Original subtitles

(whistling)

(quacks)

(splats)

(screaming)

DUCKMAN: Oh, my God! I didn't mean to.

I've soiled the centerfold.

Ruined, Cornfed--

the work of all those dedicated professionals

coming together to capture a natural woman at an unguarded moment.

Interesting use of a spatula.

Ah, she's perfect, Corny. Can you imagine having a woman like that?

They're overrated, Duckman. I dated a model once.

You're kidding! Lingerie?

Corrective footwear. But they're all the same.

The look promises a night of comparing hard-to-find

birthmarks and a hot bubble bath, but all you get

is a slap in the face and a cold shower.

How hard a slap?

The letters are a hoot, though.

I'm constantly amazed that some pathetic loser

is so desperate that he'd write

a publication like this for advice.

(laughing)

Can you believe it?

Look at this one. "Dear editor, I can't get a date

"and I don't know why.

"I'm so hard up that I've started collecting

"Swedish magazines,

"nude volleyball videos

"and inflatable meter maid dolls.

"Any advice?

Signed, a middle-aged duck detective." (gulps)

(horn honks)

I wonder where I put that stapler. Wait a minute.

You think that's me?

There must be a million middle-aged duck detectives out there.

This is just one of those crazy coincidences.

(groaning)

(squeaks)

DOLL: Red zone. You've been a bad boy.

(chuckles) The things the former owners left in these closets.

Okay, so I've been a little... inactive

since, you know, Beatrice died.

I've been wanting to jump back in lately.

Women just haven't been... responding to me.

But it's a big world, Corny.

There's a lot of possibilities out there.

It's only a matter of time

before good luck's going to come my way.

(unzips fly)

WOMAN: Dr. Forest, dial 118, please.

Dr. Forest, please dial...

Oops. Wrong thermometer, isn't it?

(sultry female voice): What the hell's going on?

Where am I, and what the hell happened to my voice?

You can't talk, so I installed Mr. Tracheotomy.

It must be on the wrong setting.

Well, I don't give a...

...flying leap through a...

...rolling doughnut what you installed, or what...

...setting it's on.

I just want my own damn voice back!

Oh.

You know, while I'm fixing your bill,

I could make some adjustments.

Judging by your x-rays, it is a tad on the small side.

S-S-S...

Small?! I've seen plenty of guys with smaller bills than me.

Not that, you know, I look at other guys'... bills.

Suit yourself.

I'm sure there are women who respond to a smaller bill.

(giggles)

As soon as we get the okay from your insurance company,

we'll get you fixed right up.

(phone rings)

Bayou Bill's Gumbo and Insurance.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Was the thermos full or empty?

Nope, not covered.

(screams) Get off me, sphincter face!

(grunts)

(engine revving)

Cornfed...

do you think I'm attractive?

Sorry, Duckman,

I don't date people I work with.

No, Spam for brains, do you think there's anything wrong with my bill?

You mean the fact that it curves to one side, the nostrils don't match,

it's covered with nicotine stains,

acne scars, varicose veins

and it whistles when you chew?

I mean, no, nothing I can see.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Hey, Dad, you're home late.

Homely?

My own flesh and blood calls me homely.

You know how that makes me feel?

It makes me feel the way you must have felt

when the other kids voted you the ugliest kid in your class.

I can't believe you'd call me homely.

Actually, Dad, I said you were home late.

Oh. You know, I think that Blevins kid

is uglier than you.

Thanks, Dad.

Ow.

Hey, uh... kids...

uh, let me ask you something.

Do you think your old man's attractive?

(laughing)

(laughing)

(whooshing) (grunting)

Bernice.

I want your honest opinion.

Do you think I'm attractive?

I could answer that,

but that would mean having to look at you.

(groans)

(grunts) I need some air.

(remote control clicks)

Are you insecure about your looks?

Why would I be insecure about my looks?

So you're defensive. Maybe a little

Do your friends think you're ugly?

Yep. How about your family?

Check. Co-workers?

Affirmative. Blind people?

Uh-huh. Side show freaks?

And how! People whose faces have been

mangled in industrial accidents? Bingo!

That's because you are,

and nobody likes ugly people-- not in our society.

Not in any society.

So there's only one thing to do.

Take your own life.

(Levine chuckling)

No, I'm kidding.

Well, now there's a cure for ugliness.

Through the magic of cosmetic surgery,

I can help you become the beautiful person

you deserve to be.

Come on in for a fanny tuck, chin cleft,

maybe even a bill extension, and don't wait too long.

No one wants to be old and ugly.

Mention this ad, and get ten minutes of free liposuction.

LEVINE: Bill extension, bill extension bill extension.

DUCKMAN: Women just haven't been responding to me.

DOCTOR: It is a tad on the small side.

(Charles and Mambo laughing)

CORNFED: Nostrils don't match. Small side.

Women just haven't been res...

Nostrils don't match. Small side...

(laughter)

(echoing): ...women just haven't been responding to me.

*

* What's the ugliest *

* Part of your body?

* What's the ugliest part... *

Hi, I'm Dr. Levine.

You must be Duckman.

Doc, can you help me?

Oh, of course I can.

Put this bag on your head

and pray it doesn't blow off.

Just kidding.

(laughing)

Whoa, whoa! Duck...

Step into my office.

(clattering)

Mr. Duckman, one look and I can see why you're here.

Pec implants. No, I...

Those massive eye wrinkles.

Well, I... Butt lift?

Look! That unsightly flab around the...

I want a bill job!

Had to be. The rest is perfect.

Shot in the dark. Kind of guy

who wants to see the most expensive models, right?

This first one's the Air Stream. Tends to flap a little,

but it is heat resistant, and doubles as a lawn chair for outdoor sporting events.

The Longfellow. Real Corinthian leather, easy to patch.

We recommend dry cleaning after Italian dinners.

Oh, uh... and, of course, there is the Magnum,

but between you and me, I'm afraid it's a bit more

than most people can handle,

what with all those beautiful women

wanting to fondle it in public places and such. I can handle it.

Give me the Magnum, please, please, please, please!

Wow.

Oh, this is just a contract with a little paragraph

saying the bill may cause cancer kidney failure,

blindness, deafness and dandruff.

Dandruff? Comes with a special low-cost shampoo.

Sold!

(screaming)

Morning, Fluffy, Uranus.

Notice anything different?

Did you get new glasses?

Lose weight?

FLUFFY: Comb your hair?

No, you little road apples! I got a new bill!

Poor, misguided Mr. Duckman.

You don't need to mutilate your body just to meet

some vain standard of superficial attractiveness.

FLUFFY: We look past all that

to see your inner beauty.

Mm-hmm... time to see your inner beauty.

(both gasp)

(clears throat)

Fine-looking honker, Duckman.

Oh, you noticed, huh?

I don't know why I didn't see it before, Corny.

This is the reason I haven't been

getting a second look from the babes.

It's what's outside that counts.

Women are still after the same darn thing.

Someone who leaves the toilet seat down?

Looks! Like that stewardess you used to date.

You two wouldn't have been smacking the sheets

if she thought you were a mud fence, am I right?

Actually, we never quite went all the way.

What? You went with her for over a year. How far did you get?

She hugged me when we broke up.

What about the aerobics instructor? Nope.

The hairdresser? Golf instructor? Nope. Nope.

The heiress? Crossing guard? Nope. Nope.

Synchronized swimmer? The ice sculptor? Nope. Nope.

The ex-nun? Nope.

How about when you got snowbound in that cabin with

the nymphomaniac who wanted to get back at her parents?

Second base.

There's something you should know, Duckman.

I never told you because I'm a little sensitive about it.

I'm a virgin.

(laughing hysterically)

A virgin!

Unbelievable!

You?

No insky-outsky.

No boffarino!

Never nailed the hammer on the head! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(tittering)

Ready to get on with your life now?

Ah, look, don't worry about it.

This is the new and improved Duckman.

I'll take you under my wing, show you how it's done...

maybe even throw you a few leftovers.

Just stand back. Watch a master at the top of his game.

(door opens and shuts)

I'm Fantine.

And I'm Cosette.

We've been celibate for a year,

and we need you to go out with us.

Don't worry. We'll pay you.

FANTINE: We can't trust men.

We've always had trouble finding any

who will appreciate us for more than our looks.

No matter what we do, they just see us

as objects of their sexual fantasies.

And we need to find out what we're doing wrong.

You have a cookie crumb on your left breast.

There's a little piece of chocolate on yours.

(women giggling)

(stammering)

Come in. Come in.

I'm Duckman and this is hooters...

I mean, Cornfed. This is Cornfed.

Sorry, just a little horny... tired!

Tired this morning.

A little tired. Can we get you anything?

A "d" cup of coffee? A cup of decaf?

COSETTE: We're practically bursting

to start dating again, but we're afraid we'll attract

the kind of man who made us stop in the first place.

So we want you to investigate us.

Tell us how to change

before we attract someone we might regret.

All you have to do is watch us closely.

Tell us what we're doing

that makes men focus on our bodies

rather than our minds.

FANTINE: Ooh, I dropped my earring.

Oh, there it is.

(screams)

We just want to be appreciated for the right things.

You must know what it's like.

People probably come on to you because of your bill.

I'll bet some people even ask if it's real.

Don't you hate that? Oh, the nerve.

Well, off to give each other a full-body hot oil massage.

If you're interested in the case,

meet us at this address.

Say 7:00-ish?

Your skirt is clinging.

Oh, and you have some of those lint balls again.

(giggling) (door opens and shuts)

We, uh... we can't go.

I'm sorry. It must be the new bill.

I thought you said, "We can't go."

I did. We're knee-deep in real cases.

We can't just drop our heavy workload and go out on a date.

Well, you never know what'll come up when we're gone.

Duckman, we have to go.

I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast

that lies dormant in every woman's soul

waiting to transform her into a lusting creature

of unbridled passion...

pulling at me, tugging at me,

yelling, "Take me, Cornfed! Make me your love slave!"

You know, that sort of thing.

I said no, Cornfed!

Chicken. Virgin.

Chicken. Virgin.

Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken!

Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin!

Chicken. Virgin.

Chicken. Virgin.

Ooh... virgin... Chicken, chicken, chicken...

(squawking)

Virgo! Virgo! Chicken...

All right, look... I don't want to hear another word about it!

We're not going, and that's that!

Get these things off of me!

Duckman, you think the women will be able to tell I'm not experienced?

Oh, will you shut up?

No one can tell by just looking.

ANNOUNCER: Next up on the first hole-- virgin plus three.

COSETTE: Hi, Corny.

Hi, Duckman.

(speaking gibberish)

We thought the burlap sacks would be a good idea.

Men always seem to respond to our outward appearance.

So we didn't want to dress like sex objects.

(both screaming)

(bell rings twice)

Since we've been hired to observe your behavior,

the concept of men always allowing women to go first

tends to reinforce the notion of helpless playthings.

Ooh, he's perceptive. Ooh, he's perceptive.

Mini golf put me through dental school.

Duckman, I guess you're next.

(speaking gibberish)

(air horn blaring)

Here, let me help steady your putter.

Uh-oh, my chest is rubbing against your back.

Oh, that probably gets you thinking about our bodies again,

doesn't it?

(shrieking)

Is it my turn?

(speaking gibberish)

Oh, I've got a cramp in my neck.

Duckman, can you rub it for me?

I can't take it!

(screaming hysterically)

Ah, sorry about last night.

I forgot all about that appointment

with my periodontist.

Miss anything?

We went back to their house.

Their house?! Details, give me details.

A-frame, 2 1/2 baths, exposed brick fireplace...

No, you idiot! What happened?

We played Twister. I lost.

(chuckling)

Beyond that...

I am a gentleman.

(chuckles)

If you'll excuse me I'm off to help Cosette and Fantine

learn why men focus on their bodies

while they sponge-wash their car in cut-offs.

(chuckling)

(door opens and closes)

I need some air.

Thought cosmetic surgery was the answer, didn't you?

Well, it wasn't, you insignificant worm.

If you want the real answer come in and see me.

I'll teach your problems the meaning of discipline.

(whip cracks)

ANNOUNCER: Mention this ad for two minutes of free body piercing.

DUCKMAN: Women just haven't been responding to me.

CORNFED: Chicken...

COSETTE: Here, let me help steady your putter.

DUCKMAN: ...imagine having a woman like that?

(Cosette and Fantine giggling)

No way! This time I'm not going to do something

just because a commercial tells me to.

Yes, you are!

(whip cracks) (gasps)

* Give me

* Your dirty love

NINA: That's all for today, Mr. Cooper.

You're making admirable progress.

You, duck, you're next!

I don't know about this. It's kind of hard

telling my problems to a woman.

Don't worry. I used to be a man.

Here, lie down on this!

(groans)

Spill it. This isn't nap time.

Well, I've been having some problems.

Just a second.

(bleating, barking, oinking, growling and cackling)

Okay, so you have some problems.

With women, actually.

You're not sexually active?

I'm very sexually active.

With another person.

Oh. Uh... no.

Ah, I know exactly what this calls for.

(ticking) NINA: You're getting sleepy.

No, I'm not.

Now?

Not really.

Oh!

Let's try the watch again.

Where the hell am I?

NINA: You're going into your psyche.

Everyone's psyche is like a house.

Some have a two-story colonial.

Others have a country cottage...

depending on how your mind works.

There's yours.

Wait. The psyche is very difficult to understand.

Entering it can bean incredibly complex procedure.

Of course, some are less complex than others.

Duckman, come back here!

Ah, looks like the honeymoon suite

where Beatrice and I stayed.

A little more tasteful, maybe.

Yoo-hoo, Ducky. Yoo-hoo, Ducky.

Wow. There they are, just waiting for me

and I can't do a thing about it.

Hey! I don't have to be scared anymore.

This is my fantasy!

Yoo-hoo! Wa-haa!

Incoming!

(groans)

COSETTE: Gee, Duckman, we're sorry.

We didn't plan for that to happen.

That's okay. Don't move. I'll get a ladder, put on the tights,

be up there faster than you can say "three-way circus."

(grunting)

Not working, huh? I'd say the fantasy part

of your psyche's been a little overtaxed lately.

FANTINE: I think she's right. After all, we've had

a little experience being in people's fantasies.

(giggling) (giggling)

COSETTE: And we've found when unfulfilled realities

overtake a libidinous subconscious...

The disparity between the two

manifests in a breakdown of the gestalt.

Huh? No confidence.

FANTINE: You'd better go find it.

Your fantasy will never become reality

until you get your confidence back.

Okay. Couldn't we try just one little somersault into my lap?

NINA: Maybe the trollops are right.

Confidence is the third door on the left.

(Owl hooting) (birds' wings flapping)

(door creaks)

Hey, Dad, guess who's going to take care of you

when you're old-- me.

No!

(panting)

Duckman, bubeleh, come on in.

I'll make you some soup.

I don't have time! Fine, go.

What do you care about anyone else?

Play mini golf with your floozies

and just leave me here to die.

(simpering voice): Don't get her mad.

Who said that?

I did. I'm your confidence.

You?

But you're puny, you're scrawny, you're pathetic.

(sobbing)

Snappy dresser, though.

WOMAN: You don't want to know from him.

He's been beaten down by your guilt.

What do you know about it?!

(roaring)

I'm your guilt!

(screaming)

Did you think you could get away with dating

those other girls behind your wife's back?

B-B-B-B-Beatrice has been dead for a year and a half.

Maybe, but I'll be with you for the rest of your life!

(chain jangling) CONFIDENCE: Don't worry. I'll save you.

(grunting)

Or I could just wait over here while you save yourself.

(yelling)

Help!

Somebody!

Can anybody help me?!

Duckman?

I thought I heard you.

Beatrice? Is it really you?

Wow. You look great.

Did you lose weight?

Well, I am dead. How are the kids?

Fine. Fine. Look... This guilt is killing me.

Can't you ease off just a little?

I'm not doing anything, sweetheart.

This is your mind, remember?

But the guilt is because of you.

I haven't, you know, seen anyone since you died.

I didn't think you'd like it.

Duckman, thank you, but that isn't any way to live your life.

Remember staking out that vendor at the parade

the day you accidentally caused my death?

One guilt at a time, okay?

Sorry. The point is...

I wasn't expecting anything to happen.

But when your cigarette punctured the Bullwinkle float

and he started losing helium until his antler dipped into

the clown car and sent it crashing

into Puff the Magic Dragon who bounced off Snoopy

and knocked me into an open manhole, killing me,

I realized this could happen to anyone.

You never know when it's your time, Duckman.

You should do what makes you happy now.

He should?

And you don't have to change your bill

to make you happy.

I liked it better before.

It was more regal.

Regal?

I loved you exactly the way you were.

I'll always be here.

You'll always remember.

But you have to move on.

You're the one who's still alive.

(roaring)

You won't need

that fire where you're going, lady.

(yelling)

(coughing)

You forgot your son's birthday last week.

Good-bye, Duckman.

Good-bye, Beatrice.

Oh, you're up.

You cured me!

I got my confidence back.

I slayed the dragon of guilt. Now I'm ready to go out

and breathe a little fire of my own!

Ah, the wondrous and mercurial

vicissitudes of the mind.

(cackling)

I'm back. Got the old bill, a new attitude

and I'm ready to take on the world.

Mr. Duckman, this came for you earlier.

"Dear Ducky, Cornfed's a little worn out

"from observing us all day.

"Thought you might want to take over.

"Truth is, ever since you resisted us last night

"we've been looking to spend more time with you.

No one ever plays hard to get with us."

Signed-- "The twins." (door opens and closes)

How about a ski weekend?

Just the three of us, all alone by a fire?

(gasping)