Original subtitles

(exotic Middle Eastern music plays)

(Big Band jazz music plays)

(wind blowing)

DUCKMAN: * ...Bottles of scotch on the wall *

* 99 bottles of scotch *

* if one of those bottles gets puked on the floor... *

Mr. Duckman...

(whistling)

Mr. Duckman, if you,

as a chaperon on your son's class trip,

cannot act with a modicum of decorum

I'll rip out your heart and feed it to my dingo.

Oh, look at me shaking,

Mr. Bighead Psychiatrist Bus Driver.

(humming)

(tires screeching)

(yelling)

Ooh...

Please stand behind the yellow line.

(screaming)

Come on, Sally Jessy, it's my turn on top.

It's probably not a good idea to harass Dr. Stein

who was pressed into service when the state cut funding

for Ajax's school's bus driver, sports programs, arts programs,

education programs and building fund.

Hey, it's the '90s.

If kids can't learn in a gravel pit,

let them go out and mug cripples like the rest of us.

Dendron?! You said the field trip

was to Mel's Mud Wrestling Warehouse.

Simmer down, Junior. I figured the only way

to get you to go somewhere with your son

was a sexual-degradation based lie.

Cornbone, you really know me.

Well, I guess we're off on another zany adventure.

You dropped the log line there, old pal.

* We're off on the road *

* To Dendron, buddy *

* We're going *

* Because of my son... *

A chip off the old blockhead.

* We don't know what we'll find *

* In Dendron, buddy *

* But we're legally obligated *

* To make it fun *

* I'll suffer pain and great humiliation *

It suits you.

* I'll rant and fume and call Bernice a hag *

Who says chivalry's dead?

* And since we want to get to syndication *

* You know we're both gonna end up in drag *

* We're off on the road *

* To Dendron, buddy *

* And that's also the name of this song *

* For copyright purposes *

* We don't know what we'll find *

* In Dendron, buddy *

* But we know it's gotta be *

* 23 minutes and 19 seconds long. *

Quiet, please.

I'm trying to drive.

(screaming)

(tires screeching)

(students cheering)

Bad news, Stein.

You missed a pothole 300 miles back.

Come on, Dad.

Everyone's going to the desert to see a pair of mids

where you can play soccer for Gus.

Pyramids.

Sarcophagus.

Ajax, you want to stare at a bunch

of pointy-top coffins, go ahead.

Me and Cornfeed, we're going to check out the real Dendron.

Excuse me.

You look like you've been around the oasis a few times.

You know where I can find some hookers?

(grunts)

Hey, if you don't speak English, just say so.

Make way for the Princess of Dendron.

Make way for the Princess of Dendron.

Thanks for the exposition.

Who's tall, dark and creepy?

Beware. Beware.

That is the sultan's fakir, Achmed al-Wazir,

an evil man full of tricks and tortures and torments.

It is said that when the moon is full, he...

All right.

Thank you. We'll be in touch.

I'm deeply, deeply in love.

I'd better not tell Duckman.

Nookie. Royal nookie.

I got everything I want in the palm of my hand,

and it's not even me.

I'd better not tell Duckman.

Say, Corny, why don't you and Ajax check out the sights.

I'm going to hail a camel

and head off aimlessly, any direction,

certainly not trying to follow that carriage,

'cause I really couldn't care less where it's going.

No, Duckman. He's your son.

You show him around, and I'll find us a room.

Say, isn't that a Motel 6

over in the direction that carriage went?

Come. (yells)

Hey, none of that now.

At least, let's talk first.

Oh. It's a knife.

(snapping fingers)

Good. They have surrendered their consciousness.

But I did not hypnotize that one.

Duckman, he's gone.

Who?

Ajax.

Ajax who?

Ajax your son.

Ajax my son who?

Not important.

Now's the part where we run.

Ha ha! They fell.

Whoa!

Oy.

They got away, but I think

they may have picked up the wrong basket.

Damn. Now, we're gonna have to wait for years

till all these baskets are sold

and someone comes back complaining there's a dead body in one.

We could search them.

Oh, search them.

Listen to the fancy-pantsy college man.

All right, fine. Let's search them.

(yells)

Sorry. Thought I saw him.

He's gone.

He's really gone.

We've looked for hours. Nothing.

How could I lose my only son?

You know what I mean, the one I like.

I'm more tired than Madonna's plumber

with a mouthful of Mentos.

You don't even care

if your jokes make sense anymore, do you?

Not since the second season.

I'm just sub-referencing for the hell of it now.

I'm worried that Ajax might be in the clutches

of the filthiest, greediest animals on Earth.

Cable system operators?

Slave traders.

We may need to buy his freedom.

And since you spent our money on a gag photo of us

standing in front of a fake backdrop of a desert bazaar,

we have a problem.

Relax, Paddy O'Link.

Achmach over there

is all the cabbage we need.

Let's lay a number 47 on him.

My high school pep squad, the Nile High Club

is selling magazines

to raise money for a trip to Epcot.

Do you currently get Redbook?

What? I am the sultan of Dendron.

Hey, okay. Chill.

Can you at least change a ten-piaster coin?

Huh? What?

Very well.

Oh, uh, this isn't a ten. It's a 25.

Take the fives back, and that's two tens and a five.

Let's see, that's ten, and this is what, a 20?

So, take ten, give me five,

you take the 20, and give me the tens...

Enough! Keep the tens.

Just leave me be, you idiot.

That was close.

I'm sure glad you didn't do something stupid like... uh-oh.

Hey, Jamie Farr!

So, I'm an idiot, huh?

Well, we just ran the oldest con in the book on you.

That's right.

I, an idiot, and my partner--

who you hookah-happy, falafel-fluffing, hump-hoppers

think is unclean--

just fleeced you out of a dungload of cash

and I'm glad.

(stammering)

That was, um, a monologue from...

From The Moron and His Friend Are Allowed To Live--

a new play we're rehearsing.

(murmuring)

Written by Salman Rushdie.

You couldn't have said David Mamet?

Fresh filet at 2:00.

The princess.

I think she's naked.

She wears it well.

(screaming)

Had enough?

You can't keep us here, you know.

We're Americans. We have rights.

Including the right to bear arms.

So, could we, like, have some guns?

Liberals.

Ow! What's with the hair mail?

It's from the princess.

"My strong, handsome hero.

"I bring good news.

"The one you seek, Ajax, is rumored to be alive and well

and somewhere close by..."

Wee-yeah.

"Ever since the bazaar, I've known you are my destiny.

"But my father, the sultan, is very angry.

I beg, but he will only spare one of you."

Blah, blah, blah. "Heart has wings."

Blah, blah, blah. "Ancient pleasure techniques."

Blah, blah, blah. "Hot oils."

The rest is fairly dry stuff.

Poor kid's got it bad.

What she needs is a dose of vitamin D.

Then she'll need some penicillin.

Don't flip your wigly, pigly.

When they drag you to the behead office,

I'll put in a good word for you.

That is, after I save Ajax.

Ah, Ouija Board and Sergio.

Be gentle when you take him away...!

(yelling)

* The princess loves me *

* The princess loves me *

* Princess... *

* Loves me... *

What am I doing?

Dancing for four days,

forgetting about Ajax and Duckman.

Why would I behave so carelessly, so unlike myself?

MAN: The password is...

No woman is worth jeopardizing your friends' lives for,

except Elle MacPherson or Julie Moran from ET.

Or Martha Stewart.

Mmm.

I've got to try to save Duckman.

DUCKMAN: Stop! No!

You're killing me!

I can't take it!

No more!

No!

You're tickling, you bad girl, you.

You've got to admit.

The kid's got style.

Oh! No fair tickling.

Just polish the toenails, not the heel.

All I see is heel.

Very nice.

Look, they would have killed you four days ago.

If not for me,

you'd be a football by now.

Besides, don't play so innocent.

* The princess loves me *

* The princess loves me... *

All right, we were both wrong.

So, is the princess incredible?

Ah... unbelievable.

Darling, what is he doing here?

She looks exactly like...

An angel. Yes!

Cornfed, this is Princess Fallopia,

my fiancee.

Mr. Cornfed, I am happy you are safe,

but it is dangerous for you to be here.

If my father knew...

He won't, my little sand crab.

FALLOPIA: Something strange is going on

at a large storage tent outside of camp.

Someone mentioned a wicker basket.

It may be Ajax's.

Here's a map.

Please be careful, my stallion.

I need you to kiss my buttery lips,

caress my creamy skin,

sip from the milk of my passion.

Not in front of the easant-pay.

(giggling)

You know, of course, that any chance of a comic,

song-filled competition for her is dead and gone.

Along with my libido-- dating Ajax's twin.

Hey, I'm a charter member of the horny hall of fame,

but, I mean, there's some issues here.

So I paid a cook to slip her a mickey at dinner every night.

Next morning, she doesn't remember a thing.

So I tell that tall tail a tall tale

about how sex-sational I was.

Now, let's go get Ajax.

This map doesn't say which tent.

Corny, if you were a wicker basket,

where would you be?

Oh, no.

Don't you worry, Corny. Follow me.

Dad!

Duckman, how did you...?

(sniffs)

Never mind.

Huh?

(sniffs)

Oh, my God.

Come on, please, something happen.

Duckman, you can't save us

by just rubbing some magic lamp.

Who said anything about a magic lamp.

Come on, come on!

I pray you're only a mirage.

Hey, scarab, I'm tired of traveling worst class.

Perhaps you'd re-think your lack of manners and hygiene

if we slipped some gunga dinero your way.

Will you shut up?!

Who here is the hostage, I ask?

Me? No, I don't think so.

Our tour guide's giving me 1,001 frights.

How did I let you get me into this?

Yes, it was rotten of me

to give in to your pleas to accompany you.

Perhaps you could explain your madman's scheme to us

in the time-honored fashion of over-confident villains.

As you wish.

For me to rise to the throne,

I must kill the princess.

This I will achieve at the sultan's banquet

by substituting poison for the nightly sleeping potion

you've been giving her. Swish.

The NBA finals really are seen in 83 countries.

Then you'll tell the sultan

that we plotted to kill the princess,

so the sultan will kill us.

Exactly.

Fortunately, the banquet isn't for hours,

leaving us time for some entertaining torture.

And here we are.

Behold...

(evil laughter)

the tent of terror!

Enter if ye dare.

Try to keep this closed.

We have a problem with gnats.

(screaming)

You like?

The wall mirrors really do seem to add space.

Harem-scarem, Corny,

they're going to dip one of us into that fire.

Well, I've already been kicking around

some ideas for your eulogy,

so why don't you just step up there, and...

(yells)

Ow!

Higher and deeper with the baby powder, son. I...

Hey, why am I smelling 11 herbs and spices?

Egad! Death, rotisserie-style!

(speaking gibberish)

(both gasping)

Ah!!

(coughing and panting)

What took you so long?

No, Ajax, come on.

Why did I put in that water slide?

After them!

(all yelling)

(whooping)

(screaming)

We've got to get to the banquet

and stop that toast.

But I like toast.

It's the muffins that must be stopped.

Okay, son, now you're starting to scare the viewers.

Look! An approaching camel.

We got to somehow swing ourselves onto it

as it races by.

CORNFED: All right.

Way to go.

I will make this toast quick.

I understand the nomads are in a hurry to relocate.

(forced laughter)

Yes, well...

(clearing throat)

Let us drink to the most brilliant flower

of all the Nile,

my daughter, Fallopia.

(yelling)

A thousand pardons, Your Heinous Highness.

We are but bumbling waiters only wishing to serve thee.

Wine can make an excellent burn salve.

It is hint from Heloise.

Switch the glasses now.

What manner of chicanery is this?

Take them away!

Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man,

bake me a cake as fast as you...

(grunting)

My sincerest apologies, Your Majesty.

Please continue.

To Fallopia.

One moment, please.

Um, it is written that no one may drink

until the shimmy of 10,000 veils is complete.

Is this not true, Cornferezzade?

Yes. I mean...

(clearing throat)

Yes.

Why, you sultry little sultan of swing.

I'd smoke your hookah anytime.

Never before have I seen

two damsels so dainty, so delicate.

They are the essence of femininity itself.

Too bad I'm gay. Begone.

I told you it was step-pivot-step.

(both grunting and arguing)

Wait one moment.

I know of these two.

(teeth chattering)

It is the bumbling waiters... in drag!

Have you any more foolish ways of delaying this toast?

Just a couple.

Jennifer Flowers... and a yak.

Haw-haw! Jennifer Flow...

Enough! You two are awful!

Thank Allah, comedy teams are dead.

Everyone, hurry up and drink

before these buffoons stop us again.

BOTH: Good thing I was finally able to switch goblets.

(both yelling)

(slurping)

(gagging)

(choking)

Your daughter is, dare I say, spectacularly dead.

Dead? If my Fallopia is dead,

then I can no longer go on living.

That was kind of, like, the game plan.

Y-you mean...?

Yes! I am responsible for her death.

With both of you out of the way,

I will become the next ruler of Dendron

and I tell this to you now, knowing that nothing

could possibly, possibly, possibly go wrong.

(moaning)

(gasping)

(burping)

The princess will be in great agony

after taking a spill like that.

Uh-oh. I suddenly remember

that I, Ajax, switched places with the princess.

Ow.

She lives.

Guards, seize this fakir!

One thing confuses me.

Why did you bother kidnapping Ajax?

Why? I'll tell you why.

(loud chewing)

And that's why I did it!

(demented laughter)

Good work, Ajax.

Switching places with the princess

and pretending to drink the poison...

Pretending to drink?

(laughing) (laughing)

Don't worry, son.

If you can hold on through the finale,

I'm sure there's an antidote booth

in the bazaar.

Duckman, now we can get married.

Forget it, honey.

Sing, and we're out.

(no audio)

* We're off on the road to Dendron, buddy *

* And that's also the name of this song *

* We don't know what we'll find *

* In Dendron, buddy *

* But we know it's gotta be *

* 23 minutes and 19 seconds lo... *

Swish!