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1
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:10,968
(whistles)
2
00:00:35,434 --> 00:00:37,300
(quacks)
3
00:00:39,467 --> 00:00:44,100
Happy Be-Good-to-the-Elderly
Day, Grandma-ma!
4
00:00:46,734 --> 00:00:49,100
Okay, boys, let her rip!
5
00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:53,367
( breaks wind )
6
00:00:53,434 --> 00:00:54,767
Yay!
7
00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:55,868
Nice one,
Grandma-ma!
8
00:00:55,934 --> 00:00:57,033
Hey, Aunt Bernice,
9
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,701
why didn't we wait
for Dad and Ajax?
10
00:00:58,767 --> 00:00:59,834
Well, we're never sure
11
00:00:59,901 --> 00:01:01,534
if Ajax will get
on the right school bus,
12
00:01:01,601 --> 00:01:03,033
and I don't give
a rodent's rump
13
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:05,033
if your father's excluded
from family gatherings.
14
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:06,534
Oh, yeah.
We forgot.
15
00:01:06,601 --> 00:01:09,000
Charles, Mambo,
speaking of Ajax,
16
00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:12,701
have you noticed
anything strange about him?
17
00:01:12,767 --> 00:01:14,000
He has one head.
18
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:15,367
( laughing )
19
00:01:15,434 --> 00:01:16,367
( horn honking )
20
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:17,834
( crashing )
21
00:01:17,901 --> 00:01:19,267
DUCKMAN:
Yeah, yeah!Save it for the courtroom!
22
00:01:19,334 --> 00:01:21,200
We'll see if you'rein good humor then!
23
00:01:21,267 --> 00:01:24,300
Oh... Little ice cream
with your cake?
24
00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,067
Hello, progeny. Bernice.
25
00:01:26,133 --> 00:01:28,300
Sorry I missed the celebration,
but I spent a long, tireless day
26
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,234
wading through the muck,
making an honest go of it.
27
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:32,634
The consummate provider--
putting food on the table
28
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,868
and warm garments on
backs of my loved ones.
29
00:01:34,934 --> 00:01:36,801
The dog track
in Tijuana called.
30
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:38,634
You left your sunglasses
there today.
31
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:39,968
So I had
a little down time.
32
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,300
Well, now that we have
33
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:43,133
the obligatory lies
out of the way,
34
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,701
I have to talk to you
about Ajax.
35
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:45,968
I got a call from the school.
36
00:01:46,033 --> 00:01:47,901
He's been sent
to the office
37
00:01:47,968 --> 00:01:49,634
every day for the past week.
38
00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:50,767
That's not a problem.
39
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,133
It's just part of growing up,
Bernice.
40
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,734
He's testing his limits.
41
00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:55,968
If any son mine
was behaving weirdly,
42
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,934
don't ya think
I'd notice?
43
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,167
It's not just school.
He hasn't been himself lately.
44
00:02:00,234 --> 00:02:01,234
( knocking )
45
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,434
Who is it?
46
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:03,834
Ajax.
47
00:02:03,901 --> 00:02:05,367
You don't have
to knock, dear.
48
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:06,634
You can just come in.
49
00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:09,234
I knew there was one house
I could do that at.
50
00:02:10,901 --> 00:02:11,834
Seems fine to me.
51
00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:13,234
Duckman, did
you see that?
52
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,767
He just went
past a cake
53
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,000
without burying his head in it
54
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:17,601
and wolfing it down
until he was choking
55
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:18,934
and had to come up for air.
56
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,167
Hmm. Maybe I should talk to him.
57
00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:22,801
Ha! Talk to him?!
58
00:02:22,868 --> 00:02:24,667
You mean like you ask him
what the problem is,
59
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:26,667
he tells you, then say
something that helps?
60
00:02:26,734 --> 00:02:28,334
What? You think
I'm not up to it?
61
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,901
You think I'm not a good parent?
62
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:31,467
You think just 'cause
I'm a hard-bill detective,
63
00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:34,868
I can't relate to my boy
like a father?
64
00:02:34,934 --> 00:02:36,934
So, yousay
everything's fine,
65
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,868
but we know better.
Don't we?
66
00:02:39,934 --> 00:02:43,133
I thought you wanted
to talk to me like a father.
67
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,133
Okay.
68
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,367
So, uh...
69
00:02:45,434 --> 00:02:46,667
Son, uh,
here's five bucks.
70
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,367
Buy yourself a book
on solving teenager's problems.
71
00:02:49,434 --> 00:02:51,367
Thanks, Dad.
No sweat, son.
72
00:02:51,434 --> 00:02:53,167
We should have these
heart-to-hearts more often.
73
00:02:54,033 --> 00:02:55,267
( gasps and grunts )
74
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:57,367
Keyhole needed a little oil.
75
00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:59,367
I couldn't quite
overhear all of it.
76
00:02:59,434 --> 00:03:01,200
What did you find out?
77
00:03:01,267 --> 00:03:02,534
That if I'm really going
to get to the bottom of this,
78
00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:04,834
it's going to take
the investigative skills
79
00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:06,567
of a top-notch detective.
80
00:03:06,634 --> 00:03:07,701
We can't afford that!
81
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:08,868
Why don't you do it?
82
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,167
You said we were
going undercover
83
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,167
as high school students.
84
00:03:14,234 --> 00:03:15,167
What's with the getup?
85
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:16,667
I thought the grange
look is in.
86
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:18,501
Actually, Duckman,
that's "grunge."
87
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:19,501
Oh.
88
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:20,901
Like you fit in.
89
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:23,167
Hey, my parents
are in Europe.
90
00:03:23,234 --> 00:03:24,400
Want to come
to my house
91
00:03:24,467 --> 00:03:26,067
for a party tonight?
( giggles )
92
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:27,734
Are you kidding?
We'd love to!
93
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,501
Ew! Gross!
94
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,300
We weren't talking to you,
old man.
95
00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:33,734
I moisturize.
96
00:03:33,801 --> 00:03:34,734
Let's go.
97
00:03:34,801 --> 00:03:36,601
School's about to start.
98
00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:41,534
WOMAN:
I'm afraid.
99
00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:43,033
I don't... I don't want to.
100
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:45,367
I don't want them
to scare me.
101
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,033
( school bell rings )
102
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:49,801
( screaming )
103
00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:53,701
Yes, sir, I'll tell them
the good news.
104
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,100
Boys, we're going to Bosnia!
105
00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:57,868
Finally, some peace
and quiet!
106
00:03:57,934 --> 00:03:59,033
( cheering )
107
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,434
Wow! They really
cleaned this place up
108
00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:03,200
since last time
I was here.
109
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:05,133
Guess that corporate sponsorship
really helped.
110
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,133
Hey, look, it's Ajax.
111
00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:22,400
( kids laughing and shouting )
112
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:23,567
All right, Corny,
let's go.
113
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,133
And remember, we're here
to observe him.
114
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,667
Be as inconspicuous
as possible.
115
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:29,901
( screams )
116
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,267
( yells )
117
00:04:33,334 --> 00:04:34,334
( croaking )
118
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:35,601
( yells )
119
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:37,434
Huh?
120
00:04:37,501 --> 00:04:39,100
What are you
doing here?
Me?
121
00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:41,200
Uh... I... uh... uh, um...
122
00:04:41,267 --> 00:04:42,767
Hey, everyone,
it's Farmer Brown
123
00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,767
of Farmer Brown's
sausage sticks.
124
00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:47,267
His meat-like products
are gristle-icious.
125
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:49,133
( coughing )
126
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,133
( croaks )
127
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,133
( class laughs )
128
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,801
Class...
129
00:04:52,868 --> 00:04:53,801
( laughter continues )
130
00:04:53,868 --> 00:04:54,801
Class...
131
00:04:54,868 --> 00:04:56,200
( whistles )
132
00:04:56,267 --> 00:04:57,133
( laughter stops )
133
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,400
Well, that's better.
134
00:04:58,467 --> 00:05:00,400
I hate to have to hurt anybody.
135
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:01,501
This morning, I've been asked
136
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:04,634
to add sex education
to the curriculum.
137
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:05,934
Terrific.
How timely.
138
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,234
Oh, that'll help.
139
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,267
Maybe next, we'll listen
to some loud,
140
00:05:09,334 --> 00:05:11,634
parent-hating Satan music.
141
00:05:11,701 --> 00:05:14,968
We'll start with a short film
about breasts entitled
142
00:05:15,033 --> 00:05:17,234
Mammaries:Functional Necessities
143
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,334
Or Big, Round Orbs Of Pleasure?
144
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,767
Woo-hoo! Yeah!
Bring on the boo...
145
00:05:21,834 --> 00:05:24,133
Oh, you said, uh, breasts.
146
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,434
I-I thought you said
we were having a test.
147
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:29,267
( hearty laugh )
I'm just one of those nuts
who just love tests.
148
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:30,767
Can't wait to get my hands
on them.
149
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:32,601
DUCKMAN:
Bigger the better.
( clears throat )
150
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:36,267
But oh, this will be fine,
too, I guess.
151
00:05:36,334 --> 00:05:39,534
Yes, well, shall we begin
our unholy tumble
152
00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:41,567
into rank and seedy debauchery?
153
00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:43,934
( glass shattering )
154
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,801
Per usual, I'll excuse myself
155
00:05:45,868 --> 00:05:48,033
to the vice principal's office
now.
156
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:52,234
I told them that's what happens
157
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:55,567
when a boy gets a burning
in his loins.
158
00:05:55,634 --> 00:05:57,334
Let's go, Corny. Ajax
is obviously troubled.
159
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,567
This might be my best chance
to find out what's wrong.
160
00:05:59,634 --> 00:06:02,033
FILM NARRATOR:
Cave women almost never
wore brassieres,
161
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,367
and as you can see,
Ah...
162
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:06,133
those caves got pretty chilly.
163
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,167
'Course we don't
want to walk out
164
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:09,634
on the opening credits.
165
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:12,133
Fine. We'll rent it.
166
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,534
Hold it, maggots.
167
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:17,934
Nobody gets in here
168
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,968
without first being
a disciplinary problem.
169
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:22,834
We gotta get in there.
They're probably talking
170
00:06:22,901 --> 00:06:24,801
about what's bothering him
right now.
171
00:06:29,534 --> 00:06:30,701
Did you do this?
172
00:06:30,767 --> 00:06:31,934
What of it?
173
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,300
"School board"
is a collective noun.
174
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:39,167
Conjugation, young man.
Conjugation.
175
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,701
Give me your lunch money,
give me your bus money,
176
00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:44,567
and give me all the money
you saved up for college.
177
00:06:44,634 --> 00:06:46,400
What are you going
to do about this?
178
00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:48,934
Oh... who should I
make it out to?
179
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,801
Nothing works, Corny.
180
00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:52,734
You can't buy your way
into that office.
181
00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:54,734
Perhaps a break.
I brought some crudit�s.
182
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,167
I was wondering
when we'd eat.
183
00:06:56,234 --> 00:06:57,901
Thank God,
you remembered food.
184
00:06:57,968 --> 00:07:00,934
Did you say
the "G" word?
185
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,367
You said "God."
186
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:04,567
And one thing we won't stand for
is prayer in school.
187
00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:07,234
You're going
to the vice principal's office.
188
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:10,267
Farmer Brown.
189
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:11,601
What did they get you for?
190
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,200
Dad? I got sent
191
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,167
to the vice principal's
office.
192
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:17,767
Did I go home
by mistake?
193
00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,434
No, son,
I-I came down here.
194
00:07:19,501 --> 00:07:20,767
because I was worried
about you.
195
00:07:20,834 --> 00:07:22,701
DUCKMAN: You've been
acting strangely,
196
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:24,200
and I, I wanted
to find out why.
197
00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:26,434
It's all quite wonderful,
actually.
198
00:07:26,501 --> 00:07:28,767
I'm in love.
( laughs giddily )
199
00:07:28,834 --> 00:07:30,067
( birds chirping )
200
00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:33,167
Whoa!
201
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:38,767
( hammering )
202
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,167
In love!
203
00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:43,667
You hear that, Corny?
My son's in love.
204
00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:46,601
Little Ajax, first of my brood,
fruit of my loom.
205
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,834
Oh, what a great and glorious
day for the Duckman clan.
206
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:52,467
When my boy meets a girl and...
207
00:07:52,534 --> 00:07:54,734
We, uh, are talking
girl, right?
208
00:07:54,801 --> 00:07:55,734
Dad.
209
00:07:55,801 --> 00:07:57,067
Yeah, right.
Of course.
210
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:59,567
So, if you have any questions
about handling women,
211
00:07:59,634 --> 00:08:02,300
feel free to ask your ol'
been-around-the-block dad.
212
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:03,601
He'll tell you how
to turn on the key,
213
00:08:03,667 --> 00:08:04,801
how to get
that motor revvin',
214
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:06,501
how to shove in
the clutch.
215
00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:08,334
Do I need my driver's license
for this?
216
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,334
Nah. Just gotta know your
way around the backseat.
(chuckles)
217
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,467
BERNICE:
Duckman!
218
00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:15,234
Aunt Bernice.
What are you doing here
219
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:16,400
with Charles and Mambo?
220
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:20,100
That's not Charles and Mambo,
dear.
221
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,767
The vice principal called me
down here
222
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,167
to talk about Ajax getting
sent to her office again.
223
00:08:24,234 --> 00:08:25,334
What are you doing here?
224
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,667
Getting to the bottom
of this Ajax business,
225
00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:30,133
and I'm here to report
that it looks a lot worse
226
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,300
than it actually is.
227
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,067
Not unlike
nipple clamps.
228
00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:37,434
I'll just go play Yahtzee
with the cheerleaders.
229
00:08:37,501 --> 00:08:40,334
Look, Bernice, what I'm
trying to tell you is,
230
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,601
all that's bothering
Ajax is that...
231
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,200
well, for the first time,
232
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:45,467
he's in love.
233
00:08:45,534 --> 00:08:50,767
In love! Oh, our Ajax
is becoming a man.
234
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:54,133
Now punishing number 132.
235
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,300
That's us.
236
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:56,734
Ajax, can't wait
to hear
237
00:08:56,801 --> 00:08:58,801
all about your
little girlfriend.
238
00:08:58,868 --> 00:09:01,534
You're so...
cute!
239
00:09:01,601 --> 00:09:03,334
Let's get this thing
straightened out, Bernice.
240
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,434
I know how to deal
with these power-hungry,
241
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,634
child-beating,
drill sergeant wannabes.
242
00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:08,634
( gulps )
243
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:10,200
WOMAN:
Mr. Duckman, Bernice,
244
00:09:10,267 --> 00:09:13,567
come in. I'm Vanessa La Pert,
the new vice principal.
245
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,334
Humina-humina-ha-wah!
246
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,234
Very impressive, Mr. Duckman,
but why are you
247
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,601
telling me
in Cherokee
248
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:20,567
that you have raccoons
in your pants?
249
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:23,400
Uh, we-we encourage the children
to be multilingual.
250
00:09:23,467 --> 00:09:24,701
Um, how do you do?
251
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:25,767
Fine. Thank you.
252
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:26,834
Nice to meet you.
253
00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:28,868
( speaking gibberish )
254
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:31,767
I'm sorry, I'm not as
well-versed in Persian.
255
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,701
Maybe I should
open a window.
256
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:35,067
Please, have a seat.
257
00:09:36,601 --> 00:09:37,234
Ahh!
258
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,167
( straining )
259
00:09:39,434 --> 00:09:40,901
Ooh!
260
00:09:40,968 --> 00:09:43,234
( slobbering )
261
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,534
I'm sorry, I had
such a full day today.
262
00:09:45,601 --> 00:09:47,567
Do you mind if I eat
lunch while we talk?
263
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:48,400
Of course not.
264
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:49,667
The truth is,
265
00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:52,767
I've got some rather
surprising news about Ajax.
266
00:09:53,868 --> 00:09:55,234
( train whistle blowing )
267
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,901
( engine chugging )
268
00:09:56,968 --> 00:09:59,734
Actually, we may
already have an idea.
269
00:09:59,801 --> 00:10:01,734
We were just talking
to him outside.
270
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,033
VANESSA:
Well, then, you know.
271
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,133
he's, uh, in love.
272
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:06,868
( engine chugging )
273
00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:07,767
Yes, he told us.
274
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:09,934
We think it's so sweet.
275
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,434
Well, judging by your reaction,
276
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,934
he hasn't told you everything.
277
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,434
( engine chugging )
278
00:10:16,501 --> 00:10:17,667
I don't understand.
279
00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:19,234
What hasn't he told us?
280
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:22,801
Well, he hasn't told you
who he's in love with.
281
00:10:22,868 --> 00:10:24,667
Ajax is in love with me.
282
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:27,400
You!
You!
283
00:10:27,467 --> 00:10:28,501
I know it's a shock,
284
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:29,834
but I thought it was best
that you know.
285
00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:32,167
He gets in trouble in class
every day just so he can
286
00:10:32,234 --> 00:10:33,300
come into my office.
287
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:34,934
Well, it is a shock.
288
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,167
Not that I don't remember
what it's like
289
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:40,067
to have a crush
on an older authority figure.
290
00:10:40,133 --> 00:10:43,000
Oh, my, no.
When I was a little girl,
291
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:45,267
I loved to play tennis.
292
00:10:45,334 --> 00:10:47,067
The summer of my 14th year
293
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:50,067
when my womanhoodwas just beginning to bloom,
294
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,968
I went to tennis camp.
295
00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:55,067
The tennis pro's namewas Dick Samson,
296
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:57,067
and he was magnificent.
297
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:59,767
One night, one fateful night,
298
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:01,467
we snuck onto the court.
299
00:11:01,534 --> 00:11:04,033
He turned the ball serverup to ten,
300
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:07,501
and we spent hours
working on my grip.
301
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,634
All right, blanche, save the
rest for Halloween! Ooh!
302
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:11,667
Listen, Vanessa,
303
00:11:11,734 --> 00:11:13,300
this is serious.
Very serious.
304
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:16,467
Now, I was thinking,
maybe if Ajax saw you
making mad, passionate,
305
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:18,100
sticky love
to someone else,
306
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:19,501
he'd forget about you.
307
00:11:19,567 --> 00:11:20,834
But who could we get?
Hmm...
308
00:11:20,901 --> 00:11:23,234
Who could we get?
Wait a minute.
309
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:24,367
It just hit me!
310
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,667
Yeah, so will I
if you don't shut up.
311
00:11:26,734 --> 00:11:28,400
This is a delicate situation.
312
00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:30,634
A boy's first love
is a very special memory.
313
00:11:30,701 --> 00:11:33,834
Of course it is,
especially if he doesn't
have to pay for it.
314
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:36,067
Speaking of which,
would a 50 help you decide?
315
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,701
Duckman, you're
embarrassing me.
316
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:39,701
You're right, Bernice.
I'm sorry.
317
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:40,868
Make that
an even hundred.
318
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,801
Duckman!
Hey, it's for Ajax.
319
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:43,968
We're talking tax-free.
320
00:11:44,033 --> 00:11:45,167
( grunts )
321
00:11:45,234 --> 00:11:46,801
You'll have to excuse him,
Miss La Pert.
322
00:11:46,868 --> 00:11:49,467
His lobotomy was pushed back
two weeks.
323
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,267
Actually,
there's one more thing
324
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:52,567
you both need to know.
325
00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:53,734
This is very awkward.
326
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:56,567
Forgive me, but the truth is...
327
00:11:56,634 --> 00:11:57,901
I love Ajax back.
328
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,200
( loud crash )
329
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,934
BOTH:
You're in love with Ajax?
330
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,534
Don't worry. It isn't
a physical relationship.
331
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,601
He's just so impetuous...
332
00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:08,634
and innocent.
333
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:10,901
He's my Stridex-scented Viking,
334
00:12:10,968 --> 00:12:13,200
and I want to spend
the rest of my life with him.
335
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:15,067
I'm sorry, I have to go.
336
00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:17,000
I'm looking forward
to talking to you more.
337
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,501
Wait! Getting back
to you and me.
338
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:19,934
Did I mention I have a friend
339
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,968
who could make you a deal
on snow tires?
340
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,133
Okay, final offer!
341
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,701
500 bucks to do
a couple of jumping jacks,
342
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,200
and I don't even have
to be in the room.
343
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:28,200
Just phone me and tell me
and when you do it.
344
00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:29,234
( door slams )
345
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:32,267
( barking )
346
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,968
I'm telling you, Corny,
347
00:12:34,033 --> 00:12:35,968
no way a woman
of such delicious fleshitude
348
00:12:36,033 --> 00:12:38,067
would be interested
in a wedgie like Ajax.
349
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,901
She has an ulterior motive,
and I'm going to do
350
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,801
whatever it takes to expose her.
351
00:12:41,868 --> 00:12:43,801
Oh. There she is.
352
00:12:45,601 --> 00:12:48,434
( Duckman yelling and grunting )
353
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:49,634
You okay, Duckman?
354
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:50,934
Just tell me what she's doing,
will you?
355
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,367
Nothing much. She just
took off her bath towel,
356
00:12:52,434 --> 00:12:53,734
and now she's
rubbing herself
357
00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:54,801
down with lotion,
358
00:12:54,868 --> 00:12:56,367
giving herself
a full-frontal massage
359
00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:57,868
and bending over
to touch her toes
360
00:12:57,934 --> 00:12:59,701
for no other reason than
the sheer joy of it.
361
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,534
I'll tell you this,
without breast reduction,
362
00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:03,434
she's gonna have
a lot of back trouble.
363
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:04,868
( panting )
364
00:13:04,934 --> 00:13:06,734
DUCKMAN:
She's not even
in the room!
365
00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:08,367
Hee-hee.
Little surveillance humor.
366
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:10,734
Duckman, you are here
first and foremost
367
00:13:10,801 --> 00:13:12,501
out of love and concern
for your child.
368
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:15,434
Of course I am.
Why would you even dare
to suggest otherwise?
369
00:13:15,501 --> 00:13:16,701
Maybe it was the way you said,
370
00:13:16,767 --> 00:13:18,267
"Hey, Corny, let's go get a look
at her naked."
371
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:20,467
I could have more than one
reason for doing something.
372
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:21,501
( doorbell rings )
373
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,000
DUCKMAN:
Corny, someone's at the door.
374
00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,400
Behold the partner in crime!
375
00:13:24,467 --> 00:13:25,434
It's Ajax.
376
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:26,467
Give me those!
377
00:13:26,534 --> 00:13:27,901
DUCKMAN:
Oh, my God!
378
00:13:27,968 --> 00:13:30,133
He's not doing
what I think he's doing!
379
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,133
He's gonna give her
a pedicure!
380
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,300
I won't have any my kid of mine
381
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:35,200
doing something so menial.
Let's go!
382
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,167
( yelling, crashing,cat yowling )
383
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,334
And then they left
in their car.
384
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,501
I tried running after them,
385
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:42,334
but Cornfed here
slowed me down.
386
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,000
You couldn't let go
of the binoculars.
387
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:45,934
This is all your fault,
Duckman.
388
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,834
Ajax ran off
with a beautiful woman
389
00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:50,100
because it's his father's
biggest fantasy.
390
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:52,133
Actually, my biggest
fantasy involves you,
391
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,968
liver loaf and a pack
of starving rottweilers.
392
00:13:55,033 --> 00:13:56,167
( knock at door )
393
00:13:56,234 --> 00:13:57,601
AJAX:
Oh, yeah.
394
00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:58,934
Ajax, you're home!
395
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,467
All right, listen, libido-boy.
396
00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:02,234
I want the truth
and nothing but the truth,
397
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,200
straight, no chaser,
no gilding the lily.
398
00:14:04,267 --> 00:14:05,767
What's going on
with you and Vanessa?
399
00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:07,000
We're getting married.
400
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:08,334
Don't you know
have the common sense
401
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,334
to know when to lie
about something?
402
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,801
Duckman!
All right, look.
403
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:13,234
As long as you live
under my roof,
404
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:14,467
you'll do what I say.
405
00:14:14,534 --> 00:14:16,234
And I say, no way are you
406
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,868
and Miss Pass-Up-
The-Chance-Of-A-Lifetime-
To-Rob-The Cradle Instead
407
00:14:18,934 --> 00:14:20,033
getting married.
408
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,868
I'd hoped for
your blessing, Dad,
409
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:24,667
but I'm old enough
to make decisions on my own.
410
00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:25,868
Aren't I?
411
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,501
Ajax, dear,
Vanessa, harlot...
412
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,000
What Duckman's trying to say
413
00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:32,267
in his own barely intelligible
kind of way
414
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:33,868
is that there's no rush.
415
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:34,934
You have time.
416
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,367
Surely, this can wait.
417
00:14:36,434 --> 00:14:37,801
Well, my head says you're right,
Bernice,
418
00:14:37,868 --> 00:14:39,601
but my heart says don't listen.
419
00:14:39,667 --> 00:14:40,701
I love your nephew.
420
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,033
He's touched me
in places
421
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,934
no one has ever
touched me before.
422
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,901
Don't you even
think of saying it.
423
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,133
Family,
my mind is made up.
424
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,534
We're leaving tonight
for south of the border
425
00:14:50,601 --> 00:14:53,734
to go to Shady Raoul's
Wed 'N' Bed Resort. Adios.
426
00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:54,734
( walks into door )
427
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:56,634
Isn't he adorable?
428
00:14:57,767 --> 00:14:59,200
Duckman, say something!
429
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:01,033
Ajax! Can you bring back
430
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,734
one of those black velvet
paintings of Elvis?
431
00:15:03,801 --> 00:15:06,000
What? He's going anyway.
432
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:08,167
( tires screeching,car driving away )
433
00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:18,501
Welcome to Mexico.
434
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:19,934
Do you have anything
to declare?
435
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,467
Just that the snarling behemoth
in the seat next to me
436
00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:24,067
is not my wife.
437
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:27,934
Look, Duckman,
either we put aside
our deep-seated
438
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,300
and, in my case,
justifiable antagonism
439
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:33,000
and pretend to be newlyweds,
or we don't find Ajax.
440
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,300
What's it going to be?
441
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,634
I'm thinking!
442
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,501
Greetings, Mr. Duckman.
443
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,501
How are you and the lovely wife
today?
444
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:50,834
I'm fine. She's dead.
445
00:15:50,901 --> 00:15:51,634
( screams )
446
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,167
He means dead on my feet.
447
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:54,634
Don't you, snookums?
448
00:15:54,701 --> 00:15:55,901
We've had a long drive,
449
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:59,133
( choking ):
and my hu... husba... hus...
450
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,367
My husband ( sighs )
is a little cranky.
451
00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:03,701
Well, then we'll get you
452
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,634
muy pronto
to your honeymoon love nest.
453
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:08,968
Any place without witnesses
will do. Aah!
454
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:13,300
Room 2016.
455
00:16:13,367 --> 00:16:15,234
The Jungle Suite.
456
00:16:17,167 --> 00:16:18,701
Say, amigo, any chance
457
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:20,534
of getting an extra bed
and a couple of rolls
458
00:16:20,601 --> 00:16:22,367
of barbed wire in there?
459
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:25,234
My pookie is such a kidder.
460
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,334
Duckman!
461
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,667
What the hell are you doing,
Bernice?
462
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:34,667
You want me to go blind?
463
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:35,968
Listen, you dust mite,
464
00:16:36,033 --> 00:16:37,567
you're supposed to be
looking for Ajax.
465
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:39,033
If you can't even
do that right,
466
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,300
make yourself useful
and oil my back.
467
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:47,100
( gasps )
468
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:50,067
Hi.
469
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:52,200
I'm Kiki, your social director,
who got the job
470
00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:54,167
because I'm perkier
than a ferret.
471
00:16:54,234 --> 00:16:56,968
So, might I give you a tour
of our wonderful resort, huh?
472
00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:59,801
We'd rather just lie here
and get skin cancer
473
00:16:59,868 --> 00:17:01,534
if it's okay
with you. Aah!
474
00:17:01,601 --> 00:17:06,167
What a lovely way to see
who else is staying here.
475
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:10,501
And, finally, we have
our marriage coliseum.
476
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,100
We're able to keep
our rates so low
477
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:13,434
because we deal in bulk.
478
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:15,501
Do you take your boyfriend,
girlfriend,
479
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:19,033
sibling, parent, pet, or plant
to be your lawfully wedded mate?
480
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,200
ALL:
I do.
481
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:22,334
We've seen this place
from soup to nuts
482
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,267
and no sign of the kid.
Where could he be?
483
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:27,267
Aah... maybe he's doing
what most grooms do
484
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:28,934
with their new brides.
What, you think
485
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,133
he gambled away
all the wedding gifts
486
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,734
and told his wife
the room was broken into?
487
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:32,834
Let's go.
488
00:17:32,901 --> 00:17:34,067
We're going to scour
every square inch
489
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:36,067
of this place again
till we find him.
490
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:45,133
Wow. Tomorrow at this time,
I'll be Mr. Vanessa.
491
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,100
( mumbling )
492
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,801
Bernice, the floss.
493
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:50,968
Oh. I said
494
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:51,968
I'm exhausted.
495
00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:53,701
We spent the whole
day and night looking,
496
00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:54,901
and we still didn't find him.
497
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:57,400
Now we have to get a few
hours sleep and start again.
498
00:17:57,467 --> 00:17:58,934
At least we got a hot tub.
499
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,801
My muscles haven't been this
loose since Beatrice used to...
500
00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:03,467
Well, it's been a long time.
501
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:04,934
Huh.
( clears throat )
502
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:06,467
Nice room, isn't it?
503
00:18:06,534 --> 00:18:08,834
There's even
a bottle of champagne.
504
00:18:08,901 --> 00:18:11,167
"Call of the Beast."
Must be very rare.
505
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,234
I've never heard
of Nairobi Vineyards.
506
00:18:14,868 --> 00:18:15,734
Little bubbly?
507
00:18:15,801 --> 00:18:16,901
I know, it's the water jets
508
00:18:16,968 --> 00:18:18,968
plus that damn
digestive problem of mine.
509
00:18:19,033 --> 00:18:22,200
I... ( chuckles ) You didn't
mean the water, did you?
510
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,234
( gulping )
511
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,467
Hmm, I wonder what this does.
512
00:18:27,534 --> 00:18:30,567
( romantic music plays )
513
00:18:30,634 --> 00:18:33,300
Wow, there must be speakers
hidden all over the room.
514
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:35,133
I think there's even one
under the water.
515
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:35,968
No way.
516
00:18:36,033 --> 00:18:37,167
Yeah, hop in.
517
00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:38,667
You can feel it.
518
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:40,267
See, it vibrates.
519
00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:42,801
Mmm. You're right.
520
00:18:43,901 --> 00:18:44,834
( gulps )
521
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,067
Uh... Bernice,
522
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,400
uh, don't take this
the wrong way, but...
523
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,501
you look
very attractive tonight.
524
00:18:57,567 --> 00:18:59,701
In an I-know-you're-still-
the-shrewish-and-hateful-
525
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:01,834
bane-of-my-existence
kind of way.
526
00:19:08,901 --> 00:19:12,167
You know, you look better to me
than you usually do, too.
527
00:19:13,701 --> 00:19:16,334
I don't know if you remember,
but, uh, this isn't
528
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,367
the first time we've been
in a hot tub together.
529
00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:20,067
That night
at the Dickinsons' party,
530
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,200
I snuck up from behind you,
thinking you were Beatrice.
531
00:19:22,267 --> 00:19:23,968
( tittering, snorting ):
Yeah.
532
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:26,067
I'm sorry I slapped you.
533
00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:27,801
It was an honest mistake.
534
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,467
We were identical twins.
535
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:31,667
Mmm... if I
remember correctly,
536
00:19:31,734 --> 00:19:34,300
there were
a couple of differences.
( giggles )
537
00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:36,267
You know, you didn't
have any trouble
538
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:39,033
filling out
that swimsuit yourself.
539
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,300
Well...
540
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,300
Well...
541
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:50,734
Jesus Marimba!
542
00:19:50,801 --> 00:19:52,200
Mmm...
543
00:19:53,968 --> 00:19:56,901
Humina-humina-how-wah!
544
00:19:56,968 --> 00:19:58,167
Oh!
545
00:19:58,234 --> 00:20:01,834
( both gulping )
546
00:20:08,234 --> 00:20:10,300
( clock ticking )
547
00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:22,868
( both screaming )
548
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:25,267
( both screaming )
549
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:26,434
( both screaming )
550
00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:28,434
Did I...? Did you?
Did you?
551
00:20:28,501 --> 00:20:30,133
Did we?
( knock at door )
552
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,367
Your husband!
553
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:33,100
I'll hide in the...
Duckman,
554
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:34,100
I'm not married.
555
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:36,100
Oh. Right. Force of habit.
556
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:37,100
Who is it?
557
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:38,267
It's us.
558
00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:39,367
( both screaming )
559
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:40,767
Dad, Aunt Bernice,
560
00:20:40,834 --> 00:20:43,267
I can't believe
what I'm seeing.
I'm appalled.
561
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:44,767
Ajax, there's a simple...
562
00:20:44,834 --> 00:20:47,133
You're always telling me
about Mr. Wrinkle,
563
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,200
and you didn't hang up
any of your clothes.
564
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:51,934
Vacation, son.
It's allowed on vacation.
565
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,367
Ajax, where have you been?
566
00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:54,734
We looked all over for you.
567
00:20:54,801 --> 00:20:55,601
We've been here.
568
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:56,767
You both seemed so upset
569
00:20:56,834 --> 00:20:57,934
about Vanessa and I
being engaged,
570
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,634
I figured you'd like to know
571
00:20:59,701 --> 00:21:01,267
we're not getting married.
572
00:21:01,334 --> 00:21:02,133
BOTH:
You're not?!
573
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,501
Rethought
my offer, huh?
574
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:04,501
Actually, Dad,
575
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:05,801
it's because we really don't
576
00:21:05,868 --> 00:21:07,501
know each other well enough,
577
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:08,667
and I'm too young anyway.
578
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:09,968
We'll get married later
579
00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:12,334
when he won't make
my car insurance skyrocket.
580
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,834
I'm very proud of you, son.
581
00:21:13,901 --> 00:21:15,100
Me, too, Ajax.
582
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,434
Thanks, Dad,
Thanks, Aunt Bernice.
583
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:19,968
The important thing is,
you let me make my own decision.
584
00:21:20,033 --> 00:21:22,133
Thanks for treating me
like a grownup
585
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,400
who can figure out things
for himself.
586
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:27,167
( walks into wall )
587
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:31,701
Well, that worked out.
588
00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:33,267
Yeah, sure did.
589
00:21:34,367 --> 00:21:35,968
Duckman...
Bernice...
590
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,300
( both laughing and snorting )
591
00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:39,133
Look, it didn't
happen, right?
592
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,434
Absolutely not even
in the realm of possibility.
593
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,501
( Bernice and Duckmanscreaming )
594
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:50,968
Newlyweds.
42378
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