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1
00:00:09,934 --> 00:00:11,100
(whistles)
2
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:37,367
(quacks)
3
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:42,601
DUCKMAN:
It looks likeI'll never remarry.
4
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,367
Sure, I had a fewclose calls
5
00:00:44,434 --> 00:00:46,334
but I've given up now.
6
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,868
Beatrice was the only womanwho'll ever love me.
7
00:00:48,934 --> 00:00:50,534
So until they figure outa way to bring
8
00:00:50,601 --> 00:00:52,868
her worm-ridden decomposedcorpse back from the dead
9
00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:55,000
or Pamela Lee's daughterreaches the age of semi-consent
10
00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:56,667
whichever comes first.
11
00:00:56,734 --> 00:00:58,934
I'm afraid I'm destined to bea Siegfried without a Roy,
12
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,067
a Roy without a Dale,a Dale without a Chip.
13
00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:04,400
(bells playing
"The Wedding March")
14
00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:07,434
I scream, you scream,
we all scream
15
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,834
for mail-order brides.
16
00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:12,434
Hey. Aren't you
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff,
17
00:01:12,501 --> 00:01:14,067
the con man
who almost killed me off
18
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:15,467
with a defective
home security system,
19
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,234
buried my mother-in-law
when she wasn't dead
20
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:19,300
and, uh... did that
other bad thing?
21
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:22,234
The answer is yes,
but the best is yet to come.
22
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:25,033
Mr. Duckman, are you currently
experiencing
23
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,567
a gut-wrenching solitude
24
00:01:26,634 --> 00:01:28,968
that has turned
your every waking moment
25
00:01:29,033 --> 00:01:30,367
into a living hell?
26
00:01:30,434 --> 00:01:31,467
Kind of.
27
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:32,901
And you've no doubt
tried countless
28
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:35,033
fruitless activities
to fill the void--
29
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:36,067
phone sex?
30
00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:36,734
Yes.
31
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:37,734
Sex with phones?
32
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:38,400
Yes.
33
00:01:38,467 --> 00:01:39,634
Creamed-corn wrestling?
34
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:40,334
Yes.
35
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,567
Colonic irrigation?
36
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:42,968
Bought a new garden hose
this morning.
37
00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:45,667
Well, congratulations.
38
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:48,133
You qualify for
our pre-suicide discount.
39
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,234
In this truck lies
the fulfillment
40
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,567
of all your needs.
41
00:01:51,634 --> 00:01:53,734
A heavily sedated
Cindy Crawford?
42
00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:55,067
Ah, the grail.
43
00:01:55,133 --> 00:01:56,400
No, no, Mr. Duckman.
44
00:01:56,467 --> 00:01:58,667
My operation caters
to a clientele
45
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:01,234
willing to forego
the superficial charms
46
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:03,234
that normally make
bridal purchase
beyond the reach
47
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:05,133
of a pathetic loser
such as yourself.
48
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,367
By using a rigorous
screening process
49
00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:10,200
which eliminates all but
the most desperate women
50
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:12,601
we're able to bring
direct to you, the consumer
51
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:15,100
these virtually
uninfected marriage partners
52
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:16,400
at popular prices.
53
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:18,934
Mr. Duckman, behold.
54
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,067
Woman!
55
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,434
Here they are--
56
00:02:21,501 --> 00:02:23,100
a second-to-some
collection
57
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,834
of factory-serviced models
at prices so low
58
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:28,167
you won't believe
they're not rubber.
59
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:30,801
Listen, Mr. Tetzloff, I'm not
normally a stickler for...
60
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:32,200
what do you call them...
61
00:02:32,267 --> 00:02:33,534
Federal immigration laws?
62
00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:34,801
Whatever.
63
00:02:34,868 --> 00:02:36,467
But is this nookiemobile
of yours strictly legal?
64
00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:37,767
Let's leave
the brain-teasers
65
00:02:37,834 --> 00:02:39,901
like that to the judges
and juries, shall we?
66
00:02:39,968 --> 00:02:42,767
All you have to know is that
just by listening this long
67
00:02:42,834 --> 00:02:46,000
you've qualified
for $50 in matri-money,
68
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:49,534
good on any item
purchased within
the next ten minutes.
69
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:51,100
I don't know,
I'm kind of low on scratch
70
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:53,100
through the end
of the millennium.
71
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,434
I hear you, brother.
72
00:02:54,501 --> 00:02:56,467
At the warehouse,
I've got a demonstration model
73
00:02:56,534 --> 00:02:58,234
I've been saving
for my personal use
74
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,267
in the event
my own dear wife cacks.
75
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:03,868
I'll even throw in a lace teddy
for your first night of passion.
76
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,634
Well, I am desperately lonely.
77
00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:08,868
Tetzloff,
you've got a deal.
78
00:03:08,934 --> 00:03:11,667
By the way,
I'm a size eight petite.
79
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:16,467
* Buddy, that's us *
80
00:03:16,534 --> 00:03:18,434
(applause)
81
00:03:18,501 --> 00:03:20,634
Kiddles, what's
the one thing
82
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,033
that's missing
from your lives?
83
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,234
An adult male role model?
84
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:26,667
Dental checkups?
85
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:30,234
A better understanding
of ortho-molecular compounds
86
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,734
and their effects
on human physiology?
87
00:03:35,167 --> 00:03:38,200
Or a new dolly.
88
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,467
How's about
a new mother?
89
00:03:40,534 --> 00:03:42,300
Yes, our long national
nightmare is over.
90
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:43,701
Please join me outside
91
00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:46,067
as we officially welcome
to the family
92
00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:48,968
Mrs. Duckman the Second.
93
00:03:49,033 --> 00:03:50,367
Oh, I don't understand.
94
00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:53,000
How could you find
someone to marry so fast?
95
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,968
Tetzloff waived
the credit check.
96
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:56,100
Come on.
97
00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:58,400
(machinery clanking)
98
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,501
(growling)
99
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:06,133
CHARLES:
Is that Mom?
100
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,467
DUCKMAN:
She likes an entrance.
101
00:04:07,534 --> 00:04:08,901
But worry not.
102
00:04:08,968 --> 00:04:11,300
I've been assured
she's a real people person.
103
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:13,234
(snarling)
104
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:21,701
(screaming)
105
00:04:21,767 --> 00:04:24,267
(electrical crackling)
106
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:35,400
May God have mercy
on your souls.
107
00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:39,067
Is she full of
energy, or what?
108
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:41,234
She's a killing machine.
109
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,667
Is Mommy the Antichrist?
110
00:04:42,734 --> 00:04:45,567
Duckman, your bride
is frightening the children.
111
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:47,000
(howling)
Hey, hey, hey, now.
112
00:04:47,067 --> 00:04:49,701
She must be cold,
hungry and scared.
113
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,234
If we give her a little
kindness and attention,
114
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,167
she probably won't kill
anyone else.
115
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:56,234
Ajax, go see if you can
calm her down.
116
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:57,634
A-okay, Dad.
117
00:04:57,701 --> 00:04:59,767
No. Duckman, I don't know
what's going on
118
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,467
but none of us are getting
anywhere near that thing.
119
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:05,267
Fine. I don't care how she looks
or how she acts.
120
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:06,467
This is my chance for happiness,
121
00:05:06,534 --> 00:05:08,033
someone who's mine
and mine alone.
122
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:09,767
So if you guys are so scared
123
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:12,968
of a poor, frightened,
enormously powerful young girl
124
00:05:13,033 --> 00:05:15,167
I'll just talk to her myself.
125
00:05:15,234 --> 00:05:16,901
(growling)
126
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:19,734
That didn't make you want
to prove me wrong, huh?
127
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:24,801
Honey-lamb?
128
00:05:24,868 --> 00:05:27,601
Boopsie-boo?
129
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,267
(crashing)
130
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:30,601
(screaming)
131
00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:40,501
What a woman!
132
00:05:46,033 --> 00:05:48,033
(growling)
133
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,133
So, let me see
if I understand the premise.
134
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,567
Duckman's gotten himself
a mail-order bride who's feral?
135
00:05:53,634 --> 00:05:55,234
What girl isn't
a little jittery
136
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,667
meeting her fiance's family
for the first time?
137
00:05:57,734 --> 00:05:58,934
We just got
to break the ice.
138
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,267
Yeah, before she breaks
our spines.
139
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:04,267
Hmm. What is that odor
wafting through the air?
140
00:06:04,334 --> 00:06:07,267
Could it be the scent
of big, fat stinking jealousy?!
141
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,434
Fine. We'll let
the kids meet her next.
142
00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:11,434
Sure thing, Beastmaster,
143
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:13,300
but give us a few minutes
to get ready.
144
00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:16,200
I have to smear myself
with steak sauce.
145
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:18,100
You guys
are pretty quick to judge.
146
00:06:18,167 --> 00:06:19,834
But did you ever stop to think
147
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:22,267
that inside that scary,
rage-filled creature
148
00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:24,400
may be a caring, sensitive
human being?
149
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,634
(howling)
150
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:28,133
Okay, a caring, sensitive
human-canine hybrid.
151
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,300
What's important is
152
00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:30,868
that she's
legally obligated
153
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:33,033
to stay with me for
the rest of my life.
154
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,734
However long she lets me live.
155
00:06:34,801 --> 00:06:36,133
That's right.
156
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,167
And I happen to think there's
a tender, beautiful woman
157
00:06:39,234 --> 00:06:41,634
in this house
just waiting to be discovered.
158
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:43,968
What a nice thing
to say about her.
159
00:06:44,033 --> 00:06:46,300
I was talking about me.
160
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:48,067
(crying)
161
00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,400
(door closes)
162
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,400
Duckman, the problem is
that in her current state
163
00:06:51,467 --> 00:06:54,200
your fiancee appears to be
completely inaccessible.
164
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,200
Only somewhat completely,
Cornpopper.
165
00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:58,667
You see, after our initial
little misunderstanding...
166
00:06:58,734 --> 00:07:00,534
You mean when she crushed
your rib cage?
167
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:02,868
I arranged to get
a closer look at my angel
168
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:04,667
while she's distracted
by eating.
169
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,634
What will she eat?
170
00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:09,033
(doorbell rings)
171
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,734
BOTH:
Hello, Mr. Duckman.
172
00:07:11,801 --> 00:07:13,934
We were in the middle
of our walkathon
173
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,100
to save
endangered walkathons.
174
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:18,234
So we hope this
won't take long.
175
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:19,300
Shouldn't take
long at all.
176
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:21,767
Fluffy, Uranus,
meet my new wife.
177
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,934
BOTH:
Hello, Mrs. Duckman.
178
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,601
(roaring)
179
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:29,601
(Fluffy, Uranus screaming)
180
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:31,601
So, let's kibitz.
181
00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:33,968
(grunting)
182
00:07:34,033 --> 00:07:35,934
(roaring)
183
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,067
Look at her, Corny.
184
00:07:37,133 --> 00:07:38,601
She's so...
what's the word?
185
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:42,601
Horrifying, bloodthirsty,
savage, barbaric.
186
00:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,634
I mean, lovely.
187
00:07:44,701 --> 00:07:46,934
She's obviously come
straight from the wild.
188
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,734
Note the curvature
of the spine,
189
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:49,901
the predatory eyes,
190
00:07:49,968 --> 00:07:51,901
the complete lack
of language skills.
191
00:07:51,968 --> 00:07:54,033
I think I'll call
her Kathie Lee.
192
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,133
There's not much we can expect
in the way of interaction.
193
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,601
I doubt she has any experience
194
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:00,934
with the subtleties
of human communication.
195
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,267
(growling)
196
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:04,100
She said hello!
197
00:08:05,334 --> 00:08:08,234
Somehow we have to gain
Kathie Lee's trust.
198
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:10,200
The first step
is to get closer.
199
00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:11,701
Hold this meat
in your hand
200
00:08:11,767 --> 00:08:13,133
and stand
a few feet away.
201
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,133
She's hungry.
202
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,367
She'll take it
203
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,801
and she'll begin to think
of you as a friend.
204
00:08:17,868 --> 00:08:20,501
(sniffing)
205
00:08:23,667 --> 00:08:24,601
Hmm.
206
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:26,133
(growling)
207
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,934
(Duckman yelling)
208
00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:40,968
* *
209
00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:18,934
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
210
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,767
Remaining sane
211
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:26,000
is mainly quite a pain.
212
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:31,067
Unh-unh-unh-unh,
unh-unh, unh-unh-unh-unh.
213
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:32,434
It's no use, Corny.
214
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:33,934
I'm afraid
she'll never know
215
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,033
the joy of finding
just the right words
216
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,100
to things with
but having says she do.
217
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:40,434
Um... yes.
218
00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:41,767
I mean, no.
219
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:45,501
She will, but it will take
kindness and patience.
220
00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:49,534
Oh, Kathie Lee,
Kathie Lee,
221
00:09:49,601 --> 00:09:51,734
will you ever speak
to me?
222
00:09:51,801 --> 00:09:53,801
What the...?
223
00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:55,400
Did she say something?
224
00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:58,100
Well, I was working on
some other things earlier.
225
00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:02,501
What the hell
are you staring at?
226
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:03,501
She's got it!
227
00:10:03,567 --> 00:10:05,000
By George,
she's got it!
228
00:10:05,067 --> 00:10:06,000
Piggering!
229
00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:07,133
Just listen to her!
230
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,834
What the hell
are you staring at?
231
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,300
Now, once again,
what is a pain?
232
00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:14,801
Staying sane!
Staying sane!
233
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:16,968
And what is
staying sane?
234
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,334
A pain!
A pain!
235
00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:23,634
(clears throat)
236
00:10:23,701 --> 00:10:25,000
Excuse me.
237
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,968
Tonight, we are to be joined
at table by my wife-to-be.
238
00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:30,133
Now, I know we got off
to a rough start
239
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,200
but I hope you'll be
considerate and understanding
240
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:34,701
and not call animal control
until it's absolutely necessary.
241
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,601
Beverly, Ajax,
Charles, Whamo...
242
00:10:38,701 --> 00:10:41,367
please say hello
to Kathie Lee.
243
00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:50,601
CHARLES:
It's incredible.
244
00:10:50,667 --> 00:10:53,267
MAMBO:
She's wonderful.
245
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:56,567
She's the most beautiful
Antichrist I've ever seen.
246
00:10:56,634 --> 00:10:59,634
Look! She put a napkin
in her lap.
247
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,133
Yeah. She still
drools a bit.
248
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,467
That aside, she looks like
a million dollars.
249
00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,000
And I only paid $150.
250
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,667
How do... you do?
251
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,200
I'm very glad to meet you all.
252
00:11:10,267 --> 00:11:11,501
She talks!
253
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,267
And to think, a few
days ago, I was happy
254
00:11:13,334 --> 00:11:15,968
'cause she could write
her name on the wall
with her own feces.
255
00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:19,634
But when I write my name
on the wall with my own feces
256
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,701
I'm being naughty.
257
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:22,868
Isn't she great?
258
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,167
I can't wait to show
her off around town.
259
00:11:25,234 --> 00:11:26,400
Oh, she's made
tremendous progress,
260
00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:27,868
but do you really think
she's ready for society?
261
00:11:27,934 --> 00:11:28,934
Are you kidding?
262
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:30,000
Look how she
carries herself.
263
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,000
And the kids.
264
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,901
When I grow up,
265
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:36,601
I want to buy a woman
just like Mom.
266
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:39,400
Duckman, have you been...
intimate with her?
267
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:42,501
No, but when I do,
she'll find I'm quite
the animal myself.
268
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:45,000
The ladies say I'm like
a cheetah on the prowl--
269
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,334
very fast and then, in
an instant, it's over.
270
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,901
(Kathie Lee clears throat)
271
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:53,200
I am very pleased
to be here tonight.
272
00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:56,200
And I am honored
that you have allowed me
273
00:11:56,267 --> 00:12:00,501
to be in your basement
and a part of your family.
274
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,167
Oh, Kathie Lee.
275
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,400
We want to commemorate this
with a picture.
276
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:09,901
Come on, smile, Dad.
277
00:12:09,968 --> 00:12:11,734
Smile,
Kathie Lee.
278
00:12:11,801 --> 00:12:13,200
(growling)
279
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:14,968
Something's wrong.
280
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:16,968
She's going to blow.
281
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:18,400
You broke Mommy.
282
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:21,000
(roaring)
283
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,100
Duckman, see
what you've done?
284
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:28,667
Kathie lee's not ready
to be with other people.
285
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:30,334
She probably
won't ever be.
286
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,167
(whimpering)
287
00:12:33,234 --> 00:12:35,167
(whimpering)
288
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:38,234
You know what, Beverly?
289
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,434
You're right.
290
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:41,334
Kathie Lee
may never be civilized.
291
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,667
But it doesn't matter.
292
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,300
I don't care what she does
or how she acts.
293
00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:46,300
I love her
and I'm gonna stick by her.
294
00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:47,934
I'm sorry, Duckman.
295
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,734
I was wrong to say that.
296
00:12:49,801 --> 00:12:51,100
I'm glad you did.
297
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:53,901
It made me realize that
it's time to take the next step.
298
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:55,234
I'm going to propose,
299
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:57,234
but I want to do it
in a special way.
300
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:58,934
You mean the way you did
with Beatrice?
301
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,601
No. I don't want amyl nitrate
302
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:01,868
screwing with my vision
this time.
303
00:13:01,934 --> 00:13:03,767
I want it to be
a beautiful moment
304
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:05,400
that we'll be able to replay
over and over
305
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:06,501
for the rest of our lives.
306
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:09,300
And I know just how to do it.
307
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:11,767
Well, hello, everybody
and welcome to the show.
308
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,834
Got a great one for you today.
309
00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:16,200
It's surprise
marriage proposals.
310
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:18,300
So come on back
for today's Leeza.
311
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:19,501
(cheering)
312
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:25,934
* This could be the best time. *
313
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:30,901
Welcome back.
314
00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:32,534
You know, according to surveys
315
00:13:32,601 --> 00:13:35,334
when men are asked
what scares them the most
316
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,734
what do you think
the number one answer is?
317
00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:38,667
Anything.
Commitment.
318
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:39,868
Children.
Babies.
319
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:41,000
You're all kind of right.
320
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:43,667
The number one fear
is proposing.
321
00:13:43,734 --> 00:13:46,133
Proposing marriage
is their biggest fear.
322
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,767
Well, we've got some brave souls
in the studio today
323
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:51,200
who are going to propose
to their true loves.
324
00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:53,400
They will do it right here
on the show
325
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:56,300
and the women have no idea.
326
00:13:56,367 --> 00:13:57,300
AUDIENCE:
Ooh...
327
00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:58,801
I know. I love this.
328
00:13:58,868 --> 00:14:00,601
All right, let's talk to our
first brave soul right now--
329
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:01,868
Duckman.
330
00:14:01,934 --> 00:14:04,767
Leezalina, being here
is so very magical for me.
331
00:14:04,834 --> 00:14:06,400
Finally meeting
the daytime hostess
332
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:07,501
with the all-time mostest.
333
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:08,701
And speaking of hostess,
334
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:10,067
might I add
you have two of the best
335
00:14:10,133 --> 00:14:12,367
little snack cakes
in all of talk TV.
336
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:15,133
(light laughter)
337
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,100
But, hey, I don't want
to get your hopes up, L.G.
338
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,934
After all,
I'm a soon-to-be-married man.
339
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,434
Let's talk about your,
your rather unusual situation.
340
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:26,601
Your intended
is a mail-order bride?
341
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:28,634
(audience murmuring)
342
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,334
Oh, sure. Go ahead and judge.
343
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,901
But who among us has
never paid for love?
344
00:14:32,968 --> 00:14:34,834
Let him throw the first stone!
345
00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:36,100
Ee...
346
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:38,567
Okay, Duckman,
maybe what we should do
347
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:41,968
is just go ahead and bring out
your true love, okay?
348
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:45,167
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kathie Lee.
349
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:47,167
(applause)
350
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:54,601
Now, Kathie Lee, you have
no idea why you're here?
351
00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:57,067
Well, Duckman said something
about getting back
352
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,834
at those girls
in high school
353
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:01,300
who dumped pig's blood
on him at the prom.
354
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,133
Is it any wonder
I love her so?
355
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,834
Duckman, is there something
356
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:07,167
that you would like
to ask Kathie Lee?
357
00:15:07,234 --> 00:15:09,834
As a matter of fact,
Leezarino, there is.
358
00:15:09,901 --> 00:15:12,400
Kathie Lee,
before you came into my life
359
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:15,834
I was a sad, lonely,
laughable excuse of a man.
360
00:15:15,901 --> 00:15:18,968
You helped me reach
deep down inside myself
361
00:15:19,033 --> 00:15:21,267
touch that place
I thought was long dead.
362
00:15:21,334 --> 00:15:22,868
I'm talking, of course,
about my prostate.
363
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:24,133
Man, that was a party.
364
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,501
Kathie Lee, I've only said
what I'm about to say
365
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:28,133
to one other person--
366
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,400
two, if you count
that incredibly convincing guy
367
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:31,601
on Santa Monica Boulevard.
368
00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:35,734
But, Kathie Lee,
will you marry me?
369
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:36,834
AUDIENCE:
Aww...
370
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:39,300
Yes, Duckman.
371
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:41,100
And I will try to make you
372
00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:43,601
as happy as
you've made me.
373
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,067
(applause)
374
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:51,067
LEEZA:
Oh, this is
just so special.
375
00:15:51,133 --> 00:15:53,934
And we thought that we
would make it a moment
376
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,033
that you can
always remember.
377
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,868
(running steps)
378
00:15:57,934 --> 00:15:59,200
(yelling):
No!
379
00:16:04,701 --> 00:16:06,334
(snarling)
380
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,300
(roaring)
381
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,367
(all gasp)
382
00:16:10,434 --> 00:16:11,601
(all screaming)
383
00:16:12,834 --> 00:16:15,133
And here we have Stage 26
384
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,801
where Leeza is taped.
385
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,667
(roaring)
386
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:21,234
(shrieks)
387
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:22,868
And there's
the Paramount commissary,
388
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:25,667
where Eddie Mekka enjoyed
mouth-watering sandwiches
389
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,434
and reasonably priced
soft drinks.
390
00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,767
Kathie Lee? Kathie Lee?
391
00:16:30,834 --> 00:16:32,667
(yelling):
No!
392
00:16:32,734 --> 00:16:36,434
GUIDE:
And there, about 100 feet
below me, is suite 411--
393
00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:40,067
once the dressing room
of TV's Walter Koenig.
394
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,868
Don't shoot!
395
00:16:45,501 --> 00:16:47,701
Kathie Lee!
396
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:49,133
(growling)
397
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,133
And over there
is parking lot "D,"
398
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,634
where such
international superstars
399
00:16:52,701 --> 00:16:54,467
as Tina Yothers
and Gallagher
400
00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:57,234
have used our super-efficient
and low-priced valets
401
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:58,601
to pa-a-a-a...
402
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:01,534
(crashing)
403
00:17:01,601 --> 00:17:05,634
And now I'm being rushed
to the Paramount infirmary,
404
00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:08,434
where Marilu Henner
was once taken
405
00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:11,100
after Tony Danza
mistakenly brought...
406
00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:12,400
Kathie Lee, listen.
407
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:13,901
Maybe it was a mistake
taking a feral beast,
408
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:16,634
putting her on national TV
and proposing marriage,
409
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:18,534
but who could foresee
such a thing?
410
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:20,901
Okay, maybe you don't fit in
with this world
411
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:21,934
but neither do I!
412
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,334
That's why I need you.
413
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,501
But it also means
that for once in my life,
414
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:29,000
I can finally say
to someone, "You need me."
415
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:30,901
MAN:
She needs me more, laddie.
416
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:33,901
All right, look, pops,
417
00:17:33,968 --> 00:17:35,534
they're filming the public
service announcement
418
00:17:35,601 --> 00:17:36,634
on Alzheimer's
over on Stage 8
419
00:17:36,701 --> 00:17:37,868
so why don't
you just...?
420
00:17:37,934 --> 00:17:39,334
I am Sir Declan McManus,
421
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:40,968
world-renowned adventurer
422
00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:43,300
and the inventor
of beach volleyball.
423
00:17:43,367 --> 00:17:46,634
That child on the water tower
is the daughter I lost
424
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:49,300
in the jungle
more than 15 years ago.
425
00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:51,534
Eh, can we slap
a Depends on
Pappy McLush
426
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:52,634
before he
soils himself
427
00:17:52,701 --> 00:17:54,133
and get him out of
our lives already?
428
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,234
I mean, really.
429
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:57,267
I happened
to be touring Hollywood
430
00:17:57,334 --> 00:17:58,801
when I was offered a seat
431
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:01,100
at Miss Gibbons'
delightful vaudeville.
432
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,667
Imagine my surprise when I saw
my own wee darlin' daughter,
433
00:18:04,734 --> 00:18:07,701
15 years older
but lookin' not
a whit different
434
00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:09,434
than when I held
her on my knee
435
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:11,601
and sang her
favorite lullaby.
436
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:15,667
* Eeeka beeka boo, my dear *
437
00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:19,100
* Eeeka beeka boo *
438
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:23,267
* Laura leeka meeka maynge *
439
00:18:23,334 --> 00:18:25,667
* Eeeka dormez-vous... *
440
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:27,667
Hey, I know that song.
441
00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:29,000
So do I.
442
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:32,801
ALL THREE:
* Eeeka beeka boo, my dear *
443
00:18:32,868 --> 00:18:36,300
* Eeeka beeka boo *
444
00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:40,567
CROWD:
* Bish borosh en kevan tosh *
445
00:18:40,634 --> 00:18:44,534
* Eeeka beeka boo... *
446
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,634
How come everybody
knows this song except me?
447
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:51,133
* Eeeka langa lang, my dear *
448
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,200
* Eeeka langa roo *
449
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,067
Oy.
450
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:59,067
* Eeeka rumba limbo lang *
451
00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:02,501
* Steeka rama-loo... *
452
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:06,334
ALL:
* Eeeka bim borang, my dear *
453
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,868
* Eeeka bang baroo *
454
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:14,434
* Beff verock en boola block *
455
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:18,534
* Eeeka beeka boo. *
456
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:20,400
Daddy!
457
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:21,868
(all gasp)
458
00:19:25,234 --> 00:19:26,667
Heather!
459
00:19:26,734 --> 00:19:29,267
Your whole family
awaits ye in Scotland.
460
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,100
Ye'll live in a castle
and have horses and cattle
461
00:19:32,167 --> 00:19:36,000
and all the possessions
your heart desires.
462
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:40,367
I'm saving up
for a Clapper.
463
00:19:40,434 --> 00:19:42,267
Duckman?
464
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:43,634
Yes, my love.
465
00:19:43,701 --> 00:19:45,634
I'm going to Scotland.
466
00:19:45,701 --> 00:19:48,367
I knew you'd... dwaah!
467
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:49,901
Don't you see, Duckman?
468
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:52,033
We could never
really be happy.
469
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,534
This world of yours
470
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,801
is too complex,
too frightening
471
00:19:55,868 --> 00:19:58,434
for one who has lived
as simply as I.
472
00:19:58,501 --> 00:19:59,934
Look what I've done--
473
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,701
I almost killed a woman!
474
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,501
You have so much
to learn.
475
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,300
She was only
a tour guide.
476
00:20:05,367 --> 00:20:06,601
That's what I mean.
477
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:09,501
It is so difficult
to remember all you've taught--
478
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,501
how clients expect
to be cheated
479
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:13,868
how sniffing
other people's underwear
480
00:20:13,934 --> 00:20:16,501
is a right protected
by the constitution...
481
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:18,534
She's... she's just
babbling now.
482
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,868
Duckman, I need
to be sheltered.
483
00:20:20,934 --> 00:20:23,200
I need to be
in a land apart--
484
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:26,701
a place that lies
between the jungle of the wild
485
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,033
and the jungle
of civilization.
486
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,400
I need to be in Scotland.
487
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:33,567
Are there any
flashbulbs there?
488
00:20:33,634 --> 00:20:37,667
Lassie, we haven't even
invented the toilet seat!
489
00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:39,667
Good-bye, Duckman.
490
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:41,000
And thank you.
491
00:20:44,234 --> 00:20:46,501
I'll send
for my cage.
492
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:54,267
And so it ends with Duckman--
as ever-- alone.
493
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:56,267
Once again,
in my search for love
494
00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:57,634
I find only emptiness.
495
00:20:57,701 --> 00:20:59,701
My once-dead hopes
now dead again.
496
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:02,234
If cornfed were here,
I know he would ask
497
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:05,701
what, if anything, I will
take away from this experience.
498
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:07,868
To which I would answer...
499
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,167
a red Porsche!
500
00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:15,868
* This could be the best time. *
501
00:21:15,934 --> 00:21:17,868
(crowd clamoring)
502
00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:21,701
(crashing)
503
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:29,334
KATHIE LEE:
* Eeeka langa lang, my dear *
504
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,133
* Eeeka langa roo... *
505
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,968
* Eeeka rumba limbo lang *
506
00:21:37,033 --> 00:21:40,467
* Steeka rama-loo *
507
00:21:40,534 --> 00:21:45,000
CROWD:
* Eeeka bim borang, my dear *
508
00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:48,400
* Eeeka bang baroo *
509
00:21:48,467 --> 00:21:51,801
* Beff verock en boola block *
510
00:21:51,868 --> 00:21:55,167
* Eeeka beeka boo. *
511
00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:06,033
CORNFED:
Horrifying, bloodthirsty,savage, barbaric...
36148
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