Original subtitles

(quacks)

(sizzling)

(gasping): Duckman...

I beg you...

open windows...

No. Aerodynamics...

bad mileage...

What about the boys?

They're having a ball.

Right, guys?

Oh, yeah.

Where to next week?

The sun?

How's Ajax?

Glassy-eyed, slack-jawed, drooling...

Good...

Ajax... normal.

(gasps)

Water!!

(tires squealing)

(noisy slurping)

(all burping)

No time for bathrooms.

We'll sweat it out in the car.

Listen, shvitz for brains.

We've been driving for hours.

Before we all became too delirious

from the heat to question you about it,

you said we were going for ice cream.

We are, and I just need to make

a teensy, little stop along the way.

Let met guess-- you heard about a jumbo jet crash

and we're all going out to lie down in the wreckage

so we can get a piece of the settlement money.

I still say we'd be rich today if you hadn't flinched

when the doctor was checking for paralysis with that pin.

Anyway, this one's really gonna be great. Ready?

I got a flier in the mail that says

I can get a free clock radio-- free--

All I have to do is drive across five states

and hear a week-long sales pitch

for time-share condos in Gleen Bay.

The town's called Green Bay.

No, it's actually Gleen Bay.

"A secret city built beneath Green Bay in the 1800s

by Chinese railroad workers."

They say, you can still hear the screams.

Dad, why would you want to buy a condo

in a haunted, subterranean ruin?

Oh, if women were only as gullible as children,

how much more fun dating would be.

Charles, the condo wouldn't be for me.

It'd be an investment.

Gee, and for a minute, I thought you were a total imbecile.

Bernice, I am sick and tired of you treating me

like some dim bulb melon-head

who's always on the verge of his next screw-up.

All right, who had "destroys car"

in the next Duckman screw-up pool?

I had "buys Lincoln Memorial."

"Loses house in pyramid scam."

"Herpes."

(siren blaring)

(hillbilly accent): You folks lost?

(baby talking): Ooh, no, Officer.

We had the itsy bit of car twouble,

and, well, if you could dwive us to town in your big, shiny car,

it would sure be a big help-aly, welp-aly

to little willy me.

You folks lost?

Bernice, let me handle this.

I speak yokel.

Uh, Deputy, sir, we sho nuff gots us

a plumb dilly of a predicament here,

and we needs your help to keep us a-movin' on.

You folks lost?

(snoring)

(speaking gibberish)

You get the sense the gene pool around here

could use a little more chlorine?

Now, now don't be snobs.

This is the heartland,

the soul of our country,

the moral center of our national identity.

(slurring): Does this look infected?

Let's blow this hellhole!

All right. I'll go with Johnny One Note,

see the sheriff about getting our car fixed.

Why don't you see if there's any place to eat here

where the menu doesn't have the word "lips."

MAN: I come home from a hard shift at the manure plant

and find you sitting in front of the damn TV!

WOMAN: Sis told me,

"Don't marry our brother.

He's crazy."

MAN: Shut your pothole!

I'm gonna have a drink with Jim-Bob, Bob-Bob and Cal.

Erlene, you almost made me hit

a two-headed kid, you cow.

What's this?

Nielsen box-- whole trailer park's got 'em.

(honky-tonk music playing)

DUCKMAN: Fun, fun.

I haven't seen a crowd this hostile

since the Jackson Family Honors.

(snorting and blowing)

What'll it be?

(refined accent): Tampico and soda

with vodka ice cubes,

a float and a saucer of Scotch and Pepto-Bismol.

A Duckman Depth Charge!

How'd you...?

King Chicken!

Accept no substitute.

Well, take my advice, K.C.,

you and your Sunshine Band had better shake your booties.

I'm meeting the sheriff here,

and as soon as I give him the skinny on you,

your fat's in the fryer.

He'll make chicken soup out of your matzo balls.

You're gonna be up to your neck in biscuits and coleslaw.

You... Anyone else hungry?

Anyway, Chicken Man, you're going straight to jail.

(laughter)

What, is... something hanging out of my bill?

Hey, nice coat,

but you got a little something stuck on your shirt.

Ki-ya! You are such a mallard-headed nitwit.

I'm the sheriff here.

It's my hometown.

Everyone in Coopville is related--

sometimes in two or three ways.

So, everyone is my kin, which is why

I'm also mayor, justice of the peace, D.A.,

notary public and the sole owner

of the only frozen yogurt place in town.

Are mix-ins extra?

(sarcastic laughter)

Oh, I never get tired of your... wit.

All right, King Chicken,

you've got me, but let my family go.

I don't want you.

Even better. Well, take whichever one of them you want,

but let me and the rest go.

I'm not going to hurt anyone, Duckman.

In fact, I've already had your car repaired

and would be honored if you would allow me

to buy you a drink before I send you on your way.

What?! Why would you let me go?!

So that one day, when you least expect it,

I will trap you in an elaborately woven web

of diabolical deceit, craven cruelty

and evil so terrible that it will turn your life

into an unending, torturous hell on Earth

where you'll be too frightened to die

and too damned to scream!

Well, in that case, let's have that drink.

Here, have one of mine.

(loud gulping)

(raspy-voiced): Smooth.

Sheriff, we found her snooping around the park bench.

It's called sitting, you podunk pinhead,

and if you don't let go,

I'm going to plant my foot so deep in your keister,

they'll start calling you Nike-breath!

(silkily): Why, King Chicken, Evil Genius.

How nice to see you again.

And how nice to be seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... if Creature Feature is over,

what say we make like a ske and daddle.

Before you go, may I propose a toast?

Well, why not? Here's one of my favorites:

"An Indian stick is called a totem,

but underneath is a big, swinging..."

I have my own, thanks.

"To Duckman, wherever he may travel,

"may he always know the answer to that most sacred question:

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

The egg. (all gasp)

Uh, chicken?

Good citizens of Coopville,

there is serious work to do.

This heretic, this devil,

this Duckman wants to subvert our way of life,

fill our wholesome community

with his big-city disease and corruption.

Will we let him?

ALL: No!

I promise you this:

I will act on your behalf,

always obeying the will of that greatest power on Earth,

that most potent example of democracy in action,

an unruly mob!

(cheering and gunshots)

I'm going to get out of here, you lousy screw!

They ain't built a joint that can hold me.

You hear me, screw?! I'm getting out!

Hey! My little sister made this cup in metal shop.

She was so proud of it.

Now it's all bent and stuff.

Sorry.

Sure, you're mad at being hanged and all,

but you didn't have to take it out on this cup.

I said I was sorry.

Well, don't hurt nothing else.

Okay!

Like that stool-- my brother made that,

and that pillow-- my sister-in-law sewed it,

and that bucket...

I said okay!

You got a visitor.

Just be thankful, you're not a cup.

Corny! Am I glad you're here.

They stuck me in jail just because

I said that the egg came before the chicken.

(grunts) They disagree.

It's heresy in this town to challenge

their theory of Chicken Creationism--

the deeply held belief

that the chicken came before the egg.

It's the same kind of mindless,

intellectually bankrupt belief system

once found in the druids or the Reagan Administration.

Did you talk to my lawyer/urologist

Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?

Yes, but he didn't talk back.

He's dead-- a rare case of peacetime fragging.

Damn Coast Guard Reserve.

My watertight butt is in a sling.

Now I have no lawyer to defend me.

Objection. I clerked for a Supreme Court Justice

to finance my way through VCR repair school.

Relax, Duckman. I'll get you off.

I mean, I'll see that you're found not guilty.

I hope so.

Boy, Bernice and the kids must be worried sick.

Whee!

(carnival music plays)

(laughing)

When people on TV watch TV,

is everything backwards?

(all gasping)

Wouldn't baseball be more exciting if the bats were alive?

(all gasping)

Sometimes I get a really bad headache,

like my head is in a vise,

and usually it turns out that's exactly what's wrong.

(screaming)

How'd you get to be such a good shot?

I've got this machine at home.

I can't wait to show you the Coopville Spittoon Museum

and Mucatorium.

My heavens, how your civic pride impresses me!

If I tell you what impresses me about you,

you'll blush.

(giggling): Tee-hee!

I try to stay firm.

You succeed!

(giggling)

Were you abused by your parents? No.

Teased at school? No.

A victim of racial rage? No.

Sexually harassed? No.

Fired for being chronically tardy? No.

You ever eat Twinkies?

It's no use! They've got me!

Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Duckman?!

Duckman, we've been caged,

beaten, chased by murderers, blasted by computers,

and through all that, one thing never fails:

the way you fall apart right before crunch time,

crying and moaning,

like a spineless and pathetic little pansy.

What's your point?

No point. Just venting.

(yells)

This is like coupon night at Sizzler.

Let's string the gol-darn egg lover up.

Now, don't you go and do anything drastic,

Uncle Goopy.

He's got a right to a fair trial.

That's why I got a judge

from outside of Coopville to preside.

Hey, that's mighty white meat of you.

Allow me to introduce Judge Kennesaw Mountain Chicken.

Huh. What are the odds he has the same last name as you?

Well, of course, he does.

He's my pappy.

Your pappy?! But you just said an impartial judge

from outside Coopville!

That's right, Duck-tari.

Pappy lives in Bixley.

You mean...?

Exactly.

The town line is right behind you.

Coopville, Bixley, Coopville, Bixley.

(crowd laughing)

Coopville, Bixley, Coopville, Bixley.

(nails screeching)

We gonna give him a fair trial, all right.

Then, we gonna string him and swing him

by his scrawny, sinnin' neck

until... he... is... dead.

Can somebody get him a tic tac?

(bell tolling)

Friends of the prosecution

to the right.

Defense to the left.

Ajax.

(Elvis-type entrance music playing)

(people cheering and clamoring)

Squeal. Look.

I got his autograph.

It's for a friend of mine

who happens to be named... Cornfed.

On a brighter note,

I spoke to Fluffy and Uranus this morning.

They said they're working night and day

to gather evidence that may help acquit you.

It's limbo time!

What the heck you staring at?

Is it my big, ugly butt?

Oyez, oyez, oyez!

Yeah?

Chester Oyez,

we've been through this a million times.

Oh, right. Forgot.

All rise for His Honor

Judge Kennesaw Chicken.

(people cheering)

Hold it down, folks.

Want to be able to hear them building the gallows, don't we?

(laughter)

Pappy... uh, Your Honor, I move that we dispense

with jury selection and empanel the people

who mistakenly sat in the jury box

instead of the gallery.

Motion granted.

Jury is accepted.

Your client has been charged with espousal of Egg-olutionism.

Who will present his case first?

I won the toss.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I intend to... uh,

Your Honor, I feel it might unduly prejudice the jury

if you continue to allow

the district attorney to sit on your lap.

Very well.

Sonny, go on over there.

We will prove beyond the shadow... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit down and shut up. You made your point.

Yeah, I've laid the groundwork.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

think of an innocent child picking a daisy

on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Now, imagine Duckman roaring out of nowhere,

driving a large truck.

He hits her and kills her.

Then he backs up and he runs over her

again and again and again!

A sadistic beast

with a deranged, savage lust for blood.

Objection. What's this fantasy got to do

with the case before the court?

Sustained.

The jury will disregard the fact

that the defendant wantonly, brutally

and carelessly killed a little girl.

Ha! Won that one.

So, you can't say for sure

that Duckman is not the Anti-Christ come to flesh.

No more questions, Your Honor.

Defense, cross?

No. Just a little peeved.

(chuckling)

Order! Order!

Levity will not help your case one bit.

His character?

Well... he did refuse to give to Jerry's Kids.

His exact words were, "I don't give money to anyone

who can't walk up to me and thank me for it."

Objection.

On what grounds?

The need to distract the jury from hearing the truth.

Overruled, overruled, overruled!

Yeah?

Fred Overruled,

you sit your butt down.

This is gonna continue being a problem, ain't it?

He said egg!

Plain as day, I heard him say egg!

Came right out and said egg, he did.

Egg! Egg!

Egg! Egg!

Egg! Egg!

Egg! Egg!

You folks lost?

I mean... Egg.

Egg. Egg.

Egg. Egg.

Egg. Egg.

Your Honor, I believe

the prosecution has made its point,

plus, some people are sneaking back in line for seconds.

He's just mad because he doesn't have any witnesses of his own.

I'm afraid that's a forfeit!

It's a do-over. Forfeit.

Do-over. Forfeit.

Do-over. It's a forfeit!

Duckman, is there anything you want

before I sentence you to death?

To sit through the entire director's cut

of Dances with Wolves?

Ha! I can't wait

to see you dangle.

King, I-I never dreamt you found me attract...

Quiet! Duckman, this court has no choice but to find you...

Hold it, Your Honor! Wait!

Where did you kids get this stuff?

We were able to research case law in forensics

using a computer spectroscope and centrifuge,

we built out of sagebrush and manure.

We saw it on MacGyver.

Duckman, did you know

that it was against the law to say egg?

Uh... ha... eee... no?

Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Actually, this is

the one time where ignorance is a legal excuse.

I didn't know that.

(murmuring) Me neither.

Well, looks like I got no choice

but to find the defendant not guilty.

Not so fast.

I'm taking on my own defense,

and I wish to call a witness.

In light of the fact that this case is won

and at the risk of sounding insubordinate,

are you out of your (bleep) mind?

I've got a plan, Corny.

Duckman, the lawyer who represents himself

has a fool for a client.

Exactly, old friend.

The defense calls King Chicken!

Let the defense have its fishing expedition.

The people are confident.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

That I'm evil incarnate notwithstanding, I do.

King Chicken, was it you or me that day

who said egg?

This is your plan?

Just answer the question.

It was you.

Exa... Oops.

Well, was my saying egg

in any way because of ventriloquism?

And remember, you're under oath.

No. There was no ventriloquism.

Uh, ha-ha.

Did you, uh, use any kind of a hypno-ray on the crowd

that made them hear "egg" when I really said "chicken"?

You idiot! I assumed you had a reason for...

Ah! You assumed!

Is that correct?

(choking growl)

Yes!

Well, you shouldn't assume

because when you assume, you...

you... wait. There's a trick here.

I used to know it.

You slobbering, simpering...

Your Honor, I am not the one

who's on trial here.

Actually, you are the one who's on trial here.

Well, then forget I said anything.

Is it true you're really Japanese?

I'm not Japanese!

You just said you were.

I didn't know you was Japanese.

I'm not! I'm not Japanese!

Methinks thou doth protest too much!

Me further thinks that thou doth commitst yon crime

and does forthwith, to wit, to woo

doth pinn't on me, yet blam't on you.

You're mad! You're stark raving mad!

Perhaps, but would it surprise you to learn

that there is a method to my madness?

Yes!

Me, too!

What are you talking about?

I don't know, but I do know

that even though there isn't a thought in my head,

it is my right as an American to talk and talk and talk

and talk and talk and talk and talk and...

(yammering)

I can't take it anymore!

I confess!

I masterminded the whole thing.

I sent the condo flier, I built the water fountain,

I sabotaged your car-- all part of my plan

to start a new world

worshipping at an altar of my own design.

Chicken Creationism

would infect every town and city--

a massive organization of small-minded intolerance

so powerful it could defeat anything

except, of course, N.Y.P.D. Blue,

and I would be the messiah, but I knew I needed a Judas,

so I drugged you to say egg

and made you an enemy of the people--

the glue to hold my society together,

for nothing so unites the ignorant masses

like a common hatred.

I still get the clock radio, right?

Why, you...!

You want to know why I did this?

Made fun of you when you were kids,

ridicule, get your revenge, who's laughing now,

the whole schmear, right?

Oh. Right.

Hang him high. But, Pappy...

Pappy nothing. You're a bad seed.

You're power-hungry, crazy as a loon;

plus, your frozen yogurt's too damn expensive.

Oh, Kingy!

I'll always remember our time on the bicycle,

and the time under the porch,

and those two times

inside the mechanical clown at Burger Barn.

Bernice, one kiss before I die.

Ugh!

(sobbing): Adieu... Adieu!

Yeah?

I hate this town.

Thanks for all your help, boys,

but deep down, I knew I'd win.

I've got a higher power on my side.

You mean...?

Even higher than that.

(Paramount logo music playing)

Let's go home.

BERNICE: That's funny.

One of my hairpins is missing.

(fiendish laughter)

(stuttering)

That's everything we've got, people.