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1
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,100
(whistles)
2
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:44,467
Where did that sleaze-magnet
Duckman go?
3
00:00:44,534 --> 00:00:47,334
(woman screaming)
4
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,167
Wild guess.
5
00:00:50,534 --> 00:00:51,901
Uh-oh. Looks like it's time
6
00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,667
to test
my new designer mace--
7
00:00:53,734 --> 00:00:55,901
Blindness
by Calvin Klein.
8
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:58,167
Oh, baby, feels so good!
9
00:00:58,234 --> 00:01:00,434
Pass the butter.
10
00:01:00,501 --> 00:01:02,167
(screaming)
11
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:05,167
Another new product to try.
12
00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:07,367
Ooh!
13
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:11,133
It's like falling in love
all over again.
14
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,567
Duckman, we're supposed
to be shopping
15
00:01:12,634 --> 00:01:14,634
for Grandma-ma's
surprise birthday party,
16
00:01:14,701 --> 00:01:17,934
not getting a prostate massage
in front of half the county.
17
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,300
Now, where's the five dollars
18
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:20,934
you owe
for her gift?
19
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,634
You never have any money
to contribute, Duckweed.
20
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,868
You're not only a disgrace
to the family name
21
00:01:26,934 --> 00:01:28,534
you're a disgrace
to detectives.
22
00:01:28,601 --> 00:01:31,601
You're not a sleuth,
you're a sloth.
23
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:33,734
(laughing)
24
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:37,434
You see, Ajax,
25
00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:40,267
"sleuth" sounds just like
"sloth" except for the...
26
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,934
Oh, just laugh.
27
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,534
We're belittling
your father.
28
00:01:43,601 --> 00:01:47,000
(braying laugh)
29
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:48,934
I'll ignore
these hateful remarks
30
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,601
from all of you
formerly-in-my-will ingrates
31
00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:53,934
and simply prove
my investigative ingenuity.
32
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:54,968
Ha!
33
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:59,501
See that guy over there?
Oldest scam in the world.
34
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:00,734
He's merely pretending
to be blind,
35
00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:02,400
so he can bleed
a couple of pennies
36
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,567
out of you gullible
Brooklyn Bridge-buying types.
37
00:02:04,634 --> 00:02:05,868
Work up an appetite.
38
00:02:05,934 --> 00:02:06,901
When he flinches,
39
00:02:06,968 --> 00:02:09,000
you'll be eating
some major crow.
40
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,100
My spine!
41
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:17,968
Oh, my apologies.
42
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:19,968
It was all my fault.
43
00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:21,901
Oh, my, what have we here?
44
00:02:21,968 --> 00:02:25,234
The old fake-priest-collar
slash pickpocket scam.
45
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:26,434
Give me my wallet back
46
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,167
or you'll be needing
last rites.
47
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:30,567
I... I don't know what
you're talking about.
48
00:02:30,634 --> 00:02:33,434
Oh really?
Then how do you explain...
49
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,367
this?!
50
00:02:35,434 --> 00:02:38,267
You were going to stab me
with this, weren't you,
51
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:39,934
you magnificent bastard?
52
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,868
I'll pray
for your soul!
53
00:02:41,934 --> 00:02:43,534
What next, Dad?
54
00:02:43,601 --> 00:02:46,734
Bust the pontiff
for prostitution?
55
00:02:46,801 --> 00:02:48,100
(laughing)
56
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:49,968
Boy, it's such a shame
57
00:02:50,033 --> 00:02:51,667
Grandma-ma's missing
an opportunity
58
00:02:51,734 --> 00:02:53,334
to see you humiliated...
59
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,767
Duckman, where is Grandma-ma?
60
00:02:54,834 --> 00:02:57,634
You left her in the car
again, didn't you,
61
00:02:57,701 --> 00:03:00,033
you bespectacled toilet brush?
62
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:01,501
Remember the last time
you did that,
63
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:02,934
she was frozen
in the icy tundra,
64
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,467
almost burned in
an African village,
65
00:03:04,534 --> 00:03:05,634
then buried alive!
66
00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:08,968
Sure, but when else
does she get to travel?
67
00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:12,901
There's nothing to
worry about, Bernice.
68
00:03:12,968 --> 00:03:14,601
Last time I saw
Grandma-ma,
69
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:16,667
she was sitting
in the car,
70
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:19,033
quietly enjoying her
nice decade-long nap.
71
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:21,334
(gunshots)
72
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,267
I don't want to die!
73
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:29,734
(evil laughter)
74
00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:32,901
Now listen, and listen good,
you fancy smelling dandy.
75
00:03:32,968 --> 00:03:36,868
Place the ice inside the bag
and nobody catches any lead.
76
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,834
And you, give me
that gold tooth.
77
00:03:42,501 --> 00:03:44,100
(laughing)
78
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,267
Anyone else
want to be a hero?
79
00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:52,934
Why, I ought to ventilate
the lot of you.
80
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,000
Who here wants to get sized
for pine pajamas?
81
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:57,634
What?
82
00:03:57,701 --> 00:03:59,367
Take a dirt nap?
83
00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:00,033
Huh?
84
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:01,300
Die!
85
00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:02,901
(screams)
86
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:05,467
There's no love
of language anymore.
87
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:10,868
(alarm blaring)
88
00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:13,100
Oh, for the love of...
89
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:23,834
(clicking)
90
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:33,767
No way I'm sailing
back up the river.
91
00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:35,767
(siren wailing)
92
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:46,534
There's got to be
some way out of here.
93
00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:47,868
(sniffing)
94
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:49,434
Blech!
95
00:04:49,501 --> 00:04:50,801
Mother of mercy!
96
00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:52,801
You're the spitting
image of me.
97
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:55,467
Hmm, no wonder
my four husbands left me.
98
00:04:55,534 --> 00:04:57,100
No, wait. It was
because I killed them.
99
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,868
(laughing)
100
00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:01,767
All right, little sister,
out of the car.
101
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:04,200
I said
102
00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:05,667
out of the...
103
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:06,834
Wait a second.
104
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,634
You're... you're...
105
00:05:08,701 --> 00:05:09,767
dead.
106
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:11,400
(breaks wind)
(screams)
107
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,767
Okay, okay, so you're
just vegged out.
108
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,267
Still I ain't taking
no chances.
109
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:18,000
(thuds)
110
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,901
There, that did it.
111
00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:24,901
Grandma-ma better be all right,
Duckman, or I'll...
112
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:26,901
Put your panic
on pause, Bernice.
113
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,901
There's our car
with the birthday girl right...
114
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:31,567
Oh, no!
115
00:05:31,634 --> 00:05:32,901
I can't believe it!
116
00:05:32,968 --> 00:05:34,234
Somebody peeled off
117
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,634
my "I break for aureoles"
bumper sticker.
118
00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:39,434
Grandma-ma, oh, thank
heavens you're okay.
119
00:05:39,501 --> 00:05:41,434
Grandma-ma,
you're not a sleuth,
120
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:43,601
you're a sloth.
121
00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:45,534
(braying laugh)
122
00:05:47,634 --> 00:05:49,567
Hmm...
123
00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:52,534
Timing would appear
to be everything.
124
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:54,934
What was all
the hoopla about?
125
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,834
I told you she was
safe and soundless.
126
00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,367
It's just that we
don't want anything
127
00:05:59,434 --> 00:06:00,868
to happen to her.
128
00:06:00,934 --> 00:06:04,000
Grandma-ma's the nicest,
sweetest, gentlest lady
129
00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:06,167
in the whole wide world.
130
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,868
(grunting)
131
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:29,834
(grunting)
132
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,634
ALL:
Surprise!
133
00:06:36,701 --> 00:06:39,334
Happy Birthday, Grandma-ma.
134
00:06:42,634 --> 00:06:44,567
Folks, how about
a helping hand
135
00:06:44,634 --> 00:06:45,801
in blowing out
the candles?
136
00:06:45,868 --> 00:06:47,801
(breaking wind)
137
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:49,467
(all cheering)
138
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,000
(breaking wind)
139
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:54,567
(shouting):
The candles are
already out, Mr. Kohler.
140
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:02,834
Come on, you bunch
of stiffs!
141
00:07:02,901 --> 00:07:04,734
Let's party-hearty!
142
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:07,000
Care to cut
a little rug,
Grandma-ma...
143
00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,501
ma-ma?
144
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:19,133
Flashdance!
145
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:22,534
BERNICE:
Duckman!
146
00:07:22,601 --> 00:07:24,968
Now, now, Bernice,
no cutting in.
147
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:30,601
I'm going to kill him!
148
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,934
(crashing)
149
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,934
Nice dismount.
150
00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:45,100
Sweet Jesus.
151
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,033
This flophouse is loony.
152
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:51,701
Knuckles, it's me, Agnes.
153
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:55,133
I miss you, too, but shut
your damn pie hole and listen.
154
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,267
I'm hiding out
at some freak show.
155
00:07:57,334 --> 00:07:59,167
You got to spring me tonight!
156
00:07:59,234 --> 00:08:00,501
What? What channel?
157
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,667
Ah, cripes.
158
00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:04,133
A statewide manhunt
159
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,701
is currently in progress
160
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:08,467
for mass murdering madwoman
Agnes Delrooney.
161
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:10,701
She is believed
to be heavy and armed.
162
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:12,868
Heavily armed!
163
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,801
There's no accuracy
in the media.
164
00:08:14,868 --> 00:08:15,801
None!
165
00:08:15,868 --> 00:08:16,968
Ugh!
166
00:08:18,467 --> 00:08:20,667
I guess I better lay low here
till things cool off.
167
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,133
Much as I hate to say it,
168
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,567
this dump's my safe haven
right now.
169
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:27,868
Don't worry. These saps
won't suspect a thing.
170
00:08:27,934 --> 00:08:29,868
(maniacal laugh)
171
00:08:32,167 --> 00:08:34,100
Stop fighting me,
Grandma-ma.
172
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:35,434
You're clenching.
173
00:08:35,501 --> 00:08:36,767
That's odd.
174
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:39,801
She won't swallow her
creamed lentils tonight.
175
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:43,634
Okay, Grandma-ma, I guess
it's time for pokey.
176
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:44,968
Yeah.
177
00:08:46,534 --> 00:08:49,067
Hmm... I can't seem
to find her good vein.
178
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:50,634
I see one.
179
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,467
At least you didn't stab her
in the forehead again.
180
00:08:56,534 --> 00:08:58,133
Oh, well. Whose turn
to do the dishes?
181
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,601
ALL:
Last one at the table!
Ha, ha, ha!
182
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,267
(screaming)
183
00:09:09,601 --> 00:09:10,701
Duckman!
184
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,934
Bernini will never look
for me here.
185
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,801
What the...? Bernice,
come see Grandma-ma!
186
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:25,801
What?
187
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:26,901
What is it?
188
00:09:26,968 --> 00:09:28,801
Grandma-ma--
she's not comatose at all.
189
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,601
She was scarfing
down a pork chop.
190
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:35,767
Duckman, have you been
giving your lithium
191
00:09:35,834 --> 00:09:36,934
to Ajax again?
192
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,834
But she was eating,
I swear.
193
00:09:38,901 --> 00:09:41,167
Oh, whatever
you say, Duckman.
194
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,634
Maybe it's time for some
dishwashing therapy.
195
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:44,968
And remember,
"spit shine"
196
00:09:45,033 --> 00:09:46,400
is just an
expression.
197
00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:50,734
There's something
different about
you, Grandma-ma.
198
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:53,734
Something very odd.
199
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:57,734
Something very strange.
200
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:01,100
Dad, will you leave
Grandma-ma alone?
201
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,234
You've been poking her
and prodding her
202
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,367
for three days now.
203
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:06,701
Poking and prodding
is what a dick does.
204
00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:07,868
(chuckles)
205
00:10:07,934 --> 00:10:09,467
They just write themselves.
206
00:10:09,534 --> 00:10:11,868
To further prove to all of you
my deductive abilities,
207
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:13,334
I'm assembling evidence--
208
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,934
or as we in the industry
call them, uh...
209
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:17,868
"Clues."
210
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:19,501
Good. You were listening.
211
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:21,400
Submitted for your approval,
212
00:10:21,467 --> 00:10:24,634
exhibit "D-4": Grandma-ma
hasn't cut the Cheez Whiz
213
00:10:24,701 --> 00:10:26,467
once in the last three days.
214
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:27,601
The air's so clear in here,
215
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:29,534
we can actually see
the other side of the room.
216
00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:31,834
I didn't know we had a piano.
217
00:10:31,901 --> 00:10:33,868
Maybe something is wrong.
218
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,601
(squeaking)
219
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,100
(all cheering)
220
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:42,267
Nice try, dumb-shoe,
221
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:43,701
and for your next case,
222
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:46,434
you'll be trying to find
your missing brain.
223
00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:48,901
(all three laughing)
224
00:10:48,968 --> 00:10:51,634
This case
is not closed.
225
00:10:51,701 --> 00:10:53,033
Come on, boys.
226
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,167
It's time to give Grandma-ma
her sea kelp and gravel enema.
227
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:58,534
(laughing)
228
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,534
Knuckles...
229
00:11:00,601 --> 00:11:03,400
this place is worse
than the hole at Rikers.
230
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:06,133
These loons give me
one more boil lancing,
231
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,868
bone marrow transplant
or subcranial bore,
232
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,734
I'll plug the bunch of them.
233
00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:12,534
All right. A few more days.
234
00:11:12,601 --> 00:11:14,133
The old bag I replaced?
235
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,467
Don't sweat it.
236
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,567
I took care of her all right.
237
00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:21,868
(breaking wind)
238
00:11:22,968 --> 00:11:24,033
Let them laugh.
239
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,267
But I say there's more
to Grandma-ma
240
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:26,767
than meets the private eye.
241
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:28,734
It's been so long
since we made
the sheets sing--
242
00:11:28,801 --> 00:11:32,267
you straddling me,
me strangling you...
243
00:11:32,334 --> 00:11:34,234
Yeah-ha! Caught you!
244
00:11:36,834 --> 00:11:38,067
Nice try, Grandma-ma,
245
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,767
but I'm cutting in
on your little dance of deceit.
246
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:43,167
You see, I've deduced you're
not really comatose at all.
247
00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:44,901
You've simply been faking it
all these years
248
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,634
as a means
of gaining attention.
249
00:11:46,701 --> 00:11:48,434
And while I'll miss those
really good parking spaces I get
250
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:50,133
from lugging
your heinous heinie around,
251
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,067
I cannot allow this charade
to continue.
252
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:55,267
Reveal thyself, Grandma-ma.
253
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,667
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
254
00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:01,167
Tickle,
tickle, tickle.
255
00:12:01,234 --> 00:12:02,167
Tic...
256
00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,467
You don't know
257
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:05,467
who you're messing
with, Duckman.
258
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:06,701
Whoo-ahh,
whoo-ahh, whoo...
259
00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,367
Ahh!
260
00:12:08,434 --> 00:12:09,968
(screaming)
261
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,467
I ain't no Grandma-ma.
262
00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:14,300
I'm Agnes Delrooney,
insane killer by day,
263
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,167
psychotic murderer
by night.
264
00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:19,367
I've swallowed tougher guys
than you for breakfast
265
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:20,968
and passed them by lunch.
266
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:23,467
(muffled):
I knew it. I'm telling Bernice.
267
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,934
Look at me. I'm shaking.
268
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,133
News flash, Kilroy.
269
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,167
Your family thinks
you're a joke.
270
00:12:28,234 --> 00:12:30,968
They wouldn't believe you
in a million years.
271
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:32,567
Go ahead!
Call Bernice!
272
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:33,734
I dares you.
273
00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:36,033
I double dares you.
274
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,701
Bernice!
275
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:39,033
Bernice!
276
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:41,534
What is it, Duckman?
277
00:12:41,601 --> 00:12:42,934
It's G-G-G-G...
278
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,400
(stuttering):
Grandma-ma.
279
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:45,467
Actually, it's
not Grandma-ma.
280
00:12:45,534 --> 00:12:46,901
It's Agnes--
that's her real name.
281
00:12:46,968 --> 00:12:48,200
She's an impostor.
282
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,734
We got to throw her in jail
and find the real Grandma-ma.
283
00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:52,200
Or maybe we can
skip the part
284
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,300
about finding
the real Grandma-ma
285
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,033
and just throw
this one in jail.
286
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,367
You woke me up in the
middle of the night
287
00:12:57,434 --> 00:12:58,601
for one of your
psychobabbles?!
288
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,000
Look, Dinkerton,
I need my sleep!
289
00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:01,267
I have a very
important
290
00:13:01,334 --> 00:13:02,968
"Women Against Potholes"
meeting in the morning.
291
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,167
At least you didn't
wake Grandma-ma up.
292
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:07,701
I don't think.
293
00:13:07,767 --> 00:13:09,868
Wait! You got to believe me!
294
00:13:09,934 --> 00:13:12,200
Agnes walks and talks and slaps.
295
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:13,634
Man, can she slap.
296
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:14,968
Look at these welts.
297
00:13:15,033 --> 00:13:17,501
She was just slapping me
like-like this.
298
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:19,501
Ow! See, it hurts.
299
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:22,934
(maniacal laugh)
300
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,701
See, just like I predicted.
301
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:26,934
Ow!
302
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,167
Playing head games with you
303
00:13:29,234 --> 00:13:31,000
sure works up a thirst.
304
00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:32,501
Fix me a highball.
305
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:34,033
N-n-n-no.
306
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,734
Listen, half-pint,
fix me a drink
307
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:40,100
or I'll waste you
and your whole idiotic,
308
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:42,033
freaked-out,
lousy-smelling family.
309
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,367
That's it.
310
00:13:43,434 --> 00:13:45,567
Nobody calls me half-pint.
311
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:53,467
BERNICE:
Duckman, I told you,
I have to get some sleep.
312
00:13:53,534 --> 00:13:56,067
Uh-oh. You're
in big trouble now.
313
00:14:00,868 --> 00:14:01,801
(gasps)
314
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:03,567
(screams)
315
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:06,968
That's it!
316
00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:08,234
Ow!
317
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:11,634
This is for strangling
my poor comatose mother...
318
00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,534
and this is
for smoking
319
00:14:14,601 --> 00:14:16,534
in the house!
320
00:14:16,601 --> 00:14:18,334
I wasn't smoking.
321
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,767
It was Agnes.
322
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,767
My mother's name is not Agnes
323
00:14:21,834 --> 00:14:24,801
and she's never smoked
a day in her life.
324
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,534
(moans)
325
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,968
(grunting)
326
00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:32,467
Thank you, Grandma-ma.
327
00:14:32,534 --> 00:14:34,000
What?!
328
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:37,267
(maniacal laugh)
329
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:40,067
You-you-you're...
not... Grandma-ma.
330
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:42,734
You jerk, why didn't
you say something?
331
00:14:42,801 --> 00:14:44,234
What's all the noise?
332
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,267
(both gasp)
333
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:46,667
Grandma-ma,
you're mobile.
334
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:48,767
We have so much
lost time to make up.
335
00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:50,634
Want to play hacky sack?
336
00:14:50,701 --> 00:14:51,634
Whoa!
337
00:14:52,901 --> 00:14:56,100
Uh, perhaps we should
review the rules.
338
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:05,534
(panting):
* Someone's in the kitchen
with Dinah... *
339
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:07,534
* Strummin' on the old banjo *
340
00:15:07,601 --> 00:15:09,868
* Fee, fi, fiddle-ee-i-o *
341
00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:14,000
* Fee, fi, fiddle-ee-i... *
I can't take it anymore.
342
00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:16,334
I don't remember saying "stop."
343
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,234
What have you done with
the real Grandma-ma?
344
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:21,033
If you harm one hair
on her back, I'll...
345
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:22,801
Quit yer bellyachin',
freak show.
346
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:25,300
Old Smelly Winters is
down in the root cellar.
347
00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:26,767
Get her if you want.
348
00:15:29,634 --> 00:15:30,667
(shrieks)
349
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:32,567
Grandma-ma.
350
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:35,267
It looks like she hasn't
eaten anything for days.
351
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,634
Here, Grandma-ma,
have this cracker.
352
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,567
(breaks wind)
353
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:43,434
Listen, pantywaist,
I don't want you
354
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:44,767
doing anything
suspicious.
355
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:45,934
I want you carrying on
356
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,534
with your normal
daily routine.
357
00:15:47,601 --> 00:15:48,734
First, you go to work.
358
00:15:48,801 --> 00:15:49,834
Wait! Which is it?
359
00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:52,100
Normal daily routine,
or go to work?
360
00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:54,901
You're going to work and acting
as normal-like as possible.
361
00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:58,000
Tip off the cops or anybody else
and I'll use
362
00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:00,100
your family's
kidneys as tea bags.
363
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,634
(laughing)
364
00:16:02,901 --> 00:16:05,200
Good heavens,
our lives depend on...
365
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:06,634
Duckman!!
366
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:09,634
(wailing)
367
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:10,868
Must save family.
368
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:12,067
Act normal,
369
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,367
like any other day.
370
00:16:22,934 --> 00:16:24,200
(screaming)
371
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:30,434
So far, so good.
372
00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:35,834
Cornbread, did you
take a bath?
373
00:16:35,901 --> 00:16:38,133
Why, is there
one missing?
374
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,834
I ought to kick
your butt.
375
00:16:39,901 --> 00:16:42,067
(door opens and closes)
376
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:43,267
So...
377
00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:44,133
Hi, Duckman.
378
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,467
Wrong?
379
00:16:45,534 --> 00:16:46,901
Who said anything was wrong?
Everything's fine.
380
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,200
Certainly everything at home
is fine.
381
00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:49,834
What a strange question to ask.
382
00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,501
What would possibly make you
think something was wrong?
383
00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:52,968
What got into me?
384
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:55,200
Although, you have been here two
seconds and haven't yet perused
385
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,667
today's adult entertainment
industry trades.
386
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:58,734
Oh, yeah.
387
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:01,534
Hmm.
Breasts, genitals, tongue.
388
00:17:01,601 --> 00:17:03,234
I'm really aroused now.
389
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,000
(yawning):
Well, Corny, I think
390
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,467
I'll kick off for the day.
391
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,567
Just mosey on home
for no other reason
392
00:17:08,634 --> 00:17:10,200
than I live there, of course.
393
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:14,300
What has that she-beast done?
394
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,267
I didn't give her permission
395
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:20,000
to use my custom-made,
non-marking, bondage ropes.
396
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,200
If I see her, I'll...
397
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:23,801
(screams)
398
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:29,067
Please don't beat me
anymore.
399
00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:30,601
I'm running out of blood.
400
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:33,000
Whiles you was gone,
I started thinking.
401
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:36,100
You know what I haven't had
for all these long years?
402
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,501
Talcum powder?
403
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:38,701
Free checking?
404
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,167
A man.
405
00:17:40,234 --> 00:17:42,834
Bet you'd look
purty in silk.
406
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:44,834
Fascinating non sequitur.
407
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:47,834
Sure, I may be
a psychotic killing machine,
408
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,834
but I'm still a woman.
409
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:51,167
Take me to your bed
410
00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:53,467
or your family's
as dead as a herring.
411
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:55,100
(nervous chuckle)
412
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:58,334
My options, one more time?
413
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,501
Don't worry,
414
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:01,934
you'll thank me when I'm done.
415
00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:09,634
Some torch songs might help
set the mood for us.
416
00:18:10,701 --> 00:18:12,534
Bolero, Best of Bolero,
417
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:14,067
Bolero Beach Party,
418
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,534
Chipmunks Sing Bolero.
419
00:18:15,601 --> 00:18:16,801
Uh...
420
00:18:16,868 --> 00:18:18,834
Th-th-that one's very rare.
421
00:18:18,901 --> 00:18:21,033
Now it's even rarer.
422
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:25,000
But enough foreplay.
423
00:18:32,601 --> 00:18:33,534
Okay... okay...
424
00:18:33,601 --> 00:18:35,000
just let me stretch a bit.
425
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,934
Nothing worse than a groin pull.
426
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,167
Right?
427
00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:41,100
(humming)
428
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:00,267
Not bad.
429
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,334
(helicopter hovering)
430
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,567
Agnes Delrooney,
the house is surrounded.
431
00:19:04,634 --> 00:19:06,667
Come out with your hands up.
432
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:08,701
Cavalry, thy name is Cornfed.
433
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:11,100
Come and get her, she's right...
434
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:13,033
here?
435
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:16,267
All right, don't move an in...
436
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:18,133
Uh-huh. So it's up to Duckman
437
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,868
to figure out which of you
is the dreaded Agnes.
438
00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:22,634
(muffled shouting)
439
00:19:22,701 --> 00:19:24,734
Oh, sure,
I could just take off your gags
440
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:26,801
and have you tell me
which is which,
441
00:19:26,868 --> 00:19:30,400
but what better opportunity to
prove to you, once and for all,
442
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:32,701
that, as a detective,
I am without peer?
443
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:35,701
Also, I get a chance
to exploit a dramatic clich�.
444
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:36,701
(breaks wind)
445
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,534
(breaks wind)
446
00:19:38,601 --> 00:19:39,767
Oh, impressive.
447
00:19:39,834 --> 00:19:43,300
One of you is the Fred Travalena
of flatulence.
448
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:49,634
(breaking wind rhythmically)
449
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,567
Ah!
Entertaining and informative.
450
00:20:07,634 --> 00:20:09,067
For only in... yours
451
00:20:09,133 --> 00:20:11,968
did I hear a true "F" flat
in the first movement,
452
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:14,234
a note only Grandma-ma
has perfected.
453
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,901
Therefore,
you are Agnes Delrooney.
454
00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:19,267
Take that...
455
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:21,267
Teach you to...
456
00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:22,400
(gun cocking)
457
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:24,801
Oops. Sorry, Grandma-ma,
458
00:20:24,868 --> 00:20:26,601
but you needed the exercise.
459
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:27,868
(sirens wailing)
460
00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:29,133
(guns cocking)
461
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,734
If they're shipping me
back to the big house,
462
00:20:31,801 --> 00:20:34,067
it might as well be
for something good.
463
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,067
(breaks wind loudly)
464
00:20:40,067 --> 00:20:41,601
Good night, nurse.
465
00:20:43,567 --> 00:20:46,167
From the inflection
in your voice this morning,
466
00:20:46,234 --> 00:20:49,067
I deduced that you and your
family were being held hostage
467
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,534
by a Grandma-ma look-alike.
468
00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:53,267
Although this may prevent us
469
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:55,567
from running for office
someday, Dad...
470
00:20:55,634 --> 00:20:56,901
We owe you an apology.
471
00:20:56,968 --> 00:20:58,901
I don't know what's worse,
Duckman,
472
00:20:58,968 --> 00:21:01,234
being held captive
by a gun-toting madwoman
473
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,434
or admitting
you saw through her facade.
474
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:07,901
I guess you do have some
detective ssss-skkkk...
475
00:21:07,968 --> 00:21:09,133
Ah, don't hurt
yourself, Bernice.
476
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,801
I have the rest of my life
to rub it in your face.
477
00:21:11,868 --> 00:21:15,000
The important thing right now
is we're all safe and secure.
478
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:17,634
Basking in the effervescence
that is Grandma-ma.
479
00:21:17,701 --> 00:21:21,167
(cheering)
480
00:21:29,334 --> 00:21:30,934
The real Grandma-mawas sentenced
481
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,234
to three consecutive life terms
482
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:34,634
of hard laborin a federal penitentiary
483
00:21:34,701 --> 00:21:37,300
and is eligible for parolein the year 2156.
484
00:21:39,033 --> 00:21:40,267
Agnes Delrooney
485
00:21:40,334 --> 00:21:42,400
continues to livewith the Duckman family.
486
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:43,901
As of this broadcast,
487
00:21:43,968 --> 00:21:47,200
she and Duckman have notconsummated their relationship.
488
00:22:34,901 --> 00:22:36,200
DUCKMAN:
Breasts, genitals, tongue.
489
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:37,734
AGNES:
Quit your bellyachin'.
33329
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