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1
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:11,000
(whistling)
2
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:37,434
(quacks)
3
00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:46,868
(splats)
4
00:00:46,901 --> 00:00:48,133
(screaming)
5
00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:50,000
DUCKMAN:
Oh, my God! I didn't mean to.
6
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,367
I've soiled the centerfold.
7
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,334
Ruined, Cornfed--
8
00:00:54,367 --> 00:00:56,334
the work of all
those dedicated
professionals
9
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:59,033
coming together to
capture a natural woman
at an unguarded moment.
10
00:00:59,067 --> 00:01:00,634
Interesting use of a spatula.
11
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:03,734
Ah, she's perfect, Corny.
Can you imagine having
a woman like that?
12
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:06,000
They're overrated, Duckman.
I dated a model once.
13
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:08,200
You're kidding!
Lingerie?
14
00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:10,467
Corrective footwear.
But they're all the same.
15
00:01:10,501 --> 00:01:12,133
The look promises a night of
comparing hard-to-find
16
00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:14,167
birthmarks and a hot bubble
bath, but all you get
17
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,167
is a slap in the face
and a cold shower.
18
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,000
How hard a slap?
19
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:19,334
The letters are a hoot, though.
20
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:21,334
I'm constantly amazed
that some pathetic loser
21
00:01:21,367 --> 00:01:23,067
is so desperate
that he'd write
22
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,100
a publication like
this for advice.
23
00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:26,667
(laughing)
24
00:01:26,701 --> 00:01:27,968
Can you believe it?
25
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,667
Look at this one.
"Dear editor, I can't get a date
26
00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:32,000
"and I don't know why.
27
00:01:32,033 --> 00:01:33,634
"I'm so hard up
that I've started collecting
28
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,000
"Swedish magazines,
29
00:01:35,033 --> 00:01:36,267
"nude volleyball videos
30
00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:37,534
"and inflatable
meter maid dolls.
31
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:38,767
"Any advice?
32
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:41,334
Signed, a middle-aged
duck detective."
(gulps)
33
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,567
(horn honks)
34
00:01:42,601 --> 00:01:44,634
I wonder where I put
that stapler.
Wait a minute.
35
00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:46,234
You think that's me?
36
00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:48,534
There must be a million
middle-aged duck
detectives out there.
37
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,667
This is just one
of those crazy
coincidences.
38
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:52,200
(groaning)
39
00:01:52,234 --> 00:01:53,501
(squeaks)
40
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:56,067
DOLL:
Red zone.
You've been a bad boy.
41
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:59,501
(chuckles) The things the former
owners left in these closets.
42
00:01:59,534 --> 00:02:01,868
Okay, so I've been a little...
inactive
43
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,033
since, you know, Beatrice died.
44
00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:05,367
I've been wanting
to jump back in lately.
45
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,901
Women just haven't been...
responding to me.
46
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:09,667
But it's a big world, Corny.
47
00:02:09,701 --> 00:02:11,901
There's a lot
of possibilities out there.
48
00:02:11,934 --> 00:02:13,133
It's only a matter of time
49
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,968
before good luck's
going to come my way.
50
00:02:17,234 --> 00:02:18,567
(unzips fly)
51
00:02:34,801 --> 00:02:37,734
WOMAN:
Dr. Forest, dial 118, please.
52
00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:40,033
Dr. Forest, please dial...
53
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,267
Oops. Wrong thermometer,
isn't it?
54
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,434
(sultry female voice):
What the hell's going on?
55
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:47,734
Where am I, and what the hell
happened to my voice?
56
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,834
You can't talk,
so I installed Mr. Tracheotomy.
57
00:02:50,868 --> 00:02:52,968
It must be on
the wrong setting.
58
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,133
Well, I don't give a...
59
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,434
...flying leap through a...
60
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,200
...rolling doughnut what you
installed, or what...
61
00:02:57,234 --> 00:02:58,367
...setting it's on.
62
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,133
I just want
my own damn voice back!
63
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:01,567
Oh.
64
00:03:01,601 --> 00:03:03,801
You know,
while I'm fixing your bill,
65
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,767
I could make some adjustments.
66
00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:08,534
Judging by your x-rays,
it is a tad on the small side.
67
00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:10,000
S-S-S...
68
00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:13,934
Small?! I've seen plenty of guys
with smaller bills than me.
69
00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:16,334
Not that, you know, I look
at other guys'... bills.
70
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:17,767
Suit yourself.
71
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:20,167
I'm sure there are women who
respond to a smaller bill.
72
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,534
(giggles)
73
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:23,834
As soon as we get the okay
from your insurance company,
74
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,100
we'll get you fixed right up.
75
00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:26,467
(phone rings)
76
00:03:26,501 --> 00:03:29,033
Bayou Bill's
Gumbo and Insurance.
77
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:30,868
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
78
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:33,133
Was the thermos full or empty?
79
00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:34,601
Nope, not covered.
80
00:03:34,634 --> 00:03:38,534
(screams) Get off me,
sphincter face!
81
00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:40,367
(grunts)
82
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,667
(engine revving)
83
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:42,968
Cornfed...
84
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,734
do you think
I'm attractive?
85
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:45,834
Sorry, Duckman,
86
00:03:45,868 --> 00:03:47,901
I don't date
people I work with.
87
00:03:47,934 --> 00:03:50,634
No, Spam for brains,
do you think there's
anything wrong with my bill?
88
00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:53,567
You mean the fact that
it curves to one side,
the nostrils don't match,
89
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,467
it's covered with
nicotine stains,
90
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:56,968
acne scars,
varicose veins
91
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,734
and it whistles
when you chew?
92
00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:01,000
I mean, no,
nothing I can see.
93
00:04:02,133 --> 00:04:03,534
Ow.
94
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:04,934
Ow.
95
00:04:04,968 --> 00:04:06,334
Ow.
96
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:08,100
Hey, Dad,
you're home late.
97
00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:09,234
Homely?
98
00:04:09,267 --> 00:04:11,100
My own flesh and blood
calls me homely.
99
00:04:11,133 --> 00:04:12,200
You know how that
makes me feel?
100
00:04:12,234 --> 00:04:13,968
It makes me feel
the way you must have felt
101
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,100
when the other kids
voted you the ugliest
kid in your class.
102
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,934
I can't believe
you'd call me homely.
103
00:04:17,968 --> 00:04:20,934
Actually, Dad, I said
you were home late.
104
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:23,234
Oh. You know, I think
that Blevins kid
105
00:04:23,267 --> 00:04:24,434
is uglier than you.
106
00:04:24,467 --> 00:04:25,601
Thanks, Dad.
107
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:27,534
Ow.
108
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:30,300
Hey, uh... kids...
109
00:04:30,334 --> 00:04:32,200
uh, let me ask you something.
110
00:04:32,234 --> 00:04:34,534
Do you think
your old man's attractive?
111
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,300
(laughing)
112
00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:43,534
(laughing)
113
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,467
(whooshing)
(grunting)
114
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,067
Bernice.
115
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,868
I want your honest opinion.
116
00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:52,734
Do you think I'm attractive?
117
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:53,901
I could answer that,
118
00:04:53,934 --> 00:04:55,901
but that would mean having to
look at you.
119
00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:57,634
(groans)
120
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:06,300
(grunts)
I need some air.
121
00:05:09,234 --> 00:05:10,234
(remote control clicks)
122
00:05:10,267 --> 00:05:12,133
Are you insecure
about your looks?
123
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:13,968
Why would I be insecure
about my looks?
124
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,734
So you're defensive.
Maybe a little
125
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:17,234
Do your friends
think you're ugly?
126
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,734
Yep.
How about your family?
127
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:19,901
Check.
Co-workers?
128
00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:21,234
Affirmative.
Blind people?
129
00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:22,567
Uh-huh.
Side show freaks?
130
00:05:22,601 --> 00:05:24,033
And how!
People whose faces
have been
131
00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:26,334
mangled in industrial accidents?
Bingo!
132
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:27,901
That's because you are,
133
00:05:27,934 --> 00:05:31,133
and nobody likes ugly people--
not in our society.
134
00:05:31,167 --> 00:05:32,434
Not in any society.
135
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:34,534
So there's only one thing to do.
136
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,734
Take your own life.
137
00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:38,667
(Levine chuckling)
138
00:05:38,701 --> 00:05:39,901
No, I'm kidding.
139
00:05:39,934 --> 00:05:41,734
Well, now there's a cure
for ugliness.
140
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,567
Through the magic
of cosmetic surgery,
141
00:05:43,601 --> 00:05:45,634
I can help you become
the beautiful person
142
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:46,868
you deserve to be.
143
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:49,534
Come on in for a fanny tuck,
chin cleft,
144
00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:53,067
maybe even a bill extension,
and don't wait too long.
145
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:54,968
No one wants
to be old and ugly.
146
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,434
Mention this ad, and get ten
minutes of free liposuction.
147
00:05:58,467 --> 00:06:00,400
LEVINE:
Bill extension, bill extensionbill extension.
148
00:06:00,434 --> 00:06:02,868
DUCKMAN:
Women just haven'tbeen responding to me.
149
00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,767
DOCTOR:
It is a tad on the small side.
150
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:06,434
(Charles and Mambo laughing)
151
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,300
CORNFED: Nostrils don't match.Small side.
152
00:06:08,334 --> 00:06:09,334
Women just haven't been res...
153
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:10,534
Nostrils don't match.Small side...
154
00:06:10,567 --> 00:06:12,400
(laughter)
155
00:06:12,434 --> 00:06:14,567
(echoing):
...women just haven'tbeen responding to me.
156
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,701
*
157
00:06:16,734 --> 00:06:19,434
* What's the ugliest *
158
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:24,133
* Part of your body?
159
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:27,634
* What's the ugliest part... *
160
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,200
Hi, I'm Dr. Levine.
161
00:06:29,234 --> 00:06:30,534
You must be Duckman.
162
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:31,868
Doc, can you help me?
163
00:06:31,901 --> 00:06:33,067
Oh, of course I can.
164
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,601
Put this bag
on your head
165
00:06:34,634 --> 00:06:36,367
and pray
it doesn't blow off.
166
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,534
Just kidding.
167
00:06:37,567 --> 00:06:38,634
(laughing)
168
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:40,701
Whoa, whoa! Duck...
169
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,701
Step into my office.
170
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:49,968
(clattering)
171
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,300
Mr. Duckman, one look and
I can see why you're here.
172
00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:54,868
Pec implants.
No, I...
173
00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:56,200
Those massive
eye wrinkles.
174
00:06:56,234 --> 00:06:57,968
Well, I...
Butt lift?
175
00:06:58,033 --> 00:06:59,801
Look!
That unsightly flab
around the...
176
00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:00,834
I want a bill job!
177
00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:02,501
Had to be.
The rest is perfect.
178
00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:04,033
Shot in the dark.
Kind of guy
179
00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:05,968
who wants to see the most
expensive models, right?
180
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:10,000
This first one's
the Air Stream.
Tends to flap a little,
181
00:07:10,033 --> 00:07:13,601
but it is heat resistant,
and doubles as a lawn chair
for outdoor sporting events.
182
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,634
The Longfellow. Real Corinthian
leather, easy to patch.
183
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:18,767
We recommend dry cleaning
after Italian dinners.
184
00:07:18,801 --> 00:07:21,501
Oh, uh... and, of course,
there is the Magnum,
185
00:07:21,534 --> 00:07:24,067
but between you and me, I'm
afraid it's a bit more
186
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:25,501
than most people can handle,
187
00:07:25,534 --> 00:07:27,133
what with all
those beautiful women
188
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:30,000
wanting to fondle it
in public places and such.
I can handle it.
189
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,601
Give me the Magnum, please,
please, please, please!
190
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:33,567
Wow.
191
00:07:33,601 --> 00:07:35,934
Oh, this is just a contract
with a little paragraph
192
00:07:35,968 --> 00:07:38,000
saying the bill may cause cancer
kidney failure,
193
00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:39,434
blindness, deafness and
dandruff.
194
00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:41,534
Dandruff?
Comes with a
special low-cost shampoo.
195
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:42,501
Sold!
196
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:46,767
(screaming)
197
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:53,534
Morning, Fluffy, Uranus.
198
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:54,868
Notice anything different?
199
00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:56,234
Did you get new glasses?
200
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,234
Lose weight?
201
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:58,234
FLUFFY:
Comb your hair?
202
00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:00,234
No, you little road apples!
I got a new bill!
203
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:01,601
Poor, misguided
Mr. Duckman.
204
00:08:01,634 --> 00:08:04,167
You don't need
to mutilate your
body just to meet
205
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,601
some vain standard of
superficial attractiveness.
206
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:09,167
FLUFFY: We look
past all that
207
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,667
to see
your inner beauty.
208
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:12,934
Mm-hmm... time to see
your inner beauty.
209
00:08:12,968 --> 00:08:14,767
(both gasp)
210
00:08:14,801 --> 00:08:15,767
(clears throat)
211
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:17,200
Fine-looking honker, Duckman.
212
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:18,501
Oh, you noticed, huh?
213
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:20,167
I don't know why I didn't see it
before, Corny.
214
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,400
This is the reason
I haven't been
215
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,601
getting a second look
from the babes.
216
00:08:22,634 --> 00:08:23,701
It's what's outside
that counts.
217
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:25,734
Women are still after
the same darn thing.
218
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:27,934
Someone who leaves
the toilet seat down?
219
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,634
Looks! Like that stewardess you
used to date.
220
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:31,267
You two wouldn't have been
smacking the sheets
221
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,501
if she thought you were a mud
fence, am I right?
222
00:08:33,534 --> 00:08:35,834
Actually,
we never quite went all the way.
223
00:08:35,868 --> 00:08:38,400
What? You went with
her for over a year.
How far did you get?
224
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:39,868
She hugged me
when we broke up.
225
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:41,367
What about the
aerobics instructor?
Nope.
226
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,167
The hairdresser?
Golf instructor?
Nope. Nope.
227
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,868
The heiress?
Crossing guard?
Nope. Nope.
228
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:46,467
Synchronized swimmer?
The ice sculptor?
Nope. Nope.
229
00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:47,701
The ex-nun?
Nope.
230
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,434
How about when you got snowbound
in that cabin with
231
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:51,133
the nymphomaniac who wanted to
get back at her parents?
232
00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:52,634
Second base.
233
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,133
There's something
you should know, Duckman.
234
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:56,601
I never told you because I'm a
little sensitive about it.
235
00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:57,801
I'm a virgin.
236
00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:01,767
(laughing hysterically)
237
00:09:04,734 --> 00:09:06,601
A virgin!
238
00:09:06,634 --> 00:09:07,934
Unbelievable!
239
00:09:07,968 --> 00:09:10,200
You?
240
00:09:10,234 --> 00:09:12,734
No insky-outsky.
241
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:14,300
No boffarino!
242
00:09:14,334 --> 00:09:18,834
Never nailed the hammer
on the head! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
243
00:09:18,868 --> 00:09:20,701
(tittering)
244
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,234
Ready to get on
with your life now?
245
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:23,501
Ah, look, don't worry about it.
246
00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:24,968
This is the new
and improved Duckman.
247
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,300
I'll take you under my wing,
show you how it's done...
248
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:28,834
maybe even throw you
a few leftovers.
249
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:32,300
Just stand back. Watch a master
at the top of his game.
250
00:09:32,334 --> 00:09:34,234
(door opens and shuts)
251
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:35,667
I'm Fantine.
252
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,334
And I'm Cosette.
253
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:40,367
We've been celibate for a year,
254
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,467
and we need you
to go out with us.
255
00:09:44,467 --> 00:09:46,000
Don't worry.
We'll pay you.
256
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,534
FANTINE:
We can't trust men.
257
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,334
We've always had
trouble finding any
258
00:09:57,367 --> 00:09:59,767
who will appreciate us
for more than our looks.
259
00:09:59,801 --> 00:10:01,801
No matter what we do,
they just see us
260
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,734
as objects
of their sexual fantasies.
261
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:06,100
And we need to find out
what we're doing wrong.
262
00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,334
You have a cookie crumb
on your left breast.
263
00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:11,100
There's a little piece
of chocolate on yours.
264
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,667
(women giggling)
265
00:10:12,701 --> 00:10:14,934
(stammering)
266
00:10:14,968 --> 00:10:15,934
Come in. Come in.
267
00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:17,300
I'm Duckman
and this is hooters...
268
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:20,234
I mean, Cornfed.
This is Cornfed.
269
00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,300
Sorry,
just a little horny... tired!
270
00:10:22,334 --> 00:10:23,367
Tired this morning.
271
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,868
A little tired.
Can we get you anything?
272
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:28,367
A "d" cup of coffee?
A cup of decaf?
273
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,133
COSETTE:
We're practically bursting
274
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:32,634
to start dating again, but we're
afraid we'll attract
275
00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:35,868
the kind of man who made us stop
in the first place.
276
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,033
So we want you
to investigate us.
277
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:39,734
Tell us how to change
278
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,901
before we attract someone
we might regret.
279
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,200
All you have to do
is watch us closely.
280
00:10:44,234 --> 00:10:45,534
Tell us
what we're doing
281
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,701
that makes men
focus on our bodies
282
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:48,968
rather than our minds.
283
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,434
FANTINE:
Ooh, I dropped my earring.
284
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:52,667
Oh, there it is.
285
00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:55,300
(screams)
286
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:58,167
We just want to be appreciated
for the right things.
287
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,601
You must know
what it's like.
288
00:10:59,634 --> 00:11:02,667
People probably come on to
you because of your bill.
289
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:05,300
I'll bet some people even
ask if it's real.
290
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:07,467
Don't you hate that?
Oh, the nerve.
291
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:11,534
Well, off to give each other
a full-body hot oil massage.
292
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:13,400
If you're interested
in the case,
293
00:11:13,434 --> 00:11:14,667
meet us
at this address.
294
00:11:14,701 --> 00:11:16,868
Say 7:00-ish?
295
00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:18,167
Your skirt is clinging.
296
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,534
Oh, and you have some
of those lint balls again.
297
00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,601
(giggling)
(door opens and shuts)
298
00:11:22,634 --> 00:11:24,133
We, uh... we can't go.
299
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:25,634
I'm sorry.
It must be the new bill.
300
00:11:25,667 --> 00:11:27,334
I thought you said,
"We can't go."
301
00:11:27,367 --> 00:11:28,868
I did.
We're knee-deep in real cases.
302
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:31,634
We can't just drop our heavy
workload and go out on a date.
303
00:11:34,667 --> 00:11:37,000
Well, you never know what'll
come up when we're gone.
304
00:11:37,033 --> 00:11:38,400
Duckman, we have to go.
305
00:11:38,434 --> 00:11:40,467
I need to learn
how to awaken
the sexual beast
306
00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:42,400
that lies dormant
in every woman's soul
307
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:44,267
waiting to transform her
into a lusting creature
308
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,701
of unbridled passion...
309
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,467
pulling at me,
tugging at me,
310
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:52,534
yelling, "Take me, Cornfed!
Make me your love slave!"
311
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,300
You know,
that sort of thing.
312
00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:56,267
I said no, Cornfed!
313
00:11:58,367 --> 00:11:59,667
Chicken.
Virgin.
314
00:11:59,701 --> 00:12:00,901
Chicken.
Virgin.
315
00:12:00,934 --> 00:12:02,200
Chicken, chicken,
chicken, chicken!
316
00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,300
Virgin, virgin,
virgin, virgin!
317
00:12:03,334 --> 00:12:04,300
Chicken.
Virgin.
318
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:05,501
Chicken.
Virgin.
319
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:07,267
Ooh... virgin...
Chicken, chicken,
chicken...
320
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,601
(squawking)
321
00:12:08,634 --> 00:12:11,000
Virgo! Virgo!
Chicken...
322
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:13,667
All right, look... I don't want
to hear another word about it!
323
00:12:13,701 --> 00:12:15,467
We're not going,
and that's that!
324
00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:20,667
Get these things off of me!
325
00:12:20,701 --> 00:12:23,834
Duckman, you think the women
will be able to tell
I'm not experienced?
326
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:25,267
Oh, will you shut up?
327
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,367
No one can tell
by just looking.
328
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,300
ANNOUNCER:
Next up on the first hole--
virgin plus three.
329
00:12:31,434 --> 00:12:32,467
COSETTE:
Hi, Corny.
330
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:33,467
Hi, Duckman.
331
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:35,601
(speaking gibberish)
332
00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:38,100
We thought the burlap sacks
would be a good idea.
333
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,801
Men always seem to respond
to our outward appearance.
334
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:43,334
So we didn't
want to dress like sex objects.
335
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,434
(both screaming)
336
00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:56,701
(bell rings twice)
337
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,634
Since we've been hired to
observe your behavior,
338
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,767
the concept of men always
allowing women to go first
339
00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:03,200
tends to reinforce the notion
of helpless playthings.
340
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:05,901
Ooh, he's perceptive.
Ooh, he's perceptive.
341
00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:17,300
Mini golf put me
through dental school.
342
00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:19,300
Duckman, I guess you're next.
343
00:13:19,334 --> 00:13:23,801
(speaking gibberish)
344
00:13:23,834 --> 00:13:25,767
(air horn blaring)
345
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,534
Here, let me help
steady your putter.
346
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:37,000
Uh-oh, my chest is rubbing
against your back.
347
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:40,400
Oh, that probably gets you
thinking about our bodies again,
348
00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:41,434
doesn't it?
349
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:46,601
(shrieking)
350
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:47,601
Is it my turn?
351
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:49,901
(speaking gibberish)
352
00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:55,133
Oh, I've got a cramp in my neck.
353
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,300
Duckman, can you rub it for me?
354
00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:03,634
I can't take it!
355
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:06,868
(screaming hysterically)
356
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,067
Ah, sorry about last night.
357
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,400
I forgot
all about that appointment
358
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:17,801
with my periodontist.
359
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,133
Miss anything?
360
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:20,367
We went back
to their house.
361
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,934
Their house?!
Details, give me details.
362
00:14:22,968 --> 00:14:25,968
A-frame, 2 1/2 baths,
exposed brick fireplace...
363
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,634
No, you idiot! What happened?
364
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,634
We played Twister. I lost.
365
00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:30,968
(chuckling)
366
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,467
Beyond that...
367
00:14:32,501 --> 00:14:34,133
I am a gentleman.
368
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:35,767
(chuckles)
369
00:14:35,801 --> 00:14:38,400
If you'll excuse me I'm off
to help Cosette and Fantine
370
00:14:38,434 --> 00:14:40,100
learn why men focus
on their bodies
371
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:42,300
while they sponge-wash
their car in cut-offs.
372
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:44,033
(chuckling)
373
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:46,167
(door opens and closes)
374
00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:57,601
I need some air.
375
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,601
Thought cosmetic surgery
was the answer, didn't you?
376
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:11,100
Well, it wasn't,
you insignificant worm.
377
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:14,234
If you want the real answer
come in and see me.
378
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:17,100
I'll teach your problems
the meaning of discipline.
379
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,734
(whip cracks)
380
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:21,133
ANNOUNCER:
Mention this ad for two minutes
of free body piercing.
381
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:23,100
DUCKMAN:
Women just haven't beenresponding to me.
382
00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:24,767
CORNFED:
Chicken...
383
00:15:24,801 --> 00:15:26,667
COSETTE:
Here, let me helpsteady your putter.
384
00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:28,300
DUCKMAN:
...imagine havinga woman like that?
385
00:15:28,334 --> 00:15:29,634
(Cosette and Fantine giggling)
386
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,133
No way! This time
I'm not going to do something
387
00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:33,667
just because a commercial
tells me to.
388
00:15:33,701 --> 00:15:34,934
Yes, you are!
389
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:36,767
(whip cracks)
(gasps)
390
00:15:36,801 --> 00:15:38,801
* Give me
391
00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:41,601
* Your dirty love
392
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,133
NINA:
That's all for today,
Mr. Cooper.
393
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:45,501
You're making
admirable progress.
394
00:15:45,534 --> 00:15:47,834
You, duck, you're next!
395
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:49,868
I don't know about this.
It's kind of hard
396
00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:51,367
telling my problems
to a woman.
397
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,501
Don't worry.
I used to be a man.
398
00:15:53,534 --> 00:15:55,300
Here, lie down on this!
399
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:57,234
(groans)
400
00:15:57,267 --> 00:15:59,534
Spill it.
This isn't nap time.
401
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,133
Well, I've been having
some problems.
402
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:03,434
Just a second.
403
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:07,067
(bleating, barking, oinking,
growling and cackling)
404
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,334
Okay, so you have some problems.
405
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:10,501
With women, actually.
406
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,000
You're not
sexually active?
407
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:13,400
I'm very sexually active.
408
00:16:13,434 --> 00:16:14,667
With another person.
409
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:16,234
Oh. Uh... no.
410
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:19,400
Ah, I know exactly
what this calls for.
411
00:16:19,434 --> 00:16:21,200
(ticking)
NINA:
You're getting sleepy.
412
00:16:21,234 --> 00:16:23,300
No, I'm not.
413
00:16:23,334 --> 00:16:24,567
Now?
414
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:25,834
Not really.
415
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:26,834
Oh!
416
00:16:26,868 --> 00:16:28,634
Let's try the watch again.
417
00:16:35,634 --> 00:16:37,200
Where the hell am I?
418
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:39,400
NINA:
You're going into your psyche.
419
00:16:39,434 --> 00:16:41,267
Everyone's psycheis like a house.
420
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,901
Some have a two-story colonial.
421
00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:44,367
Others have a countrycottage...
422
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,000
dependingon how your mind works.
423
00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:46,968
There's yours.
424
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,701
Wait. The psyche isvery difficult to understand.
425
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:55,601
Entering it can beanincredibly complex procedure.
426
00:16:55,634 --> 00:16:59,334
Of course, some are lesscomplex than others.
427
00:17:01,234 --> 00:17:03,000
Duckman, come back here!
428
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:07,000
Ah, looks like
the honeymoon suite
429
00:17:07,033 --> 00:17:08,901
where Beatrice and I stayed.
430
00:17:08,934 --> 00:17:10,567
A little more tasteful, maybe.
431
00:17:10,601 --> 00:17:12,400
Yoo-hoo, Ducky.
Yoo-hoo, Ducky.
432
00:17:12,434 --> 00:17:14,901
Wow. There they are,
just waiting for me
433
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,868
and I can't do
a thing about it.
434
00:17:16,901 --> 00:17:19,200
Hey! I don't have
to be scared anymore.
435
00:17:19,234 --> 00:17:20,534
This is my fantasy!
436
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:21,567
Yoo-hoo! Wa-haa!
437
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:22,567
Incoming!
438
00:17:22,601 --> 00:17:23,734
(groans)
439
00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:25,968
COSETTE:
Gee, Duckman,
we're sorry.
440
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,968
We didn't plan
for that to happen.
441
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,033
That's okay. Don't move. I'll
get a ladder, put on the tights,
442
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:33,400
be up there faster than you can
say "three-way circus."
443
00:17:33,434 --> 00:17:35,501
(grunting)
444
00:17:35,534 --> 00:17:37,701
Not working, huh?
I'd say the fantasy part
445
00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:40,501
of your psyche's been a little
overtaxed lately.
446
00:17:40,534 --> 00:17:43,334
FANTINE:
I think she's right.
After all, we've had
447
00:17:43,367 --> 00:17:45,200
a little experience
being in people's fantasies.
448
00:17:45,234 --> 00:17:46,501
(giggling)
(giggling)
449
00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:48,901
COSETTE:
And we've found
when unfulfilled realities
450
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:51,100
overtake
a libidinous subconscious...
451
00:17:51,133 --> 00:17:52,501
The disparity between the two
452
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:53,968
manifests in a breakdown
of the gestalt.
453
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,634
Huh?
No confidence.
454
00:17:55,667 --> 00:17:57,100
FANTINE:
You'd better go find it.
455
00:17:57,133 --> 00:17:59,200
Your fantasy will
never become reality
456
00:17:59,234 --> 00:18:00,834
until you get
your confidence back.
457
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:04,734
Okay. Couldn't we try just one
little somersault into my lap?
458
00:18:05,968 --> 00:18:08,167
NINA:
Maybe the trollops are right.
459
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,667
Confidence is the third dooron the left.
460
00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:14,167
(Owl hooting)
(birds' wings flapping)
461
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,367
(door creaks)
462
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,434
Hey, Dad, guess who's going
to take care of you
463
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:18,934
when you're old-- me.
464
00:18:18,968 --> 00:18:22,133
No!
465
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:23,334
(panting)
466
00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:25,501
Duckman, bubeleh,
come on in.
467
00:18:25,534 --> 00:18:27,133
I'll make you some soup.
468
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:29,334
I don't have time!
Fine, go.
469
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,133
What do you care
about anyone else?
470
00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:32,534
Play mini golf
with your floozies
471
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:34,200
and just leave
me here to die.
472
00:18:34,234 --> 00:18:35,467
(simpering voice):
Don't get her mad.
473
00:18:35,501 --> 00:18:36,701
Who said that?
474
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:38,501
I did. I'm your confidence.
475
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,834
You?
476
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:42,100
But you're puny,
you're scrawny, you're pathetic.
477
00:18:42,133 --> 00:18:44,133
(sobbing)
478
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,234
Snappy dresser, though.
479
00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:46,801
WOMAN:
You don't want
to know from him.
480
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,200
He's been beaten down
by your guilt.
481
00:18:48,234 --> 00:18:49,501
What do you know
about it?!
482
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:52,400
(roaring)
483
00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:53,934
I'm your guilt!
484
00:18:53,968 --> 00:18:55,334
(screaming)
485
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,834
Did you think you
could get away
with dating
486
00:18:57,868 --> 00:18:59,334
those other girls
behind your wife's back?
487
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:01,734
B-B-B-B-Beatrice has been
dead for a year and a half.
488
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:05,701
Maybe, but I'll be with you
for the rest of your life!
489
00:19:05,734 --> 00:19:08,033
(chain jangling)
CONFIDENCE: Don't worry.
I'll save you.
490
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:10,033
(grunting)
491
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:13,334
Or I could just wait over here
while you save yourself.
492
00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:15,167
(yelling)
493
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,567
Help!
494
00:19:16,601 --> 00:19:17,634
Somebody!
495
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:20,734
Can anybody help me?!
496
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:21,834
Duckman?
497
00:19:21,868 --> 00:19:24,067
I thought I heard you.
498
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,334
Beatrice? Is it really you?
499
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:27,901
Wow. You look great.
500
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,234
Did you lose weight?
501
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:31,501
Well, I am dead.
How are the kids?
502
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,701
Fine. Fine. Look...
This guilt is killing me.
503
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:36,067
Can't you ease off
just a little?
504
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:38,167
I'm not doing anything,
sweetheart.
505
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,501
This is your mind, remember?
506
00:19:39,534 --> 00:19:41,267
But the guilt is because of you.
507
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,534
I haven't, you know, seen anyone
since you died.
508
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:45,434
I didn't think you'd like it.
509
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,467
Duckman, thank you, but that
isn't any way to live your life.
510
00:19:48,501 --> 00:19:50,501
Remember staking out that vendor
at the parade
511
00:19:50,534 --> 00:19:53,033
the day you accidentally
caused my death?
512
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,100
One guilt at a time, okay?
513
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:56,434
Sorry. The point is...
514
00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:58,701
I wasn't expecting
anything to happen.
515
00:19:58,734 --> 00:20:00,868
But when your cigarette
punctured the Bullwinkle float
516
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:03,033
and he started losing helium
until his antler dipped into
517
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:05,033
the clown car and sent it
crashing
518
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:07,033
into Puff the Magic Dragon
who bounced off Snoopy
519
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:09,033
and knocked me into an open
manhole, killing me,
520
00:20:09,067 --> 00:20:11,501
I realized this
could happen to anyone.
521
00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:14,000
You never know
when it's your time, Duckman.
522
00:20:14,033 --> 00:20:16,067
You should do
what makes you happy now.
523
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:17,234
He should?
524
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,767
And you don't have to change
your bill
525
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:19,901
to make you happy.
526
00:20:19,934 --> 00:20:21,367
I liked it
better before.
527
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,100
It was more regal.
528
00:20:23,133 --> 00:20:24,634
Regal?
529
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:27,400
I loved you exactly
the way you were.
530
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:28,734
I'll always be here.
531
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:30,133
You'll always
remember.
532
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,801
But you have to move on.
533
00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:33,801
You're the one
who's still alive.
534
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:35,334
(roaring)
535
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,400
You won't need
536
00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:39,901
that fire where
you're going, lady.
537
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,567
(yelling)
538
00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:46,634
(coughing)
539
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:51,567
You forgot your son's birthday
last week.
540
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:56,334
Good-bye, Duckman.
541
00:20:56,367 --> 00:20:58,868
Good-bye, Beatrice.
542
00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:04,934
Oh, you're up.
543
00:21:04,968 --> 00:21:06,267
You cured me!
544
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:07,834
I got my confidence back.
545
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:10,400
I slayed the dragon of guilt.
Now I'm ready to go out
546
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:12,133
and breathe
a little fire of my own!
547
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,868
Ah, the wondrous and mercurial
548
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:17,934
vicissitudes of the mind.
549
00:21:17,968 --> 00:21:21,501
(cackling)
550
00:21:21,534 --> 00:21:25,367
I'm back. Got the old bill,
a new attitude
551
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,300
and I'm ready
to take on the world.
552
00:21:27,334 --> 00:21:29,868
Mr. Duckman,
this came for you earlier.
553
00:21:29,901 --> 00:21:32,801
"Dear Ducky, Cornfed's
a little worn out
554
00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:34,534
"from observing us all day.
555
00:21:34,567 --> 00:21:35,834
"Thought you might want
to take over.
556
00:21:35,868 --> 00:21:37,701
"Truth is, ever since
you resisted us last night
557
00:21:37,734 --> 00:21:39,801
"we've been looking
to spend more time with you.
558
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:41,734
No one ever plays
hard to get with us."
559
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:44,534
Signed-- "The twins."
(door opens and closes)
560
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,367
How about a ski weekend?
561
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,300
Just the three of us,
all alone by a fire?
562
00:21:49,334 --> 00:21:50,567
(gasping)
40652
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