Original subtitles

(quacks)

(man yells)

(gunshots, woman screams)

WOMAN: I'm tired of all this squalor and misery

Of living so close

to a miserable, degrading nightmare of an existence.

Well, even though we don't live in the ghetto, it does affect...

I am talking about this house!

Hey! Don't talk about my house

like it doesn't have class or something.

(belches)

A home is more than just pretty paint

or a healthy lawn,

or a yard free of rusted-out benzene barrels.

It's about all the little homey touches, too.

Like your crime-scene-distressed patio furniture?

What, the only good picnic table

is one without human blood on it?

You have a 30-foot stack of flaming tires in your backyard.

I told you, I can't put it out

until someone from Ripley's documents it.

It's been burning for three years.

Well, it's hard to get them to come out.

They're still angry about, you know, the bee thing.

The bee thing?!

(screams) People, please.

The purpose of inviting the mayor

to our block association meeting

was to address the real needs of our city.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that's her now.

Remember, everyone, the mayor was kind enough

to come and participate

in this, the truest expression of democracy,

so let's behave like Americans.

ALL: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

MAYOR: Back. I have a taser.

(gasping)

The only reason I'm here is to stop the harassment--

the letters, the petitions

the decapitated dolls in the mail--

day after day after day!

(nervous laughter)

One woman's harassment is another woman's persistence.

Well, here's one woman's cease and desist order.

Bye.

Wait, just a minute, toots.

We are your constringents

and as such, have a consultational right

to pizza and dissembly

with a special systolic perversion

of life, Listerine and the cheroot of sappiness

to cervix and project.

What are you talking about?

Uh, just a sec.

Uh, never mind.

Look, plain and simple, Mayor McBabe

we are not going to be swept under the rug

like some worthless stack of garbage.

Ow!

Mayor, we just want you to hear our ideas

on how to improve the city.

Oh, what the hell.

15 minutes to Baywatch.

Okay, make it snappy with these "ideas."

Me! Me! Me! Hey!

Eh-eh. Before you start

if any of them cost money, we'll have to raise taxes.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Improvements don't have to cost money.

We can volunteer to help out

at day care centers or old age homes

pick up litter, clean up graffiti.

In short, we could pull together as a community

and give freely of our time and effort.

What do you say?

(smacking)

Hasselhoff time!

(cheering) Not so fast.

If there's anything

my almost week and a half in office has taught me

it's that you can't change anything

but you can find a scapegoat.

(growling)

(screams)

(Duckman grunting)

MAN (clapping): Bravo.

I have to applaud you

for the single greatest display of negative thinking, or N.T.

that I have ever seen in one place.

Tony Sterling, self-made millionaire

entrepreneur and a living example

of the power of positive thinking, or P.T.

I have the way to beautify your city, or B.Y.C.,

make it a better place to live, or B.P.L.

and just get happier, or J.G.H.

Terif. Now, why don't you G.F.Y.?

(chuckles)

Charming, you adorable-though- obviously-ravaged-by-bees gal.

You're right to be skeptical, or S.

It is, however, possible.

Real beauty...

ALL: Or R.B...

Excellent...

starts with you.

When you look beautiful

you want the world around you to look beautiful too.

You'll spend and do and work

until your city, like you,

gives off a glowing lustrous sheen of prosperity

professionalism and proprietary--

a word that has nothing to do with the sentence

but starts with "P-R," so I threw it in anyway.

Now I know what you're thinking.

MAN: Take it off, mayor!

You're thinking, "But, Tony, you're so handsome.

How could you know what it's like to be ugly?"

Well, I used to be awkward and unattractive

a real dough-faced, smegma-coated zero.

But then

(glass breaks, woman screams) I decided I needed help

becoming the most perfect me I could be.

So I set out to put perfection in a bottle.

Beautex-- because in this world

you come first.

Sounds good.

I'd love some.

Hold your horses, eager beavers.

Lest you think

it's only the hombres who can look this good

I'd like to introduce you

to the spokeswoman

for Lady Beautex.

(all oohing)

Angela.

(all clamoring)

MAMBO: Hey, Dad

that's Angela, the 911 operator

whose voice you fell in love with

and who turned out to be ugly

but you loved her anyway.

Then she got a makeover and became a gorgeous supermodel

and you broke up with her because she was too good for you

and you'd be holding her back.

Don't you think I know all that?

That wasnt for you; that was exposition

for the 99.9% of the audience

who are usually out having a life

on Saturday nights instead of staying home

and flipping through obscure cable channels

in the hopes they'll catch a little soft-core pornography.

Hmm. Oh, my gosh.

An-An-Angela, it's m-m-m-me.

(phone rings)

Hold that stammer, will ya?

Yello.

She owes how much in Beautex bills?!

Wrap her wrinkled butt in a shawl

and kick her and her cat out in the street.

And hurry, it's supposed to snow.

Angela, you... you've changed.

Impressive, isn't it?

So, Dinkman, what's been happening

since I saw you last?

Great, sounds like fun. Well...

Maybe I'll see you later, huh?

Nothing romantic, of course

because, well...

look at you, then look at me.

(door slams)

People always try to convince me

that it's what's inside that counts,

but those are the ugly people.

I want to get Angela back

but to do that now, I have to get beautiful

no matter how much it costs.

(change clattering)

Oh, deadbeat neighbors.

Oh, well.

This will get me started.

Beautex me!

ANNOUNCER: It's time for The Magic of Beautex

with your host, Tony Sterling.

Thank you.

You're marvelous.

You know, I've been all over the world

and everywhere I go, people say the same thing--

"Stop smiling at me."

Then they say, "Hey, Tony,

"you're living right and looking good.

How do you stay so up?"

Three words--

"Beautex...

my friend."

(cheering)

As you know, many of your neighbors

have been using Beautex for weeks

and they're with us today

to share some of their experiences with you

so come on.

(with audience): Let's get Beautexed!

Why, look who's here to introduce those neighbors--

that glamorous supermodel, Angela.

Thanks, Tony.

You're not going to believe our next Beautex success story.

Can't wait.

Hi. Iggy Catalpa here, former stand-up comic

now the guy who finds virgins for Fox executives.

I'm tired of always being the butt of everyone's jokes.

They call me dweeb and geek and nerd.

One guy called me a jackanape.

I don't even know what that means.

For me, life is a long, dark tunnel

with no end in sight.

I long for the peace that only death can bring.

(applause)

Would you like to see Iggy after one week

of using the Beautex line of products?

(cheering)

Wow, Iggy, is that really you?

You bet, Tony, and I owe it all to Beautex.

Now life is worth living again.

I'm confident, secure

and I get more tail than I can handle. Ha!

(applause)

But don't just take his word for it.

With the money I made selling Beautex

I funded a day-care center, a gang outreach program

and a committee to restore English

to our convenience stores

but most important, I'm a bitchin' babe!

Thank you, Beautex.

We're dating Winona Ryder.

Thank you, Beautex.

I used to be sloth-like and rotund

but now I'm a stunning slice of man meat.

Like with most things

I assumed it was the work of tiny little demons

that enter my body when I sneeze or yawn

but it's been explained to me that this time is different.

Thank you, Beautex.

Beautex fever is catching!

And you don't have to be alive to enjoy its benefits.

From building materials to paints to laundry detergent

to lawn care

everything looks better with Beautex on it.

(applause)

That last splotch must have worked.

I'm six degrees of studly now.

Hunk city, here I come.

(yells)

(doorbell buzzing)

CORNFED: Duckman, open up.

Take a hike, Ziffel.

You can't live a life devoid of meaningful contact

spending all your time frantically rubbing yourself

with a fistful of lotion...

...uh, anymore.

I don't want to see anyone.

I've been using Beautex

for days, and it doesn't work on me.

Everyone else sparkles like a young dentist's spit sink

and I look like the floor around Stevie Wonder's urinal.

No offense meant, of course, to that talented songsmith.

I need love, I need companionship...

I need a new door.

Why, Corny, you're beautiful.

Tell me something I don't know.

You've been using it, too?!

The one who says how shallow it is

to be obsessed with the surface, nonspiritual, the superficial?

Sue me.

I'm getting more tail than I can handle.

Are all of these empty?

I'm doing this for Angela, Corny.

I'd give anything to hear her voice calling....

ANGELA: Duckman.

Calling.... Duckman!

Call... Duckman!

Uh... I'm, uh... down in the basement

where it's real dark

'cause I'm, uh...

I can't tell her something embarrassing

like I'm ashamed of my appearance. Think. Think.

I'm developing pornographic photos!

Be gentle. He's more nervous

than a Mennonite without a mill at the Festival of Tehezadarel.

I got to make my references hipper.

Duckman, I'm here because

you owe almost $3,000 in unpaid Beautex bills.

I'll just take your car, furniture, clothes

and any gold fillings you might have.

Fine. Take it all.

It doesn't matter anyway-- I've had it up to here.

I'm holding my hand under my chin, by the way.

How could I have hoped to get back together with you?

Get back together with me?

After the way you dumped me?!

Leaving me sitting in that restaurant

just waiting for you?

Three weeks, three long weeks sitting in that booth

looking up every time the door opened.

They let you sit there for three weeks?

Well, I kept ordering iced tea.

I'd still be there if one of my kidneys hadn't shut down.

And after my surgery

I vowed never to need you or anyone else ever again.

I have everything I need to get by,

and it's better this way, Duckman.

Can't you see I'm much better off on my own?

I'm happier like this...

a lot happier than I ever would've been with you.

(crying)

Angela...

don't you know how hard it was for me to let you go?

I just...

I didn't want you to ever settle for less,

to settle for me.

But the truth is, not a day has gone by

that I haven't thought about you, dreamt about you.

I love you, Angela.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

I know you and I don't have a chance.

You're so beautiful and I'm so... not.

Well...

Well...

Oh, my goodness, I'm late!

D-D-Do you have to go?

I'll be back at 6:00.

Will you wait for me?

Hmm.

What the...?

Why'd all that color come off her dress?

And why is she two hours late?

Oh, well, I guess I'll do what I always do

when I think too much.

(remote clicks)

We now bring you this important message.

You're doomed, Duckman.

That sounds like...

King Chicken?

Maybe because it is.

Meet me at the top of the Beautex Trade Center,

the world's tallest

and more important, most rapidly-built building

if you ever want to see Angela and your family again!

Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok.

I now return you to the end of the world

already in progress.

What the hell's going on?

(whimpering)

I hope you'll all be comfortable.

I'd hate for your last moments on earth

to be marred by chaffing.

You're really someone named King Chicken?

And all this time, you were just using me

as part of some horrible plot to get at Duckman?

That, and you made a darn good cup of coffee.

As for my aptly-named "hideous plot,"

Beautex, is really a deadly virus--

one that eats away at matter, causing it to devolve

through its various stages of development

until it loses all form and reality,

vanishing into nowhere.

Oh, it'll be a pleasure to watch you all die.

Excuse me, Mr. Chicken?

Allow me to handle this, maggots.

Look, your broil highness, we're from Weird Science.

Like most of this country

we don't waste good babe-snaring time

watching your pitiful little show.

What this total stranger, who is certainly not my brother

is trying to ask is: Why are you killing us?

USA asked me to.

They don't want one show doing anything without the other.

So, I'll just kill all of you

and they'll rerun Silk Stalkings.

Demographically sound, from a programming standpoint.

Psst. Psst.

No. Ajax.

Since I've never seen

this pathetic little daisy parade of yours

what have you got to save us, some kind of superpower?

I can put coins in my nose and snort out exact change.

Yeah, but this Duckman--

what kind of superpowers does he have?

Well, when he panics, he can scream just like a little girl.

(shrieking)

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

(screams)

(screams)

(gasps)

(screaming)

(evil laughter)

King Chicken!

Even you have to get out of here.

This building is...

Devolving?

Relax, kookie, this side of the building

has been treated with anti-Beautex.

Somehow, some way

I've got to stop this horrible mass destruction,

this apocalyptic nightmare, this--

Hey, the three guys from Weird Science.

I never miss your show.

I just wish it wasn't so darn complicated, you know?

Who can follow those convoluted, twisty story lines?

We're dead meat.

And now, I suppose you all want to know why I did this.

Okay. I'll tell you.

The reason is...

We interrupt to bring you a special news bulletin.

Tim Curry, the celebrated stage and screen actor

has been reported missing by the Los Angeles police.

A note left at the recording session

for tonight's episode of the heavily praised

yet seldom watched Duckman series

simply said, "I'm going somewhere

"where they'll never again make me do the speech

"about how Duckman isolated me as a child

so now I'm going to isolate him. Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok."

Now, back to the program.

...going to isolate him. Mwa-ha-ha. Bok, bok, bok.

Oh, God.

So why didn't Beautex work on me?

You took the antidote.

Remember when I was disguised as your children's nanny?

I made potatoes for you and they contained this--

anti-Beautex.

Hey, you got to think ahead in this business.

By the way

here's an amulet I'd like you to wear.

Wow, thanks.

No prob.

Duckman!

(groaning)

Duckman, save us.

He can't save you.

It's over.

You're a victim of your own obsession

just like the rest-- a fading testament

to the shallow idiocy

of worshiping beauty above all else!

Look, it's Whitney Houston!

Oh, she's so hot!

Us first!

We get higher ratings!

Only because you got the desirable time slot

and our audiences are incompatible!

We're gonna die, man!

There's some freaky stuff happening here,

and we're all going to die!

(screaming)

Oh, well. Let their producers worry about it.

(gasping)

No! No!

(yells)

KING CHICKEN: No!

My horoscope said this was a bad day to destroy the world.

(screaming)

We still have to do something.

The city is almost gone.

I just found this crate full of scrumpt-dilly-icious dry ice

in the kitchenette.

Dry ice! That's it-- I have an idea!

Angela, pour the anti-Beautex on it.

Now what?

That.

(cheering)

(cheering)

But it just goes to show you, kids.

Pay attention in school.

Somewhere, in all that babbling your teachers do,

you'll learn one thing that you can one day bring back

and use in an appropriate itme.

As for King Chicken, I hate to think of the horrible effect

all that concentrated Beautex could have on someone,

the gross deformities it could cause.

I'll get you for this, Duckman.

One way or another, I'll outsmart you.

(chuckles) Impossible!

Oh, wait a minute.

Almost forgot my new amulet.

Duckman, I'm so proud of you.

Angela, I was afraid I lost you forever.

Before anything else happens, before I lose you again

there's something I need to say

something I've wanted to say for so long.

Angela, will you marry me?

No.

Huh?

You know the Beautex slogan--

"Because in this world you come first"?

The more I think about that slogan

the less I like the person who thought of it

and the sad thing is, it was me.

So I've decided to travel the country,

reach out to troubled kids, clean up playgrounds

just try to do something

to bring the right kind of beauty

to some places that haven't seen it for a long time.

I'm sorry.

I hope you understand

and I'll be back.

Let's go home, everyone.

So, since she didn't say "yes"

while she's gone, I can date, right?

What? I won't really like them or anything.

It would just be a sexual thing.

What if I pay?!