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00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:01,418
JIMMY:
See, even the greatest writers
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00:00:01,453 --> 00:00:03,533
have been forced
to take the odd job.
3
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,593
- Hmm.
- Faulkner was a mailman.
4
00:00:05,626 --> 00:00:07,028
Kafka, a clerk!
5
00:00:07,060 --> 00:00:09,172
Now, as you have said,
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00:00:09,207 --> 00:00:11,788
the novelization market
is blowing up
7
00:00:11,823 --> 00:00:15,175
in a "ginormous" way.
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00:00:15,210 --> 00:00:18,039
So I have prepared
a list of films
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00:00:18,071 --> 00:00:21,609
that I would agree
to novelize for your company.
10
00:00:21,642 --> 00:00:23,515
The Seven Samurai,
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00:00:23,550 --> 00:00:25,262
The 400 Blows,
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00:00:25,297 --> 00:00:27,113
Thirty Two Short Films
about Glenn Gould...
13
00:00:27,148 --> 00:00:29,082
Uh, Jimmy, we're gonna
stop you right there.
14
00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,784
They don't all have
numbers in the title.
15
00:00:30,817 --> 00:00:33,887
We aren't the department
that handles film novelizations.
16
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,340
We're in charge of
literary cross-promotion
17
00:00:36,375 --> 00:00:38,926
for all entities owned
by our parent company...
18
00:00:38,959 --> 00:00:40,493
Burger Hole.
19
00:00:40,527 --> 00:00:42,236
What does that mean?
20
00:00:42,271 --> 00:00:45,123
We prioritize more
amorphous in-house ideas
21
00:00:45,158 --> 00:00:48,096
sparked by properties in
the Burger Hole multiverse
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00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,972
that have the most
mental real estate.
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00:00:50,007 --> 00:00:52,881
Uh, for instance, uh,
this just came in yesterday.
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00:00:52,916 --> 00:00:56,071
Uh, corporate was thinking
of something involving
25
00:00:56,106 --> 00:00:56,846
French fries?
26
00:00:56,881 --> 00:00:57,500
(chuckles)
27
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:59,505
Could be a "fish out
of water" thing.
28
00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:02,649
Or how about this new theme
park ride... the Dragonator?
29
00:01:02,683 --> 00:01:05,516
It's a dragon with a goddamn
roller coaster for a tail.
30
00:01:05,551 --> 00:01:06,810
(laughs)
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00:01:06,845 --> 00:01:08,749
Maybe he's a single dad.
32
00:01:08,784 --> 00:01:10,094
I don't know.
33
00:01:10,129 --> 00:01:11,759
You're the writer.
34
00:01:11,792 --> 00:01:14,596
Do you have anything
with an actual narrative?
35
00:01:14,631 --> 00:01:17,554
Uh, we do have
some TV projects
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00:01:17,589 --> 00:01:20,220
that are open
for literary pollination.
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00:01:20,255 --> 00:01:21,268
Um...
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00:01:21,301 --> 00:01:23,534
There's, uh, Bones,
39
00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:24,967
- Property Brothers,
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
40
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,567
The Slap.
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00:01:26,602 --> 00:01:28,873
There's Caught on Camera
with Nick Cannon,
42
00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:31,604
NCIS: LA,
Dog with a Blog...
43
00:01:31,639 --> 00:01:33,037
Sorry, NCIS: LA?!
44
00:01:33,072 --> 00:01:34,615
You're a fan?
45
00:01:34,647 --> 00:01:36,384
Heard of it.
46
00:01:36,417 --> 00:01:38,152
Oh, who am I kidding?
It's my favorite!
47
00:01:38,187 --> 00:01:39,953
Oh, great!
48
00:01:39,986 --> 00:01:41,962
We'll send start papers
and parameters,
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00:01:41,997 --> 00:01:45,014
but you will be imagineering
your own original story.
50
00:01:45,049 --> 00:01:46,693
What?!
51
00:01:46,727 --> 00:01:48,297
Here's a copy
of the show bible.
52
00:01:48,332 --> 00:01:50,663
Oh, do not need it!
53
00:01:50,697 --> 00:01:53,167
But I'll take it.
54
00:02:00,174 --> 00:02:03,573
I'm gonna leave you anyway
55
00:02:03,608 --> 00:02:06,084
I'm gonna leave you
anyway
56
00:02:06,119 --> 00:02:08,248
Gonna leave you anyway.
57
00:02:08,283 --> 00:02:13,035
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
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00:02:13,070 --> 00:02:14,969
Sam, I'm sure they meant
59
00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:18,441
"soft-ass poseur bitch"
in a meta way.
60
00:02:18,475 --> 00:02:20,409
You guys are in a fake fight!
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00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,403
Keyword... "fake."
62
00:02:22,438 --> 00:02:23,705
No, don't hang...
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00:02:23,740 --> 00:02:25,139
Goddamn it!
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00:02:25,174 --> 00:02:26,684
(indistinct chatter on TV)
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00:02:28,451 --> 00:02:31,087
Ooh, I love dumb procedurals.
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00:02:31,122 --> 00:02:32,271
Wash over me, garbage.
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00:02:32,306 --> 00:02:33,123
Numb my brain.
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00:02:33,156 --> 00:02:34,229
Make me feel nothing.
69
00:02:34,264 --> 00:02:36,230
Okay, that is elitism,
Gretchen.
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00:02:36,265 --> 00:02:39,121
Would you have dismissed
Dickens for being popular?
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00:02:39,156 --> 00:02:41,979
David Copperfield...
didn't even do any magic.
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00:02:42,014 --> 00:02:45,152
Ooh, ya burnt, Dickens!
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00:02:45,187 --> 00:02:46,925
Why are there so many
naval crimes, anyway?
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00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,571
EDGAR:
Oh, Navy's villains.
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00:02:48,605 --> 00:02:49,974
They're one degree from pirates.
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00:02:50,006 --> 00:02:51,107
Oh.
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00:02:51,141 --> 00:02:52,343
MAN (over television):
Looks like we need
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00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:53,743
to go discuss this
with the admiral.
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00:02:53,777 --> 00:02:54,845
(childlike voice):
Play with me.
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00:02:54,878 --> 00:02:55,825
Right!
81
00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:58,166
Shut up, both of you!
82
00:02:58,201 --> 00:03:00,100
All right?
This is my job now.
83
00:03:00,135 --> 00:03:02,619
It's your-your job?
84
00:03:02,653 --> 00:03:06,123
Jimmy... you're not
writing recaps, are you?
85
00:03:06,155 --> 00:03:07,384
Oh, Jimmy.
86
00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:08,800
Are you grading this episode?
87
00:03:08,835 --> 00:03:10,194
No!
88
00:03:10,226 --> 00:03:13,524
I am writing the official
novelization of the show.
89
00:03:13,559 --> 00:03:16,482
Wow! Seriously?
90
00:03:16,517 --> 00:03:18,368
I am super impressed.
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00:03:18,402 --> 00:03:19,687
Right. Everybody out,
92
00:03:19,722 --> 00:03:22,102
so I can work.
93
00:03:22,137 --> 00:03:23,374
Out!
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00:03:23,406 --> 00:03:24,541
Fine.
95
00:03:24,575 --> 00:03:26,575
- You, too.
- Oh, no problem.
96
00:03:26,610 --> 00:03:29,446
I've got to get
to my improv comedy class.
97
00:03:29,479 --> 00:03:31,781
And, yeah, I've been
waiting to tell you guys.
98
00:03:31,814 --> 00:03:33,544
It's this really cool
and exciting new thing
99
00:03:33,579 --> 00:03:34,851
I'm doing with my life.
100
00:03:36,253 --> 00:03:39,658
I'll tell you
more about it later.
101
00:03:39,693 --> 00:03:41,490
Bye, Jimmy.
102
00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:48,599
(door closes)
103
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,207
_
104
00:03:52,961 --> 00:03:54,964
(smooth jazz music playing)
105
00:04:12,422 --> 00:04:14,387
(line ringing)
106
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:18,139
- WOMAN: Hello?
- This is customer number 7532.
107
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:20,436
I don't know
how much time I have.
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00:04:20,471 --> 00:04:23,997
Send over one of the tall ones.
109
00:04:24,032 --> 00:04:25,970
Asian.
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00:04:32,975 --> 00:04:34,504
Oh, my God!
111
00:04:34,539 --> 00:04:35,845
What is this?!
112
00:04:35,879 --> 00:04:37,165
Why is this?!
113
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,439
I thought you'd gone.
114
00:04:38,474 --> 00:04:40,884
I forgot my fro-yo punch card.
115
00:04:40,917 --> 00:04:42,607
What is this, even?
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00:04:42,642 --> 00:04:44,355
None of your business!
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00:04:44,388 --> 00:04:45,956
Oh...
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00:04:45,989 --> 00:04:48,125
Erotic Tales?
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00:04:51,127 --> 00:04:53,937
"By Jimmy Shive-Overly,
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00:04:53,972 --> 00:04:55,766
age 11"?!
121
00:04:55,799 --> 00:04:57,001
Still holds up.
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00:04:58,401 --> 00:05:02,172
This is the most Jimmy
thing you have ever done.
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00:05:17,687 --> 00:05:20,690
(clears his throat)
124
00:05:22,458 --> 00:05:24,461
(smooth jazz playing)
125
00:05:30,579 --> 00:05:34,873
(all buzzing)
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00:05:34,908 --> 00:05:36,643
EDGAR:
Excuse me, sir?
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00:05:36,678 --> 00:05:38,046
You may be a dog,
128
00:05:38,081 --> 00:05:40,112
but that doesn't
make you handicapped.
129
00:05:40,147 --> 00:05:41,095
(laughter)
130
00:05:41,128 --> 00:05:42,443
And scene!
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00:05:42,478 --> 00:05:44,488
Great callback, Edgar.
132
00:05:44,523 --> 00:05:46,120
Awesome class, you guys.
133
00:05:46,155 --> 00:05:47,551
Good work.
134
00:05:47,586 --> 00:05:48,937
Good work.
135
00:05:48,969 --> 00:05:50,812
Oh, and hey, you guys.
136
00:05:50,847 --> 00:05:52,674
My group
"Hey, Put That Down Brian!"
137
00:05:52,707 --> 00:05:56,409
has a show tomorrow night,
so, you guys, please come.
138
00:05:56,444 --> 00:05:57,443
Just kidding,
don't come, don't come.
139
00:05:57,478 --> 00:05:58,112
I don't want you to come.
140
00:05:58,145 --> 00:05:59,380
Seriously, though,
if you don't come,
141
00:05:59,414 --> 00:06:00,787
I'll kill myself, so
142
00:06:00,822 --> 00:06:02,551
please come.
143
00:06:02,584 --> 00:06:05,287
Bye, guys!
Thank you.
144
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,519
Uh, so, so,
uh, Dorothy,
145
00:06:07,554 --> 00:06:08,747
you're in Brian?!
146
00:06:08,782 --> 00:06:10,191
I didn't know they had a girl.
147
00:06:10,224 --> 00:06:11,590
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
148
00:06:11,625 --> 00:06:12,873
The lone vulva.
149
00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:14,634
That's the team
with Tall Nathan, right?
150
00:06:14,669 --> 00:06:16,410
Yeah, and Kyle and Josh.
151
00:06:16,445 --> 00:06:16,952
You know them?
152
00:06:16,987 --> 00:06:18,867
Nah, I only met
Tall Nathan once.
153
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,003
But I'm a huge fan.
154
00:06:20,038 --> 00:06:22,323
In one scene he played a dude
155
00:06:22,358 --> 00:06:24,640
that doesn't understand sarcasm.
156
00:06:24,673 --> 00:06:26,675
So funny.
157
00:06:26,707 --> 00:06:29,410
Yeah.
158
00:06:29,443 --> 00:06:31,999
You want to help me
pick up the chairs?
159
00:06:32,034 --> 00:06:33,028
Absolutely.
160
00:06:33,063 --> 00:06:33,782
Cool.
161
00:06:37,284 --> 00:06:39,182
That's really great space work.
162
00:06:39,217 --> 00:06:41,418
Um, I meant the actual chairs.
163
00:06:41,453 --> 00:06:44,047
Ah, of course you did.
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00:06:44,082 --> 00:06:46,161
(quietly):
Stupid.
165
00:06:46,193 --> 00:06:47,603
LINDSAY:
How's work?
166
00:06:47,638 --> 00:06:50,246
Are you still in charge
of that fake rap feud?
167
00:06:50,281 --> 00:06:52,731
Ugh, it's gone completely
off the rails.
168
00:06:52,766 --> 00:06:53,594
Honey Nutz and Shitstain
169
00:06:53,629 --> 00:06:56,342
wrote a dis track about
how Sam has pepperoni nipples,
170
00:06:56,377 --> 00:06:59,841
so he told his fans to murder
them in World of Warcraft.
171
00:06:59,875 --> 00:07:01,850
- What have you been up to?
- Not a lot.
172
00:07:01,885 --> 00:07:04,577
Little of this,
little of that.
173
00:07:04,612 --> 00:07:05,681
Shot a condom full
174
00:07:05,714 --> 00:07:08,425
of piping hot semen into my vaj.
175
00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:09,979
How's the cake batter?
176
00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:11,252
First of all, are you okay?!
177
00:07:11,286 --> 00:07:12,534
I'm fine.
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00:07:12,569 --> 00:07:14,935
I mean, I won't be riding
a horse anytime soon.
179
00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:17,693
But I'm already banned
from the equestrian center.
180
00:07:17,726 --> 00:07:20,044
And secondly, what?!
Why?!
181
00:07:20,079 --> 00:07:22,323
I was just so upset about Paul.
182
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:23,698
And the idea
of him shoving
183
00:07:23,731 --> 00:07:27,268
his ding dong into that
beer cooze's hand-pussy.
184
00:07:27,301 --> 00:07:30,336
And Edgar's been so weird
and clingy lately.
185
00:07:30,371 --> 00:07:31,893
It's like I can't
think straight
186
00:07:31,928 --> 00:07:34,954
with these guys
clogging up my brain!
187
00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:40,234
GRETCHEN:
Seriously.
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00:07:40,269 --> 00:07:43,274
I spend all day dealing
with my dumb rapper babies.
189
00:07:43,309 --> 00:07:45,179
And when I get home,
there's Jimmy and Edgar.
190
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,589
And then the one chance I get
to sneak away for a quick hang
191
00:07:47,621 --> 00:07:48,926
with the Louise to my Thelma...
192
00:07:48,961 --> 00:07:49,570
Who are they?
193
00:07:49,605 --> 00:07:51,638
- And all we talk about is men!
- I know!
194
00:07:51,673 --> 00:07:54,896
We are complex women
with rich inner lives.
195
00:07:54,931 --> 00:07:56,465
For God's sakes,
let's act like it
196
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:57,835
and discuss something
other than dicks
197
00:07:57,870 --> 00:07:59,568
and the dildos
they hang off of.
198
00:07:59,601 --> 00:08:01,803
I'm in.
199
00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:08,076
So...
200
00:08:08,109 --> 00:08:10,412
So...
201
00:08:10,445 --> 00:08:12,481
(gasps)
I know.
202
00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:15,844
There was just this really
grody murder in Alabama
203
00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:18,260
where this woman thought
her kids were demons,
204
00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:20,631
so she drowned all eight
of them and dressed them up
205
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,090
like Victorian dolls.
206
00:08:22,122 --> 00:08:25,159
Ugh! Postpartum murders
are so basic.
207
00:08:25,193 --> 00:08:27,364
Maybe we can talk
about powerful women?
208
00:08:27,399 --> 00:08:29,778
(gasps) Like George Clooney's wife,
Amal Clooney?
209
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,661
She's both super accomplished
and absolutely stunning.
210
00:08:32,696 --> 00:08:33,535
She a'ight.
211
00:08:34,476 --> 00:08:36,513
I guess we can shit-talk
women we know.
212
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:38,842
- That's within the rules, right?
- Ooh, we can?!
213
00:08:38,877 --> 00:08:39,950
Like Becca?
214
00:08:39,985 --> 00:08:41,759
Ugh, that sausage wallet.
215
00:08:41,794 --> 00:08:43,460
- Sausage wallet?
- I hope
216
00:08:43,495 --> 00:08:46,535
she gets pregnancy 'rhoids
and they leave her bedridden,
217
00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:48,377
and I have
to raise her baby myself.
218
00:08:48,412 --> 00:08:50,062
I'd parent the
shit out of her.
219
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:53,034
"Wear that skirt.
Don't blow that boy.
220
00:08:53,069 --> 00:08:55,205
This is pizza!"
221
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,363
Time-out!
Who are we?
222
00:08:57,398 --> 00:08:58,382
We can't talk about men,
223
00:08:58,417 --> 00:09:00,462
so we're talking about babies,
living and dead?
224
00:09:00,495 --> 00:09:02,664
Weak sauce. We can do
better than this!
225
00:09:02,697 --> 00:09:04,164
Oh, you're right.
226
00:09:04,199 --> 00:09:08,003
Men have ruined our damn minds!
227
00:09:11,206 --> 00:09:13,416
Tomorrow we'll meet up
for breakfast
228
00:09:13,451 --> 00:09:16,296
with prepared lists
of interesting, non-dude topics.
229
00:09:16,331 --> 00:09:17,279
Yes!
230
00:09:18,905 --> 00:09:20,965
This is feminism, right?
231
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,750
Yes, it is.
232
00:09:22,784 --> 00:09:24,352
(punching card)
233
00:09:33,528 --> 00:09:36,431
You guys can't come in here
anymore.
234
00:09:36,463 --> 00:09:37,922
EDGAR:
Morning.
235
00:09:37,957 --> 00:09:39,654
- How's it going?
- Not great.
236
00:09:39,689 --> 00:09:43,267
There are so many moving
parts to the NCIS universe.
237
00:09:43,302 --> 00:09:44,932
It's quite
daunting, really.
238
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:48,765
(Edgar laughs)
239
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,638
I'm sorry.
240
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:50,917
I was thinking
about something funny
241
00:09:50,952 --> 00:09:52,576
that happened in improv class.
242
00:09:52,611 --> 00:09:55,852
We were all driving cars,
and I said, "Excuse me, sir,
243
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:58,225
you may be a dog, but you're not
handicapped, are you?"
244
00:09:58,260 --> 00:10:00,370
(laughs)
245
00:10:00,405 --> 00:10:02,690
It was a callback.
246
00:10:02,723 --> 00:10:04,292
If you're interested
in watching some,
247
00:10:04,326 --> 00:10:06,051
I stuck the calendar
on the fridge.
248
00:10:06,086 --> 00:10:09,113
In fact, I'm going to my teacher
Dorothy's show tonight.
249
00:10:09,148 --> 00:10:11,007
- She's in "Hey, Put That Down Brian!"
- Ah.
250
00:10:11,042 --> 00:10:14,680
- You should come.
- Oh, that sounds really, really fun,
251
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,192
but you know what I
think I'd rather do?
252
00:10:16,227 --> 00:10:18,272
- Hmm?
- Stab myself in the bowels.
253
00:10:18,305 --> 00:10:20,021
- Okay.
- Do you know what I'd rather experience
254
00:10:20,056 --> 00:10:21,973
than long-form improv?
255
00:10:22,008 --> 00:10:23,477
Long-form bone cancer.
256
00:10:23,510 --> 00:10:24,780
- Point taken.
- No, I don't think it is.
257
00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:28,544
See, you just described an
improvised comedy scene to me.
258
00:10:28,579 --> 00:10:29,650
That's worse than
telling someone
259
00:10:29,683 --> 00:10:32,590
about a dream that
doesn't feature them sexually.
260
00:10:32,625 --> 00:10:34,771
I mean, you've had some
awful, awful hobbies,
261
00:10:34,806 --> 00:10:36,099
but this is by far the worst.
262
00:10:36,134 --> 00:10:37,866
And I'm including heroin
263
00:10:37,901 --> 00:10:39,593
and not knowing things
are a school.
264
00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:42,197
I didn't know it was a school.
265
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,002
(sighs)
266
00:10:47,034 --> 00:10:48,669
(door bells tinkle)
267
00:10:48,702 --> 00:10:52,080
All right, Lindsers,
I have here a list of things
268
00:10:52,115 --> 00:10:56,000
to talk about, none of which
involve stupid men.
269
00:10:56,035 --> 00:10:58,113
First off, "Our mothers
and how their pathology
270
00:10:58,145 --> 00:11:00,015
messed us up."
Maybe it's all their fault.
271
00:11:00,048 --> 00:11:01,316
Yeah. Sure.
272
00:11:01,348 --> 00:11:04,230
But what about "Icees."
273
00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:06,886
Icees? Oh, I don't think
they have those here.
274
00:11:06,921 --> 00:11:09,440
I'm talking about
the Islamic State, Gretch.
275
00:11:09,475 --> 00:11:11,787
They formed their
own "cellophane."
276
00:11:11,822 --> 00:11:14,462
Do you think Obama has a
strategy to neutralize them,
277
00:11:14,496 --> 00:11:18,442
or will O-Bummer betray America
like he did with Benghazi?
278
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,700
What the hell's going on?
279
00:11:20,735 --> 00:11:22,531
You told me not to
think about dicks,
280
00:11:22,566 --> 00:11:24,077
so my brain
got real bored
281
00:11:24,112 --> 00:11:25,795
and I started reading
these Web sites,
282
00:11:25,830 --> 00:11:27,109
and then some
other Web sites
283
00:11:27,141 --> 00:11:28,815
that disagreed with
the first Web sites.
284
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:32,544
(gasps) Did you know
about global warming?
285
00:11:32,579 --> 00:11:34,742
It's a huge threat,
but at the same time
286
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,175
is made up by a bunch
of socialist lib-tards.
287
00:11:37,210 --> 00:11:39,127
My question is,
who benefits?
288
00:11:39,162 --> 00:11:40,888
You have to follow
the money, Gretch.
289
00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:42,719
Big oil, the Middle East.
290
00:11:42,754 --> 00:11:43,992
(snaps fingers)
Benghazi!
291
00:11:44,027 --> 00:11:45,349
I don't want to talk
about Benghazi.
292
00:11:45,384 --> 00:11:48,022
Nobody does!
And the Koch brothers?
293
00:11:48,057 --> 00:11:51,086
For some great patriots
dedicated to upholding the Constitution...
294
00:11:51,121 --> 00:11:51,904
_
295
00:11:51,939 --> 00:11:53,166
_
296
00:11:53,749 --> 00:11:54,730
_
297
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:56,933
_
298
00:11:58,356 --> 00:11:59,576
_
299
00:12:01,943 --> 00:12:03,459
Chapter 13.
300
00:12:03,494 --> 00:12:06,067
Our heroes race
to stop Chechen terrorists
301
00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:08,112
from blowing the H...
302
00:12:08,147 --> 00:12:09,828
off the Hollywood sign.
303
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,485
But oh, no.
304
00:12:11,519 --> 00:12:13,267
There's an ambush.
305
00:12:13,302 --> 00:12:15,901
They've been double-crossed.
306
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:17,425
Well?
307
00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:18,828
I'm not sure it tracks.
308
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,544
I know it doesn't,
goddamn it!
309
00:12:20,579 --> 00:12:22,081
Can I go back to school?
My mom says
310
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,466
I'm the man of the house now and
that I have to get an education.
311
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,473
Sorry, when I gave you
that sleeve of Pop-Tarts,
312
00:12:26,508 --> 00:12:29,429
was that for your help
or your biography?
313
00:12:31,206 --> 00:12:33,341
(groans)
314
00:12:33,374 --> 00:12:34,697
(phone rings)
315
00:12:34,732 --> 00:12:36,908
Jimmy! How's it coming?
316
00:12:36,943 --> 00:12:39,690
I'm sorry, Female Executive,
I can't do it.
317
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:41,215
I'm a fraud of a writer.
318
00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:41,874
Can't I just write
319
00:12:41,909 --> 00:12:43,464
- the roller coaster book?
- We already
320
00:12:43,499 --> 00:12:45,005
gave that to Neil Gaiman.
321
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,621
Jimmy, just take a break.
322
00:12:46,654 --> 00:12:48,018
Walk away from the proj...
323
00:12:48,053 --> 00:12:50,025
(beep)
324
00:12:50,058 --> 00:12:52,561
(heavy sigh)
325
00:12:52,595 --> 00:12:54,461
_
326
00:12:54,496 --> 00:12:57,031
327
00:12:57,064 --> 00:12:58,304
(audience laughter)
328
00:12:58,339 --> 00:13:00,489
Honey, I'm home!
What's for dinner?
329
00:13:00,524 --> 00:13:01,569
Aw, Mom,
330
00:13:01,602 --> 00:13:03,371
carrots again?
331
00:13:03,404 --> 00:13:05,707
(laughter)
332
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:09,144
Hey. So glad
you decided to come watch.
333
00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:11,461
Actually,
I just came to remind myself
334
00:13:11,496 --> 00:13:13,316
that I am a good writer.
335
00:13:13,351 --> 00:13:15,332
When they ask for a suggestion,
336
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,465
I'm gonna yell out
one of my classic heckles.
337
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:18,785
"I have a suggestion.
338
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:20,627
"Instead of improvising
your show,
339
00:13:20,662 --> 00:13:22,096
"try the written word,
340
00:13:22,131 --> 00:13:25,088
invented by the Mesopotamians
in 3200 BC."
341
00:13:25,123 --> 00:13:25,908
Shh!
342
00:13:25,943 --> 00:13:28,262
You shush! How dare you?
Watch the show!
343
00:13:29,681 --> 00:13:33,037
Hey, lady!
Give me those carrots.
344
00:13:33,072 --> 00:13:34,564
Don't kill me.
Take the carrots.
345
00:13:34,599 --> 00:13:36,165
- Take all the carrots.
- Yeah!
346
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,965
- That's a lot of carrots.
- Ha-ha-ha!
347
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,456
MAN: Uh, sir, we've been getting
complaints from customers
348
00:13:40,491 --> 00:13:41,910
at the health food store.
349
00:13:41,945 --> 00:13:44,535
I told you I wasn't good
with organic food
350
00:13:44,570 --> 00:13:45,775
when you hired me!
351
00:13:45,810 --> 00:13:47,616
And we flash back
to the day he was hired.
352
00:13:48,616 --> 00:13:50,776
Now, how are you
353
00:13:50,811 --> 00:13:52,338
with organic food?
354
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:53,355
Not good.
355
00:13:53,388 --> 00:13:54,964
I'm gonna go
with my gut on this.
356
00:13:54,999 --> 00:13:58,760
Your gut should be trusted...
it's a good gentleman, sir.
357
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:01,147
All right, we have
a clean-up in organic foods.
358
00:14:02,334 --> 00:14:05,044
But, Councilman,
vaccines are really important,
359
00:14:05,079 --> 00:14:07,630
but they're also
really, really bad.
360
00:14:07,665 --> 00:14:09,773
They're transferring me
to the state capitol.
361
00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:10,517
Local government
362
00:14:10,552 --> 00:14:12,100
is such a joke.
363
00:14:12,135 --> 00:14:13,425
Thanks, O-Blunder.
364
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:16,097
Oh... oh, no...
365
00:14:16,132 --> 00:14:17,988
- What?
- Oh, nothing. You don't want to see this.
366
00:14:18,021 --> 00:14:19,837
Is this about
the Keystone Xbox pipeline?
367
00:14:19,872 --> 00:14:21,985
'Cause that'll
just make me madder.
368
00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:23,969
I found this last night.
369
00:14:24,004 --> 00:14:25,620
It's Paul and Amy
at the Coliseum.
370
00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:26,337
Amy's onstage
371
00:14:26,372 --> 00:14:29,633
at some concert.
372
00:14:29,666 --> 00:14:31,836
Amy is interpreting...
373
00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:34,172
for Beyonc??!
374
00:14:34,204 --> 00:14:36,775
She is finger-singing Beyonc?!
375
00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:39,402
- RECEPTIONIST: Senator Pelosi's office.
- Stop calling me!
376
00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:41,666
- Ma'am, you called us.
- (beep)
377
00:14:41,701 --> 00:14:43,982
Men are mean and
they hurt my brain.
378
00:14:48,953 --> 00:14:50,905
I need wine.
379
00:14:50,940 --> 00:14:53,358
Aw, come here, dum-dum.
380
00:14:53,391 --> 00:14:54,793
(sighs)
381
00:14:54,825 --> 00:14:58,640
Let's watch some garbage TV
and get our minds off of it.
382
00:14:58,675 --> 00:15:00,768
Which one of the Real Housewives
are the stupidest?
383
00:15:00,803 --> 00:15:02,033
All of them.
384
00:15:02,065 --> 00:15:03,701
'Cause they're wives.
385
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:05,079
ANNOUNCER: Who doesn't deserve
a tasty treat...
386
00:15:05,114 --> 00:15:08,205
But really, it's New Jersey.
387
00:15:08,238 --> 00:15:09,473
JIMMY: How'd you come up
with the carrots thing?
388
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:12,567
MAN: Well, we were talking about
supermarkets, so obviously
389
00:15:12,602 --> 00:15:15,452
- carrots came to mind.
- The connections you made out there
390
00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:17,707
were just... mind-blowing.
391
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:19,016
Oh, thanks.
392
00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,587
Yeah, I also do Sketchthon,
393
00:15:20,622 --> 00:15:23,010
where we write and perform
12 sketches in 12 hours.
394
00:15:23,045 --> 00:15:24,222
Oh. Why do you do that?
395
00:15:24,255 --> 00:15:26,057
Well, I...
396
00:15:26,089 --> 00:15:27,525
I don't know.
397
00:15:28,559 --> 00:15:30,295
Hey, say...
398
00:15:30,328 --> 00:15:31,730
what do you think
of Dorothy?
399
00:15:31,762 --> 00:15:33,230
You have nothing to offer her.
400
00:15:33,264 --> 00:15:35,081
Jimmy...
I'm being realistic, mate.
401
00:15:35,116 --> 00:15:36,635
You just started.
402
00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:39,905
These guys are
at the absolute top of their game.
403
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:42,721
Tall Nathan's just done
improv on a cruise ship.
404
00:15:42,756 --> 00:15:45,103
Kyle's been
to Greg Proops's condo!
405
00:15:45,138 --> 00:15:46,589
Oh, you're right.
406
00:15:46,624 --> 00:15:48,531
I haven't done
anything with my life.
407
00:15:48,566 --> 00:15:50,479
I went straight from
high school to the army,
408
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,016
then straight to Iraq,
and I didn't even get
409
00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:54,482
to see the cool
parts of Iraq.
410
00:15:54,517 --> 00:15:57,767
I was in Fallujah, which is
basically their San Diego.
411
00:15:57,802 --> 00:15:59,348
I'm referring to myself, too.
412
00:15:59,383 --> 00:16:02,247
I'm a one-not-really-
a-hit wonder.
413
00:16:02,282 --> 00:16:04,734
I mean, how can I write
when there are people
414
00:16:04,769 --> 00:16:06,655
this brimming with talent
out there?
415
00:16:06,690 --> 00:16:09,833
You and I, we are
just visitors in this world.
416
00:16:09,867 --> 00:16:11,944
We'll pass through
like shadows,
417
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:14,939
and when we die...
no one will care.
418
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,275
Oh, look!
It's the chubby kid
419
00:16:18,309 --> 00:16:21,101
from the LensCrafters
commercials.
420
00:16:21,136 --> 00:16:22,316
MAN: That's why I stopped
drinking sodas,
421
00:16:22,351 --> 00:16:23,379
for the most part.
422
00:16:23,414 --> 00:16:25,014
Hey, Edgar.
423
00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:27,114
Tall Nathan, this is Edgar...
he's in my class.
424
00:16:27,149 --> 00:16:27,889
Oh, yeah!
425
00:16:27,924 --> 00:16:29,131
Wait, what do I know you from?
426
00:16:29,166 --> 00:16:30,901
Uh, no-nowhere cool.
427
00:16:30,936 --> 00:16:33,190
Y-You just came and volunteered
with my veterans' group.
428
00:16:33,223 --> 00:16:36,260
(chuckles):
Oh, yeah! That was a lot of fun.
429
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,664
You guys really like gay jokes.
430
00:16:38,699 --> 00:16:40,371
I didn't know you
were a veteran.
431
00:16:40,406 --> 00:16:42,300
I did a couple tours in Iraq.
432
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:44,660
(scoffs)
Dumb.
433
00:16:44,695 --> 00:16:45,761
Whoa.
434
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:47,905
Were you... in the shit?
435
00:16:48,338 --> 00:16:50,308
Yeah.
436
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:53,033
I guess you could say
I was in the shit.
437
00:16:53,068 --> 00:16:54,044
Speaking of...
438
00:16:54,078 --> 00:16:56,103
being in shit, uh,
did I tell you about the time
439
00:16:56,138 --> 00:16:57,072
the toilets broke
440
00:16:57,107 --> 00:16:59,651
- on that improv cruise?
- Get us a couple beers.
441
00:17:01,019 --> 00:17:02,654
(exhales)
442
00:17:02,686 --> 00:17:03,821
(clears throat)
443
00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:05,089
That's incredible.
444
00:17:05,123 --> 00:17:07,730
So... what was it like?
445
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:09,380
I mean, unless you'd
rather not talk about it.
446
00:17:09,415 --> 00:17:11,663
Oh, no, no. Uh...
447
00:17:11,695 --> 00:17:14,508
What do you want to know?
448
00:17:14,543 --> 00:17:15,701
Everything.
449
00:17:17,822 --> 00:17:20,985
Are you sure you didn't write
those jokes beforehand?
450
00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:21,531
Nope.
451
00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:22,657
You don't have an algorithm
452
00:17:22,692 --> 00:17:25,313
that changes your scenes based
on the audience suggestion?
453
00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:27,861
It's all just...
completely original?
454
00:17:27,896 --> 00:17:30,561
Yeah, I guess you could say
that, yeah. Why? What do you do?
455
00:17:30,596 --> 00:17:32,189
Oh.
456
00:17:32,224 --> 00:17:33,318
I'm a novelist.
457
00:17:33,350 --> 00:17:35,010
- Mm.
- In fact, I came here tonight
458
00:17:35,045 --> 00:17:36,975
with a written list of heckles.
459
00:17:37,010 --> 00:17:39,313
(chuckles): Really? All right,
what were some of them?
460
00:17:39,348 --> 00:17:41,669
Oh. Um...
461
00:17:41,704 --> 00:17:43,394
Ah, this one's good.
462
00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:47,777
"Instead of improv comedy,
why don't you kill yourselves
463
00:17:47,812 --> 00:17:50,267
and improve comedy?"
464
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:51,435
- (fake chuckle)
- Mm.
465
00:17:51,469 --> 00:17:53,357
- Mm-hmm.
- You don't like it.
466
00:17:53,392 --> 00:17:55,671
You want to...
end the heckle
467
00:17:55,706 --> 00:17:58,844
with the meanest
part of the joke.
468
00:18:01,913 --> 00:18:04,883
"Improve comedy...
469
00:18:04,915 --> 00:18:06,585
kill yourselves."
470
00:18:08,819 --> 00:18:11,070
That's really good.
471
00:18:14,905 --> 00:18:16,461
Hmm? Unicorn.
472
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:17,664
(groans)
473
00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:19,573
Hey, Jimmy.
474
00:18:19,608 --> 00:18:21,378
I was dreaming about a unicorn.
475
00:18:21,413 --> 00:18:22,901
- How you doing?
- Terribly.
476
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,155
I met some artists
who fully exposed
477
00:18:25,190 --> 00:18:27,277
the depths of my own hackery.
478
00:18:27,312 --> 00:18:30,209
Sorry, Gretchen, I have to go
throw myself off the Hollywood sign.
479
00:18:30,244 --> 00:18:33,157
Nice knowing you.
480
00:18:33,192 --> 00:18:34,813
What are you hiding
under there?
481
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:39,052
You're reading my erotic tales?
482
00:18:39,087 --> 00:18:40,986
And after you teased me
about them relentlessly?
483
00:18:41,018 --> 00:18:43,110
No! Yes.
484
00:18:43,145 --> 00:18:45,226
Well... what do you think?
485
00:18:45,261 --> 00:18:47,251
Jimmy...
486
00:18:47,286 --> 00:18:48,831
they're hella hot!
487
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,135
They are, aren't they?!
And to think that I've
488
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:55,182
been interviewing with authors
and novelizing TV shows...
489
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:58,501
albeit great ones... while
the world awaits my second book.
490
00:18:58,536 --> 00:19:01,472
- Who am I to deny them?
- Who are you?
491
00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:04,306
And I finally know
what it should be.
492
00:19:04,341 --> 00:19:06,407
I'm gonna give the world
what I've been preparing for
493
00:19:06,442 --> 00:19:08,123
since I was 11:
494
00:19:08,158 --> 00:19:10,394
the first truly
literary erotic novel
495
00:19:10,429 --> 00:19:11,922
since Portnoy's Complaint.
496
00:19:11,957 --> 00:19:14,352
I'd jerk off to it.
In fact...
497
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,207
why don't you...
498
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:17,989
read me a little bit
of the chapter
499
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:19,480
- in the barn.
- Ah...
500
00:19:19,515 --> 00:19:21,928
that's one of my
favorites as well.
501
00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:25,965
- (click)
- (clears throat)
502
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,557
- (low, steady buzzing)
- "Wallenda bathed herself in milk.
503
00:19:30,592 --> 00:19:32,876
- (buzzing continues)
- "'Aye,' the Baker Boy thought,
504
00:19:32,911 --> 00:19:35,251
"tis a fine meal I'd
make of this one.'"
505
00:19:35,286 --> 00:19:36,508
Oh, yeah, that's good.
506
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:38,088
- (click)
- (buzzing rises in pitch)
507
00:19:38,123 --> 00:19:42,081
"He averted his eyes, his
manhood stiff and trembling
508
00:19:42,116 --> 00:19:43,514
"beneath his breeches.
509
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,749
"Wallenda cried out, 'No!
510
00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:49,657
"'Don't you dare look away,
you naughty Baker Boy.
511
00:19:49,692 --> 00:19:52,891
- (buzzing rises in pitch)
- "'Take in the wholeness of my nudity!'
512
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:54,443
- (click)
- And he did."
513
00:19:54,478 --> 00:19:56,728
(buzzing rises in pitch)
514
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:00,399
515
00:20:00,431 --> 00:20:03,384
WOMAN (on TV):
In Arizona, cactus are sacred.
516
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:06,001
If you steal one,
you're going to prison.
517
00:20:06,036 --> 00:20:07,784
But if you mess
with someone's heart,
518
00:20:07,819 --> 00:20:09,771
there's nothing anyone
can do about it,
519
00:20:09,806 --> 00:20:11,188
except me.
520
00:20:11,223 --> 00:20:12,755
My name is Sandra Hope,
521
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:15,091
and I run Mate Check
Private Investigations
522
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:16,840
with my boyfriend, Tom.
523
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:17,896
TOM:
Mate Check. Can I help you?
524
00:20:17,931 --> 00:20:20,546
So, then, tomorrow night, I'm
sitting in with this group from Chicago,
525
00:20:20,581 --> 00:20:22,371
Michael Jordan's
Gambling Debt.
526
00:20:22,406 --> 00:20:23,775
I'll check it out.
527
00:20:24,642 --> 00:20:27,717
Uh, so, uh, Teach...
528
00:20:27,752 --> 00:20:28,835
buy you a drink?
529
00:20:28,870 --> 00:20:30,740
Sure. I'll have
what you're having.
530
00:20:30,775 --> 00:20:32,778
(phone buzzing)
531
00:20:36,473 --> 00:20:41,664
_
532
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:45,285
_
533
00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:53,785
WOMAN (on TV): Well, Nana,
you need to, like, you need
534
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,150
to party up a little bit.
535
00:20:55,185 --> 00:20:57,645
HOPE: Xanadu's the youngest,
and a good girl.
536
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:02,828
(sighs)
537
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:06,365
538
00:21:26,517 --> 00:21:28,688
539
00:21:34,433 --> 00:21:37,357
Come and watch
a curtain rise
540
00:21:37,392 --> 00:21:41,298
Just in time for us to hide
541
00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:42,157
Do you wanna
542
00:21:42,192 --> 00:21:44,255
See my ghost?
543
00:21:44,290 --> 00:21:48,190
Picking up
the old boy's slack
544
00:21:48,225 --> 00:21:51,110
Only can we go so far
545
00:21:51,142 --> 00:21:58,505
Take a bow and raise a glass,
oh...
546
00:21:59,049 --> 00:22:02,863
Hold it right there
547
00:22:02,898 --> 00:22:06,725
Do you want to keep me
on the line?
548
00:22:06,757 --> 00:22:10,685
Hold it right there
549
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,042
Caught the o...
550
00:22:12,077 --> 00:22:17,077
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
551
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:21,677
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38447
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