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1
00:00:15,234 --> 00:00:18,000
Duckman...
2
00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:20,100
Duckman...
3
00:00:20,133 --> 00:00:21,400
Duck...
4
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:27,534
Sorry, Corny, I thought
you were Bernice.
5
00:00:28,601 --> 00:00:30,133
Hey-hey, completely dry.
6
00:00:30,167 --> 00:00:31,534
I am in control.
7
00:00:31,567 --> 00:00:33,300
That's a good omen for
tonight's poker game.
8
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,501
Did you bring the stuff?
9
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,767
New clothes,
aftershave, a comb...
10
00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:39,701
the hair doodad
with the spikes.
11
00:00:39,734 --> 00:00:41,801
Duckman, was your calling
and asking me
12
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,100
to sneak these things in
through the window
13
00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:45,434
part of a sleazy scheme?
14
00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:46,501
Yowza!
15
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:48,501
Come here, I'll show you.
16
00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:50,000
Corny, if we're having
the game here tonight,
17
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,767
this duck's
got to put on the dog
18
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:52,734
to impress a lady.
19
00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:56,901
You're trying to
impress Bernice?
20
00:00:56,934 --> 00:00:58,968
No, not Bernice...
that girl.
21
00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:08,934
Anotheridentical sister?
22
00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:11,901
To suddenly discover the
existence of a twin sibling--
23
00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:13,901
can you imagine
how Bernice feels?
24
00:01:13,934 --> 00:01:16,300
Probably like old cheese,
but let's stay focused, okay?
25
00:01:16,334 --> 00:01:18,434
Now that Bernice
is off being a congresswoman
26
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:21,234
in our nation's capital, uh...
Congressville,
27
00:01:21,267 --> 00:01:23,434
I've got a chance I haven't had
since the seventh grade.
28
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:25,033
To date fifth-grade girls?
29
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:26,534
Good guess, but no.
30
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:27,934
I'm in perfect position for
31
00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:29,467
the "lie to the substitute
teacher" gambit,
32
00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,534
which I mastered
under the nom de sub--
33
00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:32,534
"Michael Hunt."
34
00:01:32,567 --> 00:01:33,734
You were the best.
35
00:01:33,767 --> 00:01:35,534
But what does this have to do
with Beverly?
36
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:36,767
Ever since Bernice
37
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:38,901
crawled out of her tar pit
and into my life,
38
00:01:38,934 --> 00:01:40,467
I've been persona non testes.
39
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:41,601
Now that she's gone,
40
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,868
I will rise from the ashes
like a Tucson.
41
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:46,501
But first, I got to lay down
42
00:01:46,534 --> 00:01:49,400
a heavy dusting of "snow job"
on Mount Beverly.
43
00:01:49,434 --> 00:01:52,567
I'll just dazzle her
with the famous Duckman charm.
44
00:01:52,601 --> 00:01:55,234
And that charm
is famous... where?
45
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:57,267
You know, frankly,
it's that attitude
46
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,400
that's kept you
from getting a spinoff.
47
00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:00,934
Now, watch and learn.
48
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:05,100
(with British accent):
Ah, good morrow, gentle Vic.
49
00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:06,834
I think it was
the poet, Yeats,
50
00:02:06,868 --> 00:02:09,734
who said, "Morning has broken
the first blackbird
51
00:02:09,767 --> 00:02:11,067
in the dead of night."
52
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:12,667
Talk about blank verse.
53
00:02:12,701 --> 00:02:15,634
It's from The Big Bookof Psychotic Nonsense."
54
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:17,667
Ow.
55
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:18,834
You, I like.
56
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:20,601
Hi, I'm Bev.
I'm Cornfed.
57
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:21,734
You wear it well.
58
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,667
Hey, what's with
William F. Duckley?
59
00:02:23,701 --> 00:02:25,033
"William F. Duckley!"
60
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:28,100
Ho-ho! Oh, my,
you are a treasure.
61
00:02:28,133 --> 00:02:29,901
(laughing):
No, no, no, my dear,
62
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:32,234
this is how I always dress
in the A. of M.
63
00:02:32,267 --> 00:02:34,701
All just part of being
the Lord of the Manor
64
00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:36,334
allowed to do whatever I want,
65
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:38,133
whenever I want, anytime I want,
66
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:39,334
all the time, always.
67
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:40,400
(chuckles)
68
00:02:40,434 --> 00:02:42,367
Oh... by the way...
69
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,868
tonight, I'm having
a few chums over for poker,
70
00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:46,868
but let's not mention it
to Bernice.
71
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,834
It would just break her heart
if she couldn't be here
72
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:52,367
to make Rice Krispie squares.
73
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:53,801
(laughing loudly)
74
00:02:53,834 --> 00:02:56,200
(laughter dying down)
75
00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:57,467
Funny thing.
76
00:02:57,501 --> 00:03:00,067
This is a note from Bernice
saying you might try
77
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,634
to con me into breaking
her list of house rules.
78
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:06,267
She calls it her
"Duckman don'ts and don'ts."
79
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:08,400
(crying loudly)
80
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:11,801
(stops crying)
81
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:13,167
All right, all right...
82
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,567
you can have your
poker game here, okay?
83
00:03:15,601 --> 00:03:16,734
Duckman charm.
84
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:18,133
Gets them every time.
85
00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:21,100
Well, said charm
notwithstanding,
86
00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:23,968
Bernice's rules
do seem a tad... fascist,
87
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,467
so let's just
put the rules aside,
88
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,100
and I'll treat you
like a responsible adult.
89
00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:29,267
(singsongy):
I get treated like an adult!
90
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:31,501
I get treated like an adult!
91
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,834
(clearing throat):
I... I mean... very well.
92
00:03:33,868 --> 00:03:35,534
All right,
so who's playing
in this big game?
93
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:39,067
Only the coolest guy
in the world-- Mr. Bob Guccione!
94
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:40,400
I guess he couldn't resist
95
00:03:40,434 --> 00:03:41,534
my relentless fawning
and harassment
96
00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:43,200
because he's coming here
tonight!
97
00:03:43,234 --> 00:03:46,267
So, in addition to inviting
all my friends-- a.k.a. Corny--
98
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,133
I've also got
some big stars coming,
99
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:50,400
so he'll see the kind
of hoi I polloi with.
100
00:03:50,434 --> 00:03:52,434
This is the first time I've had
company over the house,
101
00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:54,534
and I'm going to make it
the best night of my life!
102
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,100
Well, I hope it's Guccio-tastic.
103
00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:58,534
Yeah, he...
104
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:01,868
Say, you're not going
to start spewing anti- Penthouse
105
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:04,334
anti-fun, femi-nerd
yammajamma, are you?
106
00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:06,000
No, no, not at all.
107
00:04:06,033 --> 00:04:07,167
If I make you
give up Penthouse,
108
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,367
then to be consistent,
109
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,868
I've got to give up Playgirl
110
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:11,767
and, uh, I am
not doing that.
111
00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:12,934
No way. Uh-uh.
112
00:04:12,968 --> 00:04:14,901
Nopey, nope, nope, nope.
113
00:04:17,267 --> 00:04:19,868
You know, I-I think I'll
just go back to my room
114
00:04:19,901 --> 00:04:21,801
and, um... unpack.
115
00:04:21,834 --> 00:04:25,501
Yeah, I have to do
some unpacking.
116
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:27,400
(Bernice running away,
door closes)
117
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,200
(snickering)
118
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,334
Hmm. For a second,
that looked like...
119
00:04:34,367 --> 00:04:35,701
Nah... can't be.
120
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,167
(doorbell rings)
121
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:40,000
(screams)
122
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:46,734
See? I told you,
there is something
scary about that door.
123
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,300
Trust me, pure evil is out
there, and we gotta hide!
124
00:04:49,334 --> 00:04:51,300
Corny and the boys, grab
canned food and bottled water
125
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:52,300
and get in the basement!
126
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:53,901
Bev, get some candles
and flashlights
127
00:04:53,934 --> 00:04:55,234
and batteries--
all we've got!
128
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,067
Speaking of which,
bring those Playgirls, too.
129
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,267
We may be forced to rely on you
for crude amusement.
130
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,200
(chuckling)
131
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,534
Oh, this is ridiculous.
132
00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:12,901
What the hell
took you morons so long?
133
00:05:12,934 --> 00:05:14,100
You're in here chatting,
134
00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:16,868
I'm out here
playing with my yuga.
135
00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:18,868
"Evil" is only
mild exaggeration.
136
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,901
This is Mo Dorkin,
Duckman's uncle
137
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:22,467
and only living relative.
138
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,601
Will someone please
tell babe here
139
00:05:24,634 --> 00:05:26,067
that I'm not deaf?
140
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,100
I'm very sorry.
141
00:05:27,133 --> 00:05:28,501
We have been rude.
142
00:05:28,534 --> 00:05:30,801
I'm Bev, and as it happens,
I'm the long-lost...
143
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:32,267
Oh, please,
go slower.
144
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:35,434
I want to make this
a whole chapter
in my diary.
145
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,167
I cannot believe
you're here!
146
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,968
I mean, you got
big stones, Mo,
147
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,133
I'll give you that!
148
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:41,701
I hate you
and you hate me
149
00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:44,434
and that system's been
working out just fine!
150
00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:46,000
So don't take this
the wrong way,
151
00:05:46,033 --> 00:05:47,501
you puckered-up
old hamster hole,
152
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:48,601
but get lost!
153
00:05:48,634 --> 00:05:50,601
Still got a way
with words, huh?
154
00:05:50,634 --> 00:05:52,601
Well, I got
a news flash, yutz.
155
00:05:52,634 --> 00:05:54,467
I'm here
and I ain't leaving.
156
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:56,734
And what's more,
you can't throw me out.
157
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,033
Ha! You're crazy!
158
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,968
Maybe, but I'm also dying.
159
00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,567
Yes, that's right-- dying.
160
00:06:06,601 --> 00:06:07,701
And soon.
161
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:09,801
Doc says my heart
could go anytime,
162
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:13,200
and until then, you've got
a sacred duty to take me in.
163
00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:14,200
Why?
164
00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:18,267
Because I'm family!
165
00:06:29,033 --> 00:06:31,000
Mo, I'd love to stand around
talking with you,
166
00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:32,501
but these last few minutes
have reminded me
167
00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:34,000
why I never stand around
talking with you.
168
00:06:34,033 --> 00:06:35,567
So good-bye, have a good death
169
00:06:35,601 --> 00:06:37,567
and don't let the big red door
hit you on your way into hell.
170
00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:39,934
Well, okay, if that's
the way you want it,
171
00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:40,934
I understand.
172
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,701
I'll just go
somewhere else.
173
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:44,534
Good. Nothing
brightens a room
174
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:45,801
like your absence.
175
00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:47,400
Perhaps in
the afterlife,
176
00:06:47,434 --> 00:06:51,334
I'll be reunited
with Cousin George.
177
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,367
Well, bye now.
178
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,167
Uh, Mo, wait a sec.
179
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,501
We're, uh...
we're going to have
180
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,033
a little family conference
in the kitchen.
181
00:06:58,067 --> 00:06:59,534
Cornfed here
will keep you company
182
00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:00,834
until we get back.
183
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:11,834
Reading the paper?
184
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:13,868
No, I'm landing
the space shuttle.
185
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,000
Buckle up.
186
00:07:15,033 --> 00:07:17,634
Look at this,
I'm talking to trayf.
187
00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:18,734
Shh!
188
00:07:18,767 --> 00:07:20,934
We just redid our
genealogy website,
189
00:07:20,968 --> 00:07:22,567
thanks to aunt Beverly.
190
00:07:22,601 --> 00:07:25,234
How many more surprise
relatives do we have?
191
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:28,400
I'm not so much let down
as I am disappointed.
192
00:07:28,434 --> 00:07:29,934
He's always been
a miserable old jerk,
193
00:07:29,968 --> 00:07:32,334
but now he's got me by the short
and yellows, and he knows it.
194
00:07:32,367 --> 00:07:34,601
Why? And who's Cousin George?
195
00:07:34,634 --> 00:07:36,501
He and my Uncle Ted
never got along.
196
00:07:36,534 --> 00:07:39,133
When Ted was dying,
he asked George to take him in,
197
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,334
but George said no.
198
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:42,701
So before he died,
Ted put a curse on George
199
00:07:42,734 --> 00:07:44,901
and said George
would meet certain doom.
200
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:45,534
And?
201
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:46,767
And...
202
00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:49,067
he invested
in the Go-Go's reunion tour.
203
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,133
(gasps)
204
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,033
And if that wasn't
bad enough,
205
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:55,601
he got run over by the Go-Go's
tour bus and killed... dead.
206
00:07:55,634 --> 00:07:57,133
And since that fateful day,
207
00:07:57,167 --> 00:08:00,234
no one in my family dares
to turn away a dying relative
208
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:02,601
for fear of the curse of Ted.
209
00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:04,067
I'm stuck with Sir Kvetch-a-lot
210
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,567
until he's safely
six feet under.
211
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:06,834
He is still your uncle,
212
00:08:06,868 --> 00:08:09,267
and you should view
this as an opportunity
213
00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:12,234
to forge a bond between
your past and your future.
214
00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:15,133
But what about the game?!
215
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,133
Oh, come on.
216
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:17,734
What is he--
70, 80 years old?
217
00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:18,834
He'll be fast asleep
218
00:08:18,868 --> 00:08:20,634
by the time
your game gets going.
219
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,467
MO:
Actually, I do
go to sleep early.
220
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,801
Hey, were you eavesdropping?
221
00:08:23,834 --> 00:08:24,968
Don't kid yourself.
222
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,901
These walls aren't
exactly made of titanium.
223
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,434
Boys, to your rooms.
224
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:33,400
Whether I kill him
or just cry like a woman,
225
00:08:33,434 --> 00:08:35,400
I don't want you to see it.
226
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:40,334
So, what's your decision?
227
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:42,767
Maybe if you pamper me,
228
00:08:42,801 --> 00:08:44,767
I'll fall asleep
before it starts.
229
00:08:44,801 --> 00:08:46,968
So you got to ask
yourself one question:
230
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,834
Do I feel lucky?
231
00:08:48,868 --> 00:08:51,534
Well, do ya... Eric?
232
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,834
All right! You can stay!
233
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,133
But you'd better fall
asleep before that game.
234
00:08:58,167 --> 00:08:59,367
I'm yawning already.
235
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,534
Now let's get down
to the business at hand
236
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:02,868
and foot.
237
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:04,434
Waiting on me.
238
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:08,601
You...
239
00:09:12,133 --> 00:09:13,501
Ugh!
240
00:09:14,534 --> 00:09:17,133
Oh, oh, my God!
241
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:18,934
This is a nightmare!
242
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:21,701
No human body could
produce a stench like this!
243
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:22,868
You got that right.
244
00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:24,434
Before I put on my shoes,
245
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:27,300
I soaked my feet in
pureed herring and manure
246
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,334
just for you.
247
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:31,834
Hurry! I feel
my cuticles wilting.
248
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:36,667
Lower.
249
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:37,801
Lower!
250
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:39,467
Ow! Eh, eh, ow!
251
00:09:39,501 --> 00:09:40,467
Ooh, ow.
252
00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:42,300
Th-That stupid brush
is too rough
253
00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:44,267
for my most
sensitive skin.
254
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:46,834
We need something
as soft as your hair.
255
00:09:46,868 --> 00:09:48,300
Well, this is the only brush
256
00:09:48,334 --> 00:09:49,567
we have.
257
00:09:49,601 --> 00:09:51,567
Maybe you didn't hear me.
258
00:09:51,601 --> 00:09:55,234
We need something
as soft as your hair.
259
00:09:55,267 --> 00:09:56,667
No, you can't mean...
260
00:09:56,701 --> 00:09:57,667
I don't under...
261
00:09:57,701 --> 00:09:59,167
What's not to understand?
262
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,667
I would like you
to rub soap in your hair
263
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,968
and then use your head
to scrub my tochis.
264
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:07,567
(teeth chattering)
265
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:13,334
(screaming)
266
00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:23,267
MO:
I'm still awake!
267
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,367
Ah, Ajax, Mambo, Chance...
268
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:33,300
Charles.
269
00:10:33,334 --> 00:10:34,901
Whatever.
270
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:37,501
I'll dry off and I'll
be back for your rubdown.
271
00:10:37,534 --> 00:10:39,133
Maybe that'll put you to sleep.
272
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:42,767
Oh, please, please,
God, go to sleep.
273
00:10:42,801 --> 00:10:44,167
Hurry up, you moron.
274
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,400
I'm stuck here
with Tweedledum, Tweedledumber
275
00:10:47,434 --> 00:10:49,734
and
Tweedle-What-a-Friggin'-Moron.
276
00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:51,334
Huh?
277
00:10:51,367 --> 00:10:52,501
Now get lost, will ya?
278
00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:54,167
And take Stimpy with you.
279
00:10:57,501 --> 00:11:00,667
(water dripping slowly)
280
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:09,067
(dripping gets louder)
281
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:14,901
Dah!
282
00:11:14,934 --> 00:11:16,667
You know I ain't
gonna sleep.
283
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:18,200
You could give me
a rubdown,
284
00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:20,000
an enema, a Taiwanese
tongue job,
285
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:22,100
I'll still humiliate
you tonight.
286
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,167
No, no!
287
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,400
Yes, yes, you are screwed.
288
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,567
And these Tums
are expired.
289
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:28,567
Dah!
290
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:29,734
Ow!
291
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,267
MO:
You still
in the john?
292
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,100
Come on already!
293
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,200
MAN ON TV:
A dime.
294
00:11:38,234 --> 00:11:39,367
This stranger gave me a dime.
295
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,067
This stranger
gave me a dime.
296
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,634
(yelling and grunting)
297
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:47,968
(muffled yelling)
298
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:02,934
Sleepy yet?!
299
00:12:10,434 --> 00:12:13,834
Now the runway is cleared
for the arrival of Air Guccione.
300
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:15,000
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
301
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:17,000
My mother of
all poker games is saved.
302
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:18,000
(doorbell rings)
303
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:20,767
Let the games begin!
304
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,334
I'll get it.
305
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,334
Thanks, Mo.
Appreci...
306
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,367
(yells)
307
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,701
Hello, Dopey,
Snoozy and Blabby.
308
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:28,033
You didn't think
I'd sleep
309
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:29,501
through the big night,
did you?
310
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:30,701
How did you get
out of the sack
311
00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:32,234
and the chains
and the trunk and the... ?
312
00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:34,467
I've ticked off a lot
of people in my life.
313
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:36,467
You know how many times I've
been bagged, chained and locked
314
00:12:36,501 --> 00:12:38,133
in a steamer trunk?
At this point,
315
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,534
I could escape
blindfolded--
316
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:41,300
oh, you forgot
to blindfold me.
317
00:12:41,334 --> 00:12:42,701
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
318
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:45,300
I hope that's Guccione.
I have a lot to say to him.
319
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:46,267
No!
320
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,334
Hello, Rube.
321
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:49,934
Hey, M.C. Cor-nee
322
00:12:49,968 --> 00:12:51,167
and Rapmaster D.,
323
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,334
I hope you brought
plenty of cash
324
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,567
for the kitty must be fed.
325
00:12:55,601 --> 00:12:57,000
Duckman, what gives?
326
00:12:57,033 --> 00:13:00,133
You assured me that the great
Joe Walsh would be in attendance
327
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:01,834
and that I'd get a clear shot
328
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:03,734
at signing him
to Def Mute Records.
329
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:05,934
No, don't worry,
Joe will be here.
330
00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:07,601
I should hope so.
331
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:09,434
Bernice!
332
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:11,067
Hel-lo.
333
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:15,501
You have certainly dolled up
since last we met.
334
00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:18,467
Oh, um... I'm Bernice's
sister Beverly.
335
00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:19,801
Oh, Rube Richter.
336
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,133
Def Mute Records.
337
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,968
Please forgive
my confusion, Beverly.
338
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,133
Your sister
is a lovely girl.
339
00:13:26,167 --> 00:13:30,267
She has, uh... very strong
teeth and fetlocks.
340
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:32,934
And who have we here?
341
00:13:32,968 --> 00:13:34,434
He's Uncle Mo,
he's fine.
342
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:36,434
Hey, Rube, let me
fix you a drink.
343
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,601
I'll take a drink.
344
00:13:37,634 --> 00:13:40,000
You know how to make
a fruit cordial?
345
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:41,834
(laughing)
346
00:13:41,868 --> 00:13:43,534
JOE:
Hey, how you doing?
347
00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:45,367
Joe! Come in.
Thanks for coming.
348
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,434
Hey, my pleasure.
349
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:47,601
My pleasure.
350
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:49,868
Man, Duckman,
you got to do something
351
00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:51,133
about your driveway.
352
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:53,534
It's completely
grown over with grass.
353
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,534
CORNFED:
Uh, Joe,
354
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,000
that's not the driveway.
355
00:13:56,033 --> 00:13:57,934
You parked on Ben Stein's lawn.
356
00:13:57,968 --> 00:14:00,634
Oh, that must have been
the guy who was yelling
357
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,667
and jumping up and down.
I-I get it now--
358
00:14:02,701 --> 00:14:05,167
he was yelling,
"You're on my lawn!
You're on my lawn!"
359
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,200
I thought he was asking me
to play "all night long."
360
00:14:08,234 --> 00:14:10,601
Joe, I'm Mo Dorkin,
Duckman's uncle.
361
00:14:10,634 --> 00:14:11,868
Now, now, Mel,
362
00:14:11,901 --> 00:14:14,534
let someone else talk
to Joe for a change.
363
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:16,868
Joe, Rube Richter,
Def Mute Records.
364
00:14:16,901 --> 00:14:18,834
Oh, good.
365
00:14:18,868 --> 00:14:22,300
Joe, we'd love to have you
join our family of artistes
366
00:14:22,334 --> 00:14:23,667
because at Def Mute,
367
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:26,100
we don't see you as "numbers
on a balance sheet."
368
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:29,801
Rather, we see you as
"product to be merchandised."
369
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:30,801
(doorbell rings)
370
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:32,801
Must be Guccione.
I'll get it.
371
00:14:32,834 --> 00:14:33,901
No, that's okay.
372
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:35,033
I got it.
373
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:37,067
Listen, you vicious
old blood clot--
374
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,667
one insult,
one ethnic slur,
375
00:14:38,701 --> 00:14:41,100
one clammy off-putting remark,
and I'll...
376
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:43,734
And you'll what?
377
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:45,267
Joe, let me get that.
378
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,400
No, no, I got it.
379
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:48,067
$20 for you...
no, make it 30.
380
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:49,834
Here's thirty bucks.
There you go.
381
00:14:49,868 --> 00:14:52,634
Wow, thanks... Mr. Geffen.
382
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:55,868
Hey, is it
my fault
383
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:58,100
he's careless
with his wallet?
384
00:14:58,133 --> 00:15:00,100
(all laughing)
385
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,434
(doorbell rings)
386
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,534
MO:
Oh, boy, that must be Bob.
387
00:15:04,634 --> 00:15:05,601
Whoa!
388
00:15:05,634 --> 00:15:06,601
(crashing)
389
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:07,601
Oh! Oh, no!
390
00:15:07,634 --> 00:15:08,601
I'm so sorry.
391
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:10,534
Bob, welcome
to my house.
392
00:15:10,567 --> 00:15:11,968
BOB:
Uh, thanks, thanks.
393
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,634
Say, who's
that woman?
394
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:14,968
My sister-in-law,
Beverly.
395
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:15,968
Beverly?
396
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,567
Of course, Beverly!
397
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:19,434
October 1989.
398
00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:21,100
(chuckling)
399
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:23,100
Well, anyway, thank you
for inviting me.
400
00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:25,501
I don't ordinarily go
to the homes of total strangers
401
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:28,067
whom I know
to be deranged or obsessive.
402
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:30,434
But what can I say?
I love poker.
403
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,200
Bob Guccione,
this is Rube Richter
404
00:15:32,234 --> 00:15:33,300
of Def Mute Records.
405
00:15:33,334 --> 00:15:34,300
Yo!
406
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:35,634
(softly):
This is my Uncle Mo
407
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:36,634
and Cornfed,
my partner.
408
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,234
And this is
Joe Walsh--
409
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,234
the man
with the magic fingers.
410
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:41,534
Gentlemen,
this is Bob Guccione--
411
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:43,701
the man who helped make
my fingers magic.
412
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,667
That's an image
I won't easily shake.
413
00:15:45,701 --> 00:15:46,734
Whoo-hoo!
414
00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:49,067
(laughing and whooping):
"Easily shake"!
415
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,901
Oh, God,
that's marvelous.
416
00:15:50,934 --> 00:15:52,400
Whoo-hoo! My!
417
00:15:52,434 --> 00:15:53,734
Well, enough talk.
418
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:54,868
Let's play.
419
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:58,634
Waah!
420
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,334
This is gonna be
a great night.
421
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:01,701
What do I mean,
"gonna be"?
422
00:16:01,734 --> 00:16:03,234
It's already
a great night.
423
00:16:03,267 --> 00:16:05,033
Right, Bob, you having fun?
It's great, right?
424
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,033
Sure, great.
425
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:07,501
Duckman, calm down.
426
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,133
Hey, Mo,
aren't you going to play?
427
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:10,634
No! No room! No room!
428
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:12,167
Of course there's room.
429
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,934
Here, Mo--
you sit next to me.
430
00:16:13,968 --> 00:16:15,100
Why, thank you.
431
00:16:15,133 --> 00:16:17,300
How do you make a fruit cordial?
432
00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:18,467
Well, you...
Hey, I know,
433
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:19,467
let's forget about cards.
434
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:20,667
We'll light up some cigars
435
00:16:20,701 --> 00:16:22,000
so we can put in our mouths
so we can't talk
436
00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:23,300
and we'll watch triple-X videos,
huh?
437
00:16:23,334 --> 00:16:25,067
To be honest,
the last thing I want to do
438
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,400
after a hard day at the office
439
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:28,267
is look
at beautiful, naked women.
440
00:16:30,934 --> 00:16:33,501
No, trust me, it'll be fun.
441
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,000
Much better than talking,
you'll see.
442
00:16:35,033 --> 00:16:36,501
Hey, I don't want
to be rude,
443
00:16:36,534 --> 00:16:38,634
but are we going
to play cards or not?
444
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:41,901
Duckman, Bob wants
to play cards.
445
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,601
Oh. Oh, okay.
446
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,801
I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll,
I'll, I'll, I'll deal.
447
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,000
(yelps)
448
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,934
(clanging)
449
00:17:03,901 --> 00:17:05,534
(panting)
450
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,701
Well, this is certainly awkward.
451
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,367
Mo, how could you?!
452
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,634
Me?! You did it yourself.
453
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:13,934
Every time I think
you can't get stupider,
454
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:15,334
you always surprise me.
455
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,868
I'm going to love staying
here and torturing you.
456
00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:20,501
I only wish I didn't have
to get cancer to do it.
457
00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:23,033
Hey, when you first got here,
you said it was your heart.
458
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,167
Now it's cancer!
459
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,667
You've been lying
this whole time?!
460
00:17:25,701 --> 00:17:27,334
No, I am dying.
461
00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:28,667
I can explain.
462
00:17:28,701 --> 00:17:29,901
(sharp groan)
463
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,033
Uh-oh.
464
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:36,834
Correction: This is awkward.
465
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:39,601
Eric, must tell you.
466
00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:40,934
Come closer.
467
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:42,267
Closer...
468
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:43,601
closer!
469
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,100
Aah!
470
00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:47,400
What a putz.
471
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:51,801
Now, I know what kind of man
reads Playboy.
472
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:58,634
(bagpipes
playing "Amazing Grace")
473
00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:01,100
(audio tape reversing)
474
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,868
Ajax, don't touch that.
475
00:18:10,868 --> 00:18:14,834
Dearly beloved, family,
friends, paid mourners,
476
00:18:14,868 --> 00:18:18,467
we are here to bury
my Uncle Mo Dorkin
477
00:18:18,501 --> 00:18:20,601
who was taken from us
by heart cancer,
478
00:18:20,634 --> 00:18:22,767
a disease that-- I got to
admit-- I had never heard of
479
00:18:22,801 --> 00:18:24,834
until I caused him
to die from it.
480
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:27,067
I will know better next time.
481
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:32,267
Mo was not famous or gifted
or smart or decent or kind.
482
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,400
We are not here
because we loved him.
483
00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:37,267
Mostly, we are here
because Bernice made us come.
484
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,234
Also, we want to see
with our own eyes
485
00:18:39,267 --> 00:18:40,400
that he is really dead
486
00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:42,167
and will not jump
out of the coffin
487
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,501
or stick his hand up
out of the ground
488
00:18:43,534 --> 00:18:45,000
like in Carrie,
when Amy Irving...
489
00:18:45,033 --> 00:18:46,868
Get on with it!
490
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:49,767
Right. Usually,
when a loved one kacks,
491
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:52,300
we try to hold him here,
in our hearts.
492
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:54,968
Or, if you're
from the southern hemisphere--
493
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,701
here.
494
00:18:56,734 --> 00:18:58,701
But who's going to miss Mo?
Not me.
495
00:18:58,734 --> 00:19:01,234
Let's face it,
he was an irritating, obnoxious,
496
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:03,033
arrogant, selfish...
497
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,868
Hey, wait.
That's what it said
498
00:19:07,901 --> 00:19:09,200
under my high school
yearbook photo.
499
00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:11,300
I'm... I'm just like Mo.
500
00:19:11,334 --> 00:19:12,667
And if I don't
clean up my act,
501
00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:14,667
I'll end up just like Mo--
502
00:19:14,701 --> 00:19:16,868
lying in a cheap
balsa wood casket,
503
00:19:16,901 --> 00:19:19,200
unmissed and...
and unloved.
504
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:20,567
Duckman...
505
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:22,767
you're forgetting
something--
506
00:19:22,801 --> 00:19:24,567
you have a family
and friends
507
00:19:24,601 --> 00:19:26,400
who will always love you
508
00:19:26,434 --> 00:19:28,701
no matter how big
a jerk you are.
509
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,701
So, bottom-line me, Bev.
510
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,701
I don't have
to try to be nicer?
511
00:19:32,734 --> 00:19:36,000
Well, I mean, you don't have to,
but it certainly...
512
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:38,667
Fantastic! All right,
let's wrap this up
513
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:40,100
and plant this bastard.
514
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:41,334
And what better way
515
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,767
than with a song I wrote
in Mo's honor
516
00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:45,801
sung by Mr. Joe Walsh.
517
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:47,100
Give it up!
518
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,534
(To the tune of
"Life's Been Good"):
* My name is Mo
519
00:19:56,567 --> 00:20:00,300
* And I was an old man
520
00:20:00,334 --> 00:20:02,133
* It took me hours
521
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:04,300
* To go to the can
522
00:20:04,334 --> 00:20:05,367
(popping)
523
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,100
* Time made me deaf
524
00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:10,567
* Made it harder to see
525
00:20:10,601 --> 00:20:12,968
* Enlarged my prostate
526
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,000
* So I couldn't pee *
527
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:21,133
* I was a mean
and vindictive old guy *
528
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,534
* Nobody liked me
529
00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,634
* Not hard to see why
530
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:26,801
(clinking)
531
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:29,133
* Heaven can take me
532
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,734
* It really still can
533
00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:36,834
* If all of you girls
will sleep with Duckman *
534
00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:41,834
* Lucky I'm dead
after all I've been through *
535
00:20:41,868 --> 00:20:44,801
* Everybody say "oy vay!" *
536
00:20:44,834 --> 00:20:47,801
ALL:
* Oy vay *
537
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:50,033
* I can't complain *
538
00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:52,300
* But sometimes I still do
539
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:56,834
* Life was good to me
till now... *
540
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:02,167
* Yeah, yeah, yeah.
541
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:27,033
* Yeah, yeah, yeah
542
00:21:58,267 --> 00:22:01,234
Ah, good.
37602
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