Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:03,067
(door creaks open)
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,067
(whistles)
3
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,567
(duck quacks)
4
00:00:37,601 --> 00:00:40,000
(sirens wailing in distance)
5
00:00:44,734 --> 00:00:48,300
Welcome to O'McManohan's
Old-Fashioned Pub Incorporated.
6
00:00:48,334 --> 00:00:51,033
May I tell you
about our fun, fun specials
7
00:00:51,067 --> 00:00:53,734
like our all-you-can-eat-
shuffle-off-to-buffalo wings,
8
00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:57,868
our baby-oh-baby back ribs,
or our leaning tower of pizza?
9
00:00:57,901 --> 00:00:59,033
Get it?
10
00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:00,133
"Pizza."
11
00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:03,033
Save your Co2, Pee-Wee,
12
00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:05,267
because nothing could be
more special to me
13
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:07,000
than your finest malt liquor.
14
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:10,000
By the way, it just to happens
to be all our birthdays tonight,
15
00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:11,334
so keep bringing
the complimentary
16
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:13,834
chilled monkey brains,
or whatever it is you people do.
17
00:01:13,868 --> 00:01:16,167
And I'll have a Shirley Temple.
18
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,701
I suppose you'll want
to see some I.D.
19
00:01:18,734 --> 00:01:22,000
Only if you're applying for
the senior citizen's discount.
20
00:01:22,033 --> 00:01:23,434
Eh-heh-heh-heh.
21
00:01:23,467 --> 00:01:25,801
(mimicking):
Eh-heh-heh-heh.
22
00:01:26,801 --> 00:01:28,868
(screams)
23
00:01:34,834 --> 00:01:36,200
'Fess up, Dad.
24
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:38,334
Why'd you take us
out to dinner tonight?
25
00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:40,200
To swipe a few tips
off the tables?
26
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:43,033
To steal bottles
from the dumpster
for the recycling money?
27
00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:45,100
To fall face first
into the urinal
28
00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:47,367
just so you could sue
the restaurant?
29
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,033
Face first...
30
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,934
urinal.
31
00:01:50,968 --> 00:01:52,934
Well, they're all
pretty good suggestions,
32
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:54,934
but the real honest-to-Godfrey
reason we're here
33
00:01:54,968 --> 00:01:56,634
is to spend more
quality time
34
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:57,968
as a family unit.
35
00:02:01,701 --> 00:02:03,167
Uh...
36
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,667
and...
37
00:02:04,701 --> 00:02:06,167
so that...
38
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,667
I, uh...
39
00:02:07,701 --> 00:02:10,100
could, um...
40
00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:12,434
pick up desperate, emotionally
damaged middle-aged women
41
00:02:12,467 --> 00:02:14,667
by pretending to be
a devoted single dad!
42
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,501
(blubbering)
43
00:02:17,534 --> 00:02:19,434
You remind me of
my fourth husband
44
00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:21,501
right before he
blew his brains out.
45
00:02:21,534 --> 00:02:23,000
(wheezing cough)
46
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:24,567
Buy me a drink?
47
00:02:24,601 --> 00:02:25,868
Be careful, Duckman.
48
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:27,801
A cursory
olfactory analysis
49
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:30,367
of this woman's sweat glands
indicates that decades
50
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,334
of alcohol ingestion have
permeated her cellular structure
51
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:36,267
and made her a prime candidate
for spontaneous combustion.
52
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,734
Say what?
53
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:44,801
Oh... my...
dear, sweet Lord!
54
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,100
So, who wants
potato skins?
55
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,367
Um, perhaps the best way
56
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,601
to take our minds off the smell
of burning flesh
57
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:54,200
is to begin
tonight's karaoke contest!
58
00:02:54,234 --> 00:02:55,868
(audience exclaiming excitedly)
59
00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,567
Hot, steaming diggity.
60
00:02:57,601 --> 00:03:00,033
I'd like to sing
some Beethoven.
61
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,300
Ajax, you can't karaoke
to Beethoven.
62
00:03:02,334 --> 00:03:04,300
You need something
with lyrics.
63
00:03:04,334 --> 00:03:05,634
(laughing)
64
00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:08,200
And to think
I've been practicing
65
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:10,000
my whole life.
66
00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:13,467
(sound of orchestra playing
Beethoven's Ode To Joy)
67
00:03:16,934 --> 00:03:18,234
(music stops)
68
00:03:18,267 --> 00:03:19,767
What do you say,
Corn Syrup?
69
00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:22,367
Blow their minds
with our patented
Sonny and Cher medley?
70
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,901
I'd love to, except
my sequined squaw outfit's
71
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,567
still at the cleaner's.
72
00:03:26,601 --> 00:03:28,067
Well, then let's focus
all our energies
73
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,067
into making sure you-know-who
doesn't head up there and...
74
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:32,167
BERNICE (over mic):
Evening, folks.
How you doing tonight?
75
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:32,934
Waah!
76
00:03:32,968 --> 00:03:34,400
I'd like to start off
77
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:35,734
with a song
78
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:37,968
by one of our country's
greatest natural resources,
79
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,234
Mr. Marvin Hamlisch.
80
00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:42,334
(screaming)
MAN: No! No!
81
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:45,334
(all clamoring)
82
00:03:45,367 --> 00:03:46,667
Sorry, lady.
83
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:48,501
We don't have
any Hamlisch.
84
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:53,300
Then, uh, perhaps
something by, um...
85
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,934
Oh, I don't know, uh,
Andrew Lloyd Webber?
86
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:59,100
(audience screaming, gunshots)
87
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:01,400
No Webber! No Webber!
88
00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:02,701
(screaming stops)
89
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,601
Maybe you should tell me
what songs you do have.
90
00:04:08,634 --> 00:04:10,334
Since we put
all our profits
91
00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:13,000
into buying more
umbrellas for our
fun, fun drinks,
92
00:04:13,033 --> 00:04:14,834
the only karaoke
song we have is
93
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:16,467
"Pop! Goes the Weasel."
94
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:21,667
(intro to
"Pop! Goes the Weasel" plays)
95
00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:25,667
Maybe we should slow things
down a bit.
96
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,634
(slow, romantic intro begins)
97
00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:34,667
(in sultry voice):
* All around the mulberry bush
98
00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:37,334
* The monkey chased
99
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:39,334
* The weasel
100
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:44,534
* The monkey thought
it was all in fun *
101
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:46,200
(breathy):
* Pop!
102
00:04:46,234 --> 00:04:47,734
* Goes
103
00:04:47,767 --> 00:04:50,868
* The weasel.
104
00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:52,267
(cricket chirping)
105
00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:58,200
Karaoke-- Japan's cruelest
invention since hari-kari.
106
00:04:58,234 --> 00:04:59,634
(audience laughing)
107
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:00,734
Duckman, please.
108
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,167
But I want to tell you--
109
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,467
Greenpeace ought to ban
"wailing" like that.
110
00:05:04,501 --> 00:05:07,067
Duckman, I am
warning you!
111
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:10,100
Man, I've heard sweeter-sounding
death rattles.
112
00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:13,267
Yeah, you got a trained voice...
and it derailed.
113
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:14,868
Polyps want a cracker?
114
00:05:14,901 --> 00:05:16,267
That is it!
115
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:18,634
(rhythmic cadence):
For years you've mocked me!
116
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:20,634
Well, I don't have
to take your crap--
117
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,000
those putdowns and insults!
118
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:25,000
Well, I don't have
to take your crap,
119
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,734
you craven oaf,
you witless dope!
120
00:05:27,767 --> 00:05:29,901
I don't have
to take your crap!
121
00:05:29,934 --> 00:05:32,734
(applause and cheering)
122
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,334
(whistling)
123
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,734
Hey, there, I'm Rube Richter,
124
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,634
President of
Def Mute Records.
125
00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:39,334
Never before
have I heard anyone
126
00:05:39,367 --> 00:05:41,067
so passionately
articulate the anger
127
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:42,601
of today's
modern-day woman.
128
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,367
You're like
Alannis Morissette--
129
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,000
only much less
weird-looking.
130
00:05:46,033 --> 00:05:48,133
Why exactly are you
telling me this?
131
00:05:48,167 --> 00:05:49,634
First thing tomorrow,
132
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:51,267
I want you
in the studio
133
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,067
so we can get
these rants on record.
134
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:56,167
Baby, I'm going
to make you a star.
135
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:57,701
Me?
136
00:05:57,734 --> 00:05:59,534
A star?
137
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:03,067
(melodramatic music playing)
138
00:06:11,534 --> 00:06:14,834
Me... a star.
139
00:06:14,868 --> 00:06:19,801
(dreamy music playing)
140
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,534
Knock it off!
141
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:25,734
Bernice, this here's
your producer-engineer,
142
00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:27,400
Street Daddy Crip.
143
00:06:27,434 --> 00:06:28,400
Word up.
144
00:06:28,434 --> 00:06:30,400
Just lay down
what you did last night,
145
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:32,067
and we'll be
on top of the charts,
146
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,400
number one with a bullet.
147
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,234
Do people still use those
archaic expressions?
148
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:38,767
Take a chill pill, Daddy-O.
(clicks tongue)
149
00:06:38,801 --> 00:06:42,701
(hip-hop/techno rock blend)
150
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:45,501
(rhythmically challenged):
* For years,
you have mocked me *
151
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,834
* Well, I simply
will not take it anymore *
152
00:06:48,868 --> 00:06:51,200
* And I'm quite serious
about that... *
153
00:06:51,234 --> 00:06:53,534
(stammering)
154
00:06:53,567 --> 00:06:55,567
* Shut your mouth,
close your trap *
155
00:06:55,601 --> 00:06:57,601
* Shut your mouth,
close your trap *
156
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:58,968
* Shut your mouth...
157
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,267
Something's wrong here.
158
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:02,801
Something's missing.
159
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:06,734
I've heard more passion
from a Narcoleptic Quaker.
160
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:08,534
I still can't believe
that never sold.
161
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:10,367
This recipe for success
162
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,968
is missing
one very pungent ingredient.
163
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,567
(indifferently):
* For years, you've mocked me *
164
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,167
* Well, I don't have
to take your crap... *
165
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,634
(yawning)
166
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:24,367
Oh, Bernice,
that was you.
167
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,033
I thought I stumbled into some
sort of a sonic slaughterhouse.
168
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:29,367
(with more energy):
* Those putdowns and insults!
169
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,801
* Well, I don't have
to take your crap! *
170
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,300
Wonderful, Bernice.
Just wonderful.
171
00:07:33,334 --> 00:07:36,033
Shed a few hundred pounds,
you'll be the next Mama Cass.
172
00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:40,300
(snarling ferocity):
* You craven oaf,
you witless dope! *
173
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,133
* I don't have
to take your crap! *
174
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:44,801
(slurping)
175
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:46,934
RICHTER:
Congratulations!
176
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:48,934
According to the latest
SoundScansurvey,
177
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,934
you just recorded
the number-one song
178
00:07:50,968 --> 00:07:52,234
(popping)
in the country.
179
00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:58,667
Now get ready for "Bernice:
The Hear-Her-Roar Tour."
180
00:07:58,701 --> 00:08:01,033
32 cities plus Fresno.
181
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:02,300
ALL:
A tour?
182
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:03,634
Well, I guess
this is it.
183
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:05,033
Wish I could have gotten
to know you better
184
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:06,167
but between your
constant putdowns,
185
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,801
and my unusual
bathroom habits--
186
00:08:07,834 --> 00:08:10,133
well, sometimes these things
work out, sometimes they don't.
187
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:12,000
Arrivederci, Roma.
It's time we say...
188
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,434
Actually, Duckman,
we'd like you to join the tour
189
00:08:14,467 --> 00:08:19,200
as, uh, Director of, um...
Motivational Services.
190
00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:22,934
Uh-huh, let me make sure
the chronic caterwauling
191
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:24,434
hasn't burst my eardrums.
192
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:28,334
Did you just say you want me
to accompany her on...?
193
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,701
Hmm... Franklin
discovered electricity,
194
00:08:30,734 --> 00:08:33,067
but what if I need
a stove, too?
195
00:08:34,634 --> 00:08:36,934
And an almanac.
196
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:39,067
What exactly are my duties?
197
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:42,200
You'll earn a weekly salary
by tapping into Bernice's psyche
198
00:08:42,234 --> 00:08:43,801
channeling
her pain and...
199
00:08:43,834 --> 00:08:45,567
Just keep cheesing her off,
okay?
200
00:08:45,601 --> 00:08:47,968
Well, Lord knows
I'll give it a try.
201
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,801
Now, if you'd kindly point me
toward the powder room,
202
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:51,968
I got me a mike
stand to pass.
203
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,801
I hate to spoil the party,
204
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,033
but I never agreed
to any tour.
205
00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,701
Recording the song was fun,
206
00:08:58,734 --> 00:09:00,400
but abandoning my role
as surrogate mom
207
00:09:00,434 --> 00:09:01,634
for a full-time ride
208
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,968
on the sweaty underbelly
of rock 'n' roll?
209
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,000
I'm sorry, Rube,
but I'll have to say no.
210
00:09:07,033 --> 00:09:10,067
But Aunt Bernice, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
211
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,601
Good point.
212
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,901
You can reach people
through the power of music,
213
00:09:13,934 --> 00:09:15,234
change their very lives.
214
00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:16,701
What he said.
215
00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:19,300
And the kiddies
can tag along and
see the country.
216
00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:20,601
23 skiddoos!
All right!
217
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,133
Praise the Lord.
218
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,000
Just know that anytime you feel
you've had enough,
219
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,601
say the word and we'll go
straight home. Deal?
220
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,434
Deal!
Deal!
221
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:29,934
Uh-uh-uh.
222
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:31,767
Put the hugs
on hold, Bernice.
223
00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:33,534
It's makeover time.
224
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:38,100
Blood-splattered tiara?
225
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:40,100
Mud-stained combat boots?
226
00:09:40,133 --> 00:09:42,601
Dirty, sweaty wedding dress?
227
00:09:42,634 --> 00:09:43,934
I don't know, Rube.
228
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:45,868
Do you really think this is me?
229
00:09:45,901 --> 00:09:48,501
Bernice, from the moment
I first saw your face,
230
00:09:48,534 --> 00:09:51,968
I knew you were more special
than special could possibly be.
231
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,801
If you'll just place yourself
under my tutelage,
232
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:57,200
well, I'll make you
the shiniest star
233
00:09:57,234 --> 00:10:01,567
on this whirly-twirly
teacup ride we call life.
234
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,300
Oh, do you really mean that,
Rube?
235
00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:07,634
It's not just some shameless,
self-serving lie?
236
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:11,400
Baby! I'm a record company
executive.
237
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:44,167
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder
and this is MTV News.
238
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,901
Def Mute's unlikely new
recording artist, Bernice,
239
00:10:46,934 --> 00:10:49,601
is causing quite a stir
on the club scene lately.
240
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:52,467
Female audiences everywhere
can't seem to get enough
241
00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:54,133
of the snarling chanteuse's
242
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:56,868
"Mess With Me, Guys,
And I'll Mess With You" lyrics.
243
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,501
(upbeat music playing)
244
00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:00,000
BERNICE:
* I'll tear your arms off *
245
00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:01,601
* And your legs off
246
00:11:01,634 --> 00:11:03,801
* And your (bleep) off
247
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:07,033
* And then I'll make you
eat them *
248
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:10,133
* I'll make you eat them *
249
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:13,300
* I'll make you
eat them *
250
00:11:13,334 --> 00:11:16,133
* I'll make you eat them! *
251
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:19,100
* I'll make you eat them!! *
252
00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:21,934
* I'll make you eat them!!! *
253
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:25,133
* I'll make you eat them! *
254
00:11:35,534 --> 00:11:37,801
Bernice's popularity
continues to grow.
255
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:39,400
Legions of female fans,
256
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:42,167
or "Bernicians"
as they prefer to be called,
257
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,934
are emulating
their outspoken spokesperson.
258
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:49,400
She, like, totally understands
our anger against guys.
259
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:52,200
* Hate you, hate you, hate you,
hate you, hate you *
260
00:11:52,234 --> 00:11:55,033
* Hate you, hate you,
hate you, hate you, hate you *
261
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,267
* Hate you, hate you
262
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,701
* H-a-a-ate you!
263
00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:02,701
Oh, I love her lyrics,
especially the "hate" part.
264
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,934
I don't know,
like, how she does it--
265
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:06,667
like, what her secret is.
266
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:11,467
Well, it's official.
267
00:12:11,501 --> 00:12:12,634
The country's come down
268
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,834
with a serious case
of Bernice fever.
269
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,767
It's hard to pick up
a magazine lately
270
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:19,868
and not see the dynamic diva'sface on the cover.
271
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,367
Will this tour
ever end?
272
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,767
Seems like
we were born
on this bus.
273
00:12:31,801 --> 00:12:33,100
But look on the bright side.
274
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,300
I've been able to moon people
in 28 states.
275
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,667
(unzips zipper)
DUCKMAN: Make that 29!
276
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:42,000
As Bernice continues
to climb the charts,
277
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:44,300
she transcends the boundaries
of pop music
278
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:46,467
to become a bona fide
social phenomenon.
279
00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:49,834
Nancy from Secaucus, New Jersey,
writes:
280
00:12:49,868 --> 00:12:52,167
"Dear Casey,
after all these years,
281
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,767
"I finally realized
282
00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:57,133
"that my husband is a lying,
cheating sack of filth.
283
00:12:57,167 --> 00:13:00,267
"I'd like nothing more
than to flamb� his 'nads
284
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,367
"and serve them
to all my guests.
285
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,367
"So, Casey, for that special
person I hate so much,
286
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,367
"please play
'Burn In Hell, My Baby',
287
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,701
"the latest song
288
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:14,767
by that vociferous voice
of my generation: Bernice."
289
00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:16,934
(Bernice screaming)
290
00:13:16,968 --> 00:13:19,367
LODER:
And stay tuned for tonight's
MTV Music Awards
291
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,234
featuring performancesby Soundgarden,
292
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,400
Smithereens,the liver of David Crosby
293
00:13:23,434 --> 00:13:26,234
and the long-awaitedtelevision debut of Bernice.
294
00:13:29,801 --> 00:13:33,000
Aunt Bernice, since you have
a few hours before the awards,
295
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:35,334
we were hoping to do
a little sightseeing.
296
00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:38,033
I'm burned out, dudes.
297
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,634
We hardly see
you anymore.
298
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:41,300
Even Courtney Love says
299
00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:43,868
you're a reckless and
irresponsible parent.
300
00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:46,033
And that you wear
too much makeup.
301
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:49,601
Hey, boy... it's tough on top.
302
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:53,667
You try being responsible
for this tour and this record
303
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:56,033
and having
that damn Annie Leibovitz
304
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:58,467
follow you everywhere you go.
305
00:14:00,234 --> 00:14:01,367
And another thing,
306
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,934
I don't know quite
how to say this,
307
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:05,133
but you've been partying
an awful lot lately.
308
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,200
When was the last time
you worked out?
309
00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:08,767
Well, things got pretty sweaty
310
00:14:08,801 --> 00:14:11,300
between me and Cypress Hill
last night.
311
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,267
Aunt Bernice,
let's go home.
312
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:16,534
We want things to be
the way they were before.
313
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:17,868
Please?
314
00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,467
(door opens)
315
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:22,434
(fans yelling and screaming)
316
00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:27,501
Aunt Bernice
Aunt Bernice!
Aunt Bernice!
317
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,133
Don't go!
Wait!
What about us?
318
00:14:29,167 --> 00:14:30,467
Please! Come back.
319
00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:31,934
(audience cheering)
320
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,133
Well, we finally
made it, Corn--
321
00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:43,667
the MTV Awards.
322
00:14:43,701 --> 00:14:45,501
Can't wait
until Bush performs.
323
00:14:45,534 --> 00:14:47,667
I didn't know Bush
was your favorite band.
324
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:50,067
It's a band?
325
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,934
Hey, Ice-T, did you see
that one coming, too?
326
00:14:52,968 --> 00:14:55,200
All the way down Sunset, man.
327
00:14:55,234 --> 00:14:56,667
We've got trouble.
328
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:58,167
It's Aunt Bernice.
329
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,868
Okay. What'd she do
this time?
330
00:14:59,901 --> 00:15:01,801
Belittle
her befuddled assistants?
331
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,267
Punch out more paparazzi?
332
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:04,868
Throw up in Kennedy's hair?
333
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:06,634
That was all you, Dad.
334
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,067
I threw up on Kennedy?
335
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:09,334
(gagging)
336
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,400
Aunt Bernice
is starting to
lose herself.
337
00:15:11,434 --> 00:15:13,501
She's being seduced
by the decadence
338
00:15:13,534 --> 00:15:15,400
and narcissism
of rock 'n' roll.
339
00:15:15,434 --> 00:15:17,234
We want to go home.
340
00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:19,601
Wait, whoa, stop, huh?
Are you saying
341
00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:21,467
you've sopped up enough
of the Bernice gravy train?
342
00:15:21,501 --> 00:15:23,167
Kidulas, this is
the very best thing
343
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,267
that's ever happened to us.
344
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:27,367
Hey, we're hanging out
with Tommy Lee!
345
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,767
But none of it's
worth anything
346
00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:30,901
if Aunt Bernice has
to pay the price.
347
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:33,367
Uh, no offense,
Tommy.
348
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:37,067
(sobbing)
349
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:40,300
Dad, we're afraid if
Aunt Bernice keeps this up,
350
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:42,000
we may lose her forever.
351
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:43,667
DUCKMAN:
Whoo-hoo!
352
00:15:43,701 --> 00:15:46,100
Duckman, if anything
should happen to Bernice,
353
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:49,000
you'll be left with her
familial and domestic duties.
354
00:15:49,033 --> 00:15:51,067
You'll be in charge
of all the cooking and cleaning,
355
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,968
feeding Grandma-Ma,
raising Ajax, Charles and Mambo.
356
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,467
Bilbo.
Whatever.
357
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:57,200
Whatever. You'll be
the sole parent, Duckman,
358
00:15:57,234 --> 00:15:59,200
responsible for them
24 hours a day,
359
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:01,100
seven days a week,
every single day
360
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:02,434
for the rest of your life,
361
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:03,434
(echoing): life, life, life...
362
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:05,501
Bernice,
don't fear the Reaper!
363
00:16:05,534 --> 00:16:07,234
I'm a-coming to save you!
364
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:11,667
Uh, lay some sugar
on me, Ruby baby.
365
00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:13,767
Yeah, I'd like that.
366
00:16:13,801 --> 00:16:14,934
I really would,
367
00:16:14,968 --> 00:16:16,300
but I've got to
conduct some, uh...
368
00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:18,834
important music
mogul thingies.
369
00:16:21,634 --> 00:16:24,734
Bernice don't need you!
370
00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:27,000
Bernice don't need anybody!
371
00:16:27,033 --> 00:16:31,734
Bernice number one
in Southeastern Denmark!
372
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,968
Well, well, well...
373
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:39,400
if it isn't
the downy down nut.
374
00:16:39,434 --> 00:16:42,334
Bernice, I know I've said this
every day since we first met,
375
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:43,601
but you look horrible.
376
00:16:43,634 --> 00:16:45,767
How could you be so selfish?
377
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:47,968
Throwing your life away
on booze,
378
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,334
ignoring your family.
379
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:51,667
But have you once
ever thought about me?
380
00:16:51,701 --> 00:16:53,767
I want to go out,
have a few drinks,
381
00:16:53,801 --> 00:16:55,334
get away from the family,
382
00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:57,968
and I can't do that
if you're not there.
383
00:16:58,033 --> 00:16:59,801
Have you no shame?
384
00:16:59,834 --> 00:17:01,300
Now, come on!
We're taking you home,
385
00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:03,901
hosing you down,
and you're making us fish cakes!
386
00:17:03,934 --> 00:17:07,334
How can I be so selfish?!
387
00:17:07,367 --> 00:17:11,033
(screams)
388
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:13,667
Ladies and gentlemen,
389
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,534
uh, Sheryl Crow...
390
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,033
the Black Crowes...
391
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,467
Counting Crows...
392
00:17:18,501 --> 00:17:22,701
and the winner for the least
annoying Crow music is...
393
00:17:22,734 --> 00:17:23,801
(Duckman screams)
394
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,033
(grunting)
395
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,200
(cheering)
396
00:17:26,234 --> 00:17:27,767
EMCEE:
Ladies and gentlemen...
397
00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:30,267
Bernice!
398
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,267
(Duckman groaning and grunting)
(hip-hop/techno rock blend
plays)
399
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,634
See how she loves it?
400
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:37,367
She'll never give up
rock 'n' roll.
401
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,334
I guess it means more
to her than we do.
402
00:17:42,033 --> 00:17:44,000
* You're the one
who ignores your children! *
403
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,767
* You're the one
who puts your needs first! *
404
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:50,701
* All you think about
is me, me, me! *
405
00:17:50,734 --> 00:17:53,334
(crash)
*
406
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:55,834
BERNICE:
Stop the music.
407
00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:58,567
Stop the music!
408
00:17:58,601 --> 00:18:00,701
(music stops)
409
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:05,167
What's happening to me?
410
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,934
My God, what have I been doing?
411
00:18:07,968 --> 00:18:10,267
Keep pounding him, Bernice.
412
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:12,000
Show him who's boss.
413
00:18:12,033 --> 00:18:13,334
AUDIENCE (chanting):
Bernice!
414
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:14,567
Bernice!
415
00:18:14,601 --> 00:18:15,901
Bernice!
416
00:18:15,934 --> 00:18:17,133
Bernice!
417
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,133
Bernice!
418
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:19,133
Bernice!
419
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:20,133
No!
420
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,234
Bernice!
421
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,834
There's another song
I want to sing,
422
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:26,901
and I want to dedicate it
to my nephews.
423
00:18:26,934 --> 00:18:29,501
(soft music playing)
424
00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:32,267
* A child
425
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:36,000
* Is like a flower
426
00:18:36,033 --> 00:18:38,934
* That grows
427
00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:42,834
* Before your eyes
428
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:46,501
* As the seasons pass
429
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:49,200
* Children grow so fast
430
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:52,968
* Soon they're reaching
for the skies *
431
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,501
* And you realize
432
00:18:56,534 --> 00:19:01,701
* It's been home and hearth
all along *
433
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:09,133
* Home and hearth
that make a family strong *
434
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:11,000
* From summer
435
00:19:11,033 --> 00:19:12,968
* To winter
436
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,167
* From spring to fall
437
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:21,667
* It's been home and hearth
all along *
438
00:19:21,701 --> 00:19:23,334
* After...
439
00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:26,400
(audience booing)
440
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,534
Bernice, you
sang about love,
441
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:32,767
commitment, compassion.
442
00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:34,133
Are you insane?
443
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:35,734
People aren't looking
for tenderness
444
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:37,767
in their angry
girrl rockers.
445
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,067
They want blood.
446
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,634
You're finished, Bernice,
wiped out, through!
447
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:45,167
In that case,
let this be my swan song.
448
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:48,334
What am I going to do?
449
00:19:48,367 --> 00:19:49,968
What am I
going to do?!
450
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,868
Stanislaus the janitor tired
451
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:53,601
from the crazy rock stars
452
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:55,834
with their crazy
rock star vomit.
453
00:19:55,868 --> 00:19:58,300
(speaking
foreign gibberish)
454
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:02,100
Wait. That's brilliant.
455
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:03,901
Never before
have I heard anyone
456
00:20:03,934 --> 00:20:05,501
so passionately
articulate the anger
457
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:08,601
of today's modern-day
Eastern European janitors.
458
00:20:08,634 --> 00:20:10,067
Come with me, Stanislaus.
459
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,567
I'm going to
make you a star.
460
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,000
I want to apologize to you kids.
461
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:16,267
We're a family,
462
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,901
and the truth is,
I need you to take care of me
463
00:20:18,934 --> 00:20:20,968
as much as I need
to take care of you.
464
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,400
Now, what do you say
we go home
465
00:20:22,434 --> 00:20:25,901
and return to our old,
wonderfully boring lives?
466
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:28,868
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
467
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:30,100
Excuse me.
468
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:32,100
I'm the governor
of our great state,
469
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:34,200
and I have
some very bad news.
470
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,100
Congressman Kelk has had a fatal
471
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:38,234
and incredibly ironic
heart attack
472
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:40,767
while engaging
in an act of necrophilia.
473
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:41,767
(sniffs)
474
00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:43,501
The only guy I ever voted for...
475
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,267
Democracy sucks.
476
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:47,200
Bernice, while I've
always been aware
477
00:20:47,234 --> 00:20:49,200
of your pain-in-the-ass
civic activism,
478
00:20:49,234 --> 00:20:51,534
you have now also
become the embodiment
479
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:55,000
of, quote, "family values,"
unquote, period.
480
00:20:55,033 --> 00:20:56,501
Thank you for
the kind words,
481
00:20:56,534 --> 00:20:58,267
but why are you
telling me this?
482
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:02,434
Bernice, I hereby
appoint you congresswoman.
483
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:03,901
Me?
484
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:06,767
A congresswoman?
485
00:21:06,801 --> 00:21:09,133
(melodramatic music plays)
486
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:12,200
It wasn't me that time.
487
00:21:12,234 --> 00:21:14,200
I swear.
488
00:21:14,234 --> 00:21:19,033
("Yankee Doodle" overlapping
melodramatic music)
489
00:21:27,534 --> 00:21:29,501
* I'll tear your arms off *
490
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:30,834
* And your legs off
491
00:21:30,868 --> 00:21:32,501
* And your (bleep) off
492
00:21:32,534 --> 00:21:34,000
* And then
493
00:21:34,033 --> 00:21:36,801
* I'll make you eat them *
494
00:21:36,834 --> 00:21:39,334
* I'll make you eat them! *
495
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:43,133
* I'll make you eat them *
496
00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:45,601
* I'll make you eat them. *
497
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,934
(Tommy Lee sobbing)
35530
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
