Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,267 --> 00:00:10,901
(whistles)
2
00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:37,200
(quacks)
3
00:00:58,067 --> 00:01:00,334
WOMAN:
And now, squat-thrusts.
4
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,701
Up and down,
back and forth.
5
00:01:02,767 --> 00:01:03,868
Squat, thrust.
6
00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:04,834
Hey!
7
00:01:04,901 --> 00:01:06,400
Hey!
Hey!
8
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,934
Hay.
9
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,701
Hey.
I can't hear myself think.
10
00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:13,501
What? I can't hear myself think.
11
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:14,801
What?
12
00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:18,701
Bernice!
Aunt Bernice?
13
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:19,834
(yelling)
14
00:01:19,901 --> 00:01:21,801
By the hand of Zeus,
15
00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:24,033
what manner of deviltry is this?
16
00:01:25,834 --> 00:01:28,667
I mean, what gives?
17
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:29,901
Whew.
There's Ajax.
18
00:01:29,968 --> 00:01:31,067
You scared us, son.
19
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,701
Listen to me,
all four of you.
20
00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:34,367
I've decided
it's time we did
21
00:01:34,434 --> 00:01:37,100
what other people who
live in the same house do.
22
00:01:37,167 --> 00:01:39,934
We're going to start
planning things as a family.
23
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,601
How about separate vacations?
24
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:44,234
(laughing)
25
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,734
I'm very excited
about tonight's plans.
26
00:01:47,801 --> 00:01:49,534
I've actually asked
our neighbors
27
00:01:49,601 --> 00:01:52,067
to come over to our house
for the monthly meeting
28
00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:53,501
of the Block Association.
29
00:01:53,567 --> 00:01:54,234
(all grumbling)
30
00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:55,667
Quiet!
31
00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:57,334
People dangling from
the ceiling in a net
32
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,567
don't get to say
what we're going to do.
33
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:01,734
It's high time this family
got involved together
34
00:02:01,801 --> 00:02:03,501
in a group activity.
35
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,467
(screaming)
36
00:02:06,534 --> 00:02:08,968
And don't even think
about throwing spears,
37
00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:11,601
shooting bows and arrows,
and dumping boiling oil on them
38
00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:12,534
from the roof.
39
00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:13,801
This is very important to me.
40
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,167
We never have visitors.
41
00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:17,367
And, in order
to guarantee your attendance,
42
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:18,801
you will remain
in that net
43
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:20,934
until half an hour
before they arrive.
44
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,267
At which time,
you will wash up.
45
00:02:22,334 --> 00:02:23,734
Then make our guests
feel welcome
46
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:25,200
and if anybody fails to do that,
47
00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:26,400
I'll make his life
a living hell.
48
00:02:27,701 --> 00:02:30,100
A worse one
than it is now.
49
00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:31,467
Do we understand
each other?
50
00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:33,133
(half-hearted agreement)
51
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,133
Do we understand each other?!
52
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,100
ALL:
Yes, ma'am.
53
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,567
Peachy. Let's party.
54
00:02:40,634 --> 00:02:43,334
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
55
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,300
Very impressive.
56
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:46,701
Everything's tip-top.
57
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,267
I believe we're prepared
to make a stellar impression.
58
00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:50,534
(breaking wind)
59
00:02:50,601 --> 00:02:53,100
They'll be here any minute.
60
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:54,501
Duckman, you fixed that short
in the doorbell,
61
00:02:54,567 --> 00:02:55,400
didn't you?
62
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,400
(man yelling)
63
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:58,100
Seems to be working fine.
64
00:02:58,167 --> 00:02:59,767
Oh, that's them.
Ajax, comb your hair.
65
00:02:59,834 --> 00:03:01,000
Charles and Mambo,
fix your collars.
66
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,501
Duckman, go pick up some dip
in the store
67
00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:03,434
just over
the state line.
68
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:04,801
Give it a rest, Bernice.
69
00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:06,033
I've lived in
this neighborhood
70
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,100
for 18 years.
71
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:09,467
These people know me
72
00:03:09,534 --> 00:03:11,534
and embrace me
as one of their own.
73
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:12,801
I'll have a Manhattan
straight up, bartender.
74
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:13,701
I live here!
75
00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:15,934
Ah. Kent.
Don.
76
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:16,901
Kathy.
Elaine.
77
00:03:16,968 --> 00:03:17,834
Gene.
Ronnie.
78
00:03:17,901 --> 00:03:18,767
Edna.
Dorothy.
79
00:03:18,834 --> 00:03:19,601
Len.
Phil.
80
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:20,501
Beth.
Rochelle.
81
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:21,334
Dave.
Jeff.
82
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,701
Jenny.
Susan.
83
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:25,133
So nice
to see all of you.
84
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,534
I don't know why we haven't
asked you over before.
85
00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:28,567
You have asked.
86
00:03:28,634 --> 00:03:29,868
We just never wanted to come.
87
00:03:29,934 --> 00:03:32,434
Ever since Duckman came
to our son's bar mitzvah,
88
00:03:32,501 --> 00:03:34,200
dunked his head
in the punch bowl
89
00:03:34,267 --> 00:03:36,434
and came up belching
the first two verses
90
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:37,467
of "Hava Nagila."
91
00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:38,834
Duckman,
92
00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:40,501
take their coats.
93
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:44,200
(grunting and groaning)
94
00:03:46,467 --> 00:03:48,634
(people gasping)
95
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,701
What the hell
are you staring at?
96
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:51,767
Your lawn mower.
97
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:53,801
We used to have one
just like it
98
00:03:53,868 --> 00:03:54,901
until it disappeared
99
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,767
some time after
we loaned it to you.
100
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:57,767
(chuckles):
Imagine that.
101
00:03:57,834 --> 00:03:59,834
Got a Weed Whacker
that looks a lot
102
00:03:59,901 --> 00:04:01,467
like the one I
used to have, too.
103
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:02,901
Bought it right after
I borrowed yours.
104
00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:05,234
Just loved what it did
to that crabgrass.
105
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,334
And your welcome mat
looked familiar.
106
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,901
The one with "Dave
and Jenny Farber" on it.
107
00:04:09,968 --> 00:04:11,100
I'm a detective!
108
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,934
We like to remain
incognito, okay?
109
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,434
Their TV's
a lot like ours.
110
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:18,200
So are their
dining room chairs.
111
00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:21,200
You have a silver frame with a
picture of our kids at Sea World
112
00:04:21,267 --> 00:04:22,367
in it, too?
113
00:04:22,434 --> 00:04:25,033
Isn't that grandma's
dialysis machine?
114
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:26,501
Well, well, well,
should have guessed it.
115
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:27,734
You move into
the same neighborhood,
116
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,234
you're bound to have
similar tastes.
117
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:30,334
Sparky!
118
00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:35,434
So, still taking
those drink orders.
119
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:36,868
Oh, well, then,
Rob Roy.
120
00:04:36,934 --> 00:04:38,300
Hey, a Seven and Seven.
121
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:40,334
I'll have
a strawberry margarita.
122
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,100
Blend and brew
on shaved ice.
123
00:04:42,167 --> 00:04:43,300
Hairy Navel!
124
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,767
Flaming tambico
and soda.
125
00:04:45,834 --> 00:04:47,067
Sex on the beach
for me.
126
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:48,901
Oh, just give me a
big bucket of whiskey.
127
00:04:48,968 --> 00:04:50,367
Flaming this,
128
00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:53,100
blend and brew that-- whatever
happened to the manly drinks--
129
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:55,868
the kind that made you go blind,
puke till you dropped
130
00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:57,434
and wake up three days later
married to the daughter
131
00:04:57,501 --> 00:04:58,534
of some overprotective father
132
00:04:58,601 --> 00:04:59,534
who'd pay you
to get it annulled?
133
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:05,033
So, Charles, Sambo,
uh, got any hobbies?
134
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:06,367
Electron microscopy...
135
00:05:06,434 --> 00:05:08,334
Kierkegaardian
existentialism...
136
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,467
and speaking in
a binary-based code
137
00:05:10,534 --> 00:05:11,701
only we understand.
138
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:13,000
How wonderfully adolescent.
139
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:16,434
1-0-0-1-1-0-0-0-1-0-0-1.
140
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:17,767
(laughing)
141
00:05:19,033 --> 00:05:21,200
True, Grandma-ma
doesn't talk much,
142
00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:23,300
but she enjoys
delighting others
143
00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:25,000
with a unique
party trick.
144
00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:27,100
Do either of you
have a lighter?
145
00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:29,601
Goodness, Bernice,
this spread is sumptuous.
146
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,767
You really should
entertain more often.
147
00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:33,234
(Grandma-ma
breaks wind)
148
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,300
(explosion)
149
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,567
Oh, my.
150
00:05:35,634 --> 00:05:37,267
Which, of course,
is not to say
151
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:39,067
we'd always be available.
152
00:05:39,133 --> 00:05:41,601
Here you go--
a little Duckman kickapoo juice
153
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:43,033
to dull the nerve endings
and make everyone seem
154
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,901
at least mildly interesting.
155
00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:48,367
This, uh, drink
has a very unusual kick to it.
156
00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:49,868
What's your secret?
157
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:52,234
Hey, do Siegfried and Roy
tell Copperfield
158
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,300
how they do it?
159
00:05:53,367 --> 00:05:54,567
(sniffing)
160
00:05:54,634 --> 00:05:56,601
If I didn't
know better,
161
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:59,200
I'd say...
it's Formula 409.
162
00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:00,701
(gagging)
163
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,400
WOMAN 1:
Is that ammonia?
164
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:05,267
WOMAN 2:
Is this Tidy-Bowl?
165
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:06,367
Wait. Don't go.
166
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,634
You think if this
were cleaning fluid,
167
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,133
Duckman would drink it?
168
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,300
(gulping)
169
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:19,934
Must be all right.
170
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,400
Well, he got it down.
171
00:06:21,467 --> 00:06:22,667
I'll have another.
172
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,567
I'd just like to say
how thrilled we are
173
00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:29,000
to host the association
meeting here tonight
174
00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:32,133
and that I've arranged for
a very special guest speaker--
175
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,968
an authority to talk to us
about home security.
176
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:38,400
Well, I didn't prepare
any notes, but...
177
00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:40,000
Not you, Duckman.
178
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,267
I mean a real authority--
179
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:46,133
someone who sells
home security systems.
180
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,767
What? All those
scam artists do
181
00:06:47,834 --> 00:06:50,767
is prey on your paranoia
by telling you horror stories
182
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:53,300
about pervert sociopaths
and young Republicans,
183
00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:54,634
so they can
frighten you
184
00:06:54,701 --> 00:06:56,067
into buying
their overpriced product.
185
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:58,300
Well, not this duck!
We've never been robbed
186
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,200
because I'm the king
of my castle.
187
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:03,167
I've got the dangling modifiers
in this English class
188
00:07:03,234 --> 00:07:06,000
and no one's going
to make me think like a victim.
189
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,200
(screaming)
190
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:08,901
I'm so sorry, Mr. Duckman.
191
00:07:08,968 --> 00:07:11,000
A crude yet effective way
to show
192
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:14,067
how anyone can invade your home
before you know what hit you.
193
00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:17,300
I got a crude yet effective way
to show you out of my home
194
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:18,567
before you know...
195
00:07:18,634 --> 00:07:21,701
Thank you so much for
coming, uh, Mr., uh...
196
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,834
Tetzloff.
Terry Duke Tetzloff.
197
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:26,334
And it's so nice
to see you all gathered here
198
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,067
to talk about home security
199
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:31,234
while your houses
sit empty and unattended,
200
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:33,267
inviting gosh knows who
to break in.
201
00:07:33,334 --> 00:07:34,100
(gasping)
202
00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:36,067
Well, shall we get started?
203
00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:39,434
And then, he took
the electric carving knife
204
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:43,434
cut her into little pieces,
and fed her to his dog.
205
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:46,300
And as for the rest
of the orphans...
206
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:47,501
(gasping)
207
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:50,033
Well, it wasn't pretty
208
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,133
and all because they didn't have
209
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,601
the Interlopen Fuhrer 1500
home security system.
210
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:57,701
But, hey, I'm not here
to scare you.
211
00:07:57,767 --> 00:07:59,667
I'm just warning you
what can happen
212
00:07:59,734 --> 00:08:03,801
when you value $5,999.95
213
00:08:03,868 --> 00:08:09,567
more than you do
the safety of your own children.
214
00:08:09,634 --> 00:08:11,834
I hate to admit it,
but Dad was right.
215
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:13,567
This is designed
to prey upon
216
00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,300
our urban angst
and paranoia.
217
00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:17,901
Now then, who will be
the first to say "yes--
218
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:19,667
my family
matters to me"?
219
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:21,400
Me! Me, me, me, me, me!
220
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,100
Please!
Take my money first!
221
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:24,634
Take mine, please!
222
00:08:24,701 --> 00:08:27,000
Please, please, puh-leeze!
223
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:32,834
Bernice, say what you will,
but, as the man of the house,
224
00:08:32,901 --> 00:08:34,133
it's my sacred duty
225
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,434
to protect my
loved ones. And you.
226
00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:37,601
And don't worry.
227
00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:39,400
I didn't let him sell me
228
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:41,868
that cheapie
Interlopen Fuhrer 1500.
229
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:43,901
I talked him into selling me
230
00:08:43,968 --> 00:08:47,200
the deluxe model--
the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.
231
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:49,701
Deluxe? How much did that cost?
232
00:08:49,767 --> 00:08:51,667
Not to worry-- your car,
all your clothes
233
00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:53,133
and the kids' savings bonds
covered most of it.
234
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,033
ALL:
Our what?!
235
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,634
Hey, you're going to thank me
236
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,601
when you realize
it's a small price to pay
237
00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:01,467
for complete security
and peace o' mind.
238
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:10,334
I thought
this house was empty.
239
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,501
Me, too, but it's got
240
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:13,501
the biggest alarm
system on the block
241
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:15,801
so there must be some
great stuff inside.
242
00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:17,000
Yup. Here it is--
243
00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:19,834
Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.
244
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:22,434
(snoring)
245
00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:25,067
COMPUTER:
This house is now unarmed.
246
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:27,467
Shh! Hillary, not so loud.
247
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,467
What if Bill hears you?
248
00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:30,801
(chuckling)
249
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:38,834
(yawning)
250
00:09:41,801 --> 00:09:42,801
(screams)
251
00:09:42,868 --> 00:09:44,667
Very funny, compost maggot.
252
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:46,734
(chuckles):
I never get tired of that one.
253
00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:48,667
If you're done
with your imbecilic jokes,
254
00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:51,167
Mr. Security and Peace o' Mind,
255
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:53,267
you might be interested to know
that we've been robbed.
256
00:09:53,334 --> 00:09:54,234
(screaming)
257
00:09:57,834 --> 00:09:59,100
(snoring)
258
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:00,267
Huh?!
259
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:01,868
Mambo, wake up!
260
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,968
Why did you wake me?
261
00:10:04,033 --> 00:10:06,934
You know I like to sleep
late on Saturdays.
262
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,267
(screaming)
263
00:10:08,334 --> 00:10:10,100
Duckman, I think Ajax
is in shock.
264
00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:11,501
You better talk to him.
265
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,200
Ajax, son, I'm sorry,
266
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,300
but you're just going
to have to accept the fact
267
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:16,501
that we've
been robbed.
268
00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:19,534
Robbed? Then that would mean
the TV isn't there.
269
00:10:19,601 --> 00:10:22,734
I thought it was stuck on one
of those cable access show
270
00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:24,367
where nothing ever happens.
271
00:10:24,434 --> 00:10:26,000
Listen, everyone, not to worry.
272
00:10:26,067 --> 00:10:27,667
I'll conduct
my own investigation.
273
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:29,434
Fine. I'll call
the insurance company
274
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:31,000
and tell them we've given up.
275
00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:32,434
Hey, they stole my homework.
276
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:35,334
And I was up all night
doing my essay for Career Day.
277
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,367
I wish I could crawl in a hole
and stay there forever.
278
00:10:38,434 --> 00:10:40,501
Ajax, you don't have
to get that upset.
279
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,334
I'm not.
That was the title of my essay.
280
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,334
Wait a minute.
281
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,267
You were up all night?
282
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:45,434
Didn't you
notice anything?
283
00:10:45,501 --> 00:10:47,601
Just a Jehovah's Witness
in a ski mask
284
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:49,767
who said he didn't want
to wake us by knocking.
285
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,634
Oh, and I finished the butter.
286
00:10:51,701 --> 00:10:52,968
Ajax, how could that happen?!
287
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,200
I can't believe
288
00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:56,167
you're that oblivious
to the world around you.
289
00:10:56,234 --> 00:10:57,567
Sorry, Dad.
290
00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:58,934
Next time try to remember
291
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,133
there are other people
in this house
292
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,133
who might have liked
a little butter, too!
293
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,567
Will you forget
about the butter?
294
00:11:03,634 --> 00:11:06,033
Did it ever occur to anybody
that Mambo and I
295
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,734
have lost almost
everything we own?
296
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,701
Including our
Science Fair project:
297
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,501
"The effects of sunlight
on electromagnetic isotopes."
298
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:14,767
Hey, Rod, open the sunroof.
299
00:11:22,467 --> 00:11:25,701
We've all lost things that were
near and dear to us, boys.
300
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,701
I, for example,
can't bear the thought
301
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:30,234
of somebody else using
my upper thigh massager.
302
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,100
(yells in disgust):
Me neither.
303
00:11:32,167 --> 00:11:34,601
However, our things are gone
304
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:36,801
and I think the only
constructive thing to do
305
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,534
at this point
is to blame your father.
306
00:11:38,601 --> 00:11:40,467
Me?! How much stuff do you think
would have been missing
307
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,267
if I hadn't gotten
the security system?
308
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,467
You're right, Dad.
309
00:11:43,534 --> 00:11:45,033
Thanks for protecting
the lint
310
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,467
that was mercifully left
in my pants pocket.
311
00:11:47,534 --> 00:11:49,300
And the dust balls
that the criminals
312
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:51,200
were too intimidated
by the alarm
313
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:52,701
to take from
under our beds.
314
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,067
They left the dust balls?
315
00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:59,667
Terrific. I bust a tail feather
trying to protect this family
316
00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:01,234
and what do I get
in return?
317
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,067
Exactly what you deserve!
318
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:05,400
You are the
irresponsible cretin
319
00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:06,801
who blew thousands
of dollars
320
00:12:06,868 --> 00:12:09,634
on a criminal-friendly
security system, aren't you?
321
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:12,467
Irresponsible?!
322
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:13,801
Ha! Ha!
323
00:12:13,868 --> 00:12:15,234
That's a laugh.
324
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,601
We'll see who's irresponsible
when I fix this alarm.
325
00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:18,734
Ungrateful family.
326
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:19,968
Try to keep them safe
327
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,734
and all of a sudden,
you're irresponsible.
328
00:12:21,801 --> 00:12:22,801
(yells)
329
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:24,000
(electrical zapping)
330
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,133
A couple of wires,
a switch or two.
331
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,634
How hard could it be?
332
00:12:27,701 --> 00:12:28,701
(gavel pounding)
333
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,968
MAN:
Is it true, Mr. Tetzloff,
334
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,734
that the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000
alarm system
335
00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:36,667
has features which
have been found to be
336
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:38,834
extremely dangerous?
337
00:12:38,901 --> 00:12:40,434
Only if you're
irresponsible enough
338
00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:44,267
to go inside the console
and try to fix it yourself.
339
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:45,767
(all laughing)
340
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:49,334
Okay, okay,
you made your point.
341
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,334
Next up-- Baby Blade Face.
342
00:12:54,534 --> 00:12:55,667
Got to fit...
343
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:56,968
Came out...
344
00:12:57,033 --> 00:12:59,400
COMPUTER:
The house is now armed.
345
00:12:59,467 --> 00:13:01,300
Woo-hoo!
You hear that?
346
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:02,701
The house is armed.
347
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:03,767
I did it!
348
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,133
Who's irresponsible now,
Bernice?
349
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:19,300
For your information
350
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:21,467
the alarm is now working again.
351
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:24,701
I've done that voodoo
that I do so well.
352
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:26,701
Meaning this family
can once again
353
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:28,300
feel secure and comfortable
in their home.
354
00:13:28,367 --> 00:13:31,033
Hey, how come there's a
pit of hydrochloric acid
355
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,667
in front of our
underwear drawers?
356
00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:33,734
(alarm sounds)
357
00:13:33,801 --> 00:13:35,834
COMPUTER:
Intruder. Must eliminate.
358
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,634
Whoa!
Whoa!
359
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:44,467
I suppose I could tone it down
a skosh.
360
00:13:44,534 --> 00:13:45,801
COMPUTER:
Motion sensors activated.
361
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:51,801
Hey, everyone...
362
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:53,133
Don't move!
363
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,534
Okay, I won't move.
364
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,200
Unless
this is reverse psychology
365
00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:58,634
and you do want me to move.
366
00:13:58,701 --> 00:14:00,601
But if it's reverse-reverse
psychology,
367
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,734
then you don't want me
to move.
368
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,400
If it's
reverse-reverse-reverse...
369
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:05,734
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
370
00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:07,067
Okay, I'll shut up.
371
00:14:07,133 --> 00:14:08,667
Unless that
was reverse psychology
372
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:11,100
and you want me
to keep talking.
373
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,133
Duckman, here is something
you haven't heard from me
374
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,801
in the last, what--
three or four minutes?
375
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:16,367
This is all your fault!
376
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:18,834
My fault?! Hey, just 'cause
I fiddle with a couple of wires
377
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,334
and create a deadly force field
378
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,767
that'll brutally kill all of us
if we move as much as an inch,
379
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:24,033
suddenly, I'm the fall guy.
380
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:25,167
(breaking wind)
381
00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:27,267
Okay, look,
382
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,667
as head of the family,
383
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:30,734
it's my responsibility to lead
us out of this small
384
00:14:30,801 --> 00:14:31,767
and utterly surmountable
predicament.
385
00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:33,868
And naturally,
I have a plan.
386
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:37,200
Run like hell
for the basement!
387
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:39,167
(all yelling)
388
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:43,968
("Ride of the Valkyries"
playing)
389
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:45,834
(music stops)
390
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:48,501
Ho!
391
00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:53,334
Just goes to show you
where a good plan will get you.
392
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,667
Oh! Watch it, Bernice!
393
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:56,534
You're stepping on my head.
394
00:14:56,601 --> 00:14:58,167
Like I can do any more damage.
395
00:14:58,234 --> 00:14:59,267
Tell me, Mr. Fixit,
396
00:14:59,334 --> 00:15:00,868
what exactly are we
going to do now?
397
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,300
Very simple.
We count on our neighbors.
398
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:05,133
They broke bread with us
last night, Bernice.
399
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,300
We bonded.
400
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:08,601
I have no doubt
that the minute any one of them
401
00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:10,467
notices anything strange
going on over here,
402
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:13,100
they'll be more than annxious
to rush to our aid.
403
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,133
(alarm wailing)
404
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:22,367
Anymore lemonade, dear?
405
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,234
(alarm wailing)
406
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,534
You gotta get me
out of here!
407
00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:31,400
I gotta get out!
It's too much, you hear me!
408
00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:32,601
The walls are closing in on me.
409
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:33,734
The ceiling is getting lower.
410
00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:35,901
There are strange,
gigantic lumpen shapes
411
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:38,200
forming in the corners
of the room.
412
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,734
Look, I found
413
00:15:39,801 --> 00:15:40,701
my old contact lens.
414
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,400
Please let me out!
415
00:15:53,467 --> 00:15:55,200
I can't take it!
I can't take it!
416
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:56,400
The loss of hope,
417
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:57,834
the feelings
of isolation,
418
00:15:57,901 --> 00:16:00,234
the pain in my face!
419
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:02,734
I don't give a horse's hiney
about your pain!
420
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:04,400
We've been down here
for ten minutes
421
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,300
and you've spent the last eight
folding like a cheap deck chair.
422
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,234
She's right, Dad.
You have been
423
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:12,234
acting like a bit of a...
what's the word?
424
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:13,267
(cat meowing)
425
00:16:13,334 --> 00:16:14,701
That's it.
426
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,567
Yeah? Well... there's a reason
I'm acting this way.
427
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:18,000
I'm just afraid if I tell you
428
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,534
it'll make you
think less of your old dad.
429
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:22,968
Good point.
430
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,567
Something happened
when I was a kid,
431
00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:26,601
something I've carried with me
all these years.
432
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:27,801
I was six years old.
433
00:16:27,868 --> 00:16:29,834
I stole some candyfrom the Five and Dime
434
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:31,267
and my dad found out.
435
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:32,667
Instead of spanking meor yelling at me,
436
00:16:32,734 --> 00:16:34,300
he just sat down and calmlywrote a little note,
437
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:35,701
put it in an envelope
438
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:37,601
and then told me to take itto the chief of police.
439
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:39,667
When I did, the chiefread the note, shook his head
440
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:43,367
then locked me in a jail cell.
441
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:45,234
You were in jail
when you were six?!
442
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:46,334
Turns out the note said,
443
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,000
"This little boy
stole some candy.
444
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:50,334
Please lock him in a cell for
an hour to teach him a lesson."
445
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,234
But, 15 minutes
after he locked me up,
446
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,701
the chief was leaning backin his chair, fell out,
447
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,467
hit his head on a radiatorand went into a coma.
448
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:57,901
No one else
knew why I was in there.
449
00:16:57,968 --> 00:16:59,133
So I sat in that cell
450
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,868
until he came out of the coma
and let me go.
451
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:02,534
How long were
you in there?
452
00:17:02,601 --> 00:17:04,033
16 months.
453
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:06,801
Your father didn't come
and get you for 16 months?
454
00:17:06,868 --> 00:17:09,601
Shut up! Just shut up!
My daddy loved me!
455
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:11,501
He had a lot on his mind,
that's all!
456
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:12,701
If he had noticed I was missing,
457
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:14,033
I know
he would have come for me.
458
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,367
He loved me, I tell you!
459
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,534
I know he loved me!
Didn't you, Daddy?
460
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,234
Didn't you love me?
461
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,767
Well, boys,
your father has decided
462
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:22,601
to check out early again.
463
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,634
Any ideas?
464
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:25,501
Well, sometimes a court
will declare
465
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,801
a person incompetent
to handle his own affairs.
466
00:17:27,868 --> 00:17:29,567
Then he's sent
to an asylum
467
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:32,167
and all of his assets are
turned over to his children.
468
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:33,501
It's a pleasant thought,
469
00:17:33,567 --> 00:17:35,434
but I meant any ideas
about how to get out of here.
470
00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:38,767
Get out of here?
Get out of here?
471
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,501
I'll do that.
I'll get you out of here.
472
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:41,934
I'm the father.
473
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,167
It's my job to get you
out of here, to keep you safe,
474
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:45,567
to protect you
against whatever comes along.
475
00:17:45,634 --> 00:17:46,667
(yelling)
476
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:48,167
COMPUTER:
Intruders detected in basement.
477
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,100
Explosive device will detonate
in ten minutes
478
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:53,767
reducing intruders to lifeless
piles of smoldering ash.
479
00:17:53,834 --> 00:17:55,667
Bad news for those intruders,
huh?
480
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:58,400
We're the intruders, Ajax.
481
00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:00,434
Now, listen, everyone.
482
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:01,634
When things have gotten tough,
483
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:03,000
this family's always
pitched in together.
484
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:05,467
Like when we smuggled those
people out of Nazi Germany
485
00:18:05,534 --> 00:18:06,634
into Switzerland.
486
00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:09,801
(to the tune
of "The Sound of Music")
487
00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:17,367
* La, la, la-la-la,
la-la-la, la, la-la... *
488
00:18:17,434 --> 00:18:18,300
That wasn't us,
489
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:19,767
you glob of mucus.
490
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,133
Oh, right.
491
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,801
Well, what about the time
we all pitched in together
492
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:25,834
to get cable?
493
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:28,534
MAN:
Hey!
494
00:18:28,601 --> 00:18:29,667
Why, I oughta...
495
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,000
(cheering)
496
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,868
Yeah.
497
00:18:37,934 --> 00:18:39,667
True.
There was that.
498
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:41,434
And that's just how we're going
to get out of here--
499
00:18:41,501 --> 00:18:42,434
by pitching in together.
500
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:43,467
BERNICE:
Look!
501
00:18:43,534 --> 00:18:44,567
AJAX:
Let's go for it, Dad.
502
00:18:44,634 --> 00:18:46,367
Bernice, move Grandma-ma
over here.
503
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:47,467
Ajax, you get on her lap.
504
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:49,167
Twins, you and Aunt Bernice
steady Ajax,
505
00:18:49,234 --> 00:18:50,334
while your old,
how-could-you-ever-doubt-him
506
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,100
dad climbs up and saves...
507
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:54,868
COMPUTER:
You have fallen for the old
emergency shutoff lever trick,
508
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,901
thereby reducing the ten minute
countdown to 30 seconds.
509
00:18:57,968 --> 00:18:59,334
(all screaming)
510
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,067
If you're a criminal, you
deserve the bodily atomization.
511
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:05,734
If not, thank you for purchasing
the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.
512
00:19:05,801 --> 00:19:07,067
Oh, no! Oh, no!
513
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:09,267
We're going to be incinerated
in our own cellar!
514
00:19:09,334 --> 00:19:10,734
I can't think
of a worse way
515
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:12,534
to end my life!
516
00:19:12,601 --> 00:19:13,934
MAN:
This is Casey Cashem
517
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,534
about to introduce
the Countdown to Death.
518
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:17,868
Okay, there's one worse way.
519
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:20,534
But, before I do, I'd like
to dedicate a song
520
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:22,534
to all those families out there
who are trapped together
521
00:19:22,601 --> 00:19:25,133
in basements
that are about to blow up.
522
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,300
Kids, Bernice, this might
really be the end.
523
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,801
Look, I want to say something
I've never said before.
524
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:33,300
Stinky, pinky, bottle of inky?
525
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,300
What? He has said it before?
526
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:37,400
Just listen to me, will you?
This isn't easy.
527
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,067
I mean... I know I fell short
in a few categories.
528
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:42,234
That, as a dad,
I haven't been the greatest...
529
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:44,501
Provider, head of the household,
role model
530
00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:46,467
or anything that can even
be remotely confused
531
00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:47,934
with a parental figure.
532
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,934
Thank you, Bernice.
533
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,100
But it doesn't mean
that I don't love you kids.
534
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:53,834
Or you, Grandma-ma,
535
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:57,367
Or you... Ber...
(coughs)
536
00:19:57,434 --> 00:19:58,901
Ber... Brr.
537
00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:03,434
Oh, come here.
538
00:20:03,501 --> 00:20:06,133
(all sobbing)
539
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,033
Ow! My eye! My eye!
540
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:11,067
My eye!
541
00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:13,200
My eye!
542
00:20:16,033 --> 00:20:19,100
Oops, guess that won't
help resale, will it?
543
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,667
Look, it's the bomb!
544
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:25,000
And now, here's
the final countdown.
545
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:25,934
Ten...
546
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,100
nine...
547
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:28,000
eight...
548
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,934
seven, six...
549
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,400
five, four,
550
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,400
Get down, everyone!
three,
551
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,734
(screaming)
two, one...
552
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:49,501
(door opening)
553
00:20:49,567 --> 00:20:50,501
Hi-dee-ho.
554
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:51,634
Anyone home?
555
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:53,033
Thank goodness.
What are you
doing here?
556
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:54,234
I knew something was wrong
557
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:55,601
when you didn't
show up for work today, Duckman.
558
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:57,334
I don't show up for work
a lot of days.
559
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,000
True, but you always
call in
560
00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:00,934
with some lame and pathetically
inadequate excuse
561
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,000
that I pretend to believe
so as not to unbalance
562
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:05,234
the age-old fragile
employer-employee relationship.
563
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:06,567
Uncle Cornfed,
564
00:21:06,634 --> 00:21:08,567
you must have disarmed
the system.
565
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,634
And just nanoseconds before
it reduced us to molecules.
566
00:21:11,701 --> 00:21:13,701
Oh. So that was the cord
I tripped over
567
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,033
and unplugged
on the front porch.
568
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:17,133
Gee, Duckman,
I hate to say it,
569
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,267
but that was
uncharacteristically
570
00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:20,400
heroic trying to
save us like that.
571
00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:21,567
Yeah.
572
00:21:21,634 --> 00:21:22,801
True heroism.
573
00:21:22,868 --> 00:21:24,834
You're cool.
574
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:28,934
Yeah, well, any dad would
have done the same thing.
575
00:21:38,033 --> 00:21:41,067
What the hell was I thinking?
40855
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.