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1
00:00:04,484 --> 00:00:06,494
GRETCHEN:
Ooh, that smells good.
2
00:00:06,579 --> 00:00:07,522
I'm starving.
3
00:00:07,557 --> 00:00:09,219
Actually, this isn't for you.
4
00:00:09,254 --> 00:00:11,656
I made you guys...
5
00:00:11,691 --> 00:00:13,650
something else.
6
00:00:15,707 --> 00:00:17,223
Scrambled eggs?
7
00:00:17,258 --> 00:00:19,986
A dish so pedestrian
its name is the recipe?
8
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,405
Yeah, what's the other thing?
I want that.
9
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,798
Oh, this? (scoffs)
This is nothing.
10
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:26,347
Just something I'm throwing
together for my veterans group.
11
00:00:27,934 --> 00:00:29,683
This is breakfast lasagna.
12
00:00:29,769 --> 00:00:31,454
That's Lindsay's
favorite dish.
13
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:34,300
You don't have to lie
about your feelings for her.
14
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,245
- Really?
- Shit yeah.
15
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:36,473
We're really invested in this.
16
00:00:36,508 --> 00:00:37,936
We want this to happen.
17
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,860
- Aw, thanks, guys.
- 'Cause whatever happens,
18
00:00:39,946 --> 00:00:41,180
it's gonna be hilarious.
19
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:42,662
This is like TV for us.
20
00:00:42,697 --> 00:00:44,268
Either they'll be banging
like zoo monkeys
21
00:00:44,303 --> 00:00:46,181
or... even better...
she rejects him.
22
00:00:46,216 --> 00:00:48,048
- All right, guys.
- What if they got married?
23
00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:50,106
Then he'd be married
to Lindsay.
24
00:00:50,141 --> 00:00:50,781
I think I've got it.
25
00:00:50,816 --> 00:00:52,718
Oh, my God, their kids
are gonna be so dumb.
26
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:55,329
They'll be like,
"Hey, let's order some heroin."
27
00:00:55,364 --> 00:00:56,725
"H-How do you use a phone?"
28
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,260
(laughs)
29
00:01:00,516 --> 00:01:02,115
So what do you do today?
30
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:04,176
Well, my agent called.
31
00:01:04,211 --> 00:01:07,638
I have a meeting with
Jonathan R. Strasburg.
32
00:01:08,593 --> 00:01:11,394
Author of Brunching
with Vagabonds.
33
00:01:12,378 --> 00:01:14,104
The Milkweed of July?
34
00:01:14,139 --> 00:01:15,651
In Keeping with Clem?
35
00:01:15,686 --> 00:01:16,647
So what's the meeting for?
36
00:01:16,732 --> 00:01:17,769
Well, why would any author
37
00:01:17,804 --> 00:01:20,563
want to meet with
another author?
38
00:01:20,598 --> 00:01:22,068
'Cause they admire their work.
39
00:01:22,103 --> 00:01:23,235
He liked your book?
40
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:25,003
Yeah, a lot of people
liked my book.
41
00:01:25,038 --> 00:01:26,690
You've seen the review.
42
00:01:27,438 --> 00:01:30,156
The thing on the wall
where you live.
43
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,530
You walk by it
every day.
44
00:01:32,565 --> 00:01:34,060
Oh, you really put in
the bare minimum effort
45
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,225
being a girlfriend, don't you?
46
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:36,801
Work smart, not hard, Jimmy.
47
00:01:36,836 --> 00:01:38,260
Anyway, he's looking
for someone
48
00:01:38,295 --> 00:01:40,394
to help him on his new project.
49
00:01:40,429 --> 00:01:41,844
Shouldn't you be
working on your own book?
50
00:01:41,879 --> 00:01:42,476
Yeah, I am.
51
00:01:42,511 --> 00:01:44,919
But not all of us have
the luxury of just paying rent
52
00:01:44,954 --> 00:01:47,845
whenever we feel like it or,
say, not at all.
53
00:01:47,897 --> 00:01:49,955
Why would I pay you rent?
It's your house.
54
00:01:49,990 --> 00:01:51,671
Your ability to bend semantics
55
00:01:51,706 --> 00:01:55,020
to best fit your financial
interests is quite impressive.
56
00:01:55,055 --> 00:01:56,798
I'm all about that paper.
57
00:01:56,833 --> 00:02:00,049
I got to go.
Check in later?
58
00:02:00,084 --> 00:02:01,492
Sorry, check in?
59
00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:03,641
I didn't mean it like that...
Never mind.
60
00:02:03,676 --> 00:02:05,689
Oh, I must know
what Gretchen's doing.
61
00:02:05,724 --> 00:02:07,881
I haven't spoken to her
in minutes.
62
00:02:07,916 --> 00:02:09,727
- Shut up.
- Hey!
63
00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:10,645
Just checking in.
64
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:11,925
I was out of your
sight briefly.
65
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,127
I'll, uh, text you again
at the end of the driveway.
66
00:02:14,162 --> 00:02:15,649
Jesus Christ.
67
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:23,714
I'm gonna leave you anyway
68
00:02:23,766 --> 00:02:26,196
I'm gonna leave you
anyway
69
00:02:26,231 --> 00:02:28,652
Gonna leave you anyway.
70
00:02:28,687 --> 00:02:33,353
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
71
00:02:33,388 --> 00:02:35,472
(woman speaking French)
72
00:02:37,863 --> 00:02:41,615
It's hard to explain to someone
who hasn't and probably won't
73
00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:45,986
experience it, but, oh, Lindsay,
pregnancy is so magical.
74
00:02:46,021 --> 00:02:47,235
I mean,
my skin is glowing.
75
00:02:47,270 --> 00:02:49,384
My nails
are so strong,
76
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:52,743
and... I just have
this deep inner well
77
00:02:52,828 --> 00:02:55,493
of peace and tranquility.
78
00:02:55,528 --> 00:02:56,695
Vernon, you idiot.
79
00:02:56,730 --> 00:02:58,600
Do you really want the baby
to inhale those fumes?
80
00:02:58,635 --> 00:03:00,897
Use your brain. God!
81
00:03:00,932 --> 00:03:04,138
Anyway, I am so glad I could
loan my husband out to you.
82
00:03:04,173 --> 00:03:06,084
Must be so hard
not having a man around.
83
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:09,468
I don't know. I just don't want
to be one of those girls
84
00:03:09,503 --> 00:03:12,303
who settles for some doofus
frat boy just because
85
00:03:12,338 --> 00:03:13,671
their butt's starting to sag
86
00:03:13,706 --> 00:03:17,322
and their upper arms chunk out.
87
00:03:17,357 --> 00:03:19,114
Anyway,
I got a sign
88
00:03:19,149 --> 00:03:21,476
that my Paulywog still
has feelings for me.
89
00:03:21,511 --> 00:03:23,294
VERNON: Yo, can I get
this popcorn catalogue?
90
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,594
Which says a
lot, considering
91
00:03:24,629 --> 00:03:26,315
he's with someone
as great as Amy.
92
00:03:26,350 --> 00:03:27,695
- She a'ight.
- (scoffs)
93
00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:29,863
What does the clerk's office
want with you?
94
00:03:29,898 --> 00:03:32,369
Ooh, honey, did you
patent an invention?
95
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:35,252
Right?
96
00:03:38,671 --> 00:03:40,009
Holy shit,
97
00:03:40,044 --> 00:03:41,831
that nerd's
'vorcin' you.
98
00:03:41,866 --> 00:03:43,982
Nice, Paul
grew some balls.
99
00:03:44,017 --> 00:03:45,763
You got served,
100
00:03:45,798 --> 00:03:47,834
literally.
101
00:03:47,869 --> 00:03:49,725
All right, I'm gonna kick it
under that tree
102
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,380
and look at this
popcorn catalogue real quick.
103
00:03:54,330 --> 00:03:56,600
_
104
00:03:56,695 --> 00:04:00,972
_
105
00:04:01,717 --> 00:04:02,646
Hey, guys.
106
00:04:02,698 --> 00:04:04,881
- Where's Sam?
- (scoffs) Who knows?
107
00:04:04,916 --> 00:04:07,136
One day he's promoting
some new MMA fighter,
108
00:04:07,171 --> 00:04:10,036
the next he's opening up a
bespoke tailoring shop downtown.
109
00:04:10,071 --> 00:04:11,919
Last week, he didn't even
show up to the studio,
110
00:04:11,954 --> 00:04:13,706
so instead of letting
that time go to waste,
111
00:04:13,741 --> 00:04:15,211
we cut our own shit
to drop online.
112
00:04:15,246 --> 00:04:17,136
- Yeah.
- Okay.
113
00:04:17,171 --> 00:04:19,854
Well, you don't
just drop it online.
114
00:04:19,889 --> 00:04:21,740
We'll build some
word-of-mouth buzz,
115
00:04:21,775 --> 00:04:22,932
I'll leak it to Stereogum...
116
00:04:22,967 --> 00:04:25,066
Uh, we-we uploaded
it this morning.
117
00:04:25,101 --> 00:04:27,020
Yeah, we need you to
go let Sam know for us.
118
00:04:27,055 --> 00:04:28,722
He's gonna be so mad.
119
00:04:28,808 --> 00:04:29,643
Last time he was mad,
120
00:04:29,678 --> 00:04:30,841
he cried for a week.
121
00:04:30,893 --> 00:04:32,301
Then he burned down
my mom's tool shed.
122
00:04:32,371 --> 00:04:35,903
Now she's keeping all her rakes
in the kitchen like a chump.
123
00:04:36,732 --> 00:04:38,003
Fine.
124
00:04:38,038 --> 00:04:39,656
By the way, you guys
are now separate clients,
125
00:04:39,691 --> 00:04:42,015
so you will be billed
separately.
126
00:04:42,050 --> 00:04:44,488
But hey, you're paying
for the best in the business.
127
00:04:46,058 --> 00:04:47,157
(gasps)
128
00:04:49,452 --> 00:04:52,520
(classical music playing)
129
00:05:05,841 --> 00:05:08,415
_
130
00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:09,713
_
131
00:05:09,748 --> 00:05:12,381
OPEC price
manipulation.
132
00:05:13,244 --> 00:05:14,854
Putanesca!
133
00:05:14,889 --> 00:05:16,465
Hanging roller coasters.
134
00:05:16,535 --> 00:05:18,574
Rafael Nadal.
135
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:19,873
What do they all have in common?
136
00:05:19,908 --> 00:05:20,808
Um...
137
00:05:20,893 --> 00:05:22,677
Plutocracy.
138
00:05:22,712 --> 00:05:25,499
It's the father
of meta-modernism.
139
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,089
Just got off the phone
with Bill Maher.
140
00:05:27,124 --> 00:05:28,276
He was talking for,
like, a half hour,
141
00:05:28,311 --> 00:05:30,171
but I think I got the gist.
142
00:05:30,703 --> 00:05:32,202
Sit.
143
00:05:32,237 --> 00:05:35,524
(sucking teeth) Go. Sell me.
Tell me what you know about.
144
00:05:35,559 --> 00:05:37,050
Oh, okay.
Um...
145
00:05:37,085 --> 00:05:39,999
well, you won
the National Book Award in 2009.
146
00:05:40,034 --> 00:05:43,168
You were accepted to Harvard
but instead rode...
147
00:05:43,203 --> 00:05:45,753
sh-shipping containers
for three years,
148
00:05:45,788 --> 00:05:48,147
- and...
- Read.
149
00:05:52,879 --> 00:05:54,796
150
00:05:59,765 --> 00:06:01,122
Uh, F-sharp.
151
00:06:01,157 --> 00:06:04,774
Wow, I mean, it's-it's powerful.
Really vividly wrought.
152
00:06:04,809 --> 00:06:05,922
Critique me.
153
00:06:05,957 --> 00:06:07,572
Okay, uh,
well, the, um,
154
00:06:07,607 --> 00:06:09,039
image of the endless
Costco aisles
155
00:06:09,074 --> 00:06:12,128
seems somewhat
derivative of DeLillo.
156
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,837
Get out.
157
00:06:13,872 --> 00:06:14,798
I don't understand.
158
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,969
Get... the hell out!
159
00:06:17,004 --> 00:06:19,650
Jesus, fine.
Weirdo.
160
00:06:19,685 --> 00:06:21,251
Oh, calm down,
calm down, calm down.
161
00:06:21,286 --> 00:06:24,364
A guy tells you to leave, and
you mope away like Mike Torrez
162
00:06:24,399 --> 00:06:28,117
after he gave away that home run
to Bucky Dent in '78? Come on.
163
00:06:28,152 --> 00:06:30,588
(chuckles) Come on.
Let me take you to lunch.
164
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:32,643
- Oh. Okay.
- Great.
165
00:06:32,678 --> 00:06:35,632
You're driving. I'm on
a shit-ton of pills right now.
166
00:06:39,969 --> 00:06:43,051
I counted to ten,
and then I just said,
167
00:06:43,086 --> 00:06:45,889
"Cheryl, I will get those to you
168
00:06:45,974 --> 00:06:49,186
right after Derek's birthday
cake in the break room."
169
00:06:49,221 --> 00:06:50,332
And you know what?
170
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:51,227
She said, "Okay."
171
00:06:51,262 --> 00:06:53,029
Okay.
172
00:06:54,266 --> 00:06:57,458
Uh, okay, uh, Edgar,
why don't you share with us?
173
00:06:57,493 --> 00:06:59,152
What happened
with the mystery girl
174
00:06:59,238 --> 00:07:00,359
you were thinking
of pursuing?
175
00:07:00,394 --> 00:07:02,748
Well, um,
176
00:07:02,783 --> 00:07:07,705
I-I-I talked about it
with some friends, and...
177
00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:09,915
they don't think
it's a good idea,
178
00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:11,122
so...
179
00:07:11,157 --> 00:07:11,957
Okay.
180
00:07:11,992 --> 00:07:14,234
Uh, well, thank you for sharing.
181
00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:16,650
(light applause)
182
00:07:16,685 --> 00:07:18,094
Arg, Captain.
183
00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:20,043
Methinks I found a way out.
184
00:07:20,078 --> 00:07:20,770
Good.
185
00:07:20,805 --> 00:07:23,356
Because we can't spend
the rest of our lives
186
00:07:23,391 --> 00:07:25,855
inside the belly
of this whale.
187
00:07:25,890 --> 00:07:29,025
Aye, and it looks like this
tight, round hole is the exit.
188
00:07:29,060 --> 00:07:31,184
Ah, I better go first.
189
00:07:31,236 --> 00:07:33,537
Aye, sir, but remember
what happened last time.
190
00:07:33,572 --> 00:07:34,871
You should be
exiting through it,
191
00:07:34,906 --> 00:07:36,926
not putting
your penis in it.
192
00:07:36,961 --> 00:07:37,908
(giggles)
193
00:07:37,993 --> 00:07:40,497
(laughter)
194
00:07:40,532 --> 00:07:41,288
Okay.
195
00:07:41,323 --> 00:07:43,155
Okay.
So what we just did there
196
00:07:43,190 --> 00:07:44,734
was completely improvised.
197
00:07:44,769 --> 00:07:47,140
Which means we did not
plan it beforehand at all.
198
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,075
GROUP LEADER:
Isn't that great?
199
00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:49,348
We have a special treat
for you guys today.
200
00:07:49,383 --> 00:07:50,921
This is Nathan and Nathan.
201
00:07:51,006 --> 00:07:53,206
People call me Tall Nathan.
202
00:07:53,292 --> 00:07:56,402
Well, Nathan and Tall Nathan
are from a local comedy school.
203
00:07:56,437 --> 00:07:58,735
And they're going to be
teaching us a lesson in improv.
204
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,744
Studies show that this can help
with trauma-induced anxiety.
205
00:08:01,779 --> 00:08:03,763
We know what you've
all been through,
206
00:08:03,798 --> 00:08:06,624
and we're sensitive to it.
207
00:08:06,659 --> 00:08:07,677
Okay, let's start.
208
00:08:07,712 --> 00:08:10,420
Who wants to play
a gay banana?
209
00:08:13,033 --> 00:08:16,897
I was born on the wrong side
of the tracks
210
00:08:16,982 --> 00:08:21,818
Leave my home and I never plan
on coming back...
211
00:08:21,904 --> 00:08:23,353
My best shits are always here.
212
00:08:23,388 --> 00:08:24,295
I have no idea why.
213
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:26,808
Wendy, can I get
a couple more shrimp cocktails?
214
00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:28,989
Do you think maybe
we should discuss the job?
215
00:08:29,024 --> 00:08:30,715
Relax. You're so inhibited.
216
00:08:30,750 --> 00:08:33,135
Listen, writing isn't sitting
behind a computer.
217
00:08:33,170 --> 00:08:35,585
Writing is
experiencing things,
218
00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:36,604
living.
219
00:08:36,639 --> 00:08:38,365
Look, some of the best writers
in the world
220
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,503
have never written a word.
221
00:08:40,538 --> 00:08:41,571
You want to write?
222
00:08:41,606 --> 00:08:42,672
Here.
223
00:08:42,707 --> 00:08:45,994
Start by getting yourself
a lap dance.
224
00:08:46,029 --> 00:08:46,913
Go ahead.
225
00:08:46,948 --> 00:08:49,112
Go on.
226
00:08:49,147 --> 00:08:50,010
No, no, no, no, no.
227
00:08:50,045 --> 00:08:52,933
Not that one... she's kind of
my strip club wife.
228
00:08:53,912 --> 00:08:55,647
All right, good boy.
229
00:08:55,682 --> 00:08:57,771
(dialing, line ringing)
230
00:08:57,856 --> 00:08:58,907
Hey.
231
00:08:58,942 --> 00:09:00,458
Do you want to get
a lap dance with me?
232
00:09:00,493 --> 00:09:02,160
Oh, hell yeah, I do.
233
00:09:06,371 --> 00:09:10,020
No, no, no, no,
the one with the C-section scar.
234
00:09:10,055 --> 00:09:11,580
Which one?
235
00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:16,347
I'm so smart,
I got nothing on my mind
236
00:09:16,382 --> 00:09:18,463
I've got zero to-dos
237
00:09:18,498 --> 00:09:19,969
And that's just fine.
238
00:09:20,004 --> 00:09:22,095
LINDSAY:
What the hell is this?
239
00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:26,026
Legal termination
of marriage contract?
240
00:09:26,061 --> 00:09:27,339
And what... I'm sorry...
241
00:09:27,374 --> 00:09:31,364
what-what is irr...
242
00:09:31,399 --> 00:09:33,494
irrec... irr...
243
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:35,142
Irreconcilable differences.
244
00:09:35,177 --> 00:09:37,949
It means that things
are so broken
245
00:09:37,984 --> 00:09:40,110
that they can't be fixed.
246
00:09:40,145 --> 00:09:41,197
Like when you put
all those pennies
247
00:09:41,283 --> 00:09:42,999
down the garbage disposal.
248
00:09:43,034 --> 00:09:44,268
We had sex last week.
249
00:09:44,303 --> 00:09:45,779
Yes, Paul told me.
250
00:09:45,814 --> 00:09:47,759
We have no secrets.
251
00:09:51,326 --> 00:09:52,750
Stop doing that.
252
00:09:52,785 --> 00:09:54,084
What are you
saying about me?
253
00:09:54,119 --> 00:09:56,089
I'm going to go check
on Conor.
254
00:09:56,124 --> 00:09:57,790
He's been pretty depressed.
255
00:09:57,825 --> 00:10:00,713
I'm afraid he's going to pet
that poor dog bald.
256
00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:05,789
I saw you watching me kiss Edgar
at the get-together.
257
00:10:05,824 --> 00:10:08,443
We both felt it.
258
00:10:08,478 --> 00:10:09,976
I'm gonna get you back.
259
00:10:10,045 --> 00:10:12,150
No, Lindsay.
260
00:10:12,185 --> 00:10:13,655
You're really not.
261
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,705
Have fun having hand sex
262
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,302
with your girlfriend
in the woods.
263
00:10:20,322 --> 00:10:22,196
If you must know,
264
00:10:22,231 --> 00:10:25,907
I'm able
to finish with her regular!
265
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:30,809
Sam?
266
00:10:30,844 --> 00:10:32,744
(clattering)
267
00:10:38,481 --> 00:10:39,981
(shutter clicks)
268
00:10:40,358 --> 00:10:43,756
_
269
00:10:43,791 --> 00:10:44,782
_
270
00:10:46,181 --> 00:10:48,815
Sam?
271
00:10:48,850 --> 00:10:50,570
What's going on?
272
00:10:50,605 --> 00:10:52,179
Why'd you rebuild
your panic fort?
273
00:10:52,214 --> 00:10:53,509
SAM:
If you were abandoned
274
00:10:53,544 --> 00:10:55,169
and left for dead
by your best friends,
275
00:10:55,204 --> 00:10:56,681
you might do the same.
276
00:10:56,716 --> 00:10:58,559
You just gonna hang out
in your fort all day?
277
00:10:58,594 --> 00:11:00,436
Does it look like
I'm just hanging out?
278
00:11:00,471 --> 00:11:02,571
I already recorded
a response diss track.
279
00:11:02,606 --> 00:11:04,374
And it is brutal.
280
00:11:04,409 --> 00:11:07,802
Turns out, Honey Nutz rhymes
with Honey Butts!
281
00:11:07,837 --> 00:11:09,917
Okay, before you do anything,
just don't upload it to the...
282
00:11:09,952 --> 00:11:10,956
(phone chimes)
283
00:11:10,991 --> 00:11:12,444
- Too late.
- All right, that's it.
284
00:11:12,479 --> 00:11:14,732
I'm organizing a sit-down
between the three of you.
285
00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:16,876
You do not tell me
what to do, Gretch!
286
00:11:16,945 --> 00:11:17,854
I'm a man.
287
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:20,011
I'm a full-grown,
shave-every-day,
288
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:23,605
went-to-Tokyo-by-myself man.
289
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,085
Fine.
290
00:11:25,137 --> 00:11:27,835
Hey, why don't
we go get something to eat, huh?
291
00:11:27,870 --> 00:11:31,347
My treat.
Any restaurant you want.
292
00:11:31,382 --> 00:11:32,092
Nobu?
293
00:11:32,127 --> 00:11:33,974
Any cheap diner you want.
294
00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:37,902
Um, okay, you,
blue shirt.
295
00:11:37,937 --> 00:11:40,580
Why don't you come up
and tag on in? Yeah, come on.
296
00:11:40,615 --> 00:11:44,315
Thank you.
All right. (chuckles)
297
00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:46,517
And... go.
298
00:11:46,552 --> 00:11:49,465
Well, since there aren't
any lions,
299
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,936
I guess we'll just have
to train all these elephants!
300
00:11:52,971 --> 00:11:54,135
Th...
301
00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,083
Then I think we're gonna need
a bigger shovel.
302
00:11:56,118 --> 00:11:57,960
- (chuckling)
- Good thinking! Unfortunately,
303
00:11:57,995 --> 00:12:02,786
all I have is this fork.
304
00:12:02,821 --> 00:12:04,464
Um...
305
00:12:04,499 --> 00:12:06,569
uh, w... um...
306
00:12:06,604 --> 00:12:09,520
(quietly): I'm sorry. I don't think
I'm very good at this.
307
00:12:09,555 --> 00:12:12,580
Look, you're fine.
Remember, never bail out.
308
00:12:12,615 --> 00:12:16,401
When you're scared,
just trust your instincts.
309
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,547
Okay.
310
00:12:18,582 --> 00:12:20,169
Um...
311
00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:22,430
(panting)
312
00:12:22,465 --> 00:12:24,894
Thanks for the fork.
313
00:12:27,194 --> 00:12:30,728
Unfortunately, I've
been using my hands.
314
00:12:30,763 --> 00:12:32,779
(chuckling)
315
00:12:33,525 --> 00:12:37,253
(laughter and applause)
316
00:12:44,083 --> 00:12:45,165
Wow.
317
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,041
(chatter and applause)
318
00:12:48,153 --> 00:12:50,540
_
319
00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:53,842
Oh, hell no!
320
00:12:53,877 --> 00:12:55,711
GRETCHEN: Just give me
five minutes.
321
00:12:55,746 --> 00:12:57,432
How much
do I do for you?
322
00:12:57,467 --> 00:13:00,015
I buy your drugs. I got
your mom into that condo.
323
00:13:00,050 --> 00:13:01,057
I stopped you from investing
324
00:13:01,092 --> 00:13:03,596
in Sufjan Stevens'
broth restaurant.
325
00:13:04,516 --> 00:13:05,663
Five minutes.
326
00:13:05,698 --> 00:13:10,142
- And I'm taking my chicken tendies to go.
- Okay.
327
00:13:10,177 --> 00:13:12,057
I heard your song.
328
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,621
Yeah, that was real low,
329
00:13:13,656 --> 00:13:15,405
telling the world
about my fake nut.
330
00:13:15,457 --> 00:13:17,304
I should have said
you have no nuts,
331
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,292
recording tracks
behind my back!
332
00:13:19,327 --> 00:13:20,949
Treating me like you Salt-N-Pepa
333
00:13:20,984 --> 00:13:22,653
and I'm Spinderella and shit!
334
00:13:22,688 --> 00:13:25,068
Spinderella would never hack
a brother's Netflix queue!
335
00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,973
I had, like, 500 things
I wanted to watch.
336
00:13:27,008 --> 00:13:29,369
Now the only thing I can
remember is Peaky Blinders.
337
00:13:29,404 --> 00:13:33,121
Hey, hey! What happened
to you guys?
338
00:13:33,156 --> 00:13:35,977
Working together used to be,
like, your favorite thing to do.
339
00:13:36,012 --> 00:13:38,302
All you did was skate and record
340
00:13:38,337 --> 00:13:41,069
and throw ice at the guy handing
out Jimmy Kimmel tickets.
341
00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:42,616
You guys
were like brothers,
342
00:13:42,651 --> 00:13:45,247
living together
in that one-bedroom in Venice.
343
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,329
You all take turns
between the bed, the couch,
344
00:13:47,364 --> 00:13:49,200
and the baby pool
filled with pillows.
345
00:13:49,235 --> 00:13:50,273
- (chuckles)
- (chuckles)
346
00:13:50,358 --> 00:13:51,407
Remember when I got blown
347
00:13:51,443 --> 00:13:54,262
in that pool
by the UCLA German professor?
348
00:13:54,297 --> 00:13:57,284
"Your penis was at achtung!"
349
00:13:57,319 --> 00:13:58,816
(laughing)
350
00:13:58,851 --> 00:13:59,916
See?
351
00:13:59,951 --> 00:14:02,741
You guys make an awesome team.
352
00:14:03,959 --> 00:14:05,144
- I'm sorry.
- (phone chimes)
353
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:07,872
- HONEY NUTZ: Yeah, that was mean of us.
- SHITSTAIN: Me, too, man.
354
00:14:07,907 --> 00:14:09,841
- SAM: All there?
- HONEY NUTZ and SHITSTAIN: Yeah.
355
00:14:09,876 --> 00:14:11,210
- Wait.
- Bitch,
356
00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:12,501
you just made
an eloquent speech
357
00:14:12,536 --> 00:14:13,922
that I greatly appreciated.
358
00:14:13,957 --> 00:14:15,101
(quietly):
Flip the table and storm out.
359
00:14:15,136 --> 00:14:16,299
This table's a classic.
360
00:14:16,351 --> 00:14:17,825
I will do no such thing.
361
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:19,138
Pitchfork just posted
a whole thing
362
00:14:19,173 --> 00:14:20,578
on your beef. It's blowing up.
363
00:14:20,613 --> 00:14:21,354
For real?
364
00:14:21,389 --> 00:14:23,650
Guys, this has
gone too far!
365
00:14:23,685 --> 00:14:24,966
Threatening each
other's lives?
366
00:14:25,001 --> 00:14:27,773
Telling each other to suck
each other's dicks?!
367
00:14:29,448 --> 00:14:32,080
Well, if these bitches
368
00:14:32,115 --> 00:14:33,821
do not suck my dick
369
00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:35,709
sometime in the
immediate future,
370
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,882
I will kill they asses!
371
00:14:37,917 --> 00:14:40,542
W-Well, well,
my-my schedule
372
00:14:40,577 --> 00:14:44,577
is too full from writing dope
raps to suck your dick!
373
00:14:44,612 --> 00:14:49,109
Yeah! And Jaclyn and I recently
decided to become exclusive,
374
00:14:49,144 --> 00:14:51,161
so I don't think she
would appreciate me
375
00:14:51,196 --> 00:14:53,676
sucking your dick!
376
00:14:53,711 --> 00:14:54,517
(camera clicking)
377
00:14:54,552 --> 00:14:56,278
Just knock some shit over.
378
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,758
- Rap beef! Rap beef!
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
379
00:15:04,793 --> 00:15:06,907
We out of here... we
out of here, 'Stain.
380
00:15:06,942 --> 00:15:12,064
_
381
00:15:13,348 --> 00:15:15,746
Oh, my God, I was so scared.
382
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:19,114
_
383
00:15:19,536 --> 00:15:20,641
What are we doing here?
384
00:15:20,676 --> 00:15:24,014
Gazing into the darkness,
seeing if it gazes back.
385
00:15:25,641 --> 00:15:27,993
Hi, Mommy.
386
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,967
This is Jimmy.
He's my new friend.
387
00:15:31,002 --> 00:15:35,117
- Jimmy, talk to her for a bit.
- Oh, uh...
388
00:15:35,152 --> 00:15:39,491
Uh, Mrs. Strasburg, your son
is a really big influence on me.
389
00:15:39,526 --> 00:15:41,697
You must be very proud.
390
00:15:45,154 --> 00:15:47,387
Oh, this room is quite nice,
I must say.
391
00:15:47,422 --> 00:15:49,889
- (moaning)
- Ooh. Shh, shh.
392
00:15:49,924 --> 00:15:52,071
It's okay.
It's okay.
393
00:15:52,106 --> 00:15:54,401
Oh, it's like a glove full
of pencils.
394
00:15:57,144 --> 00:15:59,538
"I do not know which to prefer,
395
00:15:59,573 --> 00:16:03,146
"the beauty of inflections
or the beauty of innuendos,
396
00:16:03,181 --> 00:16:06,939
the blackbird whistling
or just after."
397
00:16:06,974 --> 00:16:08,768
Wallace Stevens.
398
00:16:08,803 --> 00:16:12,125
Who are you, and why are you
holding my mother's hand?
399
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,268
I stole some checkers
from the rec room.
400
00:16:23,303 --> 00:16:25,103
Just making
a little chaos.
401
00:16:25,138 --> 00:16:26,524
What the hell
was that?
402
00:16:26,559 --> 00:16:28,278
- That wasn't your mum, was it?
- No, no.
403
00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:31,453
She's, uh... she's back in Boca.
404
00:16:31,488 --> 00:16:34,218
How long were you talking
to that old lady, you weirdo?
405
00:16:34,253 --> 00:16:34,846
(laughs)
406
00:16:34,881 --> 00:16:36,671
I'm going home.
407
00:16:36,706 --> 00:16:39,389
I read your book.
408
00:16:39,424 --> 00:16:41,591
It's amazing.
409
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:45,261
I loved how
Colm, the father,
410
00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:48,058
never took the top all the
way off his cans of beans,
411
00:16:48,093 --> 00:16:51,184
details that say so much
412
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,289
while saying so little.
413
00:16:55,479 --> 00:16:57,847
No one else
ever picked up on that.
414
00:16:57,882 --> 00:17:00,312
Not even Steeb Corniglia.
415
00:17:00,347 --> 00:17:03,699
That's because nobody else
really understood it.
416
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:05,839
I loved your...
417
00:17:05,874 --> 00:17:09,957
relentlessly aggressive
prosaic style.
418
00:17:09,992 --> 00:17:12,524
I can help you bludgeon
your fear,
419
00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:14,777
teach you to write a book that
will make those smug bastards
420
00:17:14,812 --> 00:17:18,568
and castrating bitches come
crawling back, knees bloodied,
421
00:17:18,603 --> 00:17:19,905
begging for forgiveness.
422
00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:21,822
I would kill to see that.
423
00:17:21,857 --> 00:17:24,524
But... I don't know.
424
00:17:24,559 --> 00:17:27,065
Look,
425
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,587
I need some help
researching this book.
426
00:17:36,327 --> 00:17:39,118
Here's a little advance
in good faith.
427
00:17:39,907 --> 00:17:41,246
What do you say?
428
00:17:41,281 --> 00:17:42,847
You in?
429
00:17:42,882 --> 00:17:44,496
- I think...
- Good.
430
00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,297
Good!
431
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:47,724
Good, good day!
432
00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:48,858
I'll see you tomorrow.
433
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:52,736
Make a
little chaos.
434
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:55,268
- (tires screech)
- Hey! I'm a writer!
435
00:17:57,578 --> 00:17:58,990
(line ringing)
436
00:17:59,025 --> 00:18:01,353
- Russell Fleischer.
- It's Jimmy.
437
00:18:01,388 --> 00:18:03,215
Strasburg loved my book.
438
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,626
Great. So you're taking the job?
439
00:18:04,661 --> 00:18:05,903
Hell no.
440
00:18:05,938 --> 00:18:07,615
I, Jimmy Shive-Overly,
441
00:18:07,650 --> 00:18:10,246
will not be
some has-been's lackey.
442
00:18:10,281 --> 00:18:12,988
That'd be like Thomas Keller
making the donkey sauce
443
00:18:13,023 --> 00:18:15,551
for Guy Fieri's taco burgers.
444
00:18:15,586 --> 00:18:17,738
No, I'm gonna write a new novel,
445
00:18:17,773 --> 00:18:19,680
for I am a writer.
446
00:18:19,715 --> 00:18:21,512
So you don't need
the extra work?
447
00:18:21,547 --> 00:18:23,782
Well, of course I do.
Look, I'm drowning over here.
448
00:18:23,817 --> 00:18:25,641
Just-just find me
something else.
449
00:18:25,676 --> 00:18:27,764
Do your job, man.
450
00:18:27,799 --> 00:18:29,540
So what were the checkers for?
451
00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:32,501
JIMMY: He told me
to "make a little chaos."
452
00:18:32,536 --> 00:18:34,299
What a douche.
I mean, he wanted me to think
453
00:18:34,334 --> 00:18:38,143
he was this eccentric genius
who could mentor me.
454
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:39,734
But, you know what,
455
00:18:39,769 --> 00:18:41,977
I read some of his book.
456
00:18:42,012 --> 00:18:43,730
It was rubbish, and he knows it.
457
00:18:43,765 --> 00:18:45,896
I mean, I think he just wants
to vampire me
458
00:18:45,931 --> 00:18:48,252
because he thinks I'm a...
I'm a fresh new voice.
459
00:18:48,287 --> 00:18:50,212
And you know what? I am.
460
00:18:50,247 --> 00:18:51,823
And modest, too.
461
00:18:51,858 --> 00:18:55,676
He did give me a wad
of money though.
462
00:18:55,711 --> 00:18:57,894
Oh, I just wrote you a
check for six months' rent.
463
00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,089
But I guess
you don't really need it n-now.
464
00:19:00,124 --> 00:19:02,622
And... deposited.
465
00:19:02,657 --> 00:19:04,074
So, how was
your day?
466
00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:05,642
Oh, my God,
I have so much to tell you.
467
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:06,906
See? Aren't you glad
468
00:19:06,941 --> 00:19:09,458
we decided not to "check in"
with each other?
469
00:19:09,493 --> 00:19:11,965
No kidding.
470
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,988
So, I'd basically given up
on this Jolly Rancher,
471
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:16,924
but then out of the corner
of my eye...
472
00:19:17,744 --> 00:19:20,320
Hi. Is this Bear Stearns?
473
00:19:20,355 --> 00:19:22,169
I'm looking for Mr. Bear.
474
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,212
I have some extra money
to invest.
475
00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:26,436
Do you have any suggestions?
476
00:19:26,471 --> 00:19:28,964
(goofy voice): The sound investment
is... honey!
477
00:19:28,999 --> 00:19:31,281
LINDSAY (chuckles):
You're so funny.
478
00:19:31,316 --> 00:19:33,177
You can't invest in honey.
479
00:19:33,212 --> 00:19:34,617
Yes, you can.
480
00:19:34,652 --> 00:19:37,794
I know I did,
when I married you.
481
00:19:47,109 --> 00:19:49,142
482
00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:05,377
(knocking)
483
00:20:11,468 --> 00:20:13,963
Lindsay, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.
484
00:20:13,998 --> 00:20:15,697
Um, I'm sort of busy right now.
485
00:20:15,732 --> 00:20:16,849
EDGAR:
Well, it's just that...
486
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:18,619
- Uh, Lindsay, how do I say this?
- Do you mind
487
00:20:18,654 --> 00:20:20,384
maybe just texting me later?
488
00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:22,646
Wait, but I...
489
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:23,596
(pop)
490
00:20:26,915 --> 00:20:28,279
Shit!
491
00:20:40,174 --> 00:20:42,201
"Never bail out."
492
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,632
(screams)
Hot!
493
00:20:54,969 --> 00:20:56,383
Oh...
494
00:20:58,165 --> 00:21:00,082
(sputtering breaths)
495
00:21:17,332 --> 00:21:20,250
Lay off me, would you?
496
00:21:22,770 --> 00:21:27,368
I'm just trying
to take this new skin
497
00:21:27,403 --> 00:21:29,840
For a spin
498
00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:34,924
Pray for me, would you?
499
00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:42,341
I'm just nervous
'bout my family
500
00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:45,010
Falling in
501
00:21:47,151 --> 00:21:50,857
Ready to wrap me up
502
00:21:52,115 --> 00:21:55,639
-
Ready to love me in this
- (engine starts)
503
00:21:55,674 --> 00:22:00,976
New skin I'm filling in
504
00:22:01,011 --> 00:22:05,502
I am a tired woman
505
00:22:06,961 --> 00:22:09,205
In January
506
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:14,654
I will just be 23
507
00:22:14,704 --> 00:22:19,254
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