Original subtitles

(Zoe) Just when you think you got the whole dang thing down,

someone throws you for a loop, hmm.

And then he said, "Next time

I'll bring my own damn corkscrew."

(both laughing)

This has been really nice.

(Zoe) This is David.

He's in sales. He is so cute.

He could sell ice to this Eskimo.

Most first dates are so awkward.

I know, right.

I would rather walk into a sauna without my flip-flops

than to go on some of these awkward-ass dates.

- I feel the same way. - (chuckles)

- You seem great. - Thank you.

- You too. - Thank you.

Yeah. (chuckles)

With that said, I don't want to waste your time,

you don't want to waste my time.

You mind if I ask you a few questions?

Sure.

Oh, you wrote 'em down and everything, huh?

Oh, yeah.

- Any outstanding warrants? - No.

- DUI? - Nope.

STD?

Absolutely not.

Crazy ex-husband?

Define "crazy."

(chuckles) I'm just playing.

Oh! (laughs)

I mean, he's not super crazy.

There was this one time... (sighs)

That was more angry than crazy

'cause he has a temper.

He is the middleweight champion of the world.

But, uh, no, I'm gonna go with not crazy.

Next question?

Can I get that check, please?

I hope he doesn't think we going Dutch.

Zoe

Ever after

Zoe

(woman) The famous tree.

Can you finally share the origin?

All y'all want to know, huh?

I got this right before I went to the Olympics.

You know, coming up in Brooklyn,

it's like boxing was my ticket out.

A lot of my friends, you know, they weren't that lucky.

So I got this to represent for 'em.

I call it my tree of life, for the lost ones.

(woman) You can cut, John.

Huh.

Just when I thought I knew everything about you.

Peel a layer back on that ass.

(both laughing)

You know what would be dope?

You can interview Zoe and X.

Come by the loft.

Oh. Great!

After that, I'll jab a fork in my eye.

Or have you forgotten Zoe is not my biggest fan?

Pshh, she ain't my biggest fan these days either.

Yeah, I kinda got that

when she busted out the windows of your McLaren

after our last interview.

Oh, that had nothing to do with you.

That was about this other chick who...

Never mind, that's not important.

(both chuckling)

Look, X and Z, that's my family.

If you want to do a documentary on the champ,

they are the champ.

Okay.

But if she comes gunning for me,

maybe we'll both kick your ass.

Ooh, two women.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

What you reading?

Oh, it's a book by Sonja Warfield

called "Big Fat Negro, Get Your Lazy Ass Off My Couch."

So it's a romantic comedy.

(chuckling) This woman knows her stuff.

Mm-hmm. Okay, listen to this,

"We must stop thinking and acting

like penis is an endangered species."

- Penis? - Mm-hmm.

"If you think about it, penis is like Starbucks.

There's one on every corner."

That is so true.

What corner is she hanging out on?

And point me in that direction.

It's right there.

Good morning, good people.

Ah, good morning.

I thought I'd give us all a treat

and not suffer through Valent?'s coffee.

- Oh, my God. - Mm, shade.

See, I thought you was my friend.

I am.

You're coffee just nasty.

This one's for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And this one's for you.

Ooh, black with extra sugar,

just like I like it.

You're forgiven.

And this one's for Miguel.

- What? - (coughing)

I missed Al Roker this morning, did hell freeze over?

Stop.

After I hung out with Miguel in Atlantic City,

I realized that he's not the blood-sucking incubus

I thought he was.

I mean, this guy started his company with two employees,

re-doing bathrooms in Hoboken.

Now he has 10 employees, doing restorations in the Hamptons.

Ten employees?

Yes.

That's more than what you have.

Maybe he should be buying you coffee.

Hey, I miscounted my crew this morning,

so it's your lucky day.

Oh, you already got one.

No, thanks, uh...

A girl can never have too much coffee.

Ne-ver.

Hey, Miguel.

This book says that there's a pen...

Oh, I mean, an eligible bachelor on every corner.

What corner would your pe...

I mean, someone like you hang out on?

Look, Pearl, if it were me

and I were looking for a God-fearing pe... Mmm.

I mean gentleman, I would go to church.

Miguel, I didn't know you went to church.

What are you, a... Catholic?

I was raised Catholic,

but where I go to now is different.

Is it Baptist?

It's non-denominational.

You know, cool minister, a band, lots of hugging.

That does not sound like church,

that sounds like Coachella.

We have a service tonight if y'all want to go.

Ah, thanks, but I get plenty of God on Sunday.

Yeah, and who goes to church on Wednesday?

Those of us who don't want to go to hell

and a lot of good-looking single men.

Okay.

I feel the Holy Spirit coming on.

We going to church we making it happen

(woman) Xavier, do you think Juarez is a better boxer than your dad?

I don't know.

I'm just wondering what round Dad will knock him out in.

First round, then we're going to Disneyland, son.

Come on, come on.

So you better duck. You better duck.

Outta here. (chuckles)

Uh, why is there a sweaty guy

on my leather chaise

pointing a camera at my son?

Mom, I'm on TV.

(laughs) Zo to the...

E to the...

You right on time for...

You right on time for your part of the interview.

What I'm about to say probably

can't be said on television.

Ah, come on, babe.

It's a sports channel. (chuckles)

They're here, they doing a piece on me

called "Countdown to Greatness."

Mm.

Wait, you... you... you remember Ashley, right?

Yes, I remember that piece.

Good to see you, too, Zoe.

Can I see you on the terrace?

You hang tight, be right back.

You might want to take five.

They're gonna be a minute.

After

Why the hell you got that woman in my house?

Don't start this, not now.

I told you long time ago

nothing ever happened between me and Ashley.

She is just doing her job.

Oh, I'll... I'll bet. Hand or blow?

There you go.

Yes, here I go. Here... I... go.

Uh-oh, she's starting to roll her neck.

This is not gonna end well.

Oh, God.

Now you starting with the neck rolling.

This is not gonna end well.

No, it's not gonna end well, you know why?

Because I come up in here and you got some camera

in my son's face like this is damn TMZ.

This is important to me, Z.

All right, I know it's not as important

as maybe, say, lipstick.

But can you please just have my back?

All my life I've had your back.

I've washed it, I've scratched it.

I ain't talking... I've even vetoed those batwings

you wanted tattooed on it.

Have my back for once.

- Have your... ? (laughing) Whoa. - Don't laugh.

Are you really saying that to me?

- Right now? - Yes, I'm saying it right now.

While we standing on the terrace

of my $7 million penthouse.

- Five. - Oh, whatever.

I done made all of this lovely for you.

You livin' the good life, girl.

You know what?

This is my fault.

I have allowed you to go unchecked.

We have pushed the boundaries

or the lines.

Let you back into my bed.

No more, Gemini.

Consider yourself checked.

Aight, Stella.

Excuse me?

Stella St. James.

Ain't that the name of your strong, independent

black woman alter ego.

You know what? Go to hell, Gemini.

And get them damn cameras out my house

and take that piece with you.

(chorus) Hallelujah, praise...

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

Oh, my God.

Miguel was right.

It's like a meat market for Jesus in here.

Mm, did you notice the deacon's selling mix tapes in the lobby?

Any good Christian knows you sell them

in the trunk of the car.

Stop it.

Judge lest ye be judged.

- Oh, whatever. - Oh, come on, let's find Miguel.

- Where he at? - Hey, hey.

Zoe, what are you doing here?

I thought you said Sunday was your God day.

Where is Miguel, that blood-sucking incubus?

Oh. Zoe Moon, we do not blaspheme

in the house of the Lord.

All right, fine.

But when we get out of here,

I'm gonna blaspheme all up in Miguel's snitching ass.

All right, all right.

You know what, you're not dragging me to hell.

Okay, I'm gonna be over there

with the wine and Jesus crackers, okay?

What is going on?

Pearl, Miguel told Gemini

all about Atlantic City and about Stella.

I bet you he hired him to get dirt on me

and then used that dirt

to take down Zoe Moon Cosmetics.

And then I have nothing,

and then I have to go running back to him.

Genius, huh?

You really need to stop binge-watching "Empire."

Hello.

I thought that you were no-go for the mid-week worship.

No, I came to see if I could find Judas.

Ah, there he is.

Before you ruin things for me...

Hey, hey, hey.

Where are tonight's contestants

for this black bachelorette?

Oh, relax, relax.

Let the contestants come to you.

Yes, please.

Nobody likes a thirsty Jezebel, Jezebel.

Or a backstabbing Judas, Judas.

You know, maybe you should do your drinking after church.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Ignore her. Me, men, where?

Okay. Uh, all right.

- You see those guys over there? - Yes.

- They started the single no-kids ministry. - Ooh.

Now, the one on the right over there with the...

Ge-ge-ge-ge-ge! You had me at "single."

Bye-bye.

So, is charming people and earning their trust,

then betraying them a part of your ministry, Miguel,

if that's your real name?

- Brother Miguel? - Yes?

Thank you so much for reinforcing the risers

in the church choir room.

Sadly our Jenny Craig group just never took off.

Glad to help. My ple...

You told Gemini about Stella.

- Listen, I... - (man) Well!

What do we have here?

Oh, Brother Hedgepath, this is Zoe.

Zoe, Brother Hedgepath.

Hey there, young tender.

I recently lost my wife.

Aw, I'm... I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

You're pretty sexy your damn self.

He's a little deaf,

so you're gonna have to speak up.

I'm gonna let you two get to know each other.

Has anybody ever told you

that you look like Santa Claus?

Say what?

I said, has...

I don't have time for this.

Zoe

Ever after

All we need is time...

It's all packed.

I just came to say good-bye.

Look, I'm sorry about what happened at the loft.

I don't know, I just wasn't expecting that.

Really?

That's exactly what I expected.

Except, in my mind's eye,

Zoe was carrying at least one weapon.

Don't worry.

I got lots of great shots

of your famous tattoo.

You got any shots of her

kicking me out of my own damn house?

I don't know, I just...

I know we're not together anymore,

but I always kinda thought we'd be...

together, you know?

Look, if you ever need a friend to talk to,

without the cameras, I'm here.

Okay, just so I'm clear,

you're saying that I'm in the friend zone

forever-ever?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't know if I do.

I mean...

I'm here.

I'm getting too I'm getting too

I'm getting too, ooh, oh

Personal

Getting too personal

- I'm getting too...

- I'm hot.

Where the paper fans with the Martin Luther King on 'em?

Shh, I'm trying to catch me a holy spirit.

Catch the what?

Oh, girl, please.

What you catch in here,

you might need a shot to get rid of.

Pearl, switch seats with me.

I need to talk to Miguel.

Mm-kay.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Hi there, young tender.

Oh, hey. (chuckles)

And remember, you can follow me on Twitter @blessedtoimpress

and #imgoingtoheavenhowaboutyou.

Can I get an amen?

(all) Amen!

Switch seats with me or you're fired.

- Thy will be done. - Great.

As you know, it is Parishioner Appreciation Day

here at the Interfaith Church of Forgiveness and Light.

You can run, but you can't hide.

- How much is Gemini paying you? - Shh.

And this week, we want to acknowledge a very special man

who has stepped up for us many times.

When the kids' playground needed a new swing set,

bam, this man handled it.

You're a snitch and you're a spy.

I should've known better than to trust you.

Pal my ass, Lucifer is more like it.

Sorry, Jesus.

He is one of the most dedicated members of our congregation

and is founder of the Don't Shoot People,

Shoot Hoops youth program.

Now, that's somebody you can learn from.

Your brother, my brother, our brother,

Mr. Miguel Maldonado.

Ha-ha!

Go ahead, we know him.

Zoe, Zoe

Well, I opened up the Bible...

Pillar of the community, my ass.

He probably does all of this

just to drum up stuff for his company.

Uh, finally, I just want to thank you all

for accepting me in your community

and for being so trustworthy

because, well, without trust there is no community.

(speaking Spanish)

And to our new French-speaking members...

(speaking French)

And I will see you all

for the Wounded Warrior quilt sewing on Sunday.

Thank you, good night.

All right, thank you, guys, for coming out.

Blessings. We'll see you Sunday.

So what do you say you and me go out

for a slice of peach pie.

No offense, but why the hell would I go out

with a dirty old man like you?

Because this dirty old man has a grandson

who is a 6'4" banker. Oh.

- And single. - Yes, yes, yes.

Come walk with me, Granddaddy.

(laughing)

'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

I may be late to work, okay?

So, what did y'all think of the service?

Mm, it was too quick.

I mean, how is a man supposed to repent

for his sins in 13 minutes?

I didn't even get through Monday.

Listen, you may have everybody else here fooled

with your youth programs and your soldier quilts,

but I know exactly what kind of snake in the garden you are,

you snake in the garden.

For the last time, I'm not Gemini's spy.

You stand right here in the interfaith church

of whatever he said it was

and swear that you didn't tell him

about Stella St. James.

(kissing) I swear.

Well, the only other people in Atlantic City were Pear...

Oh, okay, see, what had happened was

I was doing your expenses,

'cause I'm always trying to save you money, girl,

so I thought, "Let's put the trip on Gemini's card."

But then his accountant called and said,

"Who the hell is Stella St. James?"

And I said, "Oh, that's Zoe's version of Sasha Fierce."

So I guess she told Gemini,

but the good news is you ain't gotta pay.

Yay!

You better be glad we in the house of God.

Yes. 'Cause when I get back to the house of lip gloss,

I'm gonna lose my religion on you.

You know, I'm gonna pray to the Lord

this doesn't affect my performance review.

Okay.

Not that this hasn't been fun,

but I am getting very tired of being caught

in between you and your husband's domestic issues.

Ex-husband and in my defense they're mostly his issues.

I'm sorry.

Well, look, today is about forgiveness, right?

And trust.

So...

you are forgiven...

for today.

Amen.

And you don't have to translate that for me.

Not that the languages were not impressive

because they were. (chuckles)

Well, see, I am not just the hammers, nails,

and great ass.

That's right, I see the way y'all look at me

when I walk by.

I'm gonna talk to Pearl.

And? Valent?.

Yeah, that's who I'm worried about.

Yeah, and since today is about forgiveness,

let me make up for the sexual harassment

by taking you out for something stronger than coffee.

Miss Zoe Moon, are you asking me out?

I'm offering to buy you not coffee.

Well, that sounds great, but I already have plans.

- Hey, Miguel. - Hey.

- Ready to go? - Yeah, uh, Zoe, this is Alejandra.

Alejandra, Zoe.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

Have fun.

See you at work.

Something in my heart I just got to say

Is it really real?

- (phone ringing) - Hello?

Hey, X, what's up man?

Ready to see yourself on TV?

This could be your big break.

Jaden Smith, eh. (chuckles)

Ay, is, uh, is your mom watching with you?

Yup, she said good luck.

At least I think that's what she said.

She has a mouth full of popcorn.

Hey, uh, I miss you, my dude.

I miss you, too, Dad.

Oh, it's about to start. Talk to you after.

Bye. Bye.

I'm Ashley King,

and this is "Countdown to Greatness."

Yeah, it is.

We already great. We already great.

Today I sit down with middleweight champion of the world,

Gemini Moon.

(men) Whoo!

There's only one.

We know him as the lightning quick, hard-punching boxer,

who has dominated his weight class for the past decade.

But one must wonder if Moon is really up for his next bout.

Gemini Moon hasn't defended his title in almost two years.

For a boxer, that's a long time to not have been in the ring.

A long time to not have given another fighter

a chance at the throne.

Rising from the mean streets of East Los Angeles,

Juarez has transformed himself from a wayward youth

into a seasoned contender.

He went from chump to chump.

He's trained extensively for this fight,

putting on almost 20 pounds of pure muscle.

I don't know, Mom.

Juarez looks kind of scary.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Juarez may be bigger and tougher

and younger and faster,

but Daddy, Daddy is, um...

Daddy's...

Daddy's got...

(Zoe) Being a single parent,

you don't always have all the answers,

so when in doubt...

Pillow fight!

Ever after Zoe, Zoe

Ever after, Zoe, Zoe

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