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1
00:00:09,501 --> 00:00:10,767
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,601
(Duckman slurping
and eating noisily)
3
00:00:15,701 --> 00:00:16,868
Mmm... mmm...
4
00:00:16,901 --> 00:00:17,868
(gobbling)
5
00:00:20,734 --> 00:00:23,868
The boys are still visiting
Bernice in Washington?
6
00:00:23,901 --> 00:00:25,033
Yes.
7
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:27,033
Hey, is that a new suit?
8
00:00:27,067 --> 00:00:28,868
Why, yes, yes, it...
9
00:00:28,901 --> 00:00:30,734
was.
10
00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:33,200
Don't you look in a mirror
before you go out?
11
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,534
Quel slob!
12
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,033
Hey, uh, Bev, the grub's okay,
but FYI,
13
00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:39,834
try not to mix "cutting food"
with "slurping food."
14
00:00:39,868 --> 00:00:42,267
All this utensil shifting
is slowing me down!
15
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:44,367
What chef doesn't love
to hear that?
16
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,033
Corny, would you like
some crayfish �touff�e ?
17
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:48,367
That would be splendid.
18
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:49,534
Thanks.
19
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:51,367
(Duckman laughs)
20
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,901
"That would be splendid."
21
00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:54,968
Why not just hang a sign
around your neck saying,
22
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,434
"I want to boink you"?
23
00:00:56,467 --> 00:00:59,334
You can use mine.
It's, uh, around here somewhere.
24
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:00,901
Mmm.
25
00:01:00,934 --> 00:01:02,167
This is fabulous!
26
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,334
Bev, are you sure
you're not Cajun?
27
00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:06,534
(both tittering)
28
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,334
Excuse me?
29
00:01:08,367 --> 00:01:11,167
How come he gets to use
language like that?
30
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:15,033
That word offends not just me,
sir, but all womankind!
31
00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:18,634
How dare you refer to that
most prized, intimate body part
32
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:21,667
the toy surprise
in the Cracker Jack box of love
33
00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:24,167
in such
a crude and tasteless manner?
34
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,267
"Cajun" is the style of cooking
you just ate 11 pounds of.
35
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:29,868
Oh.
36
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:32,200
Then what's "Thai" again?
37
00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:34,367
Bev, if you like
Cajun cuisine,
38
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,701
you should meet
my Aunt Jane.
39
00:01:35,734 --> 00:01:38,534
She lives on a catfish
ranch in Louisiana.
40
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,067
Who cares about Louisi...?
41
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,400
Wow, I'd love to go
to Louisiana.
42
00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:44,400
Ah, Louisiana...
43
00:01:44,434 --> 00:01:47,434
City of Lights
on Asia's emerald isle!
44
00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:49,801
Bev, I was planning
to visit Aunt Jane
45
00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:51,868
in the other Louisiana
this weekend.
46
00:01:51,901 --> 00:01:53,400
Why don't you come along?
47
00:01:53,434 --> 00:01:55,601
Wow, I'd love to!
48
00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:59,734
Hmm?What's with Cornfed and Bev?
49
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:02,267
Methinks my old partneris trolling for trout
50
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:03,601
right here under my sniffer.
51
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:05,300
This is very bad form, indeed.
52
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,467
If anyone's going to get to"pound the percale" with Bev,
53
00:02:07,501 --> 00:02:09,000
it should be me.
54
00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:11,167
Until Cornpone came aroundtrying to get his dud milked,
55
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,834
Bev was getting to knowthe real me,
56
00:02:12,868 --> 00:02:14,501
the me I have inside,
57
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,767
the me I've never been to,the me that's not half-bad,
58
00:02:16,801 --> 00:02:18,667
or if you're a pessimist,not half-good.
59
00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,534
Given enough timeand medication,
60
00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:22,467
Bev would definitelyfall in love with me.
61
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:23,868
And given enoughtyping monkeys,
62
00:02:23,901 --> 00:02:25,467
she could write the worksof Shakespeare.
63
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:27,501
(chuckling)"Typing monkeys."
64
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:33,167
(imitating monkey howling)
65
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,167
(door closes)
66
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,834
What the...?
67
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:39,601
Wait! I'd love to go with you!
68
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:43,534
Louisville, Indonesia,
here we come!
69
00:02:50,033 --> 00:02:51,334
(gasps)
70
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,868
Well, as I live
and breathe.
71
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,367
Willebald.
72
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:56,467
Aunt Jane.
73
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:58,467
These are my friends.
74
00:02:58,501 --> 00:03:00,467
No, don't tell me.
I ought to know
75
00:03:00,501 --> 00:03:02,400
from what you've
been writing about
in your letters.
76
00:03:02,434 --> 00:03:03,467
You must be Beverly!
77
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:05,901
Even prettier
than Willebald described you!
78
00:03:05,934 --> 00:03:07,567
Oh, you're sweet.
79
00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:08,734
Thank you.
80
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:10,067
And you must be Duckman.
81
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:11,534
Why, from Willebald's letters,
82
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,501
I'd have thought you literally
had a penis for a head.
83
00:03:15,334 --> 00:03:17,033
Charmed.
84
00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:19,100
How are things going, Aunt Jane?
85
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:20,334
Not too good.
86
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,334
I can barely make
my loan payments.
87
00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:24,868
My hands are fixing
to drive my herd to Texas.
88
00:03:24,901 --> 00:03:27,567
I'm afraid it's my last chance
to save this ranch
89
00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:30,567
where my pappy and his pappy
before him lived and died.
90
00:03:30,601 --> 00:03:31,567
Yeah, great story.
91
00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:32,834
Which way to the spa?
92
00:03:32,868 --> 00:03:35,300
Oh, look, we ain't got
nothing fancy here.
93
00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:37,234
Beverly here can have
my spare room.
94
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:39,601
I hope you boys would rough it
with the ranch hands.
95
00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:41,367
If by "rough it,"
you mean a room
96
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,868
without a minibar
and free hookers,
97
00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:44,467
then, uh, we have a problem.
98
00:03:44,501 --> 00:03:46,267
Duckman, we really should bunk
99
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:47,501
with the ranch hands.
100
00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:49,534
Huh? What, are you Amish?
101
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:51,868
Hmm. Cornfed,
listen to you.
102
00:03:51,901 --> 00:03:53,701
"Bunk with the
ranch hands."
103
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,267
Muy, muy macho.
104
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,901
Yeah, bunkin'
in the bunkhouse
105
00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:01,634
sounds like a
right plum puddin'
idea there, matey.
106
00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:03,167
Now, if'n you'll 'scuse me,
little pards,
107
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,567
I got to go rope me
some steers,
108
00:04:04,601 --> 00:04:06,934
bust me some broncs
and cow me some pies.
109
00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:17,267
Nice shootin', Tex!
110
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,167
Though loogie-hawking will
cost you serious points
111
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,968
in the better
bed-and-breakfast guides.
112
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,534
Who the hell are you?
113
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:25,100
I guess they don't get cable.
114
00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:28,567
Well, Clem, I just so happen
to be a personal guest
115
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,367
of a certain lady by the name
of Aunt something-or-other.
116
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,033
So, you'd better
start treatin' me right,
117
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:35,334
or she'll Shania
your Twains
for good.
118
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:36,334
Hey.
119
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:37,334
Gotcha!
120
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:38,968
(growling)
121
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:39,934
(whimpers)
122
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:44,901
Oy vey.
123
00:04:44,934 --> 00:04:46,367
(fighting sounds)
124
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,701
DUCKMAN: Ooh-ooh,
ow, ooh-ooh!
125
00:04:47,734 --> 00:04:49,033
Stop, ow, ooh-ooh!
126
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:51,033
(glass shattering,
Duckman grunting
and yelling)
127
00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:53,534
(fists smacking
blows landing)
128
00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,667
(grunting and yelling,
fighting sounds continue)
129
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:02,267
(sustained grunting, yelling
and fighting sounds)
130
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:03,801
(gun cocking)
131
00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:07,300
You stay out of
this, Miss Jane!
132
00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:09,133
This don't concern you.
133
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:11,300
Everything on this ranch
concerns me.
134
00:05:11,334 --> 00:05:13,901
Fun's fun, but that there's
a guest of mine.
135
00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:15,801
Now, go on, git!
136
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,501
All of you, go on!
137
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:18,467
You're fired!
138
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:21,934
Duckman, are
you all right?
139
00:05:21,968 --> 00:05:23,000
Oh, yeah.
140
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:24,000
(coughs)
141
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,667
Just a... just a little winded.
142
00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,801
(door opens, footfalls)
143
00:05:31,334 --> 00:05:32,968
If he's here to hit me,
144
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,734
I'm counting on you
to kill me first.
145
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,400
(coughs and gags)
146
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:47,334
Easy, Cindy.
147
00:05:47,367 --> 00:05:49,200
I ain't gonna hit ya.
148
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:50,200
(inhales)
149
00:05:50,234 --> 00:05:51,234
Ah...
150
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,234
Yet.
151
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:53,701
Name's McBastard.
152
00:05:53,734 --> 00:05:55,367
Big Jack McBastard.
153
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:56,701
Now, listen up,
154
00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:58,701
you stinkin' little puddle
of girly vomit,
155
00:05:58,734 --> 00:06:01,334
those men you just got fired
were supposed to help me drive
156
00:06:01,367 --> 00:06:04,567
2,000 head of catfish
to Texas.
157
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:08,634
Now, how am I gonna move
them catfish by myself, huh?
158
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:12,534
I, uh, don't, uh...
159
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:13,601
He's right.
160
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,300
If those catfish
don't get to Texas,
161
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,968
Aunt Jane
will lose everything.
162
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,467
See? All's well
that ends well.
163
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:20,133
No, Duckman, that's bad.
164
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:21,767
There's only one thing
to do.
165
00:06:21,801 --> 00:06:23,801
We have to help drive
those catfish.
166
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,667
Oh, what a
wonderful idea.
167
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:26,667
You are nuts!
168
00:06:26,701 --> 00:06:28,167
I'm not going to waste
my vacation
169
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,000
on a bunch of catfish!
170
00:06:30,033 --> 00:06:31,200
Duckman, come back.
171
00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:32,200
(door slams)
172
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:34,234
(tires screeching)
173
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:38,868
*
174
00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:52,701
Ooh!
175
00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:58,501
*
176
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:20,767
(band plays flourish)
177
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:35,601
Hey, wait!
178
00:07:35,634 --> 00:07:37,667
Corny and Bevsleeping under the stars?
179
00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,934
With him looking likea big hero?
180
00:07:39,968 --> 00:07:42,267
(hoofbeat)
181
00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:45,000
(yelling)
182
00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:48,334
(screaming)
183
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:49,334
(crashing)
184
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,000
Ow!
185
00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:54,133
It's going to be
a long ride.
186
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:10,801
There she is--
187
00:08:10,834 --> 00:08:12,667
hell's toilet.
188
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:16,000
The days are so hot,
they can boil your brain,
189
00:08:16,033 --> 00:08:20,367
and the nights are colder
than David Caruso's film career.
190
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,200
Ugh!
Ugh!
Ugh!
191
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:23,834
(coyote howling)
192
00:08:23,868 --> 00:08:27,100
(playing melancholy tune)
193
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:28,767
Well, good night.
194
00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:30,767
Make sure you get
a good night's sleep.
195
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,801
Tomorrow we've got a date
with the Rio Grillo--
196
00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:36,267
orneriest river
you'll ever cross.
197
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:39,133
The Rio Grillo took my pappy,
my pappy's pappy,
198
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:40,701
my pappy's pappy's pappy...
199
00:08:40,734 --> 00:08:43,367
And your pappy's pappy's
pappy's pappy?
200
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,334
Bought himself a condo
in Laughlin.
201
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,000
Maintenance fees are steep,
202
00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:49,067
but the social life
keeps him young.
203
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,667
Oh... catfish are jumpy tonight.
204
00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:52,934
Be careful.
205
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:55,801
One loud noise
and we'll have us a stampede
206
00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:57,601
and we don't want that.
207
00:08:58,701 --> 00:09:02,801
Bev, I'm glad we're alone.
208
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:03,767
DUCKMNAN:
Yo-ho!
209
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,000
I was just securing
the perimeter.
210
00:09:08,033 --> 00:09:10,834
Hey, you brought
the old licorice
stick, eh?
211
00:09:10,868 --> 00:09:13,167
Bev, did you know
that I'm often called
212
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,267
"the Joe Satriani
of guitar players"?
213
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,934
Here, let me show
you how it's done.
214
00:09:16,968 --> 00:09:18,200
No, Duckman!
215
00:09:18,234 --> 00:09:19,968
The catfish!
216
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,734
(plays opening notes
of "Roundabout")
217
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,901
(singing off-key)
* In and around the lake
218
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:30,667
* Mountains come
out of the sky *
219
00:09:30,701 --> 00:09:34,300
* They stand theeerrrrre!
220
00:09:34,334 --> 00:09:35,434
No!
No!
221
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:38,467
(strings vibrate discordantly)
222
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,100
(rumbling)
223
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:44,734
Stampede!
224
00:09:46,868 --> 00:09:48,534
Head 'em off! Move!
225
00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:50,434
(neighing)
226
00:09:56,267 --> 00:09:58,234
Help! Somebody help!
227
00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,901
Hold on tight, Beverly.
228
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:04,100
DUCKMAN:
No, no, no!
229
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:06,100
I want to be the one
who saves Beverly.
230
00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,467
This really
isn't the time.
231
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:17,367
(neighing)
232
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,200
(loud explosion)
233
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,934
Nice riding.
234
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:24,133
Thank you.
I was doing this
235
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:26,067
Princess Margaret
sort of thing.
236
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,234
(grunts)
237
00:10:27,267 --> 00:10:29,000
Don't worry, B.J.,
I'll save you.
238
00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:30,400
Come on,
little doggies, kitties--
239
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:31,734
whatever the hell you are.
(groaning)
240
00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:34,067
Whoa, whoa, wait.
Backup. Stop.
241
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,067
(B.J. groaning and grunting)
242
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,067
No, go forward.
243
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,100
No, no, forward!
244
00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:39,901
Yike, that's less than ideal.
245
00:10:41,133 --> 00:10:42,567
He's dead.
246
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:43,901
Dead? Are you sure?
247
00:10:48,334 --> 00:10:49,667
I am now.
248
00:10:49,701 --> 00:10:52,601
No! I won't let the Reaper win,
not this time!
249
00:10:52,634 --> 00:10:53,934
Live, Big Jack, live!
250
00:10:53,968 --> 00:10:55,100
You're a fighter,
251
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:57,567
and this is the biggest fight
of your...!
252
00:10:57,601 --> 00:10:58,701
Ohh...
253
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:01,868
Well, at least he died
with his boots on.
254
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:03,234
He sure did. He...
255
00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:05,834
Say, are those a size nine?
256
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,133
I don't
believe it.
257
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,133
Big Jack... dead.
258
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:14,434
What could be worse?
259
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:17,734
Thank you,
Queen Set-Up.
260
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,133
Where are you going?
261
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,667
I want to die
as I lived--
262
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:22,467
like a sniveling
little coward.
263
00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:24,601
Wait, I've got an idea.
264
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:36,501
Keep... holding... on.
265
00:11:36,534 --> 00:11:39,567
Must... be... strong.
266
00:11:39,601 --> 00:11:42,133
Lips... are... chapped.
267
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,367
(loud snap)
268
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,734
(all yelling)
269
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:53,667
(high-pitched scream)
270
00:11:55,534 --> 00:11:57,734
(panting)
271
00:11:57,767 --> 00:12:01,667
(voice echoing):
Nooooo!
272
00:12:03,267 --> 00:12:05,234
Well, that settles it;
I'm taking over.
273
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:06,234
Say what?
274
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:07,300
Look, someone's got to
275
00:12:07,334 --> 00:12:08,634
come out and say it.
276
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:10,200
This trip is not going well.
277
00:12:10,234 --> 00:12:11,534
No, no! It's true.
278
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:13,434
First Big Jack dies,
then the stampede,
279
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,634
and now Corny's
whole human-bridge fiasco.
280
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:16,968
Man, that was wack!
281
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,100
Yep, from now on,
I'll be in charge
282
00:12:19,133 --> 00:12:20,601
of this catfish drive
in the manly,
283
00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:22,767
loved-by-women-like-Bev way
that only I can.
284
00:12:22,801 --> 00:12:25,100
And nothing's going
to stop me.
285
00:12:27,701 --> 00:12:30,133
(all growling)
286
00:12:34,601 --> 00:12:36,067
Compadres,
I got to tell you.
287
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,534
The news of my ascension
288
00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:39,534
has not received the kudos
I thought it would. Now,
289
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:42,667
if you have issues, it's best
to get them out now-- anyone?
290
00:12:42,701 --> 00:12:45,767
Duckman, the reason things
have been going so badly...
291
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:47,234
Well, it's your fault.
292
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,767
(chuckles):
I see.
293
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,267
Oh, that's very
interesting.
294
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:53,467
And how exactly is
any of this my fault?
295
00:12:53,501 --> 00:12:55,334
You got the ranch hands fired.
296
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:56,734
And caused the stampede.
297
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:58,067
And killed Big Jack.
298
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,834
And washed away half the herd.
299
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:02,868
Whoa! If we all talk at once,
we'll never get anywhere.
300
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,801
Let's just chalk up
the trip so far
301
00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:06,234
to Cornfed's jealousy of me
302
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:07,834
and never talk
about it again, okay?
303
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,567
Now, here's my plan:
Bev, you ride in front,
304
00:13:11,601 --> 00:13:14,133
so the pheromones released
by your monthly cycles
305
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:16,467
can waft back and hypnotically
draw the herd forward.
306
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,834
Cornfed, you bring up the rear,
checking the trail
307
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:20,667
for loose change
and deposit bottles.
308
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:23,234
And where will you be during
this voyage of the damned?
309
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,567
I'll ride in front of Bev,
but facing backward
310
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,367
so I can watch
her breasts jiggle.
311
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,434
It's not often you
see one horse's ass
312
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:30,634
sitting on another.
313
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:32,267
You see? That's
the right attitude.
314
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:33,601
So, Cornfed,
if you'll take
315
00:13:33,634 --> 00:13:35,934
your far-from-Bev
position, we can
get started.
316
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,868
Where's my canteen?
317
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,734
I've confiscated
all the water.
318
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,734
You'll get water
when I'm satisfied
that you've earned it.
319
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:46,033
Easy, pard.
320
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:48,367
There's only room for one raisin
in this trail mix.
321
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,701
You're going to do
what I tell you to do
322
00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:50,667
when I tell
you to do it
323
00:13:50,701 --> 00:13:51,901
the way I tell
you to do it,
324
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,200
and if can't tell
you you've done it,
325
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:54,534
you'll tell me when
you're done doing it!
326
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,834
You're worthless and weak,
327
00:13:55,868 --> 00:14:00,300
and this drive is gonna toughen
your hides or kill you!
328
00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:03,334
But, above all,
just have fun with it.
329
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,167
(vulture screeches)
330
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,567
DUCKMAN:
"Death Wish Trail."
331
00:14:19,601 --> 00:14:21,767
Sounds... manly.
332
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:23,934
So, Bev, move 'em on!
333
00:14:23,968 --> 00:14:25,133
Eeyah!
334
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:27,067
Duckman, your
craven insanity
335
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,367
is apparently now
sunstroke enriched.
336
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,534
So, please focus
on what I'm saying.
337
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:33,434
Just a few miles
that way is a town
338
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:36,100
where we can sell
the catfish, eat,
drink, rest
339
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:38,100
and bring all our
troubles to an end.
340
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,100
It's one of your gal-poaching
tricks, ain't it?
341
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:41,934
You've got your whole gang
ready to bushwhack me--
342
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:43,968
get me out of the way so's you
can have Bev all to yourself.
343
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,601
I know what Bev wants,
mister, I do!
344
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:46,901
She wants me to go...
345
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:49,133
Oohhhhhh!
346
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,300
All right, fine, fine!
Be that way!
347
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:54,834
You're nothing
but no-good varmints,
348
00:14:54,868 --> 00:14:57,167
back-stabbing dogs,
scurvy, mutinous curs,
349
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,634
double-dealing, herd-stealing,
unappealing, matzo-mealing
350
00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:01,100
rod-and-reeling,
hooked-on-a-feeling,
351
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,501
sexual-healing, Friz Freleng,
Ezekiel-saw-the-wheeling rats!
352
00:15:03,534 --> 00:15:04,868
So go!
Get out of here!
353
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:07,000
I want nothing
to do with either of you!
354
00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:09,567
Duckman, it's not safe
for you to stay here.
355
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,868
Well, I'm sure not safe with
you two lust-crazy schemers.
356
00:15:12,901 --> 00:15:14,200
Go on! You'll be sorry.
357
00:15:14,234 --> 00:15:16,534
I'm meaner and tougher
than either of you will...
358
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,200
Daahhh! A bee! A bee! Aaahhh!
359
00:15:19,234 --> 00:15:20,834
Don't worry.
When we get to town,
360
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:22,434
we'll send someone
back for him.
361
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:23,901
Oh, it's awful.
362
00:15:23,934 --> 00:15:25,300
He's so demented.
363
00:15:25,334 --> 00:15:28,033
He thinks we're having
a torrid affair.
364
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:29,667
Yeah. Imagine.
365
00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:35,167
Betrayed. Abandoned.
366
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,200
Discarded like
last week's TV Guide--
367
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:39,868
and not the special
fall preview issue either,
368
00:15:39,901 --> 00:15:41,434
but that crappy
kids'-show issue
369
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:44,467
with that dink Jonathan Taylor
what's-his-name on the cover.
370
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:46,701
That two-faced,
two-timing, tutti-frutti
371
00:15:46,734 --> 00:15:48,367
too-ra-loo-ra partner of mine
372
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,367
is gonna sell the catfish,
hog all the credit
373
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,434
and then run off to Barbados or
Acapulco or Encino with my Bev.
374
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:56,000
I'll stop him!
I'll stop him
375
00:15:56,033 --> 00:15:58,334
if it's the last thing I...
376
00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:00,968
Can't... go on.
377
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:04,334
Will... die... here.
378
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,667
You can't
just give up!
379
00:16:10,701 --> 00:16:12,033
Ye gods!
380
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:15,234
It's TV legend and star
of Welcome Back, Kotter
381
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,167
Ron "Horshack" Palillo!
382
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,200
And I'm here to tell you
that you just can't quit.
383
00:16:21,234 --> 00:16:24,200
You've got to get right up
and keep going...
384
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,601
keep trying!
385
00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:28,234
That's the only way
you'll beat Cornfed
386
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:30,834
and get that nice gal Beverly.
387
00:16:30,868 --> 00:16:33,367
I will keep trying,
Mr. Palillo-- I will.
388
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,067
But before I do,
a request?
389
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,033
(whispering)
390
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:39,801
Very well.
391
00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:41,667
Oh! Oh-oh! Oh!
392
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,834
(sniveling):
I've seen it a million times
393
00:16:43,868 --> 00:16:45,834
and, yet, it never grows old.
394
00:16:45,868 --> 00:16:48,834
I did a Love Boat,
too, you know.
395
00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:52,133
Good-bye, Duckman!
396
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:54,601
Dwaaah!
397
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:56,601
Are you a mirage
by any chance?
398
00:16:56,634 --> 00:16:58,767
(grunts):
Nope, you're real.
399
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:01,100
Hi, guys. I sure hope
you're not miffed at me
400
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:02,534
for getting you fired.
401
00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:04,934
You know, it's actually kind of
a funny story when you...
402
00:17:04,968 --> 00:17:06,868
(grunts)
403
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,467
'Course, losing your job
in this economy is no joke.
404
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:11,868
Guys, wait, you didn't come
all this way just to lynch me.
405
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:12,701
(yelps)
406
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:14,934
We sure as hell did.
407
00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:16,634
Wait. I can make
you all rich.
408
00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:17,767
(gun cocking)
409
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:19,701
Why should we believe you?
410
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,601
Hey, I'm tight with Ron Palillo,
411
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:23,868
and I was just on my way
to shoot my backstabbing partner
412
00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:25,167
and rustle his catfish.
413
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,834
If you boys come work for me,
I'll cut you in
414
00:17:26,868 --> 00:17:29,000
for say, an industry-standard
eight percent?
415
00:17:29,033 --> 00:17:31,467
Quiet! I don't trust you,
you Pip-Squeak!
416
00:17:31,501 --> 00:17:33,834
But out of respect
for TV's Horshack,
417
00:17:33,868 --> 00:17:35,367
we'll give you a chance.
418
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,367
Fair enough.
419
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,133
Now let's ride!
420
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:43,701
(player piano playing
saloon music)
421
00:17:43,734 --> 00:17:45,501
(cocking gun)
422
00:17:45,534 --> 00:17:46,868
I think it
was wonderful
423
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:49,367
what you did for your
Aunt Jane, Cornfed.
424
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,400
You know, a girl
could get used to
425
00:17:51,434 --> 00:17:53,334
a dependable
guy like you.
426
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:54,934
But then,
there's Duckman.
427
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:56,634
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
428
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,701
A man's got two things
in this world:
429
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:01,300
His good name
and his loyalty to his friends.
430
00:18:01,334 --> 00:18:04,634
Duckman may be crazy, but he's
the best friend I've ever had.
431
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:05,667
I respect that.
432
00:18:05,701 --> 00:18:07,267
But we can still
fool around
433
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:08,334
in secret, right?
434
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,434
Oh, definitely.
435
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:10,167
(gunshot)
436
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,601
DUCKMAN:
Cornfed pig?
437
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,200
That's right, you catfish-
rustling, partner-swindling,
438
00:18:16,234 --> 00:18:18,534
blowfish-hooting,
Connie-Chunging coward!
439
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,200
I'm calling you out.
440
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,300
Oh, please, don't go!
441
00:18:23,334 --> 00:18:24,767
He's crazy!
442
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,267
A man's got to do
443
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:29,234
what a man's judgment tells him
circumstances require.
444
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,968
I always knew
this'd happen someday.
445
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,300
I wish you'd told me.
446
00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:45,734
I would have practiced.
447
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:47,801
Duckman, we can call this off.
448
00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,067
Nah.
449
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,567
I'm in a killing mood.
450
00:18:52,667 --> 00:18:55,234
(all screaming)
451
00:18:57,734 --> 00:19:00,100
(spurs clinking)
452
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:05,100
We draw
at high noon.
453
00:19:05,133 --> 00:19:07,767
And just so's you know,
my boys have got orders
454
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:10,701
to shoot you dead
no matter what happens.
455
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:13,467
After you kill me, kill him.
456
00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:14,934
You got it.
457
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:16,701
(snaps fingers)
458
00:19:47,367 --> 00:19:50,033
Hmm.
459
00:19:51,634 --> 00:19:53,400
(sighs)
460
00:19:53,434 --> 00:19:55,000
Bu-bu-bu-bu.
461
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:00,901
(whistling nonchalantly)
462
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:12,501
Hey, my watch says 2:30.
463
00:20:12,534 --> 00:20:14,534
The clock must have stopped.
464
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:16,601
Shoddy American workmanship.
465
00:20:16,634 --> 00:20:17,868
Draw on three?
466
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:18,567
Sure.
467
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:19,701
1-2-3.
468
00:20:26,234 --> 00:20:28,100
Now, it's fair.
469
00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:30,267
You girls still want to draw?
470
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:31,501
No way!
471
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:34,200
A guy could get hurt.
472
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,234
Oh, I thought
I'd lose you both.
473
00:20:36,267 --> 00:20:39,300
Thank goodness
for Big Jack McBastard.
474
00:20:39,334 --> 00:20:42,367
Say, uh, Jack, how the hell
did you survive being trampled?
475
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,701
Not to mention being eaten
by vultures and buried alive.
476
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:46,901
(inhaling deeply)
477
00:20:46,934 --> 00:20:48,267
(exhaling sharply)
478
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,300
Long story.
479
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,701
Happy trails, folks.
480
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:53,834
(horse neighs)
481
00:20:57,634 --> 00:21:00,400
Funny, I've already
forgotten who he is.
482
00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:02,868
Hey, uh, I owe you
two a big apology.
483
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:04,767
I had no right
to behave the way I did.
484
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:06,167
I want you to know
that if you two were
485
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,334
to start seeing each other,
it'd be okay with me.
486
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:10,434
In fact, I think it'd be great.
487
00:21:13,601 --> 00:21:16,334
Come on,
let's
go home.
488
00:22:05,501 --> 00:22:07,767
JACK:
Happy trails, folks.
34007
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