Original subtitles

(Zoe) I usually take this time to tell you about my dates.

But tonight, I'm dateless.

You're gonna miss me

You're gonna miss me

So, what are y'all doing for the long weekend?

Not going out with woulda-coulda-shoulda.

Steven is in town and he hasn't texted, tweeted or post

since Gemini swooped in with the kiddie cockblock.

Oh!

Woulda-coulda-shoulda is clearly ghosting you, child.

He's "whatting" me?

Ghosting.

Cutting off all communication.

It's the best way to send the message

that you have moved on,

i.e., the opposite of what Pearl usually does.

The only way to get rid of her

is a restraining order.

Here's a little Pearl of wisdom for you.

The guy you stalk today,

could turn into your groom tomorrow.

Girl, please.

After last week, I seriously need to stay as far away

from Gemini as possible.

Wait, what happened last week?

Um... nothing.

Oh, I know that look.

That's the look of deep regret.

You slept with Gemini!

I did not sleep with Gemini.

We had sex.

Oh my God.

Zoe Moon, really?

You are the first one to call me desperate

when it comes to men

and you can't even get over your ex.

I'm trying to, Pearl.

It's not that easy to get over someone

you've been with for 20 years.

Um, just avoid him.

How?

We have a child together.

And there's a big-ass billboard of him

and his naked chest

in the middle of Times Square like...

What you need is a change of scenery.

Let's get away this weekend.

Somewhere where you're not Mrs. Moon

and some place you won't run into Gemini or his peen.

- Yes, please, please. - Ooh!

Don't do that again.

I know where we can go

- and not run into anyone's peen. - Where?

Unless, of course, we want to.

Atlantic City.

Ooh.

What happens there stays there, right?

Wait, I thought that was Vegas.

It applies to any place

you're doing things you shouldn't.

Hey.

Atlantic City...

(all) Here we come!

So excited.

You paying, right?

Zoe

Ever after

Zoe

We can go where

No one finds us

(Zoe) This place is perfect.

It's so cheesy.

It's so... Jersey.

Yeah.

See, I don't have to be Mrs. Moon here.

I can be anybody I want.

Well, can you be somebody that gets us VIP access

to the Chocolate Thunder Revue?

'Cause Mama wanna make it rain.

See, Mrs. Moon gets VIP,

but Stella St. James is cool kicking it

with the normal folks.

Who the hell is Stella St. James?

And why are we wasting time talking about her

when we could be gambling?

Stella St. James is my alter ego for the weekend.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) She's Jamaican but lives in Harlem

and she teaches middle school English,

hence the perfect diction.

Ha!

I want an alter ego, too.

- Of course. - We know.

Every guy I meet online lies to me,

so now it's my turn to lie to somebody else.

Mm-hmm.

Y'all, this is gonna be fun.

Yes, yes, yes...

Tonight, we eat oysters!

- Oh. - Oh.

- I hate oysters. - Exactly, that's the point.

Zoe hates oyster's too.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) But Stella St. James loves them.

(speaking in British accent) Well, I'm Lolita Bombay

and I'm allergic to oysters,

but I love me some shrimp.

I'm British by way of India,

so that's all I had access to

on the long boat ride across the pond.

That was good. Thank you.

Well, your hair come from India, anyway.

Hey, get out of here.

So who you gonna be, smart-ass?

Oh, honey, I'm gonna be me!

Oh. "V" to the "alent?."

'Cause if it ain't broke, no need to fix it.

Dip it, dip it, dip it.

Okay, y'all, so now that we are happily in

Gemini-free zone this weekend,

under no circumstance does anyone utter the G-word.

- Got it? - Promise.

Compliments of the house.

Gemini Moon's wife's money is no good here.

Thank you.

Ooh, yes.

Okay, starting now.

Cheers! Cheers!

(speaking in Jamaican accent) Man!

Fly away

(Gemini) Good looking out, Amir.

You could put those in the kitchen.

Oh, it is my happy pleasure to see you

back in your home where you belong.

Yeah, I know, but I'm only here for the weekend.

Dad's tricking out his place in the Hamptons.

He's putting a waterslide next to the pool.

Among some other things, you know.

A cabana, waterfall.

Grotto.

Ah, very Playboy Mansion circa 1975.

Yeah.

Getting my Hef on, you know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying, sir.

And may I say it is not

the same around here without you.

They say divorce is always hardest on the doorman.

Yeah, yeah, I think I heard that before.

And let's just say Mrs. Moon

is not as generous as you are, sir.

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that

when you were helping us out of the car.

And in the elevator.

Twice.

There you go.

Thank you, sir.

I must admit, I never thought the two of you

would ever break up.

I thought you would be the Amerani and Abagdad

of the building.

Who?

That is my country's Will and Jada.

But at least your son is doing very well

now that he has stopped disappearing.

Hey, my man is on top, just like his pops.

Yo, X, why don't you tell Amir

how you're killing it at school?

Well...

He is killing it at school.

I mean, my boy's running the whole third grade.

And he even got a date tonight.

Give it up, Mini-Me.

It's not a date.

And I don't need my business broadcast

to the world, Daddy.

(Valent?) Hit me.

Aw, dang!

GD, Dolce & Gabbana, I'm busted.

Ooh, you know what?

I'm gonna play the "Sex and the City" slots,

because Samantha always puts out.

Bye.

Pearl.

Oh, shoot.

Blackjack!

(laughing)

Oh, sorry.

(speaking in British accent) Blackjack.

(laughing)

This is bloody awesome.

Oh.

This is bloody "awesomer."

Hello, mate.

I'm Lolita Bombay.

(speaking in British accent) Hello.

Fancy meeting another Brit 'round these parts.

Oh.

Cheerio.

He's really British, like Idris Elba.

I've only been British an hour,

he's gonna see straight through my bangers and mash.

Pearl, you watched four seasons of

"Downton Abbey" in one night.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) You can do this.

Now, get back in there, governor.

(speaking in British accent) Oi.

Um...

What's a fine British bloke like yourself

doing in Atlantic City?

Looking for the likes of you, love.

Oh.

Well, God save Kate

and her balding husband, who's going to be king.

Yeah.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) Me girl get mad love, right?

(Miguel) That is possibly the worst French accent I ever heard.

It's a Jamaican accent!

No, it's not.

Deal me in.

I've traveled far

(speaking in Jamaican accent) What you doing here?

Okay, what's with the "Jamaican" accent?

I asked you first.

Oh, let me guess.

Gemini sent you here to make sure

I don't sleep with one of the blackjack dealers.

Well, too late.

I'm just playing.

Look, I am not Gemini's spy.

I'm his contractor, and Jersey is my turf.

I'm here with my boys for a bachelor party.

Whatever.

This is a large casino.

You do you and I'll do me.

Pearl, maybe I'll have better luck at the slots...

or anywhere you're not.

Hmm.

So what are you drinking?

Let me guess.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) Jamaican rum.

I'm buying.

- Really? - Yeah.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) Well, in that case,

I'll have your best bottle of champagne.

I forgot you have expensive taste.

And so does my alter ego, Stella St. James.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) I was born in Jamaica,

but I've seen the world.

Okay.

Am I just supposed to pretend that this is normal?

Just go with it.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) I'm a teacher.

And I'm exhausted from grading papers all week.

- Ohh. - Ahh!

- Thank you. - This will calm me nerves

and make you slightly less annoying.

Cheers, man.

Arriba, a bajo, al centro, pa' dentro.

What you said.

Just relax, man.

I can't.

What if it goes badly?

She may hate me.

- I should cancel. - No, no, no, no, no.

No cancel.

It's just a date.

It's not a date, but if it was,

how do you know if a girl likes you?

Ah, listen, son.

Women... they're simple.

They just want somebody strong to protect 'em.

So you just gotta man up.

That's all.

Ahh!

(speaking in Jamaican accent) So where is your bachelor party posse, man?

- In jail. - What?

Yeah, they went to a topless bar bottomless.

I'll get them out by Monday.

And you chose not to go because?

Because I don't like wasting my money

on frivolous things like strip clubs.

I'd rather gamble it away.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) I hear you, man.

How much longer are you gonna do that?

'Cause, you know,

you haven't been Jamaican in a half-hour.

Now you're just somewhere between

Yoda and the Hobbit.

If you could have an alter ego,

who would it be?

Pau Gasol.

Oh my God, you have to pick somebody that's not real.

Hey, that's my alter ego.

I didn't put rules on your crazy.

It's still random.

(speaking in Spanish accent) Or is it gangster, se?orita?

Could I please order a round of shots?

Tequila.

(laughing)

How's it going?

Ooh, I think Lolita Bombay puts out on the first date.

Mm-hmm, she seems like

a take-it-over-the-counter kinda girl.

Yeah.

Hey, can I get 100, please?

What's up?

Jerome?

Jerome Johnson?

Bob Evans from Nacogdoches High.

(whispering)

What up, my dude?!

- Man, it's been a minute. - I know, right?

So what you doing here, man?

- Just, uh, just chilling. - Uh-huh.

With my pretty lady. (gasping)

(speaking in British accent) Excuse me, my name is Lolita Bombay.

Who are you right now?

Girl, you know you had too much to drink.

This is my boo, Lolita Bombay.

She from England.

So English is her second language.

I know.

Lolita, this is Bob.

We played football together back in Texas.

Pssh!

You played football?

Yeah, baby, remember, I told you.

(speaking in British accent) Uh, no, you did not.

(clearing throat)

Is this bloke bothering you, love?

Bothering her? She's with me.

Is that right?

Oh, God.

(speaking in British accent) Unfortunately, yes.

But we're definitely going to be broken up by 9:00,

so call me.

Room 356.

(purring)

Fine, fine, fine.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

So what brings you here, Bob?

I'm in town for a plumber's convention.

Ah, all right.

You know I'm laying a lot of pipe.

You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying?

But don't... don't tell my wife.

Oh, I won't, I won't, I won't.

- Bitches be tripping, man. - Right?

They be tripping.

Man, dude, so where you've been hiding yourself?

(speaking in British accent) You mean besides the closet?

I moved to the city.

You know, Texas was too small a pond

- for my salamander... - Okay.

... so I moved here to be with my woman

and work on, uh, manly stuff, you know.

You know how it is, player?

Sure.

Just go with it.

(speaking in British accent) Oh, Jerome!

Like that, yeah.

Yeah, I got that.

Ready?

Watch.

Ooh!

Oh, wow, that was terrible.

Almost! I got...

(laughing)

You know...

Stella is way more fun than Zoe.

Yeah, Zoe's a "beyotch."

I know, right?

Why?

Um...

I don't know.

Maybe...

ending a 20-year relationship

and starting a business

and becoming a single mom was harder than she thought.

(speaking in Spanish accent) Look.

Obviously, I don't have those kind of problems.

Being a famous basketball player,

I lead the league in triple doubles.

I can do it all.

But when Miguel first started his business,

the dude was so broke,

he had to move back in with his mother.

Ahh...

Do you know what it's like

to hear a 68-year-old Latina woman doing Pilates?

Miguel still has night terrors.

(speaking in Jamaican accent) Well, he's all right now.

And Zoe is, too.

Yeah.

God, I'm sick of talking about them.

(speaking in Spanish accent) You know what their problem is?

They don't drink enough.

Pa' dentro, salud!

(slot machine ringing)

Jackpot, man!

Viva la santa!

Viva la santa!

Don't you have a Jacuzzi downstairs?

Yes.

I heard you got a divorce.

Yeah, Amir be talking too damn much.

But did he tell you that my son has a date tonight?

It's not a date!

It's a science project.

That may end with holding hands.

Sounds like a date to me.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you know anything about girls?

Well, I am one.

If someone likes you,

how would he let you know?

He would probably buy me a car.

Ooh, Dad, can I buy...

No, you may not.

Oh, man.

Oh, baby, it's okay.

Come here.

The guys I like are the ones that are comfortable

with being themselves.

How comfortable can I be?

I'm eight.

(intercom ringing)

Hello, Amir here.

Hey, Amir.

There is a Dani Rose here to see you.

Hi, Xavier.

Send her up.

I can't breathe!

Be cool, be cool.

You'll be all right.

Well...

... I'm gonna get on out of here.

- You want me to leave the towel? - Yeah.

I mean, no.

Wait, what were you wearing when you came in here?

Damn, I can't believe I moved out of this building?

You got kicked out, remember?

(speaking in British accent) On our first date, he took me to choir practice.

He has the voice of an angel.

Sing something, boo.

Maybe another time, baby.

Oh.

He's shy.

No, he wasn't shy back in the day.

Nah, see, there wasn't a filly back in Nacogdoches

that he didn't turn out.

We used to call your boy

"Take 'Em Home Jerome." "Take 'Em Home Jerome."

(laughing)

He has new nicknames here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, hey, me and some of the plumbers,

we got a table in the back.

Come on over, man, so we can catch up.

Oh, man, thanks, man,

but I don't want to leave the old ball and chain.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss it for the world!

See you later.

All right, man.

You take care.

- Cheerio! - All right.

What are you doing?

Call me old one more time.

All I'm asking is that you help me out.

- You have no idea what you've done. - You messed it up for me and that dude back there.

So it turns out Valent? does have a fake name.

It's Valent?!

Give me that!

You know, I really like

working on this potato with you.

Yeah?

Well, we're gonna get a bad grade

if we can't make it work.

Maybe I should have done this with Rob Gumtree.

So how are they doing?

Where the hell did you come from?

Heaven.

So I see he's into blondes.

Typical.

Ah, yeah, well, you know, private school.

What you gonna do?

Looks like they're doing a good job with the battery,

but X is striking out with the girl.

Please.

I can help with that.

So what's this?

Our science project.

I'm talking about her.

Huh?

What could you two possibly have in common?

I mean, we're both eight.

We have the same lunch period.

And we're sharing a potato.

All right, that's a lot.

I'll take that.

But you be good to him.

Wow.

Isn't she a supermodel?

Yeah.

Way too high maintenance.

Yes!

Hey.

Do you want to maybe be my partner for that book report?

Of course.

My man.

Smooth, just like his daddy.

Stop messing with me!

Get away from me.

That kiss you gave me was not gay,

it was hetero and it was hot.

Oh, honey, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm gayer than Neil Patrick Harris at...

Well, anything Neil Patrick Harris would attend.

You know, that's why I had to get out of Nacogdoches.

Growing up there was not it.

Being Jerome the football stud was not for me.

Though I was surprisingly good at it.

I still can't believe you played football.

Oh, I was heavier then.

I moved to New York and I gave up carbs

and vag.

You know, the football thing was not who I was or am.

I'm sorry, boo.

Oh, God, don't be.

To be living in New York

and working for the fabulous Zoe Moon...

to be living out loud and proud,

that has always been my dream.

Well, that and being inappropriately touched by Boris Kodjoe.

(laughing)

Yes, yes, yes.

There's my boo.

Come here.

Although I am gonna miss me some Jerome.

Oh, damn, he knew how to kiss.

Oh, honey, move on.

You're not even Jerome's type.

He likes Latino.

- Fine. - I know.

It's weird.

What is going on with the heat in here?

I had to turn off the A/C again

so my guys could run a new vent line.

Come on, Miguel, not today.

I have the head sales rep

- from Macy's coming in an hour. - Look, look, look.

I know you're under a lot of pressure,

I promise I will have the A/C back on by then.

And, uh...

I fixed the creaks in your drawers as well.

Thanks, pal.

Oh, by the way.

Here you go.

This is your share of our winnings.

O-M-G, balling.

Don't get too excited, now.

It's only $22.75.

Well, in my hood, this is a big chunk of change.

Thank you, Stella.

- You're welcome. - So don't let it change

(Zoe) It's funny how a change of scenery can change everything.

Like I said,

things don't always work out like you planned.

Ain't it strange?

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