Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,334 --> 00:00:11,000
(whistles)
2
00:00:40,901 --> 00:00:43,701
(footsteps approaching)
3
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:47,734
(screaming)
4
00:01:16,601 --> 00:01:18,734
(screaming)
5
00:01:18,801 --> 00:01:21,734
This sounds like more
than we can handle.
6
00:01:26,467 --> 00:01:27,868
(chuckling)
7
00:01:27,934 --> 00:01:29,334
Amusing.
8
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,968
It's not without a certain
understated omniscience.
9
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,467
(screaming)
10
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:57,501
Unhand her, cad,
or I'll have to disarm you.
11
00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,000
(chuckling)
12
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:02,267
Save that for my next book.
13
00:02:02,334 --> 00:02:04,200
Stay back,
Duckman,
14
00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:05,934
or it's going
to get ugly.
15
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,868
I said
stay back!
16
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:11,534
One more step, and
I'll... I'll...
17
00:02:11,601 --> 00:02:12,834
and I'll...
18
00:02:12,901 --> 00:02:14,767
pull back
this curtain.
19
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:16,667
That's right,
20
00:02:16,734 --> 00:02:18,033
it's This Could Be Your Life--
21
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,300
the show that each week
takes a memorable personality
22
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:22,200
we can cross-promote
with the evening news
23
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,100
and asks the
burning question:
24
00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:27,601
What makes him or her
so unique, so special,
25
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:28,634
so one-of-a-kind,
26
00:02:28,701 --> 00:02:29,968
we'll watch them on TV
27
00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:32,467
rather than have go out and
have a life of our own?
28
00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:33,701
Tonight's guest
29
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:36,133
that incomparable
crime-fighting hero--
30
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,234
Duckman!
31
00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:40,634
AUDIENCE:
Duckman! Duckman! Duckman!
32
00:02:40,701 --> 00:02:42,901
(whispering)
What? Really?
33
00:02:42,968 --> 00:02:45,801
Well, Duckman,
according to your family,
34
00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,601
you're not an incomparable
crime-fighting hero.
35
00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:50,367
You're not
special or unique.
36
00:02:50,434 --> 00:02:51,767
In fact, there's
absolutely nothing
37
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:53,501
memorable about
you at all.
38
00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:56,868
(screaming)
39
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:00,901
Whoa!
40
00:03:00,968 --> 00:03:02,000
Smoke!
41
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,534
Smoke!
42
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:04,734
I need a smoke.
43
00:03:04,801 --> 00:03:05,968
Ow!
44
00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:12,868
(slurping)
45
00:03:12,934 --> 00:03:14,534
Mmm.
46
00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:18,968
BERNICE:
What's the matter?
47
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,434
You seem a little down
this morning.
48
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,868
It's okay.
You can tell me about it.
49
00:03:23,934 --> 00:03:25,267
I'm here for you.
50
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:26,934
If you really want to know...
Uh-huh.
51
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,534
I had that dream again--
Oh...
52
00:03:28,601 --> 00:03:31,400
the one where no one cares
about anything I say or do.
53
00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:32,667
Quiet, you worthless sack
of pillow stuffing!
54
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:33,667
I'm on the phone!
55
00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:36,367
We'll talk at lunch.
56
00:03:36,434 --> 00:03:38,133
Duckman, you left feathers
on the sink last night,
57
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,534
you were supposed to get
your dog neutered--
58
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:41,067
I caught him looking funny
at the hamster again--
59
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:44,067
and you've been smoking!
I can smell it on your breath!
60
00:03:44,133 --> 00:03:45,834
I was not smoking!
61
00:03:45,901 --> 00:03:48,067
You can't accuse me of something
I wasn't even doing.
62
00:03:48,133 --> 00:03:50,534
Oh, yeah? Then you were sucking
on the bottom of an ashtray
63
00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:52,801
like some pathetic and
disgusting nicotine junkie.
64
00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,000
That's better.
65
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,434
I'm telling you
for the last time, Duckman,
66
00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:56,701
I don't want this house
67
00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:58,734
smelling like one of your stale,
old cigarette butts.
68
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:00,067
(breaking wind)
69
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,834
Like my
stale old butts
70
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:03,167
are the problem
around here.
71
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:04,667
Grandma-ma can't help it.
72
00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:06,000
She's comatose.
73
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,167
Ow!
74
00:04:07,234 --> 00:04:08,501
And you will be, too,
75
00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:10,834
if you touch
the children's breakfast.
76
00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,367
Fine. I'll make
77
00:04:12,434 --> 00:04:14,801
my own damn breakfast...
again!
78
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:17,300
No fats, no preservatives,
no red and yellow dyes.
79
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,968
Hmm. Shows you what happens
when you let a bunch
80
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,567
of pasty-faced, pansy-wiped
scientists
81
00:04:21,634 --> 00:04:23,801
get you all worked up
over a few carcinogens.
82
00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:25,133
Yeast cakes--
83
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,267
every bite a
nutritional potpourri.
84
00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:29,100
Uh, morning, son.
85
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:30,534
How's school?
86
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,634
(choking)
87
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,501
(spits)
88
00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:37,868
Ahh!
89
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,534
There's my stopwatch.
90
00:04:39,601 --> 00:04:40,701
CHARLES:
Is not!
91
00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:41,701
MAMBO:
Is so!
92
00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:42,968
CHARLES: Is not!
MAMBO: Is so!
93
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,234
Your theory totally overlooks
the ontological side.
94
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,801
And yours underestimates
the Cartesian perspective
95
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:49,501
on antisocial pathology.
96
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:50,834
Freudian.
Jungian.
97
00:04:50,901 --> 00:04:52,234
(grunting)
98
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,400
Charles, Mambo,
knock it off.
99
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,100
You're giving me
a headache.
100
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:58,100
Boys, not in front
of Grandma-ma.
101
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:00,834
Yeast cakes!
Yeast cakes!
102
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,300
BOTH:
Good morning, Grandma-ma.
103
00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:03,701
That's it.
I've had it.
104
00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:06,067
For all the response
I get around here,
105
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:07,901
I might as well
be invisible!
106
00:05:07,968 --> 00:05:09,367
I know your mother died.
107
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,267
I know she left you
and the house to her sister.
108
00:05:12,334 --> 00:05:14,467
But I still live here!
I'm still the man of the house!
109
00:05:14,534 --> 00:05:16,000
And I demand to be heard!
110
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,267
(voice fading:)
To be recognized! To be...
111
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:19,701
(breaking wind)
112
00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:22,033
DUCKMAN:
So, my sister-in-law
113
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,334
is a walking Cuisinart.
114
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,200
My children do treat me
115
00:05:25,267 --> 00:05:26,534
like some kind of skin rash.
116
00:05:26,601 --> 00:05:28,701
At least I'm freeway-close!
117
00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,067
(crashing)
118
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:32,200
MAN:
My tire!
119
00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:33,133
I don't get it.
120
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,367
I brake for animals
121
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:35,801
if they're big enough
to dent my car.
122
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,968
I don't pop any zits
above the eye line.
123
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,467
I treat others the way
I'd like to be treated.
124
00:05:40,534 --> 00:05:41,534
(tires screeching)
125
00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:43,367
Same to you, sister!
126
00:05:43,434 --> 00:05:48,467
Devote a lifetime to the church,
they think they own the road.
127
00:05:48,534 --> 00:05:51,667
It would just be nice
for once to be noticed--
128
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,801
get the kind of attention
I deserve.
129
00:05:57,901 --> 00:05:59,734
Note to myself:
130
00:05:59,801 --> 00:06:01,067
More thumbtacks
131
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:02,734
in the bird feeder.
132
00:06:02,801 --> 00:06:05,834
What the hell are you
staring at?!
133
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,334
Hello, Mr. Duckman.
134
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,334
Being aware of your
little digestive problem,
135
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,334
we made you
a bran muffin
136
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,501
and a mug of steaming
liquid grits.
137
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,968
Be good
to your bowels
138
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:16,901
and they'll be
good to you.
139
00:06:16,968 --> 00:06:19,501
We also called your
doctor to tell him
140
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,834
we think you've been
a naughty detective.
141
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:23,534
You've been
smoking again.
142
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:24,567
And he said...
143
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,868
Quote...
144
00:06:25,934 --> 00:06:28,400
"Keep it up and his heart
will burst and splatter
145
00:06:28,467 --> 00:06:30,868
all over the inside of
his tar-filled lungs."
146
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:32,534
End quote.
147
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,734
So we set traps
148
00:06:33,801 --> 00:06:35,701
in all your
cigarette packages.
149
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:36,934
(grunting)
150
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,367
(truck horn blaring)
151
00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:39,934
Don't worry about Fluffy, sir.
152
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,534
That's the good thing
about being stuffed.
153
00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:44,434
We're very resilient.
154
00:06:45,934 --> 00:06:48,400
That Mr. Duckman--
155
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:52,033
he's getting much better
at expressing his emotions.
156
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,767
So what if they
work for free?
157
00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:55,767
The last thing I need
this morning
158
00:06:55,834 --> 00:06:59,434
is a couple of touchy-feely
secretaries some cat coughed up.
159
00:06:59,501 --> 00:07:01,000
(door opens)
160
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,567
Fine, thank you.
Just peachy.
161
00:07:02,634 --> 00:07:04,100
And how are you today?
162
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:05,434
Aces, Duckman.
163
00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:08,467
I'm doomed, Cornfed, doomed
to live an unnoticed life--
164
00:07:08,534 --> 00:07:09,834
an anonymous drone
stepped over
165
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:12,033
and unappreciated
till the day I die.
166
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:14,167
Is it me or does your
hair have more body?
167
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,634
Are you
listening to me?!
168
00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:17,167
I'm invisible, Corny.
169
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:19,133
I'm falling through the cracks
without leaving a mark.
170
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,834
My own family ignores me,
and who can blame them?
171
00:07:21,901 --> 00:07:23,734
There's nothing special
about me, nothing unique.
172
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:26,000
I'm just one more duck detective
who works with a pig
173
00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:28,067
and lives with the twin sister
of his dead wife,
174
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:30,067
three sons in two bodies
and a comatose mother-in-law
175
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:32,100
who's got so much gas,
she's a fire hazard.
176
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,200
Sure, but there are things
177
00:07:33,267 --> 00:07:34,667
that stand out
about you, too.
178
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:37,934
Like what? Name one thing
about me that stands out,
179
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,300
that I'll be
remembered for.
180
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,701
(engine droning outside)
181
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:44,100
Is that a zeppelin?
182
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:45,534
Oh, nice!
183
00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:47,767
You see, I'm not unique!
I'm not special!
184
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:50,734
I don't even have a coffee mug
with my name on it!
185
00:07:50,801 --> 00:07:51,968
It's the dream
again, Duckman.
186
00:07:52,033 --> 00:07:53,300
You're letting it win.
187
00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:55,200
I know, I used to have
a recurring dream.
188
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,467
I'd dream I fell and hit
my head on a fishbowl--
189
00:07:57,534 --> 00:07:58,701
hurt myself just bad enough
190
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,534
to work graveyard shift
at a convenient store.
191
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:03,200
A group of Hare Krishnas
always came in at 4:00 A.M.
192
00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:04,734
and bought 16 gallons
of Mr. Slushy
193
00:08:04,801 --> 00:08:06,601
and a package of
banana-flavored Ding Dongs.
194
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,667
Then the Swedish bikini team
jumped out of a magazine
195
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:09,934
and read Moby Dick to me
196
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,501
inside a giant carton
of cottage cheese.
197
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:13,434
"Why?" I'd ask myself.
"What could it mean?
198
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:15,367
"Am I mad? Or is the world
199
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,968
simply a mystery too
complex to understand?"
200
00:08:18,033 --> 00:08:18,968
Mm-hmm.
201
00:08:19,033 --> 00:08:20,968
Um, getting back to me!
202
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:22,400
(intercom buzzing)
203
00:08:22,467 --> 00:08:25,100
FLUFFY:
Mr. Duckman,
a package just came.
204
00:08:25,167 --> 00:08:27,501
URANUS:
But we think
we should send it back.
205
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:30,734
It's wrapped in
non-biodegradable plastic tape.
206
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:31,734
Just open it!
207
00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:33,601
Not that I ever get
anything good.
208
00:08:33,667 --> 00:08:35,868
No one out there cares
if I live or die either.
209
00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:42,934
Good news: someone cares.
210
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,000
It's true, Corny!
211
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:45,534
Someone sent
a bomb to me!
212
00:08:45,601 --> 00:08:46,934
Someone actually
wants me dead!
213
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,501
But who? I can't
think of anyone
214
00:08:48,567 --> 00:08:50,000
who would want
to kill me.
215
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:52,434
Well, there's your paper boy,
the neighbor with the dog
216
00:08:52,501 --> 00:08:54,334
you set the bear traps for,
the cab driver's union,
217
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,634
the father
of that ballerina...
218
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,567
Never mind. I know
who it has to be. Let's go.
219
00:08:57,634 --> 00:08:59,434
...two of your uncles,
Scout troop 44...
220
00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:02,033
Mr. Duckman, if you could find
our arms and legs?
221
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:04,834
This radiator's
getting a tad warm.
222
00:09:09,267 --> 00:09:11,267
(alarm sounding)
223
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:14,300
DUCKMAN:
Thanks for letting ussee the prisoner, Warden.
224
00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:16,501
Obviously,
this is a very serious matter.
225
00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:18,000
(stifled laughter)
226
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:21,300
I'm the one
who had him arrested.
227
00:09:21,367 --> 00:09:24,300
I'm sure he's
seeking revenge
228
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:27,501
by trying to violently
end my life.
229
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,067
Why do you think
it's him?
230
00:09:30,133 --> 00:09:32,634
I'm a detective, Warden.
We make a living on our hunches.
231
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:34,567
I was able to eliminate
others I've captured
232
00:09:34,634 --> 00:09:37,133
because our cater-to-everyone-
but-the-victim legal system
233
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,434
let them off on technicalities.
234
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:39,534
They weren't guilty.
235
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,400
Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.
236
00:09:41,467 --> 00:09:42,534
Can we just get on with this?
237
00:09:42,601 --> 00:09:44,534
Lucky for them,
they're behind bars.
238
00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:46,701
I'd love to teach
these brain-dead,
239
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:50,434
bread-and-water-eating
scumbags some manners.
240
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:52,567
Did I mention
we're on the honor system?
241
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,033
A little prison humor, fellas.
242
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:59,534
Fact is, some of my best friends
are brain-dead,
243
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:01,868
bread-and-water-eating scumbags.
244
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,200
PRISONERS:
Oh, okay.
245
00:10:03,267 --> 00:10:04,400
That's
all right.
246
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:08,467
DUCKMAN:
What happens, Warden?
247
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:09,868
What snaps in a man?
248
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:11,100
What makes him sink so low
249
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,767
that he ends up spending
an empty lifetime
250
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:14,100
in a hellhole like this?
251
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:15,501
Good dental plan.
252
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:17,501
Oh, oh. You meant
the prisoners.
253
00:10:17,567 --> 00:10:18,667
Who knows?
254
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:21,567
Too many violent cartoons
when they were kids.
255
00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:23,133
Rehab.
256
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,467
We like to acclimate prisoners,
not just back into society,
257
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:28,801
but into
high society.
258
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:30,033
There are those, of course,
259
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,634
who are too far gone
to be rehabilitated...
260
00:10:32,701 --> 00:10:35,133
the white-collar
criminals.
261
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,367
There's gang
activity brewing.
262
00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:38,033
They're wearing
their colors today.
263
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,067
Inside traders
in the red ties.
264
00:10:40,133 --> 00:10:41,968
S & L executives
in the blue.
265
00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:44,067
Zero coupon bonds!
266
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,467
Muni's!
267
00:10:45,534 --> 00:10:47,133
Zero coupon bonds!
Muni's!
268
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,334
WARDEN:
It's a very delicate situation.
269
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,834
One misstep could cause
a full-scale riot.
270
00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:55,000
(gunfire)
271
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:57,334
(alarms sounding)
272
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,534
(chuckling)
273
00:10:58,601 --> 00:11:00,501
Frees up a few more cells.
274
00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:02,868
WARDEN:
The cell of
Wolfgang Cracker--
275
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:04,534
the cannibalistic maniac
276
00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:08,000
who has committed some of
the most horrendous crimes
277
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,234
known to mankind.
278
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:10,868
(sarcastically):
Ooh, I'm shaking.
279
00:11:10,934 --> 00:11:12,534
I caught him once.
280
00:11:12,601 --> 00:11:14,868
I think I'm ready
for whatever he's got.
281
00:11:14,934 --> 00:11:17,534
(screaming)
(screams)
282
00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:18,868
(chuckling)
283
00:11:18,934 --> 00:11:20,234
Sorry.
Did I scare you?
284
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,033
A little fun I have.
285
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:23,334
People seem to expect it.
286
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,434
Please,
do come in.
287
00:11:25,501 --> 00:11:27,167
You have a photo
session at 4:00--
288
00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:28,767
with the mask.
289
00:11:28,834 --> 00:11:31,100
The mayor's asked you to do two
more cannibal awareness spots.
290
00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:34,234
The Beef Council called again
and so did Heinz.
291
00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:35,734
Impressive, no?--
292
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:39,567
what a monstrously grotesque
crime and a good agent can do.
293
00:11:39,634 --> 00:11:41,901
I don't believe
I caught your name.
294
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:43,067
You know who I am, pal.
295
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:44,901
I'm the guy
who put you away!
296
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:46,667
Oh, yes! Dogman...
Darkwing, Daffy...
297
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:47,334
Duckman!
298
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,501
Duckman! Precisely.
299
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,234
The one I tripped over.
300
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,667
We don't need
to go into that now.
301
00:11:52,734 --> 00:11:53,701
His sister-in-law
was chasing him
302
00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:55,133
with a waffle iron
when he slipped
303
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,000
on his son's skateboard
and rolled into the street
304
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,968
just as Cracker was
running to his getaway car
305
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:00,801
causing Cracker
to trip over Duckman,
306
00:12:00,868 --> 00:12:02,534
flying into a
passing police car.
307
00:12:02,601 --> 00:12:04,534
You think that was
an accident? Ha!
308
00:12:04,601 --> 00:12:06,534
And now you've sworn revenge.
309
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,434
You're trying to kill me!
310
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:09,834
Yes, the parole board called.
311
00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:12,267
They'd like to discuss
releasing you tomorrow at 2:00.
312
00:12:12,334 --> 00:12:13,501
Can't. PTA is
here at 2:00.
313
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,100
Try breakfast, month
from Wednesday.
314
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,200
Getting caught
is the best thing
315
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:17,634
that ever happened
to me, Duct Tape.
316
00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:19,567
I've become rich and
famous in prison.
317
00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:20,934
I've even helped erase
318
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,934
the silly stigma attached
to my particular avocation.
319
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,033
You know, eat 20, 25 people
they label you.
320
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:29,033
But thanks to my book
My Favorite Finger Foods--
321
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,133
35 weeks
as a national best seller--
322
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,167
what was once
an unspeakable taboo
323
00:12:33,234 --> 00:12:34,734
is now
a life-style choice.
324
00:12:34,801 --> 00:12:37,300
Arnold's on one-- wants to be
in your next exercise video.
325
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:39,334
Two's Gabor about your new line
of greeting cards.
326
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:39,968
Call backs.
327
00:12:40,033 --> 00:12:40,968
And, of course,
328
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:42,601
I've found
religion as well.
329
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,934
Now I only eat
fishermen on Fridays.
330
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,701
Only kidding.
331
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:49,834
My success guarantees that
I'll be loved by millions
332
00:12:49,901 --> 00:12:52,334
while you'll live
and die in obscurity.
333
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,834
So, with regards to my
334
00:12:53,901 --> 00:12:55,501
having you killed,
Dark Meat...
335
00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:56,801
why bother?
336
00:12:56,868 --> 00:12:58,834
Special delivery.
337
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:03,167
Ah... I'd say another
organ of some kind.
338
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:05,300
Fans...
if you'll excuse me.
339
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,200
I don't buy what you're selling,
Cracker.
340
00:13:08,267 --> 00:13:11,701
Every instinct I've honed
over all my years as a detective
341
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:14,400
tells me you're the only one
who could be trying to kill me!
342
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,267
(groaning)
343
00:13:19,334 --> 00:13:22,901
Of course,
I could be convinced otherwise.
344
00:13:26,434 --> 00:13:28,033
I'm feeling
a little frazzled--
345
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,534
like things are
starting to unravel.
346
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,200
I sure could use
347
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:33,200
a chestful o' smoke
about now.
348
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:34,534
Ow!
349
00:13:34,601 --> 00:13:36,701
This bomber's going
to kill me, Cornfed!
350
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,734
He finds me
everywhere--
351
00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:40,868
in my office,
in the prison...
352
00:13:40,934 --> 00:13:41,868
In your car.
353
00:13:41,934 --> 00:13:44,200
(screams)
354
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,567
DUCKMAN:
Close one, Corny.
355
00:13:45,634 --> 00:13:48,501
At least this timeno one got hurt.
356
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,868
I don't want
to miss dinner.
357
00:13:55,934 --> 00:13:58,367
I got to take one more shot
at talking to my kids--
358
00:13:58,434 --> 00:14:00,901
connecting with them,
you know, before...
359
00:14:00,968 --> 00:14:02,167
Hey, twins...
360
00:14:02,234 --> 00:14:03,167
I just had a thought.
361
00:14:03,234 --> 00:14:04,234
Bet it hurt.
362
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,834
First one's
always the hardest.
363
00:14:05,901 --> 00:14:08,167
Is it possible to love
a sandwich so much
364
00:14:08,234 --> 00:14:09,534
you don't want
to eat it
365
00:14:09,601 --> 00:14:11,367
'cause then it'll be gone?
366
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:13,200
Hey, kids, I was thinking
367
00:14:13,267 --> 00:14:14,901
we could spend
a little bit of quality...
368
00:14:14,968 --> 00:14:16,567
Dibs on the window
closest to the exhaust.
369
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:19,467
Oh, Duckman, you're
three minutes late.
370
00:14:19,534 --> 00:14:20,901
I gave your
dinner to a man
371
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,367
who came to the door
selling blenders.
372
00:14:22,434 --> 00:14:23,868
And you got a message
from someone who said
373
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:25,100
you made a mistake
in your past
374
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:26,300
and you're gonna pay for it
375
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,067
by being blown into a thousand
little bits of flesh.
376
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:30,234
I'll be back at 9:30.
377
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:31,701
But wait!
378
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:32,868
Kids!
379
00:14:32,934 --> 00:14:34,667
I wanted to...
380
00:14:40,033 --> 00:14:41,968
(siren blaring)
381
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:43,467
The answer's up here.
382
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:46,167
The bomber said
I made a mistake in my past.
383
00:14:46,234 --> 00:14:48,167
My whole past
is in this attic.
384
00:14:48,234 --> 00:14:49,701
What a pigsty!
385
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:51,968
Oh, uh... figure of speech.
386
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,534
(grunting)
387
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:00,033
Huh.
388
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,334
Ironic, isn't it?
389
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,601
Your search
through the past
390
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,067
for clues to the
killer's identity
391
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:05,901
may actually provide clues
to your own identity...
392
00:15:05,968 --> 00:15:07,067
the search in the end
393
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:08,334
becoming man's
ultimate search--
394
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,868
the search for himself.
395
00:15:11,701 --> 00:15:13,100
You have a large wad
of broccoli
396
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:14,334
stuck between your teeth.
397
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,200
Here they are!
I knew I had them.
398
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:19,300
The answer's got to be in here--
home movies!
399
00:15:19,367 --> 00:15:20,634
Actually, I've
been putting off
400
00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,467
re-grouting that
bathroom tile too long.
401
00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:27,067
This first one goes back
to when I was really young.
402
00:15:29,801 --> 00:15:31,234
I want to
be captain!
403
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:32,901
Okeydokey, Duckboy.
I just want to be fair
404
00:15:32,968 --> 00:15:36,167
even though you have been
captain 37 times in a row.
405
00:15:36,234 --> 00:15:39,000
I want it, I want it,
I want it, I want it!
406
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,367
What the hell
are you staring at?
407
00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:43,634
Well, Duckman, just a reminder
408
00:15:43,701 --> 00:15:46,767
that treating others
like this young mouse does
409
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:49,067
is the surest road
to a successful
410
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:50,634
and rewarding life.
411
00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:53,667
I want it, I want it,
I want it, I want it!
412
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:58,234
So what? So the squeaky-voiced
little rodent
413
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,367
kissed a few rear ends,
made a buck or two.
414
00:16:00,434 --> 00:16:02,067
Maybe there's something
in these.
415
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,067
Help, Duckman, help!
416
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:05,734
Eat your spinach
417
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:09,901
so you can break through
the ropes and save me!
418
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:13,901
Help!
419
00:16:13,968 --> 00:16:17,534
Whoever got to be a hero
eating spinach?
420
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:20,868
(train whistle blaring)
421
00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:24,968
There's got to be something good
I did in here.
422
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,033
Hello, Mr.
Ranger, sir.
423
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:33,634
Where should my son and I
take our pic-a-nic basket?
424
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,100
One last camping
trip together
425
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,200
before he goes
to college
426
00:16:38,267 --> 00:16:41,501
and becomes better
than your average duck.
427
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,167
Uh, Dad... I've decided
not to go to college.
428
00:16:45,234 --> 00:16:46,834
No college?
429
00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:48,734
That would be
a big boo-boo.
430
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:50,567
You're going
to college
431
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,968
if I have to drag
you there myself.
432
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:54,467
(yelling)
433
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:04,501
Huh!
434
00:17:09,534 --> 00:17:11,667
So I met Beatrice instead.
435
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:13,567
That wasn't a mistake.
436
00:17:13,634 --> 00:17:18,334
TV ANNOUNCER:
Now for this week's jackpot
of $32 million dollars.
437
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,868
The winning numbers are
4, 11, 22, 51 and 88.
438
00:17:21,934 --> 00:17:23,367
That's me!
439
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:24,901
Whoo-hoo! I won!
440
00:17:24,968 --> 00:17:27,100
(chewing and swallowing)
441
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:28,267
(screaming)
442
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,400
Duckman, you're not using
my vacuum for that again.
443
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:35,100
I'll change the filter.
444
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,434
Honey, what am I
going to do with you?
445
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:38,467
Sometimes I think
446
00:17:38,534 --> 00:17:39,801
if anything
ever happened to me,
447
00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:43,067
I'd have to will those kids
and this house to my sister.
448
00:17:43,133 --> 00:17:45,000
(both chuckling)
449
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:46,901
Don't worry, Beatrice.
450
00:17:46,968 --> 00:17:50,234
Nothing's ever going
to happen to you.
451
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:52,901
Things sure have changed
over the years.
452
00:17:52,968 --> 00:17:54,434
I miss her.
453
00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:57,501
You know, tomorrow would have
been our wedding anniversary.
454
00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:59,734
I forgot.
I guess I blocked it out.
455
00:17:59,801 --> 00:18:01,634
It's the first one
I'll be spending without her.
456
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:02,834
That may explain
457
00:18:02,901 --> 00:18:04,901
the way you've been
feeling lately.
458
00:18:04,968 --> 00:18:06,601
(screams)
459
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:08,868
It's a dud, Corny. We're safe.
460
00:18:08,934 --> 00:18:11,434
Hey, look!
There's a note on the package.
461
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:14,434
"I'll see you at your grave."
462
00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:17,801
(evil laughter in distance)
463
00:18:17,868 --> 00:18:19,801
It's him!
464
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:21,567
Time for the obligatory chase.
465
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:24,868
(tires squealing)
466
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:27,267
What a yutz--
467
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:29,400
trying to hide
in a glow-in-the-dark T-shirt.
468
00:18:29,467 --> 00:18:31,100
Might as well send up
a warning flare.
469
00:18:33,934 --> 00:18:35,133
(snorts)
470
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,667
What, no map?
471
00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:42,000
(animals howling)
472
00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:47,067
(screaming)
473
00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:49,067
(screaming)
474
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:51,033
What the..? This is my plot.
475
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:55,000
Beatrice's is right next to it,
but I never bought a headstone.
476
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,000
I did, Duckman.
It's a trap.
477
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:58,501
I never saw it coming.
478
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,834
Oh, "rest in pieces,"
blow me up.
479
00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:02,234
Did I mention
480
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,834
how much I enjoyed
your sense of irony?
481
00:19:04,901 --> 00:19:06,667
Actually, I'm not going
to blow you up.
482
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:08,334
I'm going
to chop you up.
483
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,501
(screaming)
484
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:11,400
(chain saw buzzing)
485
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:12,767
(yelling)
486
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:14,067
Play with tigers,
487
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:16,200
you get covered
in yellow hair.
488
00:19:16,267 --> 00:19:18,267
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
489
00:19:18,334 --> 00:19:20,133
but I had to do something
to get you back
490
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,400
after you took
those pictures of me
491
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:22,667
having an affair.
492
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:25,367
I know my wife paid you to do
it, but it ruined my life.
493
00:19:25,434 --> 00:19:26,467
She left me.
494
00:19:26,534 --> 00:19:28,200
She was the only thing
that made me special.
495
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:31,334
Now I'm a nobody. It's like
I never even existed!
496
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,567
Wait a minute, pal.
Hold the phone.
497
00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:35,934
You're saying
I got paid on this job?
498
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,634
Gee, I'd remember that.
499
00:19:37,701 --> 00:19:39,267
You know, you're right.
500
00:19:39,334 --> 00:19:40,767
You're not the guy.
501
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:42,267
Sorry.
502
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:44,767
It's just that you look
a lot like him.
503
00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:47,767
In fact, you look like a million
other duck detectives.
504
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:50,367
It's not like
you stand out or anything.
505
00:19:50,434 --> 00:19:51,934
It's an honest mistake.
506
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,167
No hard feelings?
507
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,501
These things happen.
508
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:55,868
Listen, I'm, uh...
509
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:58,133
I'm a little too depressed
to take you down to the police.
510
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,667
Can I trust you
to turn yourself in?
511
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:01,367
Yeah, sure.
512
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,534
Boy, do I feel stupid.
513
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:05,501
You hear that, Cornfed?
I'm not special.
514
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:07,734
Even my own killer
doesn't think so.
515
00:20:07,801 --> 00:20:09,834
Get ahold of yourself,
Duckman.
516
00:20:09,901 --> 00:20:11,167
It's true, Cornfed.
517
00:20:11,234 --> 00:20:12,801
I'm just like
that bomber.
518
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:15,267
I lost my identity
when I lost my wife.
519
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:17,067
But you still
have something
520
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,567
he doesn't, remember?
521
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:19,567
His chain saw?
522
00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:20,767
Your children.
523
00:20:20,834 --> 00:20:22,167
You're still the only
father they have.
524
00:20:22,234 --> 00:20:23,501
That makes you special.
525
00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,701
No one else could have
created the family you did.
526
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,734
I mean that in a good way.
527
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,067
Oh, what's the point?
528
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,334
Their own mother didn't think
I was up to raising them.
529
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,467
And maybe I'm not.
530
00:20:32,534 --> 00:20:33,901
Maybe that's why
they ignore me.
531
00:20:33,968 --> 00:20:36,601
Beatrice made me
a better person.
532
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:41,033
Without her here to help, I'm...
I'm just not a very good father.
533
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:54,734
(everyone talking inside house)
534
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,033
Happy anniversary, Dad.
535
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,501
First one without Mom.
536
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:11,501
We know it's tough.
537
00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:13,734
We miss her, too.
538
00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:16,300
But I did want to tell you,
539
00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:19,334
the twins and me think
you're doing a good job, Dad,
540
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,934
and we love you.
541
00:21:44,834 --> 00:21:47,801
DUCKMAN:
Thank you... son.
38178
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
