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1
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:11,067
(whistles)
2
00:00:38,834 --> 00:00:40,300
(horns honking)
3
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:41,834
DUCKMAN:
Yo, slopmeistress,
4
00:00:41,868 --> 00:00:44,133
you call this untreated sewage
"breakfast"?
5
00:00:44,167 --> 00:00:45,367
No, you bloated sack
6
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,667
of partially defatted
meat by-products!
7
00:00:47,701 --> 00:00:49,033
I call it "dinner"!
8
00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:50,868
You were asleep all day!
9
00:00:50,901 --> 00:00:52,968
It just so happens
I had to spend last night
10
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,567
in a filthy, airless crawl space
11
00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:56,667
at Quickie Bob's Motel
poking a camera through a hole
12
00:00:56,701 --> 00:00:59,100
in case a certain nymphomaniac
chose that night
13
00:00:59,133 --> 00:01:00,501
to violate her wedding vows.
14
00:01:00,534 --> 00:01:01,801
You think that's easy?
15
00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:04,434
I took my life in my hands...
among other things.
16
00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:06,901
You mean you actually found a
client stupid enough to pay you?
17
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,200
It's always about money,
isn't it?
18
00:01:09,234 --> 00:01:11,467
A guy's not allowed
to have a hobby.
19
00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:13,701
Couldn't we have
this idiotic conversation
20
00:01:13,734 --> 00:01:15,968
some other time--
say, at your cremation?
21
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,634
We have to get Grandma-ma
ready for her birthday photo.
22
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:20,567
How old is the birthday girl
this year?
23
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:23,200
Maybe we should cut her in half
and count the rings.
24
00:01:23,234 --> 00:01:26,934
(Duckman laughs wildly)
25
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:31,868
(laughter becomes distant)
26
00:01:31,901 --> 00:01:33,767
GRANDMA-MA:
Trigorin.
27
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,934
Bernice, did Mama ever talk
to you about her life?
28
00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:39,267
Her life?!
29
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,934
Well, you know,
I didn't grow up with her,
30
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,868
so I don't know anything
about what she was like
31
00:01:42,901 --> 00:01:44,567
before we were born.
32
00:01:44,601 --> 00:01:45,734
Actually, neither do I.
33
00:01:45,767 --> 00:01:46,934
I know she was born in Russia,
34
00:01:46,968 --> 00:01:48,767
but she was never very clear
about dates.
35
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:50,033
She didn't talk much about it.
36
00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:52,067
I got the feeling
it was too painful.
37
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:53,667
Oh, I wish I could find out.
38
00:01:53,701 --> 00:01:55,167
I wonder all sorts of things.
39
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,701
Was she beautiful?
Was she rich? Was she happy?
40
00:01:57,734 --> 00:01:59,033
Where was her home?
41
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,000
GRANDMA-MA:
My home was in Russia
42
00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:03,968
where I was the eldest daughter
43
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,701
of the wealthiest landownerin all of Shplinsk.
44
00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:09,200
There were those who would say
45
00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:12,701
I was not unpleasantto look at.
46
00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:15,267
On the first day of each month,
47
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,634
Father would send meto the village to collect rent
48
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:18,934
from the serfs.
49
00:02:20,267 --> 00:02:22,634
My dear Sophia
Longnamovitch,
50
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:24,701
the high incidence
of superstition,
51
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,234
illiteracy and sarcasm
in our village
52
00:02:27,267 --> 00:02:29,000
has caused sales to plummet
53
00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:30,901
at our humble
Bookski Nookski.
54
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:32,400
Therefore, dear Sophia,
55
00:02:32,434 --> 00:02:35,234
we cannot pay you
that which we owe.
56
00:02:35,267 --> 00:02:38,167
Fear not, Morris and
Sergei Morrisergeivich.
57
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,300
I will tell my father
that bandits
58
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:43,234
stole your rent money
from me on the way home.
59
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:45,200
Bless you, Sophia!
60
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,067
Fluffavich!
61
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,567
Uranuskya!
62
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:51,901
How are you
this fine Russian morning?
63
00:02:51,934 --> 00:02:54,067
Not so good, Miss Sophia.
64
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,200
We have no money
for you today
65
00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:58,901
as we have given it all
to the Siberia Club
66
00:02:58,934 --> 00:03:00,434
which is dedicated
to saving
67
00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:03,200
the Arctic ice floes
from exploitation
68
00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:06,534
by the international
Ice Cube Cartel.
69
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:08,334
As always, a worthy cause,
70
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,834
friends Fluffavich
and Uranuskya.
71
00:03:10,868 --> 00:03:13,701
I will tell my father
that a giant silver egret
72
00:03:13,734 --> 00:03:15,834
flew off with your rent money.
73
00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:18,801
BOTH:
Bless you,
Miss Sophia.
74
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:20,734
MAN:
Must always look...
75
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:21,901
Petrov.
76
00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:24,334
For is always many
volves, volves...
77
00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:27,601
GRANDMA-MA:
Whenever I was withinten meters of Petrov,
78
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:30,133
my face would grow hotand flushed,
79
00:03:30,167 --> 00:03:34,200
my throat became a desertand my body parts would throb
80
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:37,801
in a savage,pulsating Cossack rhythm.
81
00:03:37,834 --> 00:03:41,234
Sophia.
How delightful to see you.
82
00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:43,033
I am tutoring
the local peasants
83
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:46,701
so that we may all speak
fluent English in act two.
84
00:03:46,734 --> 00:03:48,701
Oh, friend Petrov,
85
00:03:48,734 --> 00:03:51,534
you are the kindest,
noblest army officer
86
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,100
in all of Russia.
87
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,634
Why not finish the sentence?
88
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,868
Petrov is the
noblest in Russia,
89
00:03:56,901 --> 00:03:59,234
while I, Trigorin, am
but a lowly stable boy
90
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,100
living in a rat-
infested hovel
91
00:04:01,133 --> 00:04:04,400
among the foul-tasting dung
of the horses of noblemen.
92
00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:06,067
Petrov is handsome and brave,
93
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,634
while I, Trigorin, take not
my pleasure from living women
94
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,868
but am forced to satisfy
my manful urges
95
00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:13,133
in the company
of goats and chickens.
96
00:04:13,167 --> 00:04:15,534
Yes! Have your fun, my friends.
97
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,334
Laugh and make merry
upon I, Trigorin,
98
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:20,000
the lonely, impoverished,
99
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:22,767
despised, smelly
and perverted stable boy.
100
00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:26,934
Problem with the rent
again, Trigorin?
101
00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:28,267
Interesting fact:
102
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:30,167
my money was stolen
not five minutes ago
103
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,434
by a bunch of bandits
and a giant silver egret.
104
00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:36,200
I'd be happy to
work out a trade.
105
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:39,067
Oh, thank you,
but I don't need any dung.
106
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,667
We're at war. We're at war.
107
00:04:41,701 --> 00:04:44,100
War is a terrible
thing, young Ajaxski,
108
00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:47,934
but when it comes, all good
men must take up arms.
109
00:04:47,968 --> 00:04:51,767
I, Petrov, vow to fight
these unnamed bastards--
110
00:04:51,801 --> 00:04:53,200
whoever they may be--
111
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:56,834
with every drop of blood
that flows in my veins.
112
00:04:56,868 --> 00:04:58,667
And I, Trigorin,
vow to stay here
113
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,667
to protect your
wives and daughters
114
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,901
while you are being
slaughtered like dogs
115
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:04,501
on the frozen battlefields.
116
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:06,300
Oh. I am forgotting.
117
00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:08,467
Is a letter for you, Trigorin.
118
00:05:08,501 --> 00:05:09,734
You're drafted.
119
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,734
(shrieks):
Dwa...!
120
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:12,300
...ski.
121
00:05:12,334 --> 00:05:14,300
I am about to have
my head cut off by Huns.
122
00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:17,267
What does the army care if my
prostate's the size of a pirogi?
123
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,667
They don't.
124
00:05:18,701 --> 00:05:20,534
That's just something
I enjoy doing
125
00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:23,033
in a nonsexual sort of way.
126
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:24,267
Now, to determine
127
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,167
whether you're
medically fit to serve,
128
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,000
please answer the
following questions:
129
00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:30,067
Have you ever
had dry mouth?
Yes.
130
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,234
Dry cough?
Yes.
131
00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:32,400
Dry heaves?
Yes.
132
00:05:32,434 --> 00:05:33,734
Pyorrhea?
Yes.
133
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,033
Diarrhea?
Yes.
134
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,567
Irritated bowels?
Yes.
135
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,534
Vaginitis?
Had or given?
136
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,367
Had.
Ah. Yes.
137
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:41,968
Congratulations.
138
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,901
You're in the
Imperial Army now.
139
00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:45,067
(loud bang)
140
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:47,667
(dramatic music plays)
141
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:50,968
(explosion)
142
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:52,334
(thundering hoofbeats)
143
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:53,734
(horse neighing)
144
00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:55,601
(swords being drawn)
145
00:05:55,634 --> 00:05:57,067
(distant scream)
146
00:05:57,100 --> 00:06:00,601
(cocktail music playing,
slurping on straw)
147
00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:02,567
(neighing)
148
00:06:02,601 --> 00:06:04,801
(dramatic music plays)
149
00:06:09,634 --> 00:06:12,634
(guttural scream)
150
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:15,367
(cocktail music playing)
151
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,767
(dramatic music plays)
152
00:06:17,801 --> 00:06:20,734
(men shouting, swords clashing)
153
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,968
(explosions)
154
00:06:28,701 --> 00:06:31,334
Whoa! I'd like to ride
that serf!
155
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,167
"I enjoy long walks
on the tundra,
156
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,133
"icy bubble baths
and strong men
157
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:37,601
who know how to treat
a slightly overweight woman."
158
00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:39,834
Whoa! Yeah, baby!
159
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:41,567
(explosion)
160
00:06:43,033 --> 00:06:44,667
(birds chirping)
161
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,167
(cattle moos)
162
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,334
(chickens cluck)
163
00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:49,968
(whistling)
164
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:50,934
(cowbell rings)
165
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,334
Grease up
the riding crop, honey!
166
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:55,667
It's your stable man!
167
00:06:55,701 --> 00:06:57,234
Trigorin, great to see you.
168
00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:59,567
Have you any
news of Petrov?
169
00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:00,734
Basically, he's dead.
170
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,434
They haven't made
a positive ID.
171
00:07:02,467 --> 00:07:04,567
They're still going
through dental records,
172
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:07,334
hangnails, body parts,
but it doesn't look good.
173
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:10,234
(crying)
174
00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:11,734
Oh, there, there.
175
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:13,167
There, there.
176
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,167
Ah, Sophia, would you mind
crying just a little harder
177
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,234
and maybe a little
to the left?
178
00:07:18,267 --> 00:07:19,300
Oh, yes!
179
00:07:19,334 --> 00:07:20,467
Yeah, baby!
180
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:21,467
Oh-ho, yes!
181
00:07:21,501 --> 00:07:23,567
Cry for me, baby!
Cry for me!
182
00:07:23,601 --> 00:07:25,267
(crying)
183
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:35,601
(thunder crashing)
184
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:39,067
Petrov! Petrov!
185
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,200
No, Petrov is the dead one.
186
00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:43,734
I am Trigorin,
the one with a pulse!
187
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:44,834
Petrov dead!
188
00:07:44,868 --> 00:07:46,534
Trigorin alive!
189
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:49,934
Why do you have so much trouble
grasping this simple concept?
190
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:54,100
GRANDMA-MA:
And then, one night,something happened.
191
00:07:54,133 --> 00:07:56,000
Something so strangeand terrible
192
00:07:56,033 --> 00:07:59,868
that it could have come out ofa melodramatic Russian novel!
193
00:07:59,901 --> 00:08:01,534
TRIGORIN:
Fire! Fire!
194
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:02,868
Wake up! Wake up!
195
00:08:02,901 --> 00:08:04,734
Cossacks have set fire
to the house,
196
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,400
but I have saved your family,
including, as of now, you,
197
00:08:07,434 --> 00:08:09,834
and, may I point out
that it is I, Trigorin,
198
00:08:09,868 --> 00:08:12,701
not the dead Petrov who
is saving you, because it is...
199
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:14,133
Can we go?!
200
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:16,033
Yeah. I was
pretty much done.
201
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:17,834
(flames crackling, cattle moos)
202
00:08:17,868 --> 00:08:19,934
Okay. So. Everyone
safe and accounted for?
203
00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:21,133
Beautiful!
204
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,033
Now, just so we're all
on the same page,
205
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,133
let's recap
what happened tonight:
206
00:08:25,167 --> 00:08:28,367
Your home
is now totally... what?
207
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:29,868
Destroyed.
208
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:32,567
Good. And your family's
money is...?
209
00:08:32,601 --> 00:08:33,267
Gone!
210
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,367
Excellent.
211
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,434
Meaning that
from this day forward,
212
00:08:36,467 --> 00:08:38,167
you will have no choice
213
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,334
but to come
with Trigorin to...?
214
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:41,200
America?
215
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:42,467
Because I...
216
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:43,300
Trigorin...
217
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:44,300
not the dead...
218
00:08:44,334 --> 00:08:45,000
Petrov...
219
00:08:45,033 --> 00:08:46,501
saved your family's...
220
00:08:46,534 --> 00:08:47,501
...lives.
221
00:08:47,534 --> 00:08:49,334
I accept your spontaneous
222
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:53,000
expression of gratitude
with humility and smugness.
223
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:57,100
(cattle mooing)
224
00:09:00,234 --> 00:09:01,200
(horns honking)
225
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:04,667
Russia? Was that
all Mama said?
226
00:09:04,701 --> 00:09:06,167
There were some
other things
227
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,334
but it was
so long ago.
228
00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:08,934
She didn't talk
much about Dad.
229
00:09:08,968 --> 00:09:10,300
I think he saved
her life somehow,
230
00:09:10,334 --> 00:09:11,534
and that's when
they emigrated.
231
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,434
He saved her life,
but did she say anything
232
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,767
about falling
in love with him?
233
00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:16,300
No, but she
married him.
234
00:09:16,334 --> 00:09:17,801
She came to
America with him.
235
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,334
She must
have loved him.
236
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:22,300
GRANDMA- MA"
So greatly did I missmy dear Petrov
237
00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:24,634
that I thoughtmy very soul would shatter.
238
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,767
But I had pledged myselfto Trigorin
239
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:29,968
and I vowedto make myself love him.
240
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,300
Hey, mama!
241
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:33,868
Dig those full, ripe,
childbearing hips.
242
00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:36,200
We finally arrivedin New York City,
243
00:09:36,234 --> 00:09:38,400
but it was far differentthan I had imagined,
244
00:09:38,434 --> 00:09:41,067
and the air--I had never inhaled
245
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:44,701
such a foul mixture of horsedroppings and human filth!
246
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:47,434
Wow! Smells just like home.
247
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,901
After walking the streetsfor hours,
248
00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:52,234
Trigorin finally found usa place to live.
249
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,400
Magnificent!
250
00:09:58,434 --> 00:09:59,567
What a palace!
251
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:01,734
And it's practically
dung-free!
252
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,834
Okay, I'm bushed.
Let's hit the floor.
253
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:05,200
We'll have to do this in shifts.
254
00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:07,067
Who wants the fire escape?
255
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,868
(snoring)
256
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,534
(Trigorin whispering):
So, uh, wifey,
257
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:14,534
what say we celebrate
coming to America?
258
00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:16,834
While I am more
or less willing
259
00:10:16,868 --> 00:10:19,534
to discharge my
matrimonial duties,
260
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:22,434
perhaps now is not
the perfect moment.
261
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,567
What, are you kidding?
What better time?
262
00:10:24,601 --> 00:10:26,801
SOPHIA:
Uh, perhaps when my
brothers and sisters
263
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,801
and mother and father
are not asleep
264
00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:29,934
on either side of us.
265
00:10:29,968 --> 00:10:31,701
Honey, we have
been here 18 hours.
266
00:10:31,734 --> 00:10:34,100
It's time you dropped
your old-world morals
267
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,434
into the euro-trash can.
268
00:10:35,467 --> 00:10:37,167
Just snuggle up close.
269
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,767
Good. What is that?
270
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:40,534
Oh, it's your dad's leg.
271
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:41,701
(chuckles)
272
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:43,534
(whispering):
Excuse me, Fyodor.
273
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:45,701
Hello! No, no,
it is not morning yet.
274
00:10:45,734 --> 00:10:48,300
Would you mind
rolling over just a pinch?
275
00:10:48,334 --> 00:10:51,567
Your daughter and I are going
to play hide the blintz.
276
00:10:51,601 --> 00:10:53,334
Thanks. You're a dear.
277
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:54,801
(rooster crowing)
278
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:56,868
SOPHIA:
Trigorin? Trigorin!
279
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,801
I am grateful
for the kindness
280
00:10:58,834 --> 00:11:00,334
you have shown
my family--
281
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:01,400
saving our lives,
282
00:11:01,434 --> 00:11:03,200
bringing us
to this new land,
283
00:11:03,234 --> 00:11:04,801
yet, as I lay
on the floor
284
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:06,868
last night with
each of my limbs
285
00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:09,467
touching either another
person or a wall,
286
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:12,601
I found my optimism about
America growing dimmer.
287
00:11:12,634 --> 00:11:14,400
(gasps):
Sophela, I am shocked.
288
00:11:14,434 --> 00:11:17,734
USA is number one, my girl,
289
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,267
and until they get enough
evidence to deport me,
290
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,901
I'm going to believe
that right here in America
291
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:25,267
even the most ridiculous dream
of the most ridiculous loser
292
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:27,367
is absolutely
guaranteed to come true.
293
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,300
Void where prohibited.
Your mileage may vary.
294
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:31,300
Past performance no guarantee
of future return.
295
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:33,701
Not affiliated with the America
School of Broadcasting.
296
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:34,701
Member FDIC.
297
00:11:34,734 --> 00:11:35,701
Oh, Trigorin,
298
00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:37,501
you are such a
cockeyed idealist!
299
00:11:37,534 --> 00:11:39,467
So, what is your American dream?
300
00:11:39,501 --> 00:11:43,100
I'll bet you have one somewhere
inside your secret place.
301
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:44,734
You found my secret place?
302
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,167
Your heart.
303
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,367
Ah. Yeah, yeah.
304
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,234
Well, ever since I was
a young stable toddler,
305
00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:53,400
I dreamt of one day
opening my own business...
306
00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:55,367
(all giggling)
307
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:06,067
But as these Americans say,
it takes money to makes money,
308
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,634
and I still can't find
those damn money trees!
309
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:11,334
As an alternative,
perhaps we could work.
310
00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:12,234
Work?!
311
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:13,534
Perhaps since we hope
312
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,367
for our lives here
to be sweet,
313
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,033
we could open
a candy store.
314
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,434
Candy store?
315
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:19,968
You mean a place
where two consenting adults,
316
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,934
one of whom
wears very little clothing,
317
00:12:21,968 --> 00:12:24,200
performs, for a nominal
handling charge, any sex act
318
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:26,200
except a kiss full on the lips?
319
00:12:26,234 --> 00:12:28,901
No. I mean a store
that sells candy.
320
00:12:28,934 --> 00:12:30,234
Oh, okay.
321
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,767
That could work, too.
322
00:12:31,801 --> 00:12:33,734
(crowd cheering)
323
00:12:39,234 --> 00:12:40,601
I can't believe it.
324
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,133
We really did it!
325
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:43,300
Um... yes.
326
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:45,067
"We" did it in the sense of me
327
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,701
spending the last five years
cleaning fish
328
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,801
while you entertained yourself
with shadow puppets.
329
00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:51,934
TRIGORIN:
Look, a dog!
330
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:52,934
Arf!
331
00:12:52,968 --> 00:12:53,934
(chuckles)
332
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:54,934
Oh, got to go.
333
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:56,267
What?!
334
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:57,601
Yeah. Wish I could stick around,
335
00:12:57,634 --> 00:12:59,767
but I've got lots
of important stuff to do.
336
00:12:59,801 --> 00:13:01,133
Don't worry.
I'll be back at 6:00,
337
00:13:01,167 --> 00:13:03,534
7:00, tops,
9:00, the very latest,
338
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:07,367
but definitely no later
than ten...ish, Moscow time.
339
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,367
Trigorin, wait!
I need you!
340
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,334
(whispering):
If only you did, Sophia.
341
00:13:17,667 --> 00:13:19,067
(Trigorin mumbling incoherently)
342
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:22,968
Who is it?
343
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,400
Who goes there?
344
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:25,901
(mumbling)
345
00:13:25,934 --> 00:13:28,901
Trigorin, you've been
in the rum balls again!
346
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:30,067
(belches)
347
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,801
Come. Let's go to bed.
348
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:37,300
Bet you'd rather be saying
that to your beloved Petrov!
349
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:40,334
Oh, is that the cause
of your erratic behavior?
350
00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:43,267
It is true, Petrov once meant
something to me,
351
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,934
but I am your wife now
352
00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:47,901
and it is to you
to whom I am devoted to.
353
00:13:47,934 --> 00:13:50,501
It is to you who I honor
and respect,
354
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:53,501
and-- if you look at it
a certain way-- love.
355
00:13:53,534 --> 00:13:54,868
Love?
356
00:13:56,901 --> 00:14:00,868
GRANDMA-MA:
From that day forward,Trigorin was a changed man.
357
00:14:00,901 --> 00:14:03,567
Soon we wentfrom selling penny candies
358
00:14:03,601 --> 00:14:07,334
to serving two-dollar steaksand three-dollar martinis.
359
00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:14,901
Is this country great or what?
360
00:14:14,934 --> 00:14:18,868
We've got money, friends, money,
success, money, money and money.
361
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,567
I told you everything was going
to work out in the New World.
362
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:22,834
And money!
363
00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,167
I tell you, Soph, looking back
at my humble beginnings
364
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,567
as a lonely, impoverished,
despised, smelly
365
00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:29,801
and perverted stable boy,
I would never have believed
366
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:31,968
this moment could come--
a moment when I am completely
367
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,033
fulfilled, utterly happy,
when I feel like nothing
368
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:38,067
could possibly ever,
ever, ever go wrong...
369
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,400
(bell tinkles)
370
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,767
Why do I give them these setups?
371
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:52,534
No...!
372
00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:58,868
No...!
373
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:00,434
But where are my manners?
374
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,834
Petrov, old friend,
let me look at you.
375
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,234
Hmm... something different
about you.
376
00:15:05,267 --> 00:15:06,234
Well, I...
377
00:15:06,267 --> 00:15:07,534
No, don't tell me.
I can guess.
378
00:15:07,567 --> 00:15:08,834
Let's see...
379
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:09,834
put on weight?
380
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:10,868
Wearing contacts?
381
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:12,200
Trimmed your
nasal hairs?
382
00:15:12,234 --> 00:15:13,434
Had your skin
bleached?
383
00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:15,200
I lost a leg in the war.
384
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:17,033
You shaved
your beard!
385
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,067
Petrov,
we-we thought you were...
386
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:20,534
Taller?
387
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:21,534
Dead.
388
00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:23,734
Oh. Natural mistake.
389
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:26,567
Oh, Petrov, how I've missed...
390
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:27,801
(clears throat)
391
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:32,534
That is, I suspect
that certain individuals
392
00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,033
were concerned
393
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:37,367
about your well-being
during your prolonged absence.
394
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,400
Certain individuals,
having traveled aimlessly
395
00:15:40,434 --> 00:15:42,801
around the world
for many lost years,
396
00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:45,801
may take comfort
in those cryptic sentiments.
397
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,834
So, Petrov, bubee,
thanks for dropping by.
398
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:49,267
Really. Give us a call
when you land on your feet.
399
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,601
Or should I say "foot"?
400
00:15:50,634 --> 00:15:52,267
Bye-bye.
401
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:53,868
(bell tinkles)
402
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:55,634
Petrov, wait!
403
00:15:56,901 --> 00:15:58,767
Trigorin, we have
plenty of room.
404
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,334
Couldn't Petrov
stay with us?
405
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:01,767
With us?
You know how I like
406
00:16:01,801 --> 00:16:03,400
to parade around the house
in my underwear.
407
00:16:03,434 --> 00:16:04,701
That is, if I wore any.
408
00:16:04,734 --> 00:16:07,067
Kind Sophia,
I will not accept charity.
409
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,367
If I stay here,
I must earn my keep.
410
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,767
Thanks, but we already
have a doorstop.
411
00:16:11,801 --> 00:16:14,400
He could bus tables,
wash dirty dishes.
412
00:16:14,434 --> 00:16:15,801
Couldn't you, Petrov?
413
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:18,467
With one foot
tied behind my back.
414
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,601
(Petrov and Sophia laugh)
415
00:16:20,634 --> 00:16:21,934
All right,
old friend.
416
00:16:21,968 --> 00:16:23,834
If it's demeaning work
you want,
417
00:16:23,868 --> 00:16:25,734
demeaning work
you shall have.
418
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:28,434
You can start by licking
these ashtrays clean.
419
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:31,767
GRANDMA-MA:
Many tense weeks passed.
420
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:33,234
Perhaps it was foolish
421
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:35,901
to hope that a manas insecure as Trigorin
422
00:16:35,934 --> 00:16:38,434
would allow Petrovback into my life,
423
00:16:38,467 --> 00:16:41,167
but sometimes hopeis all a woman has.
424
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,834
You and Trigorin,
you must be... happy.
425
00:16:44,868 --> 00:16:47,367
Yes, we must.
426
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,067
Petrov, please understand.
427
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,701
When I saw you again,
after so many years,
428
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:54,834
I harbored thoughts
unworthy of a married woman.
429
00:16:54,868 --> 00:16:57,334
You will always be important
to me,
430
00:16:57,367 --> 00:17:01,667
but it is to my husband to whom
I must be forever true to.
431
00:17:03,767 --> 00:17:06,534
Why don't you
just lick his nipples already?!
432
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:07,400
Trigorin!
433
00:17:07,434 --> 00:17:09,000
I can't take it anymore,
and I won't!
434
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:11,267
Tell me, Petrov,
when you lie with my wife,
435
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:12,534
do you laugh at me?
436
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:13,634
Did you tell her
what a cowardly,
437
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:15,200
sniveling, nancy boy I am?
438
00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:17,300
How I spent the war
hidden in a foxhole
439
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:18,567
reading girlie magazines?
440
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:20,300
How I set fire
to her father's house
441
00:17:20,334 --> 00:17:21,934
and staged her rescue
442
00:17:21,968 --> 00:17:24,067
just so she'd be
forever indebted to me?!
443
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:29,834
Okay, I'm going to take that
as a "no."
444
00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:34,400
Feeling a lot
of tension right now.
445
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:35,501
How could you?!
446
00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:37,534
How could you do
such a thing?!
447
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,734
Because I loved you,
because I wanted you,
448
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:44,000
and-and... I don't know,
fire kind of turns me on.
449
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:45,801
Wait! Wait!
I remember something.
450
00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:47,567
Yes, it's all coming back
to me.
451
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:49,601
I was there
the night of the fire.
452
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:52,901
I had come home
to find my beloved Sophia.
453
00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:54,000
Don't worry, Sophia!
454
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:55,300
I'll save you
455
00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:57,133
and your family
and your possessions.
456
00:17:57,167 --> 00:18:00,834
Unless, of course, this fire
is for insurance purposes.
457
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:03,000
(grunts)
458
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:07,133
Must free self...
to save Sophia.
459
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:09,167
(maniacal
chuckling)
460
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,901
Is someone there?
461
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:12,868
Please
help me!
462
00:18:14,701 --> 00:18:16,033
The fire! The accident!
463
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:18,100
I must have blocked it
all out
464
00:18:18,133 --> 00:18:20,801
because I believed
you loved Trigorin.
465
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,467
You!
You have ruined my life!
466
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,767
You have cost me my leg.
467
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,968
And my favorite one, too!
468
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,434
Yeah, but, come on,
469
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:30,334
think of the money
you saved on shoelaces.
470
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:33,868
Most unforgivably, you have
betrayed the woman I love.
471
00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:36,968
I, Petrov, challenge you
to a duel to the death.
472
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,234
Well, since you're
a leg short, I accept.
473
00:18:39,267 --> 00:18:40,234
Pick the place.
474
00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:42,167
It must be somewhere isolated.
475
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,000
Devoid of human society.
476
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:46,834
Lakehurst, New Jersey.
477
00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:48,167
Jersey? Great!
478
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,501
How am I supposed
to get to Jersey?
479
00:18:50,534 --> 00:18:52,901
West Side Highway
to George Washington.
480
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:55,167
You'd like me to get caught
in that traffic, wouldn't you?
481
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,033
I'm takingthe Pulaski Skyway.
482
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:59,400
PETROV:
You could grab the ferryto Staten Island,
483
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:01,834
take the Outerbridge Crossingand be there in an hour.
484
00:19:01,868 --> 00:19:04,968
You're right,and I'd save on tolls!
485
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,367
Petrov, you were the finest
marksman in all of Shplinsk.
486
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,701
This is not a duel.
487
00:19:14,734 --> 00:19:15,868
It is murder.
488
00:19:15,901 --> 00:19:18,868
No, my love, it is honor.
489
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:22,367
Whatever he has done,
he has done for me.
490
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,033
Please, please, don't kill him.
491
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,501
He has made his own fate.
492
00:19:32,901 --> 00:19:35,801
BOTH:
One... two...
493
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:38,901
three... four... five...
494
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,767
(yammers)
495
00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:50,567
(gasps)
496
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:06,601
(loud explosion)
497
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,067
STEINSKI:
Well, Mrs. Trigorin,
498
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,834
you appear to be what we
board-certified obstetricians
499
00:20:20,868 --> 00:20:23,033
refer to as "pregnant."
500
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:25,701
Trigorin's baby.
501
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:26,701
Babies.
502
00:20:26,734 --> 00:20:28,267
Three to be exact.
503
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:32,400
What we medical professionals
often refer to as "triplets."
504
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:35,767
GRANDMA-MA:
Trigorin and Petrov were gone.
505
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,067
And yetfrom that senseless tragedy
506
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:42,434
came such beauty...my babies.
507
00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:47,934
BOTH:
Happy birthday, Mama.
508
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:50,767
I just wish...
I wish I could have known her.
509
00:20:50,801 --> 00:20:52,400
And you.
510
00:20:52,434 --> 00:20:54,133
We have time, Beverly.
511
00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:55,868
You're home now.
512
00:20:55,901 --> 00:20:58,734
Yeah,
we're all home.
513
00:20:58,767 --> 00:21:00,267
GRANDMA-MA:
My home was in Russia
514
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,567
where I was the eldest daughter
515
00:21:02,601 --> 00:21:06,300
of the wealthiest landownerin all of Shplinsk.
516
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:07,634
There were those who would say
517
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:10,801
I was not unpleasantto look at.
518
00:22:03,868 --> 00:22:06,734
TRIGORIN:
Why don't you justlick his nipples already?!
37470
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