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1
00:00:09,601 --> 00:00:10,968
(whistles)
2
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:37,300
(quacks)
3
00:00:41,601 --> 00:00:43,067
(screaming)
4
00:00:43,968 --> 00:00:45,400
Bite me.
You stink!
5
00:00:45,467 --> 00:00:47,300
Eat masonry, duffy!
6
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:48,434
(angry shouting)
7
00:00:48,501 --> 00:00:50,634
(piano clanging)
8
00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,534
Bunch of thin-skinned,
no-humor pansies.
9
00:00:55,601 --> 00:00:57,767
You tell them an ice-breaker
or two about women's libbers,
10
00:00:57,834 --> 00:00:59,400
gays, environmentalists,
several minorities,
11
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:01,567
the homeless,
couple of religions, anorexics,
12
00:01:01,634 --> 00:01:03,767
obese people, the handicapped,
old farts, baldness
13
00:01:03,834 --> 00:01:06,267
and people who walk real goofy
'cause they just had a vasectomy
14
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,601
and suddenly,
they get all sensitive
15
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,300
like I'd offended one of them
or something!
16
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:11,167
Makes you wonder why they even
asked me to talk
17
00:01:11,234 --> 00:01:12,667
in the first place.
18
00:01:12,734 --> 00:01:15,601
Wasn't it community service for
that incident with the ladder
19
00:01:15,667 --> 00:01:18,000
at the second-story window
of the girls' dormitory?
20
00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:20,133
I told the judge
it was sort of case-related...
21
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,467
in a way.
22
00:01:21,534 --> 00:01:23,167
All I know is it's a good
thing Cornfed was here
23
00:01:23,234 --> 00:01:24,601
to rescue you today.
24
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:27,601
Yeah. That was truly amazing
how you ran up on stage
25
00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:29,300
told a few
amusing anecdotes
26
00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:30,868
then reasoned the mob
27
00:01:30,934 --> 00:01:32,167
into taking the noose
off his neck.
28
00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:33,367
MAMBO:
Not to mention how you
got everyone
29
00:01:33,434 --> 00:01:35,701
to hold hands,
sway back and forth
30
00:01:35,767 --> 00:01:37,434
and sing
"Everything is beautiful"
31
00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:38,868
in polyphonic harmony.
32
00:01:38,934 --> 00:01:41,133
Hey, any ex-wandering
troubadour/hostage negotiator
33
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,534
could have done it.
34
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:45,167
Look, I didn't need bacon
breath here to save me, okay?
35
00:01:45,234 --> 00:01:46,968
I could've handled
those pantywaists.
36
00:01:47,033 --> 00:01:48,467
I was just waiting
for the right moment
37
00:01:48,534 --> 00:01:50,634
to wind up the old haymaker
and start dropping the bombs.
38
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:51,801
Yeah, right.
39
00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:53,968
All we saw you dropping
up there was your load.
40
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:56,033
(laughing)
41
00:01:57,801 --> 00:01:59,734
Kids, if I may.
42
00:01:59,801 --> 00:02:01,300
You should always
respect a parent
43
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:03,667
over a close and seemingly more
courageous friend of the family,
44
00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:06,133
no matter how moronic,
obnoxious, craven and cowardly
45
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,400
the parent seems to be.
46
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:10,734
And don't
you forget it.
47
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:12,868
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Hey, over here, man!
Throw the ball!
48
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:14,167
Now, here's something
49
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:16,667
I have a-- shall we say--
small amount of expertise at.
50
00:02:16,734 --> 00:02:18,467
I bet you didn't know
your old man played
51
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:20,234
a little hoops
in high school.
52
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,167
That's right.
I once almost covered a guy
53
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:24,000
whose dad sold a car
to the sister
54
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:25,834
of the all-city high school
basketball champ.
55
00:02:25,901 --> 00:02:28,033
Guess I ought to show
these asphalt amateurs
56
00:02:28,100 --> 00:02:30,300
the meaning of showtime.
57
00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:33,834
(yelling)
58
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:43,200
Go for it, Corn.
59
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:44,767
Let's see
what you can do.
60
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:45,901
Move that casaba.
61
00:02:45,968 --> 00:02:47,634
Well, I'll give it a whirl.
62
00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:06,934
Shucks. Caught some rim.
63
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,167
Whoa, dude.
64
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:09,334
Doctor C!
65
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,801
Did you play
in high school too?
66
00:03:10,868 --> 00:03:12,100
No. I was once kidnapped
67
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:14,467
by a cabal of kick-boxing ninja
who forced me nightly
68
00:03:14,534 --> 00:03:16,934
to play a deadly game
of steel cage basketball
69
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,400
where the losers
were beheaded.
70
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,868
Yeah, well... I'll bet
there wasn't a shot clock.
71
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,701
And finally,
remember, kids:
72
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:29,000
Floss daily
to avoid tartar buildup,
73
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:30,434
carpool whenever
possible, and over-tip
74
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:31,968
food and beverage
servers.
75
00:03:32,033 --> 00:03:33,534
It's 80% of their income.
76
00:03:33,601 --> 00:03:35,167
(playing fanfare)
77
00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:36,434
ALL:
Surprise!
78
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:38,200
Why... well,
thank you, everyone.
79
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,501
I, I got to admit,
since my birthday was last week
80
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:43,801
and no one said anything,
I, I thought you forgot.
81
00:03:43,868 --> 00:03:45,400
We did, you flyspeck.
82
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:46,801
This is for Cornfed.
83
00:03:46,868 --> 00:03:49,968
Cornfed? His birthday's
not for another six months!
84
00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:52,334
We know, but
we just couldn't wait.
85
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,501
Happy birthday, Cornster!
86
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,734
(cheering)
87
00:03:55,801 --> 00:03:57,067
Oh, by the way.
88
00:03:57,133 --> 00:04:00,400
In all the excitement,
we forgot to tell you.
89
00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:01,868
You got a case!
90
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:03,000
(growls)
91
00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:04,767
All right,
let's book, birthday boy.
92
00:04:04,834 --> 00:04:06,701
Everyone thinks you're
so much better than me.
93
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,200
Let them watch
while I crack this case open
94
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:09,267
like a three-egg omelet.
95
00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:10,601
Let them see for themselves,
96
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,267
you don't have half the
observational skills that I do.
97
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,467
Where the hell
are my keys?
98
00:04:14,534 --> 00:04:15,400
In your right hand.
99
00:04:15,467 --> 00:04:16,400
(grunts)
100
00:04:16,467 --> 00:04:17,667
"In your right hand."
101
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,234
Little bovine
pain in the... (door slams)
102
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,000
DUCKMAN:
It's a new game out here,clove-foot.
103
00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:23,501
No soapboxes to stand on,no naive kids eating up
104
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,300
your every stealing-from-their-father move.
105
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:26,634
This is my turf.
106
00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,133
I'm in charge here,
107
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,467
and I'm only gonna
tell you once.
108
00:04:29,534 --> 00:04:31,133
No popping off!
109
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,100
Aah! Well, now look
what you made me do!
110
00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:35,601
I got to go in there with a
picture of me and Vanna White
111
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:38,067
frolicking naked with a tribe
of pygmies on my chest.
112
00:04:38,133 --> 00:04:40,601
Hmm. Looks like synchronized
swimmers, crocheting mittens,
113
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:43,167
in a pool filled
with truffles to me.
114
00:04:43,234 --> 00:04:44,467
You're sick.
115
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,033
All right, let's go,
and remember:
116
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:48,968
I have a perfectly honed
instinct for this work.
117
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:52,200
You want to learn something,
do exactly as I do.
118
00:04:52,267 --> 00:04:53,734
Imitate my every move.
119
00:04:53,801 --> 00:04:55,234
(yelling and grunting)
120
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:57,634
Do I have to do
the yell too?
121
00:04:57,701 --> 00:04:59,300
Whoa! Howdy, partner.
122
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,234
Took a shot
to the keister, huh?
123
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,501
It's the fried food.
124
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:04,667
The grease makes things
a little slick around here.
125
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,467
Yeah, thanks for the news flash,
hopalong.
126
00:05:06,534 --> 00:05:08,267
Here's an idea
that's sweeping the nation:
127
00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:10,501
Warning signs!
128
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,434
Oh. Keep them up there
on the walls, huh?
129
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:18,767
(yelling)
130
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:20,901
My name's Bob,
as in for apples.
131
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:25,334
Bob Heiny,
I'm general manager here.
132
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,501
Any particular reason you got
a picture of a drag queen
133
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:29,367
on a shetland pony
licking a flaming banjo
on your chest?
134
00:05:29,434 --> 00:05:30,567
Never mind that!
135
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:31,701
I'm Duckman,
private eye.
136
00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:33,467
I'm here to investigate
the, uh...
137
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,367
you know, the, uh...
thing that needs investigating.
138
00:05:36,434 --> 00:05:38,467
Sorry, partner,
I'm not sure I know
(moos)
139
00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:39,868
what y'all are talking about.
140
00:05:39,934 --> 00:05:41,601
Look, Wyatt, I don't know
how they do things
141
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:44,000
on the Planet Redneck,
but around here,
142
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:46,701
we cooperate
with law enforcement officials.
143
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:48,868
You're only
a private investigator.
144
00:05:48,934 --> 00:05:50,334
Don't sass me, fry boy!
145
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:54,167
You won't talk, I can always
apply a little persuasion.
146
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:56,000
Ew... You don't have to get
ugly, son.
147
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:57,968
Maybe Mrs. De Ree sent for you.
(screams)
148
00:05:58,033 --> 00:05:59,434
Her husband just died.
149
00:05:59,501 --> 00:06:01,334
Come with me.
150
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,367
This is it, gentlemen,
the the De Ree Waffles
151
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:05,234
and Roast Beef
on a Stick Factory.
152
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,000
Interesting name for a business.
153
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,901
What exactly do you make here?
154
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,000
Waffles and roast beef
on a stick, Duckman.
155
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,200
I know that,
Mr. Second-in-Command,
156
00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:15,133
who wasn't asked
the question.
157
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,567
I was just seeing
if he was cooperating yet.
158
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:20,400
Mmm. Not bad.
159
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,100
Tastes like
a little something extra
160
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:23,667
is mixed in with the beef.
161
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:25,033
Of course there is.
You think a rat problem
162
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:27,567
like this side of town had
just suddenly goes away?
163
00:06:30,634 --> 00:06:33,467
We like to say at De Rees,
"Roast beef is more
164
00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:36,167
than just a dead cow
with its head chopped off."
165
00:06:36,234 --> 00:06:38,400
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
(crashing)
166
00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:39,434
Here we are.
167
00:06:39,501 --> 00:06:40,834
You might want to go
easy on her.
168
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,334
She's been pretty torn up
since he passed on.
169
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,634
So the midget says, "Enjoy it?
170
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,901
Hell, I was eating lunch
in there."
171
00:06:46,968 --> 00:06:48,667
(laughing)
172
00:06:48,734 --> 00:06:50,567
(gasping)
173
00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:51,567
(explosion)
174
00:06:51,634 --> 00:06:53,901
MAN:
Grease fire!
Grease fire!
175
00:06:53,968 --> 00:06:55,901
Yes? (sniffles) May I help you?
176
00:06:55,968 --> 00:06:59,501
I'm, uh... Duckman,
private detective,
177
00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,167
and renaissance duck...
178
00:07:01,234 --> 00:07:02,601
(chuckling)
179
00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:04,000
...at your
beck and call.
180
00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,534
And I'm...
Insignificant
at the moment.
181
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:09,934
We understand there's a case
you need us to investigate.
182
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:10,801
Yes, there is.
183
00:07:10,868 --> 00:07:12,434
Thank goodness you're here.
184
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:14,601
Excuse me. Why do you have
a picture of me, a rabbi
185
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:16,767
and six drunken longshoremen
rolling around
186
00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:18,367
on a rubber bed
on your chest?
187
00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:20,100
(clears throat)
About the case?
188
00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:21,400
(sobbing)
189
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:22,534
Of course.
190
00:07:22,601 --> 00:07:25,767
Yes, it concerns
my poor Stanley.
191
00:07:25,834 --> 00:07:27,901
Actually, he was very wealthy.
192
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,400
By poor, I meant dead.
193
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:33,934
(sobbing and sniffing)
194
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,701
There seems to be
a suspicion
195
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:38,400
that Stanley's death
involved foul play.
196
00:07:38,467 --> 00:07:40,934
Clearly, there's nothing
to support that theory,
197
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,567
but the insurance company is
insisting on an investigation.
198
00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:45,334
They won't even let me
move the body
199
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,033
until it's proven
that he died of natural causes.
200
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,934
Do you think
you can help me?
201
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,634
Uh... sorry,
I didn't hear you.
202
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:52,968
I was staring
at your breasts.
203
00:07:53,033 --> 00:07:53,968
I understand.
204
00:07:54,033 --> 00:07:55,634
They're very supple, I'm told.
205
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:57,767
(clears throat) Excuse me,
Mrs. De Ree, I'm...
206
00:07:57,834 --> 00:07:59,434
Beginning to annoy me.
207
00:07:59,501 --> 00:08:00,801
Go on, Mrs. De Ree.
208
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,334
Val. It's clear to even
the most casual observer
209
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,834
what killed Stanley.
210
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,000
Cholesterol.
211
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:08,667
Obviously, there are those
who might think
212
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:10,434
I killed my husband
for the insurance money,
213
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:12,000
then hired an idiot P.I.
214
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,234
to say I didn't, so I could
get a big fat check
215
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,667
and make immediate
plane reservations
216
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:19,667
to a sunny tropical resort,
and live happily ever after.
217
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:21,267
Oh, well, the fools.
218
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,567
D'oh! Here, let me get
those plane tickets
219
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:23,734
to Rio for you.
220
00:08:23,801 --> 00:08:24,968
Well, it's clear,
221
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:26,334
you need to get your mind
off your troubles.
222
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,701
In fact,
I know just the place--
223
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,567
beer nuts, scantily clad women
dancing in cages--
224
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,200
they know me there.
225
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:32,634
I could get us a table
in front.
226
00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:34,767
Duckman, judging by some
of the things in this room,
227
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:37,133
I think we should ask
Mrs. De Ree a few questions.
228
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,868
I told you
to stay out of this.
229
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:40,300
What's to be gained
from asking
230
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:42,701
this poor, sad,
full-figured woman
231
00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,267
a bunch
of meaningless questions?
232
00:08:44,334 --> 00:08:46,200
As far as I'm concerned,
that's all this is--
233
00:08:46,267 --> 00:08:49,801
just an open-and-shut case
of improper diet.
234
00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:51,234
Ooh, pretty parrot.
235
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:52,534
Say, "Hello, Duckman."
236
00:08:52,601 --> 00:08:53,834
(squawking):
Stop it, Val!
237
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,367
You're killing me!
238
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:56,634
Well, fine,
if you can't do it.
239
00:08:56,701 --> 00:08:59,000
As I was saying,
my years of experience tell me
240
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:01,801
this very rich and refreshingly
flirtatious young lady
241
00:09:01,868 --> 00:09:03,634
is being needlessly harassed.
242
00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:04,901
This was not a murder.
243
00:09:04,968 --> 00:09:06,667
MAN:
Val, put down that gun!
244
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:08,534
You're my wife.
Don't shoot!
245
00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:10,300
I can't hear myself think!
246
00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:11,934
The point being as this busty,
247
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,334
and suddenly available,
one-nighter possibility
248
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,734
is clearly innocent
of any wrongdoing,
249
00:09:15,801 --> 00:09:17,567
it's our duty
to do what we can to prove it.
250
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:20,834
Never fear, Val,
I'll be tireless in my efforts,
251
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:23,334
for Duckman doesn't know
the meaning of the word "quit."
252
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,767
Apparently, the word "clue"
slipped through
253
00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:25,968
the cracks as well.
254
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,100
Where do you get off,
pork rinds?
255
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,601
Making a crack about
my investigative abilities?!
256
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,000
Who the hell
do you think you are?
257
00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:33,234
I'm your partner, Duckman.
258
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,667
Maybe I'm out of line,
and nail me to the barn
259
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:36,501
and call me Hector if I am,
260
00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:38,634
but the truth is,
you're blinded by lust.
261
00:09:38,701 --> 00:09:40,767
You're missing things
no detective-- even you--
262
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:41,968
should ever miss.
263
00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:44,334
Duckman, I think the way
you're acting is,
264
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,200
well... I'll say it...
unprofessional.
265
00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:48,767
Unprofessional?! After
everything else today,
266
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:51,267
you have the gall
to criticize me?!
267
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:52,834
Well, that's it, bacon fat!
268
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:54,567
You can sit on a spit
and rotate!
269
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:56,467
From now on,
you're one stuck pig!
270
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,334
You hear me?!
Shove an apple in it, buster!
271
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,701
You're done-- and I mean,
well-done, finished!
272
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,434
Bring out the ketchup, folks!
273
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:04,000
We got ourselves
some pork chops,
274
00:10:04,067 --> 00:10:05,734
and they're going down hard!
275
00:10:05,801 --> 00:10:07,067
Are you trying
to tell me something?
276
00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:08,100
Get out!
277
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,400
You're not
my partner anymore!
278
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:10,434
You're fired!
279
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,300
(door shuts)
280
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:29,868
Hi. I'm not an actor,
281
00:10:29,934 --> 00:10:31,300
but I play one on TV,
282
00:10:31,367 --> 00:10:33,467
and that's why I bikini wax
with the new and improved
283
00:10:33,534 --> 00:10:35,501
"Gee, Your Groin Looks
Well-Groomed."
284
00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:38,367
Yeah, well, that's enough
groovin' on the tube.
285
00:10:38,434 --> 00:10:40,667
Very nice, very nice.
286
00:10:40,734 --> 00:10:42,400
No more Cornfed around,
yammering all the time
287
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,934
about this, that,
that, this.
288
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,734
Well, nothing like a stimulating
game of darts...
289
00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:48,267
(yelps)...
to get the juices going.
290
00:10:48,334 --> 00:10:50,100
Yessiree, this is the life.
291
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:54,100
Doing things... * my way. *
292
00:10:55,868 --> 00:10:57,968
I'd say my life is pretty much
right on target.
293
00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,467
(air hissing)
294
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,133
Who needs a parnter?
295
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,000
It's about time I got things
heading in the right direction.
296
00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:06,767
The reason people come
to the Duckman Detective Agency
297
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,167
is Duckman, not Cornfed.
298
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,834
(buzzer)
Phone call for Mr. Cornfed.
299
00:11:10,901 --> 00:11:12,300
Fax for Mr. Cornfed.
300
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,501
Carrier pigeon
for Mr. Cornfed.
301
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,467
Semaphore for Mr. Cornfed.
302
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:18,601
Smoke signals for Mr. Cornfed.
303
00:11:18,667 --> 00:11:22,334
Cornfed doesn't work here
anymore!
304
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,534
Hmm. Let's try him
at home.
305
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:27,133
Why are you bothering me
with all that stuff for?
306
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,300
I told you--
he's gone, fired!
307
00:11:29,367 --> 00:11:31,534
He was nothing but a big pink
weight on my shoulders,
308
00:11:31,601 --> 00:11:32,634
and we're better off
without him.
309
00:11:32,701 --> 00:11:34,200
If you say so.
310
00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:36,868
How's the case going
without him?
311
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:38,033
Case? What case?
312
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,467
Oh, right! The case.
313
00:11:39,534 --> 00:11:43,467
I was just about to put it
to bed-- along with the client.
314
00:11:43,534 --> 00:11:45,968
The kind of joke
he probably enjoyed telling
315
00:11:46,033 --> 00:11:48,300
when Cornfed was around.
316
00:11:48,367 --> 00:11:49,901
Hey, maybe it's time
for you two hairballs
317
00:11:49,968 --> 00:11:51,100
to do something around here
318
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:52,801
besides irritating
the hell out of me.
319
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:54,000
You want our help?
320
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,701
On a case?
321
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:57,033
Let's start with
a couple of questions--
322
00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:00,067
not that I don't already know
the answers. I do.
323
00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:01,901
I just want to, you know,
see how you're thinking.
324
00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:04,834
Suppose you're the chairman
of a large...
325
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:07,734
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Chairperson.
326
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:10,267
Suppose you're the chairperson
of a large corporation
327
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:11,734
that makes meat on a stick...
328
00:12:11,801 --> 00:12:13,133
Oh, Mr. Duckman!
329
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,834
We couldn't support
the killing
330
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,200
of animals for food.
331
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:19,400
Nor the senseless slaughter
of trees for sticks.
332
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,767
Okay. You're the chairpeople
of a large
333
00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:24,000
environmentally friendly
corporation
334
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,934
that produces wholesome apples.
335
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,701
Now, you're supposed to prove
336
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:29,934
that someone died
of natural causes.
337
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,200
What would you do?
338
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:33,367
Are the apples
free-range
339
00:12:33,434 --> 00:12:34,601
or are they grown
in captivity?
340
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:37,067
(screaming)
341
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:43,400
So, Mr. Cornfed, I understand
342
00:12:43,467 --> 00:12:45,367
you recently joined
the unemployed.
343
00:12:45,434 --> 00:12:47,534
What makes you think
we'd have an opening here?
344
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,567
(screaming)
345
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:50,734
(crashing)
346
00:12:50,801 --> 00:12:51,767
Wild guess.
347
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:52,868
Do you have a resume?
348
00:12:52,934 --> 00:12:55,601
I just threw it together
this morning.
349
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:59,100
Hmm. I see you were a member
of the Irish Parliament.
350
00:12:59,167 --> 00:12:59,868
Sure and begorra.
351
00:12:59,934 --> 00:13:01,000
And under your interests,
352
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,033
you list origami.
353
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:03,434
What exactly is that?
354
00:13:03,501 --> 00:13:04,234
Got a matchbook?
355
00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:09,534
Impressive, but do you know
anything about mail?
356
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:13,234
Hmm. Postal worker
in rural China,
357
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:14,801
avid stamp collector,
358
00:13:14,868 --> 00:13:17,234
author, So You Want to Bea Mailman.
359
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:20,133
Well, Mr. Cornfed,
when can you start?
360
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,200
No time like the present.
361
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:22,734
Could I use the rest room first?
362
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:23,834
Sure, you can't miss it.
363
00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:25,501
Make a right
at the cow bones grinding
364
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:27,133
and marrow extraction room,
a quick left
365
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,300
at the chicken-squeezing,
ovum-cracking pit,
366
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,634
and then a sharp circle
'round the gobstopper
367
00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:33,100
and gizzard suction chamber.
368
00:13:34,033 --> 00:13:35,467
I'll hold it in.
369
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:36,901
Sure, you're starting
at the bottom,
370
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:38,834
but like in every big
corporation,
371
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,934
some of our most promising
executives-to-be
372
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,968
are working right here
in the mail room.
373
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:44,934
Your job is just to sort
the mail,
374
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,634
if you can hold onto it.
375
00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:50,834
Got any napkins?
376
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:51,934
Napkins?!
377
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,100
That's brilliant!
378
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:54,100
Napkins.
379
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,434
Great idea.
Yeah, napkins.
380
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,767
Mr. Cornfed,
you're going places here.
381
00:13:57,834 --> 00:14:00,100
In fact, next opening we get,
you're moving out
382
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:01,534
of this mail room.
383
00:14:08,834 --> 00:14:10,334
Surprise!
384
00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:13,434
(cheering and applause)
385
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:25,334
(applause)
386
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,234
Hell of a first day, Corny.
387
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,267
Glad to be aboard, Bob.
388
00:14:35,434 --> 00:14:36,667
What?
389
00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:38,934
I start all
my investigations here.
390
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:42,234
(sighs)
391
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:44,300
Hey, someone here
might know something.
392
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,767
Hey, the case
is almost solved.
393
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:47,934
So I'm nine months behind.
394
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,801
Didn't you ever
hear of a grace period?
395
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:54,534
(grunting painfully)
396
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:56,901
Stop! Hey!
397
00:14:58,167 --> 00:14:59,434
Gee, Mr.Duckman,
398
00:14:59,501 --> 00:15:02,100
I don't think you're
ever going to prove
399
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:03,501
that woman innocent.
400
00:15:03,567 --> 00:15:05,767
I'll bet it would help
401
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:07,901
if Cornfed
were here.
402
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,534
We now return
to the USA premiere movie...
403
00:15:16,601 --> 00:15:19,434
We heard about Cornfed.
404
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,667
I'll bet you laughed
when they shot Old Yeller,
405
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:24,968
clapped when
Bambi's mother died,
406
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:28,868
cheered when Danny Bonaduce
got busted.
407
00:15:28,934 --> 00:15:33,267
All I can say is
what you did really stinks.
408
00:15:33,334 --> 00:15:34,601
(breaks wind)
409
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:00,901
(grunts)
410
00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:04,133
I am sensing
you're in a... predicament.
411
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,467
Get me out of these.
412
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:07,767
(yells)
413
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,200
I am sensing
you're in pain.
414
00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:11,968
Look, I'm desperate.
I got nowhere else to turn.
415
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:14,267
I can't crack this case.
416
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:16,167
I've crawled through the bowels
of this vermin-infested city
417
00:16:16,234 --> 00:16:17,701
searching for the answer.
418
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:19,000
I've hit rock bottom.
419
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:21,501
I can't think about anything
else except this!
420
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:22,767
These things free?
421
00:16:22,834 --> 00:16:25,534
They're a dime, but it
goes to the rain forest.
422
00:16:25,601 --> 00:16:26,734
(spits)
I owe them a nickel.
423
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:27,901
So you need a clue.
424
00:16:27,968 --> 00:16:29,133
Have a seat.
425
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,734
This will cost you $20.
426
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:31,834
Here, anything for some help.
427
00:16:31,901 --> 00:16:34,067
In that case,
I meant 25.
428
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:36,934
I know what
the real problem is,
429
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,968
but we'll have to go
back into your past
430
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:40,267
to find the solution.
431
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:49,033
(grunting)
432
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:53,467
No, that's not it.
433
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:56,901
Psst! Boys, boys.
434
00:16:56,968 --> 00:16:59,234
If you want
the prophet Cornfed,
435
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,300
he'll be over
at the garden--
436
00:17:01,367 --> 00:17:02,601
you know, Gethsemane.
437
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:03,734
Hey, everybody,
438
00:17:03,801 --> 00:17:06,734
look at this water
I turned into wine.
439
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:07,968
CROWD:
Ooh, wow.
440
00:17:08,033 --> 00:17:09,367
No, that's not it.
441
00:17:09,434 --> 00:17:12,467
(grunting)
442
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:14,334
(panting)
443
00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:19,968
Hey, everyone,
444
00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:22,300
look what I pulled
out of the stone.
445
00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:23,400
(crowd cheering)
446
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,634
That's not it either.
447
00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:26,601
I think we're searching
for something
448
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:28,000
in your present life.
449
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:30,367
Hey, I don't care if you are
just working here
450
00:17:30,434 --> 00:17:33,133
till you graduate
from astronaut school
and orbit that planet.
451
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,067
Everyone knows
a baker's dozen is 13.
452
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:37,000
Duck.
Moron!
453
00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:38,701
No, I mean "duck."
454
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,167
You, you took
a bullet for me?
455
00:17:44,234 --> 00:17:46,734
It's all right.
I've got another kidney.
456
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:47,667
Who are you?
457
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,734
The name's Cornfed.
458
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:49,934
Well, I'm Duckman.
459
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,601
Want to be my partner?
460
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,100
Sure. If I don't die.
461
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,467
Ooh, that smarts.
462
00:17:54,534 --> 00:17:56,400
You're not going to die!
You're not going to die!
463
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,634
I'll get you to the hospital
if it's the last thing I do.
464
00:17:58,701 --> 00:17:59,801
I won't think
about anything else
465
00:17:59,868 --> 00:18:01,267
till I know you're all right.
466
00:18:01,334 --> 00:18:02,901
These things free?
467
00:18:02,968 --> 00:18:04,033
(groans)
468
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:08,567
(choking)
469
00:18:16,934 --> 00:18:20,067
Oh, well,
there's always dialysis.
470
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,400
Three times!
He didn't even know you
471
00:18:22,467 --> 00:18:24,701
and he saved your life
three times!
472
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,801
Yeah, I...
vaguely remember that.
473
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,067
He's a good person,
isn't he?
474
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,934
The way he never thinks
of himself--
475
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,601
always puts others first.
476
00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:33,367
He is better
than me.
477
00:18:33,434 --> 00:18:35,367
That's why I did what I did--
I'm jealous.
478
00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:37,734
I shouldn't feel that way
about my best friend.
479
00:18:37,801 --> 00:18:39,901
I should be thankful
he is my friend.
480
00:18:39,968 --> 00:18:41,968
I should get down on my knees
and thank my lucky stars
481
00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:44,200
that a person like Cornfed is
even in my life,
482
00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:46,400
which, at the moment, he isn't.
483
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:49,300
I got to go find him
and do anything I can
to get him back.
484
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,167
Oh, what a magical,
mysterious find you are.
485
00:18:52,234 --> 00:18:56,100
There's truly nothing else
like you in the entire universe.
486
00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:58,901
Oops.
487
00:18:58,968 --> 00:19:01,567
Just wondered if the
ball knew where he was.
488
00:19:03,701 --> 00:19:06,067
Excuse me, Mrs. Ree,
Bob's left on his vacation.
489
00:19:06,133 --> 00:19:08,467
I need you to sign
these productivity reports.
490
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:09,467
Come in.
491
00:19:09,534 --> 00:19:10,801
You're here awfully late.
492
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:12,334
Insomnia.
493
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,067
Ought to stop by my place--
try it with me sometime.
494
00:19:19,334 --> 00:19:21,968
Odd. Take a look at the
signature you just gave me.
495
00:19:22,033 --> 00:19:23,934
Now, take a look
at the signature
496
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,000
on your trout fishing license.
497
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,501
Clearly, not the same.
498
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:28,734
However, note the resemblance
499
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:31,167
between this signature
and Bob Heiny's.
500
00:19:31,234 --> 00:19:32,834
Those signatures look
nothing alike.
501
00:19:32,901 --> 00:19:34,501
Maybe not to the untrained eye,
502
00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:35,968
but I graduated
first in my class
503
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:39,234
from the John Hancock
Institute of Graphology.
504
00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:43,300
My, my, seems your Heiny's
in a sling, Bob.
505
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:47,167
You deep-sixed
the old man
506
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,400
and set up his dame as a patsy,
507
00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:49,834
knowing the minute he was tucked
in with a shovel,
508
00:19:49,901 --> 00:19:52,067
she'd take a powder to Rio
and you could disguise yourself
509
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:53,601
as her and take over
the business.
510
00:19:53,667 --> 00:19:55,934
I just have to know, Bob--
was it the bloodlust,
511
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,701
was it the power,
was it the money?
512
00:19:57,767 --> 00:19:59,267
Actually,
I just wanted to be her--
513
00:19:59,334 --> 00:20:01,434
wear her clothes,
put on her makeup,
514
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:04,367
set free the girlish passion
that was dying for a voice.
515
00:20:04,434 --> 00:20:05,467
That was my next guess.
516
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:06,734
Didn't count on
an undercover pig
517
00:20:06,801 --> 00:20:08,601
being on me
like pee on a bum's shoes.
518
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:09,701
What gave it away?
519
00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,067
The lavender handbag.
520
00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:13,000
Val has better
fashion sense than that.
521
00:20:15,601 --> 00:20:16,267
You win, Heiny.
522
00:20:16,334 --> 00:20:17,634
One last smoke?
523
00:20:17,701 --> 00:20:20,067
You know, smoking can be deadly.
524
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:21,167
So can origami.
525
00:20:21,234 --> 00:20:23,167
(speaking gibberish Japanese)
526
00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:23,901
What's that mean?
527
00:20:23,968 --> 00:20:25,300
Let's get physical.
528
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:39,534
Sayonara, Cornfed.
529
00:20:39,601 --> 00:20:40,534
Corny!
530
00:20:40,601 --> 00:20:42,767
Thank God, I fou..!
531
00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:47,100
(machinery starts)
532
00:20:54,234 --> 00:20:56,167
Duckman, you saved my life.
533
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:57,167
Yeah, well...
534
00:20:57,234 --> 00:20:58,667
about time I paid you back.
535
00:20:58,734 --> 00:21:01,067
Listen, Corny, old boy,
you and I have
536
00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:02,868
sort of a history
together, and, well...
537
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:04,534
what I'm trying
to say is...
538
00:21:04,601 --> 00:21:06,133
You want me back.
539
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,501
But not at the salary
I was paying you.
540
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:09,901
After all, you did
run out on me.
541
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:11,634
I had to crack
this case by myself.
542
00:21:11,701 --> 00:21:13,167
Whatever you say,
Duckman.
543
00:21:13,234 --> 00:21:14,501
By the way, someone who knew
you were feeling bad
544
00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:16,567
about things
told me to remind you
545
00:21:16,634 --> 00:21:18,133
that there are a lot of ways
546
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,434
one person can be
better than another,
547
00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:21,834
like in providing a home away
from home for a partner,
548
00:21:21,901 --> 00:21:23,734
and in being
the best father you know how.
549
00:21:23,801 --> 00:21:24,567
Who told you that?
550
00:21:24,634 --> 00:21:26,834
Your kids.
39674
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