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1
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,567
(quacks)
2
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:14,767
(rock music playing)
3
00:00:14,834 --> 00:00:16,267
(laughter)
4
00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:21,234
Dudes!
5
00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:23,067
Sorry I'm late,
but you got to turn this town
6
00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:25,400
upside down to find a good
Hungarian amateur bondage video.
7
00:00:25,467 --> 00:00:29,100
Let's par-tay!
8
00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:31,434
Say, bud, where's the blushing
groom-to-be?
9
00:00:31,501 --> 00:00:34,868
Where's good old, uh...
uh... Stevie?
10
00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:35,934
I'm Stevie.
11
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,267
Stevie-boy!
12
00:00:37,334 --> 00:00:39,834
Steverino! The Stevemeister!
13
00:00:39,901 --> 00:00:41,267
Long time no see,
14
00:00:41,334 --> 00:00:42,868
still can't believe you're gonna
go through with it, man.
15
00:00:42,934 --> 00:00:47,300
Why subsidize NASA when you can
get the Tang for free? Eh? Eh?
16
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:49,267
But since you're
about to be balled and chained
17
00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:50,534
till death do you part,
18
00:00:50,601 --> 00:00:51,968
promise me you won't hold back
anything tonight.
19
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,567
I know I won't.
20
00:00:53,634 --> 00:00:54,968
(laughs)
21
00:00:55,033 --> 00:00:56,300
Who the hell
are you?
22
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:58,634
Ah, quit your joshing,
Stevedore, it's us--
23
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:00,133
Greg and Skeeter.
24
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,501
What's up?
25
00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:03,067
Don't tell me you forgot
26
00:01:03,133 --> 00:01:05,567
that time we were partying
with, uh, uh...?
27
00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:07,901
You know, that guy...?
28
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,400
Frank?
29
00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:10,968
The Frankster! Yeah.
30
00:01:11,033 --> 00:01:13,567
You know, at that, uh,
you know... place?
31
00:01:13,634 --> 00:01:14,734
The Shore?
32
00:01:14,801 --> 00:01:15,901
The Shore!
33
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,801
Partying with Frankie
at the Shore.
34
00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:19,300
Man, was we faced!
35
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:22,567
But not as faced as we're going
to get tonight, right, chief?
36
00:01:22,634 --> 00:01:24,067
(chimpanzee grunts)
37
00:01:24,133 --> 00:01:26,267
(retching)
38
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:27,767
We're in luck.
39
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:28,934
He threw up on me.
40
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,367
In frat boy language,
that means we're in.
41
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:33,901
Duckman, sanitation
issues aside, don't
you feel guilty
42
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,534
trying to pass
yourself off
43
00:01:35,601 --> 00:01:37,133
as that young
man's friend
44
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,901
just so we can crash
his bachelor party?
45
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,334
Yeah. I'm so ashamed
46
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,133
I think I'll go cry
in my free beer!
47
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,467
(gulping)
48
00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:57,467
(screams)
49
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,300
Duckman?
50
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,634
Duckman?!
51
00:02:00,701 --> 00:02:01,968
This is serious.
52
00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:04,067
I have to get you
to a doctor immediately.
53
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:05,901
(hooting and cheering)
54
00:02:05,968 --> 00:02:09,067
Or I could just let you
lie there and leer at co-eds.
55
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:11,400
Ah...
56
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:13,501
MAN:
Mr. Duckman,
if the body is a temple
57
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,434
then you've committed
countless acts
58
00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:16,868
of desecration.
59
00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:19,300
I'll need a urine sample.
60
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:21,300
With pleasure.
61
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,100
Always glad to show off
my sharpshooting skills.
62
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,567
(zipper whizzing)
63
00:02:25,634 --> 00:02:27,200
(screaming)
64
00:02:28,467 --> 00:02:30,200
(screaming)
65
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:34,334
(screaming)
66
00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:39,100
No problem.
67
00:02:39,167 --> 00:02:40,701
How ironic that urination,
68
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:43,067
once such a source
of pleasure for you
69
00:02:43,133 --> 00:02:45,133
has now become
a cavalcade of pain.
70
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,434
Surely it isn't
that difficult.
71
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,067
Surely it is, sawbones.
72
00:02:49,133 --> 00:02:51,734
I just passed a stone
bigger than Bill Wyman.
73
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:56,801
Ouch. Hmm...
74
00:02:56,868 --> 00:03:01,100
I've never cut my finger
on a urine sample before.
75
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:03,901
Mr. Duckman,
it is my expert medical opinion
76
00:03:03,968 --> 00:03:05,734
that you need a new kidney.
77
00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:07,067
Oh, is that all?
78
00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:08,667
Hoo! As long as it's
an internal organ.
79
00:03:08,734 --> 00:03:10,634
Luckily, my dearest friend,
Cornfed
80
00:03:10,701 --> 00:03:12,501
will be only too happy
to donate his.
81
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,567
I'm sorry, but in order
for the transplant to work
82
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:18,167
the organ must come
from a blood relative.
83
00:03:18,234 --> 00:03:20,767
I knew there was a reason
I had children.
84
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:24,133
Okay, doc, name your poison--
Ajax, Charles, Mono...
85
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,834
Unfortunately, it appears
that Charles and Mambo
86
00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:31,801
share one kidney between them,
while Ajax was born without any.
87
00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:35,901
Though, intriguingly, he does
have three livers and an ovary.
88
00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:38,100
What are you trying
to tell me, doc?
89
00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:40,234
That you must find
another relative
90
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:41,934
who can donate a kidney.
91
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,901
Okay. I'll get it
from Dad.
92
00:03:43,968 --> 00:03:46,767
But your father's been dead
and buried for years.
93
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,834
Well, you're half right.
94
00:03:48,901 --> 00:03:51,634
Dad got caught up
in the cryogenics
craze of the '70s
95
00:03:51,701 --> 00:03:53,667
so after he kacked,
I had him frozen.
96
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,501
CORNFED:
Here?
97
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,167
It was all I
could afford
98
00:03:57,234 --> 00:03:59,167
after squandering
his life savings
on eight-tracks.
99
00:03:59,234 --> 00:04:00,834
Ah, Leo Sayer.
100
00:04:00,901 --> 00:04:04,267
You still make me
feel like dancing.
101
00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:09,367
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff!
102
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:11,934
At your service, and if
you're dying, Mr. Duckman
103
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,434
this is your lucky day.
104
00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:16,133
We have a special
on frozen heads-- a mere $29.95.
105
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,000
Plus, we'll throw in a pint
of our marble fudge swirl
106
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:20,501
as a way of saying
107
00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:23,534
"We know you have your choice
in head-freezing establishments
108
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,801
and we want to thank you
for choosing us."
109
00:04:25,868 --> 00:04:28,634
Spare me the snake oil, Legosi.
I'm here to claim my dad.
110
00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:31,934
I hope you remembered:
No tickee, no body.
111
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,234
One dadsicle
coming right up!
112
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,701
(gasps)
113
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:46,033
Dad, there you are
114
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:49,100
looking just like after
you'd read my report cards.
115
00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:51,868
I see you now, and I remember
the times we had
116
00:04:51,934 --> 00:04:53,701
the moments we shared--
117
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,934
tender words, a hug,
the touch of your hand on mine
118
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,767
and I know those moments
aren't really gone.
119
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:04,200
They'll live forever
in my mind and in my heart.
120
00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:06,534
So, can I get the stiff to go?
121
00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:10,534
(slurping)
122
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,901
Uh-oh.
123
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:17,100
"Uh-oh"? That's medicalese
for "S.O.L.!" What gives?
124
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,834
There's a problem
with the kidney.
125
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:19,934
(gasps)
126
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,100
What is it, doc?
127
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:22,901
Cancer? Cirrhosis? Freezer burn?
128
00:05:22,968 --> 00:05:24,734
Judging from the test results
129
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:27,467
it did not come
from your biological father.
130
00:05:27,534 --> 00:05:29,400
You mean, the
man who raised me
131
00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,234
wasn't my real father?
132
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,467
Then who was?
133
00:05:32,534 --> 00:05:33,968
I have no idea,
134
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,434
but if you can't get
his kidney, you will die.
135
00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:37,901
But that's impossible!
136
00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:39,300
How will I find him?!
137
00:05:39,367 --> 00:05:41,000
He may not even be alive!
138
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,801
Don't I have any
other options?
139
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:44,634
Just one.
140
00:05:44,701 --> 00:05:45,801
(bell ringing)
141
00:05:45,868 --> 00:05:46,968
Freeze your head.
142
00:05:47,033 --> 00:05:49,567
Get your head frozen,
right here!
143
00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:58,334
(crying)
144
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,667
So, you see, boys,
145
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,734
there's always
a chance
146
00:06:00,801 --> 00:06:02,367
your father could
find his father
147
00:06:02,434 --> 00:06:04,367
and persuade him to
donate his kidney.
148
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,400
But if not, at least you can
take comfort in the fact
149
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:09,400
that he'll be going to
a better, happier place.
150
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:11,067
DUCKMAN:
Well, soon, my body
will be ripped open,
151
00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:12,534
my chest hollowed out,
152
00:06:12,601 --> 00:06:14,267
my eyelids sewn shut,
I'll get buried in dirt
153
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:16,167
and worms will
devour my flesh.
154
00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:18,434
(crying)
155
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:19,767
What's with him?
156
00:06:19,834 --> 00:06:22,000
Okay. Stop your blubbering.
157
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:23,767
Here's the good news.
158
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,968
Behold-- your inheritance.
159
00:06:26,033 --> 00:06:29,033
It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
160
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:32,334
I could keep stuff in it.
161
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,167
Very touching, Ajax,
but it's what's inside the box.
162
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,667
Actually, you're all
a bit young to see, touch
163
00:06:37,734 --> 00:06:39,734
and/or be infected
by anything in here
164
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,901
but when you grow up and get
grown-up fetishes of your own
165
00:06:42,968 --> 00:06:44,868
maybe this stuff will
make you smile
166
00:06:44,934 --> 00:06:46,400
and think of your old man
167
00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:49,033
'cause even if I'm not here,
I'll always be with you.
168
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,834
Wherever a guy breaks into
Gillian Anderson's trailer
169
00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:54,267
to steal her dress shields,
I'll be there.
170
00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:56,334
Wherever there's a cop
beating up a guy
171
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,367
because he climbed
Carol Alt's trellis
172
00:06:58,434 --> 00:06:59,701
I'll be there.
173
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,367
Wherever a guy gets so horny
174
00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:02,501
that even the thought
of Al Gore's daughters
175
00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:05,634
lights up his yule log,
I'll be there.
176
00:07:05,701 --> 00:07:07,267
But I worry about you boys,
177
00:07:07,334 --> 00:07:09,901
'cause I know what it's like
to have your dad die. Twice.
178
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,534
Now, you don't know that yet.
179
00:07:11,601 --> 00:07:13,000
Your father may be alive.
180
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:14,901
Ah, Beverly--
sad, sweet, naive
181
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,033
apparently-
not-wearing-a-bra Beverly,
182
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,868
my father has to be dead
183
00:07:18,934 --> 00:07:21,067
or he would have tried
to contact me.
184
00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:23,367
I know it's painful
to consider, Duckman,
185
00:07:23,434 --> 00:07:24,601
but you have
to have hope.
186
00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:27,334
If only there were a way
to locate him.
187
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,734
There is.
On the Microsoft network.
188
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:31,934
Of course!
The Microsoft network!
189
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,367
"Harnessing the power
of the Internet
190
00:07:34,434 --> 00:07:35,868
to enrich our lives."
191
00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:38,200
How come you know so much
about the Microsoft network?
192
00:07:38,267 --> 00:07:40,167
Bill Gates
just moved
in next door.
193
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:47,968
Ooh, look at me!
194
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:49,934
I've got a riding mower!
195
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,467
I'm Mr. High Tech!
196
00:07:51,534 --> 00:07:52,868
Bih-bih-bih-bih!
197
00:07:53,934 --> 00:07:56,133
We've got something.
198
00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,767
We just logged on to
www.findlostdad.com
199
00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:02,100
and voila!
200
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:11,534
Key-ripes!
This is the
hand-punched
201
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,367
extra hole in
the Bible Belt.
202
00:08:13,434 --> 00:08:15,100
Looks like
this is the place.
203
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:18,701
DUCKMAN:
Wuh-ho! See?
I told you.
204
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:20,367
That's the kind of joint
205
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:22,701
a guy with my superior
genetic makeup ends up in.
206
00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:24,534
Uh, Duckman, that's not it.
207
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:26,033
That is.
208
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:30,200
(dog howling)
209
00:08:30,267 --> 00:08:33,267
Great. We're
in Dogpatch.
210
00:08:33,334 --> 00:08:36,234
It's not without a certain
unpretentious, rustic charm.
211
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:40,033
Probably made the cover
of Better Homes and Hovels.
212
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,334
It's funny, Corny.
213
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,601
I've been thinking
about this moment
214
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,801
since I first found out
my dad might be alive.
215
00:08:44,868 --> 00:08:46,734
I was pretty angry
about what he did.
216
00:08:46,801 --> 00:08:49,334
Still, now that I'm here,
217
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,734
I mean, well,
maybe he had his reasons.
218
00:08:50,801 --> 00:08:52,434
I bet if we'd
met earlier
219
00:08:52,501 --> 00:08:53,834
we... we would have
been friends
220
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:56,400
but now I'm sure
I won't have anything
221
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:57,801
in common with him.
222
00:08:57,868 --> 00:08:59,267
(gun cocking)
223
00:08:59,334 --> 00:09:03,067
(Southern accent):
What the hell
are you staring at?
224
00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,033
R-R... Red Crocker?
225
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,934
Oh, you'd like me
to tell you, wouldn't you?
226
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,868
Well, that'd just make it all
so easy for you, wouldn't it?
227
00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:15,400
Get inside afore
I splatter your innards
228
00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:17,234
all over my compost heap.
229
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:19,400
(both gulping)
230
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:23,968
(flies buzzing)
231
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:27,701
(both grunting)
232
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,868
Got to check you
for microphones.
233
00:09:34,868 --> 00:09:36,968
Why are you using
a dead otter?
234
00:09:37,033 --> 00:09:39,400
Just never you mind.
235
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:41,367
Well, you're clean.
236
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:42,868
Sit down.
237
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:44,567
Now, talk.
238
00:09:44,634 --> 00:09:46,167
Who sent you?
239
00:09:46,234 --> 00:09:48,234
N-N... No-No-Nobody.
240
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:52,100
You see, Mr. Crocker...
Red... Dad...
241
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,334
Hmm?
242
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,734
It's me-- Eric Duckman,
your long-lost son.
243
00:09:56,801 --> 00:09:58,400
Son?
244
00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:01,868
Heh, you Freemasons must believe
I'm soft in the head.
245
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,300
What do you
think I am
246
00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:05,667
some gullible,
namby-pamby John Bircher?
247
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,167
Well, I ain't!
248
00:10:07,234 --> 00:10:08,901
What I am is smart.
249
00:10:08,968 --> 00:10:10,567
I'm the onliest one
250
00:10:10,634 --> 00:10:13,033
who's caught onto
the Satanic conspiracy
251
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:16,734
of Jews/Christians/
Hindus/Muslim bankers
252
00:10:16,801 --> 00:10:18,868
who wants to take away
our assault weapons,
253
00:10:18,934 --> 00:10:20,300
fluoridate our toothpaste,
254
00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:22,534
deprive us
of our uninalienable rights
255
00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:24,100
and put us to work
256
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:28,300
as slave labor
on them trendy gazpacho farms.
257
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:29,634
Come on!
258
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:31,968
Only a stark raving,
drooling, idiot madman
259
00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:33,200
would believe that...
260
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:35,968
wasn't the pure, gospel truth.
261
00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:40,868
Ah, they're all in on it--
the U.N., the C.I.A, Kinko's.
262
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:42,968
That's why I formed
my own government.
263
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:45,100
The Crocker Republic.
264
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:46,767
Population: One.
265
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:49,334
Dad, I'm sorry to interrupt
your paranoid babbling
266
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,601
but I have a problem
I kind of need your help with.
267
00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:53,601
Now, get this straight, kid.
268
00:10:53,667 --> 00:10:56,100
I don't believe for one
blue-eyed, razor-cut minute
269
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:59,601
that I'm related to a
moldy-mouthed fleabag like you.
270
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:02,601
Okay, but let's say,
just for the sake of argument
271
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:05,834
that I was your son,
and I was going to die.
272
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:09,200
Do you think, maybe,
you would mind, maybe...
273
00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:12,033
letting me have your kidney?
274
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:16,000
Get me on a operating table
so's you can drill one of them
275
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:18,934
trilateral commission chips
into my brain? Ha!
276
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,634
Anyway, just so happens
I lost my spare
277
00:11:21,701 --> 00:11:25,100
in the Great Postal Service War
of 1993.
278
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:29,334
Now, I'm giving you ten seconds
to git.
279
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,834
Ten!
280
00:11:30,901 --> 00:11:33,601
(both screaming)
281
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,834
(car starting)
282
00:11:36,901 --> 00:11:38,801
(owl hooting)
283
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,534
CORNFED:
You almost finished?
284
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:43,934
You betcha,
Cornostomy.
285
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,133
I'm just shaking
the dew off the...
286
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,901
(yelling)
287
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,200
...lily.
288
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:52,133
I'm sorry this didn't work
out, Duckman.
289
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,467
I suggest we hurry home
290
00:11:53,534 --> 00:11:55,067
and get you on
the organ waiting list.
291
00:11:55,133 --> 00:11:56,367
You might have a chance
292
00:11:56,434 --> 00:11:58,701
if there are no detoxing
celebrities or sports stars
293
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,000
ahead of you.
294
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,467
I'm not going anywhere.
295
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:03,167
Am I crazy,
or did you just say
296
00:12:03,234 --> 00:12:05,234
you were staying,
meaning you're crazy?
297
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:08,133
I want to spend my
last days trying to
get to know my father.
298
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,067
Duckman, please don't take this
the wrong way
299
00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:11,868
but your father
is a bona fide,
300
00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,133
over-the-top, paranoid
schizophrenic lunatic
301
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,634
with delusions
of grandeur.
302
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,801
The truth is, Corny,
I see myself in him.
303
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:19,434
We both have
strong convictions.
304
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:20,934
We both speak our minds.
305
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,701
We're both willing
to forgo hygiene
306
00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:24,234
in pursuit of higher ideals.
307
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,367
What choice do I have,
old friend?
308
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:26,968
I must be with him.
309
00:12:27,033 --> 00:12:28,567
I just wish
there was something I could do
310
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:31,200
to find a way into his heart.
311
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:33,100
(honking horn)
312
00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:36,400
Dad, I got you a present.
313
00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:37,467
(growling)
314
00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:39,300
But the owner
of the all-night handgun
315
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:40,734
and assault weapons shop
316
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:42,734
made me promise you'd
only use it in self-defense,
317
00:12:42,801 --> 00:12:46,801
like, uh, against a really mean
rabbit, or something.
318
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,033
Sonny boy.
319
00:13:00,267 --> 00:13:03,567
(chomping and slurping)
320
00:13:03,634 --> 00:13:05,501
More squirrel, son?
321
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,334
No, thanks, Dad. I'm stuffed.
322
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:08,834
So was the squirrel.
323
00:13:08,901 --> 00:13:10,501
(both laughing)
324
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:11,834
God. Oh, yeah...
325
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:13,934
So, to get back
to your lesson...
326
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,734
the Sierra Club, also known
as the Bolshevik Party USA,
327
00:13:17,801 --> 00:13:23,234
talks about saving owls
but what they really mean is...
328
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:26,567
Confiscating assault rifles?
329
00:13:26,634 --> 00:13:30,667
Planned parenthood talks
about giving away condoms
330
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,300
but what they really mean is...
331
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:35,734
Manipulating the weather
to control corn futures?
332
00:13:35,801 --> 00:13:37,167
Hold on there.
333
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,200
You're picking up
on the subtleties
334
00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,968
of the Crockerland geopolitics
a tad too fast.
335
00:13:42,033 --> 00:13:45,033
You sure you ain't just
a-parrotin' things back at me
336
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,634
to win my trust?
337
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,367
Dad, while I may not agree
338
00:13:48,434 --> 00:13:50,467
with every detail
of your philosophy--
339
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:52,400
for instance,
I'm still a bit hazy
340
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,100
on why the Dutch are poisoning
our pools with chlorine--
341
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,901
I certainly share your healthy
contempt for a society
342
00:13:56,968 --> 00:13:59,634
that prizes rational discussion
about common problems
343
00:13:59,701 --> 00:14:03,033
over incoherent ranting
about imaginary evils!
344
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,801
You're a good boy, boy.
345
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:09,067
Dad, why did you leave Mom?
346
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:12,067
Well, it ain't easy
for me to talk about.
347
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:13,901
I guess it all started
348
00:14:13,968 --> 00:14:17,033
the day I realized
our government was a sham...
349
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:20,400
and the more
I looked into things
350
00:14:20,467 --> 00:14:24,067
the more I realized this country
had gotten too corrupt to save
351
00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,234
and I better start
one of my own
352
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,467
even if I had to ignore
all my responsibilities
353
00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:32,868
as a citizen and a husband
and a father to do it.
354
00:14:32,934 --> 00:14:35,934
Wow. You're an old-fashioned
salt of the earth idealist!
355
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,501
Just like I used to be.
356
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,667
Dad, we've missed
so much time together
357
00:14:39,734 --> 00:14:40,934
and I...
I don't have a lot left.
358
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,734
Do you think I could... stay?
359
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,434
You really want to?
360
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,767
Oh, you got to be willing
361
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:49,968
to give up the trappings
of so-called civilization,
362
00:14:50,033 --> 00:14:52,567
memorize the sacred covenant,
363
00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:55,000
kill and skin farm animals.
364
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,167
I'd do all that.
365
00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:57,501
I've done some of it.
366
00:14:57,567 --> 00:14:58,501
Of course, some of them
367
00:14:58,567 --> 00:15:00,968
were more pets
than farm animals.
368
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,667
(chomping and slurping)
369
00:15:38,501 --> 00:15:39,601
Dad?
370
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:40,767
Are you okay?
371
00:15:40,834 --> 00:15:42,400
Yeah.
372
00:15:42,467 --> 00:15:44,200
Listen, Duckman...
373
00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:46,601
I don't need a lot to live on--
374
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,000
a few hundred gallons
of lentil soup,
375
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:50,667
a missile launcher,
376
00:15:50,734 --> 00:15:52,801
some pamphlets with pictures
377
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,434
of third world types
in a bull's-eye--
378
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:58,300
but there's one thing
I've been missing...
379
00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:00,534
someone to
pass it on to
380
00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:02,200
so that when I die
381
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,767
this little island
of hatred and ignorance
382
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:06,601
won't disappear forever
383
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:08,667
and if you wasn't
gonna die first
384
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,334
I'd give it to you.
385
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,133
(blubbering)
386
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:18,334
(both blubbering)
387
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,467
Dad... now that
we're together
388
00:16:20,534 --> 00:16:23,767
I know that nothing could
possibly, ever go wr...
389
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:26,234
(over speaker):
This is Lieutenant Colonel
Cornfed Pig
390
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:27,334
of the national guard.
391
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,634
(helicopter hovering)
392
00:16:28,701 --> 00:16:30,601
That's what I get for letting
him have weekends off.
393
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:33,467
Throw down your weapons
and come out with your hands up.
394
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,667
Or, alternatively, come out,
then throw down your weapons.
395
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:39,300
Conversely, you might throw them
down as you're coming out.
396
00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:41,200
As an interesting variation,
you could...
397
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:42,534
All right!
398
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:45,400
No wonder these sieges
last so long.
399
00:16:45,467 --> 00:16:47,300
Red Crocker,
you are under arrest
400
00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:49,267
for illegal possession
of firearms,
401
00:16:49,334 --> 00:16:50,801
holding Duckman hostage
402
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:53,267
and burning your own flesh
without a license.
403
00:16:53,334 --> 00:16:55,300
I'm not being held hostage!
404
00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:57,267
I'm staying here... with my dad!
405
00:16:57,334 --> 00:16:59,567
That's my boy.
406
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:06,000
This is Congresswoman Bernice,
407
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,868
newly-appointed member of
the Select Subcommittee
408
00:17:08,934 --> 00:17:10,667
for Giving Pushy Freshmen
Something To Do
409
00:17:10,734 --> 00:17:12,234
That Gets Them Out
of Washington
410
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:14,767
here to remind you
that the constitution dictates
411
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:18,067
we treat these heavily-armed,
pathological criminals
412
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,901
with dignity and respect.
413
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:22,100
Duckman's in there.
414
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,968
Open fire!
415
00:17:24,033 --> 00:17:26,000
Dad, we're
outnumbered,
outgunned...
416
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,367
though just barely.
417
00:17:27,434 --> 00:17:28,701
I'm going to die
418
00:17:28,767 --> 00:17:30,501
but there's no
reason for you to.
419
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,033
Don't worry, son.
420
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:34,767
There's no problem
a little mortar fire can't cure.
421
00:17:34,834 --> 00:17:37,467
We're so alike--
I have that on
a sampler--
422
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,801
but in this case
423
00:17:38,868 --> 00:17:41,000
I think we should
give ourselves up.
424
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,534
Bernice!
425
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,067
Beverly!
426
00:17:50,133 --> 00:17:51,968
Duckman's in there
with his father.
427
00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:54,667
Perhaps he'd come out if he was
asked to by his loved ones.
428
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:57,834
Unfortunately, there's no one
here but his family.
429
00:17:57,901 --> 00:18:00,567
MAMBO:
Dad...
430
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:02,400
please come out!
431
00:18:02,467 --> 00:18:04,834
Tell him you love him.
432
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:06,367
Dad, uh...
433
00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:08,901
our active distaste for you
434
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:12,200
is sometimes
mitigated by pity.
435
00:18:12,267 --> 00:18:13,901
May I say something?
436
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,467
Certainly, Ajax.
437
00:18:15,534 --> 00:18:18,834
Dad, where did you leave
the toilet paper?
438
00:18:18,901 --> 00:18:21,434
In the roller thing
next to the toilet!
439
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:22,767
Thanks, Gad.
440
00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:25,000
Duckman, if you won't listen
to your family
441
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:27,434
perhaps you'll listen
to the godfather of soul,
442
00:18:27,501 --> 00:18:29,567
the hardest-working man
in show business,
443
00:18:29,634 --> 00:18:31,067
soul brother number one.
444
00:18:31,133 --> 00:18:33,300
"Please, Please," "Jump
On the Good Foot" himself--
445
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:34,467
James Brown.
446
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:37,167
* Good God! *
447
00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:39,000
* Duckman! Unh! *
448
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,667
* Give yourself up! *
449
00:18:40,734 --> 00:18:41,667
* Duckman! *
450
00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:43,167
* Unh! *
451
00:18:43,234 --> 00:18:45,000
* Give yourself up, man! *
452
00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:46,501
* Duckman! Unh! *
453
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:48,534
* Give yourself up! *
454
00:18:48,601 --> 00:18:50,667
* Duckman! Unh! *
455
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:52,801
* Give yourself up! Hey! *
456
00:18:52,868 --> 00:18:54,767
* Duckman! Hah! *
457
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,601
He makes a strong case,
but I don't know.
458
00:18:57,667 --> 00:18:59,033
Dad... what are you doing?
459
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,567
Look, kid, I like you
460
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:03,334
but after careful assessment
of our situation
461
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,434
I've rethought our position.
462
00:19:04,501 --> 00:19:06,400
Our eggs is fried.
463
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:07,834
You're running out on
me, arent you?
464
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:09,634
Just like you did
before I was born!
465
00:19:09,701 --> 00:19:12,300
Duckman, do I look like somebody
who could have a family?
466
00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:14,200
I met your mother.
She got pregnant.
467
00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:16,100
I couldn't handle it.
End of story.
468
00:19:16,167 --> 00:19:17,601
No! Not end of story.
469
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:19,267
I may not have long to live
470
00:19:19,334 --> 00:19:21,300
but I'm not letting you
desert me twice!
471
00:19:21,367 --> 00:19:23,234
You think you're so brave
standing up to dangers
472
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,133
that don't exist,
but anything comes along
473
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,534
you got to make a real sacrifice
for, like a family,
474
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:28,667
and you're out of there!
475
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,234
Okay, maybe we're alike
in some ways.
476
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,200
Maybe we're both angry,
maybe we're both misfits,
477
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:33,567
but you're wacko!
478
00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:35,567
I wanted to get to know you,
to understand you,
479
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,067
to figure out where I came from
480
00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:39,701
but now I do know you,
I wish I'd never met you.
481
00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:42,868
You're not an idealist,
you're just a coward.
482
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,601
We're going in!
483
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:48,567
Wait. I think it's Duckman.
484
00:19:50,934 --> 00:19:52,200
He's got a hankie!
485
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:53,501
Fire!
486
00:20:09,701 --> 00:20:12,067
Duckman, where's
your father?
487
00:20:12,133 --> 00:20:13,934
He left. Again.
488
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:22,367
(doorbell rings)
489
00:20:22,434 --> 00:20:25,067
Package for
a Mr. Duckman.
490
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:29,167
RED:
Dear son
491
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:32,567
here's a present to make upfor the birthdays I missed.
492
00:20:32,634 --> 00:20:35,434
May you have many, many more.
493
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:36,534
(gasps)
494
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:38,334
A kidney!
495
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,767
Turns outI had a spare all along.
496
00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:44,400
Took it outwith my swiss army knife.
497
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:45,968
Had to do it myself
498
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,367
because all them doctorsis Maoists.
499
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:49,834
(sniffling):
He's got a point.
500
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:52,234
Oh, I'm too old to change, son,
501
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:55,100
but I'm gladI got to know you a little.
502
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:58,067
Maybe we'll see each otheragain someday.
503
00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:01,501
Maybe, Dad. Maybe.
504
00:21:13,501 --> 00:21:15,567
(engine starts)
505
00:21:15,634 --> 00:21:18,467
You're a good boy, boy.
506
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,400
(truck drives away)
507
00:21:28,701 --> 00:21:30,501
* Ow! Duckman! *
508
00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:32,000
* Hey! *
509
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:33,501
* You gave yourself up! *
510
00:21:33,567 --> 00:21:35,000
* Duckman! Hey! *
511
00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:36,501
* You gave yourself up! *
512
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:37,701
* I like it *
513
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:38,901
* Duckman! Huh! *
514
00:21:38,968 --> 00:21:41,300
* Gave yourself up!
You're real! *
515
00:21:41,367 --> 00:21:42,501
* Duckman! Huh! *
516
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:44,901
* Gave yourself up! *
517
00:21:44,968 --> 00:21:46,100
* Duckman! *
518
00:21:46,167 --> 00:21:47,300
* Hey! *
519
00:21:47,367 --> 00:21:48,501
* You gave yourself up! *
520
00:21:48,567 --> 00:21:50,901
* Duckman! Hey! *
521
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:53,300
* You gave yourself up!
I like it *
522
00:21:53,367 --> 00:21:55,701
* Duckman! Huh!
You gave yourself up! *
523
00:21:55,767 --> 00:21:58,133
* You're real! Duckman! *
524
00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,300
* Hah! *
525
00:22:05,267 --> 00:22:07,601
(flies buzzing)
37289
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