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1
00:00:09,534 --> 00:00:11,167
(whistles)
2
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,934
(grunting)
3
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,000
Hmm.
4
00:00:45,067 --> 00:00:47,501
Just where Dad said it would be.
5
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:52,000
Oy, this could be dangerous.
6
00:00:52,067 --> 00:00:55,000
I think I'll lean
against this metal plate.
7
00:00:56,601 --> 00:01:00,234
(Ajax screaming)
8
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:01,767
Good work, Ajax!
9
00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:03,868
Keep holding her right there!
10
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:07,567
Um...
11
00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:08,567
Dad?
12
00:01:08,634 --> 00:01:10,267
We have something
very important
13
00:01:10,334 --> 00:01:11,934
to talk to you about.
14
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,400
And I'd love to talk to you
about it, beloved children.
15
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:15,501
It's just that right now
16
00:01:15,567 --> 00:01:17,133
there's a special I want
to catch on A&E.
17
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,534
It's the monster truck
wrestle death match!
18
00:01:20,767 --> 00:01:23,567
Darn! Cousteau's
preempted again?!
19
00:01:23,634 --> 00:01:26,601
Duckman, your children are
coming to you for advice.
20
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,467
Don't you know what that means?
21
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:30,200
They're sick!
They need therapy, now!
22
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:31,267
But, Aunt Bernice,
23
00:01:31,334 --> 00:01:33,200
it's something Dad
can help us with.
24
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:36,100
You see, we have
women problems.
25
00:01:36,167 --> 00:01:37,767
So you want
to talk to...
26
00:01:37,834 --> 00:01:38,601
(laughing)
27
00:01:38,667 --> 00:01:40,234
You actually want to...
28
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,400
(laughing)
29
00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:42,567
You mean...
30
00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:43,968
(screeching laughter)
31
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:45,367
Bray on, MacButt.
32
00:01:45,434 --> 00:01:47,667
As it happens, your father
will gladly share
33
00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:49,200
his worldly wisdom
on the subject
34
00:01:49,267 --> 00:01:50,667
of the I'd-normally-say-fairer-
35
00:01:50,734 --> 00:01:52,734
except-I'm-in-the-same-room-
as-your-Aunt-Bernice sex,
36
00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:54,667
but these pay-per-view events
are on four times a day
37
00:01:54,734 --> 00:01:56,901
and I'm saving 39.95
every time I watch--
38
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,901
pirated cable,
no one's the wiser.
39
00:01:58,968 --> 00:02:00,734
We have a code blue!
40
00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:03,200
Code blue in 897-b!
Scramble!
41
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,801
(all gasp, glass breaking)
42
00:02:05,868 --> 00:02:07,133
(explosion)
43
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,300
(troops quick marching outside)
44
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,634
So, what seems to be
the trouble?
45
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:18,801
It's Amanda.
46
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:20,434
And Alexis.
47
00:02:20,501 --> 00:02:22,767
The most beautiful girls
in the world!
48
00:02:22,834 --> 00:02:24,601
We think about them
all the time.
49
00:02:24,667 --> 00:02:26,434
We dream of being
their boyfriends now
50
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:29,934
in high school and maybe
even going to college
51
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,767
to matriculate with them.
52
00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:33,133
Aah!
53
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,534
That's for the idiotic,
tasteless, puerile remark
54
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:36,868
you were about to make.
55
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:39,634
What we're getting
to, Dad, is Mom.
56
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,467
She was wonderful--
57
00:02:41,534 --> 00:02:43,267
the most incredible
woman ever, right?
58
00:02:43,334 --> 00:02:46,033
So we figured,
who better to ask than you
59
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,000
about winning
the love of your life?
60
00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:48,834
Good point.
61
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,267
The idea that
62
00:02:50,334 --> 00:02:52,501
someone like you could
get someone like her...
63
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,334
Uh, yeah, I see what you mean.
64
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,501
I mean, you,
of all people!
65
00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:57,501
Yes, well...
66
00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,400
You must know
more than anybody
67
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:01,100
about overcoming
insurmountable,
68
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:03,000
impossible,
overwhelming
odds to win...
69
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,300
I get the point!
70
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:06,567
I would be pleased
to tell you the tale
71
00:03:06,634 --> 00:03:09,767
of the greatest, purest love
the world has ever known.
72
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:11,033
Well, got to run!
73
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,033
Every time Duckman talks
about marrying my sister,
74
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,634
that's my cue
to vomit till I pass out.
75
00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:18,567
Ladies and gentlemen,
Smell-Vis has left the building.
76
00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:20,601
Okay, kiddles,
settle in by my webs
77
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:21,934
and let me take
you back to the days
78
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,934
when I was a carefree romantic
79
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,634
roaming the gloriousback roads of America.
80
00:03:27,701 --> 00:03:28,801
Miserable, stinking,
81
00:03:28,868 --> 00:03:30,634
pot-holed, cow-pie-
and-road-apple-covered
82
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:33,133
flattened-animal-guts-everywhere
you look back roads of America!
83
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,133
Take one wrong turn and you
end up in the middle of bumfu...
84
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,000
(screaming)
85
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,434
(brakes squealing)
86
00:03:43,501 --> 00:03:44,267
(yells)
87
00:03:44,334 --> 00:03:45,601
(mooing)
88
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:47,000
(thumping)
89
00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,767
(glass shattering)
(gasps)
90
00:03:49,868 --> 00:03:52,067
(birds chirping)
91
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,501
(deep, slow-motion voice):
Are you all right?
92
00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,667
(deep, slow motion voice):
Fine, fine.
93
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:20,100
Sorry about your cow.
94
00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,734
CHARLES:
Hey, Dad, can you speed this upa little?
95
00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:24,567
DUCKMAN:
Oh, right. Sorry.
96
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:25,868
(yells)
97
00:04:25,934 --> 00:04:27,834
I'm, uh...
98
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,300
I-I-I'm Duckman.
99
00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:30,434
Wh-What's your name?
100
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:32,734
I'm... Beatrice.
101
00:04:32,801 --> 00:04:34,300
I don't know where you're going,
102
00:04:34,367 --> 00:04:36,767
but it looks like
you could use a lift.
103
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,434
Oh, really,
I don't mind driving.
104
00:04:40,501 --> 00:04:42,434
It's the least I can do
after hitting your cow.
105
00:04:42,501 --> 00:04:44,667
(chuckles)
It's not like
it was your fault.
106
00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:45,868
It was just one of those
107
00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:48,567
one-in-a-million things
that could never happen a...
108
00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:49,534
(both screaming)
109
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:50,734
(crashing)
110
00:04:50,801 --> 00:04:52,367
DUCKMAN:
And then, kids,
111
00:04:52,434 --> 00:04:54,734
I did something I neverdid before with a woman--
112
00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:57,100
something that took meto new levels of ecstasy.
113
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,100
Dad!
Dad!
114
00:04:58,167 --> 00:04:59,234
I listened to her.
115
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,601
(relieved sighs)
116
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,467
I'm actually
not from Iowa.
117
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:04,601
I grew up in
a place far away
118
00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:07,267
with a way of life
that was so different...
119
00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:08,901
even primitive.
120
00:05:08,968 --> 00:05:11,601
(sighing): Sometimes
I really miss North Dakota.
121
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,267
What brings you
to Route Canal?
122
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:15,734
A magazine sent me to photograph
old, covered bridges.
123
00:05:15,801 --> 00:05:17,167
'Course the only thing
stupider than
124
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,667
reading a book
about covered bridges
125
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:20,267
or seeing a movie
about covered bridges
126
00:05:20,334 --> 00:05:21,801
is taking pictures
of covered bridges,
127
00:05:21,868 --> 00:05:23,667
so I'm working
on a little project of my own.
128
00:05:23,734 --> 00:05:24,334
What?
129
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,367
Nudie playing cards.
130
00:05:25,434 --> 00:05:26,868
Classy--
not the cheap kind.
131
00:05:26,934 --> 00:05:28,534
We are hoping to hold
the price under a dollar.
132
00:05:28,601 --> 00:05:30,467
Nudie playing cards?
133
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,367
Yeah. You know,
big, busty women
134
00:05:32,434 --> 00:05:35,300
with diamonds and spades,
and... and...
135
00:05:35,367 --> 00:05:36,634
heh-heh... heh.
136
00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:38,334
What an idiot I was,
137
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,334
thinking I could talkabout that to a woman like her.
138
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,734
Like... the Farstreig deck?
139
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,734
The '34?
140
00:05:44,801 --> 00:05:45,868
I was thinking '32.
141
00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:47,801
His ten of clubs
was a classic.
142
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:49,167
But how do you...?
143
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:51,801
Papa. He taught Playing
Cards and the Human Form
144
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:53,200
at the local university.
145
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:57,334
In fact, you kind
of remind me of him.
146
00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:01,968
And that was it.
147
00:06:02,033 --> 00:06:03,701
That was the moment I knew...
148
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:05,334
she was the one.
149
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:17,400
(yells)
150
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,667
Oh!
151
00:06:24,334 --> 00:06:26,701
(laughing)
152
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,601
Ooh, look!
153
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,834
You, uh, thinking
what I'm thinking?
154
00:06:33,901 --> 00:06:35,167
Uh-huh.
155
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,901
I can't believe it--
a story from Dad's past
156
00:06:47,968 --> 00:06:50,734
that didn't involve the phrase
"morals charge."
157
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,901
And one that actually
taught us something.
158
00:06:52,968 --> 00:06:55,801
Come on. Let's go and
win our true loves.
159
00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:57,968
We were so in love,
we didn't even mind
160
00:06:58,067 --> 00:07:01,400
when the Frog Society brought
us up on that morals charge.
161
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,033
(gasping)
162
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,200
There they are!
163
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:05,300
(sighing)
164
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:07,567
When did we first realize
165
00:07:07,634 --> 00:07:10,367
that Amanda and Alexis
were the girls for us?
166
00:07:10,434 --> 00:07:11,701
Who can say?
167
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:13,434
Maybe it was
something they said,
168
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,567
something they wore,
the way they moved.
169
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,367
Um, hi.
170
00:07:20,434 --> 00:07:22,901
I'm Mambo, and
this is Charles.
171
00:07:22,968 --> 00:07:24,167
And, um...
172
00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:25,934
We think
you're neat.
173
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,467
(groaning)
(gasping)
174
00:07:29,534 --> 00:07:32,133
Hiya, sweetmeats!
175
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,834
Excuse our dust,
short and nerdy.
176
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:37,968
Yeah, we said we'd take you to
the malt shop, and here we are.
177
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:47,868
(door kicked open)
178
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:49,701
Thanks a lot, Dad.
179
00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:52,167
Not only did your
inspirational tale
180
00:07:52,234 --> 00:07:54,601
fail to win us the hearts
of the girls we love,
181
00:07:54,667 --> 00:07:57,868
it led to our complete
and total humiliation.
182
00:07:57,934 --> 00:07:59,734
Now we're filled
with self-pity,
183
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,367
self-doubt
and self-hatred.
184
00:08:01,434 --> 00:08:02,868
Boys, welcome to adulthood.
185
00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:05,234
Next stop--
car payments and flaccidity.
186
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,868
That's the last time
we take romantic advice
187
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:10,234
from a man who thinks
Dickinson and Wadsworth
188
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:11,868
are porno stars.
189
00:08:11,934 --> 00:08:12,868
I'm sorry.
190
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,200
I'm not quite
following you.
191
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:16,033
Anyway, if you let me
continue my flashback,
192
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,033
maybe you two could
learn something yet.
193
00:08:19,434 --> 00:08:21,334
The next few dayswith your mother
194
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,300
seemed like Nine 1/2 Weeks.
195
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:24,934
Strawberries...
196
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,100
ice...
197
00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:27,467
olives.
198
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,601
These sundry tastes
and textures
199
00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,901
will lead
to an erotic awakening.
200
00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:34,934
(shuddering moan)
201
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,000
(chuckles)
202
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,200
(gulps)
203
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,100
Oh, yeah!
204
00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:42,434
(gulps, teeth chattering)
205
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:45,133
Oh, sweet Jesus!
206
00:08:47,334 --> 00:08:49,434
(orgasmic shivering)
207
00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:53,634
(slow waltz playing)
208
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,767
BEATRICE:
Step-- one, two.
209
00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:57,334
Step-- one, two.
210
00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,400
Step-- one, two.
211
00:08:59,467 --> 00:09:01,067
See? This isn't
so difficult.
212
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:02,834
You're very
graceful, Duckman.
213
00:09:02,901 --> 00:09:04,601
Very gentle.
214
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,234
Now it's time to teach you
my kind of dance.
215
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:10,601
* You put your down down *
216
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:12,133
* And thrust your pelvis, huh! *
217
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,367
* And thrust
your pelvis, huh! *
218
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:14,734
* And thrust your pelvis, huh! *
219
00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:15,734
* And thrust
your pelvis, huh... *
220
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,534
(gulps) Uh...
221
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,868
(gulps) I...
222
00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:22,300
Well, uh...
223
00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:23,534
in all my life,
224
00:09:23,601 --> 00:09:25,968
I've never felt this way
towards another man.
225
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,067
Me, neither.
226
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:28,801
Well, maybe once,
but I was a kid,
227
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,868
and there was
a lollipop in it for me.
228
00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:33,300
Duckman, you're so alive.
229
00:09:33,367 --> 00:09:35,133
I've never met
anyone like you.
230
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,868
If you want me to stop,
tell me now.
231
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:41,100
Make love to me, Duckman.
232
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:47,767
Wow!
233
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:49,467
It's never been that good!
234
00:09:49,534 --> 00:09:51,067
Duckman, I'm ready.
235
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,234
Take me!
236
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,601
DUCKMAN:
That was the happiest timeof my life
237
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,300
until one day...
238
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:00,767
(burps)
239
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,801
With each fall
of the leaves,
240
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,667
my love for you grows
deeper and stronger,
241
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:08,434
but there's something
I must tell you.
242
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:09,767
Okay, okay.
From now on,
243
00:10:09,834 --> 00:10:12,167
I'll use neutralizer spray
afterwards.
Hmm?
244
00:10:12,234 --> 00:10:15,601
Well, o-okay, but what
I want to say is...
245
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,267
(car approaching)
(gasps)
246
00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:23,200
Honey, I'm home.
247
00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:24,167
Richard!
248
00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:27,434
My love, how I've missed you.
249
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:32,834
Hey! I didn't know
you had a brother.
250
00:10:32,901 --> 00:10:34,767
Richard's not my brother.
He's my...
251
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:35,767
No, no, no! Wait!
252
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:36,767
Let me guess.
253
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:37,968
I love guessing.
254
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:40,234
Your pool guy? Your gardener?
Your neighbor?
255
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,100
Your very friendly
cable repairman?
256
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:44,567
Richard is my... husband.
257
00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:46,133
(whimpers)
258
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,234
I'm sorry I'm a few
days early, honey.
259
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,167
After our prize sow took the
blue ribbon in the state fair,
260
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,033
and I set it free
because I can't bear
261
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,767
seeing any living thing
slaughtered.
262
00:10:54,834 --> 00:10:56,567
I helped the Amish
raise a few barns,
263
00:10:56,634 --> 00:10:58,734
taught some construction workers
how to read
264
00:10:58,801 --> 00:11:01,100
and gave sponge baths
to a nice group of lepers.
265
00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:02,367
But through it all,
266
00:11:02,434 --> 00:11:04,734
I kept seeing your
sweet face, Beatrice.
267
00:11:04,801 --> 00:11:06,434
I had to come home early.
268
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,067
Your love is everything to me.
269
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:10,400
If anyone ever came
between us, it would...
270
00:11:10,467 --> 00:11:11,567
it would kill me.
271
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,267
It would just kill me.
272
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:16,701
Forgive my manners.
273
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:18,767
I'm Richard,
Beatrice's loving husband,
274
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:19,868
and you are...?
275
00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:22,100
Uh... I'm-I'm, uh...
276
00:11:22,167 --> 00:11:24,234
Well, y-you know. Uh...
277
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,467
(quietly):
I'm-I'm nobody.
278
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:29,801
Good-bye.
279
00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:37,033
You mean she was married?
280
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:40,601
Yup. I was squeezing the melons
in the forbidden fruit section,
281
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,400
dropping coins
in somebody else's meter,
282
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:44,634
burying my bone in the
neighbor's backyard, plowing...
283
00:11:44,701 --> 00:11:45,801
MAMBO:
Okay, okay.
284
00:11:45,868 --> 00:11:47,200
So what'd you do?
285
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,734
(quickly):
Plowing the wrong field.
Heh-heh.
286
00:11:49,801 --> 00:11:52,601
Then I set off
wandering again.
287
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:55,934
I was just another broken heartin the Heartland.
288
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,901
But as the weeks went by,I realized Beatrice's love
289
00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,501
was the only thingthat could make me whole again,
290
00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,834
and that Richard was justa hurdle, a stumbling block,
291
00:12:02,901 --> 00:12:05,534
one of those electric fencesaround a girls' dormitory.
292
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:09,033
In short-- an obstaclethat I'd have to overcome.
293
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:11,934
As I walked back, I practicedhow I was going to tell Richard
294
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,701
that I was in lovewith his wife.
295
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,868
I wanted to break the newsto him delicately.
296
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:20,667
Duckman,
what a wonderful surprise.
297
00:12:20,734 --> 00:12:22,601
Richard, I'm in love
with your wife.
298
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:23,767
In fact, I have been
299
00:12:23,834 --> 00:12:25,334
since the first moment
I laid eyes on her.
300
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,234
I'm sorry, Richard,
but my love for Beatrice
301
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,734
is like
the strong prairie winds,
302
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:30,400
which blow unchecked
by man or beast,
303
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,100
the mighty oak
that grows stronger
304
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,434
with each passing rain,
305
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:35,601
the snow-capped peaks
that tower above all else
306
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:37,167
since time immemorial.
307
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,734
Duckman, your eloquence
has moved me.
308
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,334
I'll leave.
309
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,767
CHARLES:
Dad, are you surethat's the way it happened?
310
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:48,801
DUCKMAN:
Well... I may have changeda few details.
311
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:53,734
Duckman,
what a wonderful surprise.
312
00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:55,601
Richard, I'm in love
with your wife.
313
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,567
(groaning)
Oh!
314
00:12:57,634 --> 00:12:59,934
Huh... he did say
it would kill him.
315
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,934
Don't die!
You can't die!
316
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,467
I loved Beatrice
even before I slept with her.
317
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,534
My heart!
318
00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:09,734
(gasping)
319
00:13:09,801 --> 00:13:11,467
Wait, damn you!
I haven't finished!
320
00:13:11,534 --> 00:13:12,868
I rehearsed and everything.
321
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,067
Come on.
322
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:16,634
It's not like we used your bed.
323
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:19,067
Just your floor, dining room
table, workbench, hayloft...
324
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:21,701
(groaning)
325
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:22,734
Wait! No!
326
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:24,234
I got to share this
with someone!
327
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:25,934
Clear!
(screams)
328
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,501
She said I was the
best she ever had!
329
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:32,067
(raspy gasping)
330
00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,567
What? The coroner ruled
it was natural causes,
331
00:13:41,634 --> 00:13:44,734
but for an extra ten bucks,
he also ruled I had died in '68.
332
00:13:44,801 --> 00:13:47,767
(chuckling) Eight years
of parking violations, good-bye.
333
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:49,234
So the lesson here--
334
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:52,334
if we ignore all the criminal
and inhumane elements--
335
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,634
is that we can succeed
by confronting
336
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,968
and thereby overcoming
our obstacles.
337
00:13:57,033 --> 00:13:59,033
Hey. You have your spin
and I have mine.
338
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,000
Me, if you're going
to have an affair,
339
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:03,334
make sure her husband
has a heart condition.
340
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,467
(gasping):
There they are, Mambo.
341
00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:13,801
The Holy Grails
of womanhood.
342
00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:15,601
Be still, our heart.
343
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,334
And there they are.
344
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,834
Tweedle-dum
and Tweedle-dumber.
345
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:20,901
Come on.
346
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,567
It's time to confront
our obstacles
347
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:24,734
and overcome them
just like Dad.
348
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,400
Hey, McGarrigles.
349
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,434
We've got something
to say to you.
350
00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:32,601
We're in love
with your girlfriends.
351
00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:36,634
They didn't die.
352
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,734
What do we do now?
353
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,934
(groaning and yelling)
354
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,133
Don't say a word.
355
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,367
I understand perfectly.
356
00:14:56,434 --> 00:14:57,634
You're at an age
357
00:14:57,701 --> 00:14:59,767
where you're curious
about alternative lifestyles,
358
00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:01,767
but I'd go easy
on the pastel shadows.
359
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,868
Blend if you're going
to rev up the Revlon.
360
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:06,033
I've got some light Egyptian
foundation you might like.
361
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,067
Maybe tawny bronze.
362
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:08,100
You're autumns, right?
363
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:10,367
Dad, this isn't makeup.
364
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:11,534
Oh.
(chuckles)
365
00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:13,000
Yeah, right.
366
00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:16,400
We took your advice, Dad,
and we got beat up.
367
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,334
How do we deal
with the girls now?
368
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,267
Easy. Left hook to the ribs,
followed by a stiff upper cut.
369
00:15:21,334 --> 00:15:23,234
Women have no answer
for a solid...
No, Dad.
370
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:25,334
The McGarrigle twins
beat us up.
371
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,501
So what? I've been beaten up
so many times,
372
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:29,834
some people think
it's affected my memory.
373
00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:41,634
Yeah, what was my point?
374
00:15:41,701 --> 00:15:43,200
Oh, yeah. Never give up.
375
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:44,634
You got to keep trying.
376
00:15:44,701 --> 00:15:45,968
Easy for you to say.
377
00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:48,067
Putting aside
Judeo-Christian morality
378
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,434
as you've apparently
done your whole life.
379
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:53,300
Richard's death solved
your whole problem, right?
380
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:54,634
Far from it.
381
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:57,767
It was at Richard's funeral
that my problems began.
382
00:15:57,834 --> 00:16:01,133
I had to see her one more time,
383
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,100
but I knewI couldn't see her there.
384
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:07,000
I felt Richard deservedhis privacy and dignity.
385
00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,200
(gasps)
386
00:16:18,801 --> 00:16:19,834
Ohh!
387
00:16:19,901 --> 00:16:21,200
D-ohh!
388
00:16:23,234 --> 00:16:24,534
I went back to the creek
389
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,934
where we both fell inthat first, fateful day,
390
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,267
figuring she'd go thereafter the funeral.
391
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:31,934
I waited and waited.
392
00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:36,868
But she obviouslywasn't coming.
393
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,934
I knew she'd haveto leave Route Canal,
394
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,300
maybe even the country.
395
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,033
Still, I was determinedto see her again.
396
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:46,300
The question was:Where could she be?
397
00:16:47,567 --> 00:16:48,968
Geez, Louise,
398
00:16:49,033 --> 00:16:51,634
it's hotter than that Thai food
Beatrice likes so much...
399
00:16:51,701 --> 00:16:52,901
Thai food.
400
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:54,234
I know where she is!
401
00:17:04,334 --> 00:17:05,467
Do you speak English?
402
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,934
I'm looking for this woman!
403
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:12,734
Damn. Wait.
404
00:17:12,801 --> 00:17:14,601
Beatrice mentioned how much
she liked Russian dressing.
405
00:17:18,868 --> 00:17:19,701
Do you speak English?
406
00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:24,734
I'm looking for this woman!
407
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:27,601
Damn! Wait.
408
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:30,334
I know. Beatrice liked the
Spanish fly I slipped her.
409
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,634
My only leads were thingsI remembered she loved--
410
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,734
Swiss Miss, prune Danish,
411
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,067
turkey sandwiches,French kissing,
412
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:39,300
Michael Jordan, scotch.
413
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:40,801
I hit rock bottom
414
00:17:40,868 --> 00:17:42,767
when I couldn't find a countrywith the initials "K.Y."
415
00:17:42,834 --> 00:17:46,267
I finally ended up in a savage,festering, scum-soaked cesspool
416
00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:47,601
of filth and misery
417
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,701
where the livingenvied the dead.
418
00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:58,000
Excuse me. I'm looking...
419
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:04,801
Ah, it's no use.
420
00:18:04,868 --> 00:18:07,467
I've searched so long
and still can't find her.
421
00:18:07,534 --> 00:18:10,501
I wonder if there are people
who search for a living.
422
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:14,801
(people applauding
and cheering)
423
00:18:14,868 --> 00:18:16,367
I'm just a baggage handler,
424
00:18:16,434 --> 00:18:19,100
but I am going to the Barbizon
Detective College at night.
425
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,567
Maybe I could...
Hey, buddy, stick
a valise in it.
426
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,000
I tried the boot country
and the mitten-shaped one
427
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:25,734
and the one that looks
kind of like an anvil...
428
00:18:25,801 --> 00:18:27,067
Did you look
in her house?
429
00:18:27,133 --> 00:18:29,434
Butt out, you
Samsonite Delilah!
430
00:18:29,501 --> 00:18:31,400
I just realized I never
looked in her house.
431
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:33,334
He-He-Hey, deducing is fun.
432
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,167
If you like deducing, maybe
you should become a detective.
433
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:37,868
Cripes! Shut your hole!
434
00:18:37,934 --> 00:18:39,400
I'm just a flat-broke
detective wanna-be.
435
00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:40,567
How am I going
to get to Iowa?
436
00:18:40,634 --> 00:18:42,734
I moonlight driving
a big rig to Iowa.
437
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:43,734
Want a ride?
438
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:46,067
If you yammer,
you walk.
439
00:18:46,133 --> 00:18:47,234
Fair enough.
440
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:50,634
Here you go, mister...
441
00:18:50,701 --> 00:18:52,634
Hey, I said dummy up!
442
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:58,767
Duckman, you're back!
443
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:00,501
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
444
00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:02,100
Where'd you go?
445
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,100
Go?
446
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,801
Well, the funeral ended at
12:06,
447
00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:07,634
and I went straight
to the bridge by the creek
448
00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:09,367
where we both fell in.
449
00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:11,434
I just had a feeling
you'd be there.
450
00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:12,634
Dumb, huh?
451
00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:15,367
Well... (chuckles)
I forgive you.
452
00:19:15,434 --> 00:19:18,868
I loved Richard, but I was
neverinlove with him.
453
00:19:18,934 --> 00:19:21,868
After he died
so mysteriously...
454
00:19:21,934 --> 00:19:23,400
I should've looked for you,
455
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:25,567
but your spirit is so free.
456
00:19:25,634 --> 00:19:28,400
I didn't want to tame
the wild animal that is you.
457
00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:30,801
It would be wrong of me
to restrain you,
458
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,634
cage you, tie you down.
459
00:19:32,701 --> 00:19:34,868
BOTH:
I pay big money
for that back home.
460
00:19:34,934 --> 00:19:37,033
(both share a laugh)
461
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:40,367
Oh, Beatrice,
everywhere I went,
462
00:19:40,434 --> 00:19:43,234
I... I played this moment
a million times in my head,
463
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:44,801
imagining what it
would feel like
464
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:46,334
when I finally found you,
465
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,767
but now that I have,
466
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,968
I... I never thought
it would feel like this.
467
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:51,634
Why? What does it feel like?
468
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,634
Home.
469
00:19:57,868 --> 00:19:59,801
Well, I can see what
you've been doing
470
00:19:59,868 --> 00:20:01,133
while I was gone.
471
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,234
(chuckles)
You know,
472
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,100
"all you can eat"
is not a challenge.
473
00:20:04,167 --> 00:20:05,934
I mean, even a train
stops sometimes.
474
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,667
No, silly.
I'm having a baby.
475
00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:10,367
Our baby.
476
00:20:10,434 --> 00:20:11,868
Our son.
477
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:13,200
A son?
478
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,634
What should we name him?
479
00:20:16,701 --> 00:20:18,267
I've always liked
the name "Hef."
480
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,767
If it's okay, I'd like
to name him after the thing
481
00:20:20,834 --> 00:20:24,033
that brought the most
happiness into my life.
482
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,033
(horn honks twice)
483
00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:29,133
(sniffles)
484
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,100
Well, that's the way
it happened.
485
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:32,400
Now's the part
486
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,801
where you make some smart remark
about how dumb I am,
487
00:20:34,868 --> 00:20:36,734
and I get insulted
by your aunt
488
00:20:36,801 --> 00:20:38,734
and then take it out
on other unsuspecting people
489
00:20:38,801 --> 00:20:41,267
by ranting at them
for no reason.
490
00:20:41,334 --> 00:20:42,267
Whoa, Dod.
491
00:20:42,334 --> 00:20:43,767
We love you, Dad.
492
00:20:43,834 --> 00:20:45,200
You're the best.
493
00:20:45,267 --> 00:20:47,400
Thanks, guys.
494
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:50,434
I sure love you, too.
495
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:51,767
And we're not
going to quit
496
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,133
until we have a date
with Amanda and Alexis.
497
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,300
Go get 'em.
498
00:20:56,367 --> 00:20:58,067
(door opens, then closes)
499
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,901
Okay, getting heavy, son.
500
00:21:04,901 --> 00:21:07,133
Charles, Mambo!
Oh, we expected...
501
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,667
The McGarrigles?
502
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:11,467
I'm afraid Immigration
finally deported
503
00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:14,367
those illegal aliens
back to Albania.
504
00:21:14,434 --> 00:21:16,801
But the McGarrigles
aren't Albanian.
505
00:21:16,868 --> 00:21:19,834
Must be computer
error, eh, Chaz?
506
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:22,634
Could take years
to work out.
507
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:24,033
Anyway, uh...
508
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,767
I really like you, Amanda,
509
00:21:25,834 --> 00:21:28,701
and, well, would you
go out with me tonight?
510
00:21:28,767 --> 00:21:30,934
And, Alexis,
I think you're great.
511
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,133
Would you go out
with me tonight?
512
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,067
We'd love to!
We'd love to!
513
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:38,868
Our dad says when you
have feelings for someone,
514
00:21:38,934 --> 00:21:40,234
never give up.
515
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:42,133
ALEXIS:
He must be smart, huh?
516
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,033
When it comes to love,
517
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:47,467
he's the smartest man we know.
518
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,968
CHARLES:
The Holy Grails of womanhood.
36943
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