Original subtitles

(whistles)

(quacks)

DUCKMAN: It looks like I'll never remarry.

Sure, I had a few close calls

but I've given up now.

Beatrice was the only woman who'll ever love me.

So until they figure out a way to bring

her worm-ridden decomposed corpse back from the dead

or Pamela Lee's daughter reaches the age of semi-consent

whichever comes first.

I'm afraid I'm destined to be a Siegfried without a Roy,

a Roy without a Dale, a Dale without a Chip.

(bells playing "The Wedding March")

I scream, you scream, we all scream

for mail-order brides.

Hey. Aren't you Terry "Duke" Tetzloff,

the con man who almost killed me off

with a defective home security system,

buried my mother-in-law when she wasn't dead

and, uh... did that other bad thing?

The answer is yes, but the best is yet to come.

Mr. Duckman, are you currently experiencing

a gut-wrenching solitude

that has turned your every waking moment

into a living hell?

Kind of.

And you've no doubt tried countless

fruitless activities to fill the void--

phone sex?

Yes.

Sex with phones?

Yes.

Creamed-corn wrestling?

Yes.

Colonic irrigation?

Bought a new garden hose this morning.

Well, congratulations.

You qualify for our pre-suicide discount.

In this truck lies the fulfillment

of all your needs.

A heavily sedated Cindy Crawford?

Ah, the grail.

No, no, Mr. Duckman.

My operation caters to a clientele

willing to forego the superficial charms

that normally make bridal purchase beyond the reach

of a pathetic loser such as yourself.

By using a rigorous screening process

which eliminates all but the most desperate women

we're able to bring direct to you, the consumer

these virtually uninfected marriage partners

at popular prices.

Mr. Duckman, behold.

Woman!

Here they are--

a second-to-some collection

of factory-serviced models at prices so low

you won't believe they're not rubber.

Listen, Mr. Tetzloff, I'm not normally a stickler for...

what do you call them...

Federal immigration laws?

Whatever.

But is this nookiemobile of yours strictly legal?

Let's leave the brain-teasers

like that to the judges and juries, shall we?

All you have to know is that just by listening this long

you've qualified for $50 in matri-money,

good on any item purchased within the next ten minutes.

I don't know, I'm kind of low on scratch

through the end of the millennium.

I hear you, brother.

At the warehouse, I've got a demonstration model

I've been saving for my personal use

in the event my own dear wife cacks.

I'll even throw in a lace teddy for your first night of passion.

Well, I am desperately lonely.

Tetzloff, you've got a deal.

By the way, I'm a size eight petite.

* Buddy, that's us *

(applause)

Kiddles, what's the one thing

that's missing from your lives?

An adult male role model?

Dental checkups?

A better understanding of ortho-molecular compounds

and their effects on human physiology?

Or a new dolly.

How's about a new mother?

Yes, our long national nightmare is over.

Please join me outside

as we officially welcome to the family

Mrs. Duckman the Second.

Oh, I don't understand.

How could you find someone to marry so fast?

Tetzloff waived the credit check.

Come on.

(machinery clanking)

(growling)

CHARLES: Is that Mom?

DUCKMAN: She likes an entrance.

But worry not.

I've been assured she's a real people person.

(snarling)

(screaming)

(electrical crackling)

May God have mercy on your souls.

Is she full of energy, or what?

She's a killing machine.

Is Mommy the Antichrist?

Duckman, your bride is frightening the children.

(howling) Hey, hey, hey, now.

She must be cold, hungry and scared.

If we give her a little kindness and attention,

she probably won't kill anyone else.

Ajax, go see if you can calm her down.

A-okay, Dad.

No. Duckman, I don't know what's going on

but none of us are getting anywhere near that thing.

Fine. I don't care how she looks or how she acts.

This is my chance for happiness,

someone who's mine and mine alone.

So if you guys are so scared

of a poor, frightened, enormously powerful young girl

I'll just talk to her myself.

(growling)

That didn't make you want to prove me wrong, huh?

Honey-lamb?

Boopsie-boo?

(crashing)

(screaming)

What a woman!

(growling)

So, let me see if I understand the premise.

Duckman's gotten himself a mail-order bride who's feral?

What girl isn't a little jittery

meeting her fiance's family for the first time?

We just got to break the ice.

Yeah, before she breaks our spines.

Hmm. What is that odor wafting through the air?

Could it be the scent of big, fat stinking jealousy?!

Fine. We'll let the kids meet her next.

Sure thing, Beastmaster,

but give us a few minutes to get ready.

I have to smear myself with steak sauce.

You guys are pretty quick to judge.

But did you ever stop to think

that inside that scary, rage-filled creature

may be a caring, sensitive human being?

(howling)

Okay, a caring, sensitive human-canine hybrid.

What's important is

that she's legally obligated

to stay with me for the rest of my life.

However long she lets me live.

That's right.

And I happen to think there's a tender, beautiful woman

in this house just waiting to be discovered.

What a nice thing to say about her.

I was talking about me.

(crying)

(door closes)

Duckman, the problem is that in her current state

your fiancee appears to be completely inaccessible.

Only somewhat completely, Cornpopper.

You see, after our initial little misunderstanding...

You mean when she crushed your rib cage?

I arranged to get a closer look at my angel

while she's distracted by eating.

What will she eat?

(doorbell rings)

BOTH: Hello, Mr. Duckman.

We were in the middle of our walkathon

to save endangered walkathons.

So we hope this won't take long.

Shouldn't take long at all.

Fluffy, Uranus, meet my new wife.

BOTH: Hello, Mrs. Duckman.

(roaring)

(Fluffy, Uranus screaming)

So, let's kibitz.

(grunting)

(roaring)

Look at her, Corny.

She's so... what's the word?

Horrifying, bloodthirsty, savage, barbaric.

I mean, lovely.

She's obviously come straight from the wild.

Note the curvature of the spine,

the predatory eyes,

the complete lack of language skills.

I think I'll call her Kathie Lee.

There's not much we can expect in the way of interaction.

I doubt she has any experience

with the subtleties of human communication.

(growling)

She said hello!

Somehow we have to gain Kathie Lee's trust.

The first step is to get closer.

Hold this meat in your hand

and stand a few feet away.

She's hungry.

She'll take it

and she'll begin to think of you as a friend.

(sniffing)

Hmm.

(growling)

(Duckman yelling)

* *

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Remaining sane

is mainly quite a pain.

Unh-unh-unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh-unh-unh.

It's no use, Corny.

I'm afraid she'll never know

the joy of finding just the right words

to things with but having says she do.

Um... yes.

I mean, no.

She will, but it will take kindness and patience.

Oh, Kathie Lee, Kathie Lee,

will you ever speak to me?

What the...?

Did she say something?

Well, I was working on some other things earlier.

What the hell are you staring at?

She's got it!

By George, she's got it!

Piggering!

Just listen to her!

What the hell are you staring at?

Now, once again, what is a pain?

Staying sane! Staying sane!

And what is staying sane?

A pain! A pain!

(clears throat)

Excuse me.

Tonight, we are to be joined at table by my wife-to-be.

Now, I know we got off to a rough start

but I hope you'll be considerate and understanding

and not call animal control until it's absolutely necessary.

Beverly, Ajax, Charles, Whamo...

please say hello to Kathie Lee.

CHARLES: It's incredible.

MAMBO: She's wonderful.

She's the most beautiful Antichrist I've ever seen.

Look! She put a napkin in her lap.

Yeah. She still drools a bit.

That aside, she looks like a million dollars.

And I only paid $150.

How do... you do?

I'm very glad to meet you all.

She talks!

And to think, a few days ago, I was happy

'cause she could write her name on the wall with her own feces.

But when I write my name on the wall with my own feces

I'm being naughty.

Isn't she great?

I can't wait to show her off around town.

Oh, she's made tremendous progress,

but do you really think she's ready for society?

Are you kidding?

Look how she carries herself.

And the kids.

When I grow up,

I want to buy a woman just like Mom.

Duckman, have you been... intimate with her?

No, but when I do, she'll find I'm quite the animal myself.

The ladies say I'm like a cheetah on the prowl--

very fast and then, in an instant, it's over.

(Kathie Lee clears throat)

I am very pleased to be here tonight.

And I am honored that you have allowed me

to be in your basement and a part of your family.

Oh, Kathie Lee.

We want to commemorate this with a picture.

Come on, smile, Dad.

Smile, Kathie Lee.

(growling)

Something's wrong.

She's going to blow.

You broke Mommy.

(roaring)

Duckman, see what you've done?

Kathie lee's not ready to be with other people.

She probably won't ever be.

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

You know what, Beverly?

You're right.

Kathie Lee may never be civilized.

But it doesn't matter.

I don't care what she does or how she acts.

I love her and I'm gonna stick by her.

I'm sorry, Duckman.

I was wrong to say that.

I'm glad you did.

It made me realize that it's time to take the next step.

I'm going to propose,

but I want to do it in a special way.

You mean the way you did with Beatrice?

No. I don't want amyl nitrate

screwing with my vision this time.

I want it to be a beautiful moment

that we'll be able to replay over and over

for the rest of our lives.

And I know just how to do it.

Well, hello, everybody and welcome to the show.

Got a great one for you today.

It's surprise marriage proposals.

So come on back for today's Leeza.

(cheering)

* This could be the best time. *

Welcome back.

You know, according to surveys

when men are asked what scares them the most

what do you think the number one answer is?

Anything. Commitment.

Children. Babies.

You're all kind of right.

The number one fear is proposing.

Proposing marriage is their biggest fear.

Well, we've got some brave souls in the studio today

who are going to propose to their true loves.

They will do it right here on the show

and the women have no idea.

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

I know. I love this.

All right, let's talk to our first brave soul right now--

Duckman.

Leezalina, being here is so very magical for me.

Finally meeting the daytime hostess

with the all-time mostest.

And speaking of hostess,

might I add you have two of the best

little snack cakes in all of talk TV.

(light laughter)

But, hey, I don't want to get your hopes up, L.G.

After all, I'm a soon-to-be-married man.

Let's talk about your, your rather unusual situation.

Your intended is a mail-order bride?

(audience murmuring)

Oh, sure. Go ahead and judge.

But who among us has never paid for love?

Let him throw the first stone!

Ee...

Okay, Duckman, maybe what we should do

is just go ahead and bring out your true love, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kathie Lee.

(applause)

Now, Kathie Lee, you have no idea why you're here?

Well, Duckman said something about getting back

at those girls in high school

who dumped pig's blood on him at the prom.

Is it any wonder I love her so?

Duckman, is there something

that you would like to ask Kathie Lee?

As a matter of fact, Leezarino, there is.

Kathie Lee, before you came into my life

I was a sad, lonely, laughable excuse of a man.

You helped me reach deep down inside myself

touch that place I thought was long dead.

I'm talking, of course, about my prostate.

Man, that was a party.

Kathie Lee, I've only said what I'm about to say

to one other person--

two, if you count that incredibly convincing guy

on Santa Monica Boulevard.

But, Kathie Lee, will you marry me?

AUDIENCE: Aww...

Yes, Duckman.

And I will try to make you

as happy as you've made me.

(applause)

LEEZA: Oh, this is just so special.

And we thought that we would make it a moment

that you can always remember.

(running steps)

(yelling): No!

(snarling)

(roaring)

(all gasp)

(all screaming)

And here we have Stage 26

where Leeza is taped.

(roaring)

(shrieks)

And there's the Paramount commissary,

where Eddie Mekka enjoyed mouth-watering sandwiches

and reasonably priced soft drinks.

Kathie Lee? Kathie Lee?

(yelling): No!

GUIDE: And there, about 100 feet below me, is suite 411--

once the dressing room of TV's Walter Koenig.

Don't shoot!

Kathie Lee!

(growling)

And over there is parking lot "D,"

where such international superstars

as Tina Yothers and Gallagher

have used our super-efficient and low-priced valets

to pa-a-a-a...

(crashing)

And now I'm being rushed to the Paramount infirmary,

where Marilu Henner was once taken

after Tony Danza mistakenly brought...

Kathie Lee, listen.

Maybe it was a mistake taking a feral beast,

putting her on national TV and proposing marriage,

but who could foresee such a thing?

Okay, maybe you don't fit in with this world

but neither do I!

That's why I need you.

But it also means that for once in my life,

I can finally say to someone, "You need me."

MAN: She needs me more, laddie.

All right, look, pops,

they're filming the public service announcement

on Alzheimer's over on Stage 8

so why don't you just...?

I am Sir Declan McManus,

world-renowned adventurer

and the inventor of beach volleyball.

That child on the water tower is the daughter I lost

in the jungle more than 15 years ago.

Eh, can we slap a Depends on Pappy McLush

before he soils himself

and get him out of our lives already?

I mean, really.

I happened to be touring Hollywood

when I was offered a seat

at Miss Gibbons' delightful vaudeville.

Imagine my surprise when I saw my own wee darlin' daughter,

15 years older but lookin' not a whit different

than when I held her on my knee

and sang her favorite lullaby.

* Eeeka beeka boo, my dear *

* Eeeka beeka boo *

* Laura leeka meeka maynge *

* Eeeka dormez-vous... *

Hey, I know that song.

So do I.

ALL THREE: * Eeeka beeka boo, my dear *

* Eeeka beeka boo *

CROWD: * Bish borosh en kevan tosh *

* Eeeka beeka boo... *

How come everybody knows this song except me?

* Eeeka langa lang, my dear *

* Eeeka langa roo *

Oy.

* Eeeka rumba limbo lang *

* Steeka rama-loo... *

ALL: * Eeeka bim borang, my dear *

* Eeeka bang baroo *

* Beff verock en boola block *

* Eeeka beeka boo. *

Daddy!

(all gasp)

Heather!

Your whole family awaits ye in Scotland.

Ye'll live in a castle and have horses and cattle

and all the possessions your heart desires.

I'm saving up for a Clapper.

Duckman?

Yes, my love.

I'm going to Scotland.

I knew you'd... dwaah!

Don't you see, Duckman?

We could never really be happy.

This world of yours

is too complex, too frightening

for one who has lived as simply as I.

Look what I've done--

I almost killed a woman!

You have so much to learn.

She was only a tour guide.

That's what I mean.

It is so difficult to remember all you've taught--

how clients expect to be cheated

how sniffing other people's underwear

is a right protected by the constitution...

She's... she's just babbling now.

Duckman, I need to be sheltered.

I need to be in a land apart--

a place that lies between the jungle of the wild

and the jungle of civilization.

I need to be in Scotland.

Are there any flashbulbs there?

Lassie, we haven't even invented the toilet seat!

Good-bye, Duckman.

And thank you.

I'll send for my cage.

And so it ends with Duckman-- as ever-- alone.

Once again, in my search for love

I find only emptiness.

My once-dead hopes now dead again.

If cornfed were here, I know he would ask

what, if anything, I will take away from this experience.

To which I would answer...

a red Porsche!

* This could be the best time. *

(crowd clamoring)

(crashing)

KATHIE LEE: * Eeeka langa lang, my dear *

* Eeeka langa roo... *

* Eeeka rumba limbo lang *

* Steeka rama-loo *

CROWD: * Eeeka bim borang, my dear *

* Eeeka bang baroo *

* Beff verock en boola block *

* Eeeka beeka boo. *

CORNFED: Horrifying, bloodthirsty, savage, barbaric...