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1
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:10,934
(quacks)
2
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,367
(film projector running)
3
00:00:12,434 --> 00:00:13,968
(fanfare playing)
4
00:00:14,033 --> 00:00:16,501
MAN:
Every living creature on Earthneeds to mate,
5
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:18,601
even this little fellow.
6
00:00:18,667 --> 00:00:20,934
Not much to look at, is he?
7
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,234
But even he is driven to seeksexual contact.
8
00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:27,300
But this sad specimen hasneither the prowess nor beauty
9
00:00:27,367 --> 00:00:29,300
to attract a mate,
10
00:00:29,367 --> 00:00:31,934
so he must go wherefemales gather
11
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,267
to perform his desperatemating ritual.
12
00:00:35,334 --> 00:00:39,434
* *
13
00:00:40,701 --> 00:00:43,267
He tries even harderto attract her.
14
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,367
Then the moment of truth...
15
00:00:49,667 --> 00:00:51,801
* *
16
00:00:54,467 --> 00:00:56,467
Uh-oh!
17
00:00:56,534 --> 00:01:00,200
Looks like our overeager friendis destined for failure...
18
00:01:02,534 --> 00:01:04,067
...after failure...
19
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:07,734
...after failure,
20
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,868
till the sad littlebottom-feeder,
21
00:01:09,934 --> 00:01:13,634
unable to reproduce,is extinct.
22
00:01:13,701 --> 00:01:17,167
And that's what happened
to the grammet grub
23
00:01:17,234 --> 00:01:19,133
ten million years ago.
24
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:24,100
He just couldn't keep up
with nature's rich parade"
25
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,601
(bell ringing)
26
00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:27,601
All right, children,
class dismissed.
27
00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:28,968
Please stop learning now.
28
00:01:29,033 --> 00:01:32,067
Mambo, that film
got me thinking.
29
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:35,033
Charles, it's another
one of those factory
irregular films
30
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,567
the district picks up cheap
'cause the facts are wrong.
31
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:42,200
Oh, yeah. I knew the capital
of France wasn't Francetown.
32
00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:45,067
No, I mean the whole time
I watched the film
33
00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:46,734
I was thinking about Dad.
34
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,601
I've noticed it's been
a long time since he...
35
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:50,801
you know, bobbed for squab?
36
00:01:50,868 --> 00:01:52,167
Got his Brosnan pierced?
37
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:53,701
Took a mulligan
at the 19th hole?
38
00:01:53,767 --> 00:01:56,033
Yeah, plus
he can't get laid.
39
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,601
(crowd laughing)
40
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,133
Let's face it,
41
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,467
when it comes to women,
Dad's no Larry King.
42
00:02:03,534 --> 00:02:05,934
But he used to be able
to find someone--
43
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,567
like a woman getting even
with a boyfriend
44
00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:10,801
or a nymphomaniac
with low standards.
45
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,934
Or that blind, obsessed
Seinfeld groupie
46
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,133
who thought he was
Jason Alexander
in a duck suit,
47
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,367
but that was
two years ago.
48
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:19,067
I guess I didn't realize
how long it had been.
49
00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:21,133
That's probably why
lately he's been so...
50
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,100
Hmm, what's
the word for it?
51
00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,734
(tires squealing)
52
00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:29,167
Cranky?
53
00:02:29,234 --> 00:02:30,367
You want me to squat
54
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:32,734
and pinch out a red
friggin' carpet?
55
00:02:32,801 --> 00:02:34,167
Get in!
56
00:02:34,234 --> 00:02:35,968
(huffing)
57
00:02:37,701 --> 00:02:38,968
How was school...?
58
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:40,901
Can we stop
all the chatter?!
59
00:02:40,968 --> 00:02:42,634
You know, a lot
of fathers wouldn't
take time out from work
60
00:02:42,701 --> 00:02:45,100
to drive you two to your
stupid soccer practice.
61
00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:48,167
But, Dad, soccer season
ended three months ago.
62
00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:50,234
And... we've never
played soccer.
63
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,067
Don't you give me your
smart-aleck back talk!
64
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:55,767
(huffing)
65
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:57,434
Poor Dad.
66
00:02:57,501 --> 00:02:59,934
He's wound tighterthan Phil Gramm's sphincter.
67
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,734
I want to help,but there's no way.
68
00:03:02,801 --> 00:03:04,501
Maybe there is a way.
69
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,801
What? You canhear our thoughts?
70
00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:09,601
Yes. I seldom usemy psychic gifts though,
71
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,734
because of one mind I beheld
72
00:03:11,801 --> 00:03:14,367
filled with grisly,revolting evil...
73
00:03:14,434 --> 00:03:16,334
(playing lounge jazz)
74
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,400
Wow! Willard Scott!
75
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,400
I'm a big fan...
76
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,734
(speaking gibberish)
77
00:03:23,801 --> 00:03:24,834
(shuddering)
78
00:03:24,901 --> 00:03:26,200
Anyway, I have an idea
79
00:03:26,267 --> 00:03:28,367
how we can help your dad,but it violates
80
00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:30,567
every principledecent people hold dear.
81
00:03:30,634 --> 00:03:33,334
Damn... stupid... oxygen!
82
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,601
We'll, uh...keep open minds.
83
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:38,267
An aphrodisiac?
84
00:03:38,334 --> 00:03:40,934
You want us to pervert
our love of chemistry
85
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,701
and whip up a love potion
86
00:03:42,767 --> 00:03:44,767
for Dad to use
on unsuspecting women?
87
00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:48,701
I've never heard such
a depraved, twisted,
reprehensible idea.
88
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:50,701
You've never seen the 700 Club.
89
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:53,167
It's an extreme measure,
but it's the only way
90
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,501
to give Duckman
a chance to meet someone.
91
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,934
If we combine my knowledge
of human nature
92
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,634
with your chemistry expertise,
93
00:03:59,701 --> 00:04:02,300
we can make a tiny smidge,
a drop of sex appeal,
94
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,334
just enough so that
for one evening
95
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,434
women won't run away
when he approaches.
96
00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:08,100
He could even find someone
97
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:10,234
who appreciates him
like your mom did.
98
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:14,567
So really, we'd just be leveling
the playing field, right?
99
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:16,234
Well, that seems fair.
100
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:17,801
Okay, we'll do it.
101
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:19,501
Oh, I must say
I'm surprised
102
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:22,634
at how readily you boys
bastardized your code of ethics
103
00:04:22,701 --> 00:04:25,501
in order to justify
a morally dubious decision.
104
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:27,334
That was very
grownup of you.
105
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:30,300
So, let's start.
106
00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:33,300
As for Duckman, MTV's running
a House of Style marathon,
107
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:35,300
so he'll be...
(clearing throat)
108
00:04:35,367 --> 00:04:36,634
busy for hours.
109
00:04:37,767 --> 00:04:39,534
Don't worry, I'm taping it.
110
00:04:39,601 --> 00:04:41,601
Come on, musketeers.
111
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:45,667
Ajax, how did
you get here?
112
00:04:45,734 --> 00:04:48,000
Gloriosky. I have no idea.
113
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:51,133
Still, I would do anything
for Dad,
114
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,667
even without a biscuit
after each trick.
115
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:57,467
But, uh... you know, he doesn't
need to know that part.
116
00:04:57,534 --> 00:05:01,701
("Sorcerer's Apprentice"
playing)
117
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:27,634
* *
118
00:05:54,868 --> 00:05:57,934
* *
119
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,200
It's a wha...?
120
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:10,534
An aphrodisiac.
121
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:12,200
Yeah... I don't know.
122
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,701
I had my hair like
that back in the '70s.
123
00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:16,534
Too much hassle
from "the man."
124
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:18,200
No, Dad, it's
a love potion.
125
00:06:18,267 --> 00:06:19,868
You splash it on
like cologne
126
00:06:19,934 --> 00:06:22,601
and any woman who smells it
will be attracted to you.
127
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:23,934
You're yanking me--
and it works?
128
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:25,434
Then why am I here with you
129
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:27,767
instead of knee-deep
in Jamie Lee Curtis?
130
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,501
If this stuff makes me
irresistible...
131
00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:30,934
No, Duckman,
not irresistible.
132
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,734
There's just enough
to intrigue one woman.
133
00:06:32,801 --> 00:06:34,234
The rest is up to you.
134
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:35,567
Given your proven record
135
00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:37,567
of mind-bogglingly
destructive excess
136
00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:39,400
we felt giving you
more than that
137
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,400
would be like giving
Michael Jackson
138
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,734
a drum of peanut oil
and some Cub Scouts...
139
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:45,067
allegedly.
140
00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:47,901
So this is all there is?
No more?
141
00:06:47,968 --> 00:06:51,133
It must have been difficult
to make.
142
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,734
Nice try, Dad.
143
00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:54,834
We're not telling
you what's in it,
and we won't make more.
144
00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:57,067
This is it,
so use it wisely.
145
00:06:57,133 --> 00:06:58,601
You're so right, of course.
146
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,934
Thank you, beautiful children,
dear friend
147
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,701
for your caring devotion,
your...
148
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,701
Aw, come on,
what are we waiting for?
149
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,534
Group hug, right now.
150
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:07,868
Come here.
151
00:07:07,934 --> 00:07:09,200
(all sighing)
152
00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:10,534
(door closing)
153
00:07:10,601 --> 00:07:12,534
Dad, did you
hear the door?
154
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:13,868
Dad?
155
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,801
He's gone.
156
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:17,801
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
157
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:19,133
You don't think
he'd find some way
158
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,534
to circumvent our wishes
159
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:23,200
and turn our well-intentioned
deed into a hedonistic fiasco?
160
00:07:23,267 --> 00:07:25,167
We shouldn't let him out
of our sight for one second.
161
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:27,133
MAN:
Next up on the House of Style
marathon--
162
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,868
the swimsuit special.
163
00:07:28,934 --> 00:07:31,534
ALL:
Wow!
164
00:07:40,534 --> 00:07:42,801
Good old House of Style
swimsuit special.
165
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:44,167
They'll be hyp-mo-tized.
166
00:07:44,234 --> 00:07:46,200
That gives me a half hour
to figure out how to whip up
167
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:47,467
enough of this jungle juice
168
00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:48,934
to get my nail hammered
for life.
169
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,667
Fortunately, with Stein
and his brood out of town
170
00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:53,934
his private lab and library
are mine, all mine.
171
00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:03,400
Pur-ty.
172
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,701
But no time to stop
and smell the rosewood.
173
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,901
I got to put the Bunsens
on afterburners.
174
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:14,234
(liquid percolating)
175
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,400
Excellent!
176
00:08:16,467 --> 00:08:19,100
I've used my newfound expertise
in biochemistry
177
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:20,934
to synthesize the aphrodisiac.
178
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,067
Oh, Duckman,
look what you can achieve
179
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:24,334
if you're motivated.
180
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,400
If you would just put
this much energy
181
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:27,901
into improving your mind.
182
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:30,501
Yee-ha! There's a lot
of guys smarter than me,
183
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:32,934
but I get all the ginch
I want and then some.
184
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,534
Good point.
185
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,167
And now I begin a sordid,
well-lubed flesh-fest
186
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:40,501
that won't end till I've toasted
every marshmallow in town.
187
00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:41,868
Zow-wee!
188
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:43,634
I'll have to play this one
close to the vestal.
189
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:46,300
I'll enjoy more cupcakes
if I start with tiny bites.
190
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:49,334
Just a wee nibble at a time
until my posse drops its guard
191
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,167
and then... whoa, Nellie!
192
00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:53,267
And Nellie's roommate.
193
00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:55,701
Now, if I don't change
my usual routine,
194
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:58,567
no one will be the wiser.
195
00:08:58,634 --> 00:09:02,868
(dance music playing)
196
00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:27,868
* *
197
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,534
Oh!
198
00:09:48,601 --> 00:09:51,367
Watch where you're going,
you corn-colored smudge-pot,
199
00:09:51,434 --> 00:09:52,567
you bong-shaped earwig,
200
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,400
you slime-encrusted,
dinghy-donged,
201
00:09:54,467 --> 00:09:55,934
crud-mongering lizard larva!
202
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,267
Bernice, I know
why you're upset.
203
00:09:57,334 --> 00:09:59,334
You misplaced a bug,
a stick, and your head
204
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,133
but a proctologist
could help you find them.
205
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,734
Well, got to go!
Got a big date!
206
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:04,434
A big date?
207
00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:05,767
You?
208
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:10,767
Hmm...
209
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:14,000
Of all the stupid, thoughtless,
210
00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:17,567
chauvinistic,
brain-dead ideas...
211
00:10:17,634 --> 00:10:21,234
What could you possibly
have been thinking?!
212
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:23,734
Ajax, honey, I don't blame you.
213
00:10:23,801 --> 00:10:27,300
You're not smart enough to come
up with a plan this stupid.
214
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:29,701
And Charles and Mambo,
while I expect more from you,
215
00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,467
you can't be blamed
for the poor example
216
00:10:31,534 --> 00:10:35,100
set by your so-called
adult supervision!
217
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,434
Bernice, it's only fair
that I take some of the blame.
218
00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:39,367
Wrong! You get
all the blame!
219
00:10:39,434 --> 00:10:40,634
You turned my house
220
00:10:40,701 --> 00:10:42,634
into an episode
of Weird Science!
221
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:43,634
Yeah.
222
00:10:43,701 --> 00:10:45,634
And as for you...!
223
00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:46,634
(gulps)
224
00:10:46,701 --> 00:10:48,334
If what they
tell me is true
225
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,501
they only gave you
a tiny, little bit.
226
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,534
So how'd you hook
every woman in the Southland
227
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:53,934
and still smell
like an explosion
228
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,367
at the Old Spice plant?
229
00:10:56,434 --> 00:10:58,701
And why is Benjamin Franklin
taking my stove apart?
230
00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:01,467
The jig is up--
run, wastebasket, run.
231
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,534
Bernice, let's cut
to the chaste.
232
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,934
I freely admit
I made more of the formula.
233
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,667
I just wouldn't be able
to live with myself
234
00:11:11,734 --> 00:11:14,601
if I didn't come clean and
surrender the rest of it to you.
235
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:15,868
Here you go.
236
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:17,000
This is all of it.
237
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,267
The whole thingy.
238
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:20,634
I'm tapped out now,
no mo'.
239
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:21,968
Hmm...
240
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:24,467
I have no choice
but to trust you.
241
00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:25,868
(laughing)
242
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:28,400
That's right. Trust me.
Overestimate my character.
243
00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:29,968
I'll keep the formula hidden,
244
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:31,634
lay low
till they forget about it,
245
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:34,367
and then it's back to better
living through chemistry.
246
00:11:34,434 --> 00:11:36,033
I'll know
when the time is right.
247
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,100
I'm exhausted.
I'm going to sleep.
248
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,300
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
249
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:41,133
The time is right!
250
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,534
CORNFED:
Duckman.
251
00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:49,934
Duckman, you ready
252
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,200
to go to work?
253
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:52,200
What do you mean, work?
254
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:54,701
Tuesday?
The Saperstein stakeout?
255
00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:55,734
Oh, right.
256
00:11:55,801 --> 00:11:57,534
The Saperstein stakeout.
257
00:11:57,601 --> 00:12:00,834
Last one in the car
has to deal with the Greek.
258
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:03,033
(glass breaking)
259
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,934
(shouting)
Yes, sir.
260
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,767
Yes, Mr. Papandreo.
Son of a biscuit!
261
00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:09,267
Shove it up your Macedonia,
Mr. Papandreo,
262
00:12:09,334 --> 00:12:10,734
you Greek son of...
263
00:12:10,801 --> 00:12:12,734
What's his problem
this time?
264
00:12:12,801 --> 00:12:13,734
I don't know.
265
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,267
Who gives a couscous?!
266
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,400
Stop the presses!
You see what I see?
267
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:19,434
Holy exclamation
of surprise, Duckman.
268
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:20,901
It's Courtney Thorne-Smith.
269
00:12:20,968 --> 00:12:21,901
Courtney who-huh?
270
00:12:21,968 --> 00:12:23,200
From Melrose Place.
271
00:12:23,267 --> 00:12:25,100
She was so sexy
in Summer School,
272
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,067
so smart and sassy
on Day by Day.
273
00:12:27,133 --> 00:12:28,567
Plus, she's got
a pair of huskies
274
00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:29,767
that go to the Yukon
and back.
275
00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:31,968
Whoof-a. What a quail.
276
00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:33,267
I got to talk to her.
277
00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:37,267
Damn. No liquid loving.
278
00:12:37,334 --> 00:12:38,868
Boy, and the one time
I really need it.
279
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,467
After all, the only way
I ever get to broil
280
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,300
a snapper like that is if she
comes up to me and says...
281
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:43,534
Excuse me.
282
00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,834
I couldn't help noticing you
across the street.
283
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:51,234
No more formula, eh?
284
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:52,234
Ha!
285
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:54,234
I smell a rat!
286
00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:57,234
A big sitcommy rat!
287
00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:02,534
Hi, I'm...
288
00:13:02,601 --> 00:13:03,767
No need to tell me
who you are.
289
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:05,767
Uh, miss.. Jessica?
290
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:06,934
Parker? Lewis?
291
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,467
Or may I... simply
call you Jodie?
292
00:13:09,534 --> 00:13:10,734
(suppressed giggle)
293
00:13:10,801 --> 00:13:13,067
My really close friends
call me "Courtney."
294
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:15,701
Well, Courtney,
I'm, uh, Duckman.
295
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:18,267
Duckman, I hope
I'm not being too forward...
296
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:19,801
Trust me, it's
your best angle.
297
00:13:19,868 --> 00:13:20,968
Thank you.
298
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:23,634
I never do this,
but I noticed you out here
299
00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:25,968
and I felt like
I had to talk to you.
300
00:13:26,033 --> 00:13:27,467
Wait a sec...
you noticed me?
301
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:28,467
How can that be?
302
00:13:28,534 --> 00:13:29,767
I'm a private detective
303
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:30,767
on a stakeout.
304
00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:32,100
I'm supposed
to blend in
305
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:33,667
disappear,
keep my profile low.
306
00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:34,834
Please don't be upset.
307
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,367
It was low--
very, very, low.
308
00:13:36,434 --> 00:13:37,701
Just... really low.
309
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:39,100
Yeah, right.
No, really!
310
00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,234
Other than that,
you were Mr. Low Profile.
311
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,234
Honest.
312
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,567
Well, I am a professional.
313
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:51,934
So, Duckman,
make a fool out of me, eh?
314
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,534
I'll turn that house upside down
315
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,234
until I find your hidden stash
of formula
316
00:13:57,300 --> 00:14:00,167
and who will have
the last laugh, then, eh,
317
00:14:00,234 --> 00:14:01,667
Duckman, my twitty?!
318
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:03,868
(laughing wickedly)
319
00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:08,000
(screams)
320
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,300
And that is
why, in Togo
321
00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:13,434
biscuits are
called "duckmen."
322
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,267
But here I'm
yakking about me.
323
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,334
What I want to hear
about is you.
324
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,400
Me?
325
00:14:18,467 --> 00:14:20,801
Well, my hometown
was founded in
326
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:22,434
sex, sex, fondle, lick, lick,
327
00:14:22,501 --> 00:14:24,300
sex, breasts, sex, lick, sex,
328
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:26,033
sex, restraints, oils, sex,
329
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:27,367
velour, sex, sex...
330
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:30,300
But all kids get picked on,
you know?
331
00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:31,300
Yeah, sure.
332
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:32,801
Tha-that... thing you said.
333
00:14:32,868 --> 00:14:34,434
I think your friend
is waving at you.
334
00:14:34,501 --> 00:14:36,300
Friend? Nope, nope,
i'm here alone.
335
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:37,334
Duckman.
336
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,701
He's not a friend of yours?
337
00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:40,234
No, never met
the gentleman.
338
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,734
I need you
to cover for me.
339
00:14:41,801 --> 00:14:43,367
I have to go
to the bathroom.
340
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,267
He sure seems like
a friend of yours.
341
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:47,133
If we were friends,
would I shriek at him
342
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,467
in a piercing,
deranged voice?
343
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:49,601
Go away! Go away!
344
00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:51,667
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
345
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:52,667
Just go!
346
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,901
Um... let me ask
you something.
347
00:14:59,968 --> 00:15:01,000
Would you like
to have dinner?
348
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,267
Dinner? I'd love to.
349
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:03,834
Wait.
Didn't you just have dinner?
350
00:15:03,901 --> 00:15:05,667
Me? No, I haven't
eaten yet.
351
00:15:05,734 --> 00:15:07,667
Miss Thorne-Smith,
you left your purse
352
00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:08,734
when you had dinner.
353
00:15:08,801 --> 00:15:09,734
Go away! Go away!
354
00:15:09,801 --> 00:15:10,734
Leave me alone!
355
00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:11,734
Fun, isn't it?
356
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:12,734
It is.
357
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,100
* *
358
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:53,601
(Duckman and Courtney laughing)
359
00:15:54,734 --> 00:15:56,501
(both laughing)
360
00:15:56,567 --> 00:15:58,167
Shh! Shh!
361
00:15:58,234 --> 00:15:59,601
(both laugh)
362
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:00,934
So...
363
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,567
this is your room, huh?
364
00:16:02,634 --> 00:16:03,734
It's interesting.
365
00:16:03,801 --> 00:16:05,400
Yeah. Gee, I'm sorry
366
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,067
the place
is so... sloppy.
367
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,734
I... I hope you're
not offended by...
368
00:16:09,801 --> 00:16:11,400
all the adult magazines.
369
00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:12,734
I... research, um...
370
00:16:12,801 --> 00:16:13,934
Duckman, don't worry.
371
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,033
I don't see anything wrong
with a man
372
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,567
having a healthy interest
in magazines like
373
00:16:18,634 --> 00:16:21,868
Asian Pregnant AmputeesShaving Each Other Monthly.
374
00:16:21,934 --> 00:16:24,200
It's, uh... it's good
to have a hobby.
375
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:26,367
I have other interests, too.
376
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:27,434
(squeaks)
377
00:16:27,501 --> 00:16:29,067
Yeah, I'll just bet you do.
378
00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:31,968
Name one hobby that has nothing
to do with sex.
379
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:33,534
Uh... ha...
380
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:35,467
Are you sure there are some?
381
00:16:35,534 --> 00:16:36,634
No, no, wait. I do.
382
00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:39,133
Now, you're going
to think this is stupid.
383
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:39,868
Try me.
384
00:16:39,934 --> 00:16:41,667
Well, okay...
385
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,167
I'm nuts about...
386
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:44,667
blaxploitation films.
387
00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:45,667
No way!
388
00:16:45,734 --> 00:16:46,667
You're kidding.
389
00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,501
I love blaxploitation films.
390
00:16:48,567 --> 00:16:49,067
Really?!
391
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,734
Oh, yeah!
392
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,801
All the classics--
Die, You Black Mother,
393
00:16:52,868 --> 00:16:54,501
Scream, Blackenstein, Scream...
394
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:55,834
And the biggest, baddest
395
00:16:55,901 --> 00:16:57,367
black detective
of them all--
396
00:16:57,434 --> 00:17:00,634
BOTH:
Jim Slate, Big Black Dick.
397
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:03,067
BOTH:
* Who's the bad black
detective man *
398
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,367
* Who gets things done
any way he can? *
399
00:17:05,434 --> 00:17:06,868
* Jim Slate *
400
00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:08,434
* Big black dick *
401
00:17:08,501 --> 00:17:10,601
* He's a clean-lovin' mother *
402
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:12,934
* Who'll sacrifice
for a brother *
403
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,601
* Jim Slate *
404
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,200
* Big black dick. *
405
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:17,534
Oh, yeah!
406
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:18,901
(breaking wind)
407
00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:23,400
Whoa!
408
00:17:25,234 --> 00:17:27,534
(muffled giggles)
409
00:17:27,601 --> 00:17:29,534
(moaning)
410
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:51,601
That was the best
sex I've ever had.
411
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,767
I don't know how you manage
412
00:17:53,834 --> 00:17:56,801
to be so needy and selfish
at the same time.
413
00:17:58,167 --> 00:18:00,901
Wow! I am only just
getting feeling back
414
00:18:00,968 --> 00:18:02,601
in my fingers and toes.
415
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,367
Told you that anesthetic
would wear off.
416
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:06,534
Hey, I don't know why
417
00:18:06,601 --> 00:18:09,133
but I think my family
was acting weird this morning.
418
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,467
You got to understand, they're
not as sophisticated as I am.
419
00:18:12,534 --> 00:18:15,200
Plus, I don't often get
celebrity hubba-jubba.
420
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:16,534
No, they were fine.
421
00:18:16,601 --> 00:18:19,300
Though your son Ajax
has quite a firm grip.
422
00:18:19,367 --> 00:18:21,667
Ajax, let go
of Courtney's hand.
423
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,300
Okay, Dad.
424
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:26,067
Can I call you
Mo-o-o-o-m-m?
425
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:27,400
Will he be
all right?
426
00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:28,601
Four steel plates.
427
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:29,767
He's a trooper.
428
00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:32,234
Courtney, um... I have
to wonder, you know
429
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,901
what a successful,
intelligent
430
00:18:33,968 --> 00:18:35,133
bit of honey like you
431
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,901
sees in a schmo-o-rama
like me.
432
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:39,934
You know how smart women
make foolish choices?
433
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,667
Well, I'm very smart.
434
00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:43,601
I hope that
doesn't offend you.
435
00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:45,501
Nah. If I had a nickel
for every time I heard that,
436
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:47,667
I wouldn't have had
to steal your diamond earrings.
437
00:18:47,734 --> 00:18:49,801
Thanks to you,
I've learned the difference
438
00:18:49,868 --> 00:18:51,934
between the right kind of love
and the wrong kind of love...
439
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,701
the kind I've been chasing
for the last few days--
440
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:56,801
hell, for most of my life--
but that's over now.
441
00:18:56,868 --> 00:18:58,267
So, want to have lunch today?
442
00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:00,200
Sure! I will take you
to Gary's Deli
443
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:02,701
for the actual
Courtney Thorne-Smith sandwich--
444
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,667
ham and cream cheese
on white bread.
445
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:06,434
No tongue?
Har-har.
446
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:08,601
Tell me: What's the
perfect Duckman sandwich?
447
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:10,534
Well, it involves you
and Daphne Zuniga,
448
00:19:10,601 --> 00:19:12,634
but we'll talk about that
as we get closer to my birthday.
449
00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:14,801
(chuckles)
450
00:19:14,868 --> 00:19:16,801
Guys, I have
to tell you someth...
451
00:19:16,868 --> 00:19:18,000
What? What happened?
452
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,868
Oh. What a coincidence.
453
00:19:21,934 --> 00:19:23,033
That's wh...
454
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,534
Nice try,
you dreck-dripping drake!
455
00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:26,701
You lied to us!
456
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:28,000
And Courtney--
457
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,968
this isn't
some blind Seinfeld sicko,
458
00:19:30,033 --> 00:19:32,501
but a sweet, caring woman
who deserves better
459
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:35,300
than to be fooled
into loving you by some potion!
460
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:36,300
You're wrong!
461
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:37,801
I didn't use it
last night.
462
00:19:37,868 --> 00:19:39,200
Courtney loves me for me!
463
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:41,501
Some people never
experience this,
464
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:43,701
but I've been blessed enough
to find it twice.
465
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:46,634
And instead of being happy for
me, you accuse me and insult me.
466
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:47,968
And when you say I'm some loser
467
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:49,901
who used a love potion
to trick Courtney
468
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:51,167
into sleeping
with me,
469
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:52,234
well, then you're
insulting Courtney,
470
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:53,767
and I will not
let you do that!
471
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,601
Wait here!
472
00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:57,601
You think I care
about this formula?
473
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,234
Here, take it.
Throw it away!
474
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:00,234
I don't need it.
475
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,467
I'm in love with her,
476
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,000
and she's in love with me
for who we are.
477
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:07,133
Duckman, I'm sorry.
478
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,167
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
Sorry, Duckman.
479
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,467
Courtney!
What are you...?
480
00:20:13,534 --> 00:20:16,133
I came back just...
to see you again.
481
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,634
I missed you that much.
482
00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:20,667
I heard what you said,
Duckman, and it was beautiful.
483
00:20:20,734 --> 00:20:23,200
Turns out you're not
a foolish choice after all.
484
00:20:23,267 --> 00:20:25,868
You're... you're actually
a pretty great choice.
485
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:28,067
So I have to break up with you.
486
00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:29,167
ALL:
What?!
487
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:30,968
I only make
foolish choices, remember?
488
00:20:31,033 --> 00:20:32,801
I think you are
the most caring,
489
00:20:32,868 --> 00:20:35,133
supportive, sensitive man
I've ever met.
490
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,634
And I've been
to the Prime-time Emmy Awards.
491
00:20:37,701 --> 00:20:39,467
Clearly, I would be happy
with you forever.
492
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:41,133
That's why I have
to leave you.
493
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,801
But couldn't you make
an exception?
494
00:20:42,868 --> 00:20:44,601
I'd like to,
but I'm a celebrity.
495
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:46,667
I make foolish choices
all the time.
496
00:20:46,734 --> 00:20:48,634
To change now
would be disastrous.
497
00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:51,200
I'm sorry, Duckman.
498
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:54,501
Maybe someday I'll make
the right choice after all.
499
00:20:56,767 --> 00:20:58,367
(whispering):
Bye.
500
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,334
ANNOUNCER:
Next on Melrose Place:
501
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,634
Allison finds out
the man in her life...
502
00:21:05,701 --> 00:21:07,434
ANNOUNCER 2:
Coming up next:
503
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:10,100
Seinfeld...
504
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,934
Yeah, uh... hi. Irma?
505
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,601
You know who this is?
506
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:16,601
Yeah, that's-that's right.
507
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:18,968
Well, I haven't seen you
in a long time.
508
00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:20,968
I thought
maybe we'd get together.
509
00:21:21,033 --> 00:21:22,167
Really?
510
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:24,334
Well, I happen
to know for a fact
511
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,367
you're not
who you say you are.
512
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:28,367
I'm onto you, sicko!
513
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:35,100
JASON ALEXANDER:
I swear, I've never
met you before.
514
00:21:35,167 --> 00:21:37,167
Tell you what-- let me go,
and we'll forget
515
00:21:37,234 --> 00:21:38,801
the whole thing, okay... Irma?
516
00:21:38,868 --> 00:21:41,234
Tonight I'm not Irma.
517
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,734
Tonight call me...
"Vandelay."
518
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:47,200
I wish you'd brought
that duck suit.
519
00:21:47,267 --> 00:21:49,200
(psycho violin shrieking)
520
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:58,968
(Jason Alexander laughing)
521
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:00,901
COURTNEY:
* For a brother *
522
00:22:00,968 --> 00:22:03,567
BOTH:
* Sacrifice for a brother *
523
00:22:03,634 --> 00:22:05,968
I get it now.
524
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,334
BOTH:
* He's a clean-lovin' mother,
sacrifice for a brother *
525
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:09,767
(Courtney laughing)
526
00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:11,000
BOTH:
* Jim Slate *
527
00:22:11,067 --> 00:22:13,667
* Big black dick... *
528
00:22:13,734 --> 00:22:15,701
Okay. I think...
Okay.
529
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:17,167
MAN:
Two, three and...
530
00:22:17,234 --> 00:22:18,901
BOTH:
* Who's the bad
black detective... *
531
00:22:18,968 --> 00:22:19,901
I messed
up already.
532
00:22:19,968 --> 00:22:21,067
That's okay.
533
00:22:21,133 --> 00:22:22,501
* Who's the bad
black detect... *
534
00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:23,667
I can't do
it together!
535
00:22:23,734 --> 00:22:25,000
*...Who gets things done? *
536
00:22:25,067 --> 00:22:26,667
(both laughing)
537
00:22:26,734 --> 00:22:29,300
I'm so overwhelmed!
538
00:22:35,167 --> 00:22:37,934
DUCKMAN:
Don't you give meyour smart-aleck back talk!
38187
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