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1
00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:17,534
Please, Mr. Desmond.
2
00:00:17,567 --> 00:00:19,367
My baseball team's
the only thing
3
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,167
that's ever meant
anything to me.
4
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,501
I'll find some way
to pay back your loan.
5
00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:24,801
All I need is time.
6
00:00:24,834 --> 00:00:26,467
As your evil banker,
7
00:00:26,501 --> 00:00:29,734
it delights me to inform you
that you have no time.
8
00:00:29,767 --> 00:00:31,267
Your medical records...
9
00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:33,033
I took them off
the Internet.
10
00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:35,400
(screams)
11
00:00:35,434 --> 00:00:37,434
I've only got eight minutes
to live?!
12
00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:40,267
Oh, sorry, my laser printer's
been acting up again.
13
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,534
That should be a three.
14
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:42,534
(gasps)
15
00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:43,868
Since you'll be dead
16
00:00:43,901 --> 00:00:45,634
and therefore unable
to pay off your loan,
17
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:48,400
in 30 short days,
I, Simon Desmond,
18
00:00:48,434 --> 00:00:51,400
will foreclose on your team,
knock down your stadium
19
00:00:51,434 --> 00:00:54,300
and thus begin construction
of Desmond Acres,
20
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:57,701
a lovely gated community
for senior citizens
21
00:00:57,734 --> 00:00:59,634
loosely based
on Andersonville.
22
00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:02,534
Three minutes to leavemy Triple-A ball club
23
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:05,167
to someone who truly caresabout the sport.
24
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,334
But who?
25
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,267
(gulping and belching)
26
00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:12,901
Ah, base-a-ball.
27
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:14,901
The single greatest sport
of all time.
28
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:16,801
Next to bullfighting
and roller ball, that is.
29
00:01:16,834 --> 00:01:18,234
Or at least it used to be.
30
00:01:18,267 --> 00:01:19,868
Now it's ruined, bastardized,
31
00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:21,200
son of a bitch-a-rized!
32
00:01:21,234 --> 00:01:22,801
And you know who's to blame?!
33
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:23,834
The fat-cat owners!
34
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:25,601
It's not about the game anymore!
35
00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:27,934
It's all about the money
and the merchandising.
36
00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:30,601
Baseball is really about the sun
on your back
37
00:01:30,634 --> 00:01:32,634
and the feel of the ball
hitting your glove,
38
00:01:32,667 --> 00:01:34,133
and the smell of the grass,
39
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:36,234
and the laughter
and cheering of children.
40
00:01:37,734 --> 00:01:39,234
(grunting)
41
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:43,400
You're a real
baseball fan.
42
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:45,701
Just the kind of guy
I'm looking for.
43
00:01:45,734 --> 00:01:46,868
(gasping):
Quick!
44
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,167
Give me a pen.
45
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,501
Felt tip or roller point?
46
00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:50,567
Doesn't matter!
47
00:01:50,601 --> 00:01:51,501
Blue or black ink?
48
00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:53,501
Dying... oh!
49
00:01:56,167 --> 00:01:58,067
(gasping)
50
00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:01,901
Hmm.
51
00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:04,634
"I, Gene Vuuck,
hereby will to you
52
00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:06,868
"my lifetime subscription
of Groin Pull Monthly,
53
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,300
"a hat made out of cheese,
54
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:11,300
and my Triple-A baseball team
the Dixie Cups."
55
00:02:11,334 --> 00:02:12,634
I... I don't believe it.
56
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,000
It's too good to be true!
57
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,567
I've inherited the one thing
58
00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:19,567
that every red-blooded
American male dreams about!
59
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,734
Oh, and a baseball team, too.
60
00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:31,300
(growling)
61
00:02:37,834 --> 00:02:40,300
Room for one more?
62
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:41,567
Excuse me. Sorry.
63
00:02:41,601 --> 00:02:42,834
Excuse me, excuse me,
sorry, excuse me.
64
00:02:43,934 --> 00:02:47,334
Congratulations
on your bequest, sir.
65
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,734
My card.
66
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:55,367
Pity the team isn't
a more lucrative venture.
67
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,400
In fact,
you're losing money
68
00:02:57,434 --> 00:03:00,300
faster than a Tom Arnold
kissing booth.
69
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:01,934
This is baseball, Flauntleroy!
70
00:03:01,968 --> 00:03:03,834
Who gives a rat's rump
about money?
71
00:03:03,868 --> 00:03:05,968
Gosh, I only wish
more people
72
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,067
could use
rodent anatomy metaphors
73
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,534
to such witty effect,
74
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:12,801
but since there are
no posteriors in the seats,
75
00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:14,901
I'd postulate these contests
76
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:18,767
will only be enjoyed
posthumously by posterity, hah!
77
00:03:18,801 --> 00:03:21,767
Perhaps if we instituted a
series of promotional nights
78
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:23,400
attendance
would increa...
79
00:03:23,434 --> 00:03:24,901
Promotional
nights?
80
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,567
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
81
00:03:26,601 --> 00:03:28,000
Well, sure it is!
82
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:30,934
We could give away snakes and
M-80s and nail guns to the kids.
83
00:03:32,701 --> 00:03:35,934
Wait! Did you say
promotional night?
84
00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:37,868
That's a marvelous idea.
85
00:03:37,901 --> 00:03:39,601
You'd best get started
right away.
86
00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:40,901
Careful, Duckman.
87
00:03:40,934 --> 00:03:43,000
Given your history of wildly
inappropriate schemes
88
00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:44,467
and type A
personality traits,
89
00:03:44,501 --> 00:03:46,133
you could be heading
for disaster.
90
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,667
Spare me the setup,
Cornopolis.
91
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:49,100
This is one team owner
92
00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:52,367
with nothing but good,
solid, sensible ideas.
93
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,634
WOMAN:
Oh, my God!
94
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,634
(glass breaking, screaming)
95
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:58,467
A pleasant good evening,
sports fans.
96
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:01,534
Chick Hearn here, inexplicably
announcing Triple-A baseball,
97
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:02,934
for heaven's sakes.
98
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:04,400
Before we begin
tonight's matchup,
99
00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:07,567
let's chat with the Dixie Cups'
flamboyant new owner,
100
00:04:07,601 --> 00:04:09,567
and I'm speaking
about Duckman.
101
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:10,801
How you doing, Vin?
102
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,367
Great. Thanks for asking.
103
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,667
Duckman, one of the ways
you've tried to increase
104
00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:16,534
Dixie Cups' attendance
has been with a series
105
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,000
of promotional nights.
106
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:19,767
First there was
Weasels on the Field Night.
107
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,000
(snarls)
108
00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:23,567
(players screaming)
109
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,501
And thenFree Cinder Blocks Night.
110
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:26,834
(yelling)
111
00:04:26,868 --> 00:04:28,501
Dixie Cups rule.
112
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,267
Dixie Cups rock.
113
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,634
Please don't crush my head
with your free cinder block.
114
00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,300
By the way, where
did you get all
those cinder blocks?
115
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:37,701
Uh...
116
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:45,667
Rosalind, someone stole
our cinder blocks.
117
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:47,100
Mm, nowhere.
118
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:48,234
Who will ever forget
119
00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:49,968
Louisiana Mud-Bog Hell Night?
120
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,267
(grunts)
121
00:04:54,767 --> 00:04:57,100
Yeah, that was one of my faves,
too, scooter.
122
00:04:57,133 --> 00:04:58,901
But I've saved
the best for last.
123
00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:01,534
For in addition
to Glass Shard Visor Night,
124
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:04,801
tonight's also
Blow Up the Field Night!
125
00:05:04,834 --> 00:05:08,467
CROWD:
Five, four, three, two...
126
00:05:08,501 --> 00:05:09,634
one!
127
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,968
(loud explosion)
128
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,467
(sirens wailing)
129
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:14,734
Thanks for coming.
130
00:05:14,767 --> 00:05:15,934
Come see us again.
131
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:17,367
Tell all your friends.
132
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,367
(groaning)
133
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,467
Bad news, Duckman.
134
00:05:20,501 --> 00:05:23,367
Due to the brutality
of your promotions,
135
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,133
the entire team just
walked off the job.
136
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:28,000
Sissies! Pee Wee Reese
could have been blown up
137
00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:30,367
a hundred times a season and
he'd still come back for more.
138
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,667
Don't worry, Corno,
I'll have a new, improved team
139
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:34,367
faster than you can say
something short.
140
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:37,901
(hydraulic whirring)
141
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,133
Damn Honduran androids!
142
00:05:41,167 --> 00:05:42,767
Next time I buy American.
143
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,400
Duckman, I've just
crunched the numbers.
144
00:05:44,434 --> 00:05:46,934
After factoring in the cost
of promotions, salaries,
145
00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:50,400
emergency exploratory
surgery for the players
and animal cruelty fines,
146
00:05:50,434 --> 00:05:52,667
we've lost an average
of $14,000 a week.
147
00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:55,067
At this rate, we'll
be out of business in...
148
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:56,067
Two hours!
149
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,467
What is it with these fans!
150
00:05:57,501 --> 00:05:58,901
I've given them
everything they want!
151
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:00,133
Except for baseball.
152
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:02,133
Duckman, you seem to be
getting further away
153
00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:04,534
from the simple purity and
heartfelt innocence of the game.
154
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,934
No use talking anymore, 'cause
I've already stopped listening.
155
00:06:06,968 --> 00:06:08,234
I have a brilliant idea!
156
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:09,400
Give me that.
157
00:06:09,434 --> 00:06:11,701
All I have to do
is give baseball fans
158
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:14,534
actual baseball players
who can actually play something
159
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,801
that resembles actual baseball.
160
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,234
Simplify, simplify, simplify!
161
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:20,167
Thoreau?
162
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,033
And hit and catch
and run, too.
163
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:24,934
Corny, this is
the new Dixie Cups roster.
164
00:06:26,934 --> 00:06:28,133
Oh...
165
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,334
my...
166
00:06:29,367 --> 00:06:30,801
God.
167
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,934
Ah, splendid!
168
00:06:44,968 --> 00:06:47,367
You must be the world-famous
supermodels.
169
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,434
Veronitia, Scylla, Dina,
170
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,934
Cloche, Taang, Tantalea,
171
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:53,667
Simonia, Fabiolara,
172
00:06:53,701 --> 00:06:55,767
and is it... Suson?
173
00:06:55,801 --> 00:06:57,200
It's Susan.
174
00:06:57,234 --> 00:07:00,234
Whatever. Ladies,
welcome to Dixie Cups Park.
175
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:01,701
Bless you all for coming.
176
00:07:01,734 --> 00:07:03,300
I'm the illustrious Duckman,
177
00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:05,234
owner/operator
of the Dixie Cups.
178
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:07,234
Hi. Now where's the child?
179
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,300
Child?
Oh, uh...
180
00:07:09,334 --> 00:07:12,200
We got a call from the guy at
the Grant-A-Wish Foundation.
181
00:07:12,234 --> 00:07:14,133
He said there was
a terminally ill child
182
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,734
whose last wish was
to see us play baseball.
183
00:07:16,767 --> 00:07:20,133
There's nothing we wouldn't do
for sick children.
184
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:22,234
(chuckles):
Well... funny story.
185
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:23,767
That was a lie.
186
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:24,801
(all complaining)
187
00:07:24,834 --> 00:07:25,834
Loser!
188
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:28,133
Ah, the old fake
dying kid line.
189
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:29,567
I knew it.
190
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:32,634
First, James Caan,
now this guy.
191
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,467
No, wait!
192
00:07:35,834 --> 00:07:38,000
Remember, there's two things
that every kid loves:
193
00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:39,667
baseball and high fashion.
194
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:42,100
And kids are always getting one
terminal disease or another.
195
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:43,667
So it's practically a sure thing
196
00:07:43,701 --> 00:07:46,133
that some kid someday's
going to have a dying wish
197
00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:48,367
to see nine gorgeous supermodels
play a little baseball.
198
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,200
And when that time comes,
what if you're busy,
199
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:51,434
or stuck in traffic?
200
00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:53,300
The little tyke could croak
before you get there.
201
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:55,267
But if you play now,
I'll videotape you,
202
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,200
and that way, you don't have
to schlep back here.
203
00:07:57,234 --> 00:08:00,033
You see? See how completely
reasonable and logical it is?
204
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:03,033
DINA:
I don't know about this guy.
205
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:04,133
Me neither,
206
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,367
but playing baseball
207
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,934
would give us
the perfect opportunity
208
00:08:06,968 --> 00:08:08,534
to re-invent ourselves.
209
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,367
People always
dismiss supermodels
210
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,033
as just
savvy businesswomen.
211
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:15,000
They forget that we have
bodies, too.
212
00:08:15,033 --> 00:08:17,300
This could be our chance
to prove it.
213
00:08:17,334 --> 00:08:20,901
Mr. Duckman,
let's play ball.
214
00:08:22,434 --> 00:08:24,334
Hi, everybody.
Chick Hearn here,
215
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:27,367
and this is the first game
for the Cups' new line-up:
216
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,133
nine world-famous supermodels,
217
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,534
none of whom have ever
played ball before.
218
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,734
What could Duckman
have been thinking?
219
00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:36,200
(crowd cheering)
220
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:38,801
Okay. I know
what he was thinking.
221
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,834
Uh, playmates...
222
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:47,300
uh, Playboys...
223
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:48,501
play, uh...
224
00:08:48,534 --> 00:08:51,133
go do whatever you want,
you savage cuties.
225
00:08:52,634 --> 00:08:53,934
Hi.
226
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,100
Good luck.
227
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,467
(makes kissing sound)
228
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:02,901
CROWD:
Aahh!
229
00:09:04,234 --> 00:09:06,300
CROWD:
Oohh!
230
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:07,934
St-rike one!
231
00:09:07,968 --> 00:09:10,767
Strike two, strike three,
strike four, strike five...!
232
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:12,801
Face it, guy,
you'll never hit it.
233
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,000
You're out!
234
00:09:14,033 --> 00:09:16,968
(crowd cheering)
235
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:26,200
(scattered cheering)
236
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:38,534
(crowd roaring)
237
00:09:46,968 --> 00:09:49,334
(chanting)
238
00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:52,501
I don't know where
Duckman could be, ladies.
239
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:54,501
I apologize.
240
00:09:54,534 --> 00:09:56,067
DUCKMAN:
Yay-lo!
241
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:57,400
Duckman, where are you?
242
00:09:57,434 --> 00:09:58,701
Up in the owner's box. Why?
243
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,167
Practice was scheduled
for 9:00.
244
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,567
It's almost 10:30.
245
00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:04,834
Cornucopia!
246
00:10:04,868 --> 00:10:06,601
You're losing sight
of the big picture.
247
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:08,133
Tickets are selling
like hotcakes: in stacks!
248
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,601
Now I have to license
merchandise,
249
00:10:09,634 --> 00:10:10,868
arrange cross-promotions,
250
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:12,133
meet with the people
doing the CD-ROM,
251
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:14,100
and most important,
audition call girls
252
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,634
for the new Dixie Cups
VIP club.
253
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:16,801
I'm trying to run
a baseball team.
254
00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:18,634
Don't bother me
with baseball problems.
255
00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:19,934
You're Joe Jock.
256
00:10:19,968 --> 00:10:21,901
You lead the practice.
257
00:10:21,934 --> 00:10:23,367
He, uh...
258
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,567
is very busy.
259
00:10:25,601 --> 00:10:27,300
("Macarena" playing)
260
00:10:27,334 --> 00:10:29,033
DINA:
Doesn't Duckman care
261
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:31,133
if we improve
our baseball skills?
262
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:33,033
You're not supposed
to win games
263
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,367
just because
you're attractive or sexy,
264
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,701
or curvaceous,
or... Brobdingnagian!
265
00:10:38,734 --> 00:10:41,367
You're supposed to win
because you're good!
266
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,033
We'll never be good.
267
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:46,133
Come on, it's back
to the runway for us.
268
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:48,200
Hey, wait--
don't talk like that.
269
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:49,601
Remember, you're
not just models.
270
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:50,934
You're supermodels.
271
00:10:50,968 --> 00:10:53,400
That means you can do anything
you put your minds to.
272
00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:55,000
Do you really think so?
273
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,868
Absolutely.
Here, I'll show you.
274
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,667
Let's start
with the fundamentals.
275
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:29,267
(whir of machinery)
276
00:11:44,934 --> 00:11:47,834
(crowd cheering)
277
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:09,701
For tonight's big game,
278
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:11,334
I took the liberty of hiring
a third-base coach.
279
00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:13,701
Duckman,
meet baseball connoisseur
280
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,167
and conservative pundit,
George Will.
281
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,968
Go ahead, George,
show him your stuff.
282
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,767
(crowd cheering)
283
00:12:22,801 --> 00:12:24,667
I got some Japanese investors
up in the box.
284
00:12:24,701 --> 00:12:26,133
I'm trying to set up
a tour for the girls.
285
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:27,868
Have 'em play
some of the local kimonos.
286
00:12:27,901 --> 00:12:30,200
Pure show biz, of
course, but mucho yen!
287
00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:31,868
Don't you want to say
a few words to the players
288
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:33,067
before the game?
289
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,467
Uh, whatever.
290
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:37,567
Gals, if you could just
bring it in here a second.
291
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:39,033
Form a semicircle,
or a pentagram,
292
00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:40,400
or whatever it is
you people do.
293
00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:42,167
I want you to know that
it really doesn't matter
294
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,567
if you win or lose...
295
00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,033
Oh, wait, of course,
it matters.
296
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:46,601
If you win, I stand
to make a fortune,
297
00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:48,100
and that's what this
game's all about.
298
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:51,634
So, go out and win,
you spunky little firebrands.
299
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:53,033
Make daddy rich!
300
00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:57,901
Hello, ladies.
301
00:12:57,934 --> 00:12:59,467
Hi. Who are you?
302
00:12:59,501 --> 00:13:01,534
You might say
I'm a fortune-teller
303
00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:03,801
and my prediction
for tonight's game
304
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,167
is that you will... lose.
305
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,667
You're crazy, mister.
306
00:13:07,701 --> 00:13:09,934
We're the Dixie Cups.
We're winners.
307
00:13:09,968 --> 00:13:11,534
Oh, that would be
a shame.
308
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:14,601
It could be hazardous
to the health... of these.
309
00:13:14,634 --> 00:13:16,734
(mewing and purring)
MODELS:
Ohh!
310
00:13:16,767 --> 00:13:18,000
Kitties!
311
00:13:18,033 --> 00:13:19,334
You wouldn't dare!
312
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:21,701
Oh, wouldn't I, would I?
313
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:25,000
I simply can't afford
to let you win.
314
00:13:25,033 --> 00:13:28,834
Throw the game,
or the pussycats get it!
315
00:13:28,868 --> 00:13:30,133
(cocks gun)
316
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,601
Hello, fans, I'm Chick Hearn
317
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:48,167
and this has got to be a day
318
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,501
Wineburg fans
thought they'd never see.
319
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:52,100
The Cups are just one game
320
00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:55,100
away from the pennant,
and that game is today
321
00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:56,868
against
the Victorville Tomahawks.
322
00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:58,934
Hey, look who's here--
the man himself.
323
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,601
So, DM, got any predictions?
324
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:03,267
Well, Bob, you can never predict
how a game'll go
325
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,100
and we've worked too hard
for too long to get cocky,
326
00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:07,667
but I got to say,
my girls are ready
327
00:14:07,701 --> 00:14:09,567
to focus on fundamentals,
do what it takes
328
00:14:09,601 --> 00:14:11,334
and give 100%, and we have to
329
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:12,934
because the Tomahawks
came to play,
330
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:16,100
but we are as ready
as we'll ever be.
331
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:17,400
Well said.
332
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:19,000
What do you have planned
for the off-season?
333
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,501
There is no off-season.
334
00:14:20,534 --> 00:14:22,200
That's right, folks,
even during the winter,
335
00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:23,601
when there are no games here,
336
00:14:23,634 --> 00:14:25,367
you'll still be able
to pay admission, come in,
337
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,567
buy some Dixie dogs
for the wife,
338
00:14:26,601 --> 00:14:28,300
or a tall, frosty beer
for the kids--
339
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,067
maybe even make it
a Dixie Cups Christmas.
340
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:31,300
Now, if you'll excuse me,
341
00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:32,634
I've got just enough time
before the game
342
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,367
to Ty my Cobb,
if you know what I mean.
343
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,968
Actually, I don't,
but that's okay.
344
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,067
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
345
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,701
your Dixie Cups.
346
00:14:42,734 --> 00:14:45,267
(organ fanfare)
347
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,868
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
348
00:14:46,901 --> 00:14:48,601
Look how excited they are!
349
00:14:48,634 --> 00:14:50,200
You actually think
they look excited?
350
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:51,534
Of course.
351
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:53,367
Every woman
I've ever made love to
352
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,200
looked just like that
beforehand.
353
00:14:55,234 --> 00:14:56,234
Get a load of Dina.
354
00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:57,601
She is really turned on.
355
00:14:57,634 --> 00:15:00,267
(sobbing)
356
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,868
Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please rise
357
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:06,100
as Ajax sings
our national anthem.
358
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,467
(clearing throat)
359
00:15:07,501 --> 00:15:10,934
(phlegmy intake of breath)
360
00:15:10,968 --> 00:15:14,367
(smooth, womanly falsetto):
* Oh, say, can you see
361
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,868
* By the dawn's early light *
362
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:21,767
* What so proudly we hailed
363
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:24,934
* At the twilight's
last gleaming... *
364
00:15:24,968 --> 00:15:26,167
(gasps)
365
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,400
(microphone feedback)
366
00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:34,934
* O'er the land of the free *
367
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:40,033
* And the home of the...
368
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:43,868
(jumps two octaves):
* Brave.
369
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:46,067
(crowd cheering)
Thank you.
370
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,567
Play ball!
371
00:16:03,634 --> 00:16:05,534
Ha!
372
00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:13,834
("Macarena" playing)
373
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:22,634
(gasping)
374
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:23,634
(panting)
375
00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:24,634
(buzzer sounding)
376
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:25,767
And that's the half.
377
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:27,367
Folks, there's just one word
378
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,501
for the way the Cups
are playing today
379
00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:31,067
and I can't say it on radio.
380
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:33,601
As Duckman takes his team
into the locker room,
381
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:35,934
wouldn't you like
to be a fly on the wall?
382
00:16:35,968 --> 00:16:36,767
(buzzing)
383
00:16:37,834 --> 00:16:40,534
You know, it's possible
384
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,868
that I took too much for granted
385
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,934
so I never explained to you
386
00:16:44,968 --> 00:16:47,901
the idea
behind today's little exercise.
387
00:16:47,934 --> 00:16:49,501
We're supposed to win!
388
00:16:49,534 --> 00:16:51,234
We're supposed to spend
the next three months
389
00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:53,767
in a hotel suite
signing 500 baseballs a day!
390
00:16:53,801 --> 00:16:55,267
We're supposed to be spitting up
391
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:57,801
limited edition
numbered Dixie Cups used chaw!
392
00:16:57,834 --> 00:17:01,367
We're supposed to be making
Brobdingnagian sums of money!
393
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,067
You girls are playing
like a bunch of, well, girls!
394
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:05,601
Let me tell
you a story
395
00:17:05,634 --> 00:17:07,934
about a fellow I
went to school with.
396
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:10,467
A boy named George Gibb.
397
00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:12,501
George couldn't run very fast,
or throw very far,
398
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:14,167
or hit, or catch.
399
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,400
He was too small and weak.
400
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:18,601
So...
we beat the crap out of him,
401
00:17:18,634 --> 00:17:20,868
sometimes three,
four times a day.
402
00:17:20,901 --> 00:17:22,567
He enlisted to go to Grenada,
403
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:24,834
determined to show
he was man enough.
404
00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:27,701
Instead, he lost both his legs
in a car accident
405
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:30,400
on the way home
from the recruiter's office.
406
00:17:30,434 --> 00:17:33,701
And if you don't win today,
I swear to you
407
00:17:33,734 --> 00:17:36,100
I will go to George Gibb's home
408
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:39,767
and beat that legless
little bastard to a pulp,
409
00:17:39,801 --> 00:17:43,767
so, go out there,
and win just one for the Gibber.
410
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,467
Whoo! Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
411
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:46,467
Hey!
412
00:17:46,501 --> 00:17:47,501
Hah.
413
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,934
(crying)
414
00:17:49,968 --> 00:17:51,133
What is it?
415
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:52,934
What's got
you so horny?
416
00:17:52,968 --> 00:17:54,067
It's not that.
417
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,501
It's... it's...
418
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,033
Some guy threatened
to butcher a box full of kittens
419
00:17:58,067 --> 00:17:59,968
if we didn't throw the game.
420
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,167
ALL:
Adorable kittens!
421
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,267
Ah. So, you're saying
if we kill the kittens,
422
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,000
he won't have anything on us.
423
00:18:10,033 --> 00:18:12,033
Um, I'm sure what
Duckman meant to say
424
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:14,000
is that there is
an alternative plan
425
00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:16,267
that's a tad
less monstrous.
426
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:20,701
Ice-a cream!
427
00:18:20,734 --> 00:18:22,767
Get-a you tuttsi-fruitsy
ice cream!
428
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,033
How about-a you?
429
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:26,334
You want a nice-
a tuttsi-fruitsy
ice-a cream?
430
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:27,501
I don't want tuttsi...
431
00:18:27,534 --> 00:18:28,734
I-I mean, no!
432
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:29,834
I got lots-a flavors.
433
00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:30,868
I got rasp-a-berry,
I got strawberry,
434
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,834
I got-a what's-a
the other berry?
435
00:18:32,868 --> 00:18:34,000
Boysen?
436
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:35,534
No, it's-a
safe to eat.
437
00:18:35,567 --> 00:18:36,834
Hey, that's-
a good, eh?
438
00:18:36,868 --> 00:18:37,934
I make a joke.
439
00:18:37,968 --> 00:18:39,033
Just go away.
440
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,200
Leave me alone!
441
00:18:40,234 --> 00:18:41,367
If-a you say so.
442
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,701
Hey, Desmond,
443
00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:45,100
what's the matter,
Taang got your cats?
444
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:47,834
Oh, curse you, supermodels!
445
00:18:47,868 --> 00:18:48,934
Curse you!
446
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,467
(yowling)
447
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:54,267
(cheering)
448
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:56,667
Come on, girls,
449
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:59,200
we've got a
game to win.
450
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,901
(kittens yowling)
451
00:19:34,934 --> 00:19:36,901
(crowd cheering)
452
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:38,868
(purring)
453
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:42,801
Mr. Desmond,
454
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,334
I have something for you--
455
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:46,834
the entire mortgage, paid in
full from tonight's receipts.
456
00:19:46,868 --> 00:19:48,934
This is one ballpark
you're not getting.
457
00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:51,801
But I deliberately didn't
tell you about the mortgage
458
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:53,167
so you'd default.
459
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,434
How did you find out?
460
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:55,868
Where else? The Internet.
461
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:59,667
I regularly browse
"alt-villains' greedy schemes."
462
00:19:59,701 --> 00:20:00,868
(dramatic sob)
463
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:04,467
My profits
could have been Brobdingnagian!
464
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:06,033
Oh, for heaven's sake.
465
00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:07,267
Brobdingnagian.
466
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:08,534
Adjective.
467
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:11,334
"Of immense or enormous
size or quantity."
468
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:13,767
Boy, Desmond,
I feel sorry for you.
469
00:20:13,801 --> 00:20:15,300
All you see is money.
470
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:17,968
Baseball is really about
the sun on your back,
471
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,434
and the feel of the ball
472
00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,767
hitting your glove,
and the smell of the grass,
473
00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:24,300
and the laughter
and cheering of children.
474
00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:28,000
Who cares
about money?
475
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:29,367
I said the same thing.
476
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,300
Seems like
a million years ago.
477
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:34,100
I became no better
than the people I despise.
478
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:37,067
(microphone feedback)
479
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:39,234
I forgot that this
is supposed to be a game.
480
00:20:39,267 --> 00:20:41,000
It's supposed to be
simple and pure.
481
00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:42,567
It's supposed to be fun.
482
00:20:42,601 --> 00:20:44,634
Thank goodness for supermodels.
483
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:47,434
They remind us
of what's really important.
484
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:51,734
And, so, I officially give
the Dixie Cups to you--
485
00:20:51,767 --> 00:20:53,767
the people of Wineburg
486
00:20:53,801 --> 00:20:56,901
because you, the fans,
are this team.
487
00:20:56,934 --> 00:20:58,634
Just promise
you'll always protect it
488
00:20:58,667 --> 00:20:59,801
from people like me.
489
00:20:59,834 --> 00:21:03,300
Perhaps today,
we planted the seed
490
00:21:03,334 --> 00:21:05,334
for a new beginning.
491
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:06,934
(crowd cheering)
492
00:21:06,968 --> 00:21:08,667
CORNFED:
The next day,the citizens of Wineburg
493
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,467
sold the Dixie Cupsto Simon Desmond
494
00:21:10,501 --> 00:21:12,734
and the AmalconMedia and Munitions Corporation
495
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:16,467
for $120 million.
496
00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:19,434
(organ fanfare)
497
00:21:27,334 --> 00:21:29,300
("Macarena" playing)
498
00:21:29,334 --> 00:21:31,234
DUCKMAN:
Damn Honduran androids.
499
00:21:38,901 --> 00:21:41,334
CORNFED:
Oh, for heaven's sake.
500
00:21:49,033 --> 00:21:50,200
DUCKMAN:
So horny.
501
00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,601
So s-s-so s-s-so-so
502
00:21:56,634 --> 00:21:59,100
so s-s-so s-s-so-so horny.
503
00:22:04,767 --> 00:22:07,601
DESMOND:
I didn't getto peel off my head!
35378
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