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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:03,033
(door creaks open)
2
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:11,067
(whistles)
3
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,467
(duck quacks)
4
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:45,167
(drumming fingers)
5
00:00:53,734 --> 00:00:57,334
(snoring)
6
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:58,667
(loud gulp)
7
00:01:00,467 --> 00:01:03,133
(breaking wind)
8
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,501
(snoring)
9
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:06,000
(drumming fingers)
10
00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:11,000
(snoring)
11
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:12,467
(loud gulp)
12
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,234
(snoring)
13
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:16,267
(door opens)
14
00:01:16,334 --> 00:01:17,601
CORNFED: Hi.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
15
00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:21,934
I haven't felt
tension like that
16
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,868
since I got stuck
in an elevator
17
00:01:23,934 --> 00:01:25,434
with Pat Buchanan
and Rupaul.
18
00:01:25,501 --> 00:01:26,634
What's wrong?
19
00:01:26,701 --> 00:01:29,367
The whole clan's
gone Ku-Klux ku-ku.
20
00:01:29,434 --> 00:01:31,801
Bev keeps pressuring us to be
more like a happy family--
21
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:32,801
completely upsetting
22
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:34,267
the delicately balanced
dysfunctions
23
00:01:34,334 --> 00:01:35,801
that took us years
to perfect.
24
00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:38,667
All this togetherness
is killing us.
25
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,234
(starter whining)
26
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,701
(engine revving)
27
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:46,934
(thud)
28
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:47,934
WOMAN:
Ohh!
29
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:48,934
(groaning)
30
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:49,934
Oh, great.
31
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:50,968
Corny, reach
back and get me
32
00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:52,801
the pedestrian
remains kit.
33
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:57,901
Okay, got your bone saw,
got your lye, gloves,
34
00:01:57,968 --> 00:01:59,400
shovel, tarp,
a couple of wet-naps.
35
00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:00,934
Yep, all here.
36
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,567
Duckman, this is a human being
we're talking about.
37
00:02:03,634 --> 00:02:07,200
Oh, fine, Mr. Every-time-
I-Hit-Someone-I-Report-It.
38
00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:08,534
Be that way!
39
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:10,801
(car door closes)
40
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,767
Whoa-ho-ho!
41
00:02:12,834 --> 00:02:14,734
These are remains
to be seen--
42
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:18,567
angelic face, flaxen hair,
muscular thighs, pouty lips,
43
00:02:18,634 --> 00:02:20,567
and a pair of leaf-n-lawn-size
Cinch Sacs.
44
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:22,567
What a corpus delectable!
45
00:02:22,634 --> 00:02:25,033
Just imagining her chalk outline
makes my gantry gush,
46
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,033
makes my beef jerky,
makes my peter Boyle,
47
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:29,133
makes my roger Mudd, makes...
Ah, Duckman,
48
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,767
I hate to
break it to you,
but she's not dead.
49
00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:33,200
Can the denial, Corny--
50
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,767
especially if it interferes
with my wordplay.
51
00:02:34,834 --> 00:02:36,167
Remember that she and
her tawny buttocks
52
00:02:36,234 --> 00:02:37,734
have gone to a
better place.
53
00:02:37,801 --> 00:02:40,567
So now let's get her to an even
better place-- my basement.
54
00:02:40,634 --> 00:02:42,567
I want to get started while
she's still poseable.
55
00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:43,767
(moaning)
56
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:45,601
See? She is alive.
57
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:48,767
Well, makes it more difficult,
but what worth doing isn't?
58
00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:51,334
My ankle.
59
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,501
I think it's starting to swell.
60
00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:55,200
There's a lot of that
going around.
61
00:02:57,334 --> 00:02:58,634
Coming through!
Heads up!
62
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,133
Injured nymphet
incoming.
63
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,400
Ice pack and
Polaroid, stat!
64
00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:04,501
Wow. She's so cute.
65
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,434
Can we keep her? Please?
66
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:08,634
I'll train her
and teach her to do tricks
67
00:03:08,701 --> 00:03:10,234
and to fetch and go for walks.
68
00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:11,701
And I'll take good care of her.
69
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,534
I really will. I promise.
70
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:17,033
Oh, you poor thing,
are you hurt?
71
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,200
What happened?
72
00:03:18,267 --> 00:03:20,200
It was my fault, really.
73
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:21,834
I skated into the car.
74
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,667
Please don't make a fuss.
75
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:25,100
You're all so sweet.
76
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:26,701
I'm Tami--
Tami Marguilies.
77
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:29,701
Is your family new
to the neighborhood?
78
00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:31,901
I lost my family
three years ago
79
00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,834
in our cabin in Vermont.
80
00:03:33,901 --> 00:03:36,567
Vermont, Kansas,
or Vermont, Missouri?
81
00:03:37,934 --> 00:03:41,267
It's not my fault
I go to a public school.
82
00:03:41,334 --> 00:03:42,734
Vermont, New England.
83
00:03:42,801 --> 00:03:45,968
We decided to have a real
old-fashioned Christmas,
84
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,267
doing all
the traditional things.
85
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:49,601
(sleigh bells ringing)
86
00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:50,934
And on Christmas Eve,
87
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,801
my dad surprised usby renting a sleigh.
88
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:55,367
We took it out caroling.
89
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:57,033
We laughed and sang.
90
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:59,067
Oh, it was perfect--
91
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:00,901
until somethingscared the horses.
92
00:04:00,968 --> 00:04:03,434
One reared, another triedto buck his rigging,
93
00:04:03,501 --> 00:04:05,300
and then the sled turned over.
94
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:07,901
I was thrown clear,but I looked up and I saw
95
00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:11,767
my parents and brothersscreaming, trampled to death.
96
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,434
(sobbing)
97
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:15,934
* Jingle bells,
jingle bells. *
98
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,667
Sorry. There's
just something
about a sleigh.
99
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,567
After the accident,
100
00:04:20,634 --> 00:04:23,100
I bounced from
one foster home to another,
101
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:25,767
and when I was 18,
I packed everything I owned
102
00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:28,400
and came here to go
to the college downtown.
103
00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:30,767
Is that what
those big buildings are?
104
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:33,200
I was wondering why all those
Asian kids were hanging around.
105
00:04:33,267 --> 00:04:35,934
Well, speaking of kids,
yours are great--
106
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,434
so handsome
107
00:04:37,501 --> 00:04:38,701
and polite.
108
00:04:38,767 --> 00:04:40,934
Thank you, but they're
my sister's kids.
109
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,133
She's gone, too.
110
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,000
So you moved in
to take care of them?
111
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:48,834
Wow. You guys all seem
so close, it...
112
00:04:48,901 --> 00:04:52,334
it makes me wish
I weren't so alone.
113
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,167
Well, I have to go.
114
00:04:54,234 --> 00:04:57,167
I'm living at a transient hotel
with no locks on the doors,
115
00:04:57,234 --> 00:05:00,334
so I can't leave my stuff
unattended too long.
116
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,767
Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
117
00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:05,767
Take off your top!
118
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:08,501
Uh, I meant
stay here with us.
119
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,067
(snaps fingers)
120
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,234
Do you mean it?
121
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:12,901
I don't want to
be in the way.
122
00:05:12,968 --> 00:05:14,400
Oh, no, you won't be
in the way.
123
00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,267
We'd love
to have you stay.
124
00:05:18,267 --> 00:05:22,033
BEVERLY:
Mmm. This latte is fabulous.
125
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,667
I'm glad you like it.
126
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:25,801
Bev, this feels
like home already.
127
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:27,767
You're all doing
so much for me--
128
00:05:27,834 --> 00:05:30,133
what with the boys
pampering me
129
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,701
and you being
such a good friend
130
00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:33,400
and Duckman
always making sure
131
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,734
I have plenty of Nivea
on my thighs.
132
00:05:35,801 --> 00:05:38,300
Why, this afternoon,
he's offered to make sure
133
00:05:38,367 --> 00:05:40,701
my breasts are
properly aligned and lubed
134
00:05:40,767 --> 00:05:43,601
so I won't hurt myself when
I jump up and down for him.
135
00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:45,234
Well, I-I...
136
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,400
(yawns):
Ohh!
137
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:48,000
Excuse me, oh.
138
00:05:48,067 --> 00:05:51,033
Uh-oh. Looks like
someone needs
139
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,367
another latte pick-me-up.
140
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:54,334
Let me pour you some more.
141
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,901
Thanks, Ta...
142
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:58,367
(yawning)
143
00:06:00,968 --> 00:06:04,501
(snoring quietly)
144
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,734
Good morning, Bev.
145
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,133
Mm... morning?
146
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,801
I'm afraid you've
been sleeping
147
00:06:09,868 --> 00:06:10,968
since yesterday.
148
00:06:11,033 --> 00:06:12,400
Oh, but don't worry.
149
00:06:12,467 --> 00:06:15,033
I made you a
special eye-opener--
150
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,300
a double latte.
151
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:18,467
There you go.
152
00:06:18,534 --> 00:06:20,200
Drinkie, drinkie.
153
00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:22,033
Uh, must-- must get up.
154
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:25,267
Things to do...
is clean the garage.
155
00:06:25,334 --> 00:06:26,734
Don't you worry.
156
00:06:26,801 --> 00:06:29,133
Duckman and the boys
are doing it.
157
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,400
It was their idea.
158
00:06:31,467 --> 00:06:35,567
Still so sleeeepy.
159
00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:40,434
Well, here's
my handsome crew.
160
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,067
How's the garage coming?
161
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:43,367
Almost done.
162
00:06:43,434 --> 00:06:46,267
Wow. I am
so proud of you,
163
00:06:46,334 --> 00:06:48,534
and I know Bev
would be, too,
164
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,133
if she weren't asleep.
165
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,367
She sure is sleeping a lot.
166
00:06:52,434 --> 00:06:54,033
She's just under the weather.
167
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:57,100
Yeah, and the forecast
is "partly sloshed."
168
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,334
Now, now.
169
00:06:58,400 --> 00:06:59,701
Be nice.
170
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,601
Back to work,
you scamps.
171
00:07:01,667 --> 00:07:02,667
Scoot.
172
00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:06,901
(thud)
Ohh!
173
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:11,767
(Beverly groaning)
174
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,400
(leaves rustling)
175
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:31,567
Aaaaah!
176
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:32,367
(growling)
177
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:35,033
(screeching)
178
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:43,434
(groaning):
Where am I?
179
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:45,601
What's happening?
180
00:07:50,968 --> 00:07:56,334
I haven't felt this way
since... Wynonna Judd concert.
181
00:07:57,434 --> 00:07:58,367
Oh!
182
00:07:58,434 --> 00:08:02,834
No. It... it... it can't be.
183
00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:05,934
(to tune of
"On Top of Old Smokey"):
* Put your feathers down *
184
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,567
* Thrust your pelvis, huh *
185
00:08:08,634 --> 00:08:11,734
* Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh *
186
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:14,734
* Thrust your pelvis, huh. *
187
00:08:14,801 --> 00:08:17,701
(all laughing)
188
00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:19,901
Fresh-squeezed
lemonade, anyone?
189
00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:21,300
Love some.
190
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,167
Oh, uh... hi, Bev.
191
00:08:23,234 --> 00:08:25,200
It's impossible.
192
00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:27,000
Everybody's having fun.
193
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:29,834
They're getting along
and respecting one another.
194
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:32,567
Duckman's even put pants on!
195
00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:34,634
Yes, I am wearing pants,
196
00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:37,501
and lips that touch wine
will never touch them.
197
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:40,133
My God, Beverly, look
how low you've sunk.
198
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,868
Even I am
superior to you.
199
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:43,234
Now, now.
200
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:46,601
We must try to understand
what Beverly is going through--
201
00:08:46,667 --> 00:08:49,968
a surrogate mother,
plagued by inadequacies,
202
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:52,501
feels threatened by
another female in the house
203
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:54,100
and takes solace
in substance abuse.
204
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,701
It's a classic story.
205
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:58,167
I'll say. Add Linda Gray
and some gratuitous violence,
206
00:08:58,234 --> 00:08:59,934
and it's every movie
USA ever made.
207
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,300
But Tami knows
I haven't been drinking.
208
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:05,467
She's been with me,
giving me latte and...
209
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:07,267
I don't understand.
210
00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:08,434
(mumbling)
211
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:10,100
I'm missing a button.
212
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,934
(hiccups)
213
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:17,267
DUCKMAN:
Old Grandpa's
Old Sour Bush?
214
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,767
That rot-gut sterilized
half of Little Rock.
215
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:23,400
I don't... I don't know
what's happening.
216
00:09:23,467 --> 00:09:25,501
(groaning)
217
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:26,868
Charles, Mambo,
218
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,534
get some washcloths
from the linen closet
219
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,901
and make cold compresses
for your aunt.
220
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:33,434
Ajax, take poor Aunt Beverly
to bed
221
00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:35,501
and give her these
special "vitamins."
222
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:40,100
Duckman,
223
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:41,300
sweetheart, I...
224
00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:42,534
Did you hear that?
225
00:09:42,601 --> 00:09:43,767
I called you sweetheart,
226
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:46,434
like we were married
or something.
227
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,567
(giggling)
( giggling)
228
00:09:48,634 --> 00:09:49,901
Color me kooky,
229
00:09:49,968 --> 00:09:52,067
but something very odd
is going on around here.
230
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,167
Bushwa!
231
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:55,968
No, Duckman,
Cornfed is right.
232
00:09:56,033 --> 00:09:57,501
I don't know how
to tell you this,
233
00:09:57,567 --> 00:10:01,334
but I found Beverly in bed
with a bloody spade.
234
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,434
Uh, Tami, they prefer
to be called negroes.
235
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,467
No! One of these!
236
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,834
CORNFED:
Tami implied that Bevhad injured someone, or worse,
237
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:16,267
but things didn't quite add up.
238
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:18,400
If Bev had the bloody spadein bed with her,
239
00:10:18,467 --> 00:10:20,567
why was there no bloodon her nightgown, her bed
240
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:22,400
or on the dashboardof her Bronco?
241
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,234
And what about Tami's family?
242
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,834
She said they died in a freaksleighing accident in Vermont.
243
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:28,000
Little did she know that
244
00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:29,667
as a freaksleighing accident buff,
245
00:10:29,734 --> 00:10:31,400
I knew there hadn'tbeen any in Vermont
246
00:10:31,467 --> 00:10:33,601
since the Montpelier stompingsof aught-six.
247
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,267
There was only one place to getthe information I needed,
248
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:38,934
but it was closed,so I went to the library.
249
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:46,267
(Cornfed grunts)
250
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:50,434
Jumping Jehosophat.
251
00:10:50,501 --> 00:10:52,467
According tothe VermontPenny Saver,
252
00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:55,033
Tami's family diedin a freak sleighing accident,
253
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:58,200
but it was "slaying" as inbutcher knives, not sleds.
254
00:10:58,267 --> 00:11:00,601
I have to warn my friends
before it's too late.
255
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:01,868
LIBRARY PATRON:
Shh!
256
00:11:01,934 --> 00:11:03,200
Sorry.
257
00:11:06,434 --> 00:11:08,968
I haven't heard from Bev
in days.
258
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:11,467
I've got to figure out
what's going on back there.
259
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:14,634
TAMI:
Hi. You've reached Tami
and the Duckman family.
260
00:11:14,701 --> 00:11:16,100
Tami?!
261
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,100
(on machine):
Nobody can take your call
right now,
262
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,901
especially Beverly,
who's blind-stinking-drunk.
263
00:11:20,968 --> 00:11:24,501
So please leave a message,
and I, the new surrogate mother,
264
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,968
will get back to you
as soon as I finish
265
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:29,634
taking her place,
which is really soon.
266
00:11:29,701 --> 00:11:30,934
Wait for the moan.
267
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,701
(Beverly moaning)
(gasps)
268
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:36,667
Either this Tami is one of
Duckman's schizo personalities,
269
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:39,133
or there's some chick trying
to muscle in on my family!
270
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,567
I'm gonna fly right home
271
00:11:40,634 --> 00:11:43,067
and open up a fresh jar
of Miracle Whup!
272
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:50,167
I got a bad
feeling about this.
273
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:53,200
Now, you said yourself
that this looks like the spade
274
00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:55,868
of Dr. Stein's
gentle-yet-dim-witted gardener.
275
00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:57,801
We've got to give it back.
276
00:11:57,868 --> 00:11:59,400
What say we just chuck
the friggin' thing
277
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:01,601
and hightail it out of here
A.S.A.-Please?!
278
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,667
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, ooh!
279
00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:07,834
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
280
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:10,167
(jet engine roaring)
281
00:12:10,234 --> 00:12:10,968
Ohh!
282
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:12,734
Ohh!
Out of my way!
283
00:12:12,801 --> 00:12:15,567
Obnoxious public official
coming through!
284
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,868
When's the next plane
out of here?
285
00:12:17,934 --> 00:12:19,868
A crop duster
leaving from Gate 3.
286
00:12:19,934 --> 00:12:22,300
I'll take it.
287
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,300
BERNICE:
Whoo-hoo!
288
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:32,934
(brakes screeching)
289
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:39,601
(beep)
290
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,968
(people chattering
in background)
291
00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:53,234
MAN:
What's going on?
292
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,734
I can't believe
293
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,067
Aunt Beverly could do
something like this.
294
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,801
Well, when you think about it,
295
00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:02,234
what kind of person just
suddenly shows up one day
296
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:04,067
and moves right into your house?
297
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:06,601
Like you suddenly
showed up and...
298
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:08,767
Kids say the darndest things.
299
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:09,968
What I meant was,
300
00:13:10,033 --> 00:13:12,567
maybe your aunt
couldn't handle the strain
301
00:13:12,634 --> 00:13:14,934
of raising you,
so she just snapped.
302
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:20,300
Luckily, you have me now,
and I'll never, ever let you go.
303
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,834
Amen. But for now, let's keep
Bev's possible involvement
304
00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:26,367
on the Q.T. and
off the police blotter.
305
00:13:26,434 --> 00:13:27,834
I know you kids
may be scared
306
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:29,634
having a possible
murderer in the house,
307
00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:30,968
but if she's sick,
308
00:13:31,033 --> 00:13:32,901
we'll be the
ones who help her.
309
00:13:32,968 --> 00:13:35,567
We found
this housecoat button
310
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,267
clenched in
the victim's fingers.
311
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:38,300
She did it!
312
00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:39,567
Bev's the killer, right there!
313
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:41,734
CHARLES:
Please don't
hurt our aunt!
314
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,067
Boys, don't worry.
315
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:45,701
We'll handle this situation
with delicacy and restraint.
316
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:47,934
After all,
we're the LAPD.
317
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,701
Take her down.
318
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:52,734
(screaming)
(guns cocking)
319
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,634
(taser zapping)
(screaming)
320
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:01,300
(taser zapping)
(screaming)
321
00:14:02,868 --> 00:14:04,868
(screaming)
Okay, boys,
break's over.
322
00:14:04,934 --> 00:14:06,868
They're bringing her out.
323
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,200
(muffled protests)
324
00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:23,501
I don't believe it.
325
00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:25,767
Aunt Beverly--
a murderer?!
326
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:27,267
It can't be.
327
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,801
Oh, let's forget about her
328
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,901
and enjoy
our family time together.
329
00:14:30,968 --> 00:14:34,100
She knew nothing about
being part of a family.
330
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:35,334
So we'll just leave her
331
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,067
right out
of our family plans, right?
332
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:41,834
And if we all, as a family,
pretend she's not in the family,
333
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:44,367
then that becomes,
in and of itself,
334
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:47,534
a family thing
for a family to do.
335
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:49,000
Right, family?
336
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:53,000
Did you ever hear
a word so many times
337
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,467
that after a while,
it seemed to lose
all meaning?
338
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:56,868
Oh, sure...
339
00:14:56,934 --> 00:14:58,033
"No."
340
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,133
"Stop."
341
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,133
"Get out."
342
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,267
"How dare you."
343
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,834
"Excuse me, I'm Catholic."
344
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,234
"I'm a man."
345
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,834
Our perfect family
346
00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:09,400
is going to have
a perfect family evening
347
00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:11,467
even if it kills us.
348
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:16,501
And when the drugs
she gave me wore off,
349
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,767
I realized it was
Tami all along.
350
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:21,267
The drugs you gave me kicked in,
and I forgot again,
351
00:15:21,334 --> 00:15:23,601
but I remember now--
she's out to get my family.
352
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:24,934
We've got to stop her!
353
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,701
Beverly, the state doesn't
pay me according to
354
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:31,033
how much I care, or according
to how many patients I let out.
355
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,534
I'm paid by the hour.
356
00:15:33,601 --> 00:15:36,467
So, let's delve
into your childhood, huh?
357
00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:39,067
Okay.
358
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:43,734
Hyah!
359
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:49,868
(tires squealing)
360
00:15:56,701 --> 00:15:58,467
Private investigator.
361
00:15:58,534 --> 00:16:00,701
I need to commandeer
this vehicle.
362
00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:01,701
Okay.
363
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:06,000
Right foot, red...
364
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:09,901
I'm worried about
poor Aunt Beverly.
365
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:12,133
I'm not sure
turning her in
366
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,801
was the right
thing to do.
367
00:16:13,868 --> 00:16:17,234
The evidence against her
is flimsy at best.
368
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:18,968
You know, the least
you could do
369
00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:21,434
is try to enjoy the
perfect family activity
370
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:22,501
I've arranged
for us.
371
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:24,567
But all you want to
is talk about Beverly.
372
00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:27,000
Beverly, who slept all day
and neglected you
373
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:28,434
and got into a drunken stupor
374
00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:30,434
and split
a nosy gardener's head open...
375
00:16:30,501 --> 00:16:31,601
(gasps)
376
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,067
Look, Tami,
I-I got to level with you.
377
00:16:35,133 --> 00:16:36,567
Please don't take this
the wrong way,
378
00:16:36,634 --> 00:16:38,200
but you're really
creeping everyone out
379
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:39,434
with this family stuff.
380
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:41,834
Why? Whatever do you mean?
381
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,501
Well, you know.
382
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:45,033
No, I don't.
383
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,033
But you can tell me
anything.
384
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,334
We're family.
385
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,167
That's just it, Tami--
we're not family.
386
00:16:51,234 --> 00:16:53,467
Well, I mean, we are,
but you're not.
387
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,434
I don't know why it took me
so long to realize it,
388
00:16:55,501 --> 00:16:57,033
but Bev is our family.
389
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,567
At first I went along with this
390
00:16:58,634 --> 00:17:00,534
because I wanted to make
some hot monkey love with you.
391
00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:02,367
Then I did it
to please the boys.
392
00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:04,434
Then I got back
to the hot monkey love thing
393
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:05,601
and then I started doing it
394
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:08,667
because it felt good
to be part of a family.
395
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,968
Then there was still
the monkey love component.
396
00:17:11,033 --> 00:17:12,467
But now it's just too weird.
397
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:13,968
I think it's time
for you to move on.
398
00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:16,834
(screams)
399
00:17:16,901 --> 00:17:17,834
(grunts)
400
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,734
Uh...
401
00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:26,767
(nervous chuckle):
Problem?
402
00:17:34,501 --> 00:17:36,567
(screaming)
403
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,267
Everything was perfect,
404
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:43,834
but you didn't seem
to appreciate it.
405
00:17:43,901 --> 00:17:46,367
"Aunt Bev" this
and "Aunt Bev" that.
406
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:47,801
(panting)
407
00:17:52,434 --> 00:17:55,400
(screams)
408
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:00,968
(cries out)
409
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:06,067
(stabbing sounds)
410
00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:11,334
(splattering and buzzing)
411
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,634
(all sighing)
412
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:16,267
(yelling)
413
00:18:17,601 --> 00:18:19,133
You thought I was dead,
414
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,934
but you're the ones
who will die!
415
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,200
Just like that snoopy gardener
I killed
416
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:25,868
before I framed Beverly
for the murder.
417
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:27,334
Now it's your turn.
418
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,267
You're not a perfect family.
419
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:32,167
Uh, is there some kind
of fine we could pay?
420
00:18:32,234 --> 00:18:34,567
(cackling)
421
00:18:37,334 --> 00:18:38,968
I've got to save them.
422
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:44,133
I hope I'm not too late.
423
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,234
(screaming)
424
00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:48,534
(loud crash)
425
00:18:50,901 --> 00:18:52,667
Back off, bitch!
426
00:18:52,734 --> 00:18:54,968
You! You ruined...
427
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,234
everything!
428
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,567
Every time I find
the perfect family,
429
00:18:58,634 --> 00:19:01,534
they always disappoint me!
430
00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:03,400
Of course they do.
431
00:19:03,467 --> 00:19:06,434
Because there's no such thing
as a perfect family.
432
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:09,501
It's the imperfections
that make families interesting,
433
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:10,801
that make them human.
434
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:13,033
No! Liar!
435
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:15,601
You're a li-i-i-ar!
436
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:16,567
(electrical crackling)
437
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:20,100
(gasping and sputtering)
438
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:25,934
I am not
cleaning
this up.
439
00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:31,934
BEVERLY:
Good thingthat prison psychiatrist
440
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,167
left his pen on the desk.
441
00:19:33,234 --> 00:19:35,901
Let me guess-- you used the pen
to pick the locks.
442
00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:38,400
No. I used it to fill
out a requisition form
443
00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:39,934
for an extra
set of keys.
444
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
You're the most radical,
Aunt Bev.
445
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,434
We're sorry we
ever doubted you.
446
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:46,601
It looks like I left
our little family unit
447
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:47,868
in good hands.
448
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:49,434
Well, I do
my best.
449
00:19:49,501 --> 00:19:50,634
And now
it's time
450
00:19:50,701 --> 00:19:51,667
to soak my
aching bod
451
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:53,267
in a hot tub.
452
00:19:53,334 --> 00:19:56,968
Hey, Bev, I'm glad you're not
a drunk psycho killer, really.
453
00:19:59,934 --> 00:20:01,701
* Rub-a-dub-dub *
454
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,501
* Duckman's in the tub *
455
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:04,467
* Ah, hey-oh. *
456
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,033
Did you miss me?!
457
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,567
Hi, Tami.
458
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:16,033
I mean, dwaaaah!
459
00:20:19,901 --> 00:20:21,934
(melodramatic music playing)
460
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,667
(gurgling screams)
461
00:20:37,601 --> 00:20:39,033
(gasping)
462
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:41,501
Good thing we knew
that psychotic killers
463
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,834
always return
after their apparent deaths.
464
00:20:43,901 --> 00:20:44,901
Well-played!
465
00:20:44,968 --> 00:20:46,334
And, Bernice,
I'll never forget
466
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,434
how you came
through for me.
467
00:20:47,501 --> 00:20:49,234
Oh, and I'll never forget
how you brought
468
00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:52,567
(yelling):
A psycho-axe-killer bimbo
into my house!
469
00:20:52,634 --> 00:20:54,267
Why point
fingers of blame,
470
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:55,734
or in your case, talons?
471
00:20:55,801 --> 00:20:57,667
We learned
a valuable lesson here:
472
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,767
The best part
about being a family
473
00:20:59,834 --> 00:21:01,734
is finding people
you want to kill,
474
00:21:01,801 --> 00:21:03,734
then working together
to kill them.
475
00:21:03,801 --> 00:21:06,968
Come on, kids,
it's IHOP time.
476
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:28,934
* Thrust your feathers down *
477
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,334
* Thrust your pelvis, huh *
478
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,934
* Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh *
479
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,467
* Thrust your pelvis, huh *
480
00:21:37,534 --> 00:21:40,000
* Thrust your feathers down *
481
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:43,133
* Thrust your pelvis, huh *
482
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,334
* Thrust your pelvis, huh-huh *
483
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:50,133
* Thrust your pelvis, huh *
484
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,667
(laughter)
485
00:21:52,734 --> 00:21:56,467
(snoring)
486
00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:57,601
(loud gulp)
487
00:22:03,467 --> 00:22:05,400
BUS DRIVER:
Okay.
34056
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