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1
00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:21,601
(muffled talking)
2
00:00:21,634 --> 00:00:26,334
MAN:
Now that Variecomhas acquired and/or merged
3
00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:28,234
with all of our competitors,
4
00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:30,300
we need a new property.
5
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,033
A lovable and
enchanting character.
6
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:35,200
Now I know how successful
Unca-Taffy-Tom-Tom has been
7
00:00:35,234 --> 00:00:36,934
since Variecom was founded.
8
00:00:36,968 --> 00:00:38,801
(laughing)
9
00:00:38,834 --> 00:00:40,968
(gasping)
10
00:00:45,734 --> 00:00:48,801
Well, I think we all see
the potential problem.
11
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:51,033
We need a new character,
and pronto.
12
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:53,834
Our sophisticated audience
research computer
13
00:00:53,868 --> 00:00:56,300
randomly generated
a wisecracking detective
14
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:58,968
with a pig partner
and a wacky family-- Duckman.
15
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,100
(all grumbling)
16
00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:02,968
One small problem from legal.
17
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,133
Turns out there really
is a guy named Duckman,
18
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,534
who more or less matches
our character's profile.
19
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:10,000
We've got to figure out
20
00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:13,767
how to get this guy
to sign his life away.
21
00:01:13,801 --> 00:01:15,467
MAN:
Excuse me, sir.
22
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:18,868
Art DeSalvo, free-lance
PR consultant
23
00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,634
down here in the cheap seats.
24
00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:24,634
I just mightbe able
to help you with that.
25
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,300
(chuckling)
26
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:28,100
(laughing harder)
27
00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:30,434
(all laughing)
28
00:01:33,701 --> 00:01:35,634
(gasping)
29
00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:38,033
Oh, dear.
30
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,601
Cornwilliker, you know
that pile of cash
31
00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:44,100
you gave me to spend
any way I saw fit?
32
00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:46,767
You mean the money
to pay the rent?
33
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,167
Ha! Curious phrase.
34
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,801
Well, it was burning
a Brando-sized hole in my pocket
35
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,801
so I went and bought
the first frivolous piece
36
00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:54,467
of electronic gadgetry I saw.
37
00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:55,801
Behold!
38
00:01:55,834 --> 00:01:57,534
My new high-definition,
DSS ready,
39
00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,467
Alyssa Milano-compatible,
PAL-compliant,
40
00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:01,434
digitally adaptable,
letter-box-conformed,
41
00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:03,100
1.1-inch TV
42
00:02:03,133 --> 00:02:05,701
in glorious mini-color.
43
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:08,834
Hmm.
44
00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:12,434
Ay!
45
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,501
Piece of junk!
46
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,200
MAN:
Ow!
47
00:02:18,234 --> 00:02:20,033
Hey, some dork threw away a TV
that just needs batteries.
48
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,100
Suh-weet!
49
00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:22,667
Duckman, aren't you worried
50
00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,601
about these
long-overdue bills?
51
00:02:24,634 --> 00:02:25,801
Of course I am.
52
00:02:25,834 --> 00:02:27,267
That's why I called
the shopping channel
53
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:30,601
and ordered this faux-pressboard
long-overdue-bill caddy.
54
00:02:30,634 --> 00:02:31,634
Okay, it's handy.
55
00:02:31,667 --> 00:02:32,868
But why did you order
56
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:34,634
that tipsy hobo
cowboy figurine
57
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:36,968
from the Gene Barry
Frontier Collection?
58
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,901
What? Look at it!
59
00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:41,801
I mean, he's
a cowboy hobo
60
00:02:41,834 --> 00:02:43,133
and he's tipsy.
61
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:45,467
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
62
00:02:45,501 --> 00:02:46,634
(giggling)
63
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,467
Duckman, you have
no money at all.
64
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,467
Your creditors
are growing impatient.
65
00:02:50,501 --> 00:02:52,400
Your phony spinal
meningitis excuse
66
00:02:52,434 --> 00:02:54,467
won't keep the repo men
away forever.
67
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:55,834
Ah, keep your hackles
combed, Corn Syrup.
68
00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:58,167
If I need money, I'll
just sell something
69
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,167
like, uh...
70
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,367
my immortal soul.
71
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,100
(distant screaming)
72
00:03:04,133 --> 00:03:07,067
Eh... I'll pass.
73
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,801
Damn. Worked for
Cybill Shepherd.
74
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:11,567
Duckman, you've got to stop
this senseless spending.
75
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,434
Work harder
to generate business.
76
00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:15,234
Write out a budget
you can stick to.
77
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,000
Uh, have you seen the show
before?
78
00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:19,667
All I need is some easy fix
that will tide me over
79
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:21,467
with some quick
and greasy moolah.
80
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,901
You rang?
81
00:03:23,934 --> 00:03:28,901
(applause)
82
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:29,901
(applause stops)
83
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:31,567
I love this thing.
84
00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:32,801
Art DeSalvo!
85
00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:35,300
Ask for it by name.
Duckman!
86
00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:38,767
Friend, neighbor, I was in the
building to see my podiatrist--
87
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:41,200
my spring corn-scrape and all--
88
00:03:41,234 --> 00:03:43,434
and with my ear
pressed against your door,
89
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:46,400
I couldn't help overhearing
about your financial problems.
90
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:50,067
It makes me violently,
gut-churningly ill
91
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:52,133
to see you hassled by creditors!
92
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:55,701
Those stinking, low-life
bill collectors are scum,
93
00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:59,033
harassing decent people!
94
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,434
Who don't pay
their bills.
95
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:02,567
(growling)
96
00:04:02,601 --> 00:04:04,901
An excellent question,
Duckman!
97
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:06,267
Thank you. Huh?
98
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:07,567
The answer
is simple.
99
00:04:07,601 --> 00:04:09,167
With the right promotion,
100
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,000
your name and persona
could be worth a fortune.
101
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:13,267
Tell me--
102
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,734
have you ever considered
selling yourself?
103
00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:18,467
You mean like as part
of some kind of sex ring?
104
00:04:18,501 --> 00:04:20,667
Duckman, I think what
Mr. DeSalvo is referring to
105
00:04:20,701 --> 00:04:22,300
is the licensing
of your image
106
00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:25,434
as part of an all-out,
cross-platform
marketing campaign.
107
00:04:25,467 --> 00:04:27,901
Hey, let's not give up on
the sex ring thing just yet.
108
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,467
Maybe with you and me, Corny--
109
00:04:29,501 --> 00:04:32,133
kind of a Siegfried and Roy,
spangled tights kind of deal.
110
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:33,467
Maybe a swing.
Just sign here
111
00:04:33,501 --> 00:04:35,968
and you'll never have
to worry about money again,
112
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,701
because you'll receive...
113
00:04:37,734 --> 00:04:41,200
$1,000!
114
00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:42,534
Ooh, yeah!
115
00:04:42,567 --> 00:04:44,601
I can't wait!
116
00:04:44,634 --> 00:04:47,467
Hey, why does it
say $200,000 here?
117
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,801
Oh, uh, that's Latin.
118
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:53,200
"200" is Latin for "one."
119
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:54,501
Careful, Duckman.
120
00:04:54,534 --> 00:04:56,234
You know Art has always been
a fast-talking,
121
00:04:56,267 --> 00:04:58,868
deeply cynical
and completely amoral manipu...
122
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,467
Infidel!
123
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:05,067
How dare you
confuse Duckman
with your blasphemy!
124
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,067
Don't listen to him.
125
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,734
Go for it!
126
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:09,734
Oops, sorry, Corny.
127
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,234
You made a good argument,
128
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:12,734
but he said "Go for it."
129
00:05:12,767 --> 00:05:14,033
That's what people
in the movies say
130
00:05:14,067 --> 00:05:16,534
when they're about to do
something really successful.
131
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:17,701
I did it.
132
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:18,934
I did it!
133
00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,901
By God, I did it!
134
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:23,934
* I've finally made it *
135
00:05:23,968 --> 00:05:27,267
* My dream has come true
136
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:29,934
* I've finally made it *
137
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:33,601
* The rest of you losers,
good-bye, toodle-oo *
138
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:34,734
* Just bear
in mind *
139
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,434
* That the contract
you signed *
140
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:37,968
* Has a teeny
little catch *
141
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,000
* That I guess you
failed to catch *
142
00:05:40,033 --> 00:05:41,100
* I knew it
143
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,767
* Knew you'd do it *
144
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,601
* You'd fake and you'd take *
145
00:05:44,634 --> 00:05:46,267
* You're a snake,
for God's sake *
146
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,634
* You're to blame *
147
00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:49,100
* What's your game? *
148
00:05:49,133 --> 00:05:51,234
* I'm sorry you came *
149
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,334
* It's always the same *
150
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:58,701
* We're going to bring...
a lawsuit *
151
00:05:58,734 --> 00:05:59,901
* Wait, you old coot
152
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:01,167
* The question is moot
153
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,767
* Who the hell gives a hoot
154
00:06:02,801 --> 00:06:05,000
* I got a lifetime of loot
155
00:06:05,033 --> 00:06:10,767
* Yes, a lifetime of loot
156
00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:14,534
Hah!
* I've finally made it *
157
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:17,834
* My dream has come true
158
00:06:17,868 --> 00:06:20,734
* I've finally made it *
159
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:24,434
* It's the ultimate
lazy man's coup *
160
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,234
* Ah, what a glorious morn-o
161
00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,067
* I could spend it
with porno *
162
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:36,100
* 'Cause it's just
what I'm achin' to do *
163
00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:40,434
* Or I could
just go get blotto *
164
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:43,434
* That would sure
hit the spot-o *
165
00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:47,767
ALL:
* My dream of all dreams
has come true *
166
00:06:47,801 --> 00:06:49,767
* Has come true *
167
00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,434
* Yes, I've finally *
168
00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:53,100
* He's finally *
169
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,767
* I've finally *
170
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,434
* He's finally *
171
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:58,968
* I've finally made... *
172
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,734
* However, there's
one thing to remember *
173
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:06,767
* The name
of Duckman... *
174
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:09,033
Is now the intellectual
property of Variecom,
175
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:10,968
and you are enjoined
from ever using it
176
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,334
in reference
to yourself.
177
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,467
Also all properties bearing
the name "Duckman"
178
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:15,901
now belong
to Variecom,
179
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:17,868
including but
not limited to
180
00:07:17,901 --> 00:07:20,834
the Duckman
Detective Agency!
181
00:07:20,868 --> 00:07:23,734
Take 'er away!
182
00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:25,367
(engine starting)
183
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:30,501
I did it again,
didn't I?
184
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,167
Mm-hmm.
185
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,767
Stupid welfare office.
186
00:07:43,801 --> 00:07:46,033
Apparently, they only help
people with names.
187
00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:48,434
Now look at me-- my identity's
stolen, my agency destroyed.
188
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:50,367
Well, they're not going
to get away with this!
189
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,467
The proud name of Duckman
190
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:53,334
has been in my family
for generations.
191
00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:55,434
I got it from my father,
he got it from his father,
192
00:07:55,467 --> 00:07:57,434
and he got it from
the Justice Department.
193
00:07:57,467 --> 00:07:59,033
I don't care what
Variecom says.
194
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:00,033
They're not my boss!
195
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:01,267
My name is Duckman
196
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:03,100
and there's nothing
they can do about it.
197
00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:04,667
(growling)
198
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,601
(grunting, blows landing)
199
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:12,067
Then again,
a contract is a contract.
200
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,467
(grunts)
201
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:14,834
I'm sorry,
Duckma... Eric.
202
00:08:14,868 --> 00:08:17,033
But look at the
bright side.
203
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,567
At least you got some
money out of the deal.
204
00:08:18,601 --> 00:08:22,334
Please tell me you didn't do
anything stupid with the money.
205
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:24,000
Beverly, please, you insult me.
206
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:25,000
If you must know,
207
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:26,234
Muriel, my psychic pal,
208
00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:27,934
told me to send
the money to her
209
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,100
so she could exorcise
any bad demons
210
00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:31,133
that might live within.
211
00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,200
Thank goodness
I still have TV.
212
00:08:33,234 --> 00:08:34,801
(moans)
213
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,167
(theme music playing)
214
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,767
(whimsical music plays)
215
00:08:45,801 --> 00:08:48,968
(electrical crackling)
216
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,033
I'll stick my finger
in here.
217
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:54,267
Careful, Duckman,
that wall socket's
218
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,334
chock-full
of electricity.
219
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:58,033
Thanks, Oinky!
220
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:00,267
That would have been
(electrical crackling) shocking.
221
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:02,033
You're no dim
bulb. Hee hee!
222
00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,100
(laughs)
223
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:05,100
You know, gang,
electricity is great,
224
00:09:05,133 --> 00:09:06,601
especially when it comes
225
00:09:06,634 --> 00:09:09,400
from the parent company
of this network, Variecom.
226
00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:12,033
VT-- we bring
great stuff to you.
227
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,534
What the heck
are you staring at?
228
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,701
(laughing)
229
00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:17,133
(bell dings)
230
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:20,801
(whimsical music plays)
231
00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:21,801
Hey, kids.
232
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:22,801
You love me?
233
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,033
Sure, you do.
234
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:26,133
If I die, that'd be sad.
235
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:28,300
The only way to keep me alive
236
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:30,801
is to order lots of official
Variecom-licensed
237
00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:32,133
Duckman merchandise,
238
00:09:32,167 --> 00:09:35,234
all backed by our exclusive
virtual guarantee
239
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:38,400
and manufactured
by boys and girls just like you.
240
00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:40,667
That is, if you have
a distended belly
241
00:09:40,701 --> 00:09:43,300
and flies on your lips
and work 16 hours a day
242
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:45,634
for some white rice
and expired Tagamet.
243
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:47,033
(laughing)
244
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:48,267
Remember, kids,
245
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:49,834
tell your parents
or legal guardians,
246
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:52,834
"If you don't get me Duckman,
I won't love you anymore,"
247
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:57,234
and then have them call
1-800-1-800-800-1.
248
00:09:57,267 --> 00:10:01,100
Remember, the extra "one"
stands for love.
249
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:08,167
I've never seen anything
so thoroughly reprehensible;
250
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,000
so utterly without any...
251
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:12,767
Oh, please, Duckman,
don't die!
252
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:14,501
Eric, hang up the phone.
253
00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:18,100
Oh, wow, those Variecom sharpies
are good all right,
254
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:20,234
but maybe the Duckman thing
will be a big flopola
255
00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,367
and then they'll give me
my name back.
256
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,033
Don't tell me-- Duckmania
is sweeping the country.
257
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:26,868
Like Roseanne in a
long grass skirt.
258
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:28,133
Don't worry,
259
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:30,167
The-Artist-Formerly-
Known-As-Duckman.
260
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,400
It's just a passing fad,
one that will pass
261
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:33,868
in approximately
ten years.
262
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,367
Of course, then it
will be stamped
retro kitsch
263
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,567
by the next generation,
264
00:10:37,601 --> 00:10:39,534
thus renewing its
appeal indefinitely.
265
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,033
But how'd they do this
so quickly?
266
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:42,534
They only bought
my name last week.
267
00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:45,400
Variecom made the Duckman
phenomenon the cover story
268
00:10:45,434 --> 00:10:47,701
on the hundreds of magazines
they own.
269
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,868
So the hundreds of magazines
Variecom doesn't own
270
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:52,701
ran "Is Duckman
just media hype?" covers,
271
00:10:52,734 --> 00:10:54,868
which really cranked up
the media hype.
272
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:57,167
The only non-Duckman cover
was Readers Digest
273
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,534
which went with
"How to talk straight
274
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,400
to your teenager
about dungarees."
275
00:11:01,434 --> 00:11:04,000
(ringing)
276
00:11:04,033 --> 00:11:05,334
Hello.
277
00:11:05,367 --> 00:11:07,400
WOMAN:
Hi. Is Duckman there?
278
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,400
Yes, well, uh, I mean, no, he...
279
00:11:10,434 --> 00:11:12,300
(caller shrieks with laughter)
280
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,400
What the...
Bernice, is that you?
281
00:11:14,434 --> 00:11:15,734
I don't know.
282
00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:18,000
It depends on
if I was a complete idiot
283
00:11:18,033 --> 00:11:19,434
and sold my name!
284
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,767
(shrieking laughter)
285
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:23,100
What am I going to do?
286
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:25,434
They shut down our agency,
stole our very livelihood.
287
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:26,467
We're broke!
288
00:11:26,501 --> 00:11:28,868
Well, uh, actually,
if you recall,
289
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:31,934
I used to play keyboards
for a Flock of Seagulls.
290
00:11:31,968 --> 00:11:33,667
Since the '80s are hot again,
291
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:36,901
I rang up Splice, Fleabo,
Trevor and the other lads.
292
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:38,033
(gasps)
293
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:39,501
We've got
a 28-city tour
294
00:11:39,534 --> 00:11:41,300
with Men at Work
Without Hats.
295
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,501
See you in September, Eric.
296
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:46,567
Are you okay?
297
00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:47,834
No. No, Bev,
I'm great.
298
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:49,601
I'm going to do
what Oinky did.
299
00:11:49,634 --> 00:11:51,400
I'll just find
a new occupation.
300
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:52,601
Anything is possible.
301
00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:54,133
After all,
this is America
302
00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:55,901
where anyone
can make their dreams come true
303
00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:57,367
as long as they're not black.
304
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,467
I've begged, I've stolen.
305
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,767
God forgive me,
I even became an actor.
306
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:18,067
It's no use.
307
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,300
I'll have to rely
on the Eric n�e Duckman clan
308
00:12:20,334 --> 00:12:23,601
learning to live frugally.
309
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:25,133
Dahh!
310
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,734
Oh, this is awkward.
311
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:28,767
Sorry, Dad.
312
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:30,267
Yeah. What can we say?
313
00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,467
When it comes to
rampant consumerism,
314
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,033
we're not made
of stone.
315
00:12:34,067 --> 00:12:36,033
It doesn't change
how we feel about you.
316
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:38,200
Yeah, Dad.
I love you.
317
00:12:38,234 --> 00:12:41,033
That's love with a capital one.
318
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:42,300
(rumbling)
319
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:55,367
First my name.
320
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,033
Then my business.
321
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,334
Now my very home.
322
00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:01,634
What am I going to do?
323
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:03,501
(car door shuts, engine starts)
324
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:04,767
(tires squealing)
325
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,934
Have no fear, Eric.
326
00:13:07,968 --> 00:13:10,133
DeSalvo to the rescue!
327
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:11,801
I like what you've
done with the place.
328
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:14,801
The interplay between the
empty space and pockets
329
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:16,868
of nothingness
is very Southwestern.
330
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:18,100
Get to the point.
331
00:13:18,133 --> 00:13:19,100
You're right.
332
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:20,300
Well, as your friend,
333
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:23,000
I can't stand to see
you suffering like this,
334
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:24,234
and as your neighbor,
335
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,834
it makes it
a little hard
336
00:13:25,868 --> 00:13:28,200
to enjoy my Count
Chocula, you know?
337
00:13:28,234 --> 00:13:29,534
Get to the point!
338
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:31,400
I got you a job.
Really?
339
00:13:31,434 --> 00:13:33,634
I had to beat the bushes,
pull a few strings,
340
00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:34,934
call in some markers,
341
00:13:34,968 --> 00:13:36,868
collect on a couple
of favors,
342
00:13:36,901 --> 00:13:38,300
put my ear to the ground,
343
00:13:38,334 --> 00:13:40,167
get rough
with my snitches.
344
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:44,133
Well, okay, actually, I just had
my assistant make a phone call,
345
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:46,167
but it's the result that counts.
346
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,767
Do you have
what it takes
347
00:13:47,801 --> 00:13:49,234
to turn
yourself around,
348
00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:51,467
to make your family
swell with pride
349
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:53,801
while delighting
the world around you?
350
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,901
To enter the noblest,
most delightful profession
351
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:58,501
of all time?
352
00:13:58,534 --> 00:14:00,334
Yes. Yes, I do. Yes, I do!
353
00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:03,667
Then tell me,
what is your name?
354
00:14:03,701 --> 00:14:05,300
Uh, Eric?
355
00:14:05,334 --> 00:14:06,734
Wrong!
356
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:10,667
From this day forward,
your name is...
357
00:14:10,701 --> 00:14:12,667
Duckman!
358
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,400
DUCKMAN:
I can't believe Variecom
359
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,467
pays all these people
to dress up like the former me
360
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:31,234
and that they run
this corporate training center
361
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,634
college-type thingy
to teach us how to do it.
362
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:35,234
Oh, what the hell.
363
00:14:35,267 --> 00:14:37,300
If I can't be the real real me,
maybe I'll make some dough
364
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:39,968
impersonating an imitation
of the imitation real real me.
365
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,834
(dramatic music plays)
366
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:01,834
What sort of things
are known of Duckman?
367
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,434
What sort of things
are believed of Duckman?
368
00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:08,400
Look on these things
so that ye shall know them
369
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:12,200
and so that ye shall achieve
always.
370
00:15:23,734 --> 00:15:25,000
Who...
371
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:26,467
are...
372
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,234
you?!
373
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,300
ALL:
Duckman!
374
00:15:29,334 --> 00:15:31,567
I can't hear you.
375
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,367
ALL:
Duckman!
376
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,834
(crowd cheering)
377
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:39,400
People have come up to me
after my lectures and asked,
378
00:15:39,434 --> 00:15:42,634
"Dr. Bob, how can I become
a Duckman achiever?"
379
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,267
Please don't call on me,
please don't call on me,
380
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,434
please don't call on me...
381
00:15:45,467 --> 00:15:46,767
Look around you.
382
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:49,300
Come on, everyone, look at
the person to your right.
383
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,667
Look to your left.
384
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:56,100
Of the three of you,
385
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:59,133
only two will succeed
at Duckman College.
386
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,501
The third will excel.
387
00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:03,667
(crowd cheering)
388
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:04,701
Yes. Yes, I can.
389
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:06,167
Where's the rest of me?
390
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,934
Leading with my chin. Whoo!
391
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,734
But all of you
are absolutely vital
392
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:13,000
to the success
of this great adventure--
393
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:15,701
from the assistant apprentice
janitor's assistant
394
00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,601
all the way up
to senior vice president
395
00:16:17,634 --> 00:16:20,100
in charge of dumping
unsafe Duckman products
396
00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:22,267
in Third World nations.
397
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,367
From the busboys
at our Duckman-- dwaaah--
398
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,267
eat-till-you-spew
lunch counters,
399
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,367
to the man or woman who runs
400
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,934
the hydraulic fat extruders
at the Duckman bakeries,
401
00:16:30,968 --> 00:16:33,634
to the Duckman personal area
cleansing technicians
402
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:36,601
at our Duckman Home
for Vegetative Senior Citizens,
403
00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:39,767
to the boy who tastes my food
before I eat it.
404
00:16:39,801 --> 00:16:43,968
Every single menial,
mindless job is important
405
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,634
because each one of us
is Duckman
406
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:50,367
and Duckman is each one of us--
so to speak!
407
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,634
(crowd cheering)
408
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,634
What's your name?
409
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:56,467
I'm Duckman.
410
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:57,634
What's your name?
411
00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:58,834
Duckman.
412
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:00,167
What's your name?
413
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,167
Duckm...
414
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,701
I mean, uh... Eric.
415
00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:05,167
Your name is Duckman.
416
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,167
I can't.
417
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,334
I mean, uh...
418
00:17:08,701 --> 00:17:09,767
(yells)
419
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:11,033
Ooh, ooh, stop!
420
00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:16,033
What's your name?
421
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,100
Duckman.
422
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:18,167
(electrical crackling)
423
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,434
AUDIENCE:
Ah...
424
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:22,167
Yes. Yes, Lord,
I am Duckman.
425
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,000
* I've finally made it *
426
00:17:26,033 --> 00:17:29,601
* My dream has come true
427
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:31,300
* I've finally made it *
428
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,601
Hey, how are ya?
429
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:34,701
Nice to see ya.
430
00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:37,734
* I've gotta succeed *
431
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:40,701
* I'm... gonna... *
432
00:17:40,734 --> 00:17:41,701
* Suc...
433
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:43,534
(sobbing)
434
00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:46,367
The company's downsizing.
435
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,234
We're all fired.
436
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,200
(moaning)
437
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:04,234
Say, wait a minute--
we can't give up.
438
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:05,801
Remember what Dr. Bob said?
439
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:08,100
Okay, Dr. Bob
said a lot of things
440
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,767
and they're kind of
tough to remember.
441
00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:13,601
But one thing I know-- we're not
quitters, we're Duckman!
442
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,100
And we don't let little things
like being fired get in our way.
443
00:18:16,133 --> 00:18:18,167
We never let our little things
get in our way.
444
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,601
Let 'em take my job, my home,
my family, my partner, my name.
445
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,000
They'll never take my...
446
00:18:23,033 --> 00:18:24,467
Wait. What's left?
447
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:25,467
My me!
448
00:18:25,501 --> 00:18:26,901
Yes, I still got me--
449
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:29,133
the original magnificent
bastard.
450
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:30,467
I'm back, baby,
451
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:33,033
and that puny little world
out there better look out,
452
00:18:33,067 --> 00:18:37,267
'cause I'm going to Variecom
to get my name back.
453
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:44,133
* I'm gonna succeed! *
454
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,133
He's right.
455
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,834
I'm going to go
tell my wife
456
00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:49,167
I want to have sex
twice a month.
457
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,601
Yeah.
And I'm going to go to NBC
458
00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:54,834
and demand new episodes
of Cheers.
459
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:56,167
And I'm going to go home,
460
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:57,968
cover my windows
with Bible pages,
461
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,534
shave my head, buy some guns
462
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:02,000
and go kill everyone
who ever treated me bad.
463
00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:03,968
(cheering)
464
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:13,534
Somewhere in that
rococo phallus of a building
465
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:15,100
is the head cheese
of this outfit,
466
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,133
and I'm going to march right in
and get my name back.
467
00:19:30,534 --> 00:19:32,167
(door opens)
468
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,267
What th...?
469
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:35,167
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
470
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,868
Excellent question,
Colonel Baltic Von Pennybags.
471
00:19:37,901 --> 00:19:39,000
I'm Duckman.
472
00:19:39,033 --> 00:19:41,300
Oh, you're one
of those Duckman mascots.
473
00:19:41,334 --> 00:19:43,033
Boy, we've got to rework
those costumes.
474
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,334
That's not right at all.
475
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:46,367
This isn't a costume.
I am Duckman!
476
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,767
Your lackey DeSalvo tricked me
into selling me to your company.
477
00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:50,367
I was treated
like a commodity,
478
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,834
like stainless steel
adjustable scrotum clamps,
479
00:19:52,868 --> 00:19:55,067
or triple-X black market
German nudist videos,
480
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:57,868
or that stuff they put in cars
to make 'em go.
481
00:19:57,901 --> 00:19:59,801
The point is, for a while there,
I lost my identity,
482
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,434
my sense of who I am
and what I stand for.
483
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,801
People are not human resources
484
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:07,434
or work force units
or intangible assets.
485
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:10,901
They're people, and they want
to take pride in what they do,
486
00:20:10,934 --> 00:20:12,834
so when they retire,
they can say
487
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:14,701
"I did something that mattered
488
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:18,100
and the people I worked for
noticed and appreciated it."
489
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,434
That was beautiful.
490
00:20:20,467 --> 00:20:23,601
Your eloquent speech, filled
with homespun common sense
491
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:26,734
and concisely presented,
has moved me.
492
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,701
Really?
493
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,000
I hereby
give you your name back.
494
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,501
From now on, you--
495
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,734
and only you--
are Duckman.
496
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:40,234
What about the cartoon and
the merchandise and everything?
497
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,734
We'll just go to the next
audience-tested name
498
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:44,334
on our list:
Bernice.
499
00:20:44,367 --> 00:20:45,801
We should talk.
500
00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:48,734
Give me a call later.
501
00:20:48,767 --> 00:20:50,968
I'm in the book
under "Duckman."
502
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,234
That's right: Duckman.
503
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,567
I got my identity back.
504
00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:54,667
I got my name back.
505
00:20:54,701 --> 00:20:57,834
* I've finally made it *
506
00:20:57,868 --> 00:20:59,968
* My dream has come true
507
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,434
* I'm Duckman,
I'm Duckman, I... *
508
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:05,767
Hey, some guy named
George S. Aronovitz
509
00:21:05,801 --> 00:21:08,934
dropped a wallet
full of money.
510
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,901
That's me! Right here!
I'm George S. Aronahanna.
511
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:13,067
That's my wallet.
512
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:16,067
Whoo-hoo! Yeah.Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo!
513
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:18,567
That's me! Hup, hup, hup.
514
00:21:18,601 --> 00:21:21,200
(Duckman laughing)
515
00:21:21,234 --> 00:21:25,133
Right here.Yippee-yi-ki-yi!
516
00:22:05,133 --> 00:22:08,033
DeSALVO:
Ask for it by name.
36245
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