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00:00:09,334 --> 00:00:10,968
(whistles)
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00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:37,868
(quacks)
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00:00:37,934 --> 00:00:41,033
ANNOUNCER:
We think it's time you tried
Hill O' Beans decaf
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00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:43,501
because coffee
without the caffeine...
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00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:45,767
...is like sex
without the costumes.
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00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:48,067
ANNOUNCER:
And remember, Happy Tyme
pure sucrose breakfast cereal
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00:00:48,133 --> 00:00:49,667
gives you that...
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00:00:49,734 --> 00:00:52,634
DOCTOR:
...large, tumor-like growth
on the wall of your stomach.
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00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:55,133
But for cleaner,
brighter, fluffier sheets...
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00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,300
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight's episode: "The Klan."
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00:00:57,367 --> 00:01:00,000
Have you ever seen anything
so white?
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00:01:12,701 --> 00:01:13,801
The Vacuum Cleaner...
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00:01:13,868 --> 00:01:15,968
Wow!
Do I have to sit here all day
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00:01:16,033 --> 00:01:17,801
looking for something to watch?
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00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:20,534
No. Nope. Nyet. Uh-uh. No way.
Negatory. Not. Never. Nope.
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00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:22,200
Uh-uh. Cannell? Are you kidding?
Forget it. Huh-uh.
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00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:23,801
Bochco, nope. Uh-uh. No, thanks.
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00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:25,334
Miller-Boyett, nope.
No chance. Nada.
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Where are the quality shows--
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00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:28,100
the shows
that stimulate your mind,
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00:01:28,167 --> 00:01:30,300
that enrich the human condition?
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00:01:30,367 --> 00:01:31,801
(screaming and gunfire on TV)
Ah, gunfire.
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00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:34,901
ANNOUNCER:
For those of you
who have just tuned in
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00:01:34,968 --> 00:01:37,000
to tonight's episode
of Crazed Postal Worker,
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00:01:37,067 --> 00:01:38,467
this week's disgruntled
former employee
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00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,033
turned homicidal gunman
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is holding his hostages
behind the "stamps only" window.
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00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:44,300
Talk about entertainment,
(squealing)
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00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:46,667
and no family around
to hog the TV.
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00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:48,734
That's right,
our organization is pre-need.
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00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:51,767
We're teaching people
to make ceramic ashtrays
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00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:52,901
with their teeth
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00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:54,300
in case they become handicapped.
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00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:55,634
(screams)
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00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,434
Oh, sorry, Mr. President,
I'd love to talk more
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00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:59,300
about you and the First Lady
getting involved
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00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:01,367
but my favorite show's
about to begin.
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00:02:01,434 --> 00:02:03,868
Five more minutes
and we'll have a formula
39
00:02:03,934 --> 00:02:05,767
for putting all
the nutritional elements
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00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:09,033
a child will ever need
into a chocolate Ho Ho.
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00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,100
But that would mean
missing the show.
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00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,667
(dishes breaking)
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00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,200
Uh-oh. Yet again
44
00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:19,467
I've loaded Aunt Bernice's
priceless Ming Dynasty China
45
00:02:19,534 --> 00:02:21,501
in the trash compactor.
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00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:22,834
Time for the show.
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00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:24,667
I'll let Dad take the blame.
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00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:27,501
An unwitting woman has come into
the post office with her mail.
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00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:29,934
Obviously, none of us wants
bloodshed, but warning her
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00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:33,200
would violate our code of ethics
about media intrusion.
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00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,534
Let's watch.
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00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:37,934
POSTAL WORKER:
Lady, you forgot to use
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00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:43,000
the nine... digit... zip code!
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00:02:43,067 --> 00:02:46,534
(gunfire and screaming)
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00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,400
ALL:
Mother Mirabelle's on!
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00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,734
(Duckman yells)
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00:02:50,801 --> 00:02:52,367
(woman screaming on TV)
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00:02:54,634 --> 00:02:56,801
(straining):
...was watching that.
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00:02:56,868 --> 00:02:58,067
ALL:
Shh!
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00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,901
MOTHER MIRABELLE:
Thank you, thank you.
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00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:01,133
I'm Mother Mirabelle,
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00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,734
and welcome
to the Home Miracle Network.
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00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:06,667
Having... trouble... breathing.
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00:03:06,734 --> 00:03:07,567
ALL:
Shh!
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00:03:07,634 --> 00:03:09,300
I'd like to start the day
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00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:11,901
by sharing a little miracle
of my own.
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00:03:11,968 --> 00:03:15,400
We were number one
in our time slot again last week
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00:03:15,467 --> 00:03:20,300
with that most-important-
of-them-all demographic group:
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00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,300
ALL:
People with disposable income.
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00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:25,300
Passing... out... soon.
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00:03:25,367 --> 00:03:27,634
ALL:
Shh!
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00:03:27,701 --> 00:03:29,801
Well, well, will you look
at all the believers I have
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00:03:29,868 --> 00:03:31,067
with me today.
74
00:03:31,133 --> 00:03:32,267
Ooh! Ooh!
Eeh!
Ow!
75
00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:34,334
Did you have a miracle
to share with us, sir?
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00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,234
I contacted
my dead mother
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00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,934
using dominoes
and a pair of pliers.
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00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,534
ALL:
It's a miracle!
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00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:41,701
Ow! Ooh!
Eeh!
Ow!
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00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:43,100
I had fleas and ticks,
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00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,267
but I bathed
in low-fat milk
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00:03:44,334 --> 00:03:45,934
and now I only
have ticks.
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00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,634
ALL:
It's a miracle!
84
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:48,734
Oh! Ow!
85
00:03:48,801 --> 00:03:50,300
I finished the TV Guide
crossword puzzle
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00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:52,367
for the first time
in my life.
87
00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:53,968
ALL:
It's a miracle!
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00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:56,300
MOTHER MIRABELLE:
Oh, miracles indeed.
(grunting)
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00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:59,968
And now, before we bring out
our celebrity guest
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00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:02,868
who plays me in my show
for a small fee,
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00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:06,067
it's time to gaze upon
our holy shrine--
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00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:09,801
the miracle that makes
all our miracles happen,
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00:04:09,868 --> 00:04:13,434
that preternatural portrait,
that possessed piece d'art,
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00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:14,734
that painting
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00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:18,000
from the promised land--
(grunting)
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00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:23,434
Our Lady of the Weeping Soles.
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00:04:23,501 --> 00:04:24,901
ALL:
Get out of the way!
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00:04:24,968 --> 00:04:26,234
(Duckman grunts)
99
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,067
(gasping)
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00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,067
(passing gas)
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00:04:29,133 --> 00:04:30,300
Holy (bleep)!
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00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:32,534
The painting's been stolen!
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00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:33,634
CHARLES:
It's gone!
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00:04:33,701 --> 00:04:34,701
MAMBO:
Someone took it!
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00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:35,801
AUNT BERNICE:
That's sacrilege.
106
00:04:35,868 --> 00:04:36,968
AJAX:
What's on
the other channel?
107
00:04:37,033 --> 00:04:39,133
Duckman!
You're a detective.
108
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,534
You help her find
the painting.
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00:04:40,601 --> 00:04:43,868
Sure. When my butt
starts singing show tunes.
110
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,567
AJAX:
You have to, Dad.
111
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:47,067
It really
causes miracles.
112
00:04:47,133 --> 00:04:49,567
It's the painting of
The Blessed Mother
of the Weeping Soles.
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00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:51,267
The one where the feet
actually perspire.
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00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:54,367
It's worshipped by hundreds of
people in this cable district.
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00:04:54,434 --> 00:04:57,033
Duckman, your children are
pleading for your help.
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00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,133
Besides, it's not
like you're ever busy
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00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,834
working on other cases.
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00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,133
Dad's a detective?
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00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,367
DUCKMAN:
Forget it!
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00:05:03,434 --> 00:05:04,801
I'm not going to lower myself
by helping
121
00:05:04,868 --> 00:05:06,634
some pandering preacher
find her bogus painting.
122
00:05:06,701 --> 00:05:08,067
This whole thing's
just one big scam
123
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:09,400
cooked up by an obvious phony
124
00:05:09,467 --> 00:05:10,834
who'll do anything
to make a buck.
125
00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:12,834
She says she'll pay
handsomely for its return.
126
00:05:12,901 --> 00:05:14,567
Don't wait up.
127
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,968
Huh. Look at these
people, Corny.
128
00:05:23,033 --> 00:05:24,968
They're being led around
like a bunch of sheep.
129
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,133
(audience bleating)
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00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,300
Interesting how the need
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00:05:27,367 --> 00:05:28,767
for substance
in an unexamined life
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00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,601
oftentimes breeds gullibility.
133
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:31,868
Exactly.
134
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:33,133
(screams):
It's Elvis!
135
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,934
We're back,
and we're sorry to report
136
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,167
that miracles seem to be
in short supply
137
00:05:40,234 --> 00:05:43,534
since the fountainhead
of all our miracles was stolen,
138
00:05:43,601 --> 00:05:46,400
but the Blessed Mother
of the Weeping Soles
139
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:49,100
has spoken to me
in a vision. Yes!
140
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,667
And she said unto me,
"Mirabelle,
141
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:54,567
"even though I'm gone,
I want you to carry on,
142
00:05:54,634 --> 00:05:56,601
"because
your believers need you
143
00:05:56,667 --> 00:06:00,434
because the world needs you,
because this month is sweeps."
144
00:06:00,501 --> 00:06:01,834
Amen!
145
00:06:01,901 --> 00:06:03,501
Sir, you're a believer.
146
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:05,067
Even with the
Blessed Mother gone,
147
00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:08,367
surely you have a
miracle to share.
148
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,701
Oh, me? Well, gosh,
149
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:12,501
I ran into my old girlfriend
last week.
150
00:06:12,567 --> 00:06:14,767
Well, that was more
of a coincidence, really.
151
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,734
Actually, I was...
(clears throat) stalking her.
152
00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:17,901
(audience groans)
153
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:20,067
You, ma'am.
You're a believer.
154
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:21,968
Tell me a miracle.
155
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:23,434
Oh, well, I... uh...
156
00:06:23,501 --> 00:06:25,400
I was driving this morning,
157
00:06:25,467 --> 00:06:30,100
and I hit a green light,
and then I hit a red one,
158
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:31,300
or maybe it was
the other way around.
159
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:32,667
(audience groaning)
160
00:06:32,734 --> 00:06:35,434
People, maybe it's not as easy
as I'd hoped.
161
00:06:35,501 --> 00:06:38,000
We do need that painting back.
162
00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,834
Perhaps you can help.
163
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:43,534
Perhaps a small donation
can get us started.
164
00:06:43,601 --> 00:06:45,200
Take mine!
Take mine!
165
00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:47,200
Me first!
Take mine!
166
00:06:47,267 --> 00:06:50,367
(all talking at once)
167
00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:51,601
Forget Mother Mirabelle.
168
00:06:51,667 --> 00:06:53,167
This crowd needs
Father Thorazine.
169
00:06:53,234 --> 00:06:54,367
(crowd quiets)
170
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,267
What the hell are
you staring at?
171
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:57,601
What about you?
172
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,334
You seem to have
something to share.
173
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,501
Me? Y... yeah.
174
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:03,834
I do have something to share.
175
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,000
Duckman, didn't you schedule
a colonic this afternoon?
176
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:09,100
In fact, I have a miracle
to share.
177
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,300
It's a miracle
you moon-eyed zombies
178
00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:12,801
fall for this Mother Mirabelle.
179
00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:14,033
She's a fake!
180
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,267
She's taking your money!
181
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:16,801
She's a bigger rip-off
than those
182
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,467
"Talk to a nympho in prison"
hot lines
183
00:07:18,534 --> 00:07:19,968
that double-charge you
on your phone bill
184
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:21,334
when they know you can't do
a thing about it
185
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,501
'cause you can't tell anyone
186
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:23,968
you ever called it
in the first place.
187
00:07:24,033 --> 00:07:26,200
(chuckles nervously):
So... so I've heard.
188
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:28,801
Look, I, for one
am glad that painting's gone.
189
00:07:28,868 --> 00:07:30,567
Now maybe you can
spend your time
190
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:32,901
believing in something
that really matters
191
00:07:32,968 --> 00:07:34,534
like your horoscope.
192
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:36,901
Well, we're
certainly tolerant
193
00:07:36,968 --> 00:07:38,701
of all points of view.
194
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:39,868
(high-pitched tone)
195
00:07:39,934 --> 00:07:42,200
Make a move
and you're dead meat.
196
00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:45,200
Does wetting myself
count as moving?
197
00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:52,234
Well, since you are a detective,
198
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:55,167
and I do have something
to find...
199
00:07:58,033 --> 00:07:59,734
...I accept your apology.
200
00:07:59,801 --> 00:08:01,634
How much do you charge?
201
00:08:01,701 --> 00:08:05,067
Well, um, in order
to find out who took it,
202
00:08:05,133 --> 00:08:07,033
we'll need to set up
around-the-clock surveillance,
203
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,834
high-powered telescopes,
204
00:08:08,901 --> 00:08:10,834
a parabolic mic, catered
meals, four buxom assistants,
205
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:12,834
a VCR and a big screen TV,
a Barcalounger,
206
00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:14,267
the complete
Russ Meyer videos,
207
00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:16,367
a two-year subscription
to the sports betting tip sheet.
208
00:08:16,434 --> 00:08:20,467
All told, it comes
to a daily rate of $400.17.
209
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,200
I'll give you 20 bucks.
210
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:25,033
That was my fallback offer.
211
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,200
What about the thousands
of dollars you just collected
212
00:08:27,267 --> 00:08:28,868
from those people out there?
213
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:31,868
This imported Italian marble
doesn't grow on trees!
214
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:33,868
And not that the painting
215
00:08:33,934 --> 00:08:36,868
isn't the most important thing
in the world to me. It is.
216
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,467
And I'm sure whoever committed
such a dastardly crime
217
00:08:39,534 --> 00:08:41,567
must be some kind
of ruthless killer
218
00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:43,367
who might very well
chop off your heads
219
00:08:43,434 --> 00:08:44,734
and put them on a stick!
220
00:08:44,801 --> 00:08:45,901
DUCKMAN:
Not to worry.
221
00:08:45,968 --> 00:08:48,067
We eat fear for breakfast.
222
00:08:48,133 --> 00:08:50,300
You're guessing about
the stick part, right?
223
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:51,667
(squawks)
224
00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:53,367
Tell me again
why we're doing this.
225
00:08:53,434 --> 00:08:55,167
When I inspected the wall where
the painting used to hang,
226
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:56,934
I caught a whiff
of Eau De Carp.
227
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,667
It's a cologne so foul it's worn
228
00:08:58,734 --> 00:09:00,367
by only one man,
a man who happens to be
229
00:09:00,434 --> 00:09:03,467
the world's greatest art
collector, Big Da Da Duchamp.
230
00:09:03,534 --> 00:09:05,534
My guess is, if we go undercover
at his art gallery,
231
00:09:05,601 --> 00:09:06,868
we'll find the miracle painting.
232
00:09:06,934 --> 00:09:08,334
Miracle-schmiracle.
233
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:09,701
I'll bet those mindless pod
people who believe in that thing
234
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,834
still wait up
for the tooth fairy.
235
00:09:11,901 --> 00:09:13,167
Why shouldn't they?
236
00:09:13,234 --> 00:09:14,901
'Cause he's rotting
in a Turkish jail!
237
00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,167
Will you hurry up
with those disguises.
238
00:09:16,234 --> 00:09:18,067
Four of those mindless
pod people are my family.
239
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:20,200
Okay, Mr. Duckman,
but may I say,
240
00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:21,767
I don't think you should just
241
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:24,133
dismiss the notions
of miracles.
242
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,467
It's a miracle
243
00:09:25,534 --> 00:09:27,067
every time a
new leaf grows,
244
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:30,367
every time
a newborn baby cries...
245
00:09:30,434 --> 00:09:32,434
Every time you shut up
and do what I tell you.
246
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,100
Now turn me into one
of those art world freakos
247
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,434
or you're next!
248
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:38,734
When you're in a hurry...
249
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:42,601
(clock ticking slowly)
250
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:43,767
Nope.
251
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:47,467
Uh-uh.
252
00:09:47,534 --> 00:09:49,801
Who's this supposed to be?
253
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:52,067
I'm guessing, but I think it's
a highly misunderstood painter
254
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,400
whose rhythmic,
linear brushstrokes
255
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,801
were an arrogant break
from the old masters,
256
00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,467
and who was so desperate
for a unique artistic identity
257
00:09:57,534 --> 00:09:59,534
that he was trapped
in a hellish downhill spiral
258
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:01,968
of hostility, madness
and self-mutilation.
259
00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:03,067
The beard's cool.
Let's do it.
260
00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:04,133
What about
your disguise?
261
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,467
Whoa! Who are you
supposed to be?
262
00:10:06,534 --> 00:10:08,267
Your agent.
263
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,567
All right, let's
mingle, Corny.
264
00:10:14,634 --> 00:10:16,234
Keep your eye out for
Duchamp, and remember,
265
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,734
stay in character.
266
00:10:17,801 --> 00:10:19,934
Mmm, boy, just smell that art.
267
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,200
Yes, sirree, this is
just the break I needed
268
00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:26,767
after a long day
of making art and being insane.
269
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,601
The disguise is working,
Cornfed.
270
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:31,100
What's he doing
with that pink stuff?
271
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:32,534
That's Crisco.
272
00:10:32,601 --> 00:10:33,934
He's our greatest wrap artist.
273
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,100
Hm. All right, Duchamp
doesn't seem to be out there.
274
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:37,200
We got to find his office.
275
00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:38,701
Remember, take it slow.
276
00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:41,100
We can't just barge
through his door.
277
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:43,167
(yelling)
278
00:10:43,234 --> 00:10:44,334
(grunts)
279
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,734
My, my, could I possibly
be in the presence
280
00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:48,667
of such a great artist?
281
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:50,000
Ha-ha! I'm Duckman.
282
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,367
I was only pretending
to be an artist.
283
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:53,701
Ah, an impressionist.
284
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:56,801
(sniffing)
Do I smell fish?
285
00:10:56,868 --> 00:10:57,968
(sneezing)
286
00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,467
Our Motherof the Weeping Soles!
287
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,467
All right, I've come
for the girly picture, art boy.
288
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:03,934
Don't try anything stupid,
289
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,167
or one of us
won't leave here alive.
290
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,100
I-I said one of us.
291
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,167
I was... I was thinking you.
292
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:14,534
(clattering)
293
00:11:14,601 --> 00:11:16,367
(gasps)
294
00:11:16,434 --> 00:11:17,367
DUCKMAN:
Hey, what the...?
295
00:11:17,434 --> 00:11:19,033
(grunting)
296
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,701
(muffled grunting)
297
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:23,133
(Duchamp applauding)
298
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,901
I don't know how
he tracked it down,
299
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,167
but he won't
tell anyone now.
300
00:11:28,234 --> 00:11:29,334
What the...? Whoo!
301
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,234
This can't be
what I think it is.
302
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:34,000
This will be your
greatest work ever, Crisco.
303
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:36,501
And the critics
say art is dead.
304
00:11:36,567 --> 00:11:37,501
I don't know art,
305
00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:39,901
but I know what I like--
breathing!
306
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:43,000
(bell dings, Duckman grunts)
307
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,701
I can't believe this.
308
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,167
I'm actually dead.
309
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:48,133
Plucked from the prime of life.
310
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,033
So many things I wanted to do--
311
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,501
climb the world's
highest mountain,
312
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:52,901
swim a few channels,
313
00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:55,133
invent something
that benefits mankind.
314
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,534
Oh, well, more time to sleep in.
315
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:58,968
Geez, I...
316
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:01,701
I didn't even get
to say good-bye to my family.
317
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:03,033
Well, at least I'm going up.
318
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,467
That's a good sign.
319
00:12:04,534 --> 00:12:06,334
(yells)
320
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:07,834
(tires screeching)
321
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:10,801
Wait, fellas.
You got the wrong guy.
322
00:12:10,868 --> 00:12:13,400
I've always supported
the senseless killing of people
323
00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,067
for their tennis shoes!
324
00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:17,267
Wow!
325
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:28,467
MAN'S VOICE:
Step into the light.
326
00:12:28,534 --> 00:12:30,567
Step out of the light.
327
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:32,734
Put your left foot in.
328
00:12:32,801 --> 00:12:35,067
Take your left foot out.
329
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:37,100
Put your left foot in
330
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:39,100
and shake it all about.
331
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:40,501
I know,you're probably thinking
332
00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:42,868
what a gross misuse of power.
333
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:45,501
Well, you wantto make something of it?
334
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:47,033
Just follow the light.
335
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,601
Wait a minute.
336
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,100
I know this place.
(harp music playing)
337
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,434
The booming voice,
the billowy clouds,
338
00:12:52,501 --> 00:12:54,501
the pearly gates,
the harp music.
339
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:56,934
Give me another clue.
340
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,701
It's heaven!
(lively music playing)
341
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,767
I have your file here.
342
00:13:01,834 --> 00:13:03,767
We've tried to provide you
343
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:07,234
with everythingyou ever wanted in your life.
344
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,234
(Duckman laughing)
345
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,801
Care to throw an axe, sir?
346
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:12,467
Banzai!
347
00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:15,067
Wait. There's been a mistakein your file.
348
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:17,634
You're not supposedto be here.
(gasps): What?!
349
00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:19,734
I knew it! I knew it was
too good to be true!
350
00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:22,801
I mean, I haven't exactly been
a poster boy for religion--
351
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,767
me and Teresa DeLorenzo
in the confessional,
352
00:13:24,834 --> 00:13:27,267
painting the moustache
on that statue at the Vatican.
353
00:13:27,334 --> 00:13:30,133
Of course, that one
wasn't my fault! I was drunk!
354
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,467
All right, fine!
That's just fine!
355
00:13:32,534 --> 00:13:34,367
Go ahead and send me
to eternal damnation.
356
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,501
I'd rather laugh
with the sinners
357
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:39,167
than cry with the saints
any day, buster.
358
00:13:39,234 --> 00:13:41,434
What I meant was, you're notsupposed to be dead yet.
359
00:13:41,501 --> 00:13:42,834
I'm sending you back.
360
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:45,334
Thank you. Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
361
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,067
Uh, by the way, I was...
362
00:13:47,133 --> 00:13:48,601
I was kidding
about that Vatican thing.
363
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,601
While I have you here, Duckman,
364
00:13:50,667 --> 00:13:53,667
I want to give you somethingto take back down.
365
00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,367
What is it, cash?
Next year's Super Bowl results?
366
00:13:56,434 --> 00:13:59,300
Hey, how about a picture--
me, you, a few dead celebrities?
367
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,767
It's somethingI give everyone who comes here.
368
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:04,501
You're just one of the luckyfew who get to leave with it.
369
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:07,934
It's the ultimate answerto the ultimate question.
370
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,934
It's... the meaning of life.
371
00:14:11,033 --> 00:14:12,834
Oh. No chance of the picture,
huh?
372
00:14:13,934 --> 00:14:15,400
An Etch A Sketch?
373
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:17,133
Don't get me wrong, I'd love
to know the meaning of life,
374
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,567
but how am I supposed to get it
from this?
375
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:21,033
You could have read ituntil you shook it off.
376
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:22,300
Can't you put it back?
377
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,000
Sorry. I'm extremely busy.
378
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:26,467
I promised Clevelandthey'd win the pennant.
379
00:14:26,534 --> 00:14:28,834
Wait. Could you stamp my hand
so I could get back in.
380
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,133
(Duckman yells)
Plummet safely.
381
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,100
(screaming)
382
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,334
(yelling)
383
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,801
(grunts)
384
00:14:36,868 --> 00:14:39,968
I highly recommend
the pi�a colada.
385
00:14:40,033 --> 00:14:42,300
Ooh, boy.
386
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:43,901
I think I put on a few.
387
00:14:43,968 --> 00:14:45,133
(grunts)
388
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:51,834
Well, look who's up.
389
00:14:51,901 --> 00:14:53,400
Forget it, boys.
390
00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:54,667
He pulled through.
391
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:55,767
(all groan)
392
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:57,334
Try Mrs. Gleaner in 208.
393
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,000
She was hacking up a storm
this morning.
394
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,501
Used organs--
booming market.
395
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,767
I'm alive.
396
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:04,167
I can't believe it!
397
00:15:04,234 --> 00:15:05,334
I went to heaven.
398
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:06,501
I met God.
399
00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:07,834
He bought me a drink.
400
00:15:07,901 --> 00:15:10,167
I actually
experienced a miracle.
401
00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:11,567
That's impossible.
402
00:15:11,634 --> 00:15:13,067
I'm a highly trained
professional.
403
00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:15,167
Don't you think I'd notice
if one of my patients died.
404
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:16,734
(gasps
and continuous beep)
405
00:15:16,801 --> 00:15:18,367
You don't believe me, huh?
406
00:15:18,434 --> 00:15:20,167
Then what
do you call this?
407
00:15:20,234 --> 00:15:21,534
Gift from a cheap relative.
408
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:22,767
It's an
Etch A Sketch.
409
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:24,667
The meaning of life
was written on this!
410
00:15:24,734 --> 00:15:26,167
(continuous beeping continues)
I'm out of here.
411
00:15:26,234 --> 00:15:28,133
I'm going home to tell my
family they were right!
412
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,868
I really met Him!
413
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:35,767
And from this day forward,
I'm a changed ducky!
414
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:37,934
What the hell's that beeping?
(continuous beeping continues)
415
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,100
(tires screeching)
416
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:42,767
Bernice,
Ajax, twins!
417
00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:45,767
I, Duckman,
have experienced a miracle!
418
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:46,601
(all gasp)
419
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,133
I know it sounds incredible,
420
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,734
but you were right
and I was wrong.
421
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:51,467
Miracles do exist!
422
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,267
Now, I've seen everything.
423
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:54,667
I want to shout it out!
424
00:15:54,734 --> 00:15:57,501
I want the whole world
to know what I know!
425
00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:59,334
Do it!
Pour it on!
426
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,634
But for now it's enough to share
my incredible experience
427
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,667
with my loving family.
428
00:16:03,734 --> 00:16:05,567
The Coagulo sauce
429
00:16:05,634 --> 00:16:07,167
really is thicker.
430
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,000
You're right.
431
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:11,100
No need
to convert the converted.
432
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,601
I got to go out
and tell my story
433
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,234
to those poor,
unenlightened people
434
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:18,000
who aren't yet lucky enough
to believe.
435
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,501
That reminds me--
the painting's still gone.
436
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:20,834
Has anyone seen your father?
437
00:16:20,901 --> 00:16:23,334
Nope.
Uh-uh.
Me neither.
438
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,501
This is great.
439
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:27,534
I've never had
such a sense of purpose.
440
00:16:27,601 --> 00:16:30,701
Doing what all the great
religious leaders have done
441
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:33,534
since time immemorial.
442
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:34,868
Excuse me.
443
00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:36,367
I'm the prophet Duckman.
444
00:16:36,434 --> 00:16:38,067
I'm here to
spread the...
445
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:39,300
(groans)
446
00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:40,801
Have a nice day.
447
00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:42,100
Hello, my child...
448
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,133
Ow!
449
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,467
Brother, if I could...
450
00:16:44,534 --> 00:16:45,801
(groans)
451
00:16:45,868 --> 00:16:47,133
Cute little baby.
452
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,133
(squeals)
453
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,467
Well, it can only get better.
454
00:16:51,534 --> 00:16:53,367
(screams)
455
00:16:53,434 --> 00:16:55,467
I'm doing something wrong-- I'm
not getting through to people.
456
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:57,801
How can I get people to listen
to what I have to say?
457
00:16:57,868 --> 00:17:00,400
MAN (on TV):
We'll return to Mother Mirabelle
458
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:01,834
and her special guests
(jet flying overhead)
459
00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:04,868
after a few more words than
necessary from our sponsor.
460
00:17:05,834 --> 00:17:07,167
Welcome back.
461
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,734
We have a treat for you today.
462
00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:12,400
Assembled in the same room,
for the first time in history,
463
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:16,234
six of the world's
foremost religious leaders.
464
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,133
(weak applause)
I told you they had low TVQs.
465
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,300
Tonight's filler,
until we find that painting:
466
00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:24,801
Religious unity.
467
00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:27,968
And we'll start with
the Roman numeral one himself.
468
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:31,667
Your Holiness, given that all
religions preach brotherhood,
469
00:17:31,734 --> 00:17:33,200
love of your fellow man,
470
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:36,467
and tolerance for all people
without exception,
471
00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:39,801
why is it that the world's
different religions
472
00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:42,501
have never been able
to achieve unity?
473
00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:43,667
You got me.
474
00:17:43,734 --> 00:17:45,334
Good question.
Yes, indeed.
475
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,467
Well, wouldn't it be a miracle--
476
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,801
not to mention
a much-needed ratings boost--
477
00:17:50,868 --> 00:17:54,100
if we could achieve
a first-ever religious unity
478
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:57,501
right here on our stage tonight?
479
00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:59,000
Sure would.
Indubitably.
480
00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:01,200
I am willing to embrace
religious unity
481
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,467
if everyone else is.
482
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:05,334
What do you say,
Rabbi?
483
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,133
Eh... why not?
484
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,534
Sure. Fine with me.
485
00:18:10,601 --> 00:18:11,968
Hey, guys, pyramid.
486
00:18:12,033 --> 00:18:14,334
Well, there you
have it, folks.
487
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,300
We've seen some big miracles
on the Home Miracle Network,
488
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:21,467
but this is no doubt
the biggest.
489
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:22,834
Listen, Mother Mirabelle.
490
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:24,801
I have a bigger miracle
to tell you about.
491
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,501
The biggest miracle
of them all.
(gasps)
492
00:18:26,567 --> 00:18:28,667
I've been
to the other side!
493
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:30,801
Damn. It's the duck.
494
00:18:30,868 --> 00:18:32,300
(Duckman stuttering)
495
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,767
Get off of me,
you fat load!
496
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:38,534
I may be fat, but at least
I don't wear a diaper.
497
00:18:38,601 --> 00:18:41,133
Oh, yeah? Well,
you can kiss my diaper!
498
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,534
Nice mouth
for a Zen master.
499
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:44,033
RABBI:
Who died and made you God?!
500
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:46,634
Bite my (speaking
foreign language).
What, are you a meshugena?
501
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:49,567
(all arguing)
502
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:50,968
Please!
503
00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:52,968
Can't we all just get along?
504
00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:54,334
(blows landing, grunting)
505
00:18:56,868 --> 00:18:58,801
You should be ashamed
of yourselves!
506
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:00,133
All of you!
507
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,467
You're supposed
to be religious leaders!
508
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:04,300
ALL:
Religious leaders?!
509
00:19:04,367 --> 00:19:05,868
We're not
religious leaders.
510
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:07,267
We're religious impersonators.
511
00:19:07,334 --> 00:19:09,300
Mother Mirabelle hired
us as a change of pace
512
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:11,200
while the painting was gone.
513
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:12,501
I'm the real thing.
514
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:15,067
I needed some good
press in the States.
515
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,767
Nice pyramid.
Not a bad fight either.
516
00:19:16,834 --> 00:19:17,868
Let's do it
again sometime.
517
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:19,167
They're all frauds.
518
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:20,567
Mother Mirabelle's a fraud.
(siren wailing)
519
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:23,567
At least my miracle was real.
520
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:25,400
I see you found
my Etch A Sketch.
521
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,734
What do you mean,
your Etch A Sketch?
522
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:30,734
She engineered the theft
to boost ratings
(Mother Mirabelle sobbing)
523
00:19:30,801 --> 00:19:32,234
when it was
returned,
524
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:33,501
then let us take the case
525
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:34,934
so it would look like
she was trying to find it.
526
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,901
What do you mean,
your Etch A Sketch?!
527
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:39,067
I began to suspect her after
fighting off Big Da Da's gang
528
00:19:39,133 --> 00:19:41,434
and hijacking the truck that
was taking you out of town.
529
00:19:41,501 --> 00:19:43,868
So I went to the police, took
some pants in for alterations,
530
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:46,200
then raced you to the hospital
in the nick of time.
531
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:48,868
What do you mean
your Etch A Sketch?!
532
00:19:48,934 --> 00:19:51,100
Perhaps I should tell you
about my Etch A Sketch.
533
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:52,534
You were out cold,
so I played with it
534
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:54,033
while I watched the news
in your room.
535
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,767
You didn't miss much--
a fire, a drive-by,
536
00:19:55,834 --> 00:19:57,767
a segment on Silly String,
a tornado
537
00:19:57,834 --> 00:19:59,133
and reviews of the Rockettes
538
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,801
and that new Hawaiian
steak and colada restaurant
539
00:20:00,868 --> 00:20:02,133
that allows smoking.
540
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,434
* You can eat it in,
you can take it out *
541
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:07,701
* Our steaks and coladas will
make you scream and shout. *
542
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:09,100
That's my miracle.
543
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:10,701
Are you saying
that I didn't really have one?
544
00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:12,200
That I didn't go to heaven?
545
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:13,534
That all those things happened
546
00:20:13,601 --> 00:20:15,267
because you were watching them
on the news?
547
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:17,434
And because of that pink plastic
you were wrapped in.
548
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:19,567
The pink plastic
I was wrapped in?
549
00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:22,133
Polymethyl styrene--
causes hallucinations.
550
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,400
It causes
hallucinations?
551
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:24,734
Only for a while.
552
00:20:24,801 --> 00:20:26,400
Then it causes you
to ask unnecessary questions.
553
00:20:26,467 --> 00:20:27,734
Unnecessary
questions?
554
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,067
Shut up.
555
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,033
(voice breaks):
You want me to shut up?
556
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:33,067
TWIN:
No way.
557
00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:34,834
Mohammed woulddefinitely beat Moses
558
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,501
at CelebrityWord Scramble.
559
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:38,167
TWIN #2:
Would not!
(car dieseling)
560
00:20:38,234 --> 00:20:39,501
Moses wrotethe Torah.
561
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:41,968
It has over50,000 words!
562
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:43,501
So what?
They're all in Hebrew.
563
00:20:43,567 --> 00:20:45,167
Those words still
look scrambled!
564
00:20:45,234 --> 00:20:47,133
Moses!
Mohammed!
Moses!
565
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,767
(twins grunting)
566
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:51,934
Hey, it's that guy on TV.
567
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,701
I made a fool
of myself.
568
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:55,367
Don't be upset, Duckman.
569
00:20:55,434 --> 00:20:58,534
Lots of religious visionaries
were misunderstood, persecuted,
570
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:02,534
even publicly humiliated
in their time.
571
00:21:02,601 --> 00:21:04,801
Of course, none of
them went on live TV
572
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:07,667
waving a magic
Etch A Sketch!
573
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:11,167
(all laughing)
574
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:13,033
Well, for one fleeting moment
575
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,734
I got to feel
the way you get to feel.
576
00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:17,567
It felt nice to know
that for sure
577
00:21:17,634 --> 00:21:20,067
someone was out there
making incredible things happen.
578
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:21,734
Someone was watching over us.
579
00:21:21,801 --> 00:21:24,400
Someone I could turn to
at any moment of any day.
580
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,534
I shouldn't have tried
to take that away from you.
581
00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,234
Not that I'll ever
get sucked in again.
582
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,567
I'm back.
583
00:21:29,634 --> 00:21:31,667
And let me tell you,
it will be a cold day in Hawaii
584
00:21:31,734 --> 00:21:33,901
before I just accept the fact
that there's anything out there
585
00:21:33,968 --> 00:21:35,634
that has that much power
over our lives.
586
00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:38,133
That we should let control
everything we say and do.
587
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,567
That we should worship
24 hours a day.
588
00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:41,901
(laughing)
(screaming on TV)
589
00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,634
Hey, look,
there's a tanker explosion
590
00:21:43,701 --> 00:21:45,901
on America's Most TragicHome Videos.
591
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:48,033
GOD:
I see.
592
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:52,200
They're saying televisionis worshipped like a religion.
593
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:54,968
I hate message shows.
43627
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