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1
00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:15,968
Duckman, "Guess
where we're going"
2
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,701
is just
a rhetorical question.
3
00:00:17,734 --> 00:00:19,701
We've been guessing
for five hours.
4
00:00:19,734 --> 00:00:21,234
Tell us, already!
5
00:00:21,267 --> 00:00:22,601
All right,
Miss Quitter.
6
00:00:22,634 --> 00:00:24,234
We're going
to San Francisco
7
00:00:24,267 --> 00:00:25,701
to Dick-Con '97--
8
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:27,767
the annual
detectives' convention
9
00:00:27,801 --> 00:00:30,200
because I-- Duckman--
have been chosen
10
00:00:30,234 --> 00:00:31,968
to receive
my industry's
11
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,968
lifetime
achievement award.
12
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,067
All right, point made.
13
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:36,367
We'll go back
to guessing.
14
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:37,601
It's true, I swear.
15
00:00:37,634 --> 00:00:40,334
Allow me to quote the letter
from the academy.
16
00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:41,501
(clears throat)
17
00:00:41,534 --> 00:00:45,434
"This long overdue honor
is in recognition
18
00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:48,801
"of Duckman's many
outstanding achievements
19
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:54,400
and invaluable contributions
to his field of expertise."
20
00:00:54,434 --> 00:00:55,968
What a lot of horse haggis!
21
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,000
The only achievement
in your career
22
00:00:58,033 --> 00:00:59,968
is your total lack
of achievement.
23
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,968
You have never, ever, ever
solved a case.
24
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,267
Not once!
25
00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:06,901
Ah, Bernice, my dear,
small-minded, large-butted,
26
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,267
ESPN-morning-workout-show-
hostess wannabe
27
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:12,968
being a good detective is
more than just "solving" cases.
28
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,000
It's also, uh... uh...
29
00:01:16,033 --> 00:01:17,601
other stuff.
30
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,467
Well, despite
my nagging suspicions
31
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:22,400
that this is another one
of your cock-and-bull stories
32
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:25,767
I'm still involuntarily
feeling... pride.
33
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:27,367
Hey, me, too.
34
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,601
So this is what
pride feels like.
35
00:01:29,634 --> 00:01:30,968
I'm scared.
36
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,000
Hold me.
37
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:37,934
Uh, Dad, what do you call
that sound a siren makes?
38
00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:39,701
Why?
39
00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:41,000
(siren wailing)
40
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:44,934
Damn unleaded plus!
41
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:46,567
Hold on, folks!
42
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:58,701
How's that? Straight?
43
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:00,567
Straightest thing
in this city.
44
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:01,834
MAN:
Hey, I heard that!
45
00:02:03,501 --> 00:02:06,601
Ah! Dick-Con '97!
46
00:02:06,634 --> 00:02:08,701
Where my coronation
will come to a head
47
00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:10,534
where I shall
finally take my place
48
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:13,467
among the legendary detectives
like, uh, the famous guy
49
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,234
and the guy
who solved those cases
50
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:16,801
and old Miss What's-Her-Name.
51
00:02:17,868 --> 00:02:19,868
DUCKMAN:
Woo-hoo!
52
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:27,801
No doubt you've
been awaiting me.
53
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:29,634
Duckman's the name-- as in
guest of honor Duckman.
54
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:33,067
Tell you what, just
back this baby into the
lifetime achiever's space.
55
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,434
Use those rags you're
wearing to give it a shine.
56
00:02:34,467 --> 00:02:36,067
Then look between
the seat cushions
57
00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:37,734
for a little
something for yourself.
58
00:02:43,434 --> 00:02:44,868
Brochure, sir?
59
00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:46,868
Must be French
for "autograph."
60
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:47,934
There you go, babe.
61
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,934
My phone number's
on there, too.
62
00:02:49,968 --> 00:02:51,033
Give me a call
63
00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:53,200
anytime you want
to ride the "D" train.
64
00:02:53,234 --> 00:02:55,467
Oh, and congratulations
on your breasts.
65
00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,300
Look, Cornfed,
it makes it look
66
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:01,968
like I'm wearing glasses.
67
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,467
You always wear glasses.
68
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:04,634
Different glasses.
69
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:05,901
This thing is genius.
70
00:03:05,934 --> 00:03:06,901
Observe.
71
00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:08,033
Groucho... not Groucho.
72
00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:09,534
Groucho... not Groucho.
73
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:10,901
Groucho... not Groucho.
74
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:13,200
Groucho... ah! That woman!
75
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,634
I recognize her.
76
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:15,868
Is she
a former victim
77
00:03:15,901 --> 00:03:17,434
or are you
a former client?
78
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:18,567
Amazingly, neither.
79
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:19,901
Her name's
Lauren Simone.
80
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,234
We went
to Don Galloway's
81
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,033
famous detective
school together.
82
00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:24,267
We were bitter rivals.
83
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,801
She hated
to see me succeed.
84
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,567
I was hungry for knowledge,
doing groundbreaking research
85
00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:30,300
in chastity belt metallurgy,
lingerie tensile strength
86
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:31,601
and the legal difference
87
00:03:31,634 --> 00:03:34,200
between search-and-seizure
and just plain fondling.
88
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:37,667
Lauren ridiculed my theories,
but I told her to just wait.
89
00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:39,667
One day,
I'd be a famous detective.
90
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:43,334
And now, Cornfed,
that day has finally come.
91
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:45,534
(woman screaming)
92
00:03:45,567 --> 00:03:47,767
DUCKMAN:
Search and seizure-- it's legal!
93
00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,133
You put up
with a hell...
94
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:52,501
Well, well, as I live
and breathe!
95
00:03:52,534 --> 00:03:54,834
It's Lauren Simone.
96
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,300
How are you, my dear?
97
00:03:56,334 --> 00:03:58,667
I hope that life
has treated you better
98
00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:00,033
than time has.
99
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:01,100
(laughs)
100
00:04:01,133 --> 00:04:02,400
But enough
pleasantries.
101
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:04,033
For we have come
to the moment
102
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:06,434
when I watch your leathery
face fall further,
103
00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:08,634
as I tell you
that I-- Duckman--
104
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:09,934
am here to pick up
105
00:04:09,968 --> 00:04:12,067
my lifetime
achievement award.
106
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:13,234
Ha-ha!
107
00:04:13,267 --> 00:04:14,534
We will now pause
108
00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:17,934
for jealousy to put
its head up your ugly rear.
109
00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:19,100
Hello, Duckman.
110
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,267
Actually, I already
knew about your honor.
111
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:23,534
You see, I'm chairperson
of the convention.
112
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:26,033
Oh. Well, I, uh, uh...
113
00:04:26,067 --> 00:04:28,033
It's nice seeing you
again, Duckman.
114
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,801
Can't we just bury
the hatchet?
115
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,400
Oh... okay, sure.
116
00:04:33,701 --> 00:04:34,734
Well, I must say,
117
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:36,734
she exhibited
a magnanimous amount
118
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:38,601
of grace
and self-controlitude.
119
00:04:38,634 --> 00:04:40,567
I guess people
really do change.
120
00:04:40,601 --> 00:04:42,334
Perhaps.
121
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:44,734
(thunder rumbles)
122
00:04:47,601 --> 00:04:50,167
While my Weather-Tron
Storm Simulator
123
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,534
has no practical application,
124
00:04:52,567 --> 00:04:55,234
it is really cool.
125
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,667
BERNICE:
Look at all these
men in tuxedos.
126
00:04:57,701 --> 00:04:58,834
(purring)
127
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,100
I feel like a kid
in a candy store.
128
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:02,701
Bernice,
usually a set-up like that one
129
00:05:02,734 --> 00:05:04,434
would demand
I launch some zinger
130
00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:05,634
about you being no kid
131
00:05:05,667 --> 00:05:07,634
and that store ending up
with no candy
132
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:10,000
but that would violate
our family's new policy
133
00:05:10,033 --> 00:05:11,367
of sweetness and glasnost.
134
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,801
Besides, we're here tonight
135
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:14,567
not to bury you,
but to praise me.
136
00:05:14,601 --> 00:05:16,534
I hope this doesn't sound
grandiose,
137
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:19,000
but tonight,
I begin my preordained ascent
138
00:05:19,033 --> 00:05:21,868
toward the global adulation
I so richly deserve.
139
00:05:21,901 --> 00:05:23,334
For what is greatness...
140
00:05:24,734 --> 00:05:26,067
(orchestra plays
bright fanfare)
141
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,534
And now, here's the legendary
P.I., Morton Tannenbaum,
142
00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:32,367
to help present
our final award of the evening--
143
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,634
our lifetime recognition award.
144
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,000
First, Mr. Tannenbaum,
145
00:05:36,033 --> 00:05:37,734
after 60 years as a detective
146
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:40,968
do you have any inspirational
words you can share?
147
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:46,901
I once did Herbert Hoover's wife
while he watched.
148
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:50,434
(orchestra plays
bright fanfare)
149
00:05:50,467 --> 00:05:51,701
Yes, well...
150
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:54,033
We all know
who this year's recipient is.
151
00:05:54,067 --> 00:05:55,434
Let's welcome him up...
152
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:56,434
Duckman!
153
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:57,934
(orchestra playing
jaunty melody)
154
00:05:57,968 --> 00:06:01,234
Boys, you'll always remember
the night the legend was born.
155
00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:02,634
Uh, Duckman,
I've got
156
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:06,033
one of my patented near-psychic
bad feelings about this.
157
00:06:06,067 --> 00:06:08,033
Quit hogging screen time,
Cornish.
158
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,367
I'm about to meet my destiny.
159
00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:22,634
(laughing):
Whoo!
160
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:24,400
Wow! This is so incredible!
161
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:25,400
I mean...
162
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:26,400
(clears throat)
163
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:28,133
Wow! I never expected this.
164
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,567
Ah... well, there's...
165
00:06:29,601 --> 00:06:31,667
there's so many people
to thank--
166
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,367
my agent, my manager...
167
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,501
uh, let's see...
168
00:06:34,534 --> 00:06:36,667
my accountant, lawyer,
personal trainer,
169
00:06:36,701 --> 00:06:38,367
nutritionist, voice coach...
170
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:39,767
We did it, Eli!
171
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:42,634
My florist, my mailman,
the Dalai Lama...
172
00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:44,133
Oh! My family--
173
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:45,868
my sister-in-law, Bernice,
174
00:06:45,901 --> 00:06:48,067
and my sons, Charles, Gumble...
175
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,067
Mambo!
176
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,067
Whatever...
177
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:52,067
And, of course... Ajax.
178
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,634
(sobbing)
179
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:56,501
(sobbing)
180
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,601
But... ultimately, this...
181
00:06:58,634 --> 00:06:59,901
this is my night.
182
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:02,167
I, uh... I don't get
too many honors.
183
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,667
Okay, I don't get any.
184
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:05,634
That's why this means
so much to me.
185
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,400
You know, you work kind of hard,
186
00:07:07,434 --> 00:07:08,901
you sort of do your best
187
00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:12,200
and... sometimes it seems like
you don't know why you do it...
188
00:07:12,234 --> 00:07:14,234
why you keep going out there
every day,
189
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,834
getting slapped down by life.
190
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:18,000
Well, it helps to get
something like this
191
00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:20,968
and know that your peers think
you're doing a good job.
192
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,000
(audience laughing)
193
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:26,968
You folks may not believe this
194
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,133
but... well, I actually
haven't solved that many cases.
195
00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:32,234
(laughter grows louder)
196
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:34,100
No, no, it's true.
197
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:37,367
I guess I'm just choosey
about the cases I take on.
198
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,934
(laughter grows even louder)
199
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:45,767
Geez, I'm killing
200
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:48,534
and I haven't even gotten
to my blue material yet.
201
00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:53,701
"Lifetime underachievement
award?!"
202
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,200
But... but...
203
00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:57,701
(laughing)
204
00:07:57,734 --> 00:07:59,133
No, it can't be!
205
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:02,334
My invite said I was
getting the achievement award!
206
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,300
Whoops! Must have
been a typo.
207
00:08:04,334 --> 00:08:07,067
Yes, I distinctly
remember nominating you
208
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:09,467
for the underachievement
award.
209
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:11,434
(laughing)
You?! No! No!
210
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:13,767
Ladies and gentlemen,
211
00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:14,834
our honoree
212
00:08:14,868 --> 00:08:17,300
for a lifetime of
pathetic failure--
213
00:08:17,334 --> 00:08:18,467
Duckman.
214
00:08:18,501 --> 00:08:19,934
(boisterous laughter
and applause)
215
00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:37,200
(glass breaks)
216
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:38,901
(woman screams)
217
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:42,133
(groaning)
218
00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:44,100
Oh, she humiliated
me again.
219
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:46,601
I'm the laughingstock
of my profession.
220
00:08:46,634 --> 00:08:49,300
That was the worst
experience of my life.
221
00:08:49,334 --> 00:08:50,601
I'm sorry, Duckman.
222
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:52,868
You didn't deserve
what happened back there.
223
00:08:52,901 --> 00:08:54,167
You're a decent person
224
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,367
whom we all admire
for our own reasons
225
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,334
and you should know we all
respect and care for you.
226
00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:01,834
I stopped believing you
somewhere around "I'm."
227
00:09:01,868 --> 00:09:03,701
My nostrils flared, didn't they?
228
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:05,601
Duckman, you'll wake up tomorrow
229
00:09:05,634 --> 00:09:08,033
and you probably won't
even remember this.
230
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:10,400
Okay, maybe not tomorrow,
but the next day.
231
00:09:10,434 --> 00:09:11,567
Well, someday.
232
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:13,534
Okay, one day,
you won't even wake up
233
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:14,901
and this'll all be over.
234
00:09:14,934 --> 00:09:17,667
Of course, odds are,
people will defile your grave.
235
00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:18,868
Uncle Cornfed!
236
00:09:18,901 --> 00:09:21,167
Sorry. I was swept away
by the moment.
237
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,567
Dad, we're still glad
238
00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:24,567
we could share
this trip with you.
239
00:09:24,601 --> 00:09:25,934
That's the worst part--
240
00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:28,067
being humiliated
in front of my sons.
241
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,167
I've worked hard
to prepare you boys
242
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,100
for a lifetime
of broken promises
243
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:33,467
and dashed expectations,
244
00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:34,801
but this is different.
245
00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:36,734
I just hope this doesn't
affect you permanently--
246
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:38,534
that you can gather
yourselves together
247
00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,767
and somehow
get past this trauma.
248
00:09:40,801 --> 00:09:41,901
(toilet flushes)
249
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:43,501
(laughing)
250
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:45,934
Whoa. There's
a tiny sink in here
251
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:47,300
just for washing your hair.
252
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:49,300
It even makes a soothing
little whirlpool
253
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:51,133
when you pull the lever.
254
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:54,000
Duckman, it says here
in the convention itinerary
255
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:56,200
that there'll be
a best detective contest
256
00:09:56,234 --> 00:09:57,567
tomorrow morning.
257
00:09:57,601 --> 00:09:59,834
The winner gets
a grand prize of $10,000.
258
00:09:59,868 --> 00:10:00,968
Wee-hee.
259
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,767
Our business could
really use that money.
260
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:04,601
Plus, we'd be able
to add "award-winning"
261
00:10:04,634 --> 00:10:05,634
to our business card.
262
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:06,934
We have business cards?
263
00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:09,901
You designed
them yourself.
264
00:10:11,968 --> 00:10:14,434
Huh. Must have been during
my Sudafed period.
265
00:10:14,467 --> 00:10:16,834
This may be a last chance
for redemption, Duckman,
266
00:10:16,868 --> 00:10:19,400
a chance to prove yourself
to those detectives.
267
00:10:19,434 --> 00:10:20,567
Yeah, sure--
268
00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:22,601
to further prove
how pathetic I am.
269
00:10:22,634 --> 00:10:24,934
I'll just take
the ol' Pasadena on that.
270
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:28,300
It's time to cut my losses and
leave this bass-ackwards burg.
271
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:29,667
Boys, pack my shoes.
272
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:31,501
I'll get the linens
and towels.
273
00:10:31,534 --> 00:10:34,167
The winner will also
get this winsome trophy
274
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,801
inscribed "Best Dick '97."
275
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,634
(gasps)
276
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:40,801
It's so shiny
and gleaming and phallic.
277
00:10:40,834 --> 00:10:42,167
Okay, I'll do it, Corny.
278
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,400
I'll show them all.
279
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:44,467
Look out, redemption!
280
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:45,534
Here come the duck!
281
00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:50,868
One minute
until the test begins.
282
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,167
(sighs)
283
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,734
By the power of Grayskull,
284
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:14,400
I have the power!
285
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,701
Hey, eyes front.
286
00:11:18,734 --> 00:11:20,767
You may begin the test.
287
00:11:20,801 --> 00:11:22,434
You have one hour.
288
00:11:22,467 --> 00:11:25,133
(cheering)
289
00:11:26,901 --> 00:11:30,534
DUCKMAN:
Must be some sort of trick...
290
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:33,200
(grunting)
291
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,501
Clever fiends.
292
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:38,267
Cornfed.
293
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:39,400
Cornfed!
294
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,701
What the fu...?
295
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:50,200
Okay, skip that one.
296
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:51,400
Number two.
297
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:53,367
"If a man drives
40 miles an hour,
298
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,234
leaves the station at 2:35..."
299
00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:56,634
Ah, try number three.
300
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:57,634
Ya-ha!
301
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:58,801
Go to the fourth.
302
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:02,100
Surveillance...
303
00:12:02,133 --> 00:12:04,734
Confession...
304
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:05,734
D'oh! Wait.
305
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,167
I get it.
306
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,501
(screams)
307
00:12:08,534 --> 00:12:10,334
That was the English version.
308
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,100
Oh, I can't solve any of these.
309
00:12:20,968 --> 00:12:22,667
(loud dripping)
310
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:23,834
Cornfed.
311
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,033
Hey, buddy.
312
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:26,567
How you been? Great.
313
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:30,434
Uh, hypothetically speaking,
just shooting the breeze--
314
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:33,801
let's say you are
in a windowless room,
315
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:38,868
a corpse with multiple
con... con... contu-si-ons
316
00:12:38,901 --> 00:12:40,367
and abra... abra...
317
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,267
Duckman,
I can't help you cheat.
318
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,200
You have to do this yourself.
319
00:12:44,234 --> 00:12:47,033
Otherwise, you'd never
be able to respect yourself.
320
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:51,667
That would be bad.
321
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:52,901
Oh.
322
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:54,667
But I can't.
323
00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:56,167
I'm not going to help you.
324
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,767
LAUREN:
One minute left
on the test.
325
00:12:57,801 --> 00:12:59,400
Cornfed, time's running out.
326
00:12:59,434 --> 00:13:01,400
Please, please,
please, please, please.
327
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:02,734
Do it for the agency.
328
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,100
I'll go distract Lauren.
329
00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:09,167
Groucho, not Groucho.
330
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,467
Groucho, not Groucho.
331
00:13:10,501 --> 00:13:11,834
Groucho, not Groucho.
332
00:13:11,868 --> 00:13:13,067
Groucho, not Groucho.
333
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:14,334
Groucho, not Groucho.
334
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:16,067
Groucho, not Groucho.
335
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,334
Groucho, not Groucho.
336
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:18,634
Groucho, not Groucho.
337
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,067
Groucho, not Groucho.
338
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,934
Return to your seat.
339
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,734
Time's up, detectives.
340
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:32,767
Pencils down.
341
00:13:32,801 --> 00:13:34,767
Pencils, dicks.
342
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:37,901
Well, Duckman,
343
00:13:37,934 --> 00:13:40,801
since the only thing
your booklet is good for
344
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:41,934
is recycling,
345
00:13:41,968 --> 00:13:43,400
what's say we
just go ahead
346
00:13:43,434 --> 00:13:44,834
and throw this away now.
347
00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,634
Grade it, baby.
348
00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:50,300
(gasps)
349
00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:55,801
A p-p-p-perfect score?!
350
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,200
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
351
00:13:57,234 --> 00:13:58,567
B-But that's impossible.
352
00:13:58,601 --> 00:13:59,634
That can't be.
353
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:00,767
You're an idiot.
354
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:03,200
You had to have gotten
help from someone.
355
00:14:05,033 --> 00:14:06,300
(whistling)
356
00:14:07,601 --> 00:14:09,801
Underachiever, my tafta tuchis.
357
00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:11,434
I got a perfect score.
358
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,033
I'm a friggin' genius.
359
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:14,801
* You put your dog down
360
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:16,033
* And thrust your pelvis, huh!
361
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,234
* Thrust your pelvis, huh!
362
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:19,801
Duckman.
Congratulations, Duckman.
363
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:22,267
Here's your
"Best Dick '97" trophy.
364
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:27,434
(applause)
365
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:28,801
Thank you, everyone.
366
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,901
While I did this
all by myself,
367
00:14:30,934 --> 00:14:34,367
I'd like to give an extremely
small passing mention
368
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,767
to my best friend...
369
00:14:35,801 --> 00:14:39,400
(people screaming)
370
00:14:39,434 --> 00:14:41,000
Cornfed, you're gone.
371
00:14:41,033 --> 00:14:43,167
There's only
one logical explanation--
372
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,567
you're invisible.
373
00:14:44,601 --> 00:14:46,968
You've invented an
invisibility ray that can be...
374
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,033
No, Duckman, look!
375
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:53,200
Oh, no. The process doesn't work
on hats, belts, or coins.
376
00:14:53,234 --> 00:14:54,534
It's completely useless.
377
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:57,100
Duckman, will you put
your pinhead on pause?
378
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,634
Cornfed's been kidnapped!
379
00:14:58,667 --> 00:14:59,868
That's worse.
380
00:14:59,901 --> 00:15:01,234
Ladies and gentlemen,
381
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,934
it appears that we have a
devious kidnapping on our hands.
382
00:15:03,968 --> 00:15:05,367
In times like this,
383
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,467
we need the greatest
crime-solving mind of our age.
384
00:15:08,501 --> 00:15:10,501
So, tell us, Duckman--
385
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:14,167
where is Cornfed?
386
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:25,834
I can easily
solve Cornfed's kidnapping
387
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:28,400
through the careful examination
of these "glues."
388
00:15:28,434 --> 00:15:29,501
Clues.
389
00:15:29,534 --> 00:15:30,567
Whatever.
390
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,300
First, this belt.
391
00:15:32,334 --> 00:15:35,200
Eh... hmm... belt.
392
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,200
Cornfed liked
to belt out show tunes.
393
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:39,000
That's it-- he's been kidnapped
394
00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:40,934
by the ghost of Liberace.
395
00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:41,934
(spectators groaning)
396
00:15:41,968 --> 00:15:44,334
This Duckman doesn't
seem to be
397
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:46,767
such a hot detective
after all.
398
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:49,300
I'm frightened
and disoriented.
399
00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:52,701
(laughing)
400
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,501
Hey, hey, easy with
the trophy envy.
401
00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:56,834
Attention, everyone.
402
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,968
Duckman's
bungling investigation
403
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,501
has shown us he's unworthy
of the title of best dick.
404
00:16:02,534 --> 00:16:04,100
(spectators laughing)
405
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,200
Hey, wait.
406
00:16:05,234 --> 00:16:07,267
Come on, I was just
getting warmed up.
407
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,434
Here we go.
408
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,000
Exhibit "A," Cornfed's belt--
409
00:16:10,033 --> 00:16:12,467
removed, as if he had
to go to the bathroom.
410
00:16:12,501 --> 00:16:13,601
SPECTATORS:
Ooh!
411
00:16:13,634 --> 00:16:15,200
Exhibit "B," these dimes.
412
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:18,601
The sort of dimes one might need
to use a pay toilet.
413
00:16:18,634 --> 00:16:19,734
SPECTATORS:
Aah!
414
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:21,300
There's four of these dimes
415
00:16:21,334 --> 00:16:23,200
indicating
the fourth stall of...
416
00:16:23,234 --> 00:16:24,834
(sniffing)
417
00:16:24,868 --> 00:16:27,601
Hmm?
Lavender, with a hint of Lysol.
418
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:29,467
Cornfed is being
held hostage
419
00:16:29,501 --> 00:16:31,033
in the ladies'
bathroom.
420
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,634
Follow me.
421
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,300
Hey, this is the first time
422
00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:39,801
I've been in a ladies' room
legally.
423
00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:42,501
By legally, of course,
I mean... ever.
424
00:16:45,701 --> 00:16:48,067
And now, direct from Kidnapville
425
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:50,501
a man for all sausage--
Cornfed.
426
00:16:50,534 --> 00:16:51,734
* Ta-da!
427
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:53,834
(gasping)
428
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:54,934
(gasping)
429
00:16:54,968 --> 00:16:56,501
Hold your horses, sonny.
430
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:58,400
I should be done in an hour.
431
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,501
My God, Cornfed!
432
00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:01,067
What have they done to you?!
433
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:17,267
(groaning)
434
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:18,667
Corny, corny, corny.
435
00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:21,868
13 hours of investigation,
and ten of those were spent
436
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:24,334
trying to find my way
out of the ladies' room.
437
00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:25,334
Lauren's right.
438
00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:27,033
I'm a lousy detective.
439
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,767
And now I'm a lousy detective
who lost his best friend.
440
00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:35,067
There's something charmingabout her.
441
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,367
Maybe it's her alluringlack of consciousness.
442
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,000
I could use the sympathetic ear
443
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,801
of a person that can'tpossibly bore me back.
444
00:17:43,834 --> 00:17:45,801
Bonjour.
445
00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:47,234
Aah!
446
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,467
Oh, great. I found
the only company
447
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:50,801
misery doesn't love.
448
00:17:50,834 --> 00:17:53,801
Ah, shut up,
you mush-headed thick wit.
449
00:17:53,834 --> 00:17:56,801
I'm in no mood
for your antics tonight.
450
00:17:56,834 --> 00:18:00,400
In fact, the sight of you
makes me feel worse.
451
00:18:00,434 --> 00:18:02,300
Well, then, I'll be
happy to join you.
452
00:18:03,501 --> 00:18:04,567
You won.
453
00:18:04,601 --> 00:18:05,934
You got what you wanted.
454
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:08,133
You're successful,
famous, respected
455
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:10,601
and you've completely
humiliated me.
456
00:18:10,634 --> 00:18:12,100
I've dreamt for so long
457
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:15,000
of the day when I'd make you
look like a fool
458
00:18:15,033 --> 00:18:16,801
when I'd ruin you,
and today
459
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,434
when I kidnapped Cornfed
to humiliate you
460
00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:22,100
knowing you could never
solve the case...
461
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,901
Wait. You kidnapped Cornfed?
462
00:18:23,934 --> 00:18:25,067
Is he okay?
463
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,701
Ah, don't worry,
he's all right.
464
00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:30,067
So my plan was working fine.
465
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:34,167
I thought it would be
the happiest day of my life,
466
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,300
but it's not.
467
00:18:35,334 --> 00:18:36,701
Not nearly.
468
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:38,534
Yeah, goals never work out.
469
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:40,267
That's why I don't bother.
470
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,467
Wait a minute.
471
00:18:41,501 --> 00:18:42,701
You're not happy?
472
00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:43,901
Can you believe it?
473
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,567
I mean, that ladies' room scene
was perfect.
474
00:18:46,601 --> 00:18:48,167
You were a complete moron,
475
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,167
wearing your stupidity
like a badge of honor.
476
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,567
Flaunting your idiocy,
begging for a fall.
477
00:18:53,601 --> 00:18:55,400
Yeah,
it's this thing that I do.
478
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:57,601
Some people can cook,
some can sing...
479
00:18:57,634 --> 00:19:00,567
So, there you were,
putting both feet in your mouth
480
00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:03,067
and when I looked at you,
all I felt was...
481
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,667
was sympathy.
482
00:19:05,701 --> 00:19:08,501
I felt sorry for you,
you big jerk.
483
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:11,067
You looked
like a little puppy.
484
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:12,467
Wow.
And this time,
485
00:19:12,501 --> 00:19:14,434
I wasn't even
licking myself inappropriately.
486
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:17,868
I looked at you
and, and realized...
487
00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:19,167
realized...
488
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:24,300
I realized I like you.
489
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:26,367
A lot.
490
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,167
You know, like in... like.
491
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:35,601
Yuck!
492
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,133
Excuse me?
493
00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:38,667
I think back at Galloway's
494
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:42,000
I had a little crush on you,but you were so repugnant,
495
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:44,033
so disgusting,so grossly unsavory
496
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:47,033
a relationship with youwas not part of the plan
497
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:48,534
I had for myself,
498
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:50,701
so I must have
over-compensated,
499
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:52,133
turned it to hate.
500
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:53,968
But when I saw you
in that bathroom,
501
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:58,968
looking so lost and hurt,
I knew it wasn't hate.
502
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,133
So that's why you always
tried to embarrass me--
503
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,067
stealing my homework,
changing my grades,
504
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,567
sending me those fake
notes from our teacher saying
505
00:20:05,601 --> 00:20:07,133
"You suck.
Get out of my class."
506
00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:09,133
I never sent any notes.
507
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:10,400
Oh.
508
00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:12,968
Anyway, all this time,
you were in love with me?
509
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,067
Keep it in your down,
Chester.
510
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,701
I said I was sublimating,
not insane.
511
00:20:17,734 --> 00:20:20,667
I just have a decades-old crush
that needs closure.
512
00:20:20,701 --> 00:20:26,400
Did you, um... ever have
any romantic feelings for me?
513
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,567
More than likely,
514
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,434
but for me to be interested
in a woman,
515
00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:31,701
my only requirement is
that she have legs and a pulse
516
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:34,501
and I even waived those
in New Orleans last year.
517
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,901
I think a few dates with you
should finally rid me of
518
00:20:36,934 --> 00:20:38,501
any unresolved
romantic feelings.
519
00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:39,801
What do you say?
520
00:20:40,934 --> 00:20:43,234
I say we've got
a moonlit night,
521
00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:45,133
one of the most beautiful
cities on earth,
522
00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:48,234
and a pocketful of
stolen credit cards.
523
00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:50,234
But forget about
that last part.
524
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,200
Let's swing, baby.
525
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:53,467
(chuckling)
526
00:20:53,501 --> 00:20:55,100
You know, Duckman,
527
00:20:55,133 --> 00:20:56,200
I feel great.
528
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:57,634
I really do.
529
00:20:57,667 --> 00:21:01,367
But I still can't help feeling
I'm forgetting something.
530
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:06,634
(water dripping)
531
00:21:06,667 --> 00:21:09,667
(muffled):
Hello.
532
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:12,033
Hello!
533
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:14,534
Anybody out there?
534
00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:16,234
Duckman, is this you?
535
00:21:16,267 --> 00:21:18,467
Come on,
this isn't funny.
536
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:21,067
Lauren, if it's you,
just say something.
537
00:21:22,334 --> 00:21:23,934
Somebody talk to me.
538
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:28,334
Hello?
539
00:21:28,367 --> 00:21:31,100
(water dripping)
540
00:21:31,133 --> 00:21:33,567
Hello!
541
00:21:35,934 --> 00:21:37,934
Anybody out there?
542
00:21:40,067 --> 00:21:41,767
Hello?
543
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:45,300
(water dripping)
544
00:21:45,334 --> 00:21:47,234
Come on, this isn't funny.
545
00:21:49,667 --> 00:21:51,267
Somebody talk to me.
546
00:21:53,434 --> 00:21:56,567
(speaking unintelligibly)
547
00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:06,100
DUCKMAN:
We did it, Eli!
37658
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