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1
00:00:07,734 --> 00:00:10,767
(quacks)
2
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:12,767
(thunder crashing)
3
00:00:19,601 --> 00:00:21,300
(mewing)
4
00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:23,467
(thunder crashing)
5
00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:25,501
(yowling)
6
00:00:30,834 --> 00:00:32,501
(glass breaking)
7
00:00:38,367 --> 00:00:40,300
(thunder crashing)
8
00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:05,667
Yes, my son?
9
00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:06,901
Bless me, Father.
10
00:01:06,968 --> 00:01:08,234
Did you sneeze?
11
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,400
No, I sinned.
12
00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:11,701
Oh, did you lie?
No.
13
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,100
Curse?
No.
14
00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:14,067
Steal?
No.
15
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:15,400
Covet your
neighbor's wife?
16
00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:16,567
No.
17
00:01:16,634 --> 00:01:18,100
Come now, you
can tell me.
18
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:21,367
Did you throw her up against
the backyard barbecue
19
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:23,234
and procreate
your brains out
20
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,534
till she yelled
yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay?
21
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:27,534
No, Father,
I've done something worse.
22
00:01:27,601 --> 00:01:29,133
I've betrayed my partner.
23
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,634
(gasping)
24
00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:32,801
I know, it's the most terrible
sin of all, isn't it?
25
00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:34,801
No. I spilled
my espresso.
26
00:01:34,868 --> 00:01:36,934
But you still have
eight minutes.
27
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,434
I might as well hear
this sin of yours.
28
00:01:39,501 --> 00:01:40,934
Thank you, Father.
29
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,667
(thunder crashing)
It was a dark and stormy Monday,
30
00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:44,234
just like any other Monday
31
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:46,734
except for the sunny ones,or the partly cloudy ones,
32
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,434
or the oneswith a cold inversion layer
33
00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:50,868
and a 30% chanceof precipitation.
34
00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:53,667
Things around the officewere a little slow.
35
00:01:53,734 --> 00:01:55,367
My partner, Duckman, and Ihadn't had a real case
36
00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:58,000
since the Catholic schoolgirldisembowelings of '91.
37
00:01:58,067 --> 00:02:00,234
And even then,the schoolgirl got away.
38
00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,400
(ringing)
39
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:05,734
That black thing on my desk
is going to explode!
40
00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,467
Duckman Detective Agency.
41
00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:09,501
He's crazy!
He's talking to it!
42
00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:11,067
Wait. That's the phone.
43
00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:13,767
This could actually be someone
calling with a case.
44
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,133
Tide.
45
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,067
Cold water, because
it gets my whites whiter.
46
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,934
And then, she walked in
47
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,267
and I knew our liveswere about to change forever.
48
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:28,200
She was the most beautiful dameI'd ever seen.
49
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,868
And I never say dame, exceptwhen creatively obligated
50
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:34,200
by a film noir parody.
51
00:02:34,267 --> 00:02:35,901
(goofy laughter)
52
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,534
Can somebody cigarette me?
53
00:02:46,801 --> 00:02:48,734
(inhales deeply)
54
00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:53,834
I could tell she was troublewith a capital "T."
55
00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,501
I was ready with a capital "R."
56
00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:59,067
Duckman was reduced to a puddlewith a very large pee.
57
00:02:59,133 --> 00:03:00,501
Thanks,Ducky.
58
00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:03,200
You look like someone
who can handle himself in bed.
59
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,834
Yeah.
60
00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:06,534
And no doubt often does.
61
00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,267
My name's Tamara.
62
00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:10,000
Tamara le Boinque.
63
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:11,534
From the momentshe opened her mouth,
64
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,901
I wanted to sublet her tongue,moved into her larynx
65
00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:15,968
and redo the upper incisorsin mauve.
66
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:18,567
Well, not exactly mauve,but mauve-ish.
67
00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:19,901
I need your help.
68
00:03:19,968 --> 00:03:21,601
Someone's trying to tuck me in
with a shovel.
69
00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:24,267
Punch my ticket.
70
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:26,868
Kill me.
71
00:03:26,934 --> 00:03:28,300
Ya-ha! Sure.
72
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:29,701
Actually,
I knew that.
Kill you.
73
00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:31,767
All right.
Yeah, fine.
Absolutely. Sure.
74
00:03:37,334 --> 00:03:39,801
Someone ran me off
the road last night.
75
00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:42,467
Then tried to break
into my penthouse today
76
00:03:42,534 --> 00:03:43,934
and crash my party of one
in the bathtub.
77
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,133
I barely had time to throw on
this trench coat
78
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,601
and climb down the fire escape.
79
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:49,167
Wait a minute!
You're naked under there?
80
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:51,734
First my neighbor dies
before I paid back that 20.
81
00:03:51,801 --> 00:03:53,200
Now this.
82
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,667
I went to the local constabulary
and they didn't believe me,
83
00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:57,701
but something
told me you would.
84
00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:00,267
Yeah, well, this is one time
you're gonna have to prove it.
85
00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:01,367
Prove what?
86
00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:02,701
That you're naked.
87
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:04,200
Women come here all the time
saying they're naked
88
00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:05,934
when they're really wearing
skin-colored body stockings.
89
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,567
Show us you're not,
we take the case.
90
00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:10,601
Sort of a tit-for-tat,
tat-for-tit kind of thing.
91
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,734
Listen, handsome.
92
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,501
If you've got the itch,
I've got the scratch.
93
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:17,868
Here's a hundred
94
00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:19,567
and there's more
where that came from.
95
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,234
There is?
Could I get it?
96
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,334
I know what you're thinking
but I won't use my hands.
97
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,834
Just my bill.
Might take five, ten minutes,
98
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:27,300
but I'll sniff it out.
99
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,300
What Duckman's
trying to say is
100
00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:30,667
we'll take your case.
101
00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:32,133
Of course,
we'll take your body...
102
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,334
fondle your case...
case your casabas...
103
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,400
take... take your case.
104
00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:38,467
Remember at DDA, our motto is,
we want to see you
105
00:04:38,534 --> 00:04:40,400
greased up and semi-conscious.
106
00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:42,834
Happy. We just want
to see you happy.
107
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:43,901
We changed the motto?
108
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:45,901
Miss Le Boinque,
is there anyone you suspect?
109
00:04:45,968 --> 00:04:48,601
Well, Nick at the club, where
I perform, said he'd kill me
110
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,167
'cause I had sex
with Frankie the bartender,
111
00:04:50,234 --> 00:04:52,868
who said he'd kill me 'cause
I had sex with Bob the doorman,
112
00:04:52,934 --> 00:04:54,868
who said he'd kill me 'cause
I had sex with Ray the bouncer,
113
00:04:54,934 --> 00:04:56,200
who said he'd kill me
114
00:04:56,267 --> 00:04:57,734
'cause I had sex with Lahos
the busboy, who said...
115
00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:59,200
CORNFED:
So she'd been around the pool
116
00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:01,100
more times than Esther Williamson steroids.
117
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,534
There was something about her
118
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:05,501
that made me want to geta membership at her "Y."
119
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:08,167
It felt good to have a real,live client again,
120
00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:10,033
not just the practice kindbuilt out of Legos.
121
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:13,367
We decided to go tothe speakeasy where she worked.
122
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:18,934
("As Time Goes By" playing)
123
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:26,167
Hey, you.
124
00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,267
I didn't do it.
125
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:28,767
It wasn't me.
126
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:31,033
I didn't strangle the German
for the letters of transit.
127
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,033
I didn't stab the albino
128
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,133
and hide the knife
in the hooker's G-string.
129
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,200
I'm innocent. Innocent!
130
00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:38,467
Save it for the late show,
creep-ola.
131
00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:40,467
I was just looking
for the men's can.
132
00:05:40,534 --> 00:05:43,467
Duckman, maybe we should ask him
some questions about Tamara.
133
00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:45,234
Tamara.
134
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,133
That woman makes me crazy.
135
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,367
And when I find her,
136
00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:51,234
I'm going to chop her
into little pieces.
137
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,234
Then throw her into a stew
138
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,734
and feed her
to a pack of rabid dogs.
139
00:05:55,801 --> 00:05:57,434
(laughing)
140
00:05:57,501 --> 00:06:01,601
But you're probably talking
about a different Tamara.
141
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,534
See? Nothing. I say we head
over to the corner table.
142
00:06:03,601 --> 00:06:06,601
Tubby guys sitting under fans
always know what's what.
143
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,300
Excuse me.
The name's Duckman.
144
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,734
A duck yet a man.
145
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,067
Gad, sir, you are amazing.
146
00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:12,901
Right, well, I got a couple
of questions...
147
00:06:12,968 --> 00:06:14,534
An inquisitive sort.
Excellent, sir.
148
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,534
A trait truly to be admired.
149
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:17,567
Look, I'm a detective...
150
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:18,901
Detective. Fascinating.
One never knows
151
00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:21,234
what you're going
to say next, sir.
152
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,133
Maybe 'cause
you don't let me say it!
153
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,467
I want to know if you
know anything about...
154
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,033
Know anything. Huh.
Know anything.
155
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,601
By Jove, sir,
you are a character.
156
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,133
(laughing)
157
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,534
But I must be off.
158
00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:33,534
I'm past due for my return trip
to the salad bar.
159
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:34,701
(laughing)
160
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:36,367
Salad bar.
161
00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:38,367
(laughing)
162
00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:41,367
Might want to munch on
a little more scenery
163
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:42,834
while you're at it!
164
00:06:42,901 --> 00:06:44,267
Supporting players.
165
00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:46,033
ANNOUNCER:
ladies and gentlemen,
166
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,567
(drumroll)
Drooligans is proud to presents
167
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:51,267
the sultry stylings of that
sleep-around slut of a singer--
168
00:06:51,334 --> 00:06:55,033
who I'll kill if she has sex
with George the valet again--
169
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,634
Miss Tamara le Boinque.
170
00:06:56,701 --> 00:06:58,601
Your buckets, gentlemen.
171
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:01,200
Bucket? What the hell
do we need buckets for?
172
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,968
(hooting)
173
00:07:04,033 --> 00:07:06,000
Wa, hoo, hoo,
ha, hoo, hoo.
174
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:08,200
Waa, ooh.
175
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,934
Hello, boys.
176
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,701
Are you...
177
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:13,968
ready?
178
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,534
(cheering)
179
00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,334
(drumroll)
180
00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:26,968
* I'm a little teapot,
short and stout *
181
00:07:27,033 --> 00:07:29,634
* Here is my handle,
here is my spout *
182
00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:32,701
* When I get all steamed up,
watch me shout *
183
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:35,300
* Tip me over and pour me out. *
184
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,367
Of all the drool joints
in all the world,
185
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,567
she has to bring her act
into this one.
186
00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:47,400
Pardon me.
Do you know Miss le Boinque?
187
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,667
Who's asking?
188
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,367
And by that I mean,
what's your name?
189
00:07:50,434 --> 00:07:51,767
Why do you want to know?
190
00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,033
Stuff like that, 'cause I
know it was you who asked.
191
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,567
The name's Duckman.
Where were you at 4:00
192
00:07:56,634 --> 00:07:58,133
this afternoon?!
Throwing a rock
through a window.
193
00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,367
Did it have a note
attached to it?
194
00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:00,534
All my rocks do.
195
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,534
And could this be
one of your rocks?
196
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:05,033
It is one of my rocks,
but it just so happens
197
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:07,033
that my house was broken into
last night
198
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:09,601
and that rock was the only thing
taken out of my safe.
199
00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:10,634
Uh-huh.
200
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:12,834
All right, the rock story
seems air tight,
201
00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:13,934
but one thing bothers me.
202
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,000
He's the third
suspicious character
203
00:08:15,067 --> 00:08:16,000
we've talked to.
204
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:17,033
The third one's
always guilty.
205
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,367
What the...?
206
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:22,167
(gunfire and screaming)
207
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:26,901
So much for the rule of threes.
208
00:08:26,968 --> 00:08:28,567
It wasn't pretty.
209
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,033
The whole club had been shot up
210
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,734
and everyone was coveredin drool.
211
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:32,701
And that's not all.
212
00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:35,334
Tamara was in Duckman's arms.
213
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,400
Well, all the really good partswere in his hands.
214
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:39,767
I knew then that Duckman
had fallen for her.
215
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,801
The problem is, I had a secret,
a terrible secret.
216
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:44,200
I loved Tamara, too.
217
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:46,067
And I could tell
by the way she giggled
218
00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:47,868
when we were hiding from Duckman
in the closet
219
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:49,801
and I showed her that little
trick I do with my tail
220
00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:50,801
that she loved me back.
221
00:08:50,868 --> 00:08:52,534
That's why I'm here, Father.
222
00:08:52,601 --> 00:08:55,067
I've betrayed my partner
and I don't know what to do.
223
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:57,400
Please, tell me what to do.
224
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,100
I think maybe...
a diamond ring.
225
00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:01,901
By golly, you're right.
226
00:09:01,968 --> 00:09:03,901
Even though he's my partner,
I've got to follow my heart.
227
00:09:03,968 --> 00:09:05,167
Thank you, Father.
228
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:06,634
I could have never made
this decision
229
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:08,300
if you hadn't listened to me
and cared.
230
00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:11,534
Shopping channel?
231
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:13,834
If I buy
the three-carat zirconia
232
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,701
do I get the free place mats?
233
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,701
Corny!
234
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:36,300
What are you
doing here?
235
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,334
Uh... I'm on the case,
of course.
236
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,000
In order to properly
understand a client,
237
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:42,067
it's important
to step inside her life.
238
00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:44,467
Tamara seems like someone
who likes to lie on her sofa
239
00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:45,968
in a man's robe,
smoking a pipe
240
00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:47,467
while admiring
her own jewelry
241
00:09:47,534 --> 00:09:48,767
and setting her carpet
on fire.
242
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:52,868
Never mind all that.
What are you doing here?
243
00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:53,934
Where's Tamara?
244
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,067
My house.
245
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,801
She wanted me
to stay in her bed tonight
246
00:09:56,868 --> 00:09:58,901
in case the killer tried
getting to her while she slept.
247
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,734
I see.
248
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:02,934
Yawn.
249
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,200
Well, I'm a little sleepy.
250
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:06,400
I'll just leave you
to your decoying
251
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:07,434
and head home.
252
00:10:07,501 --> 00:10:09,067
By the by,
I wonder if it's faster
253
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:11,033
going by way of your house.
254
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,033
(bangs)
255
00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:13,234
(yells)
256
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:15,267
Corny, maybe you
should stay, too.
257
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:18,367
Not that I'm nervous or scared
or soiling myself.
258
00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:21,234
I just thought maybe you'd like
a chance to do this with me.
259
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,400
Be a murder victim?
260
00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:23,534
Ooh. Pinch me.
261
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:25,033
It would be like old times.
262
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,334
We can go swimming,
hiking and horseback riding.
263
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,601
We've never done any of that.
264
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:31,367
I know, I'm reading it
off the tampon box behind you.
265
00:10:31,434 --> 00:10:33,934
Okay, okay. I should know better
than to try to lie to you.
266
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,033
I am scared.
267
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,567
And there's no one in the world
268
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:40,267
I'd rather be with
when I'm scared than you.
269
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:55,901
(grunting)
270
00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:02,200
(Duckman clears throat)
271
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:03,200
What?
272
00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:04,667
You're, uh, on my side.
273
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:06,334
Since when is this
your side?
274
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,400
Well, it is at home.
275
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,434
Then go home.
276
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,334
Please.
277
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,667
You can have
this nice, soft pillow.
278
00:11:11,734 --> 00:11:13,000
(pleadingly):
Please? Please...?
279
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,501
Good night, Duckman.
280
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,033
Corny...
281
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,067
What is it?
282
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,434
I can't sleep
with a hard pillow.
283
00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:41,901
Good night, Duckman.
284
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:42,901
Corny?
285
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,267
Yes?
286
00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:48,267
I was just thinking about how
lucky I am finding Tamara.
287
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:50,501
I never thought anything like
this would ever happen to me.
288
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:51,934
You know, in high school,
I was voted
289
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,901
most likely never to have
an attractive woman speak to me.
290
00:11:53,968 --> 00:11:56,234
Also most likely to be indicted,
most likely to wear vinyl
291
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,400
and most likely to end up
on a street corner
292
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,868
wallowing in his own sputum.
293
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:03,000
Wha...?
Then don't leave your
yearbook lying around.
294
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:04,834
I'm going to marry her, Corny.
295
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,634
(thunder crashing)
296
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:09,234
And when I do, I want you
right there next to me,
297
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,667
sharing my special day
as my best man.
298
00:12:11,734 --> 00:12:12,868
I love ya, Corny.
299
00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:14,300
You're the best friend
anyone ever had.
300
00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:45,968
(squealing)
301
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:50,634
Ooh...
302
00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:55,300
(moaning)
303
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:56,501
Pant, pant.
304
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,200
Gasp, gasp.
305
00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:00,767
(moaning)
306
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:05,033
(kissing sounds)
307
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,734
DUCKMAN:
Hey, Corny!
308
00:13:11,801 --> 00:13:15,200
You're my best friend.
309
00:13:18,968 --> 00:13:21,133
(snoring)
310
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,968
(alarm ringing)
311
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,467
Wow. What an
amazing dream.
312
00:13:32,534 --> 00:13:34,667
Tamara and I were making out,
giggling and kissing
313
00:13:34,734 --> 00:13:36,968
like a couple of high school
kids at lovers' lane.
314
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,434
But I can't remember
how it ended.
315
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:42,267
Did you have that before?
316
00:13:42,334 --> 00:13:43,267
No.
317
00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:44,601
Why didn't
you wake me?!
318
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:45,734
I thought you were awake.
319
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:47,033
(spitting)
320
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,267
I suppose this means
our weekend in Maui's off.
321
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,901
Yikes! That could've killed us.
322
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,634
It would've killed
Tamara for sure.
323
00:13:57,701 --> 00:13:59,033
She sleeps diagonally
324
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,067
with her feet down here
and her head over he...
325
00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:02,734
We'd better
turn off the power
326
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,234
or that lose wiring
will start a fire.
327
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,968
The fuse box is
in that closet
328
00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:07,167
right behind
her collection
329
00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:09,067
of Lithuanian
pleasure device...
330
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,701
Power off. Let's go.
331
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:15,067
Hey, how did you know
332
00:14:15,133 --> 00:14:17,567
that door was a pull
instead of a push?
333
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,934
(thunder crashing)
334
00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:24,667
This is going to be
the hardest thing
335
00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:26,701
I've ever had
to tell you, Duckman.
336
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,667
I've spent the
night here before.
337
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:31,601
I'm in love with Tamara
and she's in love with me.
338
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:32,601
What?
339
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:33,801
There's no way.
340
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:35,434
She's in love with me!
341
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,834
No.
342
00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:39,400
No!
343
00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:46,367
You can forget about
being our best man!
344
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,100
Ow.
345
00:14:56,934 --> 00:14:59,067
I couldn't get Tamaraout of my mind.
346
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,234
Who was trying to kill her?
347
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,767
Why did every cluelead nowhere?
348
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,467
I couldn't get Tamaraout of my mind.
349
00:15:03,534 --> 00:15:04,767
Who was trying to kill her?
350
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,501
Could they maybekill Cornfed instead?
351
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:08,534
Everywhere I looked,I heard her voice.
352
00:15:08,601 --> 00:15:10,367
Everywhere I turned,I felt her touch.
353
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,534
Why does love taste so bitterto a liar's tongue?
354
00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:14,934
Why does hate hurtwhat hardened hope heals?
355
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,801
How much woodcould a woodchuck chuck
356
00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:18,567
if a woodchuckcould chuck wood?
357
00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,901
And why is he sharpeningso many pencils?
358
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:22,133
What if we needto write something?
359
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,834
Steve Allendoesn't write that much.
360
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:24,434
Pudding head.
361
00:15:24,501 --> 00:15:25,200
Turkey goop.
362
00:15:25,267 --> 00:15:25,901
Toe-jam.
363
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:27,067
Simpsons wanna-be.
364
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:29,534
That's it!
365
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:30,868
Take that, porky.
366
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:32,100
No. You.
367
00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:33,434
You little pork...
368
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:34,868
Why, I ought to...
369
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:39,167
Wow. It sure
is dark in here.
370
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:42,767
Yes. The interplay
between light and shadow
371
00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:46,334
is reminiscent
of the German expressionist
372
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,133
school of filmmaking.
373
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,701
I keep forgetting.
374
00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:52,000
You never went to college.
375
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:53,934
Mr. Duckman,
Mr. Cornfed,
376
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,100
I hate to interrupt
your wacky hijinks,
377
00:15:57,167 --> 00:16:00,400
but Tamara le Boinque
is on the phone.
378
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:01,968
BOTH:
Who'd she ask for?
379
00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:03,901
Cornfed.
Duckman.
380
00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:05,868
Duckman.
Cornfed.
381
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,234
Okay, okay.
382
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,300
It was Mr. Duckman.
383
00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:13,133
Whoo-hoo!
384
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,767
Excuse me, my porcine pal.
385
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:19,868
I've got to go a-meet
my girl a-friend.
386
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,200
And don't worry.
387
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:23,100
It's not my style to gloat.
388
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,734
* Niener, niener,
niener, niener *
389
00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,200
* I'm the stud
and you're the wiener. *
390
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:31,667
Well, I'm sure
you and Tamara
391
00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:34,234
can still be friends.
392
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,601
(yelp)
393
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,934
Whoo. College.
394
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,667
I'm so impressed.
395
00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:46,033
Got to kill Duckman.
396
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,968
Take him out of the picture.
397
00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:50,367
Set up Fluffy and Uranus.
398
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:53,968
Those patsies
can take the fall, yeah.
399
00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:57,868
Then Tamara
will be mine, mine, all mine.
400
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,801
(evil laughter)
401
00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:17,901
DUCKMAN:
I'm so excited.
402
00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:20,200
Just you and me,
the future ahead of us.
403
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:21,400
Do you like kids?
404
00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:23,367
I know do. In fact, I always
wanted a few of my own.
405
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:25,868
Hmm.
Anyway, where we going?
406
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:27,033
My grandfather's house.
407
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,901
They do weddings there?
408
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:32,567
Grampsy and I have a...
well, special relationship.
409
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:35,033
If something terrible
is going to happen to me,
410
00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,400
I want to spend a little time
with him before I die.
411
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:39,067
Hey, don't talk like that.
412
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,734
Well, someone is
trying to kill me.
413
00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:42,534
No, I mean don't use words
like "Grampsy."
414
00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:43,567
It gives me the creeps.
415
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,434
I've always called him Grampsy.
416
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:47,701
I love him dearly,
like I love you.
417
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,934
Well, in that case, you
call him anything you want,
418
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,100
my wittle snookum-bookums...
419
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,234
Wait. You're right.
420
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,167
Let's not talk
like that anymore.
421
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,234
I can't wait to meet
my future grandfather-in-law.
422
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,133
And I'll do anything it takes
to make him like me...
423
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,267
except sponge him down.
424
00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:04,634
There's something
about their skin...
425
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,934
No, no, you only have
to do one thing--
426
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,267
make him laugh.
427
00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:11,133
You see, he's been
a little down lately
428
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,767
and, well, when Grampsy's happy,
that makes me happy.
429
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:15,334
And if I'm happy,
430
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:21,801
you're going to be very,
very, very happy.
431
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,300
We're on!
432
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,601
Fake dog doo?
433
00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:28,334
They make fake dog doo?
434
00:18:47,901 --> 00:18:52,634
(wheezing laughter)
435
00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:55,667
And he says, "Good thing
I held my breath
436
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:58,200
or I would have
drowned in there."
437
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:01,033
(Grampsy laughing hysterically)
438
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:03,300
Ah, thank you, thank you.
439
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:05,267
No, you're marvelous, really.
440
00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:06,934
Now, on a more tasteful note,
441
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,300
a blind proctologist walks
into a pie-eating contest.
442
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:11,534
(wheezing laughter)
443
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:12,701
Duckman, you're killing him.
444
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,033
And how.
445
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,567
No, if he laughs too hard,
his heart will give out.
446
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:18,767
Tamara wants you
to kill him.
447
00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:20,601
Because the truth is,
that's not her grandfather.
448
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:23,567
It's her husband.
449
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:27,434
Her real name isn't
even Tamara le Boinque.
450
00:19:27,501 --> 00:19:30,534
It's actually Tamara le Binque.
451
00:19:31,601 --> 00:19:32,701
All this time,
452
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,434
she's been impersonating
her younger sister
453
00:19:34,501 --> 00:19:35,934
after she killed
her last husband,
454
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,167
a thin man, for the double
indemnity insurance
455
00:19:38,234 --> 00:19:39,801
she used to bribe
city officials
456
00:19:39,868 --> 00:19:41,300
to get the water
rights to Chinatown
457
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,300
so she could finance
458
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:43,567
her search
for the Maltese falcon.
459
00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,901
Lies! All lies!
460
00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:47,567
And he's my grandfather,
I tell you!
461
00:19:47,634 --> 00:19:48,901
He's my husband.
462
00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:50,334
My grandfather.
463
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,667
My husband.
464
00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:53,033
My grandfather.
465
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,634
All right!
I'll tell the truth!
466
00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:56,100
He's my husband!
467
00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:58,434
Sorry. We were
in a groove.
468
00:19:58,501 --> 00:19:59,501
Go on.
469
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,467
I needed Duckman
to make him laugh.
470
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,934
His spastic humor was
the kind of low-brow crap
471
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:04,968
Emil actually liked.
472
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:07,834
Excuse me.
473
00:20:07,901 --> 00:20:10,934
I've got something in my eye.
474
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,400
Real nice.
475
00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:18,567
Look, Cornfed, it's you
I wanted all along.
476
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,601
I'm still rich
from the last guy's insurance.
477
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,367
Let's run away to a place
you've always wanted to go
478
00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:24,534
with someone you love...
479
00:20:24,601 --> 00:20:25,667
a secret place
you've dreamt about
480
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:27,467
but never spoken of
to a living soul.
481
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,033
Sorry, angel.
482
00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,067
Maybe I do love you,
but he's my partner.
483
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,567
And when a man's
partner is hurt,
484
00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,033
you're supposed to do
something about it.
485
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:39,634
You're going up the river.
486
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,000
When you get out
of Tehachapi
487
00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:45,334
give me a call.
488
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:48,634
Or sooner.
489
00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:50,934
Here's my home, office,
car, fax, beeper.
490
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,133
That's my private line
491
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,634
and my mother's number
is on the back.
492
00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:55,000
I go there every Sunday.
493
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:05,400
Could you kind officers
loosen these?
494
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,000
I just hate handcuffs...
495
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:10,000
when I'm not in bed,
that is.
496
00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:19,434
Zirconium?
497
00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:20,767
Shaved ice.
498
00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:22,167
It used to be bigger.
499
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:25,167
I'm sorry, Duckman.
Just thought you should know.
500
00:21:25,234 --> 00:21:26,534
Before the police
took her away,
501
00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:29,234
she said she actually
did love you.
502
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,834
You mean it?
503
00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:36,100
Thanks, Corny,
for trying.
504
00:21:37,567 --> 00:21:38,501
What's this?
505
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:43,601
The stuff that dreams
are made of, Duckman.
506
00:21:43,667 --> 00:21:45,968
The stuff that
dreams are made of.
36230
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