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1
00:00:09,567 --> 00:00:11,200
( whistles )
2
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:49,868
MAN (over speaker):
McJagger's. Can I help you?
3
00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:51,434
Yeah. Give me a Beggar's
Banquet Burger,
4
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:53,234
a Goat's Head scoop
of Going-to-a-Cocoa yogurt
5
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:55,634
and a Beast McBurden Value Meal
with Paint It Black coffee.
6
00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:57,300
And don't skimp
on the game pieces!
7
00:00:58,367 --> 00:00:59,534
( quiet scraping )
8
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:02,701
I only need
the Jann Wenner to win.
9
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:05,701
Damn! I wonder what closet
they hid that one in?
10
00:01:05,767 --> 00:01:08,300
Oh, well, time for Plan B.
11
00:01:08,367 --> 00:01:10,801
...and since my mother
was eaten by opossums,
12
00:01:10,868 --> 00:01:13,501
finding this was
a tad bit traumatic.
13
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:14,601
Of course,
14
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:15,868
I'm open to a settlement.
15
00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:18,467
If I had a nickel
for every bloke with an opossum
16
00:01:18,534 --> 00:01:21,234
I'd buy out my contract so Mick
couldn't keep involving me
17
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:22,434
in all these
merchandising schemes.
18
00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:23,567
And I'm the lucky one.
19
00:01:23,634 --> 00:01:24,968
Woody silk-screens
t-shirts
20
00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,501
and Keith does
customer service
21
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:27,901
for the Stones
credit card.
22
00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:29,467
Rolling Stones card.
23
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:31,133
Account number, please?
24
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,667
( coughing and hacking )
25
00:01:35,701 --> 00:01:36,767
Oops! Bad lid.
26
00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:39,634
Now I'll have to sue you
for, say, $5 million
27
00:01:39,701 --> 00:01:41,234
or the winning game piece--
28
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,601
whichever would cause you
the least hardship.
29
00:01:49,601 --> 00:01:51,067
A tropical vacation!
30
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,801
And after only three months
of intensive care.
31
00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:54,133
Just shows you
what hard work
32
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,200
and self-immolation
will get you.
33
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:57,234
Stow it in the
overhead, scabbo!
34
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,934
This third world "paradise"
you're taking us to
35
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,167
is a squalid armpit
full of dirt-poor,
mud-dumb squatters
36
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:05,200
oppressed by
a cruel dictatorship.
37
00:02:05,267 --> 00:02:07,400
You say that like it's
a bad thing.
38
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:10,200
Try seeing it the way I do--
as a magical getaway
39
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:12,100
with no smog, no boom boxes,
no traffic,
40
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,434
and best of all, no clothing
required on the beaches.
41
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:15,601
( chuckling )
42
00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:16,868
i didn't hear you.
43
00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:18,901
I was enjoying the in-flight
audio entertainment.
44
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:20,634
I'm a sucker for
Allen and Rossi.
45
00:02:20,701 --> 00:02:22,267
Of course I agree with
whatever you said,
46
00:02:22,334 --> 00:02:24,167
seeing as you invited me
along for free
47
00:02:24,234 --> 00:02:26,968
when you made other
travel arrangements
for Grandma-Ma.
48
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,801
I do what I can-- and I wish
I could do something about
this cabin temperature.
49
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:34,834
It's too hot.
50
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:38,100
I'm sweating like a...
like a... lot.
51
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:39,234
Perhaps you're
perspiring like
52
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:41,901
a hygienically
impaired individual
53
00:02:41,968 --> 00:02:45,367
because there's a fireball
on the wing.
54
00:02:45,434 --> 00:02:50,934
( passengers screaming )
55
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,000
( alarm blaring )
56
00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:53,000
( laughing )
57
00:02:56,901 --> 00:02:59,834
( crashing )
58
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:01,000
MAN:
Flight 107 has arrived
59
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,801
to Puerto Guano
international airport.
60
00:03:02,868 --> 00:03:04,400
Please prepare
to deplane.
61
00:03:04,467 --> 00:03:06,334
If you're continuing on
to Havana,
62
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,534
please remain seated
while the aircraft is serviced.
63
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,200
( flies buzzing )
64
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,534
Dad, this doesn't look
anything like...
65
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:20,801
Dad?
66
00:03:27,501 --> 00:03:30,267
Shouldn't we be getting
the bags to the room?
67
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:33,534
Nah, Bernice and Grandma-Ma
can get themselves there.
68
00:03:33,601 --> 00:03:36,534
( laughing ):
Bags! Bernice. Grandma-Ma.
69
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:38,934
Once again, it sails
over his head.
70
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,801
Well, I, for one,
can't wait another minute
71
00:03:41,868 --> 00:03:44,100
to experience vacation
paradise-- d'ah!
72
00:03:44,167 --> 00:03:45,400
Hey-ya!
73
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:46,634
Chiquita.
74
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:48,167
How's about a banana?
75
00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:50,267
My polo es muchacho daiquiri.
76
00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:51,767
She digs me.
77
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:54,367
You know, it wouldn't hurt
if you'd get in the spirit
78
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:55,601
and out of those
threads yourself.
79
00:03:55,667 --> 00:03:56,601
You're scaring
the locals.
80
00:03:58,234 --> 00:03:59,901
Oh, I get it--
little worried people
81
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,434
will, uh, chuckle-wuckle
at your piggly-wiggly?
82
00:04:02,501 --> 00:04:03,834
Look, I know a doctor
whose specialty
83
00:04:03,901 --> 00:04:04,934
is stretching
the old meat budget,
84
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,400
if you know what I mean.
85
00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:08,667
Believe me, the woman
who catches my bouquet
86
00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:10,100
will be in hog heaven.
87
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,400
I just have a tattoo
i'm embarrassed about.
88
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:16,067
What can I say?
89
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,300
He was one
mesmerizing Minnesotan.
90
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:20,334
Hm.
91
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,501
( lecherous yell )
92
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:25,033
Hola, senorita!
93
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:27,300
Care for a Duckman burrito
with extra hot sauce?
94
00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:35,067
( both yelling )
95
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:38,868
( still yelling )
96
00:04:38,934 --> 00:04:40,634
( panting )
97
00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:42,767
Whew!
Hey, cantina boy,
98
00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,400
give me a tall glass
of water.
99
00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:45,667
My sister-in-law
in her birthday suit
100
00:04:45,734 --> 00:04:47,300
just gave me
a libidoectomy.
101
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:52,033
( eerie screeching )
102
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,400
( gulps )
103
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:56,100
Aah! Uh-oh.
104
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:59,501
Time for Innard Skinnard
to cut a new track.
105
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:00,868
Some vacation.
106
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,000
Next thing you know,
I'll find out they have...
107
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:06,100
That's it!
108
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:09,667
Exotic Third World paradise,
schmexmotic schmird schworld
109
00:05:09,734 --> 00:05:11,200
schmarasch schmamma.
110
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,133
Ah, you know what I mean.
111
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,834
Worlds one, two and three,
suck eggs!
112
00:05:14,901 --> 00:05:17,334
We need a Fourth World-- where
they do things the right way.
113
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,467
My way.
114
00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:19,868
Where they don't have
any pay toilets.
115
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:21,667
There are no more
telemarketers.
116
00:05:21,734 --> 00:05:23,000
There are no more valets
117
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:24,901
changing your seat
and your radio dials.
118
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:26,567
And no more people
who write "wash me"
119
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:28,133
in the dust of
your car every year,
120
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,434
even though last year's
is still completely legible!
121
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:32,868
I can't take it anymore!
122
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:35,133
Convenience stores
with six-year-old milk,
123
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,367
24-hour tellers that are
shut down for 22 hours.
124
00:05:37,434 --> 00:05:38,734
Blah-blah-blah-blah.
125
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,133
I wishwe understood English.
126
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,133
Blah-blah-blah!
127
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,667
Well, I could rant forever,
128
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,968
but I still need to send a
dump-o-gram to Commander Septic.
129
00:05:46,033 --> 00:05:48,534
Yeah. Maybe that swanky casino
has a free can.
130
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:50,000
( crowd complaining )
131
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,300
Yo, Paco,
I'm an American and, uh...
132
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,634
Guess the word "American" still
makes them quake in their boots.
133
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,534
( groaning )
134
00:06:06,601 --> 00:06:07,834
( gunfire outside )
135
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,100
( humming )
136
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:10,868
( gunfire continues )
137
00:06:10,934 --> 00:06:12,434
Whoo!
138
00:06:12,501 --> 00:06:14,033
Whoo, baby!
139
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:16,033
( Duckman whistling likea falling missile )
140
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,834
Pah! Got 'em.
( chuckling )
141
00:06:17,901 --> 00:06:19,701
( crowd roaring )
142
00:06:22,968 --> 00:06:25,534
Oh, no.
Not another intervention.
143
00:06:25,601 --> 00:06:27,467
Well, Duckman,
you've done it now.
144
00:06:28,534 --> 00:06:29,767
Oh. Right. Sorry.
145
00:06:29,834 --> 00:06:32,200
A little Airwick,
you'll never know I was...
146
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,634
The government's
been overthrown
147
00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:36,801
and guess
who's responsible?!
148
00:06:36,868 --> 00:06:38,567
Wait. I know this.
149
00:06:38,634 --> 00:06:40,801
Uh... Eli Whitney?
150
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,000
Harriet Beecher Stowe?
151
00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,434
Aaron Burr?
152
00:06:44,501 --> 00:06:45,601
No, Ajax.
153
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:47,267
Unless it's someone named
154
00:06:47,334 --> 00:06:50,400
isosceles triangle, i've wasted
a whole year of school.
155
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:51,434
I'm guessing you mean me.
156
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:52,701
But what did I have
to do with it?
157
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:55,133
Senor,
the Great Toilet Rebellion
158
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,267
was inspired by your passion.
159
00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:01,567
We would be honored if you
would be the new el presidente.
160
00:07:01,634 --> 00:07:02,667
You want me to be a cigar?
161
00:07:02,734 --> 00:07:04,534
No, you spastic
ooze monkey.
162
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,834
They want you to be
the dictator!
163
00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:08,133
They do?
164
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,801
Does that mean I could make
whatever laws I want?
165
00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:10,801
Run things my way?
166
00:07:10,868 --> 00:07:12,968
Of course.
Your word would be law.
167
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,467
( groaning )
168
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,067
Duckman, part of me believes
169
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:17,467
you're judicious
and mature enough
170
00:07:17,534 --> 00:07:18,701
to handle unlimited power.
171
00:07:18,767 --> 00:07:20,601
Of course,
that same part of me believes
172
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:23,133
that JFK shares a townhouse
with Elvis and Jim Morrison
173
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,000
on a small Mediterranean island.
174
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,367
Esta usted une snobbo?
175
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:29,133
If I thought, as you do,
176
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,200
that government should be run
only by competent
177
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:35,267
and experienced and smart
and reasonable people,
178
00:07:35,334 --> 00:07:37,901
I would never have voted
for term limits.
179
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,934
Besides, me having
unlimited power
180
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,801
the blind adoration
of millions
181
00:07:41,868 --> 00:07:44,701
total control over the fate
of an entire people--
182
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,667
what could possibly go wrong?
183
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:50,033
For a complete list,
send $12 to Journal Graphics,
184
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,234
Washington, DC, 20300.
185
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,067
( crowd cheering )
186
00:08:02,701 --> 00:08:04,801
Too military.
187
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:07,133
Too spiky.
188
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,534
Too fruity.
189
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:11,167
Too phallic.
190
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:13,701
Too heavy.
191
00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:16,667
Not phallic enough.
192
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,601
That's the one!
193
00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:20,400
Listen,
Muammar Khadoofus,
194
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,767
we want you to give us
cabinet positions
195
00:08:22,834 --> 00:08:25,067
so when this
already godforsaken stinkhole
196
00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:27,033
turns into the festering
sulphur pit
197
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:28,367
it'll inevitably become
198
00:08:28,434 --> 00:08:30,434
after a few hours
with you at the helm,
199
00:08:30,501 --> 00:08:31,534
we can impeach you.
200
00:08:31,601 --> 00:08:33,200
You? You actually think
201
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:35,701
I'd put you in charge
of something?
202
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:40,133
( groaning )
203
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,434
"First Lady"
have a nice ring to it?
204
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:44,534
Perfect.
( grunts )
205
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:46,934
I'll devote myself to
starting new programs
206
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,334
dedicated to improving
education, health care
207
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,868
and housing
for the poor.
208
00:08:50,934 --> 00:08:52,667
Excellent! I need useless
social programs to cut
209
00:08:52,734 --> 00:08:54,901
when I'm pretending
to be fiscally responsible.
210
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,033
As for us, Dad, we'd be happy
to bring Puerto Guano's
211
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,367
arts and humanities up
212
00:08:58,434 --> 00:09:00,300
to their proper
level of esteem.
213
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:01,601
Not to worry.
Taking my inspiration
214
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,234
from current
American attitudes,
215
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,834
I just ordered a new artists'
and poets' wing for the prison.
216
00:09:05,901 --> 00:09:08,033
What about
the environment?
And employment?
217
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,234
Like those are things
people worry about.
218
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,734
Okay, Charles,
La Bamba...
219
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,734
Mambo.
220
00:09:12,801 --> 00:09:13,734
Whatever.
221
00:09:13,801 --> 00:09:14,801
You're Minister of Industry.
222
00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:16,000
You're Minister
of the Environment.
223
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,033
Spotted owls.
224
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,100
More jobs.
225
00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:19,300
Spotted owls!
226
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,267
More jobs!
227
00:09:21,334 --> 00:09:23,033
Ajax, you can have a position
228
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,234
I believe you're
uniquely qualified for.
229
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,033
El vice presidente
230
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,334
and your duties are to, eh...
231
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,667
guard that ashtray.
232
00:09:31,734 --> 00:09:33,367
Wow! By myself?
233
00:09:33,434 --> 00:09:34,834
Use the army,
if you want.
234
00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:35,968
Thanks, Dad.
235
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,567
And Corny, you'll be
my Secretary of State,
236
00:09:37,634 --> 00:09:40,033
so get me a cup of coffee
and then take a letter.
237
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,234
Wait. Never mind.
238
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,400
Time for my first
balcony harangue.
239
00:09:44,634 --> 00:09:46,033
( rifles cocking )
240
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,968
Borrow your ashtray?
241
00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:51,667
Uh, sure.
242
00:09:54,534 --> 00:09:56,067
Damn.
243
00:09:56,133 --> 00:09:58,300
( fanfare plays )
244
00:09:58,367 --> 00:10:00,501
Today, I come to you
with a vision--
245
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,100
a vision not only
of exploiting
246
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,734
my high office for personal gain
247
00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:05,667
but of a shining island country
248
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,067
where the common man is king.
249
00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:08,901
where people will no longer live
250
00:10:08,968 --> 00:10:10,767
under the jackboot
of a dictatorial madman
251
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:12,400
who makes you adhere
to his every whim.
252
00:10:12,467 --> 00:10:14,801
I think I'll call it
"Duckmania."
253
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:15,801
And whoever doesn't like it
254
00:10:15,868 --> 00:10:17,133
will die an ugly
and painful death!
255
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:21,734
( cheering )
256
00:10:21,801 --> 00:10:23,167
In my first hundred days,
257
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:25,133
I pledge to wipe out
the annoyances
258
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,000
that blight
your pitiful existence,
259
00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:30,267
and so I present to you
my "contract with Duckmania"--
260
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:32,200
an end to car alarms
that talk,
261
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:34,234
to supermarket carts
with jiggly wheels
262
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,100
and to people
who put cute messages
263
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:37,801
on their answering machines.
264
00:10:37,868 --> 00:10:40,300
( cheering )
265
00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:42,767
An end to music videos
which feature the band
266
00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:44,701
instead of sweaty,
half-naked girls
267
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:47,267
to really hairy guys
in public swimming pools.
268
00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:50,167
Furthermore, Duckman outlaws
all babies in movie theaters,
269
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:52,734
and Duckman outlaws all people
who refer to themselves
270
00:10:52,801 --> 00:10:54,033
in the third person.
271
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:56,100
( cheering )
272
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:58,701
Possession of a leaf blower--
unconstitutional.
273
00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:01,434
Fat women wearing spandex--
five to ten, no parole;
274
00:11:01,501 --> 00:11:04,334
and public exhibition
of an Adam Sandler movie--
275
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:05,634
lethal injection!
276
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:10,968
( cheering )
277
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:17,167
Duckman,
we need to talk.
278
00:11:17,234 --> 00:11:18,801
( clearing throat )
279
00:11:18,868 --> 00:11:21,601
Aren't we
forgetting something?
280
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:24,267
Hail, Duckman.
281
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:27,667
Soldier, you have
a button loose.
282
00:11:29,701 --> 00:11:31,868
Remember: three buttons
loose at all times.
283
00:11:31,934 --> 00:11:33,834
Duckman, can't you see that
you're trying to pay rent
284
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,300
at the Fool's Paradise motel
285
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:37,634
with expired American Express
reality checks?
286
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:38,634
Huh?
287
00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:39,634
You're taking a ride
288
00:11:39,701 --> 00:11:41,133
on the roller coaster of power
289
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,968
without being as tall
as Mr. Maturity's hand.
290
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,734
Heh?
291
00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:48,601
If you lose touch
with ordinary people's lives,
292
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,868
you'll travel the same route
as those before you,
293
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:53,834
and I don't want to be here when
they realize you're not God.
294
00:11:53,901 --> 00:11:54,934
But I am God.
295
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,334
It says so
in the constitution.
296
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,367
So you see, Corny,
everything is taken care of.
297
00:12:00,434 --> 00:12:01,634
With Duckman
at the wheel,
298
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:03,968
there's no way anything
bad can ever happen.
299
00:12:04,033 --> 00:12:05,267
That address again:
300
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:08,067
Journal Graphics,
Washington, DC, 20300.
301
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,467
Kids, about your father...
302
00:12:11,534 --> 00:12:13,234
You're worried
about his refusal
303
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,234
to share his power
with the people.
304
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,000
It bothered us too--
a little lower--
305
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,834
till we realized
that free elections
306
00:12:18,901 --> 00:12:21,167
would lead to corrupt
special interest groups
307
00:12:21,234 --> 00:12:22,667
keeping a permanent
government
308
00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:24,801
from sharing their power
with the people.
309
00:12:24,868 --> 00:12:27,667
Dad's just cut out
the middleman.
310
00:12:29,701 --> 00:12:31,267
( rhythmic marching )
311
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:36,601
Bernice, I'm afraid your entire
family has gone off the deep...
312
00:12:36,667 --> 00:12:38,868
Love to chat,
313
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:43,000
but I'm in the middle
of a cabinet debriefing!
314
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,534
( lascivious laugh )
315
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:46,734
Senor Duckman,
I have terrible news.
316
00:12:46,801 --> 00:12:48,701
The treasury,
she is almost empty.
317
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:49,767
Nonsense!
318
00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:51,534
Where can all the
money have gone?
319
00:12:51,601 --> 00:12:53,634
Last one in the caviar
is a rotten egg!
320
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,367
Senator Stark!
321
00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:00,467
One of the U.S. Senate's
most distinguished
322
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:01,534
moral degenerates.
323
00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:03,300
I thought you were
at the performance
324
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:04,300
of my boys choir.
325
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,334
They sing too?
326
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,400
Mr. Presidente,
327
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,000
there's something
terribly wrong
328
00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:09,601
about using
these people's money
329
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,067
for your own
personal pleasure.
330
00:13:11,133 --> 00:13:12,501
Well, I, uh...
331
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:13,901
You should be using ours!
332
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,567
The U.S. taxpayer
needs to see
333
00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:18,033
a few patently propped-up
puppet governments
334
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,334
that do whatever we say
335
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,100
under the threat of violence,
in order to reaffirm
336
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:24,567
the supremacy of American
values and ethics.
337
00:13:24,634 --> 00:13:26,501
A noble standard
to uphold, Senator.
338
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:29,067
Hey, I could burn down
an unsightly rain forest
339
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:31,634
and put in a new army base
with missiles and a--
340
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:34,400
Oh, I don't know--
whoever you want.
341
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,868
And that's just
the beginning, Senator.
342
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:45,801
True, there are those
who think me mad
343
00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,300
but I ask you: would a madman
344
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:48,868
plan to have
the island dynamited
345
00:13:48,934 --> 00:13:50,868
into the shape
of his own glorious head?
346
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:53,701
Would a madman
publicly announce a master plan
347
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:56,167
for U.S.-funded
total global domination?
348
00:13:56,234 --> 00:13:59,400
Would a madman come up
with a different victory dance
349
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:00,434
for every country he conquers?
350
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:01,400
Canada!
351
00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:02,934
( rhythmic humming )
352
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,367
Swaziland!
353
00:14:04,434 --> 00:14:05,901
( rhythmic humming )
354
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:06,901
Boise!
355
00:14:06,968 --> 00:14:11,167
( rhythmic humming )
356
00:14:11,234 --> 00:14:12,734
CORNFED:
Duckman, despite
a weak spot
357
00:14:12,801 --> 00:14:13,901
for the Canada dance,
358
00:14:13,968 --> 00:14:17,167
I hereby resign
as Secretary of State.
359
00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:18,767
No decent person can stand by
360
00:14:18,834 --> 00:14:20,100
while you trample
the people and principles
361
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,534
of an entire nation.
362
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:24,300
Also, they ran out of those
little miniature hot dogs.
363
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:26,534
This pig displeases me.
364
00:14:26,601 --> 00:14:27,901
Seize him!
365
00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,601
Fine! Go! I don't need you,
you hear me?
366
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:35,801
I don't need you!
367
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:36,901
I can always
get another secretary.
368
00:14:36,968 --> 00:14:38,100
I'll call Kelly's.
369
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:39,133
Or better yet--
370
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,801
Here, Gecko.
371
00:14:40,868 --> 00:14:42,834
You pledge to uphold the office
of secretary of state?
372
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:43,834
( whimpers )
373
00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:45,767
I'll take that as a "yes."
374
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,567
If we're to be effective
as a band of rebels
375
00:14:54,634 --> 00:14:56,234
trying to bring down
the Duckman regime,
376
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,100
we must be
in top fighting condition.
377
00:14:59,334 --> 00:15:00,734
Come at me. I'll show you.
378
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:03,033
( yelling )
379
00:15:20,434 --> 00:15:21,400
Oh, hi.
380
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:23,167
Cornfed, as members
of the first family,
381
00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:24,634
we've grown disillusioned
382
00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:26,901
with our lives
of decadence and hubris.
383
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:30,701
And we want to save Dad
from his raging Eggo.
384
00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:32,434
Ajax, you mean "ego."
385
00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:34,567
Oh. Once again,
I've confused Dad's psyche
386
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,234
with a toasted breakfast food,
387
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:37,567
although the image
388
00:15:37,634 --> 00:15:39,567
of fighting off
a bloodthirsty waffle
389
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:42,834
will forever remain a favorite
in the playground of my mind.
390
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,334
I can't let you join us, boys.
391
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,767
Regardless of
the circumstances,
392
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,834
the notion of teaching you
to betray your own father
393
00:15:47,901 --> 00:15:49,300
paralyzes me with guilt.
394
00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:51,834
He called you a whiny, little,
trough-licking turncoat,
395
00:15:51,901 --> 00:15:53,133
who talks in a deep voice
396
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,901
to overcompensate for his
inadequacies with women.
397
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:59,734
We'll start with "12 Ways to
Impale a Man on a Palm Frond."
398
00:16:10,334 --> 00:16:11,667
( screaming )
399
00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:12,934
( crashing )
400
00:16:22,901 --> 00:16:24,601
AJAX:
Eww!
401
00:16:38,934 --> 00:16:41,467
( mob chanting angrily )
402
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:44,300
Cornfed...
403
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:47,601
Cornfed...
404
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:50,167
I want him executed!
But he's not here.
405
00:16:50,234 --> 00:16:52,100
Then have
this magazine executed!
406
00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:55,767
Senor Presidente,
we have scoured the countryside.
407
00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:57,934
Cornfed and his band
of marauders
408
00:16:58,033 --> 00:16:59,634
are nowhere to be found.
409
00:16:59,701 --> 00:17:02,067
All right.
Time for my secret weapon.
410
00:17:02,133 --> 00:17:05,968
Uncage the invisible
psychic flying monkeys.
411
00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:07,701
Such a thing does not exist.
412
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,133
Small-minded fool.
413
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,901
Just because you're not
invisible and psychic
414
00:17:10,968 --> 00:17:12,267
like me and my monkeys,
415
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:14,300
must you criticize
everyone that is?
416
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,434
Charles and Mambo,
417
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:18,767
you infiltrate the palace
via hand-dug tunnels.
418
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:21,334
Ajax, you blow open the gates
with a crude bomb
419
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,234
made from papayas
and fried plantains.
420
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:24,467
We'll all rendezvous
in the palace gardens
421
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:26,133
at 10:00 Eastern,
9:00 Central.
422
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,267
Any questions?
423
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:38,767
What's all this about?
424
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,901
Once again, the U.S.
is spending millions
425
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:43,534
to oust a puppet they spent
millions to get into office.
426
00:17:43,601 --> 00:17:44,834
They'll spend more millions
427
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,767
on the cover-up to hide
having spent those millions
428
00:17:46,834 --> 00:17:47,801
and even more millions
429
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:49,033
to discredit members
of the media
430
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,334
who report otherwise.
431
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,100
It's a good thing
they print their own money.
432
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,167
Dad's a puppet?
433
00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,534
That would explain
his eerie silence
434
00:17:55,601 --> 00:17:58,701
every time Shari Lewis
drinks a glass of water.
435
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:01,667
BERNICE:
* Stop crying over me *
436
00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:03,000
* Puerto Guano. *
437
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:04,334
Listen to them.
438
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,367
How dare the poop-ulace
accuse me
439
00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:08,634
of squandering
this country's savings.
440
00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:10,567
Duckman, something's missing.
441
00:18:10,634 --> 00:18:11,834
Aah! You're right!
442
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:13,133
Where's my collection
of early colonial
443
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,133
wooden butt plugs?
444
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,634
No, it's the boys.
445
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:17,033
I haven't seen them
for hours--
446
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,400
several hundred hours.
447
00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:19,934
Ouch!
448
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,834
Duckman, they've left to join
Cornfed's band of rebels.
449
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:26,367
Everyone's deserting us.
450
00:18:26,434 --> 00:18:29,267
I'm getting out of here
while I still can.
451
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:31,367
Traitor! Have her shot.
452
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:32,701
But she's already gone.
453
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:34,734
Then have her
statue shot.
454
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:44,334
Cover me.
455
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:51,567
Gadzooks.
456
00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:54,067
Some hooligan
left the gate ajar.
457
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:02,434
Whoa!
458
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:04,000
( yells )
459
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:14,033
CROWD ( chanting ):
Work it out with us!
460
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,334
Work it out with us!
461
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,434
Stop, you fools.
462
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:19,968
Look upon my chest
of medals in fear.
463
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:22,334
Okay, okay.
464
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,100
Like any great political figure,
I'll buy your love.
465
00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:27,667
As a reward to all
who support my administration,
466
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:30,634
I will give each of you
ten centavos.
467
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,234
Of course, to finance
such a generous gift,
468
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,234
I have to raise your taxes
by 11 centavos.
469
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:37,467
CROWD:
Work it out with us!
470
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:39,300
Work it out with us!
471
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:40,300
( panting )
472
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,234
( farting )
473
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,334
Et tu, Grandma-Ma?
474
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,067
Well, take that.
475
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:48,367
( farting )
476
00:19:48,434 --> 00:19:50,133
( crowd yelling )
477
00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:55,367
General, my faithful
right-hand man.
478
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:57,501
And with me, that term
has a lot of extra meaning.
479
00:19:59,300 --> 00:19:59,968
( whimpers )
480
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,067
El Duckman,
481
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,367
since you've
plundered our economy,
482
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,033
we've decided to make up for it
483
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:09,133
by turning your execution
into a pay-per-view spectacular.
484
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,801
Will it be this
lovely guillotine...
485
00:20:11,868 --> 00:20:12,868
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
486
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:15,033
This brand-new
electric chair...
487
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,133
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ahh!
488
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,634
Or a conversation
with Kathie Lee?
489
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:21,033
Cody said
the cutest thing today.
490
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:24,234
Have you no mercy?
491
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:35,601
( gasping )
492
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:36,634
Good people,
493
00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:38,567
Duckman has crippled
your economy,
494
00:20:38,634 --> 00:20:41,901
ravaged your natural resources,
shattered your spirit.
495
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:44,334
Still, his name is
on all my stationery.
496
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,067
( whistles )
497
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:47,767
( rumbling )
498
00:20:47,834 --> 00:20:49,868
( all gasp )
499
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,033
( grunts )
500
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,701
( whinnies )
501
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:58,701
( crowd yelling )
502
00:21:02,334 --> 00:21:04,267
That's the second
dream vacation
503
00:21:04,334 --> 00:21:05,834
slash near-death
experience
504
00:21:05,901 --> 00:21:07,701
you've put us
through, Duckman.
505
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,033
I'm starting
to rethink
506
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,834
our Christmas
getaway to Iraq.
507
00:21:10,901 --> 00:21:12,300
Ingrates.
508
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,834
Next time I become dictator of
a small Latin American country,
509
00:21:14,901 --> 00:21:16,300
the first thing I'll do
is kill everyone
510
00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:17,701
before they can turn on me.
511
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:20,133
No lesson is ever lost
on you, Duckman.
512
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,367
Fascinating, isn't it?
513
00:21:22,434 --> 00:21:24,033
History shows us that
however well-intentioned
514
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,601
a revolt may be,
515
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:27,868
people are still imperfect
as rulers.
516
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:30,667
No matter who you elect,
eventually, they grow corrupt.
517
00:21:30,734 --> 00:21:32,834
Meet the new boss,
same as the old boss.
518
00:21:32,901 --> 00:21:35,367
Even in a society
with an informed electorate,
519
00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:36,567
( snoring )
one that is willing to...
520
00:21:38,234 --> 00:21:39,634
...examine all aspects...
521
00:21:39,701 --> 00:21:42,734
do things in...
522
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:44,901
but not without going...
523
00:21:44,968 --> 00:21:46,467
( snoring )
524
00:21:46,534 --> 00:21:49,567
Shoes... Cheese... Never mind.
525
00:21:49,634 --> 00:21:51,601
( snoring )
526
00:22:35,267 --> 00:22:36,434
( Duckman whistling likea falling missile )
527
00:22:36,501 --> 00:22:37,467
Pah! Got 'em!
528
00:22:37,534 --> 00:22:38,467
( chuckling )
37773
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