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1
00:00:24,234 --> 00:00:26,067
(duck quacks)
2
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,701
(horns honking)
3
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:34,100
(sirens wailing)
4
00:00:39,767 --> 00:00:41,100
Hmm.
5
00:00:47,801 --> 00:00:49,334
Ouch!
6
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,868
Hey, it's a hospital zone.
7
00:00:50,934 --> 00:00:52,033
Keep it down.
8
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:54,100
(crashing)
9
00:00:57,734 --> 00:01:00,334
Uh, hello? Do any of you
thermometer jockeys care
10
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,167
that these people are suffering?
11
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:04,634
(gasps)
Sir, I'm the head nurse.
12
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:06,267
Well, that's incredibly
obliging of you
13
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,501
but I got to take
a rain check
14
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,834
'cause I'm running
a little late.
15
00:01:08,901 --> 00:01:11,567
There's a motion a-picture
a-crew doing
16
00:01:11,634 --> 00:01:13,467
some location-type stuff
in your little chop shop
17
00:01:13,534 --> 00:01:14,834
and they're waiting
for you-know-who
18
00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:16,100
to make his film debut.
19
00:01:16,167 --> 00:01:17,467
Well, unless you count
the little thing I did
20
00:01:17,534 --> 00:01:19,501
with the zebra in
the fishnet stockings
21
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,200
but it was spring break
and I was drunk.
22
00:01:21,267 --> 00:01:22,734
I'm sure you
know how it is.
23
00:01:22,801 --> 00:01:25,033
Well, enough yammering,
Lucretia, wrangle my ride,
will ya?
24
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:27,200
M.R.I.?
25
00:01:27,267 --> 00:01:29,033
It sounds so scary.
26
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:31,033
I'm frightened and disoriented.
27
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:32,334
How you doing?
28
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,701
Why, it's legendary guitarist
Joe Walsh.
29
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:35,901
Relax, Molly.
30
00:01:35,968 --> 00:01:37,801
We're gonna teach you
all about M.R.I.
31
00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:38,801
"We"?
32
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:40,701
Me and a friend of mine.
33
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,701
* La-la-la, la-la-la-la,
la-la-la. *
34
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:45,000
Hi, Joe. Hi, Molly.
35
00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:47,801
I'm Lobie, the M.R.I. pixie.
36
00:01:47,868 --> 00:01:52,067
You know, magnetic resonance
imaging sounds scary
37
00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:53,901
but it's easy!
38
00:01:53,968 --> 00:01:56,734
You just climb
into a massive metal cylinder
39
00:01:56,801 --> 00:02:00,400
and your skull is bombarded
with magnetic impulses,
40
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:04,501
causing every atom in your brain
to shudder violently.
41
00:02:04,567 --> 00:02:05,934
Whee!
42
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,501
* La-la-la, la-la-la-la,
la-la. *
43
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:10,534
(crashing)
44
00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:13,868
Nice planning, sticking a light
right where I'm walking.
45
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:14,934
Cut! Cut!
46
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,601
Who are you?
Duckman.
47
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,601
Your eagle-eyed assistant
spotted me at the movies
48
00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:19,734
the other night
and cast me.
49
00:02:19,801 --> 00:02:20,834
There, that's her. Ask her.
50
00:02:20,901 --> 00:02:22,701
Weren't you...
taller?
51
00:02:28,534 --> 00:02:29,467
Ow.
52
00:02:29,534 --> 00:02:31,033
Hey, watch it.
53
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:32,834
Ixnay.
54
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:35,300
(Swedish accent):
Just one a-ticket, please
55
00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:39,167
for I'm only one person,
not two.
56
00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:41,033
Whoa!
57
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,100
(chuckles)
58
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:45,267
Optical illusion probably,
all the fluorescent lights.
59
00:02:45,334 --> 00:02:46,501
Phil, I don't
get it.
60
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,133
I had him playing
Freakishly Tall
61
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,200
Bad Accent Man
Number Two.
62
00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:53,067
(whistling)
63
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:55,567
So, uh, what kind of pic
we lensing here?
64
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,734
Action? Action-thriller?
65
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:57,934
Buddy-action-comedy-
action-thriller?
66
00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,434
Those studios make so many
different kinds.
67
00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:01,033
This isn't a feature film.
68
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,601
Ha! I knew
something was fishy
69
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,434
when I didn't see Gene Hackman
or Tommy Lee Jones.
70
00:03:05,501 --> 00:03:07,000
What is this,
a snuff film?
71
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,834
We're making
a teaching video
72
00:03:08,901 --> 00:03:11,334
for patients of
Medtechumana Hospitals,
73
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,334
and we won't
be needing you.
74
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,334
Thanks, honey,
75
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,701
but I'll wait
until I hear that
76
00:03:15,767 --> 00:03:18,334
from, you know, a man.
77
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,834
Actually, it might
bring the shot to life
78
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,567
if we had a guy
in the M.R.I.
79
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:23,901
And he's perfect--
80
00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:26,667
moronic features,
jaundiced pallor, glassy stare.
81
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:27,868
I also drool.
82
00:03:27,934 --> 00:03:29,701
You're M.R.I. Guy.
Get in.
83
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,334
Joe Walsh!
You're in this?
84
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,667
Actually, I do a lot
of medical videos.
85
00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:38,367
It's fun, interesting,
86
00:03:38,434 --> 00:03:40,367
and they pump my stomach
for free.
87
00:03:40,434 --> 00:03:43,334
DIRECTOR:
Duck... in... now.
88
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,634
Okay, everybody, let's make
this one for the shelf.
89
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:48,701
Give the stick hicks
a pix to nix.
90
00:03:48,767 --> 00:03:51,767
For all the little people
out there in the dark.
91
00:03:56,100 --> 00:04:00,133
Ah, there's nothing as exciting
as being on a movie set.
92
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,934
(snoring)
93
00:04:12,501 --> 00:04:16,501
(echoing):
I'm frightened and disoriented.
94
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:19,501
* La-la-la, la-la-la-la,la-la-la. *
95
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:21,334
You're M.R.I. Guy.
96
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,767
Disoriented.
97
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:30,000
...or as we like
to say, Mriaok.
98
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,934
DIRECTOR:
Uh, Joe, that's M.R.I. A-okay.
99
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,334
Hey, what the..?
100
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,100
Get out of my lab.
We're in the middle of shooting.
101
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:39,968
The only thing
you're shooting
is your mouth off.
102
00:04:40,033 --> 00:04:42,267
Now, I want you and your
merry band to vamoose
103
00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:45,367
or I'll insert this catalog
in your rectoid mucosa
104
00:04:45,434 --> 00:04:47,601
and you'll find out why they
call it the sharper image.
105
00:04:47,667 --> 00:04:49,701
Now scram!
106
00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:53,367
Man, you've got
a lot of rage.
107
00:04:53,434 --> 00:04:55,033
Get a haircut, Ringo.
108
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:00,601
Hello. Hector?
109
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:01,634
Oh, you heard.
110
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,200
Well, I don't care how important
111
00:05:03,267 --> 00:05:05,133
these videos are
to Medtechumana.
112
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,834
My research is more important.
113
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,634
(panting)
114
00:05:08,701 --> 00:05:09,701
Great scott!
115
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,167
I'll call you later.
116
00:05:11,234 --> 00:05:13,567
(muttering)
117
00:05:13,634 --> 00:05:16,000
Once again, Hollywood
articulates itself.
118
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:17,400
(groaning)
119
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,467
(screaming)
120
00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:20,601
(beeping)
121
00:05:28,634 --> 00:05:29,801
(gasping)
122
00:05:29,868 --> 00:05:31,400
Eureka! Eureka!
123
00:05:32,367 --> 00:05:33,868
Eureka, there was a duck.
124
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,100
He left here
a few minutes ago.
125
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,400
Find him.
126
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:40,100
I don't believe
what's in his brain!
127
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:46,000
(panting)
128
00:05:46,067 --> 00:05:48,734
What... what the hell
are you staring at?
129
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:50,834
Got enough tapioca
there, Dad?
130
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:52,200
If you're still hungry,
131
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,367
I think some dripped
behind the stove.
132
00:05:54,434 --> 00:05:56,200
(laughing)
133
00:05:56,267 --> 00:05:57,534
Stoves are funny.
134
00:05:57,601 --> 00:05:58,868
AJAX:
Hey, everyone.
135
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:01,300
Remember last week when
the criminal look-alike
136
00:06:01,367 --> 00:06:04,300
took Grandma-ma's place
until the police presumably put
137
00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:05,634
the right one in prison
138
00:06:05,701 --> 00:06:07,400
and returned
the real Grandma-ma?
139
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:09,767
(evil laughter)
140
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:11,968
for no discernible reason
whatsoever
141
00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:15,300
it was then that I realized
how lonely old people are.
142
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,300
So I had a gnarlatious idea:
143
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:19,701
Give cats who need love
to old people
144
00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:24,167
who... uh... need...
um... old...
145
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:28,968
What's on TV?
146
00:06:29,033 --> 00:06:30,534
Getting back
to your idea, dear,
147
00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:31,968
where will you
get the cats?
148
00:06:32,033 --> 00:06:34,000
Streets, alleys, county vans.
149
00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:37,334
(snarling)
150
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:38,334
(chuckles nervously)
151
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,267
(snarling and hissing)
152
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,834
Grandma-ma, meet Meroke.
153
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,400
(snarling)
154
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:46,734
Ah, that's sweet, Ajax.
155
00:06:46,801 --> 00:06:48,534
There's nothing
like a companion.
156
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,667
(snarling and hissing)
157
00:06:50,734 --> 00:06:51,667
(gasping)
158
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:58,701
Sorry to break
into your outhouse...
159
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:02,267
Oh, my God!
You live here!
160
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:04,100
Who are you,
and what gives you
161
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:07,000
the right to barge
into people's homes?!
162
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,667
I'm Dr. Craig Ehrlich.
163
00:07:08,734 --> 00:07:10,334
Oh.
164
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,300
Well, do sit down.
165
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:13,968
Take off those shoes.
166
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:15,968
Perhaps a quick foot massage
167
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,501
and a dozen or so years
of wedded bliss.
168
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:22,567
What? Am I the only one
who heard the word "doctor"?
169
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:25,067
Dr. Ehrlich, eh?
170
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:27,200
Are you related to Dr. Dre?
171
00:07:27,267 --> 00:07:29,534
When you were born
172
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:33,601
were there any problems
with the umbilical cord?
173
00:07:33,667 --> 00:07:35,367
No. Though lately,
I've found it
174
00:07:35,434 --> 00:07:37,167
to be a bit
of an inconvenience.
175
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:38,501
(gasping)
176
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,667
DUCKMAN:
Where will you get the cats?
177
00:07:40,734 --> 00:07:43,100
There you are, Duckman.
178
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:46,667
You shouldn't have run out,
you naughty little scalawag.
179
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,334
(laughing)
180
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,434
Grab him!
181
00:07:49,501 --> 00:07:51,934
Wendy, Tink, we're flying.
182
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,667
Doctor, not to be nosy
183
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,734
but why are you
kidnapping our dad?
184
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:58,467
Boys, I don't care enough about
what you think of me
185
00:07:58,534 --> 00:07:59,734
to lie to you.
186
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,434
I've spent my career
in search of an end
187
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,300
to the worst blight
in human history.
188
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,567
Not him.
189
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:07,400
I'm talking about cancer!
190
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:09,934
And we're about
to make medical history,
191
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,534
for I, Dr. Craig Ehrlich,
192
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:14,100
have finally found
the cure for it
193
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:17,734
here in Duckman's brain.
194
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,400
(all gasping)
195
00:08:19,467 --> 00:08:21,000
(cat snarling)
196
00:08:23,901 --> 00:08:25,834
You've got mail.
197
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:30,267
Well, I'd like to thank
the Duckman family
198
00:08:30,334 --> 00:08:32,234
for another
lovely afternoon.
199
00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:34,367
Good news:
you all test negative.
200
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:36,334
I'm sorry about this,
but I had to see
201
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,067
if any of you carry
the same isotope Duckman does.
202
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:40,534
It can be passed
genetically
203
00:08:40,601 --> 00:08:42,667
or through sharing
a living environment.
204
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:44,000
Why me?
205
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:45,534
I'm not his family;
I don't live with him.
206
00:08:45,601 --> 00:08:46,834
I'm just his friend.
207
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:49,067
And you wonder why your
head's being examined?
208
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:50,000
Enough said.
209
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,834
Doctor, how can
Dad's brain
210
00:08:51,901 --> 00:08:53,234
be a medical miracle?
211
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,167
It barely makes
it as a brain.
212
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:59,234
Ooh! Look, two at once.
213
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,100
Someone must have left
the M.R.I. on.
214
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:02,801
It hit Duckman
with enough impulses
215
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:04,601
to kill a T rex
in a lead helmet.
216
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:06,133
Then why isn't he dead?
217
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,000
Not that, you know, that would
be a thing I'd wish for
218
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:12,434
or was even for one second
secretly imagining.
219
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:15,501
(screeching)
220
00:09:15,567 --> 00:09:16,434
Hey!
221
00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:26,000
Great scott!
222
00:09:26,868 --> 00:09:29,501
What the...? Where am I?
223
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:31,868
I'm strapped down, receiving
gut-twisting electric shocks
224
00:09:31,934 --> 00:09:34,734
but my usual boy, Randy,
is nowhere in sight.
225
00:09:34,801 --> 00:09:37,400
Duckman, we've been kidnapped
and are being held prisoner.
226
00:09:37,467 --> 00:09:39,534
You know, for a detective
with no cases,
227
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:40,901
I sure get kidnapped a lot.
228
00:09:40,968 --> 00:09:43,601
Duckman, you and I are going to
make the greatest advance
229
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,667
in medical science
since penicillin.
230
00:09:45,734 --> 00:09:48,767
Yeah, that was good. Huh?
231
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:51,000
Here, between the cerebrum
and the cerebellum
232
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:52,501
in the antebellum--
see this scarlet lump?
233
00:09:52,567 --> 00:09:55,300
That's a new form
of sub-cortical astrocytoma
234
00:09:55,367 --> 00:09:57,267
full of
the anti-cancer isotope.
235
00:09:57,334 --> 00:10:00,701
The growth was there for years
until the M.R.I. mutated it.
236
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,167
Wow! You mean I can cure cancer?
237
00:10:03,234 --> 00:10:05,033
Okay, doc of the bay,
let's do some good--
238
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,968
glom some globulin,
cure a little cancer.
239
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:08,400
I'll get back
to whatever it is I do
240
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:09,701
and I'll see you in Stockholm.
241
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:10,767
Do they have a Hooters there?
242
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:12,634
Duckman, you don't understand.
243
00:10:12,701 --> 00:10:15,133
The only way to get
to the isotope is to operate.
244
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,400
I'm talking about
a medical procedure
245
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,734
that will leave
your brain inoperable.
246
00:10:19,801 --> 00:10:21,834
Oh. Will I have a scar?
247
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:23,400
Chicks dig scars.
248
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:24,901
No, no, you moron.
249
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:28,033
I have to cut off
your head!
250
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,701
No, none of it
251
00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,267
will leave a scar.
252
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:33,534
CORNFED:
Doctor, let me.
253
00:10:33,601 --> 00:10:38,534
Duckman, to get the isotope,
he'd have to kill you.
254
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:41,267
Oh, why didn't he say s...?
255
00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:46,534
Hey, just a minute!
256
00:10:46,601 --> 00:10:47,834
Duckman, don't you see?
257
00:10:47,901 --> 00:10:49,868
This is your chance
at immortality.
258
00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:51,300
Call me a stickler
259
00:10:51,367 --> 00:10:53,467
but figure I have a better shot
at immortality
260
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:54,968
if you don't kill me!
261
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,434
I don't like when people suffer
262
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,267
but I like it even less
when I suffer.
263
00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:01,334
In this life, doc, you got
to look out for number one,
264
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,567
but, uh, in this case, you
should actually look out for me
265
00:11:03,634 --> 00:11:05,434
so I'm like number two.
266
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:07,167
Well, we all agree on that.
267
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,667
I know how you feel, Duckman,
but a wise man once said
268
00:11:09,734 --> 00:11:12,767
"The needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few."
269
00:11:12,834 --> 00:11:14,300
Hey! That wise man was Mr. Spock
270
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:17,167
and the only reason he felt
that way was because he knew
271
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:18,968
they'd send his body
to the Genesis Planet
272
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,334
so he could come
back to life.
273
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,734
Actually, he thought they were
gonna bring him
274
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:23,434
to Vulcan to be reborn.
275
00:11:23,501 --> 00:11:26,467
Yeah, the Genesis Planet
was just a happy accident.
276
00:11:26,534 --> 00:11:28,734
You know, all Picard has to do
is send Kirk's body
277
00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:31,367
to the Genesis Planet
then he can come back to life.
278
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:33,868
But the nexus
destroyed Kirk's body.
279
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:36,801
Hey, what if they
did that slingshot-
around-the-sun thing,
280
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,701
went back in time
a couple of days
281
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:40,868
and beamed Kirk and
Picard some big guns
282
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,634
to kill Malcolm
McDowell with?
283
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,534
Oh, he was so good
in Time After Time.
284
00:11:44,601 --> 00:11:45,868
What about Clockwork Orange?
285
00:11:45,934 --> 00:11:47,234
That was awesome.
286
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,234
Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
287
00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:54,801
Oh, no. The M.R.I. must have
been on too long last night.
288
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:57,667
It's overheating, creating
an intense magnetic field.
289
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:07,701
Let's go! Follow me!
290
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,667
Hello.
291
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:19,067
Security?
292
00:12:19,133 --> 00:12:20,234
Apparently,
we were spared
293
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,067
because none of us
are wearing any metal.
294
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:23,601
Wow. Good thing I didn't wear
295
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,200
my "Official
G-spot Checker" medallion.
296
00:12:25,267 --> 00:12:27,400
(chuckles)
Always gets a laugh.
297
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,334
Look, I know you want
to protect me,
298
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,567
but it's not you he's after,
so no argument,
299
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:34,601
I want you all to get out of
here and not worry about...
300
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,167
Huh?
301
00:12:36,234 --> 00:12:37,667
Me.
302
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:38,934
(elevator bell dings)
303
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:39,934
There he is.
304
00:12:44,534 --> 00:12:46,834
(screams)
305
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:49,100
Hi-yah!
306
00:12:56,801 --> 00:12:58,968
(screams)
307
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,467
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
308
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:01,801
That tickles.
309
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:03,133
Hey! Stop! Ooh!
310
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,501
Are you guys I.R.S.? The mafia?
311
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:09,534
Oh, no!
You're not... Ticketmaster?!
312
00:13:10,701 --> 00:13:13,367
Dah!
313
00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:16,901
Hmm.
314
00:13:18,801 --> 00:13:20,200
Wa-hoo!
315
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,400
(gasps)
316
00:13:23,868 --> 00:13:27,367
Hey, how dare you
barge into my office.
317
00:13:27,434 --> 00:13:29,133
It's my office, Duckman.
318
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,033
I had you brought here
so we could talk.
319
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,334
Well, you saved my life.
320
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,033
There was this daffy doc,
321
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,734
and he was going to give me an
operation that'd kill me.
322
00:13:36,801 --> 00:13:38,200
Can you imagine?
323
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:42,133
No. I'd prefer to kill you
with a great deal more pain.
324
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,300
(gasps)
325
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,501
I'm going to call
our congressman
326
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,634
and get that S.O.B.
to rouse the F.D.A,
327
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:56,000
H.E.W., D.O.J., and every other
V.I.P. in D.C. ASAP.
328
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:59,300
WOMAN:
Thank you for calling
the United States of America.
329
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:02,100
We are open from 8:30 a.m.
to 5:00 p.m. weekdays
330
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:04,200
and are located
between Canada and Mexico
331
00:14:04,267 --> 00:14:05,634
in the western hemisphere.
332
00:14:05,701 --> 00:14:08,701
If you would like to make
a declaration of war, press one.
333
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:10,834
Trade treaties and tariffs,
press two.
334
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,567
Gerbils.
335
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,567
Nature's perfect machines.
336
00:14:14,634 --> 00:14:16,400
Yeah, they're the best.
Listen, I was distracted
337
00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:18,200
by the gun and my
bladder emptying and all.
338
00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:20,200
Did you say you were
going to kill me?
339
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:21,834
Slowly and sadistically.
340
00:14:21,901 --> 00:14:24,133
I get intense pleasure
from inflicting suffering
341
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,934
and misery on others.
342
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,200
I'm one of Alphonse d'Amato's
largest contributors.
343
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:30,534
But I've been rude.
344
00:14:30,601 --> 00:14:33,167
Please, sit.
345
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:36,467
I'm Roland Thompson, C.E.O.
of Medtechumana Hospital Group,
346
00:14:36,534 --> 00:14:39,934
one of America's largest health
and medical services networks.
347
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,501
I like to say, "If you've got
a bedpan under you
348
00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:44,501
"Medtechhumana
touched it first."
349
00:14:44,567 --> 00:14:45,968
(fiendish laugh)
350
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:49,200
Ah. And as the nation's
leading health care provider,
351
00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:51,100
I must kill you.
352
00:14:51,167 --> 00:14:52,834
Well, obviously,
you and Ehrlich have got
353
00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:55,267
some who's-going-to-kill-Duckman
issues to work through.
354
00:14:55,334 --> 00:14:58,868
(gulps)
355
00:14:58,934 --> 00:15:00,133
Ehrlich is a fool.
356
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,968
I never thought he would
find a cure for cancer.
357
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:05,133
Wait. You don't want the cure?
358
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,501
Please, sit down.
359
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,033
I'm not in the health business,
Mr. Duckman,
360
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,667
I'm in the health care business.
361
00:15:13,734 --> 00:15:17,534
The more beds I fill,
the more profits I make.
362
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:20,400
But it does me no good
to fill them with sniffles
363
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:22,167
and sprained ankles
and other low-rent maladies.
364
00:15:22,234 --> 00:15:24,234
That's why we invented
the $12 aspirin,
365
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:25,601
the eight-dollar cotton ball:
366
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:27,901
To increase profit margin
on lesser diseases.
367
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,634
They never just kill you.
368
00:15:29,701 --> 00:15:31,667
There's always a lecture. Oy.
369
00:15:31,734 --> 00:15:33,834
You come in with,
say, a bad back,
370
00:15:33,901 --> 00:15:35,501
you'll get X-rays,
M.R.I.s,
371
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:37,701
bone scans,
diskograms, myelograms,
372
00:15:37,767 --> 00:15:40,868
and $60,000 later,
we sell you a $400 heating pad
373
00:15:40,934 --> 00:15:44,334
you could have bought
at the drugstore for 30 bucks.
374
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,601
But it's not enough.
375
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:47,467
(whispering):
Not nearly. No.
376
00:15:47,534 --> 00:15:50,334
We need
the premium patients.
377
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,868
Big-money procedures
like coronary bypass,
378
00:15:52,934 --> 00:15:55,767
gall bladder removal,
pulmonary wedge resection,
379
00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:58,267
unnecessary hysterectomies!
380
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,901
WOMAN:
To become a U.S. ally
and enjoy all ally benefits
381
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:07,901
like free trade, U.N. forces
and complimentary upgrades
382
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,834
at Avis locations worldwide,
press 34.
383
00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:14,834
If you've taken or plan to take
American hostages, press 35.
384
00:16:14,901 --> 00:16:18,234
...laparoscopies, barium
enemas, but the big kahuna
385
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,000
the everlasting
gob-stopper
386
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,868
the grand mack daddy
of them all is cancer.
387
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:26,367
Cancer alone accounts
for 53% of our annual profits.
388
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:29,300
The needless diagnostics,
hopeless therapies,
389
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:32,234
experimental drugs--
it's a dream come true.
390
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:33,567
(flushing)
391
00:16:33,634 --> 00:16:34,767
Phew!
392
00:16:34,834 --> 00:16:37,000
I was afraid while I was
in there, you'd escape.
393
00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:40,734
Now, where was I?
394
00:16:40,801 --> 00:16:43,467
Cancer is a dream come true.
395
00:16:43,534 --> 00:16:46,000
Oh, right. Yes, yes,
the chewy profit center
396
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:48,167
in the middle of
a health care lolly
397
00:16:48,234 --> 00:16:50,334
protected by a cartel
of businessmen
398
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,100
who depend on cancer to keep
them in business. Look.
399
00:16:57,968 --> 00:17:01,667
(upbeat pop
acoustic guitar music)
400
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,467
(laser sounds)
401
00:17:07,534 --> 00:17:13,801
MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,
here are your cancer profiteers!
402
00:17:13,868 --> 00:17:17,434
Doctors, lab workers,
pharmaceutical manufacturers,
403
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:21,100
obituary writers,
probate lawyers,
404
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:24,133
the Florida
Formaldehyde Growers Council.
405
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,701
veil makers,
New Yorkers who need apartments,
406
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:30,701
the Republican party...
407
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:33,167
What's the Republican party
got to do with cancer?
408
00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:34,200
Nothing, really.
409
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:35,501
They just go
where the evil is.
410
00:17:35,567 --> 00:17:38,634
Now, to preserve
the growth industry
411
00:17:38,701 --> 00:17:40,534
that is cancer...
412
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,667
prepare to die.
413
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:43,834
Ah!
414
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:47,100
Get me security.
415
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,133
Here's my car.
416
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,467
Nice ride.
417
00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:53,534
My dealer offered me
all these options
418
00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:56,634
but I got the novelty breast-
shaped dome light instead.
419
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,400
Hang on.
420
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,801
(tires screeching)
421
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:06,534
Duckman, I realized I've
been wrong all along.
422
00:18:06,601 --> 00:18:09,367
I was acting like the
end justifies the means.
423
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:12,868
Thompson! Hold on.
424
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,567
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
come on.
425
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,868
Stop it, stop it! Hey.
426
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:28,267
(whirring)
427
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,400
Hey, quit it.
428
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:33,767
(laughing)
429
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:37,534
Wait. I have an idea--
turn here.
430
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:45,234
That was your idea?
431
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:46,968
I hate Dixieland.
432
00:18:47,033 --> 00:18:48,501
Ah! Look out!
433
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,200
(honking)
434
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:54,200
Ah!
435
00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,567
(grunting)
436
00:19:04,968 --> 00:19:06,534
(gasping)
437
00:19:06,601 --> 00:19:08,567
Can't breathe.
438
00:19:08,634 --> 00:19:11,033
Tobacco smoke.
439
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,467
Can feel... cancer growing...
440
00:19:14,534 --> 00:19:16,901
(choking)
441
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,667
Well, this was some
experience, doc.
442
00:19:20,734 --> 00:19:23,367
Maybe putting the cure
for cancer in my brain was...
443
00:19:23,434 --> 00:19:24,501
Hey, did you hear that?
444
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:25,734
He's got a cure for cancer
in his brain!
445
00:19:25,801 --> 00:19:27,701
Crack open his head.
Let's get it.
446
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,434
(clamoring)
447
00:19:31,234 --> 00:19:33,834
EHRLICH:
Stop! Listen to me.
448
00:19:33,901 --> 00:19:35,067
Don't you see?
449
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,667
Alive, his brain can
provide data for research
450
00:19:37,734 --> 00:19:40,501
but if he dies, the cure
is lost to us forever.
451
00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:42,534
It's like the goose
that laid the golden eggs.
452
00:19:42,601 --> 00:19:45,100
When the greedy king
decided to cut him open
453
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,634
to get all the eggs at once,
it killed the goose.
454
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:49,400
Hey, he lays
golden eggs too!
455
00:19:49,467 --> 00:19:52,267
Let's cut him open and
get all the eggs at once!
456
00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:54,200
(clamoring)
457
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:55,467
(sirens blaring)
458
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:01,734
(gasping)
459
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,834
He'll die if
I don't operate.
460
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:05,868
Help me get him
in the car.
461
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:13,400
Well, it was touch and go.
462
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:15,734
He lost a lot of blood,
but he pulled through
463
00:20:15,801 --> 00:20:18,267
and we're confident
he'll make a full recovery.
464
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,100
He wanted you all to know
his will to live
465
00:20:20,167 --> 00:20:23,968
came from knowing the people
he loves were out here
466
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:27,334
and that he's feeling strong,
and should be home soon.
467
00:20:29,534 --> 00:20:30,501
(yelling)
468
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:31,534
Mmm...
469
00:20:31,601 --> 00:20:32,701
Hey!
Get back here!
470
00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:34,267
I've rehearsed these things
and everything.
471
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,601
Anyway, here's
the really good part.
472
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:39,000
His brain injuries
happened to give me
473
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:40,667
a clear path
to the isotope.
474
00:20:40,734 --> 00:20:43,267
We have our cure
for cancer!
475
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:45,200
(cheering)
476
00:20:45,267 --> 00:20:47,434
Good thing, too,
because the remaining tissue
477
00:20:47,501 --> 00:20:49,667
shows no reaction
to M.R.I. pulses.
478
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:50,667
As I told Duckman,
479
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,434
this is all we're
ever going to get.
480
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,534
Could we see it?
481
00:20:53,601 --> 00:20:55,234
All right,
but be careful.
482
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:57,601
It's in that
specimen dish.
483
00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:59,868
Oh, no!
484
00:20:59,934 --> 00:21:01,200
(gasping)
485
00:21:01,267 --> 00:21:02,934
(yowling)
486
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,067
Catch him!
487
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:07,567
That cat ate the cure
for cancer!
488
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:08,968
MAN:
Did you hear that?
489
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:11,300
The cat's got a cure
for cancer in him.
490
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:12,701
Let's kill it!
491
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:14,667
(people clamoring)
492
00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:17,334
It's over.
493
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,968
I'm okay. I'm alive.
494
00:21:20,033 --> 00:21:21,767
I just hope I did
the right thing,
495
00:21:21,834 --> 00:21:24,033
but there's no need
to worry about that anymore.
496
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,634
In fact,
there's no need to worry
497
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:26,734
about anything while I'm here.
498
00:21:26,801 --> 00:21:28,334
All I have to do
is kick back, relax,
499
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,767
and leave myself
in the safe and capable hands
500
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:33,133
of all these trained
medical professionals.
501
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,501
(snoring softly)
502
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:36,567
MAN:
Where's this
one going?
503
00:21:36,634 --> 00:21:38,734
WOMAN:
O.R. Two--
hysterectomy.
504
00:22:34,801 --> 00:22:36,200
THOMPSON:
Nature's perfect machines.
505
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:37,767
DUCKMAN:
Yeah, they're the best.
35618
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