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1
00:00:09,334 --> 00:00:10,601
(quacks)
2
00:00:14,334 --> 00:00:15,934
(elevator bell dings)
3
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:16,934
Cretin.
4
00:00:17,033 --> 00:00:17,968
Liar.
5
00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:18,968
Drunk.
6
00:00:19,033 --> 00:00:20,334
Agent.
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:21,634
Hello...
8
00:00:21,701 --> 00:00:24,868
(muffled spanking noises
woman moaning and groaning)
9
00:00:24,934 --> 00:00:27,734
And just in time
for discipline hour.
10
00:00:27,801 --> 00:00:28,801
(groans)
11
00:00:29,868 --> 00:00:31,067
You! Bumper car!
12
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:33,133
You think you can go plowing
into a law-abiding,
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,033
if-I-can-beat-the-statute
-of-limitations citizen
14
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:36,133
just 'cause you're too lazy
15
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,133
to take off
those sunglasses indoors?
16
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:41,434
Hey, don't point
that white cane at me!
17
00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:44,067
Great. Now I missed them
dressing her wounds.
18
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:48,400
Look, Mr. Duckman,
19
00:00:48,467 --> 00:00:51,434
we've alphabetized
all your files.
20
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:53,334
We put all the cases
you've solved
21
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,501
in this folder.
22
00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:58,501
And all your failures
over here.
23
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:03,133
Divided by type--
"miserable failure,"
24
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:04,601
"total failure."
25
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,100
and "what-were-they-thinking-
26
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:09,133
even-hiring-you-
in-the-first-place failure."
27
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:10,834
My, my. How efficient.
28
00:01:10,901 --> 00:01:13,734
In fact, you've inspired me
to do a little filing of my own.
29
00:01:18,234 --> 00:01:20,767
Well, I'd better "head off."
30
00:01:20,834 --> 00:01:22,934
(chuckles):
I love language.
31
00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:28,234
URANUS:
Will you be wanting
your coffee now?
32
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,534
Every day, Corny,
33
00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:32,000
it's one thing after another--
34
00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:33,267
the worm in your liverwurst,
35
00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:35,334
the spot of urine
on your best tie.
36
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,334
Now some yutz in the hall
not watching where he's going.
37
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,667
Sometimes, I think I'm
the only one who notices--
38
00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:42,200
who isn't totally oblivious
to everything around him.
39
00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:43,667
I'm not Cornfed.
40
00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:45,334
Oh, right.
41
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,734
The hat threw me.
42
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:47,901
I'm not wearing a hat.
43
00:01:47,968 --> 00:01:49,167
That's what threw me.
44
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,467
Actually, Duckman,
you should know
who this is.
45
00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:53,868
Of course I know who this is,
trolling-for-truffles.
46
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:56,033
It's that old crooner with
the San Francisco song,
47
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,934
who did one of those "unplugged"
albums and got popular again.
48
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,300
It's always a mistake
to skip our morning briefings
49
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:02,667
on who you know,
where you live
50
00:02:02,734 --> 00:02:04,934
and what you're currently
under investigation for.
51
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,701
This is Iggy Catalpa,
the politically correct comedian
52
00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:10,434
who King Chicken used
to try to drive you insane.
53
00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:12,067
How come you always
get the back-story?
54
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,534
How come you got a scene
with Heather Locklear?
55
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,400
Duckman, you're the only one
who can help me.
56
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:18,334
What?
You're the only one
who can help me.
57
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,067
Come on, come on,
speak English, will you?
58
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:22,434
I'm sorry, Mr. Catalpa,
Duckman has never heard
59
00:02:22,501 --> 00:02:24,167
that particular combination
of words before.
60
00:02:24,234 --> 00:02:26,734
What Iggy means is that
he's not here to hurt you
61
00:02:26,801 --> 00:02:28,167
because of a bill
you haven't paid.
62
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:29,734
Oh, really. Do go on.
63
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,434
I have uncovered
irrefutable proof
64
00:02:31,501 --> 00:02:33,100
that right here
in our own beloved city,
65
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,367
there exists
a shocking conspiracy!
66
00:02:35,434 --> 00:02:37,367
(dramatic crescendo)
67
00:02:37,434 --> 00:02:39,501
An evil conspiracy that
encompasses the globe,
68
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,033
yet is so cloaked in mystery
69
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,434
as to befuddle
the finest minds of our age--
70
00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:45,467
which is not to belittle the
many other minds of our age,
71
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:46,934
which, while they
may not the finest,
72
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,934
are nonetheless fine indeed.
73
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,033
Mr. Catalpa, what exactly
is this... conspiracy?
74
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:54,100
(dramatic crescendo)
75
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,801
It's villainy incarnate.
76
00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:57,834
Every time I do my wash
in the laundromat,
77
00:02:57,901 --> 00:02:59,968
I lose one sock!
78
00:03:04,133 --> 00:03:06,067
(stifled chuckles)
79
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:09,634
(laughing harder)
80
00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:12,067
(belly laughs)
81
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:14,467
Oh, man, watch out!
82
00:03:14,534 --> 00:03:16,133
A sock!
83
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,234
Oh, my aching piles, stop...
84
00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:20,834
One sock, huh?
85
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:21,901
The bastards!
86
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,634
If it's the
last thing I do,
87
00:03:23,701 --> 00:03:25,300
I'll get to the
bottom of this...
88
00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:26,901
conspiracy!
89
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:30,234
Uh-huh.
90
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:32,067
Well, how refreshing
it is to...
91
00:03:32,133 --> 00:03:33,734
(dramatic crescendo)
92
00:03:33,801 --> 00:03:35,767
Huh.
93
00:03:35,834 --> 00:03:37,267
To have a client
who appreciates
94
00:03:37,334 --> 00:03:38,367
the cost of
doing business.
95
00:03:38,434 --> 00:03:40,033
But worry not,
Mr. Catalpa.
96
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,367
You can rest assured
that in my relentless
pursuit of the truth,
97
00:03:42,434 --> 00:03:45,167
I'll buy only
what is absolutely necessary.
98
00:03:45,234 --> 00:03:46,834
("Wooly Bully" intro playing)
99
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:53,767
* Wooly bully! *
100
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:57,167
* Wooly bully! *
101
00:03:57,234 --> 00:03:59,067
Duckman, since you've
taken a case
102
00:03:59,133 --> 00:04:00,734
for apparently
no other reason than
103
00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:02,133
to ruin the client's
credit rating,
104
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,701
the least you
could do is...
105
00:04:03,767 --> 00:04:05,734
* Oh, wooly bully! *
(snapping fingers)
106
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,501
I am taking wash
and putting it into the dryer.
107
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:13,300
Repeat: I am taking wash
and putting it into the dryer.
108
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:15,133
I am taking my underpants
109
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,467
and pulling them
below my knees.
110
00:04:17,534 --> 00:04:20,234
Repeat: I am taking
my underpants
111
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:22,701
and pulling them
below my knees.
112
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:24,701
While the odds of Iggy's
conspiracy being true
113
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:26,501
are roughly equivalent
to the possibility
114
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,834
of a Bob Dole/Snoop Doggy Dogg
duet,
115
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,167
how can you totally dismiss it
116
00:04:30,234 --> 00:04:32,634
without the slightest pretence
of investigation?
117
00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:34,634
Please, Cornicle,
that guy's more paranoid
118
00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:36,434
than all those people
who are trying to kill me.
119
00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:38,567
Paranoia is vital
to the economy, Duckman.
120
00:04:38,634 --> 00:04:40,033
It supports a cottage industry
121
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,534
of books, movies,
television shows, trade fairs
122
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:45,601
and-- ahem--
surveillance equipment.
123
00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:47,267
Hey, name one
thing I bought
124
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:49,000
that wasn't essential
for this case.
125
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:50,968
The closet full
of Sansabelt, Armanis,
126
00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:54,300
the Evian water-bed,
the 350 pounds of Mallomars,
127
00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:56,300
the surround-sound CD system
you listen to
128
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,501
while checking out
the Sheryl Crow album cover
129
00:04:58,567 --> 00:05:00,000
for visible panty lines...
130
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,601
I said one thing. Ha!
131
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:03,601
(sighs)
132
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:04,667
(alarm blaring)
133
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,501
Someone is entering
the laundromat.
134
00:05:09,167 --> 00:05:10,267
It's your family.
135
00:05:10,334 --> 00:05:11,434
My family?
136
00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:12,601
Oh, right.
137
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,601
The, uh...
washer, uh, broke.
138
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:17,701
I can't explain it, boys.
139
00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:19,067
If I didn't know better,
140
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,834
I'd say someone sat on top
of the rotator blades
141
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:21,968
with the lid open
142
00:05:22,033 --> 00:05:23,968
in some perverse act
of sexual depravity.
143
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,968
Why do I get
the sneaking suspicion
144
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:28,300
that it has to do
with that walking fiasco
145
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:30,801
who tries to pass himself
off as our father?
146
00:05:30,868 --> 00:05:33,133
MAMBO (over speaker):
Except it's hard to believe
Dad could sink any lower
147
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,801
in his pathetic attempts
to fulfill
148
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,467
his grotesque and unspeakable
physical needs.
149
00:05:37,534 --> 00:05:39,801
I can't believe they say
that behind my back.
150
00:05:39,868 --> 00:05:41,367
It's what they say
to your face.
151
00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:44,400
I know. You'd think they'd at
least change a word or two.
152
00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:47,667
Well, there's one good thing
you could say about Dad.
153
00:05:47,734 --> 00:05:48,434
What's that?
154
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,400
Perhaps "one"
is the wrong number.
155
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:54,801
And to think this is the year
156
00:05:54,868 --> 00:05:57,934
I almost remembered his
birthday and Christmas!
157
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,234
Hey, where were you?
158
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,801
Outside, helping that
Camp Fire girl den mother.
159
00:06:01,868 --> 00:06:04,367
Okay, but next time, let
someone else sew her arm on.
160
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,200
You're tracking blood
on the mohair.
161
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:07,300
You know, Duckman, I...
162
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,400
Me, me, me!
163
00:06:08,467 --> 00:06:09,400
That's all you
ever think about!
164
00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:10,834
What about me?!
165
00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,934
I'm having
a deeper personal
family crisis here
166
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,834
and I need to
talk to someone!
167
00:06:14,901 --> 00:06:17,000
All the real detective teams
confide in each other--
168
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,367
Holmes and Watson,
Starsky and Hutch,
169
00:06:19,434 --> 00:06:21,634
Hart and, uh... What
was his wife's name?
170
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:22,767
I'm sorry, Duckman.
171
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,267
I'll listen to your pain.
172
00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:25,801
What is it you were saying?
173
00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:28,033
Oop. Forgot.
174
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:29,367
Got to hit the crapper.
175
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:32,133
(screaming)
176
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:36,667
Hey, it's a documented
medical condition!
177
00:06:36,734 --> 00:06:37,968
(gong sounds)
178
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:39,901
(ninjas yelling)
179
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,000
All right, let me through.
180
00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:46,434
Damn ninjas are like roaches
in this city.
181
00:06:46,501 --> 00:06:47,567
(grunts and groans)
182
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:49,567
Lay off the hootch,
nightcrawler.
183
00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:51,300
I tell you, near-mythological,
184
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,000
Oriental martial arts warriors
today got no self-respect.
185
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,501
No, no.
186
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:58,067
Give me Iggy Catalpa's
stolen sock.
187
00:06:58,133 --> 00:06:59,434
No, no,
some detective
188
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:01,234
investigating
this conspiracy
189
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:02,968
might see it
and follow us.
190
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:04,300
Hey, would you mind?
191
00:07:06,334 --> 00:07:09,601
(all muttering)
192
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,267
Aah, screw it.
193
00:07:12,334 --> 00:07:13,267
(loud thump)
194
00:07:13,334 --> 00:07:14,601
(Duckman yells)
195
00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:22,467
(groaning)
196
00:07:22,534 --> 00:07:23,801
Wow!
197
00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:26,267
Nothing like getting clubbed
by a professional.
198
00:07:26,334 --> 00:07:28,167
You wake up clearheaded
and refreshed,
199
00:07:28,234 --> 00:07:29,968
not like with those
sorority girls
200
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:33,000
who think it's so funny to drop
a concrete block on a guy
201
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:35,000
who just spent two hours
snaking a periscope
202
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,334
through a shower drain.
203
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,834
Hey, wait a minute.
204
00:07:37,901 --> 00:07:39,167
I've been kidnapped.
205
00:07:39,234 --> 00:07:40,501
Where have they taken me?
206
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:41,734
Where could I be?
207
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:43,234
Think, think!
208
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,567
What's my location?
209
00:07:44,634 --> 00:07:46,033
What could this place be?
210
00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:47,367
Ahh!
211
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,100
Road maps?
What kind of clue is that?
212
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:52,567
I need road maps
like I need these lists
213
00:07:52,634 --> 00:07:54,901
of emergency roadside service
phone numbers
214
00:07:54,968 --> 00:07:57,434
and all these applications
for the auto club.
215
00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:07,300
(thumping on stairs)
216
00:08:07,367 --> 00:08:08,534
(gong sounds)
217
00:08:08,601 --> 00:08:10,334
All right, fashion victims.
218
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,667
What the hell's...
219
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:25,434
(beep)
220
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:31,400
CATALPA:
It's open.
221
00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:38,467
Hi, Duckman, hang on a sec.
222
00:08:38,534 --> 00:08:40,801
Yeah, Marty, I want gold down
three at the morning fixing.
223
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:42,467
I want the Mideast talks
inconclusive.
224
00:08:42,534 --> 00:08:43,467
Right. Same as usual.
225
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,067
Back home, I want you
to keep on that
226
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,067
liberals-control-the-media-
conservatives-control-
the-government thing,
227
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,300
keeping in mind
that both sides
228
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:50,133
have worthwhile
and valid points of view.
229
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,801
I want Trudy Martin
to break a heel
230
00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:53,801
outside her realty office
at 3:46 p.m.
231
00:08:53,868 --> 00:08:55,801
And I want another sports
strike. What's left?
232
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,133
Okay, then,
beach volleyball.
233
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,133
Iggy, what's going on?
234
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,067
It's a... conspiracy.
235
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:02,701
(dramatic crescendo)
236
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:03,801
Thanks, Doc.
237
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,701
Welcome to
the World Domination League,
238
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:07,834
the secret force
behind every conspiracy--
239
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,834
the death of Elvis,
what really happened
240
00:09:09,901 --> 00:09:11,501
to Monroe, Hendrix, Morrison...
241
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,067
And President Kennedy?
242
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:14,901
No, actually that was
a lone gunman.
243
00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,400
But everything else was us--
244
00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:18,701
the rise of Communism,
the fall of Communism,
245
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,033
getting prayers out of schools,
getting sex on TV,
246
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,834
the way pens don't work
in the post office
247
00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:24,100
the Olsen twins.
248
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:26,133
You see, I'd been a failure
my whole life
249
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,467
as a stand-up comic,
a cardiovascular surgeon,
250
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:30,467
a development exec
for the Warner Brothers Network.
251
00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:33,200
Then I saw this ad: "Evil
genius, full- or part-time."
252
00:09:33,267 --> 00:09:35,901
And I realized, now more than
ever, we needed an evil genius
253
00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:37,100
kids could look up to.
254
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:38,767
And all I have to do
is destroy the moral
255
00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:42,234
and economic underpinnings
of a once-great nation, haaa!
256
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:44,467
I asked a good friend of mine,
who was also an evil genius,
257
00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:45,634
and he agreed.
258
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:48,868
But why, Iggy?
259
00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:49,934
Why do this?
260
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,400
The same reason anyone like me
261
00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:52,734
would want
to dominate the world:
262
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:55,033
terrific
retirement package.
(phone ringing)
263
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,467
Ooh, it's the Division
of Poetic Irony.
264
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:57,567
I love these guys.
265
00:09:57,634 --> 00:09:59,567
They gave Newt
his gay half-sister.
266
00:09:59,634 --> 00:10:01,334
World domination. Iggy here.
267
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,634
Beautiful. Do it.
268
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:05,200
A bunch of animal rights
activists get eaten by bears.
269
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,601
How do they come up
with these things?
270
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,767
But, then,
this whole sock business...
271
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:09,901
it was just a ruse.
272
00:10:09,968 --> 00:10:11,567
No, a conspiracy.
273
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:12,801
(dramatic crescendo)
274
00:10:12,868 --> 00:10:15,033
Thank you.
275
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:16,634
It's just the way we do
things around here.
276
00:10:16,701 --> 00:10:18,667
Everything's got to be
an elaborately woven plot.
277
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:20,334
Plus, the WDL supports itself
278
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,334
by selling those cute,
little sock puppets.
279
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,100
So, now we can silence the one
detective who can stop us.
280
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,501
Well, thank you very much,
and if you don't mind,
281
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:29,267
I'll use that quote
in my new press pack.
282
00:10:29,334 --> 00:10:31,434
Get real. The only reason
you're here is your friendship
283
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:33,767
with the most brilliant mind
the world has ever produced.
284
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,601
Charlie Rose? We're not friends.
285
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,267
It was one night. I was drunk.
Things got a little...
286
00:10:38,334 --> 00:10:39,934
Cornfed Pig. He must die.
287
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,167
Corny? That second banana?
288
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,167
He's nothing.
I'm the brains of the outfit.
289
00:10:44,234 --> 00:10:46,100
I'm the one you
should be assassinating.
290
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,434
I'm the one you should
be plotting to kill
291
00:10:47,501 --> 00:10:50,367
and maim and
torture and...
(mumbling)
292
00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:52,667
(chuckling)
Well, though he's
a bright guy.
293
00:10:52,734 --> 00:10:54,200
Iggettes!
Hai!Hai!
294
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:55,634
Take this duck
to Brainwashing.
295
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:57,901
Room 101?
No. Leeza's in for touch-ups.
296
00:10:57,968 --> 00:10:59,267
Try 102.
(teeth chattering)
297
00:10:59,334 --> 00:11:00,767
Hey, wait a minute.
298
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:01,834
Let go of me!
299
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:02,834
What?
300
00:11:02,901 --> 00:11:03,834
Oh, nothing.
301
00:11:03,901 --> 00:11:05,000
I was just saying it 'cause
302
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:06,934
you know,
you were dragging me away.
303
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,534
What a putz.
304
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,100
Hey, stop that.
Let go!
305
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:11,434
Just ignore him.
306
00:11:14,267 --> 00:11:19,167
Hydrangeas, on the other hand,
can grow quite large.
307
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:23,801
They begin blooming in summer
and continue until early winter
308
00:11:23,868 --> 00:11:27,501
if given the proper amount
of mulch.
309
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:31,167
Hydrangeas come
in a variety of colors:
310
00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:33,634
white, pink, blue.
World Domination...
311
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:36,234
...League want to thank you
for taking time from exploiting
312
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,133
the global economy
to be here today.
313
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,868
The individual sitting
to my left
314
00:11:39,934 --> 00:11:42,934
has been brainwashed to believe
he is attending a rather dull
315
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:46,300
yet informative lecture
at the Ladies Floral Society.
316
00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:47,767
If you were
30 years younger,
317
00:11:47,834 --> 00:11:49,968
I'd like to plant
something in your mulch.
318
00:11:50,033 --> 00:11:51,834
It became clear that
this Duckman would be
319
00:11:51,901 --> 00:11:54,434
the greatest brainwashing
challenge we'd ever face
320
00:11:54,501 --> 00:11:57,200
when our tests revealed thathe didn't have enoughbrain to wash.
321
00:11:57,267 --> 00:12:00,100
We began clearing whatwe whimsically referred toas Duckman's mind
322
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:03,334
by showing him 18 continuoushours of The Wayans Brothers.
323
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,033
Then after gaining his trust
324
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,767
through the use of a varietyof rubber goods,
325
00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,968
it was time to turn himagainst the intended target.
326
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:11,133
Subjects will often resistour reprogramming
327
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,033
for weeks, months, even years.
328
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:16,167
"Cornfed just pretends to be
your friend to ruin your life."
329
00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:17,167
of course.
330
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:18,667
"The members of your family
331
00:12:18,734 --> 00:12:21,534
"are all agents of Cornfed,
accepting millions of dollars
332
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:24,634
in porcelain poker-playing dogs
to pretend they despise you."
333
00:12:24,701 --> 00:12:26,634
Why didn't I
think of it before?!
334
00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:28,167
"Your failures in life--
335
00:12:28,234 --> 00:12:30,601
"women, career, women,
family, women--
336
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,334
are all due to Cornfed."
337
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,334
It's the only
logical explanation.
338
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,467
IGGY:
Next comes the introductionof the Trigger,
339
00:12:37,534 --> 00:12:39,467
a signal which willinstantly turn the subject
340
00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:41,334
into a superb killing machine;
341
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,801
in this case, the playing card,queen of hearts.
342
00:12:43,868 --> 00:12:47,567
Ooh-ooh-ooh..!
343
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,667
The results?
344
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:51,367
Duckman.
345
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:54,734
Why don't you play
a game of solitaire?
346
00:13:00,834 --> 00:13:02,000
(grunts)
347
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,000
There!
348
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,334
The look of emptiness
that indicates
349
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,834
the subject's mind
has been completely drained.
350
00:13:06,901 --> 00:13:08,701
Hmm. Red on black
or red on red?
351
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,300
Jack's higher
than a ten, right?
352
00:13:10,367 --> 00:13:12,100
I wonder how you
cheat at solitaire.
353
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,400
Maybe if I distract me...
354
00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:14,534
Excuse me a moment.
355
00:13:16,234 --> 00:13:17,501
(punches landing)
356
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:19,234
(Duckman groaning)
357
00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:33,767
(growls)
358
00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:43,367
We've also programmed
an Un-Trigger,
359
00:13:43,434 --> 00:13:45,534
a common everyday phrase
sure to be used
360
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:47,133
after the crime is committed.
361
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,534
This will cause the subject
362
00:13:48,601 --> 00:13:50,501
to forget everything
that's happened.
363
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,567
Call the police.
364
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:59,234
Gentlemen, I give you
the perfect assassin,
365
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:02,367
the most deadly killing machine
in history-- Duckman.
366
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:07,067
A jack is higher than a ten.
367
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:13,534
(crickets chirping)
368
00:14:17,934 --> 00:14:20,167
Mmm. Dinner
smells delicious.
369
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,701
Actually, that's
Monday's breakfast.
370
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:24,367
I always stay
five meals ahead.
371
00:14:24,434 --> 00:14:26,467
Isn't that carrying
anal-retentive,
micro-management
372
00:14:26,534 --> 00:14:28,300
to a near-sociopathic
extreme?
373
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:29,601
Yes, thanks!
374
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:31,400
Oh, Corny, it's so liberating
375
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,501
to have
an intelligent conversation,
376
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:35,133
free from
the pornographic bleatings
377
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,067
of a certain mallard-adjusted,
manure-mouth.
378
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:39,334
Duckman's not here?
379
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,701
The most beautiful words
in the English language!
380
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,567
Has it occurred to you
that he may be missing,
381
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,033
even in trouble,
382
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,801
perhaps lying injured somewhere
in a rat-infested gutter?
383
00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:50,968
Yes, but I try not
to get my hopes up.
384
00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:52,334
Greetings, y'all.
385
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,968
It's great to be back
in the bosom of... of...
386
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:57,133
Duckman?
387
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,234
Duckman?
388
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:01,601
(sighs) Sometimes he
hangs on "bosom."
389
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:02,667
My family.
390
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:04,033
Cornectomy!
391
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,634
You probably came here,
wondering what happened to me.
392
00:15:05,701 --> 00:15:07,267
Bernice invited me
for dinner.
393
00:15:07,334 --> 00:15:08,434
Okay, I'll tell you.
394
00:15:08,501 --> 00:15:09,868
(in monotone):
I went for a walk.
395
00:15:09,934 --> 00:15:11,601
Nothing unusual happened.
396
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:13,934
I went for a walk.
397
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,667
He may be an idiot, but he sure
has a way with an anecdote.
398
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,100
Let's eat!
399
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:21,601
(phone rings)
400
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:26,400
IGGY:
Would you like to play
a game of solitaire?
401
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,367
Speaking of food,
we're coming along
quite nicely
402
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,968
on our
science fair project
403
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:38,601
of reanimating
dead tissue.
404
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:40,434
You boys win
any more of those fairs,
405
00:15:40,501 --> 00:15:42,234
and the other students are
going to call the police.
406
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:44,000
(all cracking up)
407
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,367
(knocking)
MAN:
Queen of Hearts Water Service.
408
00:15:47,434 --> 00:15:49,234
BERNICE:
Come on in!
(door opens)
409
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,000
I had a really
good day at school.
410
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,334
Ajax, it's Saturday.
411
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:02,667
There was no school.
412
00:16:02,734 --> 00:16:04,934
Perhaps that explains
why today's lesson
413
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,367
was "getting rolled
for your pocket change
414
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,734
by unwashed ne'er-do-wells
lying drunk in the playground."
415
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:12,868
CHARLES:
Well, did you communicate this
416
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:14,234
with law enforcement officials?
417
00:16:15,701 --> 00:16:18,634
Telephone the proper
public uniformed authorities?
418
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,400
Call the police!
419
00:16:33,267 --> 00:16:35,667
I've been having some problems
with a rental property recently.
420
00:16:35,734 --> 00:16:37,167
The tenants want to get out
of their lease,
421
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:39,667
which was poorly drafted
by my lawyer.
422
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,501
It's a terrible lease,
just awful.
423
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,267
Isn't that a little harsh,
Cornfed?
424
00:16:43,334 --> 00:16:45,701
Well, as my Ozark
Mama would say,
425
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:47,601
"What else you gonna
call the po' lease?"
426
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:49,434
(groans)
427
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:50,934
Look. On a whim,
428
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,000
I arranged my potatoes
into a queen of hearts.
429
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:56,634
That looks
like fun.
430
00:16:56,701 --> 00:16:59,234
Anything that much fun
is probably illegal.
431
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,734
Well, then, call the police!
432
00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:03,701
Call the police!
Call the police!
433
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,834
Notify the constabulary.
434
00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:12,934
From the cadence of his voice,
435
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,968
I suspected Duckman was either
brainwashed or constipated.
436
00:17:16,033 --> 00:17:17,534
Then I realized it was both.
437
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:20,000
Deciding to deal
with the brainwashing first,
438
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,901
I needed to know
for what purpose.
439
00:17:21,968 --> 00:17:24,400
So I substituted a harmless
gag exploding device.
440
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:27,234
Now comes the difficult part--
deprogramming Duckman.
441
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,801
We'll have to tear apart
his entire value system,
442
00:17:29,868 --> 00:17:32,067
resulting in emotional
and physical trauma,
443
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:34,367
possibly even a complete
nervous breakdown.
444
00:17:34,434 --> 00:17:38,200
Ooh, let's party!
445
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:47,400
I don't understand it.
446
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,334
Nothing seems
to have an effect.
447
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,601
Perhaps we're overlooking
a basic concept--
448
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,934
you can't break down
Dad's value system...
449
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,100
Because Dad doesn't
have any values.
450
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:58,968
Of course.
We'll have to torture him
into having values,
451
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:00,901
then tear them apart.
452
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:05,567
Government is
a necessary structure
453
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:08,167
to impose on an otherwise
unruly society.
454
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:09,167
No!
455
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,000
People want to do good.
456
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:12,000
No!
457
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:13,400
Mankind has evolved
458
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,667
into a highly
intelligent life-form.
459
00:18:15,734 --> 00:18:16,601
No!
460
00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:19,100
The human body
is not for eating.
461
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,100
I can't take it anymore!
462
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,434
You're right!
463
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:25,834
All government
is corrupt.
464
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,000
No!
465
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,000
People are out to get you.
466
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:30,167
No!
467
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,434
Mankind is a
self-destructive species
468
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,067
that will kill itself off.
469
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:35,234
No!
470
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:38,334
The human body is
mostly not for eating.
471
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,033
No!
472
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:43,033
(Duckman sobbing)
473
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:46,367
I tried to kill my best friend.
474
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:47,701
I'm scum.
475
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:49,033
I'm sub-scum.
476
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:52,534
I'm a wasted, worthless,
wreck of a duck.
477
00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:53,901
Well, he's back to normal.
478
00:18:53,968 --> 00:18:55,601
I, I can't live with this.
479
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,467
I'm going to kill myself.
480
00:18:57,534 --> 00:19:00,400
I'm going to go out
right now and kill myself,
481
00:19:00,467 --> 00:19:03,167
and none of you
better try to stop me!
482
00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:04,834
(door opens, then closes)
483
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:10,734
(yawns)
484
00:19:12,334 --> 00:19:14,267
(clearing throat)
485
00:19:14,334 --> 00:19:15,767
You're right, Corny.
486
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,167
I shouldn't
blame myself.
487
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,934
(dramatic crescendo)
488
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,934
Yes?
489
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,100
We'd like a...
map of the city.
490
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,167
Map!
491
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,901
As one might find
in an auto club--
492
00:19:31,968 --> 00:19:34,367
an auto club that's not
a front for anything
493
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:37,300
like, say, this auto club.
494
00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:38,634
Just a moment.
495
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:40,033
Brace yourself.
496
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:42,567
We're probably standing
over a trapdoor.
497
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,467
That's a refreshing change.
498
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:50,667
Good work bringing
Cornfed here, Duckman.
499
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:52,467
All on-site
assassination victims
500
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:54,701
are recycled
in the company compost heap.
501
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:55,734
Iggettes!
502
00:19:57,701 --> 00:19:59,467
You fools!
That's for killing Charlie Rose.
503
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:00,734
This is Cornfed.
504
00:20:00,801 --> 00:20:03,067
Sorry.
Sorry.
Our mistake.
505
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,033
(growls)
506
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:08,234
Duckman, stop.
507
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,868
Where are you gonna
get another sidekick?
508
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:11,934
Andy Richter's booked,
Andy Devine's dead,
509
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,100
Andie MacDowell
isn't a sidekick.
510
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:16,067
(gagging)
511
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,467
Luckily, I wax my throat
every morning
512
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:26,234
in case of just such
an ironic situation.
513
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,300
Ha!
514
00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:31,467
Hooves,
do yo' stuff.
515
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,200
(deafening rumble)
516
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:43,934
(debris clattering)
517
00:20:46,334 --> 00:20:49,334
Hmm, apparently, that wasn't
Iggy Catalpa at all,
518
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,767
just a robotic surrogate
designed by the WDL
519
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:53,601
to add one more
pointless plot twist
520
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,534
to this
overwrought conspiracy.
521
00:20:55,601 --> 00:20:56,667
It's finally over.
522
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:58,734
Duckman, do you know
what this means?
523
00:20:58,801 --> 00:20:59,934
Free maps.
524
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,067
Right.
525
00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:02,834
That and the most
fiendish organization
526
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:04,834
ever to plague humanity
has been destroyed.
527
00:21:04,901 --> 00:21:06,634
Oh, good.
By the way, Corny, uh,
528
00:21:06,701 --> 00:21:08,801
sorry about that little mix-up
at dinner last night.
529
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,334
When you tried
to kill me?
530
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,000
Let's not quibble
over details.
531
00:21:12,067 --> 00:21:13,300
The important thing is,
532
00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:15,801
when it comes to you and me,
nothing can interfere with...
533
00:21:15,868 --> 00:21:17,601
Ooh, free trip planners.
534
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,400
Yes, well,
thanks to us,
535
00:21:19,467 --> 00:21:20,601
people can now go to bed,
536
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:22,801
knowing that their lives
are truly their own,
537
00:21:22,868 --> 00:21:24,767
that the world can
write its own destiny,
538
00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:26,367
that we are no longer
the pawns and puppets
539
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:28,501
of evil worldwide
conspiracies.
540
00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:29,834
Excellent.
541
00:21:29,901 --> 00:21:32,067
Everything went
according to plan.
542
00:21:32,133 --> 00:21:35,000
(cackling)
(evil laughter)
543
00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:36,100
Good.
544
00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:38,801
They don't suspect a thing.
545
00:21:38,868 --> 00:21:41,868
(maniacal laughter)
546
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,033
Perfect.
547
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:45,200
They're right
where we want them.
548
00:21:45,267 --> 00:21:47,767
(fiendish laughter)
549
00:22:00,767 --> 00:22:03,667
(evil laughter)
550
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,167
IGGY:
The finest minds of our age.
39835
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