Original subtitles

Mom, I wan t some cereal!

Harry!

Harry.

Wou Id y ou p lease lo ok after B i I ly?

I am.

You said y ou wou Id.

I'm try i ng to write.

J ust o ne more hour.

I'm almost do ne with th is p iece.

It's a v ery impressiv e piece, Harry.

Be proud of her.

You k now I wi I I, Lester.

C ome here, B i I ly.

Hey, Dad, want to wrestle?

N o.

Listen. Listen.

Wi I I y ou do me a fav or?

If y ou go and s it i n y our chair and be qu iet...

I'I I let y ou ho Id th is M ickey Mantle-s ig ned basebal I.

N ow my dad gave th is to me, s o it's very important to me.

Can y ou do that?

Okay.

Okay, thanks buddy.

- Hey! - Ah!

Ah h!

O h, J udy, y our seahorse.

U mm...

S h it.

Hel lo?

Hey, ho ney, what's up?

I'm j ust writi ng.

That's what I'm here to do.

N o, there's nobody else here.

I do n't k now how many times I have to tel I y ou,

it's not about that.

Yes, I sti I I lo ve y ou.

Yeah, the p lace is great, y ou k now.

It's an artist's apartment, for an ar-teest.

Do n't cry.

Is he there?

Do n't cry i n fro nt of h im.

O h, put h im o n.

Hey, sports fan, how y ou do i ng?

Yeah, those Yanks got a beati ng today, hu h?

Yeah, I I istened to the game when I was mo v i ng al I my stuff i n.

What's up?

D iv orce?

Who said anyth i ng about d iv orce?

Nels o n?

Nels o n does n't k now what he's talki ng about.

N o.

Your mother and I lo ve each other,

we're not getti ng d iv orced.

I, Daddy j ust needs a I ittle time to p lay o n h is own rig ht now.

I'm not go i ng to p lay with other kids.

You're the o n ly kid I want to p lay with.

I j ust need a I ittle time to write a story and as s o o n as I'm do ne

I'I I be back, be throwi ng the bal I i n the field.

I'I I be back home and everyth i ng wi I I be the same.

I prom ise.

Okay, I lo ve y ou. Put Mommy back o n.

Al I rig ht, I'm go i ng to go.

'Cause I'm go i ng to write.

I can't do it at home, we tried it.

P lease can, can we j ust g ive th is a chance?

Because I do n't want to work at the p ho ne company for the rest of my I ife.

Thank y ou.

You go i ng to do y our pottery?

N o, I th i nk that's great.

Yeah.

We'I I be artists at the same time.

Okay, I lo ve y ou.

Al I rig ht, talk to y ou... tomorrow.

B ye.

The... man...

The man...

The man...

The man...

The man...

- The Ape. - Ah h!

O h s h it. Hey! Hey! Hey! Relax!

Hey, hey, take it eas y.

I'm not go i ng to hurt y ou.

Ah h h!

N o. Hey, hey, how y ou do i ng?

- I'm The Ape. - Ah h h!

There's a gori I la i n my apartment!

N o, lo ok, lo ok. Lo ok, lo ok.

Your name's Harry, I'm hairy to o.

Help! There's a gori I la attacki ng me!

I'm not attacki ng y ou.

- Help! - S h h!

- Mad gori I la! - Mad gori I la, hu h?

Ah h h! Oo-o o-o o h! Whew! Oo-o o-o o h!

Back! Beast.

O h, I learn that. Ten years. Primary Tae Kwo n Do.

So s orry. So s orry.

What? H u h? Oh, oh, oh.

Who y ou calli ng? Who y ou calli ng?

Hey, hu h?

Who y ou calli ng? H u h?

Who y ou cal I i ng? U h-hu h?

Po I ice.

U h, yes, l- I'd I ike to report a break-i n.

Yeah, i n progress.

U h, address, u h... it's Mad is o n Street.

S h it, l- I do n't k now l- I j u- I j ust mo ved i n here.

L- I do n't k now the exact number.

Four-one-three.

- What? - F our-o ne-three.

O h, i- i- it's- it's four o ne three Mad is o n Street.

Apartment F ive-B.

U h, apartment F ive-B.

- As i n bo y. - Yeah.

It's a gori I la.

Yes. A- a- a real gori I la.

Yeah, he- he's b ig and- and- and hairy...

And, and, yes, he's laug h i ng at me rig ht now.

I do n't k now!

He es caped from the fucki ng zo o or s ometh i ng.

But he's here. Yes!

He's i n my apartment, he's weari ng my clothes.

Wel I, wi I I y ou j ust come check it out?

It's not a prank, p lease.

Please! Just come check it out!

S h it!

Got to be dream i ng.

Wake up, Harry.

Harry, there's an ape i n y our apartment.

Maybe y ou're go i ng crazy.

Maybe th is is what happens to writers when they're alo ne.

You're seei ng th i ngs.

I'm j ust go i ng to go o ver here and I'm go i ng to pro ve...

that there's noth i ng here.

Hey, come on, Harry.

How long y ou goi ng to k eep up th is game?

You're real.

Yeah, I'm real and I'm...k eepi ng it real.

What are y ou do i ng here?

I I ive here.

H u h?

Yeah, th is is my apartment.

I've I ived here for five years.

N o, s ome, s ome o Id lady I ived here before.

Yeah, Mrs. G I itch. Yeah, that was my ro ommate.

Your ro ommate? What?

N o-o ne to Id me s he had a four hu ndred pou nd pet ch imp.

Hey, it's eig ht hu ndred pou nds and I was n't her frigg i n' pet.

We co hab itated. It was co nsensual.

Wel I no o ne to Id me! It's news to me!

Yeah?

Wel I I bet there's a lot of th i ngs y ou do n't k now.

Hey, what's the cap ital of Paraguay?

- What? I do n't k now. - You do n't k now?

Does that mean they do n't have o ne?

N o.

Mrs. G I itch and I, we lo oked out for each other.

I mean it's hard to go it alo ne i n th is city.

We were happ y together.

What, y ou, s he broug ht y ou fucki ng bananas or s ometh i ng?

Yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact s he d id the s hopp i ng.

But I d id the d is hes, the lau ndry.

S he d id the dusti ng, a I ittle I ig ht gro om i ng when needed,

and after a hard day at work, s he'd come home,

I'd s crub off those corns and g ive her a Swed is h massage.

O h, God.

Al I rig ht.

Wel I, lo ok, y our, y our master is dead.

So, um, I th i nk it's time to go back to the j u ng le.

The ju ngle? Sh it, Harry.

I wou Id n't last a day i n the j u ng le, man,

I'm a fucki ng New Yorker.

Okay, fi ne.

Then, then why do n't, why do n't y ou j ust cal I up the zo o.

You can, y ou can make a reservatio n and, and check i n.

The zo o.

The fuck wou Id I do i n the zo o?

I do n't k now, s cratch y our ass, be a gori I la.

You want to put me i n a cage.

A talki ng gori I la, man, y ou'd be a p henomeno n.

Yeah, I'm no carn ival act, Harry.

F i ne, then do n't say anyth i ng.

You can j ust s it there, y ou'I I get three meals a day.

- It's the dog's I ife. - Hey, come on, man.

You k now that's no ki nd of I ife.

You know that's bu llsh it comi ng from y ou; a man of amb ition.

And bes ides, I got the dog's I ife rig ht here.

No.

Th is is my apartment.

U h, see I, I, I have the, the lease rig ht here.

U h, see these, u h, two s ig natures.

That's, that's b i nd i ng.

I, I have th is p lace for s ix mo nths.

Hey, that's fi ne and dandy.

But I come with the apartment.

What are y ou talki ng about?

O h, kid!

You d id n't read the fi ne pri nt, s qu irt.

Tenant s hal I pay for al I uti I ities i nclud i ng...

but not I im ited to gas, electric...

upkeep of the Ape?

Pow! And that's b i nd i ng.

What the fuck?

U pkeep of the Ape?

That's a god-dam ned mouth to feed?

Man, I can't even afford my own rent!

I work for H uman Res ources at the p ho ne company.

Lo ok how fat y ou are, y ou probab ly eat a truckload of bananas.

Man, I can't afford it! I'm s or... ah!

Ow, s h it.

That's twice, Mr. Rude. You better m i nd y our man ners.

I'm a gori I la, that's how we are.

We're fat.

But as far as my species goes... I'm co ns idered s velte.

Sorry.

Okay, I'm s orry, y ou j ust- y ou do n't u nderstand.

I'm a writer.

I, I rented th is p lace to be alo ne and th is ki nd of ru i ns everyth i ng.

So go ahead and write. Who's botheri ng y ou?

Mrs. G I itch taug ht a y oga class here o n the weekends.

I never got i n her way.

I'm not talki ng about gym class.

I'm talki ng about writi ng.

About, fi nd i ng man's p lace i n the u n iverse.

It's about delv i ng i nto the deepest,

i n nermost cavern of my s ou I.

Why wou Id y ou want to do that?

Because I'm an artist.

God, I bet Dosto yevsky never had to deal with th is.

Dosto yevsky had a gamb I i ng prob lem.

He wrote h is no vel to get out of debt.

Th is is worse than gamb I i ng. Th is is absurd.

You k now what?

You want th is apartment, that's fi ne.

- I'm out of here. - Hey, that's fi ne with me.

J ust leave me a check for s ix mo nths rent o n the desk rig ht there.

A lease is a lease.

You kidd i ng? I'm not pay i ng y our rent.

Hey, I'd take that up with the land lady if I was y ou.

I wi I I.

What, y ou're not go i ng to cal I her now?

Yeah.

N o, s he's not go i ng to be home. Th is is Wed nes day n ig ht.

And th is is her b ig n ig ht.

F irst s he goes down to her bel ly danci ng class,

get i n touch with the earth mother.

Then s he goes down and b i nges o n hot dogs at Papay ou.

U h, h i, u h, M iss B lo omqu ist, th is is y our new tenant,

Harry Walker, i n F ive-B.

I was never i nformed about the ape and I th i nk...

it's real ly s h itty to h ide it i n the fi ne pri nt of the co ntract...

where I'm not I ikely to fi nd it u nti I...

the god-dam ned ape po i nts it out to me h imself!

Hey. Hey, Harry, lo ok.

Lo ok, s he's not go i ng to come off that hot dog b i nge...

'til lik e noon tomorrow so, looks lik e y ou're stuck with me.

Hey, lo ok, it ai n't the end of the world.

Hey, come o n. Here. Go ahead.

You s it rig ht here and y ou write y our masterp iece.

And I'm go i ng to be rig ht o ver here.

You wo n't even k now I'm here.

- You k now what, y ou're rig ht. - That's rig ht I'm rig ht.

I do n't care that y ou're here.

I'm not here.

N ot go i ng to stop me from writi ng.

- Because I'm not here. - N obody here.

That's 'cause I'm j ust I ike a tree.

Gori I la wet wi I I ies! Gori I la wet wi I I ies!

I lo ve them wet wi I I ies.

Hey, y ou want me to help y ou out?

- N o. - H u h? O h come o n.

I'm pretty go od with the turn of a p hrase.

- Yeah, rig ht. - O h. I am.

N o, serious ly, Harry.

I real ly adm ire y ou, man.

N ot every guy can leave h is wife.

S he must have been pretty ug ly, hu h?

What?

Wel I I mean, I figure s he was a dog if y ou cou Id go without it.

My wife is not a dog.

Lo ok, Harry, I've had p lenty of dogs.

Ai n't noth i ng wro ng with it.

My wife is very beautifu I. Thank y ou.

O h, s h it. O h... s he's a fatty?

N o.

Yeah, I k now, I mean very pretty face but a body I ike a manatee.

My wife has a gorgeous body.

So what g ives? What?

I, I mean, I mean... y ou j ust got tired of it?

Hel I, I can d ig that, Harry.

The o n ly guy tired of fucki ng C i ndy Crawford...

is the guy who's fucki ng C i ndy Crawford.

There's more than sex to a relatio ns h ip, Ape.

O h!

That's bu I Is h it, Harry! You're a guy.

Guys do n't th i nk about noth i ng but sex.

O h, u n less of course y ou're p lay i ng for the other team!

- H u h? - O h, s h it.

You're a I ittle I ig ht i n the loafers, Harry?

O h, that's preposterous.

That's preposterous! O h my God!

I s hou Id have seen it the who le time!

That's preposterous!

Th is writi ng th i ng is j ust a fro nt!

O h, my God.

You got married.

You tried to do the rig ht th i ng,

but y ou cou Id n't stop th i nki ng about cock.

Ya had to have s ome cock!

And then y ou rented th is p lace.

And th is was supposed to be y our bang-fest bu ngalow.

You del icatessen of d ick.

But I'm here, and I'm ru i n i ng the who le th i ng for y ou!

I do n't care that y ou're here!

If I wanted to, I'd go fuck a guy rig ht now!

So y ou adm it it, y ou want to.

I'm maki ng a po i nt.

Po i nt taken. You're gay.

? C lang, clang, clang, wen t the trolley. ?

If y ou do n't p lay the game he'I I stop.

Oh!

? Tug, tug, tug wen t my heartstri ngs, ?

? From the momen t I saw h im I fell. ?

Ooh!

? Bang, bang, bang wen t Harry, with ev ery ass he cou Id fi nd, ?

Oo h-o o h-o o h! O h, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about y our s o n?

What about y our s o n? You th i nk he's gay, to o?

O h s h it. O h my God.

And he's the perfect age, with no male presence i n the house,

for a ch icken hawk to s wo op down, s co op h im up,

and teach h im the ten commandments of lo ve.

Wh ich is One; anal. Two; anal. Three; cock!

- Lo ok! - C ock!

You, or any ch icken hawk goes near my s o n...

I'I I cut y our fucki ng head off, y ou fucki ng fuckhead!

O h!

What are y ou, a poacher, Harry?

N o! But I can see why they do it!

O h h h h, that's s o mean! O h, Harry.

- You have s o much hate i n y ou! - Yeah, hate for y ou.

O h.

O h, o h, o h.

I can't work I ike th is. I'm go i ng to bed.

I'I I s o lve th is i n the morn i ng.

Yeah, me, to o. I feel s o d irty.

I'm go i ng to go fres hen up.

Oo o h!

Oo o h!

Ooh!

Oh!

Ooh!

Listen, buddy.

I do n't k now where y ou th i nk y ou're go i ng to s leep,

but the bed's m i ne, okay?

P lease, I do n't want any arguments about that,

al I rig ht?

Hey.

You com i ng i n here I ike y ou own the p lace,

talki ng about my apartmen t.

I'm j ust marki ng my territory.

It's i nsti nctual.

H ope y ou do n't m i nd, i ns ide's m i ne.

U g h!

Ag h!

U g h!

I had the worst nigh t of my life last nigh t.

Why? What's the matter?

All righ t, if I tell y ou someth i ng,

y ou promise not to laugh?

I promise.

I mean, I wou Idn 't ev en believ e th is myself ex cept

that it's happeni ng to me.

Okay, y ou're ki nd of starti ng to scare me.

Don 't be scared, just... just k eep an open mi nd.

Okay.

Okay, well, y ou know how I'v e always wan ted to be a writer.

Yes.

Well, I decided to tak e a little time off from Judy...

and Billy and I ren ted th is apartmen t so I cou Id...

You left y our wife?

N o, it's j ust tempor...

- You jerk! - N o, y ou do n't u nderstand...

N o, I u nderstand.

I u nderstand that y ou to ok a v ow.

And then y ou got her pregnan t.

And now she's out there raisi ng that kid by herself?

You know, I shou Id hav e known better than to confide i n y ou.

Harry, I though t y ou guys were happ y.

We are happ y.

Oh, my God.

If Richard ev er just decided to up and leav e me...

and the kids for awh i le, go get an apartment for three mo nths,

I do n't k now what I'd do.

Al I rig ht, let's drop it. Okay?

Fam i ly, Harry. Fam i ly.

- Drop it. - It's the fam i ly.

Drop it.

N ow what? What d id y ou want to ask me?

- N oth i ng. - F i ne.

- Lo ok, can I make a proposal? - What?

Wel I, I was p lan n i ng o n us i ng al I the downtime...

that we usual ly have arou nd here to work o n a pers o nal project...

and th i ngs real ly d id n't go very wel I last n ig ht...

O h, wel I y ou're not the o n ly o ne.

You're not the o n ly o ne, m ister.

I was go i ng to use al I that extra time to fi n is h...

Dy lan's d iorama of ancient E gypt.

Al I rig ht, y ou, y ou j ust hear me out?

What?

Al I rig ht, what's, what's our bus iest time of year?

H o I idays. B y far.

Rig ht.

So, if y ou do everyth i ng rig ht now I prom ise...

I'I I do everyth i ng at C hristmas. Everyth i ng.

I'I I do the party, i nv itatio ns, presents, the tree.

That way y ou can spend more time with y our fam i ly.

Help Dy lan cheat o n h is fi nals.

You k now, we were ki nd of th i nki ng of go i ng...

to F lorida th is year for C hristmas.

Last year, my fo lks, they dro ve al I the way up to New Jersey.

My dad's getti ng o Ider. He s hou Id n't drive that far.

And they refuse to fly.

Wel I, F lorida takes a lot of p lan n i ng and y ou s hou Id see...

y our parents wh i le they're sti I I arou nd.

You k now, it's not cheati ng that I do with Dy lan.

H is s cho o I, they j ust, they o verload h im with the homework.

He j ust needs a I ittle extra help.

I was j ust j oki ng. J ust j oki ng.

So what do y ou say?

C ome o n. C ome o n.

Al I rig ht.

Ah, ha-ha, Beth y ou're the best.

- You're the best. - I k now.

- The best. - I k now.

That's what Richard says.

I do n't k now what it is with y ou two,

y ou j ust get me to do whatever y ou want.

You do n't real ize how much th is helps me.

I'm, I'm try i ng to make a, u h,

N o vember dead I i ne for the New Yorker.

Oo h. Fancy-s chmancy.

Do y ou real ize how many of the world's great works...

were started i n serial form?

I mean we're talki ng Dav id Copperfield, War and Peace.

Tom Wo lfe does al I h is stuff that way nowadays.

- H i, Harry. - O h, hey, Cathy.

H ow y ou do i ng?

What are y ou worki ng o n there?

- J ust work. - Wel I, let me take a lo ok.

O h.

I'd rather y ou lo ok at the fi nal product.

Yeah. Step as ide, Harry.

It's noth i ng, it's j ust...

Hey.

Hey-hey!

Do y ou real ize what y ou j ust d id?

We do n't al low pers o nal projects o n company time,

s o whatever y ou do here belo ngs to me.

You d id n't have to delete it, I d id n't even save it.

Yeah. I s hou Id fire y ou.

- O h, come o n. - N o, y ou come o n.

You s hou Id be do i ng y our j ob but i nstead...

y ou're writi ng y our goddam n memo irs?

Hel I yeah, I s hou Id fire y ou.

Wel I, I k now y ou'd I ike to fire me but y ou can't.

I can't.

You can not fire an emp lo yee without g iv i ng h im...

an official warn i ng and a chance to correct h is behav ior.

I work for human res ources, I k now these th i ngs.

Wel I, co ns ider th is y our warn i ng, y ou I ittle worm.

You k now, y ou make the who le department lo ok bad.

What is wro ng with y our head?

C ome o n, I ike y ou do n't make pers o nal cal Is i n the office.

I k now how y ou g irls are.

O h, he said th is, s o I d id that, b lah-b lah-b lah.

Same th i ng, we're no d ifferent.

We're not talki ng about me. I ru n a tig ht s h ip.

We're talki ng about y ou and y our s h iftless ways.

And s i nce y ou'I I no lo nger be writi ng y our no vel...

o n my d ime, seems y ou'I I have a lot more time o n y our hands before C hristmas,

wh ich is why I've chosen y ou to g ive the S.M.A. D.

Motivatio nal presentatio n to the IT department tomorrow morn i ng.

C ome o n, I'm not go od at presentatio ns.

Beth g ives the presentatio ns.

O h, wel I, Beth is bus y rig ht now s o I'm delegati ng it to y ou.

Lo ok, I'm not a very go od pub I ic speaker.

I'm a man of the pen.

N ot tomorrow morn i ng y ou're not.

Tomorr.? That's I ike no time to prepare.

I mean it's go i ng to be terrib le.

I can't bel ieve y ou're comp lai n i ng to y our boss

after s he gave y ou a warn i ng.

What u n iverse do y ou I ive i n that y ou th i nk that's a smart mo ve?

Al I rig ht. I'I I do it.

Yeah.

If y ou do n't want to lose y our j ob, y ou'I I do it.

Do y ou I ive and breathe th is stup id j ob?

We work for the p ho ne company for C hrist's sake.

Do n't say that! I lo ve th is company.

Do y ou have a I ife?

Harry. I'm leav i ng.

And if y ou do n't do a go od j ob...

at the motivatio nal presentatio n tomorrow, y ou wi I I be fired.

You enj o y th is, do n't y ou?

O h, enj o y what?

Wield i ng y our power, ho Id i ng me down.

Bet y ou'd j ust lo ve to step o n my face with y our h ig h heel.

Go y.

So much for y our b ig no vel, hu h?

B itch and her official warn i ngs.

Yeah, I th i nk s he's bei ng a I ittle hars h, Harry.

O h, yeah. You th i nk?

N o, I'm serious. I mean y ou cou Id be rig ht.

I th i nk s he cou Id be after y ou.

It al I seems pretty fis hy.

I mean especial ly s i nce s he spends al I her time o n the i nternet.

- What, lo oki ng up porn? - N o.

H mm. But close.

S he spends al I of her time checki ng the bu I leti n board...

at Rendez-Jew, try i ng to ho ok up.

- What's Rendez-Jew? - Rendez-Jew.

You k now, rendezv ous with a Jew.

It's I ike Jewis h lo ve co n nectio n.

Jews seeki ng Jews.

I got to tel I y ou, I'm s o g lad I'm married.

Why wou Id a g irl I ike that need the i nternet to fi nd a date?

S he's hot. S he's got a great body.

Because, Harry, it's not about sex.

S he's lo oki ng for s omebody to settle down with.

Somebody to hav e kids with. A life mate.

But the i nternet. That's I ike the supermarket.

I agree. But y ou k now what?

It's the modern way.

And s he's lo oki ng for a very specific type.

I mean y ou k now how p icky s he is.

Yeah, wel I, I k now what s he needs.

S he needs s omeo ne to h it her hard, put her to bed wet.

- Then s he'd get o ver al I that. - Ew.

You're s o d isgusti ng, such a typ ical guy.

Grrr!

Althoug h I can tel I y ou s he was s crewi ng Raou I for mo nths.

- Raou I? - Yeah.

The guy who works i n the mai I ro om?

I know.

And he treated her I ike d irt, to o.

Thoug ht s he wanted a specific type.

I k now, it's crazy.

It's I ike s he's got th is sp I it pers o nal ity, y ou k now?

On one hand she wan ts somebody successfu I and rich.

On the other, s he j ust can't stop herself...

from s crewi ng Lati n guys who can dance.

It's very self-destructive.

Raou I?

Yeah. But that was mo nths ago.

The guy does n't even bathe.

Harry, is there s ometh i ng wro ng with y our head?

You k now, I'm a real ly go od dancer.

All righ t.

But what I asked y ou was, is there s ometh i ng...

wro ng with y our head?

I do n't k now it's j ust, j ust itch i ng.

C ome here.

- What? - Let me see.

Let me see.

- O h, Harry, y ou have I ice. - What?

- When I close my eyes... - Hey!

...and i n dark ness dwel I, a private prism dev oted to y ou...

- Who said y ou cou Id read th is? - Hey! O h!

Hey, it, it's bri I I iant.

New York Times raves bri I I iant.

We have a new poet amo ngst us.

I never i ntended to pub I is h th is.

I wrote it i n co I lege.

O h, I k now, y ou got a C-p lus wh ich is better than average.

The teacher had a prob lem with me.

S he d id n't u nderstand where I was com i ng from.

Hey, hey, do n't s weat it, Harry.

A lot of writers are m isu ndersto od i n the beg i n n i ng,

and later o n, they b loss om.

Do n't patro n ize me. You're a fucki ng gori I la.

What are y ou sti I I do i ng here?

O h, y ou k now, as they say i n the j u ng le... hang i ng.

Why d id n't the land lady s how up?

Oo h, I'd, u h, check my messages if I were y ou.

You hav e one mes...

Mr. Walk er, th is is y our landlady, Miss Bloomqu ist.

I don 't know if there's a h istory of men tal ill ness...

i n y our family or y ou just wen t on a bender.

I'v e check ed and there's no ape i n that apartmen t.

Where were y ou?

I don 't know what y ou though t y ou read i n the lease,

but look at it agai n because there is no goddamn clause...

about upk eep of an ape.

What?

I'v e already con tacted my lawyer,

and if th is is a ruse to get out of the lease,

I'll tak e y ou to the mat.

Where's that goddam n lease?

O h, u h, rig ht here, boss. Rig ht here.

Rig ht here, boss. Comi ng up here, boss.

- U pkeep of the ape! - U pkeep of the ape!

- U pkeep of the ape! - U pkeep of the ape!

Whoa, yeah. I agree with y ou.

I do n't k now what s he's talki ng about,

but it looks lik e if y ou mess arou nd,

s he's go i ng to take y ou to the... mat!

What are y ou, the peanut gal lery?

N o. I'm o n y our s ide, Har.

I j ust do n't th i nk y ou can afford to get sued rig ht now.

I'I I worry about my own fi nances al I rig ht,

y ou fucki ng freeloader.

Where were y ou when s he s howed up?

O h, s he must of j ust m issed me.

I had to step out for a bus i ness meeti ng.

- You had a bus i ness meeti ng. - U h, yeah.

- What ki nd of bus i ness? - Mo nkey bus i ness.

You're h i larious.

You k now y ou gave me I ice, ass ho le?

O h, s h it. That's my specialty.

C ome here.

N ow y ou're talki ng my field, ch ief.

C ome o n, bab y. C ome o n, s it down rig ht here.

Rig ht. O h wait. I got y ou. Aah.

- O h. - H ow embarrass i ng.

Mmmm...

They sent th is memo out at work about a I ice outbreak...

and every o ne k nows it came from me.

O h, where I come from that's co ns idered an ho nor.

Wel I, that's the d ifference between beasts and men.

We no lo nger enj o y eati ng bugs off each other.

Mmm, Harry, do n't be abo ve y our nature.

You're an an imal j ust I ike the rest of us.

I'm an an imal i n bed. That's it.

The rest is al I m i nd.

M i nd is o verrated, Harry. It's al I about i nsti ncts.

Wel I that's why y ou'I I never write a no vel and I wi I I.

N ot at th is rate y ou wo n't.

O h lo ok, I'm taki ng o ne n ig ht off.

I have to prepare th is speech for tomorrow...

or I'I I be fired.

Ag h, real ly com i ng down o n y ou at work, hu h?

Man, my boss.

S he th i nks s he's such hot s h it.

S he's al I i nto th is female empowerment th i ng.

Wait. Your boss is a female?

And s he's try i ng to dom i nate y ou?

- That's o ne way to put it. - Ag h.

That wou Id never happen i n the primate world.

A female wou Id never dom i nate the male.

The male j ust fi nds the female he wants...

and he j ust takes her.

Wel I, i n the human world that's cal led rape.

It's i I legal.

You can do s ome serious time for it.

You humans got a fucki ng ru le for everyth i ng.

All righ t, look, I don 't hav e time for th is.

I got to prepare th is presentatio n.

Hey, wel I, why do n't y ou try it out o n me?

N o. Lo ok, I appreciate the I ice-p icki ng but th is is serious.

Wel I no, wou Id n't it be better to g ive it to s omeo ne...

than j ust do it out i n a vacuum?

Al I rig ht, but no j okes.

O h great. I prom ise.

Hey, I'm, I'm proud of th is.

I've never do ne anyth i ng I ike th is before.

Got it.

Okay.

Go od morn i ng, IT Department.

I'm s o happ y to be here with y ou th is morn i ng.

Let's get motivated!

Al I rig ht.

F irst, let's get to k now each other.

Who's ex cited about the Yankee game th is weekend?

Al I rig ht.

That's s ometh i ng we have i n commo n.

We al I want the Yankees to wi n...

j ust I ike we al I want Bro okly n Bel I to wi n.

N ow, the Yankees are hav i ng a wi n n i ng seas o n and...

they're probab ly go i ng to make it al I the way to the World Series.

Why is n't the IT Department hav i ng a wi n n i ng seas o n?

I want to see y ou guys succeed!

I want to see y ou guys make it to the world series...

of telecommu n icatio n.

U ug h, that was s o gay.

Hey, man, y ou said y ou'd be co o I.

N ow, s i nce we're getti ng to k now each other,

let's get to k now each other's pers o nal ities.

Th is is what we cal I S.M.A. D.

Each letter stands for a d ifferent type.

S for s ocial, M for martyrs, A for amb itious,

D for dependab le.

N ow I k now what y ou're th i nki ng.

I am u n ique.

I do n't fal I u nder any of these categories.

But we've tested it and y ou do.

N ow, I wi I I beg i n. I am an A.

A's are, of course, amb itious, but,

we're als o very creative, i ntel I igent, v is io naries...

usual ly CEO's, MVP's, that type of th i ng.

Yes?

Yeah, u h, how d id an A I ike y ou get stuck i n human res ources?

Is n't that where they put the peop le with zero talent?

- Man, y ou said no j okes. - O h, th is is rid icu lous, Harry.

D id y ou actual ly take that test?

Yes. I to ok the test and I'm an A.

O h.

- May I co nti nue? - O h, certai n ly.

N ow, the A's usual ly fal I at the top of the company p yram id...

s o we are a m i nority.

The rest of y ou wi I I probab ly fal I u nder o ne of these other three.

Next are the S's. Socials.

Some peop le, i n I ife, I ike to I isten.

Others I ike to talk. These are the S's.

They I ike to talk about bus i ness,

but they als o I ike to talk about everyth i ng.

Talkers.

They're not usual ly as creative as the A's,

but if they happen to come up with an i ntu itive idea,

they appreciate a rou nd of app lause and a n ice pat o n the back.

Hey.

That's y ou. That's y ou, Harry.

You're not an A y ou're an S.

Or actual ly y ou're an S with an A i n fro nt and an S beh i nd it.

- But that's y ou. - N o, I am an A.

Harry, A's do n't g ive these speeches.

A's are off o n yachts s omewhere or creati ng masterp ieces.

I'm not an A at Bro okly n Bel I, stup id.

I am an A of I ife.

Step back, Jack. I'm an A.

I'm an ape I iv i ng as a wh ite man.

If that ai n't a v is io nary I do n't k now what the fuck is.

You are an A with two S's beh i nd it.

Oh! Oh, that was creativ e.

O h, u nusual for an S I ike y ou to come up with s ometh i ng I ike that.

Hey, I'I I g ive y ou s ome app lause.

Heeeeey! C ome o n, al I y ou IT dorks!

Heeey!

Great, as far as that speech goes.

O h! I'm motivated - yeah!

O h, I guess y ou th i nk y ou cou Id g ive a better speech?

I do n't have to.

I thoug ht we j ust went o ver that, y ou s i I ly I ittle S.

I am not an S.

S's are always deny i ng their S-ness.

It is imposs ib le for me to be an S.

I left my wife and ch i Id to pursue my dream.

An S wou Id never do that.

He'd j ust stand arou nd and talk about it.

- That is such an S's comment. - I am not an S!

Oh, what do y ou wan t, applause?

Heeey! Left h is wife and kid. Heeey! Wo o o o! Heeeey!

Okay fi ne, Ape, fi ne. You're an A, I'm an S.

Whatever.

And S's lo v e to talk on the phone.

- S hut up. - You s hut up.

N o, ho ney, there's no o ne else here.

I do n't k now how many times I have to tel I y ou,

it's not about that.

- Yes, I sti I I lo ve y ou. - Sou nds I ike it.

I'm s orry, I'm j ust i n a bad mo od.

What's up?

You want to borrow the card? F i ne.

What's goi ng to cost two hu ndred dollars?

A m i n i van?

H o ney, lo ok, there's p lenty of pottery s hows i n the city,

why do y ou have to go al I the way to Wo odstock?

Your stuff got i n.

What, that stuff I saw at the house?

U h-hu h...

N o, lo ok, I, I th i nk that's great I... who's th is 'we'?

Wel I y ou said, we need to rent a m i n i van...

s o we can transport our pottery.

Another ro oster i n the hen house?

You, y ou're go i ng with Lester?

O h, s orry, F I ies With Eag les?

Yeah, I th i nk it's a stup id name. He's wh ite.

Harry.

Put th is o n speaker p ho ne, I want to hear it.

Har!

Yeah, no I, I m ig ht have a prob lem with it.

Yeah, wel I I th i nk y ou wou Id.

Hey! Hey!

Hello? Are y ou there?

Yeah!

Am I on speak er?

U h, yeah, my hands are fu I I.

So what is th is, I ike a date?

Like a pottery date?

He's my teacher.

Yeah, I k now he's y our teacher.

But I als o k now y ou lo ok up to h im I ike a god.

And he'd do that s cene from Ghost with y ou i n I ike two seco nds.

- Harry, don 't be jealous. - I'm not jealous.

Then why don 't y ou support me i n th is?

I do support y ou.

I j ust th i nk F I ies With Eag les is a fucki ng hack.

I've seen h is stuff. It's cl ich�.

He's not go i ng to be o ne of the great potters of our time.

Well, at least he's maki ng a liv i ng doi ng what he lo v es,

wh ich is more than I can say for y ou.

Harry?

Harry are y ou there?

J ust a m i nute.

Harry.

Harry?

Are y ou okay?

You do n't bel ieve i n me.

Harry, that's not what I mean t.

N o, I'm g lad to k now what y ou real ly feel.

Harry that's not what I really feel,

it came out of anger.

You i nsu lted Flies With Eagles.

Fuck F I ies With Eag les! And fuck y our pottery.

You k now, th is co nfirms everyth i ng.

That's why I had to get out.

I ntu itively, I k new y ou were sucki ng my energy.

You're o v erreacti ng agai n.

O h no, I'm not, y ou crazy maker.

You j ust want to waste my time and mo ney.

Wel I fi ne.

Go to Wo odstock, have a h ipp ie-d ipp ie time.

See if I care.

You k now, al I great artists are betrayed b y those they lo ve.

Th is'I I o n ly help my writi ng.

Well if that's true, then it's certai nly...

goi ng to help my pottery.

Wel I talent wi I I out, J udy. Talent wi I I out!

Oo-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o h! O h, Har. Har! Hey-hey!

I k now that s he d id n't g ive y ou the app lause...

y our I ittle S-ass needs, but I wi I I.

Oo-o o o o h! Harry Walker! Oo-o o-wo o! My bo y! Wo o-ho o!

I'm not do i ng anyth i ng Saturday n ig ht.

Yeah, that s ou nds n ice.

I, I wou Id lo ve to, but if y ou do n't m i nd,

I wou Id I ike to clarify a few th i ngs before I comm it to th is.

F irst of al I, y ou're real ly a doctor?

You do n't work i n an urgent care cl i n ic, do y ou?

Free cl i n ic. Even better.

I k now y our profi le says that y ou want ch i Idren,

but I'd I ike to check o n that because s ome times peop le,

y ou k now, they I ie about that.

Yes. I am not talki ng about getti ng preg nant...

o n the first date or anyth i ng,

but, yeah, with i n the first eig ht mo nths or s o.

Do y ou have venereal d iseases?

That's a rel ief.

Okay, u h...

yeah, th is next o ne's a I ittle awkward, but...

i n y our p hoto, it lo oks I ike y ou have a comb-o ver.

Are y ou bald?

You are.

O h, wel I no, that's okay. My dad was bald.

And how often do y ou go to temp le?

J ust a seco nd!

Listen, E I i. I have to go.

But, we're sti I I o n for Saturday n ig ht, rig ht?

What do y ou mean 'we'I I see'?

We'I I see? Wel I, I'I I cal I y ou.

Do n't bother? H ow rude!

C ome i n.

Hey, Harry.

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

I hear that the motivatio nal presentatio n d id n't go very wel I.

I n fact I hear it was a d isaster.

You were preoccup ied, b leary eyed,

cou Id hard ly stri ng a sentence together.

O h, and when y ou were co herent,

y ou kept i ns isti ng that y ou were an A and they were al I S's?

I said probab ly.

Harry, th is is not the way S.M.A. D. Works.

It is a group bu i Id i ng tech n ique.

You actual ly managed to create a b igger rift i n the department.

The emotio nal s cars are palpab le.

I to Id y ou I was n't a go od pub I ic speaker.

It s ou nds I ike y ou d id n't even try.

Wel I y ou gave me I ike no time to prepare.

So th is is my fau lt?

You k new it was go i ng to be terrib le...

and now y ou're com i ng down o n me.

It's I ike y ou're setti ng me up to fai I.

Well, I feel lik e y ou're setti ng me up to fail.

I ru n th is department.

It is my respo ns ib i I ity to see that the S.M.A. D. Campaig n...

goes smo oth ly and it's y our j ob to help me get that do ne.

I'm also i n charge of a lot of other th i ngs arou nd here...

that y ou lik e to b low off as well.

You may not care, Harry, but I do.

And when y ou sh irk y our work, y ou write no v els...

i n the office, g ive me attitude, bri ng I ice i nto the office,

th is reflects o n me, Harry.

And not wel I. And it wi I I stop. You got it?

F i ne.

N o. N ot fi ne. Do y ou got it?!

Got it. Jeez.

My career is at stake here, Harry.

Career. H u h.

What d id y ou say?

I said; career. H u h.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means y ou do n't g ive two s h its about th is j ob.

You're j ust hang i ng arou nd, b id i ng y our time...

'til someone comes along to play house with.

You're j ust waiti ng for s omeo ne to g ive y ou...

the b ig M. R.S.

- M. R. S? - Mrs. Go Id D iggu h.

Harry, I'm a worki ng woman.

I do n't need any man to fix my I ife.

That's rig ht. You do n't need j ust any man.

You need a Jewis h man that y ou m ig ht fi nd o n Rendez-Jew.

O h, do n't be embarrassed, Cathy,

o n ly the who le office k nows.

O h, y ou k now, I real ly do n't k now what y ou're talki ng about.

C ome o n. We saw y our profi le.

"I enj o y lo ng walks o n the beach, cand lel it d i n ners.

I go to temp le o nce a week."

I'm s orry, Harry, u h, that was n't me.

Cathy Schwartz is a very commo n name.

And Raou I i n the mai I ro om was the best fuck I ever had.

I never put that i n my profi le.

Ha-ha ha-hah! You adm it it!

You're o n Rendez-Jew! Rendez-Jew!

You're on Rendez Jew... Rendez Jew.

Jeeww.

Okay, yes, Harry, I'm o n Rendez-Jew.

F i ne, y ou got me.

You know, really, b ig deal.

It's the modern way, there's noth i ng wro ng with it.

That's rig ht. That's rig ht.

There's noth i ng wro ng with it,

u n less it's o n company time.

C ompany time. You hypocrite.

H ypocrite.

F i ne.

F i ne, Harry.

You got me.

God, I'm pathetic.

C ome o n.

You're busti ng my bal Is s o I j ust las hed out.

O h j ust stop talki ng, Harry, y ou're maki ng it worse.

Wel I, I guess I j ust do n't u nderstand why a g irl I ike y ou...

has to go to the i nternet to fi nd a date.

Yeah, y ou wou Id n't u nderstand, Harry.

You're married.

C ome o n, I bet guys are al I o ver y ou.

O h, they're not.

I'm the laug h i ng stock of my fam i ly.

My s ister j ust got married.

S he's three years y ou nger than I am.

I'm I ike th is cow they can't get rid of.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

When was the last time y ou had a date?

U h, I had a date last week.

But that does n't mean that I got laid.

Laid? I thoug ht y ou wanted to get married.

Yes, I want to get married and I want to get laid.

Is that s o hard to u nderstand?

N o, I j ust d id n't k now.

- O h, God, it's been mo nths. - What, s i nce Raou I?

Frankly... yes.

Why h im? He's not Jewis h.

Yeah, but he's a man.

I mean amo ngst al I these executives he's the o n ly o ne...

who can get i n there and take charge of the s ituatio n.

What, al I that Lati n mach ismo?

What, are y ou jealous, Harry?

N o. I'm not jealous.

I'm j ust say i ng Raou I is n't the o n ly man i n the office.

Mm, wait-wait, stop. What?

Al I rig ht, Harry, g ive it to me.

Okay.

Oh yeah, come to mama.

Oh, Harry. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Yeah!

O h, s o... s o many of y ou I ittle mo nkey whores.

O h, God. O h, yeah.

I can smel I that sti nky p i nk ass from here.

O h, y ou're a pretty I ittle th i ng, aren't y ou?

Do y ou have a name?

Ah h h h. Ah! Ah, ah.

? She'll be comi ng 'rou nd the mou n tai n when she comes. ?

? She'll be driv i ng six wh ite horses when she... comes. ?

? She's a comi ng and a... ?

- O h, yeah, Ape. - Yeah.

- Who o! - Yeah!

Yeah-he-haa!

- B o y, y ou're i n a go od mo od. - That's rig ht I am.

Speech went wel I, I take it?

Speech was a d isaster, but I bagged the boss, bab y!

- What? - Fuck ed her!

- Fucked her I ike an an imal. - And that's the o n ly way!

- Yeah! - Yeah, bab y.

Man, my wife, s he th i nks s he's go i ng to go off,

s crew F I ies With Eag les.

Beat her to the pu nch, sucku h!

S he had it com i ng, gal I ivanti ng arou nd...

with that pottery wizard.

- C heati ng s nake. - Whore.

- B y the way, d id s he cal I? - U h, no.

S he wi I I.

And when s he does, I wo n't even say a th i ng.

But I'I I k now I d id it first.

It'I I al I come out i n my co nfidence.

S h it.

I d id n't th i nk y ou had the bal Is to pu I I s ometh i ng I ike that, Harry.

Man, I j ust went i n there. B owled her o ver.

That's it. Got her wrapped arou nd my fi nger.

N o more S.M.A. D. Speeches.

J ust go to work, write my no vel,

get a I ittle puss y o n the s ide.

I can 't believ e it, Harry.

From when I first met y ou, y ou were a comp letely d ifferent man.

- Ya th i nk? - Abs o lutely.

- Lo ok at y ou.

- Feel go od. - You lo ok go od.

I'm not go i ng to take anymore s h it.

N o more s h it.

Cutti ng al I the fat out of my I ife.

Cut al I the... whoa, u h, y ou do n't co ns ider me fat, do y ou?

Hey, y ou're s velte for y our species.

We've already been throug h that!

Hey, hey.

I'I I never get rid a y ou, buddy!

Oof! O h, jeez.

Harry! Harry!

I'm s orry, man.

O h, I got al I th is energy, man.

Me, to o, man. Me, to o.

Hey, hey. Let's go down and get a po ny keg and get ripped!

- N o. - N o? Why?

N o.

- I got to chan nel th is energy. - H o okers.

N o. It's time to write. I got to write.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

- It's time. - Go od.

But th... but th is is... no ne of that o Id y ou.

N o ne of that o Id stuff y ou were writi ng.

That was from the o Id y ou. Okay?

Th is is from the new and I iberated y ou.

- The new me. - New y ou.

- A neeeeew document. - N umero u no.

The... man...

The man.

Man...

Th is is where y ou got stuck last time.

- I k now. - You're o ver th i nki ng it.

Harry, j ust write from y our guts.

The man...

- You want me to do it? - N o, no, no, no.

- The man was a tiger. - Yes.

I n I ife and i n bed.

- Good, good. - Okay.

Tel I me about the tiger.

U m... h is heart was I ike a rotten, withered tomato,

left to o lo ng i n the fridge.

What?

It bears repeati ng, that h is heart was I ike the tomato...

we j ust spoke of.

And, when the d irty hand of I ife got to o d irty,

he s lu nk down to h is lair to I ick h is wou nds.

- That's b lows Harry! - Okay.

That b lows! That's the o Id y ou!

- Okay. - I want to see the new y ou.

N o more of that lo ng sufferi ng artist bu I Is h it!

Okay.

You're a free man! Carv i ng h is own desti ny.

U h-hu h.

So get s ome bal Is and write I ike a man!

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Tomatoes.

Okay.

U m...

U h, every o ne k nows a tiger needs fres h meat?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

C ome o n. Tel I me about that tiger.

Grrrrr. H is claws... u h...

- He had the heart of a lion. - Oo h.

Even thoug h he was a tiger...

That's go od. That's go od.

Okay. Write it down.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

N o o ne cou Id co ntai n h im, he d id what he wi I led.

They tried to impris o n h im i n the corporate cub icle.

But he cou Id not be domesticated!

Yes.

H is heart needs to fly with the eag les.

That's great.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, wait.

- What? - Wait.

That's the guy's name. Is n't that derivative?

So? Al I great artists draw o n their own I ives,

their own experiences.

Go ahead, write it. Write it down.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Take th is down.

He had raven b lack hair and a hel I of a sense of humor.

That's good.

There's a lot more where that came from.

...and that's when he realized he had possessed her fu lly,

both spiritually and physically.

She'd been rav aged by the tiger.

E nd of C hapter One.

O h, my God, Harry.

Th is is go i ng to be an i nstant class ic.

I nstant.

- Mo ve o ver Dosto yevsky. - Mo ve o ver Fy odor!

There's a new team i n town; Harry Walker and The Ape.

Let's send th is bab y off to the New Yorker.

- Ha, ha, ha! - Ha, ha, ha!

Wo o! Wo o!

Wo o! Wo o!

- Wo o! - Wo o!

- Wo o-ho-ho o! - Wo o-ho o!

- Ah-ha! - Ah-ha!

- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo!

- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo!

- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo!

- Ah-ha-ha! - Ah-ha-ha!

- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo!

- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo!

- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo!

Hey, y ou're here early.

Okay.

Hey... g lo omy Gus, what's up?

Hey, Steve. N oth i ng.

What's wro ng?

Someth i ng wro ng with y ou and Richard?

What? N o.

Why wou Id y ou say s ometh i ng I ike that?

Wel I y ou're here early, figured maybe y ou're...

try i ng to get away from s ometh i ng at home.

N o. Everyth i ng's fi ne i n my home.

Okay.

Why are y ou here s o early?

Try i ng to get away from s ometh i ng i n y our home?

Why s hou Id I tel I y ou?

F i ne. Do n't.

Okay, lo ok.

I d id n't exactly s leep at my p lace last n ig ht.

O h, v om it. I want to v om it.

Wait a m i nute, wait a m i nute, y ou do n't even k now the who le story.

What's to k now?

You're an an imal, I ike the rest of y our sex.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, y ou're j ump i ng to s ome...

very serious co nclus io ns here.

Real ly?

After y ou walk i n weari ng a rump led su it,

gri n n i ng I ike an id iot, al I ex cited...

'cause y ou d id n't exactly s leep i n y our p lace last n ig ht?

So s orry if I was led i n the wro ng d irectio n.

Wel I y ou were led i n the wro ng d irectio n.

Jesus, what is y our prob lem?

I'm s orry. I'm j ust bei ng a jerk.

Yeah. N o kidd i ng.

I bet y ou're here early 'cause Richard cou Id n't...

stand y ou th is morn i ng, but who cou Id?

What a spaz.

Wait, Steve. Do n't go. I'm s orry, okay?

It's j ust me, I j ust... have a lot o n my m i nd th is morn i ng.

Very tense.

Wel I relax.

Okay, relax.

Okay, I'm s orry.

Lo ok, I was dru nk, I needed a ride home,

s he forced me to s leep with her.

O h geez Lou ise.

C ome o n, do n't be such a prude.

I'm not a prude.

You k now, y ou d id n't used to be th is way.

- You used to be pretty co o I. - I'm sti I I co o I.

Yeah I k now, but, I'm talki ng about...

Beth smoki ng-a-pack-a-day co o I.

Beth, g iv i ng-me-hand-j obs-at-lu nch.

Once, goddamm it, that happened o nce!

Al I rig ht. Relax, relax.

Al I rig ht, y ou're sti I I co o I.

Steve, it was I ike eig ht years ago.

H ow lo ng y ou go i ng to keep ho Id i ng o nto that o ne?

Okay. It's go ne, al I rig ht.

- It was n't that go od. - S hut up.

My God. E ig ht years?

I can't bel ieve we've been here that lo ng.

- The p lace is a time trap. - Time fl ies.

If I had to Id myself eig ht years ago that I'd be...

i n the same exact spot, do i ng the same exact th i ng eig ht years later,

probab ly ki I I myself rig ht now.

N o, y ou wou Id n't, Steve.

You want to k now why? 'Cause y ou I ike what y ou do.

N o I do n't, I hate it.

N o, I'm not talki ng about fuss i ng arou nd with codes...

or whatever it is y ou peop le do o ver i n the IT Department.

I mean y ou I ike the routi ne of y our I ife.

You I ike bei ng ab le to go go out o n a week n ig ht...

and make an ass of y ourself and s leep with s ome b imbo,

'cause hav oc i n y our house, then come back here to a n ice,

stab le env iro nment that y ou k now wi I I always be waiti ng.

Wel I, maybe y ou're rig ht.

You k now, most peop le real ly j ust want stab i I ity.

And any u ncertai nty they want to keep to a co ntro I led m i n imum.

Like y ou and y our weekly fl i ngs.

What about y ou?

You seem pretty routi ne y ourself.

O h, I am.

But I accept it.

I do n't pretend to balk at the eig ht years...

I put i nto th is company I ike I'm i n pris o n and I have s omewhere...

s o much better to be.

I'm co ntent to do my j ob.

J ust I ike a I ittle worker bee.

A worker amo ng workers.

I have my husband and my ch i Idren...

and barri ng any u nforeseen tragedy, I expect that our I ives...

wi I I co nti nue o n the same n ice, straig ht forward,

even trajectory, u nti I we d ie.

God, that s ou nds s o bori ng I want to s I it my wrists.

Wel I y our boredom is my focused energy.

And y our s o-cal led ex citement?

Smoke and m irrors.

I mean we all just wan t to fi nd happi ness.

You grasp for it i n m irages and never real ly fi nd it.

N ot real ly.

Our I ittle romp i n the car eig ht years ago pro ved that.

I was lost back then.

I was... co nfused and u nsure.

I reached out, I iteral ly.

It was briefly ex citi ng, but it didn 't amou n t...

to anyth i ng that wou Id last.

I fou nd happ i ness i n stab i I ity, or, boredom,

if y ou must.

But I'm happ y.

Wel I, y ou d id n't lo ok s o happ y when I came i n.

Wel I, that has noth i ng to do with me or my I ife.

What's it got to do with?

Harry Walker.

The lazy guy y ou work with?

He's not lazy. He's j ust m is d irected.

Al I I k now is he gave our department...

a motivatio nal speech the other day and it was a j oke.

You k now, he's been hav i ng a real ly roug h time lately.

Wel I, forgetti ng the fact...

he cou Id n't motivate a fly to land o n s h it,

I'd say he's got a few pers o nal prob lems.

He's not a very go od pub I ic speaker.

Wel I maybe he s hou Id n't have that j ob.

- He's try i ng, okay? - Whatever.

So why is he maki ng y ou sad?

Because he's acti ng real ly crazy.

I'm getti ng worried about h im.

Why? What's he do i ng?

He's hav i ng an affair.

So, what do y ou care?

So I do n't th i nk he s hou Id be.

Why is it any of y our bus i ness?

I, I... I, I j ust do n't th i nk he s hou Id be do i ng that.

J ust I ike I do n't th i nk that y ou s hou Id be do i ng it.

Okay, s o y ou d isappro ve. So what?

- So I th i nk I need to stop it. - O h, y ou do, do y ou?

- Yeah. - S h it.

You have a crus h o n h im, do n't y ou?

What? N o I do n't!

Ah h h... y ou have a I ittle office crus h, do n't y ou? .

S hut up, Steve.

You're jealous 'cause he d id n't p ick y ou to cheat with.

Are y ou kidd i ng me?

I wou Id never cheat o n Richard, y ou moro n.

Maybe not, but that does n't mean y ou do n't fantas ize.

And now it means y ou can't fl irt across the cub icle anymore...

and y ou want revenge, do n't y ou?

N o I do n't. N o I do n't. I want j ustice.

J ustice. O h, gos h.

You're j ust I ike the rest of us, a v ictim of y our own feel i ngs.

On ly y ou're s o self-rig hteous y ou must be E gyptian because...

y ou're neck deep i n de-N i le.

O h yeah, penci I d ick?

Wel I y ou k now what I'm go i ng to do?

I'm go i ng to... I'm...

- Go od morn i ng, I ittle o ne. - Do n't talk to me.

Wel I, s omeo ne woke up o n the wro ng s ide of the bed.

Wel I, at least I woke up i n my husband's bed.

Someth i ng o n y our m i nd, Beth?

Yeah. You're d isgusti ng.

- That's what's o n my m i nd. - What's y our damage?

I saw y ou yesterday, s crewi ng Cathy.

- N o y ou d id n't. - Yes I d id.

I heard very strange s ou nds em itti ng from her office...

wh i le I was out here do i ng y our work.

So I went and I had myself a peek.

And I do n't k now what y ou were do i ng.

It was d isgusti ng.

You I ittle peep i ng tom. Stay out of my bus i ness.

Harry... y ou're married.

Does n't that mean anyth i ng to y ou?

H ow cou Id y ou do that to y our wife?

I lo ve my wife.

But I'm a man and I need to spread my seed.

Do n't y ou even feel bad?

You s hou Id be racked with gu i It rig ht now.

You cheated.

Th is is between me and my wife,

and what s he does n't k now wo n't hurt her.

Ag h. You make me s ick.

You k now, do n't even talk to me.

And if I catch y ou writi ng that no vel agai n,

I'm tel I i ng Cathy.

Go ahead. Tel I her. Tel I her.

You k now, as a matter of fact,

I th i nk I'I I j ust go tel I her myself rig ht now.

S he's probab ly wo nderi ng where her go od morn i ng kiss is.

S he's not i n yet.

O h.

Wel I then the wo If wi I I j ust have to go track her down.

P ig.

Hey, Raou I. What are y ou do i ng, j ust del iveri ng the mai I?

Yeah.

Go od morn i ng... lo ver.

Harry. J ust the pers o n I wanted to see.

O h, wel I, it's a I ittle early for our repeat performance...

but I'I I see what I can do.

Yeah. We need to talk about yesterday.

It was amazi ng.

O h, yes, it was, and u nexpected.

Spo ntaneous pass io n.

God, it's crazy, I thoug ht I always hated y ou.

N ow I real ize it was sexual tens io n.

I wanted y ou. You wanted me.

- Okay lo ok, Harry, um... - Lo ok... I have an idea.

Let's get away for the weekend.

We'I I go to s ome p lace I ike Wo odstock.

We'I I see what we're I ike away from al I th is mad ness.

Exp lore our m i nds and bod ies.

Harry, yesterday was a m istake.

Best m istake of my I ife. You i nsp ired me.

I went home. I wrote al I n ig ht.

- Go od stuff. New stuff. - Okay.

Hey, Harry, can I get a word i n edgewise?

Yeah.

- F irst th i ng; back off. - Okay.

What happened i n my office is a o ne time th i ng.

It's never go i ng to happen agai n. U nderstand?

O h. If y ou're worried about getti ng caug ht i n the office,

I u nderstand. We can go to my apartment.

My ro ommate wi I I be total ly co o I.

Harry, y ou're not even Jewis h.

So what?

So... I have no i nterest i n pursu i ng a relatio ns h ip with y ou.

- Raou I is n't Jewis h. - Raou I was a fuck.

Like y ou.

H ow can y ou be s o superficial?

Why, why are y ou go i ng to let s ometh i ng I ike that...

stand i n the way of what we have?

Lo ok, it's not superficial, it's j ust smart.

I k now what I want and I'm go i ng to get it.

Harry, y ou're not a good i nv estmen t.

I mean even if y ou were Jewis h I wou Id n't bank o n y ou.

You're to o co nfused.

I'm co nfused. I'm co nfused?

You're the o ne who's try i ng to marry s omeo ne to p lease Daddy.

Who cares if I'm Jewis h, y ou b igot?

What, are y ou I iv i ng i n the Sto ne Age?

N o, Harry. I'm I iv i ng i n real ity.

I'm not sure what p lanet y ou I ive o n.

Putz.

You th i nk y ou can decide who y ou're go i ng to end up with?

You k now what?

I bet y ou five bucks y ou end up alo ne.

And it's o n ly five bucks,

because that's al I y our I ife is worth.

Harry, do n't make me fire y ou.

F ire me? F ire me?

I qu it! I qu it.

I do n't need y our negative energy i n my I ife.

You k now what?

From now o n I'm dev oti ng myself fu I I time to my no vel.

And when it's pub I is hed y ou can say y ou k new me when, s ister!

Knew me when.

You were with Raou I for mo nths.

- You said he was j ust a fuck. - Yeah, but he was a go od fuck.

Hey Harry, check it out!

I I iked that su it y ou got s o much...

I went out and got me o ne.

H u h?

N ow when we go i nto those Man hattan offices...

after our bo ok's pub I is hed, we can go i n sty le.

Like a team.

What g ives?

Hey! Harry.

You're go i ng to wri nkle that new su it.

I do n't care.

Hey, what happened?

- S he dumped me. - What?

S he said I was n't a go od fuck.

That cu n t.

S he does n't k now what s he's talki ng about.

- You're a great fuck. - N o I'm not.

Oh, come on. Hey.

Hey what happened to that Harry I met yesterday?

? She'll be comi ng arou nd the mou n tai n when she comes... ?

He's go ne. I want to go home.

You wan t to bail on the apartmen t?

Harry, th is is y our home.

Th is is the artist's apartment.

I don 't care about that anymore.

I j ust want s omeo ne to ho Id me and tel I me I'm special.

Aw. O h, bab y, I can do that. C ome here. C ome o n.

O h. O h yeah. O h.

There, there.

H ow's that feel?

It's not the same as my wife.

We j ust need a I ittle time... to learn each other's bod ies.

I m iss my kid.

Hey, what are y ou do i ng?

- I'm cal I i ng my wife. - O h Harry, do n't.

Harry, p lease, do n't g ive up s o eas y.

H i, ho ney?

U m, what-

I j ust wanted to see how the pottery s how went...

and tel I y ou that I m iss y ou.

C heater?

What are y ou talki ng about?

Beth cal led?

What? Beth does n't k now what s he's talki ng about.

With Cathy?

C ome o n, I hate Cathy.

You've heard me comp lai n about her a m i I I io n times.

O h, yeah, I ike I'd real ly do it i n the office. C ome o n.

H o ney.

I, I, I k now th i ngs haven't been very go od lately and...

th is who le idea of m i ne was real ly stup id.

D iv orce.

H, H, do n't.

Stop it. Do n't do th is.

Let's not get crazy here.

Wel I y ou k now...

It's not I ike I'm the o n ly o ne who's s crewi ng arou nd.

You're off with F I ies With Eag les do i ng God k nows what.

He's gay.

So is Cathy. S he's a lesb ian.

Wi I I y ou ho Id me?

Of course.

C ome to papa.

O h...

O h, Harry.

It's go i ng to be al I rig ht. You'I I see.

I'm go i ng to take go od care of y ou.

We'I I be very happ y together.

They were gaspi ng for breath from their v icious, b loody battle.

Their swords... crashed lik e thu nder.

He k new th is was the end.

He was backed up agai nst the rampart.

Th is was the fi nal time.

And with o ne last b low he ki I led MacDuff!

And he was rei nstated as Ki ng of the land!

The perfect end i ng to a perfect no vel!

Do n't I k now it!

- Who o!! - Who o!!

- Oo-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o. - Oo-o o-o o-o o-o o-o o.

- Oo-o o-o o. - Oo-o o-o o.

H o o o o!

Who o o!

- You the man, Harry. - You the ape, Ape.

- Ah, ha-hah! - Ha-hah!

Okay, s o what, what now?

Wel I, it's perfect tim i ng, Ape. Perfect tim i ng.

As s o o n as we get that letter from the New Yorker,

accepti ng the first chapter as a s hort story,

wh ich s hou Id be today because I cal led and they said...

they sent the respo nse a coup le days ago.

And the mai I s hou Id be here b y now.

It's probab ly downstairs.

Probab ly is, buddy. Probab ly is.

Al I we do... go down get that letter.

We take it.

We can walk i nto any pub I is h i ng house i n the city,

I guarantee, they wi I I ki I I to pub I is h our no vel.

I mean, a s hort story i n the New Yorker...

is a surefire entr�e i nto the I iterary world, Ape.

But what if they do n't I ike it?

Harry... y our sav i ngs are almost go ne.

Apey, hu h?

What are y ou worried about?

C ome o n, y ou're the o ne who i nsp ired me.

Bes ides, y ou've read it.

It is gen ius.

- Gen ius! - Gen ius.

They s hou Id put it i n the Western Can no n rig ht now!

Here's the Western Can no n.

Here's our beast, the newest i nstal lment.

Yeah, y ou're rig ht. You're rig ht.

I, I do n't k now what it is.

Maybe it's j ust that I, I can't bel ieve we're fi nal ly artists.

Wel I y ou better bel ieve it, pal, 'cause we ar-teests!

- We are ar-teests! - We're a hel I of a team, Ape.

Harry Walker and The Ape!

- Harry Walker and The Ape! - Harry Walker and The Ape!

- Harry Walker and The Ape! - Harry Walker and The Ape!

- Oo-o o-o o... - Oo-o o-o o...

Hey, I guess now is go od a time as any.

I got y ou a I ittle s ometh i ng.

- What? - Yeah.

Wel I, y ou can cal I it an early C hristmas present,

or a co ngratu latory present, but, here.

- Apey. - Take it.

You s hou Id n't have.

It's noth i ng, Harry, j ust open it.

- Curl and S h i ne? - Yeah.

I thoug ht y ou cou Id use it with that new weave y ou got com i ng i n.

Yeah, it is growi ng i n a I ittle th icker.

O h, no, no.

It lo oks real go od, but, but a coup le of das hes of that?

That's what I use to get the lass ies.

Yeah-haa.

You, y ou... aw, that lo oks great.

Hey.

I d ipped i nto the sav i ngs and I got y ou a I ittle s ometh i ng to o.

Harry.

- Wait, I'I I go get it. - O h.

Harry.

I know how hard up I'v e been for the womanly touch,

so I cou Id only imagi ne how y ou must feel.

Surprise!

- Wait. Wait. - O h my God.

Wait.

- O h my God, Harry! - Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I thoug ht it wou Id rem i nd y ou of the g irls back home.

It, it's perfect!

- Maybe we cou Id s hare her? - Yeah! Of course.

Of course.

- O h. O h, Apey. - O h.

Apey, y ou're the best.

O h. O h no, Harry, y ou're the best.

O h, Apey.

- Hey, hey. - What?

Let's go see if the letter's arrived!

N o-no-no-no, y ou go. You go.

- Okay. - W-w-w-wait.

W, wait.

Lf, if it's there, don 't open it.

- Bri ng it back up here. - I wo n't, I prom ise!

It's here! It's here! It's here! It's here!

It's here! It's here! It's here!

It's here!

It's here!

O h, okay. Open it.

- You open it. - O h no, I'm to o nerv ous.

- You open it. - Together.

- Okay. - U h, cou nt of three?

- Yeah. - Okay.

One, two, three.

- O h, open it. - Okay.

We regret to i nform y ou that y our s hort story,

A Rav ish i ng Tiger, has not been selected for pub I is h i ng.

God damm it!

It, it said 'if', Harry. Lf. Read it.

If y ou have any other material,

do n't bother send i ng it, y ou m is ogy n ist p ig.

I can't bel ieve they d id n't I ike it.

H ow cou Id they not I ike it?

I can't bel ieve th is is happen i ng to me.

Are y ou sure y ou sent the rig ht story?

It said; The Rav ish i ng Tiger, it's the first chapter.

Okay.

Okay, then s ometh i ng has got to be am iss because...

I can't bel ieve they wou Id n't take it.

I put my guts i nto that th i ng.

I mean what, do I j ust have no talent?

I feel I ike th is is a pers o nal attack.

I can't do anyth i ng rig ht.

Al I rig ht. There was probab ly two stories.

Maybe there's two Rav is h i ng Tigers and they got them m ixed up.

We s hou Id cal I down there, it was probab ly a clerical error.

O h wi I I y ou wake up?

They hated it.

They hated us.

Hey, do n't take it out o n me.

Why not?

It's y our fau lt.

Why d id I I isten to y ou?

If I'd j ust stuck to the p lan,

I'd be i n I i ne for the Pu I itzer rig ht now.

Don 't go there, Harry.

I k now y ou've had a bad day s o I'm j ust go i ng to let that s I ide.

O h... y ou'I I fi nd it's true, y ou lug a s h it.

You write I ike a th ird grader.

I carried y ou. N ow y ou've ru i ned my work.

Ha-ha. Who y ou tryi ng to kid?

I've read y our stuff, al I of it, remember?

It was wh i ney, self-i ndu Igent, self-i nv o lved.

It was po orly structured. It was i I l-co nceived.

N ot to mentio n total ly transparent.

The comp lete s cribb I i ngs of an i nsecure man,

whose ego had ru n amok.

Wow, I'm g lad to k now how y ou real ly feel, y ou b ig p ho ny.

And al I that stuff y ou j ust named,

that's cal led sens itiv ity.

And if any o ne has the b ig ego here it's y ou!

It's s o b ig I can't even breathe i n here!

I k now I got an ego, Harry. Al I artists do.

But at least I got the talen t to back it up.

You're lucky I even let y ou hang out with me.

I'm lucky?

Ever s i nce I met y ou my I ife has go ne to s h it.

I lost my wife and ch i Id, I lost my j ob, al I my mo ney,

my dreams, everyth i ng.

- N ot everyth i ng. - O h, o h, o h no?

You sti I I got me, bab y. You still got me.

I do n't want y ou. Get it?

I do n't want y ou!

That's not how it works, Harry.

You're stuck with me.

Real ly? Real ly? Wel I j ust watch, pal.

I'm out of here. Out of here.

You k now what th is rem i nds me of, Harry?

What, Ape?

The tantrum y ou threw the n ig ht y our father left.

I never to Id y ou about my father.

You d id n't have to. I was there.

I d id n't k now y ou before th is.

It was a Thurs day n ig ht.

Your father came home from work and he to ok y ou out for ice cream.

You had m i nt choco late ch ip with rai nbow spri nkles,

he had an ice coffee.

He to Id y ou that he was leav i ng y our mom,

and even thoug h he was n't go i ng to I ive i n the house anymore,

he was sti I I y our father.

Th i ngs wou Idn 't change between y ou and h im.

He'd take y ou to the bal I park, take y ou to the games.

He dropped y ou off and he said;

"hey, champ, I'I I cal I y ou Saturday at eig ht to check i n".

It was elev en th irty.

You realized he wasn 't calli ng.

You threw a tan trum just lik e th is.

You remember that, Harry?

I thoug ht y ou I ived with Mrs. G I itch before th is.

You made that up, Harry.

You wanted reas o ns for me not to leave.

Mrs. G I itch. U pkeep of the ape. The lease.

That was al I y ou, Harry.

Who are y ou?

I'm The Ape.

N o.

You're a mo nster.

Do n't start up agai n, Harry. We s hou Id be friends.

We j ust h it a I ittle bump i n the road.

And I got a great idea for a seco nd no vel.

A seco nd no vel?

- Hey. - A seco nd no vel?

Do n't Harry.

Do n't Harry!

Do n't do it, Harry.

I'I I ki I I y ou!

- Ah h! Ah h! - Ah h! Ah h!

- Oo h! Oo h! - Ah h! Ah h!

Grrr! Grrr!