Original subtitles

(door creaks open)

(whistles)

(duck quacks)

(drumming fingers)

(snoring)

(loud gulp)

(breaking wind)

(snoring)

(drumming fingers)

(snoring)

(loud gulp)

(snoring)

(door opens)

CORNFED: Hi. Aah! Aah! Aah!

I haven't felt tension like that

since I got stuck in an elevator

with Pat Buchanan and Rupaul.

What's wrong?

The whole clan's gone Ku-Klux ku-ku.

Bev keeps pressuring us to be more like a happy family--

completely upsetting

the delicately balanced dysfunctions

that took us years to perfect.

All this togetherness is killing us.

(starter whining)

(engine revving)

(thud)

WOMAN: Ohh!

(groaning)

Oh, great.

Corny, reach back and get me

the pedestrian remains kit.

Okay, got your bone saw, got your lye, gloves,

shovel, tarp, a couple of wet-naps.

Yep, all here.

Duckman, this is a human being we're talking about.

Oh, fine, Mr. Every-time- I-Hit-Someone-I-Report-It.

Be that way!

(car door closes)

Whoa-ho-ho!

These are remains to be seen--

angelic face, flaxen hair, muscular thighs, pouty lips,

and a pair of leaf-n-lawn-size Cinch Sacs.

What a corpus delectable!

Just imagining her chalk outline makes my gantry gush,

makes my beef jerky, makes my peter Boyle,

makes my roger Mudd, makes... Ah, Duckman,

I hate to break it to you, but she's not dead.

Can the denial, Corny--

especially if it interferes with my wordplay.

Remember that she and her tawny buttocks

have gone to a better place.

So now let's get her to an even better place-- my basement.

I want to get started while she's still poseable.

(moaning)

See? She is alive.

Well, makes it more difficult, but what worth doing isn't?

My ankle.

I think it's starting to swell.

There's a lot of that going around.

Coming through! Heads up!

Injured nymphet incoming.

Ice pack and Polaroid, stat!

Wow. She's so cute.

Can we keep her? Please?

I'll train her and teach her to do tricks

and to fetch and go for walks.

And I'll take good care of her.

I really will. I promise.

Oh, you poor thing, are you hurt?

What happened?

It was my fault, really.

I skated into the car.

Please don't make a fuss.

You're all so sweet.

I'm Tami-- Tami Marguilies.

Is your family new to the neighborhood?

I lost my family three years ago

in our cabin in Vermont.

Vermont, Kansas, or Vermont, Missouri?

It's not my fault I go to a public school.

Vermont, New England.

We decided to have a real old-fashioned Christmas,

doing all the traditional things.

(sleigh bells ringing)

And on Christmas Eve,

my dad surprised us by renting a sleigh.

We took it out caroling.

We laughed and sang.

Oh, it was perfect--

until something scared the horses.

One reared, another tried to buck his rigging,

and then the sled turned over.

I was thrown clear, but I looked up and I saw

my parents and brothers screaming, trampled to death.

(sobbing)

* Jingle bells, jingle bells. *

Sorry. There's just something about a sleigh.

After the accident,

I bounced from one foster home to another,

and when I was 18, I packed everything I owned

and came here to go to the college downtown.

Is that what those big buildings are?

I was wondering why all those Asian kids were hanging around.

Well, speaking of kids, yours are great--

so handsome

and polite.

Thank you, but they're my sister's kids.

She's gone, too.

So you moved in to take care of them?

Wow. You guys all seem so close, it...

it makes me wish I weren't so alone.

Well, I have to go.

I'm living at a transient hotel with no locks on the doors,

so I can't leave my stuff unattended too long.

Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Take off your top!

Uh, I meant stay here with us.

(snaps fingers)

Do you mean it?

I don't want to be in the way.

Oh, no, you won't be in the way.

We'd love to have you stay.

BEVERLY: Mmm. This latte is fabulous.

I'm glad you like it.

Bev, this feels like home already.

You're all doing so much for me--

what with the boys pampering me

and you being such a good friend

and Duckman always making sure

I have plenty of Nivea on my thighs.

Why, this afternoon, he's offered to make sure

my breasts are properly aligned and lubed

so I won't hurt myself when I jump up and down for him.

Well, I-I...

(yawns): Ohh!

Excuse me, oh.

Uh-oh. Looks like someone needs

another latte pick-me-up.

Let me pour you some more.

Thanks, Ta...

(yawning)

(snoring quietly)

Good morning, Bev.

Mm... morning?

I'm afraid you've been sleeping

since yesterday.

Oh, but don't worry.

I made you a special eye-opener--

a double latte.

There you go.

Drinkie, drinkie.

Uh, must-- must get up.

Things to do... is clean the garage.

Don't you worry.

Duckman and the boys are doing it.

It was their idea.

Still so sleeeepy.

Well, here's my handsome crew.

How's the garage coming?

Almost done.

Wow. I am so proud of you,

and I know Bev would be, too,

if she weren't asleep.

She sure is sleeping a lot.

She's just under the weather.

Yeah, and the forecast is "partly sloshed."

Now, now.

Be nice.

Back to work, you scamps.

Scoot.

(thud) Ohh!

(Beverly groaning)

(leaves rustling)

Aaaaah!

(growling)

(screeching)

(groaning): Where am I?

What's happening?

I haven't felt this way since... Wynonna Judd concert.

Oh!

No. It... it... it can't be.

(to tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"): * Put your feathers down *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh. *

(all laughing)

Fresh-squeezed lemonade, anyone?

Love some.

Oh, uh... hi, Bev.

It's impossible.

Everybody's having fun.

They're getting along and respecting one another.

Duckman's even put pants on!

Yes, I am wearing pants,

and lips that touch wine will never touch them.

My God, Beverly, look how low you've sunk.

Even I am superior to you.

Now, now.

We must try to understand what Beverly is going through--

a surrogate mother, plagued by inadequacies,

feels threatened by another female in the house

and takes solace in substance abuse.

It's a classic story.

I'll say. Add Linda Gray and some gratuitous violence,

and it's every movie USA ever made.

But Tami knows I haven't been drinking.

She's been with me, giving me latte and...

I don't understand.

(mumbling)

I'm missing a button.

(hiccups)

DUCKMAN: Old Grandpa's Old Sour Bush?

That rot-gut sterilized half of Little Rock.

I don't... I don't know what's happening.

(groaning)

Charles, Mambo,

get some washcloths from the linen closet

and make cold compresses for your aunt.

Ajax, take poor Aunt Beverly to bed

and give her these special "vitamins."

Duckman,

sweetheart, I...

Did you hear that?

I called you sweetheart,

like we were married or something.

(giggling) ( giggling)

Color me kooky,

but something very odd is going on around here.

Bushwa!

No, Duckman, Cornfed is right.

I don't know how to tell you this,

but I found Beverly in bed with a bloody spade.

Uh, Tami, they prefer to be called negroes.

No! One of these!

CORNFED: Tami implied that Bev had injured someone, or worse,

but things didn't quite add up.

If Bev had the bloody spade in bed with her,

why was there no blood on her nightgown, her bed

or on the dashboard of her Bronco?

And what about Tami's family?

She said they died in a freak sleighing accident in Vermont.

Little did she know that

as a freak sleighing accident buff,

I knew there hadn't been any in Vermont

since the Montpelier stompings of aught-six.

There was only one place to get the information I needed,

but it was closed, so I went to the library.

(Cornfed grunts)

Jumping Jehosophat.

According to the VermontPenny Saver,

Tami's family died in a freak sleighing accident,

but it was "slaying" as in butcher knives, not sleds.

I have to warn my friends before it's too late.

LIBRARY PATRON: Shh!

Sorry.

I haven't heard from Bev in days.

I've got to figure out what's going on back there.

TAMI: Hi. You've reached Tami and the Duckman family.

Tami?!

(on machine): Nobody can take your call right now,

especially Beverly, who's blind-stinking-drunk.

So please leave a message, and I, the new surrogate mother,

will get back to you as soon as I finish

taking her place, which is really soon.

Wait for the moan.

(Beverly moaning) (gasps)

Either this Tami is one of Duckman's schizo personalities,

or there's some chick trying to muscle in on my family!

I'm gonna fly right home

and open up a fresh jar of Miracle Whup!

I got a bad feeling about this.

Now, you said yourself that this looks like the spade

of Dr. Stein's gentle-yet-dim-witted gardener.

We've got to give it back.

What say we just chuck the friggin' thing

and hightail it out of here A.S.A.-Please?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, ooh!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

(jet engine roaring)

Ohh!

Ohh! Out of my way!

Obnoxious public official coming through!

When's the next plane out of here?

A crop duster leaving from Gate 3.

I'll take it.

BERNICE: Whoo-hoo!

(brakes screeching)

(beep)

(people chattering in background)

MAN: What's going on?

I can't believe

Aunt Beverly could do something like this.

Well, when you think about it,

what kind of person just suddenly shows up one day

and moves right into your house?

Like you suddenly showed up and...

Kids say the darndest things.

What I meant was,

maybe your aunt couldn't handle the strain

of raising you, so she just snapped.

Luckily, you have me now, and I'll never, ever let you go.

Amen. But for now, let's keep Bev's possible involvement

on the Q.T. and off the police blotter.

I know you kids may be scared

having a possible murderer in the house,

but if she's sick,

we'll be the ones who help her.

We found this housecoat button

clenched in the victim's fingers.

She did it!

Bev's the killer, right there!

CHARLES: Please don't hurt our aunt!

Boys, don't worry.

We'll handle this situation with delicacy and restraint.

After all, we're the LAPD.

Take her down.

(screaming) (guns cocking)

(taser zapping) (screaming)

(taser zapping) (screaming)

(screaming) Okay, boys, break's over.

They're bringing her out.

(muffled protests)

I don't believe it.

Aunt Beverly-- a murderer?!

It can't be.

Oh, let's forget about her

and enjoy our family time together.

She knew nothing about being part of a family.

So we'll just leave her

right out of our family plans, right?

And if we all, as a family, pretend she's not in the family,

then that becomes, in and of itself,

a family thing for a family to do.

Right, family?

Did you ever hear a word so many times

that after a while, it seemed to lose all meaning?

Oh, sure...

"No."

"Stop."

"Get out."

"How dare you."

"Excuse me, I'm Catholic."

"I'm a man."

Our perfect family

is going to have a perfect family evening

even if it kills us.

And when the drugs she gave me wore off,

I realized it was Tami all along.

The drugs you gave me kicked in, and I forgot again,

but I remember now-- she's out to get my family.

We've got to stop her!

Beverly, the state doesn't pay me according to

how much I care, or according to how many patients I let out.

I'm paid by the hour.

So, let's delve into your childhood, huh?

Okay.

Hyah!

(tires squealing)

Private investigator.

I need to commandeer this vehicle.

Okay.

Right foot, red...

I'm worried about poor Aunt Beverly.

I'm not sure turning her in

was the right thing to do.

The evidence against her is flimsy at best.

You know, the least you could do

is try to enjoy the perfect family activity

I've arranged for us.

But all you want to is talk about Beverly.

Beverly, who slept all day and neglected you

and got into a drunken stupor

and split a nosy gardener's head open...

(gasps)

Look, Tami, I-I got to level with you.

Please don't take this the wrong way,

but you're really creeping everyone out

with this family stuff.

Why? Whatever do you mean?

Well, you know.

No, I don't.

But you can tell me anything.

We're family.

That's just it, Tami-- we're not family.

Well, I mean, we are, but you're not.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize it,

but Bev is our family.

At first I went along with this

because I wanted to make some hot monkey love with you.

Then I did it to please the boys.

Then I got back to the hot monkey love thing

and then I started doing it

because it felt good to be part of a family.

Then there was still the monkey love component.

But now it's just too weird.

I think it's time for you to move on.

(screams)

(grunts)

Uh...

(nervous chuckle): Problem?

(screaming)

Everything was perfect,

but you didn't seem to appreciate it.

"Aunt Bev" this and "Aunt Bev" that.

(panting)

(screams)

(cries out)

(stabbing sounds)

(splattering and buzzing)

(all sighing)

(yelling)

You thought I was dead,

but you're the ones who will die!

Just like that snoopy gardener I killed

before I framed Beverly for the murder.

Now it's your turn.

You're not a perfect family.

Uh, is there some kind of fine we could pay?

(cackling)

I've got to save them.

I hope I'm not too late.

(screaming)

(loud crash)

Back off, bitch!

You! You ruined...

everything!

Every time I find the perfect family,

they always disappoint me!

Of course they do.

Because there's no such thing as a perfect family.

It's the imperfections that make families interesting,

that make them human.

No! Liar!

You're a li-i-i-ar!

(electrical crackling)

(gasping and sputtering)

I am not cleaning this up.

BEVERLY: Good thing that prison psychiatrist

left his pen on the desk.

Let me guess-- you used the pen to pick the locks.

No. I used it to fill out a requisition form

for an extra set of keys.

You're the most radical, Aunt Bev.

We're sorry we ever doubted you.

It looks like I left our little family unit

in good hands.

Well, I do my best.

And now it's time

to soak my aching bod

in a hot tub.

Hey, Bev, I'm glad you're not a drunk psycho killer, really.

* Rub-a-dub-dub *

* Duckman's in the tub *

* Ah, hey-oh. *

Did you miss me?!

Hi, Tami.

I mean, dwaaaah!

(melodramatic music playing)

(gurgling screams)

(gasping)

Good thing we knew that psychotic killers

always return after their apparent deaths.

Well-played!

And, Bernice, I'll never forget

how you came through for me.

Oh, and I'll never forget how you brought

(yelling): A psycho-axe-killer bimbo into my house!

Why point fingers of blame,

or in your case, talons?

We learned a valuable lesson here:

The best part about being a family

is finding people you want to kill,

then working together to kill them.

Come on, kids, it's IHOP time.

* Thrust your feathers down *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh *

* Thrust your feathers down *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh *

* Thrust your pelvis, huh *

(laughter)

(snoring)

(loud gulp)

BUS DRIVER: Okay.