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1
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,734
WOMAN:
Being an orphan changes you.
2
00:00:14,801 --> 00:00:16,067
You're always alone.
3
00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:18,067
Yet you always know, deep down,
4
00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:21,467
there's someone out there that
you're connected to, y'know?
5
00:00:21,534 --> 00:00:23,701
Hey, I mean, I got a life,
a career, plants
6
00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:26,033
one of those
little satellite dishes.
7
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:27,033
I'm doing fine.
8
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:28,400
But even so,
9
00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:31,234
a failed marriage and some
really crummy relationships
10
00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:33,000
left me wanting that bond--
11
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:36,300
that sense of belonging
only a family can give you.
12
00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:37,300
So I hired you.
13
00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:38,734
And now you tell me
14
00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:41,634
I not only have a family,
but I'm a triplet?
15
00:00:41,701 --> 00:00:45,133
Mm! I'm walking into the lives
of a bunch of strangers.
16
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,834
It's a very scary thing.
17
00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:51,234
Here's the address in L.A.,
18
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:53,667
but, uh,
there isn't much more.
19
00:00:55,234 --> 00:00:56,634
Now, about my payment...
20
00:00:56,701 --> 00:01:00,300
maybe we could grab some dinner
21
00:01:00,367 --> 00:01:04,801
and find a way to, uh,
reduce your fee.
22
00:01:04,868 --> 00:01:07,000
You know, whatever fate's
got in store for me
23
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,901
I'm glad this
is the last time
24
00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:12,234
I'll have to deal with
a brainless, sleazy detective.
25
00:01:20,734 --> 00:01:22,367
(whistles)
26
00:01:49,801 --> 00:01:54,033
CHARLES:
We sure are goingto miss you, Aunt Bernice.
27
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:56,267
You mean Aunt
"Congresswoman" Bernice.
28
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,501
Now, boys,
29
00:01:57,567 --> 00:02:00,000
even though I'll be
in Washington a lot,
30
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,601
I'll fly home
as often as I can.
31
00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:04,300
But being a congresswoman,
five-hour plane flights,
32
00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:06,434
taking care of us, when
are you gonna sleep?
33
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,567
I'll do what
Strom Thurmond does,
34
00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:10,834
and catnap on
the bathroom floor.
35
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:26,033
Ordinarily, I'd
never leave you boys,
36
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,100
but this is a chance
to do something for America--
37
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:30,534
to make a difference.
38
00:02:30,601 --> 00:02:33,801
And I would never ever
abandon you for too long a time
39
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:36,000
to the slimy clutches
of... Duckman!
40
00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:39,000
I haven't even left yet
41
00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:40,901
and you've already
turned Ajax
42
00:02:40,968 --> 00:02:42,400
into your personal slave.
43
00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:43,801
Bernice, I am...
44
00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:46,267
well, "appalled"
is the only word for it.
45
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,601
How dare you imply
46
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,400
that I would treat
my own son like chattel.
47
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,033
You can expect a collect call
from my attorneys.
48
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:54,200
Slave. Ha!
49
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:55,834
That will be all, Kunta.
50
00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,968
Free at last!
51
00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:03,200
Kids and their melodrama.
52
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,868
And since I have
my own office now,
53
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,300
I'll be sure to take a reminder
54
00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:08,100
of each
of my loved ones with me--
55
00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,334
the boys, Cornfed...
56
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,934
Grandma-ma...
57
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,234
Tony Little...
58
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,234
Beatrice.
59
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,634
Oh, this was just before
60
00:03:18,701 --> 00:03:21,834
I tried to choke you
with my garter, remember?
61
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,801
Yeah, you never forget
your wedding day.
62
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,567
Except the part
when I got faced
63
00:03:25,634 --> 00:03:26,834
and starting swinging
that nine iron
64
00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:28,167
and broke
the flower girl's nose.
65
00:03:28,234 --> 00:03:32,434
Oh, Beatrice,
I miss you so much.
66
00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:33,767
(gasps)
67
00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:38,000
Look! It's her!
It's really her!
68
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:39,000
Who?
69
00:03:39,067 --> 00:03:40,334
B-B... Beatrice.
70
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,767
What?!
71
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:43,400
Duckman, how could you
desecrate my sister's memory
72
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,400
for a tasteless
made-you-look gag?
73
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:46,734
I swear I saw her--
74
00:03:46,801 --> 00:03:49,200
their mother,
your sister, my wife.
75
00:03:49,267 --> 00:03:51,067
There's only
one logical explanation--
76
00:03:51,133 --> 00:03:53,300
the dead
have come back to life
77
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,801
and she is their leader!
78
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,667
I hope she doesn't eat flesh.
79
00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,100
I'm still using mine.
80
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,133
Duckman, you sad sack
of spoor splash.
81
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,467
You probably just saw my
reflection in the window.
82
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,901
Nuh-uh!
You may have been twins
83
00:04:04,968 --> 00:04:07,267
but Beatrice
had a lovely, angelic glow,
84
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:10,067
while you've got more of that
whole, uh, "evil Satan's spawn,
85
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,501
Elephant Man"
kind of thing going.
86
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:13,734
(horn honks)
87
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,567
This time that wasn't me
venting my pancreas.
88
00:04:16,634 --> 00:04:17,901
Your taxi is here.
89
00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:20,133
Oh, my babies.
90
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:24,000
Study hard, clean your rooms,
91
00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:26,467
and stay at least 20 feet
from your father at all times.
92
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:27,834
I'll see you
in a couple of days.
93
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,801
Give 'em hell,
Aunt Bernice!
94
00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:31,400
Good luck in Congress!
95
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:35,167
And tell Newt government
has no place in my bedroom.
96
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:38,968
Sadly, the Speaker
is "Mr. Bad Touch."
97
00:04:39,033 --> 00:04:41,234
I can't even enjoy
watching Bernice leave.
98
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:43,300
I don't care what anyone says,
I saw her.
99
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,834
Beatrice is alive!
100
00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:47,667
She's alive! She's alive!
101
00:04:47,734 --> 00:04:49,834
Duckman, didn't you
say the same thing
102
00:04:49,901 --> 00:04:51,734
about Cleopatra and
Martha Washington
103
00:04:51,801 --> 00:04:53,067
and Vicki Lawrence?
104
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:54,601
But Vicki Lawrence isn't dead.
105
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,534
He knows, my queen.
106
00:05:03,601 --> 00:05:05,534
He knows nothing.
107
00:05:05,601 --> 00:05:07,100
He is a fool.
108
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,767
No one can stop us now.
109
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:11,901
(evil laughter)
110
00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:16,200
Hey, I told you
to stop doing that.
111
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:18,434
I'm telling you,
Beatrice is back
112
00:05:18,501 --> 00:05:20,267
and she's surprisingly spry
113
00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:22,601
what, with having been dead
and all.
114
00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:28,467
Duckman, I know how
happy she made you
115
00:05:28,534 --> 00:05:30,167
but now she's gone.
116
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:36,033
I miss her so much,
117
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,901
I guess I made myself believe
she was back.
118
00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:40,534
Good-bye, Beatrice.
119
00:05:45,968 --> 00:05:48,334
(stuttering, gasping)
120
00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:51,467
What's wrong?
121
00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:52,534
B-B-B-Beatrice!
122
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:53,868
Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-She
123
00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:55,300
was right th-th-th-th...
124
00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:56,734
(screams)
125
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,033
Beatrice!
126
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,334
My Beatrice!
127
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,467
Whoo-hoo!
128
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:08,033
Beatrice!
129
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,067
Baby!
130
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:12,067
(high-pitched scream)
131
00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:15,067
(people murmuring)
132
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,501
I am so sorry-- this isn't
how I wanted to meet you.
133
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:29,234
I was only trying to work up
the nerve to talk to you.
134
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:30,367
Please, don't die.
135
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,234
Hey! You said you were his wife.
136
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,267
Were you lying so you could ride
in the ambulance
137
00:06:35,334 --> 00:06:36,367
because it's cool?
138
00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:38,734
No. I am his wife, uh, eh...
139
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:40,067
Beatrice.
140
00:06:43,501 --> 00:06:44,667
All right,
what do we got?
141
00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:46,033
Man versus bus.
142
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,501
Always bet on the bus.
143
00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,434
Okay, on three:
One, two, three.
144
00:06:49,501 --> 00:06:51,567
D'Alonzo, you just
pretended to lift.
145
00:06:51,634 --> 00:06:53,234
Don't think
I didn't notice.
146
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:54,234
Oh, my God!
147
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,968
He looks really familiar.
148
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:56,968
Oh, well.
149
00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:58,167
Pupils fixed and dilated,
150
00:06:58,234 --> 00:06:59,667
trauma, concussion,
steatorrhea,
151
00:06:59,734 --> 00:07:00,934
shock, abrasions...
pressure?
152
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,734
I've been under a lot
since the change.
153
00:07:02,801 --> 00:07:03,734
Thanks for asking.
154
00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:04,734
The patient!
155
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:05,734
Oh. 90/60.
156
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:06,834
Bag him. Iffy neurals
157
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:08,234
no nephritis,
severe mottling
158
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:10,467
start him on Osborn clamps,
Laufenberg traction,
159
00:07:10,534 --> 00:07:12,567
CBC, chem seven,
apply Misch compression,
160
00:07:12,634 --> 00:07:14,234
watch for buildup
till ortho comes,
161
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,033
reno peptides protocol,
synovial drip,
162
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:17,934
10 cc's dioxyviolaspolin,
five-p glucose,
163
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,734
check for Evans-Hyland syndrome
and Markowitzian occlusion,
164
00:07:20,801 --> 00:07:23,634
start gastric lavage and spike
that decidua capsularis stat!
165
00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:25,334
Is he going to be all right?
166
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,801
Damn it, I'm a doctor,
not a fortune-teller!
167
00:07:27,868 --> 00:07:29,067
Ma'am,
please wait outside.
168
00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,968
The doctor may need to
start slamming his fist
169
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,033
on the patient's chest
170
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,300
and yelling,
"Live, damn you, live!"
171
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:34,767
and that can be
hard to watch.
172
00:07:36,701 --> 00:07:38,701
Oh, I-I'm terribly sorry.
173
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:40,367
Well, hello.
174
00:07:40,434 --> 00:07:42,868
I'm ecstatic to see you.
175
00:07:42,934 --> 00:07:44,701
Uh... hi.
176
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,601
It's been, uh...
177
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,067
too long?
178
00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,434
Since this morning?
179
00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,601
I suppose that
is a long time
180
00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,400
if you're a soap bubble.
181
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:54,734
Why are you here?
182
00:07:54,801 --> 00:07:56,734
Oh, my God, it's Duckman.
183
00:07:56,801 --> 00:07:59,734
Dr. Ehrlich, this man
is my friend and neighbor.
184
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:00,901
I'll take over.
185
00:08:00,968 --> 00:08:02,501
Damn it, Ben, you're too close!
186
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:04,334
It's not supposed
to be personal.
187
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,701
You're wrong, Craig.
188
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,267
It's always supposed
to be personal.
189
00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:10,534
As director of
medical services,
190
00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:12,767
I'm ordering you
to step aside.
191
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:15,267
We must stem
the pyloric stenosis
192
00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:16,734
or risk brain damage.
193
00:08:16,801 --> 00:08:18,734
Time is...
194
00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:20,734
(monitor beeping)
195
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:25,234
...crucial.
196
00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,667
(steady tone and beeping)
197
00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:29,667
Uh-oh.
198
00:08:29,734 --> 00:08:32,067
Paddles... stat.
199
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,901
And...
200
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,601
Clear.
201
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,934
(steady tone, beeping)
202
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:51,968
Again.
203
00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:03,133
Will you come on already?!
204
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,734
Ma'am, I asked you to leave.
205
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:10,100
(flatly):
Live, damn you, live.
206
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,434
Happy?
207
00:09:11,501 --> 00:09:13,634
(steady tone, then beeping)
208
00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:15,133
I knew you could do it,
209
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,767
you magnificent bastard.
210
00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:19,267
Damn it, Ben, your methods
may be unorthodox,
211
00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:21,033
but you're a hell
of a doctor.
212
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,467
I think we all learned
a little something
213
00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:24,834
about dedication today.
214
00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:27,334
I don't like him.
215
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,667
No one does.
216
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:31,467
He's pompous, arrogant,
egotistical...
217
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:34,801
and I wish we had
a dozen just like him.
218
00:09:34,868 --> 00:09:36,234
Will he be all right?
219
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:39,601
There's no telling when or if
he'll regain consciousness
220
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,434
but we'll do
everything we can.
221
00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:43,267
This way
to your husband's room.
222
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,634
Why, thank you. I...
223
00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:46,601
Nurse, that's not his wife.
224
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,868
His wife passed away.
225
00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:50,033
(gasps)
226
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,934
NURSE:
Then she'll
have to leave.
227
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,701
Family members only,
you know.
228
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:54,834
BEN:
It's all right.
229
00:09:54,901 --> 00:09:56,367
She's his sister-in-law.
230
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:57,367
I'll take her.
231
00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,567
Bernice, are you all right?
232
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,567
My sister's dead.
233
00:10:02,634 --> 00:10:04,934
Ye-Yeah, I'm-I'm Bernice.
234
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,934
Uh, I mean, I-I'm...
I'm all right, yeah.
235
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:08,934
Thanks.
236
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:16,267
Bernice, there's something
different about you.
237
00:10:16,334 --> 00:10:18,467
It's... just so hard
238
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:22,133
seeing my sweet brother-in-law
so weak, so frail.
239
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,801
How could I live
without his sweet voice,
240
00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:26,934
his sunny smile,
his kindness
241
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,934
or his shoulder to cry on?
242
00:10:30,434 --> 00:10:34,367
Bernice, perhaps you should
check in for a few days,
243
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,033
get a full workup.
244
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,267
Uh... no, no, no,
245
00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:38,934
I'm all right, but, uh...
246
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:39,934
(coughs)
247
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,868
I could use a little water.
248
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,534
Be right back.
249
00:10:44,601 --> 00:10:46,801
Oh, what have I
gotten myself into?
250
00:10:46,868 --> 00:10:49,801
I better leave before I
screw up your life even more.
251
00:10:49,868 --> 00:10:50,801
Beatrice...
252
00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:51,834
(gasps)
253
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,767
Beatrice... you're back.
254
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:56,133
Beatrice...
255
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,033
Is it possible
that his belief
256
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:01,033
that you're the reincarnation
of his dead wife
257
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,767
is what's
keeping him alive?
258
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:04,434
Oh, that's preposter...
259
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:06,434
Must stay alive...
260
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,434
Be with Beatrice.
261
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,267
It's all that...
keeps me going.
262
00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,200
Interesting theory.
263
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:16,534
Even this partial awakening
is a very hopeful sign.
264
00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,934
If he can stay alert
through the night,
265
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,467
he could recover fully.
266
00:11:20,534 --> 00:11:23,400
To help him, you must
pretend to be Beatrice.
267
00:11:23,467 --> 00:11:26,634
It may sound like a weird
sitcom plot contrivance,
268
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:29,033
but it's the only way
to save his life.
269
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,033
But I can't, I-I...
270
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,100
I'll arrange for you
271
00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:32,367
to stay round-the-clock.
272
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:37,801
Beatrice, are you there?
273
00:11:37,868 --> 00:11:39,801
Yes, uh...
274
00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:42,601
yes, I-I am,
uh... sweetie.
275
00:11:42,667 --> 00:11:45,200
Uh, uh... "sweetie."
276
00:11:45,267 --> 00:11:47,434
Never called that before.
277
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:49,701
Wh-What did I used
to call you?
278
00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:52,501
You know, my first name.
279
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:55,901
No one knows it but you,
and no one ever will.
280
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,234
I hate it.
281
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,868
Everyone made fun of it
when I was a kid.
282
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:01,100
"Eric."
283
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,901
Eric.
284
00:12:02,968 --> 00:12:04,334
Icky Eric.
285
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,400
"Eric Duckman" is a nice, uh...
286
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:09,734
so, what does Bernice call you?
287
00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:12,901
Uh... "tufted," "turd-toned,"
288
00:12:12,968 --> 00:12:16,601
"ptomaine-tainted,"
"tally-tugging," but...
289
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,100
I know she likes me.
290
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,033
What makes you so sure?
291
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,567
Because you love me.
292
00:12:21,634 --> 00:12:25,701
Too much of you in Bernice
for her not to love me, too.
293
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,000
What do you remember
most about me?
294
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:32,100
The way your hair smells
when I spill beer in it.
295
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:34,667
The way you hold my head
when I spew.
296
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:37,534
The way you plug your ears
with your fingers
297
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:41,133
when I scream, "Shake it, baby!"
at passers-by.
298
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,200
Ah, you never forget
your honeymoon.
299
00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:44,701
(chuckles)
300
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:47,100
I could... always
make you laugh.
301
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,501
I'm very lucky to have
found a... husband
302
00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,434
who loves me
as much as you do.
303
00:12:52,968 --> 00:12:55,067
I love you, Beatrice.
304
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:57,067
Beatrice loves you, too.
305
00:13:02,634 --> 00:13:03,901
Oh!
306
00:13:03,968 --> 00:13:06,267
No, I don't want a kiss,
Colonel Klink!
307
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:07,601
Kiss Lebeau instead.
308
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:09,267
Hey, shh... it's okay.
309
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:10,434
You're dreaming.
310
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:12,901
I'm here. It's
Bever...trice.
311
00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:14,067
(sighs)
312
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:15,400
Bevertrice.
313
00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:17,234
AJAX (in distance):
I just heard Aunt Bernice.
314
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,968
Dad's room must
be this way.
315
00:13:19,033 --> 00:13:22,300
MAMBO:
Ajax, we just talked to Aunt
Bernice in Washington.
316
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:23,434
She can't be here.
317
00:13:25,334 --> 00:13:26,601
(clears throat)
318
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:30,601
(deep voice):
Boys, this is Dr. Stein.
319
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,334
I can't permit you to come in.
320
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,367
I...
321
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,200
Oh, hi.
322
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:37,701
(nervous chuckle)
323
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:38,968
Hi.
324
00:13:39,033 --> 00:13:41,567
Would you mind telling
me who you are?
325
00:13:41,634 --> 00:13:42,901
(nervous chuckle)
326
00:13:42,968 --> 00:13:45,234
Uh... long story.
327
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:51,934
CHARLES:
This is so exciting.
328
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,300
MAMBO:
Coming homewith a new aunt.
329
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,801
BEVERLY:
And a sick father.
330
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,467
Ajax, be careful carrying him.
331
00:13:57,534 --> 00:14:00,634
Dr. Stein said that he's stilldisoriented and semi-conscious.
332
00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:01,734
(thud)
333
00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:04,434
Okay, unconscious.
334
00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:06,434
(flies buzzing)
335
00:14:06,501 --> 00:14:08,133
Well, that's unusual--
336
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,367
having a compost
heap indoors.
337
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:11,868
It's Dad's bedroom.
338
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:14,734
Ah. Well, since
Bernice is out of town
339
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:17,868
would her room be
a little less, oh, maggoty?
340
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,801
Aunt Beverly, how long do we
have to pretend you're mom?
341
00:14:22,868 --> 00:14:24,033
Dr. Stein said
342
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:25,934
your father's full
recovery depends
343
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,767
on my doing whatever your
mother would have done.
344
00:14:32,801 --> 00:14:34,467
Beatrice...
345
00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:36,167
my angel...
346
00:14:36,234 --> 00:14:38,234
could you...?
347
00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,467
(whispering)
348
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:41,701
Oh, my God!
349
00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:44,067
Actually, that sounds, uh...
350
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,033
No, no, no, no,
I couldn't.
351
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,133
I mean, of course I will.
352
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,868
But, dear,
you should rest first.
353
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,767
I can't, shnooky-lumps
354
00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:56,200
at least not till
I see you strapped in.
355
00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:58,968
Thank God Bernice isn't hereto see this.
356
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,734
Oh, Aunt Bernice just arrived.
357
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:06,400
We can introduce
her to Beverly.
358
00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:08,767
Hey, we were going
to the bathroom.
359
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:09,968
This is more important.
360
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:12,067
No, it isn't!
I gotta go!
361
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:14,200
So, who's stopping you?
362
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:16,167
(choking)
363
00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:19,100
Ajax, just the
person I need.
364
00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:22,567
Yoiks. I hear that less often
than one might think.
365
00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:25,868
Look, your father asked me
to, uh, do something
366
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:28,634
your mother used to, uh, do.
367
00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:30,200
Play "training the poodle"?
368
00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:32,868
Well, yeah, but before
becoming intimate with a man
369
00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:35,534
I like to, you know,
not be his sister-in-law.
370
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,767
Look, I'm sure
he'll fall asleep soon.
371
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:40,067
I'll put on one
of Bernice's nightgowns
372
00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:41,767
and act like
I'll be with him
373
00:15:41,834 --> 00:15:44,467
but you keep coming by
and saying you need me
374
00:15:44,534 --> 00:15:45,868
for different
things, okay?
375
00:15:45,934 --> 00:15:48,234
A-OK, Aunt Beverly.
376
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,400
She's not here.
Can I go now?
377
00:15:55,467 --> 00:15:57,000
Kitchen.
378
00:15:59,601 --> 00:16:01,400
Charles?
379
00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:02,801
Mambo?
380
00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:04,100
Ajax?
381
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:05,934
Did you call my name?
382
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,334
No.
383
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,868
Did you see
Aunt Bernice?
384
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,133
No.
385
00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:15,601
(laughing lewdly)
386
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:17,601
(thud, groan)
387
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,834
Duckman, in your delirium
388
00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:26,167
you must have been
packing to leave.
389
00:16:26,234 --> 00:16:27,968
Beatrice,
do you still remember
390
00:16:28,033 --> 00:16:30,334
how you'd start off
a night of passion
391
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,300
by hitting me with a suitcase.
392
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,367
I can't believe
I'm getting in bed with a man
393
00:16:34,434 --> 00:16:35,801
and no Riunite
has changed hands.
394
00:16:35,868 --> 00:16:37,200
(knock on door)
Hi.
395
00:16:37,267 --> 00:16:41,400
Sorry to interrupt,
but I'm, uh, on fire.
396
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,300
Honey, I am so sorry.
397
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,634
Here. Let me put you out.
398
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,501
(clicks tongue)
(screams)
399
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:56,901
Sorority Scream-Fest?
400
00:16:56,968 --> 00:16:59,634
Ooh, we haven't done that
since Live Aid.
401
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:02,667
Duckman, you turd-toned,
ptomaine-tainted, tally tugger--
402
00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:04,434
What in the name
of all that's unholy
403
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:07,567
are you doing in my bed?!
404
00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:10,300
Samsonite.
405
00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:13,300
Aunt Bernice!
Aunt Bernice!
406
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,868
No, this is merely
our new Aunt Beverly
407
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:18,033
in our old Aunt
Bernice's clothes,
408
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,634
pretending to be
our dead mom Beatrice.
409
00:17:20,701 --> 00:17:23,834
If I can keep it straight,
you can.
410
00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:25,901
But I saw Aunt Bernice
come in the house.
411
00:17:25,968 --> 00:17:27,267
Hallucination.
Happens all the time.
412
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:28,834
Let's go to the bathroom.
413
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:30,133
Bernice might be here?
414
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,467
Let's spread out
and find her.
415
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:32,801
MAMBO:
No!
416
00:17:32,868 --> 00:17:35,667
Wait. I'm still trying
to spread out.
417
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:44,434
Um... radioactive mice?
418
00:17:44,501 --> 00:17:45,534
What?
419
00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:47,367
Uh, an evil scientist
420
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,634
has just turned all our mice
into monsters
421
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:55,701
that, um, can only be defeated
by, uh, someone in a nightgown.
422
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:58,968
Whew! I am on today.
423
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:00,801
Ajax, what are you
talking about?
424
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:02,300
Ooh!
425
00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:03,801
Come and show me.
426
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:06,634
Nice hit,
but it's better with luggage.
427
00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:08,734
Look at that.
428
00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:11,567
He is literally crawling
on his hands and knees
429
00:18:11,634 --> 00:18:14,067
to have perverted sex
with his dead wife.
430
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:17,200
I'm deeply moved, yet sickened.
431
00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:19,534
Duckman, are you all right?
432
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:22,067
Buttercup! Ilsa!
433
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,701
You've come home!
434
00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:26,367
Duckman, no, I can't
do this. I'm...
435
00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:28,734
Shy? Out of condoms? Conscious?
436
00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:30,734
Not Beatrice.
437
00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:33,234
Lamby-poo,
have you lost your mind?
438
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,467
Because I want you to know,
even if I have you committed,
439
00:18:35,534 --> 00:18:37,400
I'll be willing to boink you
on visiting days.
440
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:38,968
It's a Hallmark moment.
441
00:18:39,033 --> 00:18:41,734
But, Duckman, I have
something to tell you
442
00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:44,133
and, uh, it could be
a bit of a shock.
443
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,601
I'm not your wife.
444
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,167
She died a long time ago.
445
00:18:47,234 --> 00:18:48,501
Don't talk crazy.
446
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,767
Of course you're alive. See?
447
00:18:50,834 --> 00:18:51,767
There you are.
448
00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:53,167
Hah?
449
00:18:53,234 --> 00:18:55,200
(gasping)
450
00:18:57,601 --> 00:18:59,267
Who are you?
451
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:00,300
She's Beatrice.
452
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,300
No, I'm not.
453
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:02,367
Yes, you are.
454
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:03,834
She knows who she is,
you moron!
455
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:04,834
I'm your sister.
456
00:19:04,901 --> 00:19:06,467
No, you're not!
457
00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:07,934
There she is.
458
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,100
Can you at least
tell her quickly.
459
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:10,234
Aunt Beverly
is your other sister
460
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,501
who got misplaced
in the hospital,
461
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:12,934
so she hired a detective
to find you
462
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,067
but she accidentally
injured Dad,
463
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:15,400
so she had to pretend
to be Mom.
464
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,033
Thanks.
Can we please go?
465
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,367
I buy the stuff about the sister
and the hospital
466
00:19:19,434 --> 00:19:20,701
and the accident
467
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:22,868
but how would a detective
be able to find people?
468
00:19:22,934 --> 00:19:24,167
Other sister?!
469
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,734
But if that's true, do
you know what it means?
470
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:28,534
Threesome?
471
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,701
We're triplets!
We're triplets!
472
00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:33,734
Oh, after all these years,
I can't believe I found you.
473
00:19:33,801 --> 00:19:36,834
After all these years,
I can't believe you exist.
474
00:19:36,901 --> 00:19:38,667
But there's so much to tell.
475
00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,067
Do you know about...?
476
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,801
Beatrice. Yes, it's horrible.
477
00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:43,968
I know.
478
00:19:44,033 --> 00:19:46,300
And then after marrying
Duckman, she died.
479
00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:48,300
AJAX:
Mudslide!
480
00:19:48,367 --> 00:19:50,501
It's okay now, Ajax!
481
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:51,834
You've met the children?
482
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:53,200
Oh, they're wonderful.
483
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:54,667
Where are you staying?
484
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:55,868
No, don't answer that.
Right here.
485
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,701
In fact,
now that I'm a congresswoman
486
00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,534
and obligated to attend
$1,000-a-plate
487
00:19:59,601 --> 00:20:01,367
prayer breakfasts every morning,
maybe you could help
488
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,133
look after the kids
till you get settled.
489
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,467
Oh, Bernice, could I?
490
00:20:04,534 --> 00:20:05,634
You wouldn't mind?
491
00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:07,434
Aw, that'd be great.
492
00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:09,033
Ooh, stop jumping.
493
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,000
AJAX:
Um, meteorite!
494
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,834
A meteorite
just fell on me!
495
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:17,167
Ajax, you don't need
to do that anymore!
496
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:21,067
AJAX (weakly):
Okay.
497
00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:22,400
Never mind.
498
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:29,934
Oh...
499
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,067
Hi.
500
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:32,234
Getting a snack?
501
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:33,701
Ah, look, I, uh...
502
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:36,834
I've been thinking
about what you did, and...
503
00:20:36,901 --> 00:20:39,400
Yeah, hey, I'm sorry, really.
504
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:40,634
Sorry?
505
00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:43,400
You didn't even know me
and you stayed with me,
506
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:45,200
talked with me,
helped me recover.
507
00:20:45,267 --> 00:20:46,968
You saved my life.
508
00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:51,133
No, but I, but I felt so bad,
pretending to be Beatrice.
509
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,234
It was wonderful.
510
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:53,968
It was like
she was alive again.
511
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:56,334
I wish I could have
seen you two together.
512
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,834
Yeah, we were something.
513
00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,234
Uh, Beverly,
514
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,467
I don't remember exactly
what I talked about
515
00:21:01,534 --> 00:21:02,734
when I thought
you were Beatrice.
516
00:21:02,801 --> 00:21:06,434
Did I say anything,
you know... private?
517
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,267
No, not really.
518
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:09,634
Even if you did say
something intimate or private,
519
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:11,434
I've long since forgotten it.
520
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:12,567
Whew!
521
00:21:12,634 --> 00:21:14,868
Well, good night, Beverly.
522
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,400
Good night, Eric.
523
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:19,400
(gasp, glass breaking)
524
00:21:19,467 --> 00:21:21,167
(plate clattering)
525
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:29,334
(squishing, paddles
rubbing together)
526
00:21:45,734 --> 00:21:48,367
(more squishing,
then more rubbing)
527
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:53,834
DOCTOR:
Clear.
528
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,501
DUCKMAN:
Buttercup! Ilsa!
36024
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