Original subtitles

[phone ringing softly]

[Zak] George.

Georgie.

George.

Georgie.

[sigh]

Shit.

[groan]

Georgina, phone.

Georgina.

What? What's the matter?

The phone is ringing, sweetheart.

I think it's for you.

[groan]

[sigh]

Right. I'll get it.

What's the point of having an answerphone

if you don't even switch it on.

Oh, shit!

Hello.

Daniel, hi. All right, what's happened? Okay, calm...

Oh, that's great news. Mm.

How, how is she?

Oh. Ah-ha.

Er, no, God, no, I'm really glad you woke me up to tell me that. Mmm.

Right, well, er... I guess we'll, um,

we'll see you both, er, see the three of you soon.

Yeah, er, er,

Okay. Well, well done you two. Bye.

Rebecca's had her baby.

Yes. The, the baby has finally arrived.

So, is it a boy or a girl?

Er, hair, weight?

Um, they didn't say.

Name? Does it have a name?

Er,

Anything. Eye color?

Eyes. Eyes. It's got eyes.

[sigh] God, I hope it's got eyes.

[groans]

Your sister had a baby. A brand new little baby!

Yay!

Get dressed.

Are you mad? It's dark out there.

We need a present.

It's the middle of the night.

We need a present.

[sigh] Ok, I will go to the 24 hour garage.

Good plan. Get it 20 Bensons and a a Twix.

Your sister had a baby. A teeny, tiny baby.

I know, my darling. It's lovely.

I'll go to town with mum in the morning for the present.

Good plan.

Aren't you excited, just a little?

Well, um, now you come to mention it,

[Georgina groans]

Ooh, Miss Salt!

Can you imagine what it's like to hold your very own little baby?

Not really.

Do we have to?

Yeah.

I wish you weren't going.

It's only for a couple of nights.

What time is Robert coming?

He's not. Alexandra is.

Alexandra? That's a pretty name.

She's a failed fashion student or a model or something.

A model?

You know. One of those annoying daddy's rich girls

who always gets bailed out. And as Daddy is our major financier...

She's going to Newcastle with you?

No, no. Ireland, next week.

What?

[car honks] Oh God, they're here.

Couldn't you work with someone unattractive?

[chuckles] Don't worry, darling, she's not my type.

She looks a bit like a Russian tennis player. A male one.

(Georgina) Love you.

Yeah, me too!

(male voice) Hey Brian, she's here.

Your girlfriend's here, Brian.

(Georgina) Morning, Jim.

(Jim) Morning, boss.

Morning, Brian.

(Brian) [sighs]

Morning, boss.

How's it going?

Everything's fine from where I'm standing.

Tell the rest of the Village People I don't want to be disturbed.

I have a lot of work and I need to get my head down.

Well, you don't have to. But if you insist.

(workman) Hey, Brian-o, watch your hernia.

Can someone give Brian a hand? Looks like he's struggling.

No, I'm fine.

(workman) Too heavy for you?

You big girl's blouse. [laughter]

Mum!

(mum) Hello!

Hello!

You look so good. How are you?

I'm fine.

Oh, my goodness. This looks a bit grand.

It's exciting.

I should think it's very pricey.

Now, darling, don't get carried away.

Holy...

Shit!

[chatter]

Hello.

Oh, look, little dragonflies.

I know. [mumbles]

(female voice) Your biological clock is ticking,

and you can't turn it back.

But for some women, this issue may be of even greater concern

and for those women, Doctor Dupompe

is the leading physician in the field of infertility.

[doctor, French accent] The early menopause can affect as many

as one in every four women, even as young as 34.

Just like poor old Harriet.

Auntie Harry? Hairy Harry? I thought she was just a lesbian.

Come here, darling!

That Harriet. She always had problems down below.

(woman) Dr Dupompe could be your hope in a barren world.

(Dupompe) Symptoms include weight gain

headaches, changes in body odor,

and an increase in facial hair.

(mother) If it wasn't for Doctor Dupompe,

I would have remained childless.

(Dupompe) To put your mind at rest, why not visit us

at Dupompe Fertility Care. We care.

I'll take it.

It's 150 pounds!

Wrap it up.

Come on, we're going to be late.

Calm down. It's just over there.

(Clem) Oh, darling, please, slow down.

So, Arabella has found me the most fabulous new guru

who is going to change my life, and I have an appointment with her

today at three o'clock. So, think I'll make it? Or should I call her?

[groan]

Alright, I'll just call her.

Darling, you know I'm there for you,

but couldn't you have waited for Zak?

I'm 33 years old, and early menopause runs in my family.

My mum is a good Catholic, I'm an only child,

and Auntie Harry has a mustache. Do the maths!

Look, I've had five periods last year. Five out of a possible 12.

Alright.

Not another word.

[phone rings]

(female voice) Hello, Dupompe Fertility Clinic.

Hope you're not as sterile as this room.

How kind. Remind me again why you're here.

What does Zak think about all of this anyway?

Oh. Mmm.

Oh, brilliant.

Look, he's working really hard, I don't want to worry him.

And you know he gets funny about women's bits and babies.

Darling, you're going to scare the living daylights out of him.

I want a baby more than anything.

I know it's a hideous concept to you but could you, for once just

be nice and supportive and agree with everything I say?

(receptionist) Hello? Yes, of course.

Miss Salt, please.

(Georgie) And this is my best friend Clem.

Hello to Miss Clem.

Who looks like a very healthy young lady.

Oh.

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

It's always a pleasure to see young women

who take their fertility health seriously.

Miss Clem, do you have 'des enfants'?

What, me? No. Not even 'des' goldfish.

I don't want to ruin my physique.

Such a pity, no? So,

down to business, yes?

Yes.

Now, laparoscopy is a very light surgery.

There is no scars whatsoever.

It's just a little peek at the ovaries.

Well, it should be free, then.

Thank you, Clem. When will we know that everything is okay?

Soon enough. Well, I'm sure a healthy young lady like you

has nothing to worry about. Okay? Shall we get started?

Your best, best friend can come back for you in about three hours.

Right. Good luck.

And no funny business. I'm a lawyer.

Mmm-hmm.

(doctor) Nurse, prepare five milligrams to start with.

(female nurse) Yes, doctor.

Thank you.

Calm down, Miss Salt.

We'll just put you into a twilight sleep.

Hmm.

[airplane]

Hi!

Hello!

I'm glad you're back.

Ooh!

We're going to a party at your sister's house for the baby.

What? Now? You are joking?

[giggles]

Okay, okay.

Don't wind Daniel up about his 'Chelsea tractor. '

Don't get pissed and do the crap joke.

The elephant is very funny.

In front of your mother?

And at least pretend you're interested in the baby.

Okay!

[squeal]

Hello.

Hello, darling.

Congratulations.

(Zak) Ah, yeah.

Eyes. It's got eyes. Two of them. Told you.

They generally come with eyes.

Cor, It's got a kind of squidged up face

as well. It's all sort of squidgy. Just there.

How nice of you to point out the squidginess.

But 'it' is a she. Your niece, Arabella.

Oh, it's not... it's not doing a shit, is it?

[scoffs] No, she's yawning.

Oh.

She's so beautiful, look at her.

Yeah, God, love her.

Is there any, um...?

Can l...?

Have her? By all means.

I lost all feeling in my left arm 20 minutes ago.

Hello.

It's not good for my nether regions

to be sitting in the one place for too long.

Jesus Christ, what is that?!

That's me. It's what's called a belly cast.

God, that's amazing.

It took forever.

It's funny.

I wasn't keen at first

but I'm really glad that Daniel

persuaded me to get it done.

There you go. Don't touch it.

It's a perfect reminder of a precious time.

And a constant reminder of why I have stretch marks.

It's a small price to pay.

[crash] [gasp]

(boy) Uh-oh.

(Rebecca) My poor belly.

(Zak) I didn't, that wasn't...

That was... right, that was...

What you doing?

Sorry.

[sigh]

Well, don't walk off like that, I mean,

someone is gonna have to clear it up.

Oh.

Kids!

Well, that didn't go too badly.

That was you, wasn't it?

What? That little boy was running around...

You smashed your sister's sculpture.

Yeah.

It's bad enough you broke it, but you blame a three year-old.

I'm sorry.

You couldn't care less.

Well, you know...

Exactly. How could I ever think you'd be responsible enough to be a father?

Overreaction!

What's the point?

Rebecca is looking well, isn't she... darling?

Yes.

Bizarrely, this baby lark seems to suit her.

Why would the concept of a baby suiting someone be so bizarre to you?

I'm just saying my sister is doing well.

Strange that she's three years younger but much more mature.

That's your opinion.

You've won every prize possible for your documentaries.

What more do you need to prove you're ready?

You can't keep avoiding the issue. Just tell me why do you hate...

I do not hate babies! Okay?

How'd you know I was gonna say "babies"?

Stop the car.

No, I'm not gonna stop the car.

It's all about you, isn't it?

What about what makes me happy?

All right then.

Good!

(driver) Idiot!

Hmpf!

Georgina, get back in the car, you're being ridiculous.

All right, we'll talk.

I don't wanna talk to a babyaphobe.

If you won't give me what I need,

then I'll find someone else who will.

You mark my words.

Where you going?

[city sounds]

Fuck sake.

Fuck off!

You can stay here as long as it takes.

Yeah, thanks, mate.

Just give her a couple of days, she'll calm down.

You know what they're like.

Women.

Yes, women.

Who would have them?

Me.

Yeah.

And you.

If she'd let you back in your flat... Which she won't.

Well... just leave her to sweat it out.

I'll be back from Ireland in a couple of weeks. She'll be all over me.

You should never have put the words "hate" and "baby" in the same sentence.

Big mistake?

She's not getting any younger, is she?

No. She's not a spring chicken.

And in my experience, when they hit a certain age,

they get funny about babies and shite.

Bloody biological clock.

You know what, Benny boy? You're right.

I fancy just chilling here, sinking a couple of beers...

watch some shit on the telly.

Just you and me. Couple of big men having some big man fun.

[slap] Zak. Too gay.

Yeah, it was a bit, wasn't it? Sorry.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

(female voice) Miss Salt?

Dr Dupompe would like to see you.

Yes, I'll be there.

Bollocks!

(doctor) A woman is born with a definitive number of ova

and then the shop

[thud] shuts.

But I have some left?

Madame, I can see only one ovum on the right.

Now, you have two weeks before you ovulate

and then...

It's bye-bye baby, hello mustache.

Clem! So when exactly do I ovulate?

The 22nd,

23rd, 24th and 25th.

Oh, the 25th is my birthday.

Then a baby shall be your gift.

Now, for these four days,

you will need to spend every second with your husband.

I don't have a husband.

Your boyfriend?

No, there's no-one.

Can't you just take it out

and put it in a lovely little container

and cryogenically freeze it for later?

Madame, it's not a sorbet.

May I suggest...?

Sperm? I don't want sperm, I want a baby.

Hello!

How are you?

[sigh]

Are you okay?

It's terrible.

Really, really bad. What's happened.

Well, what?

I spoke to my guru last night,

says that I can't eat chocolate anymore.

That it's blocking all my chakras.

It's just so hard for me to imagine.

So... that's it.

For the rest of my life. No chocolate ever.

Yeah.

Do you have the same chocolate chakra thing?

I have this weird recurring nightmare, where I wake up,

and I'm old and hairy and alone.

And I'm actually living my nightmare.

I ordered starters because I thought you might be peckish.

Listen, you're not hairy or old, you're beautiful.

Thank you.

I need more than one egg!

You can have mine, if you like.

Darling, she's only got one egg left, down there.

One ovum left.

What, you mean...

Yes.

Oh God. Just the one? Oh...

That's bad, isn't it? Is that bad?

Listen, listen,

remember when we were 14 and the dentist said you needed braces?

We said that we were going to go get 10 second opinions

and we did go get ten second opinions and

all the dentists said that you needed braces.

We don't have time for second opinions.

I've got two weeks, I've only got the one egg left. Just one!

Right. Yeah. Um...

(Georgina) I prefer the red to the London stock,

but the red is 1 p more.

(1st workman) It's your choice, boss.

This is the local one.

[inaudible]

Hmm. That one.

No, that one.

No, er, that one. Hang on a sec.

Right.

[cell vibrating]

Alexandra, can you get that please?

[busy signal]

[breathes in deeply] Wait right there.

(Alex) It wasn't important.

Let me know if Georgina calls.

I thought you guys broke up.

Georgina, I just need...

We'll do it later. John, out, I'm in a hurry.

Good morning.

I wondered...

Hi! Alexandra.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Is Zak Solomon in?

And you are...

Georgina. His... friend.

Funny. He's not mentioned you.

Really? Oh, is he here?

Zakkie? You just missed him.

He left for Ireland this morning.

He wasn't supposed to leave till tomorrow!

Last minute change. He said he just couldn't wait to get away.

You know how impulsive Zakkie is.

There must be some way of contacting him. It's really urgent.

His cell phone doesn't work on the island. Sorry.

There must be some way to contact him?

I'll be joining him tomorrow, so leave it with me.

I'll tell him to call... who are you again?

Georgina! Can you write it down?

He's booked us this quaint little B & B in the middle of nowhere.

Maybe that'll have a land line.

No running water or heating, mind you.

Just each other... for warmth.

Are you and Zak...?

Hello Daddy?

It was really nice to meet you, Geraldine.

Daddy, I need more allowance for my trip.

Yes, to Ireland. Oh, really? I'm so excited!

You're probably just working too hard.

Why don't you take a holiday with Clem? Find somewhere nice.

Go and have some fun.

Holidays are for happy people who want to spend time with their loved ones.

[doorbell]

Hello! How's my favorite lady?

Hello, darling.

Hello.

Fancy a cuppa?

May I have a cappuccino with extra cream and choccy?

Thank you.

So, darling, I have done it.

I have called Guru Luke,

and she said it's all right to give your "spunk"

to a complete stranger. Namaste.

So, how long will it take to get to Scotland?

Ireland. We're going to Ireland.

Oh.

It's probably about a 45-minute flight.

Then a boat trip over. Should be at the hotel by about teatime.

Soda rolls and cheese, I expect.

Not cheese. It gives me migraines. Believe me, it's not pretty.

I barf like an elephant.

Nice.

(Georgina) To the most successful insemination

that will ever be.

Yay.

Alright, darling, how's the plan?

It's in development.

Let's have a look.

There's nothing on it.

I need your help.

Darling, help her.

Don't look.

Stop being such a queen.

How obvious, Justin. Very deep.

"Sexy straight man." That's practical.

And on Day Four

if we erase "sexy" and "straight"

and add "Justin."

I think you're very sexy.

Just stunning.

So close to the mainland, but so wild and untouched.

Oh, yes. We're untouched by the modern hand of Satan.

Apart from the odd plane or two.

Island Life. The Rugged West.

Day One, we find ourselves in Inishmaan.

[buzz]

It's the least populated of the Aran islands.

It's a wild, rugged beauty

which has embraced human life for over 5, 000 years.

Is there a TV?

Why waste time doing a TV program

about people who don't own a TV? Doesn't make sense.

If every assistant was like you,

there'd be a drastic improvement in viewing quality.

You're right there.

[groan]

I don't want any stranger, someone I know is awkward

and we've established the sperm bank is a no-no.

What about "Sexy Brian"?

How could I look him in the face every day?

What about "Sexy Brian"?

It's not ethical.

I don't feel we're focused.

I really don't. What about a wedding?

Because everyone's really pissed and there's loads of love in the room.

Yeah, or a Christmas party.

In April?

Right. A funeral.

That's sick.

I love it.

Yeah, think about it.

There are a lot of vulnerable men,

overwhelmed with emotion and not thinking too straight,

some alcohol, gorgeous Georgie, easy pickings.

I think it's fantastic. Alright, so, to review.

On Day One you are going to lure

a really sexy handpicked stranger back to your apartment, right?

The only thing to figure out is how you're going to lure

the stranger back to your apartment.

Then, on Day Two, if you haven't shagged,

then you go to a very chic, tasteful burial.

The dead man can be no older than 40, because he'll have loads

of really sad lonely friends you'll have to comfort.

On Day Three, if you haven't shagged by then

we'll just have to go to some club, and you'll just

take the first randy stranger.

And take him back to a hotel, it's easier to escape.

And I do know of a really fabulous hotel near the club I've in mind.

And if we do get to Day Four, Justin, darling, my pet,

I'll even get you a hotel room.

I think you should definitely buy some sperm

just in case the plan is a flop.

Justin? I think with you on hand for the top-up,

this plan is foolproof.

So Lizzie decided to get a lodger.

She puts one ad in The Post

and the first guy that walks in within 10 seconds

they're having sex all over the apartment. So...

No, that's it, that's it.

Day One, we advertise your house to let,

by luring the Sexy Stranger to your house.

Have to tidy up Zak's stuff.

But you're really getting the hang of it!

Oh Clem, look. There's Ben.

Maybe he knows how to get hold of Zak.

Oh God.

All right?

Stop it, stop it. Don't, don't.

Why?

Don't call him over, please.

Have you and Ben...?

I have not and I never will.

All right, girls?

Ben!

(dryly Hello.

Interesting tree?

Yes, I happen to like the bark and the leaves on the tree very much.

Getting in shape?

I don't think there's anything wrong with my shape, thank you.

I know.

We're in a park, and Clem needed a wee, so...

The tree gets it.

If you don't mind, I'd actually like a bit of privacy.

I'm really glad we bumped into you,

I really need to get hold of Zak.

Sorry, I don't do domestics. Keep me out.

I know it's a lot to ask, but it's really urgent.

[sigh] If he gets in touch, I'll tell him to call.

Thanks, Ben.

Ben,

can you please go back to your friends

so I can have a wee? Thanks.

Watching is out of the question?

Ew.

All right, lads, slide it over here.

Shut up.

I like bark.

Shut up. Stop it.

What was wrong with you?

(Clem) Beautiful apartment for rent.

Open for viewing between six and eight.

It's not too early for you to have sex, is it?

Hello? Yes, it would suit a young professional person

Dark, handsome males in prime physical condition.

(female) Maybe you'd prefer to place it

in the 'lonely hearts' section?

This is a serious advertisement.

The apartment just happens to be very manly.

Of course, madam. Can I take your credit card details, please?

[squeal]

(Clem) Are you sure you want to go through with this?

I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mother.

I want the whole experience.

My whole body is just aching for it.

All right.

[opera music]

Justin!

[gasp]

Justin, for fuck's sake!

Sorry, Coco.

Hello. Be careful.

Hello.

Hello.

So, Georgie has hundreds of professional young males

coming tomorrow, so can you make her look fabulous

and just do your magicky things?

Right.

And, Justin, I want to be sexy but not too slutty.

(Clem) Only one ovum left.

(Georgina) I need more than one egg.

On Day One, a sexy handpicked stranger

will be lured to your apartment,

but we need to find a way to lure him back.

[alarm clock rings]

"My belly is a welcoming womb of warmth and willingness."

My belly is a welcoming womb of warmth and willingness.

I didn't realize microphones were so fluffy.

The mic is inside.

Do they come in different colors?

A pink one would look really cool.

Great idea.

Ow!

So,

we'll spend the first few days shooting G Vs, landscapes, etcetera.

Pretty pictures?

Yeah, yeah.

And when people are used to seeing us,

when we've had a few drinks

we can start doing some interviews.

Try to fit in, gain people's trust.

Integrity, that sort of thing.

Oh, you're so cute and so fluffy and adorable!

Zak, take a picture of this!

You do realize that donkey probably has rabies.

[whimpers]

[gasps]

[gasp]

Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

Stop panicking. It's really going to be fine.

Darling, what's all this?

(Georgina) I thought I'd make a casual reference

and see how compatible we are.

You're not going to marry them, you want their sperm.

But if I want a nice baby it helps to have similar interests.

Have you prepared your story?

Uh, no.

What are you going to say about yourself?

I'm Georgina Salt, I own a construction company.

No!

No?

No.

I'm Georgina Salt, I own a construction company.

No, they don't want a girl in a hard hat,

they want a woman who is strange and mysterious and fabulous.

Strange, mysterious, fabulous.

Try these.

They're sort of...

They're just...

We should go.

Good luck.

(Justin) Hang on. Another dog.

No. We asked for handsome professional males.

Quick!

Hi. Sorry. Are you here to rent that apartment?

No, I'm so sorry, but it's been rented by me and my fiance.

We're just so in love. Sorry.

[mumbles]

Oh God.

Did you not put "straight" in the ad?

Oh God, this is a complete waste of time.

[groan] Hello, soldier.

[doorbell]

Hi. Bob Tushy.

You have a really nice place.

Thank you.

So, where are you heading?

Ummm, I've been headhunted to head-up the head office.

It's very exciting stuff.

So where's head office? Anywhere nice?

Ummm, Kazakhstan.

Wow.

What will a... beautiful lady like you do out there?

Umm, it's very hush-hush, on the QT, but

I'll probably be killed while I'm away.

Right.

Would you like to sit down?

Okay.

Do you like Italian food?

I love it.

Oh!

I started making my own pasta recently.

Messy, but it's worth it.

What do you make?

Linguine, tortellini... All kinds.

Do you like France?

I just went there on my holidays.

Yeah.

Oh! Where did you go?

Paris, and then Versailles, which is amazing.

I've been there. It's so beautiful.

Stunning, really.

Yes.

Do you like architecture?

My sister's an architect.

[phone rings] I have a lot of respect for what she does

because, um, she builds things...

then, they're always there.

(Zak, phone beeps) Georgina, darling, it's me!

Baby, if you're there, pick up please!

Hello?

Darling, it's me.

Baby, if you're there, can you pick up please?

Zak!

Darling?

Thank God. I'm so glad you called.

Just, um, hold on.

Have you got someone there?

Mr. Tushy.

Hello?

I am so sorry, but the apartment

has just been rented by a very nice man.

Well, maybe I could call.

Maybe not.

Zak, are you still there? You'll never guess what's happened.

I have to see you.

(Alexandra) Zakkie, honey, could you zip me up?

Georgie? Georgina?

[groan]

What?! I only asked if you could zip me up?

(Georgina) I don't understand. Why call if he's still with her?

Who knows what's running through his head.

He probably wants his pie and his chips.

He wouldn't do that.

George, he's a man. And he's selfish, and, darling,

he's let you down when you needed him the most.

What do you know about it? You don't know what it's like, do you?

The longest you've been with someone is three weeks.

You don't know what it's like to be with someone for the longterm.

That's not true. I was with with Greg for one year.

Whoop dee doo. You had a teenage crush on some boy 13 years ago.

Did you know that I was pregnant?

You know,

I was so scared.

And I thought

I don't want to get fat.

And I want...

and I still want to go to parties.

And I want to wear short dresses. So we...

I made the decision.

And it was gone.

And I thought, "Right,

now everything's going to just go back to normal" and...

he left.

I'm so sorry.

Do you know that he used to...

kiss me right here...

to wake me up in the morning...

Just move the hair out of my eyes.

Fucking coconuts.

He always smelled of coconut shampoo.

Oh, Clem.

Why didn't you tell me? I would have been there. I would have helped you.

I didn't tell you because I don't want to be

one of those really sad dreary women.

You won't be. I won't let you.

And I won't let you either.

Come here.

(Georgie) My belly is a welcoming womb

of warmth and willingness.

[alarm clock rings]

[gasp]

"I am a fertile female

"full of fecundity and fruitfulness.

"I am a fertile female

full of fecundity and fruitfulness."

[thunder and rain]

(Zak) For fuck's sake! It's just a drizzle!

Come on!

Know how frizzy this'll get?

You are about as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter!

[groan]

Come on, Georgie, pick up.

[beeps]

No signal. Great.

[bell tolling]

(Clem So many men, so little time.

How did this guy Benny die?

Parachute jump.

Ouch.

Come on.

Hello!

Hello.

Hi. Our friend seems to have disappeared.

Can we get a lift to the party? I mean, the wake?

Sure. Hop in. I'm Malcolm.

Georgina.

Clem.

There you go.

Thank you.

[chatter and music]

(DJ, over PTA) This one is for Benny boy.

This looks promising.

Bubbly.

Excuse me, darling, how did you know Benny?

Everyone knew Benny.

Hello. Thank you.

He owned the club. Boy's Night.

(DJ) Yeah, you're with me, love.

Isn't this great? They are well up for it.

If I can't pull one of this lot,

you might as well shoot me now.

I better load both barrels.

[sigh] They're...

Yes.

All of them?

Well, maybe not them.

But the rest?

At a guess, yes.

(man in drag) Hello. Dressing down for this one.

Do you mind?

Carry on.

He would have loved this.

Who?

Well, Benny.

Oh, yes. He would, wouldn't he?

I'm James, by the way. Benny's accountant.

Oh, his ex-accountant.

You're his ex-accountant?

No, I mean you are with him being dead and everything.

Oh, right.

It's a nice disco, isn't it? Do you like disco dancing?

Mm. My girlfriend, well, my ex-girlfriend

I danced like I had a poker up my arse, which put me off.

No shit?!

Yeah.

Right. Well, it was nice to meet you, um...?

Georgina. I'll look out for the poker dancing.

I'm afraid you'll be looking for a while.

I'm off home. It's been a long day.

Oh, er, wait... could I, um,

could I go home with you? I mean, wait, sorry,

could I get a lift home to my home? Um...

Would I have to dance?

Um, dancing is not obligatory.

I'd love to.

[Clem shouts]

I'm sorry about the mess. I've been so busy with work lately.

Busy, busy, busy.

Yes... Busy.

Oh, it's... homely.

[both chuckle]

Would you like some wine before...?

Wine would be lovely before...

Um, take a seat, make yourself comfortable.

It was so sad when I heard about... Benny.

It was such a shock.

Well, he liked to take risks, didn't he?

I suppose knowing he lived his life to the full is some comfort.

We had some crazy times together.

Did you now?

Like what, exactly?

The usual crazy stuff. It's madness.

Anyway, let's not talk about Benny.

It's so sad. Let's just talk about us.

Yes. Let's.

Oh, shit.

Hm. Shit just about covers it.

Oh. Er, no, er, look, it's very complicated.

No, it's very simple. "Day one"

No, you don't understand. Some more wine?

What kind of sick person are you?

And for the record,

your flat has gone way past homely.

[clack]

(Georgina) I need more than one egg.

I don't want sperm, I want a baby.

22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th. Zak, where are you?

[alarm clock rings]

[sigh]

Oh, Zak, where are you?

(Mum) Let's get you something nice for your birthday.

What do you need, dear?

They don't sell what I need here.

I don't feel like partying this year.

All right, love.

But at least let me make you a birthday cake.

Why don't we split up and we'll have it done in no time?

All right, love.

[whimsical music]

(Mum) Someone likes his nuts!

Mom!

[whimsical music]

Nice young man.

Now, dear, have we got everything?

[bell tolling]

What may be boring for you may not be for other people.

Christ, if it's...

You can't say that, okay? Not here.

Jesus.

Or that! They'd prefer if you swore.

You'd be better off with a "shit."

Or, just a good loud "fuck."

Hi.

Welcome. Please, follow me.

Upstairs are the dormitories and the prayer rooms.

Not you, sir. Only the young lady can come.

Um, uh...

Look... if you want decent funding

for this precious series of yours,

it's gonna have to be great, not good.

So just relax, and let me do what I do best.

And what is that, exactly?

Girl talk.

[giggles] Hey! Wait up!

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah.

A mother and her newborn child.

Creation. Nothing is more divine.

I suppose not.

I wouldn't have thought that you think about that stuff.

You know, you being a nun.

Must be hard for you.

For a woman to... give that up.

I think for me, as a woman... it's the hardest sacrifice.

I think you're right.

Oh, Zak. I miss you.

[soft footsteps]

Brian.

You all right, boss?

Sorry, I didn't get much sleep.

I hope he was worth it.

There's nothing like that going on at all. Zak and I broke up.

Oh great.

It's not, because I just told you my six-year relationship has ended.

So, it's not great.

No, it's not great for you, and it's not great for him, but...

but for other available men

it's great.

Well, uh,

it's really hot in here.

Uh,

um, what, um...

[moans and groans]

Georgina?

Georgina?

Um,

Women have needs, Brian,

and I need these needs to be

tended to.

Bloody hell, that's fantastic.

I'll knead your needs any time, love.

Oh yeah.

Great.

What about the weekend of the 25th,

which happens to be tomorrow?

Eh?

We could do the morning, or I could slip you in after lunch.

Oh, slip me in...

No pressure.

It's a bit formal. Want me to sign a contract?

Actually, do you want to do that? No?

I'll get back to you.

Great.

Alright.

Okay, so the nuns are a little pissy. So what?

Pissy? Just don't get it, do you?

You've ruined everything. Without the nuns, we have nothing. Okay?

Without me, you have nothing, Zak Solomon. So I suggest

if you want my daddy funding this silly documentary

you start being nicer to me. A lot nicer.

Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a fuck anymore, okay?!

Sorry.

I'd like a ticket to London, please.

Hi, I need to be on the next flight to London, please.

Thank you.

The last ticket has just gone.

What?

Please, I need to be on that flight.

Well, maybe you could ask the lady.

I'd rather cover my balls in honey

and stick them in an ants' nest.

I'm very sorry, sir, there's nothing more I can do for you.

Okay, where's the next flight from?

Anywhere?

Okay. The Dublin flight is full.

Right.

I'm just checking Belfast for you.

Good.

Yes. No. That's full, too.

There must be something you can do.

You thought about the ferry?

Hi. I need to get to Cork for the ferry.

Can you get me there in three hours?

You must be joking.

No? ...Okay.

How about now?

[mumbles]

Brilliant.

I did it in four hours once.

(male announcer) Boarding for the Pembroke ferry is now closing.

Excuse me.

Oi!

Alright, look,

"After insemination, keep legs raised for 15 minutes. " Oh.

"Sperm must be used before it separates and gets cold."

Yuk. That's disgusting.

All right, moving on. Look, look.

Here's a list of loads and loads of potential daddies.

4-50 looks good. He's German, Scottish and Italian. That's nice.

No, no. Your baby will then work

really hard at making loads of teeny-weeny little pizzas.

Look, what about there, number four. That one.

Look at him. English and Hungarian. There we go.

You could pretend it's Zak's, and then I can sue him for maintenance.

Shouldn't have to pretend, he should be here.

Just call me 'one egg'.

No.

No boyfriend, one egg.

No, but, darling,

Happy. We're going to be happy now.

Happy one egg.

Look, was that a smile?

There we go, there's a smile. I like that.

Come here.

I wish I could see their faces.

(doorman) Evening, ladies. Having fun?

[fake accent] Mm, Ignita sad.

She not want to go back to Stockholm.

Away you go. Enjoy yourselves.

[dance music]

(Georgina) I can see that girl's arse.

I can actually see her arse.

She'll catch pneumonia.

Look, darling, do you see what I see?

(girl) Yeah, and the rest!

Think there's room for a brain?

Perfect.

But the thing about slappers is that they consider sex their job

and condoms are like their uniform, so they just buckle up.

That sort of defeats the purpose.

Well, tell him that you're a virgin.

I'm 30 bloody 4 tomorrow.

Yes, but you're Irish.

I'm half Irish. And tonight I'm Swedish.

Well, new plan. You're Irish again.

I don't really think they have virgins in Sweden.

Now go. Go get him, darling.

[thud]

[ripping and groans]

Ciao, bella. Where hid you all my lives?

(receptionist Hello.

Room 8-42, please.

You come party with us?

No, thank you, sir.

I'm sure madam will see to all your needs.

[giggles]

Hope they're not next to us.

[groan]

[squeals and giggles]

Mamma mia.

[groan] Ha! Bellisima!

Zak, I'll never forgive you.

So, princess, you miss Ireland?

No, but I was the runner-up for Miss Jamaica.

Up your bottom.

Not on a first date.

Luca, you're a very handsome man.

Yeah... me, too.

Um, I want you to be my first.

Yeah. Madonna!

Madonna, but not the singer. Like...

Oh my God!

Oh shit!

I have to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute.

Don't move a muscle.

Yeah, Colin? I'll be outside in two minutes, mate.

No, nothing much. Just a card, and some cash.

No, I don't think I'll bother...

She's a bit soft in the head.

Luca, please be gentle with me.

Luca?

[sigh]

Fuck!

[groan]

Fuck!

(Clem, sleepy) Hello?

Clem, it's me. Let's do it.

Right. Is it the pizza man or Mr Goulash?

(Georgina) I don't want sperm, I want a baby.

(Clem) And Justin on hand for the task.

I need more than one egg.

If we even get to Day Four,

you need to seriously consider replacing your entire wardrobe.

[groaning]

[groans]

Excuse me, I'm looking for a turkey baster.

You're well-organized, girls. Come in handy for Christmas there.

(Clem) Coming in handy will be no use to us,

you see, my friend, she went on the Internet and she ordered...

No, no.

You don't want to waste your money on one of those.

Have one of these. I know. She's a beauty.

And she'll always double up as a spoon.

That's lovely. It's a top of the range spoon.

Bit of a squeeze. What I need is a turkey baster.

Yeah, the one with the huge squishy balls

and the long plastic thingy.

Something really... big and, like, hard.

Do you think one day I'm gonna meet a turkey baster of my own?

I think it's talking to me. Hello. And what do you do?

He bastes turkeys. That's really fascinating.

Darling, I'm being an insensitive cow, I'm sorry.

I want Zak. I only want Zak.

You can't speak about other men in front of Mr Turkey Baster.

I just never thought it would come to this.

The potential father of my child is a sodding kitchen utensil.

Stop it. Stop it. Come on.

[ferry horn]

Excuse me, I'm sorry!

Hi. How you doing? I need to to get to London.

London, is it?

Yeah.

That's an hundred pound each way.

Do you take credit cards? No? Visa, Mastercard, American Express?

There's an 'hole in the wall' up the road.

Right. Don't go anywhere.

Fuck!!

Morning, boss.

Good morning, Brian.

It's a bit of a mess.

Which bathroom?

Up the stairs. It's only because people were using the lav

that we found out there was a problem.

Yuk. Can't believe people use the toilet in a show home.

Yep as funny as folk. Let's check upstairs.

Anyway, it just means that this unit

will be out of order for a bit.

That can't be helped.

Hm.

I wonder if it's only the toilets that they use.

Well, you never know.

I, um... I phoned you.

Last night. I left a message about our date today.

Right.

We hadn't confirmed times or what, but...

So, boss, here we are... How about it?

Oh... we couldn't. I mean, what if someone came in?

There's only two sets of keys

and I've got one and you've got the other.

So why don't you...

get yourself comfy... and I'll go and lock up.

Here we go, here we go, here we go

Come on! Come on!

Brian, I just wanna say...

Come here.

Right, you ready for this?

Yeah... I just wanna

Yeah, go, go. I'll be in here.

(Brian) I'll tell you what, love,

I've been thinking about this for absolutely ages.

Really?

Wait and see what I've got for you.

It's an absolute belter.

Hey, I've not had any complaints... I'm not gonna start now.

Hey, don't worry about precautions.

I had a bad case of mumps last year, so I'm infertile.

What?

It's fine. I had kids early.

I've got a ten year old and an eight year old with my first wife.

It comes in handy, now I'm back on the market.

Mind you, it was a nasty business.

My bollocks swelled to the size of a watermelon.

They took on a life of their own.

I had to sit on a special cushion.

Anyway... you nearly ready?

I've just got to go to the bathroom.

That one is broken, so I'm going to run downstairs.

Hey, no problemo. Whatever.

Come on, lad!

[workmen whistle and shout]

"After insemination, keep legs raised for 20 minutes."

[doorbell]

Miss Salt?

Yes.

Your, um... Sign here, please.

Don't forget, keep it warm, and use it before it separates.

Oh.

Oh, shit, it's too big. [groan]

Right, little ones, I want you to swim, swim, swim.

(Mum) Georgina?

[shout] Mum!

Happy birthday, dear. I wanted to surprise you.

Oh dear, the icing is not dry.

I'll just pop it in the fridge.

Or should we have a piece now?

Oh, no, no.

It's so lovely, I just want to save it

to show it to Justin and Clem.

Oh, Justin. He's a nice boy, isn't he?

Yes, he's nice.

God... no-one said it would be easy

but I for one never thought that it would come to this.

Hm. Nor me, l... [sigh]

Oh, darling.

If I had the necessary machinery, I'd step in and I'd do it.

No, I haven't got it. So I can't do it.

Right, no, of course.

And I want you to remember that...

"It is a far greater thing that..."

you do today... than...

Done, are you?

I don't know what it is but...

Anyway, listen. The thing is,

you're standing in 'the last chance saloon. '

You fuck this up...

and you fuck up her life.

Okay.

Anyway, darling... have fun.

Right.

Bye. Alright.

Hello.

[both chuckle nervously]

Thank you so much for doing this.

Hello. We've booked a room for Jones.

Mr. and Mrs. A suite, please.

(Zak Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

Homeless git!

Yeah, you too, mate.

Taxi!

[chuckles nervously]

Look, I know it's awkward, but I want you to know,

I'm really grateful.

Ah!

Fuck.

Just breathing. Feeling good.

Just a child, just the rest of your life.

It's nothing, it's fine. Breathe in.

[mumbles]

Breathe. Just feeling good.

[breathes, chuckles nervously] Fuck.

Come on. Come on! God.

Come on. Up you get. [groan]

How's it going?

Not very well. Uh...

Anything I can do?

I don't know, uh,

Well, you could...

I don't know, you could...

you could pretend to be Brian.

(deep voice I'm Brian. Sex god of Salt Construction.

I'm wearing tight jeans, and sweat is dripping off my big bulging muscles.

I've got a huge belter waiting for you, and I want to grab your arse.

[cell phone rings]

That was great.

Yes! Yes!

Oh my God! Oh yes! Yes! Oh my God!

Georgie, you're not gonna believe it. It's amazing!

George Michael has just called me, and he said that

he wants me to do his costumes for his next tour.

What?!

Yes! And I have to go now. He wants me to go to a fitting now.

I want it. I want that spunk. So you get back in there.

George.

I can't do it.

It's a huge responsibility.

I can't have a baby with you because Clem ordered me to.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

You can't pull out now. I forbid you.

We'll go down to the bar, and I will find you a man.

No way. I'm sick of looking at every man like he's a dick on legs.

I have one day left, and you promised!

You're my best friend!

No, I'm not gonna get my pants off.

You're not taking off my trousers.

I am not having sex with you!

I'm walking out of this room. Ow!

You deserve a whipping! I'm going to give it to you!

(Justin) Stop it! Stop it! Help! Help me!

Can you come back later?

(manager) Come along.

What I do in the privacy of my own room...! We were wrestling!

Hang on, it was role playing. You're gonna hear from me.

Yes.

We're two consenting adults and he was up for it!

Thank you, madam.

And... good night!

Good night.

Taxi. Taxi!

Taxi!

Please! ...Yes!

(Ben) I said, "I'll not go near that thing. You're crazy. "

Ben!

You alright?

[sigh]

What's wrong?

I had a dream of my life.

I would marry Zak and we would have

a few children and a lovely home.

I'm sure that's what Zak wants, too. Deep down.

I know about Alexandra.

The daddy's girl?

Mouth with more teeth than a shark?

I know all about their affair. It's okay.

No, he thinks she's a complete pain in the arse.

Well, even if he wasn't with her, I can't force him to be with me.

I miss him so much.

Georgina, it's all right.

[keys turning]

Hey, Zak!

What's going on?

Zak! I'm so glad you're back! Thank God.

Zak, it's not what you think.

Not what I think?

Wait!

You can't keep your hands off her!

It's taken half my life to get here!

Georgina was very upset.

No, no, no. This is upset. You absolute arse!

Wait! Stop! Stop!

Wanker!

[angry shouting]

[groan and gasp]

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Wait, Zak!

Zak! Zak!

You've reached Zak Solomon's voicemail. Please leave a message.

I have something important to tell you. Please call me.

I need to see you tonight, before it's too late.

Maybe God has other plans for me.

All right, uhh...

Would you like some vodka?

No.

What about some beer or whiskey?

No.

No? All right, I know, what about echinacea,

with sort of ginger? Do you like that?

All right, I'll have a weak one.

Alright.

[doorbell]

Oh, I'll be right back.

Oh. Hello.

[stutters] What do you want?

I had a wee spot of bother with Georgina and Zak. Have you...

Hey, Georgina! Did you find Zak?

Are you all right? I felt bad.

I tried calling him.

I'm sorry I ran out.

[doorbell rings]

Clem, hi.

Zak.

I need to find out what's going on between Georgina and Ben.

(Georgina) You're all right?

(Ben) I'm absolutely fine.

Or maybe I should just see for myself.

I don't believe this.

You're getting this all wrong.

Oh really?!

Ow! That really hurt!

Right... get down!

[groaning]

Do as you're told! How many times...?

Oh, great, I'm bleeding.

[groans]

I've been telling you, I don't fancy Georgina.

She's all right, but... she's no Clem, is she?

What?

What?

Well, you're just so...

What?

What I mean is you're really...

Do you like me?

Well, yeah.

Yeah?

Is that okay?

That's fine, good, thank you.

Don't. Stop looking.

Excuse me.

Aye.

So now that we've established that

I'm not the hot property that you think I am

what do you want?

Then you can go crawling back to Alexandra.

What?

[scoffs] Alexandra?

You are joking, aren't you?

Okay, you're not. Sure, she's beautiful,

but that's not what I look for in a person, George, you know that.

What I mean is that you are way past beautiful.

You're not past it, obviously.

I mean, you're beautiful, but you're so much more than that.

Oh shit, um...

Georgie... I love you, okay?

I've never stopped loving you. Not for a second.

Life without you doesn't make any sense.

Georgie, please, can we just, can we...

Look... I want what you want.

And not because you want me to want it but because I want it too.

Does that make sense?

Well, unfortunately for me, it's too bloody late.

I've become your ideal woman, but I can't have children.

What? Georgie!

Georgie! What do you mean?

Ask them, they'll tell you.

I wanna ask you.

Leave me alone.

Well?

(Zak) They've explained everything. I'm so sorry.

I really meant what I said. Let's still try.

Okay? I love you.

[knocking]

Can I come in, boss?

Brian, come in. Hi.

About the other day, uh...

Look, don't say another word.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It was my bollocks, weren't it?

Not exactly. It...

Look... I know.

Sometimes the sheer size of my down belows scares people off.

That was before the mumps.

Oh!

Yeah, well.

Thank you for this lovely chat.

Maybe we could just put it behind us?

Yeah, no problemo. It'll just be our little secret.

Thank you, Brian.

And all the lads who saw you running off.

It'll be their little secret as well. Okay.

[soft knocking]

Come in!

Hi.

(male jogger) Hello.

Ow.

(second male jogger) Hi.

(Georgina) Hi.

Ouch!

(3rd male jogger) Hello.

Hi.

(Linda) Miss Salt. This is Linda,

at the Park Mews Clinic.

As you requested, we've rechecked your positive urine test.

And the result of your blood test shows

that you are 100% pregnant!

[laughter]

[chatter and music]

Zachariah, darling.

Lovely party.

She's so sweet, how she's sleeping.

Show me again.

It's just gorgeous.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

I want to give you your real present.

Mm. My real present.

Come and get it. You have to look for it

Okay, do you wanna give me a clue?

Cold.

Warmer.

Very, very hot.

[chuckles] You're...

you're...

um, uh,

God! Wow, it's...

Woo!

Hip hip... Hooray! Hip hip... Hooray! Hip hip... Hooray!

Oh, come here!

[sighs and groans]

I love you.

I love you too.

Subtitles by LeapinLar