All language subtitles for You Me and The Apocalypse s01e09.eng

A false messiah is a false messiah.

If the press found out about this...

This conversation is held
in the strictest confidence.

Why am I even on a military base?

The President imposed a state of emergency.

I had a few legal issues back in the '80s.

I was innocent but I had to disappear.

Jamie, I'm Father Jude.

Your father, Jude.

Mr President, I'm afraid
Operation Saviour has failed.

The comet's still going to hit Earth
but we can't let the world know.

It gives me great pleasure
to formally announce

the unqualified success
of Operation Saviour.

See that? That's the end
of life as we know it.

Yep, it's the end of the world.

The actual apocalypse.

And where am I?

I'm deep under the suburbs of suburbia,

watching it on telly.

One minute now. One minute.

These pictures coming
live to us from Hubble.

And to think, just a few short
days ago, we were all so happy,

planning for a future that didn't exist.

What fools we were.

Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.

What fools.

MAN ON RADIO: Aw, come on, enough
with the conspiracy theories, huh?

Just enjoy the party, pal.
The world's safe, end of story.

NEW SPEAKER: Yeah? Well, if everything's OK

why hasn't the state of
emergency been lifted, huh?

And where are the Saviour
scientists? If I'd saved the world,

I'd be expecting banquets at the
White House. And the President...

Can we turn this off?

RADIO OFF

WOMAN GASPS

I forgot my curling irons.

There are some in the bunker.

See, the First Lady's undergoing menopause,

so... from a genetic
perspective it makes sense...

You really don't have to explain, sir.

I understand. Perfectly.

Seven billion people
going about their lives...

... oblivious to what's in store.

Poor bastards.

- BELLS CHIME
- This report about Jude is all wrong.

It was not like this.

He was excited, full of hope.

He'd just resigned from the priesthood.

- He was having a breakdown.
- No, he was not.

He'd broken his vows,

was racked with guilt over your affair.

The fact is, he committed suicide.

The coroner found no evidence of foul play.

The important thing is, you mustn't
blame yourself for his death.

Now, fortunately, the church takes
a more tolerant view of suicide

than it used to, so we can
still give him a proper burial.

No. I want his body back.

- Sister Celine...
- Just Celine.

I am no longer a sister.

He was no longer a priest and I do
not wish for him to be buried here.

Then where will you go?

- UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
- Up yours, comet, we won!

Dave, thoughts?

Yo! Best party ever,

in the history of history!

Still got it, Mum.

So now we've got a future
what do you wanna do?

Um... hang out with my dad.

HE LAUGHS

Um... I'm gonna start again.

Do it right this time, I promise.

SHE GIGGLES

And what about you, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be the best husband...

and dad that I can be,

and... I'm gonna live
and be more spontaneous!

Jamie! Phone!

Say again? I can't hear you!

Yes!

OK... thank you.

You all right?

Yeah. Um...

My dad died.

WOMAN: I'm watching you.

You think you can just swan back
in here as if nothing's happened?

You lied to my son.

Yeah. So did you. You never
told him he was adopted!

BOTH: Dave!

I can't help it, all right?
I've got no depth perception!

Like I said, you're welcome
to stay as long as you want.

You're part of the family now.

AIR HORN BLARES

Rise and shine, McNeil. You got a date.

- What the hell's going on?
- I don't know.

- I only found out about this an hour ago.
- But you're prepared, right?

OK, let's move this along,
it's been a long night.

Next up, People versus Rhonda McNeil.

Your Honour, I'd like to move
for a postponement. With the comet

now diverted, it's clear that
the state of emergency will be

- repealed any day now.
- Motion denied.

Your Honour...

Under Article 8 of the
Emergency Measures Act,

this case will be heard
today by me and me alone.

A week in the honeymoon suite

at the Cornbrook Hotel, Windsor.

Thank you!

There's too many people in this house

and right now I just wanna
be with you and Frankie.

Just the three of us.

So... Windsor.

That's literally one town away.

It involves crossing a river.

SHE LAUGHS

That's travel, right? And, besides,

last time we went on holiday
you disappeared for seven years.

Yeah.

OK, fair point.

OK... Frankie and I will pack
our bags and head to Windsor.

- You sure you don't want us to come to the funeral?
- Yeah.

Frankie's too young.

And anyway it's not that big a deal.

I hardly knew him.

Tired of being sad.

I just want a bit of happy.

Colonel Gaines...

I wanna thank you for this.

And for your, er, discretion.

I would like to commend you
for the Medal of Honor...

you and your colleague.

Husband, sir.

- Pardon?
- Scotty is my husband.

Oh.

I see.

Well, I'm sure this must
be very difficult for you...

... seeing as tomorrow...

Well, you know.

After you, Mr President.

Sir, I am truly sorry.

SHE SCREAMS

You wanna die today or tomorrow?

- Tomorrow.
- Then run.

Taking a US Marshall hostage,
taking a child hostage,

escaping from prison, and all of
this on top of hacking into the NSA.

Are those really the actions
of a school librarian? No.

Facts: Deus Ex sprung her from jail.

The leader of Deus Ex
claims her as a member.

There is only one conclusion to draw...

that McNeil is an active member
of this terrorist organisation.

And, as such,

the State urges Your Honour to
impose the maximum possible sentence.

State rests its case.

Does the defence have
any witnesses to call?

Yes!

- But we would need time...
- Do you have them here or don't you?

Well, no, we didn't know
the hearing was today...

The defence rests its case.

What?! That's it?

You've gotta be kidding me.

- This is wrong!
- Silence!

- I deserve a real trial!
- Counsel!

- With a jury!
- You will control

- your client!
- And a real judge!

He doesn't even have a hammer!

- He doesn't even have the little judge hammer thing!
- Shut up!

- This isn't helping.
- Rhonda McNeil, by the powers vested in me

by the Emergency Measures act,

I find you guilty of all charges.

I sentence you to death by
hanging at midnight tonight.

- Oh, hey. You here for...
- Wrong funeral!

Go to hell.

You all right?

I just got heckled by a pensioner.

I can't believe she was married to Jude.

Even the celibates are
getting more action than me.

Can we talk about Layla?

Mum, we're at a funeral.

It's just I don't want you
to jump back in too soon.

I can't believe that she's your step-mum.

I haven't got any mums, you've had,
like, what, 12 in the last month...

how's that fair?

PANICKED CONVERSATION

- Ladies, please...
- They can't keep us here.

I know. Let me explain.

- I'm not staying here.
- Listen, I understand...

that you are all very upset.
We were drugged and abducted!

We woke up in here to find
out that, "Hey, guess what?

You're the future of the human race.

There's a fridge full of
sperm. Enjoy yourselves."

- So, yeah, I think we have a right to be upset.
- Exactly.

Let us go. Now.

OK, if you...

wanna leave then...

you're free to go.

MURMUR OF CONVERSATION

I wish that we hadn't abducted you.

OK, if there had been any other way
without causing widespread panic,

believe me, we would have done it
but there weren't any good options,

there were just shitty ones.

That's our future.

When Arnold and I go home, we cook
some food, drink a bottle of wine

that we've been saving, and
take one of those pills each.

We die tonight.

And you don't have to.

You are here...

because we believe in you.

You fill us with hope that humanity
can be better next time around

and that hope has sustained
us through some terrible things

- that we had to do to get you here.
- Like what?

- Shooting the President.
- ALL EXCLAIM

- Killed my own Commander in Chief.
- Why?

Cos if he'd been in here we would
have ended up with the same crap

all over again.

He wasn't fit to lead
mankind into a new age.

I hoped that you might be.

- We have to leave.
- Yeah.

Thank you for listening.

The door will be sealed behind
us so if you do wanna leave,

now is your last chance.

What are we gonna do?

Why don't you stay?

After the things we've done...

it wouldn't be right to save ourselves.

Good luck.

The awful truth is I want the comet to hit.

I know it's selfish.

But I don't want the future without him.

I only met him 33 days ago.

But I did more living in that time...

than in the 30 years before.

He made me feel... alive.

But now...

It was just awful!

I mean, God knows I was a terrible mother

but you shouldn't outlive your children.

And to top it all, that
little prick, Ariel, was there!

Love you, too, Grandma.

Your security system's a disgrace,

you should really get that looked at.

Oh, and that "little prick" wasn't
me. I'm guessing you just met Jamie.

Who the hell is... Oh!

So Jamie is your twin.

No flies on you, are there?

Yet, funny, isn't it, how
long ago all of that feels...

you needing blood, me needing the bunker?

Still... now that none
of us are going to die...

- You've a nerve coming here.
- Haven't I?

See, now that there's a future, I've
been thinking what it holds for me,

what kind of man will I be?

And the answer I've come up is...

... rich.

And that's where you come in.

I'd like my inheritance now, please.

This amount, first day of
every month, into this account.

After all, it'd be a terrible shame

if the world was to find
out you're actually alive.

Now that there is a future, you
really wanna spend it behind bars?

You're blackmailing me.

Oh, how adorably old-fashioned!

Take care of him.

You really think I'd come
without an insurance policy?

I'm sure you'll be keen to avoid
my little website going live.

It's just a bunch of photos,
videos, maps, you know,

stuff lawyers might call "evidence".

It automatically goes live unless
I enter a code every 12 hours

so by all means kill me.

Seal your fate. Your choice.

You know...

in another life I would
have rather liked you.

You'll get your money.

But if I ever see your face again,

I WILL have you killed.

Take your clothes off.

You wear this now.

SHE CRIES

SOLDIER: Watch your fingers,
gentlemen, this one's a biter!

Get yourself a tetanus shot...

PRISONER WAILS

PRISONER ROARS

Oh, hey, hon.

Have you lost weight?

SHE SPITS

What a view.

That's beautiful...

isn't it?

- You OK?
- Mm-hm.

I was just thinking...

... how lucky I am to
have had you in my life.

We just shot the President,

shouldn't you be having
a nervous breakdown?

HE LAUGHS

Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, wow.

All right, let's do it.

Sure about this?

- Cos once I hit "send", the shit hits the fan.
- I know.

But everybody has the right to say goodbye.

Yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

Apologies again for the...
"Slough-ness" of the wake.

It's fitting. He would
have liked it. To Jude.

ALL: To Jude.

TV: ... we're going to interrupt
here as we've got disturbing news

breaking out of America.

This tape was released just
a couple of minutes ago.

My name is General Gaines.

I was the commanding officer
responsible for Operation Saviour.

It is with great regret that I
must now discharge my final duty

and inform you...

that Operation Saviour did, in fact, fail.

Contrary to what you were told,

the comet was not sufficiently
diverted from its course

and will strike the Earth
tomorrow at 3.49am Eastern.

That's 8.49am Greenwich Mean Time...

NO! NO!

NO!

Although this will come as
little comfort, I want you to know

that plans are in place to ensure
the survival of the human race.

No-one involved in this cover-up

has used it to ensure their own survival.

The President of the United States is dead.

I, too, will perish with you.

I accept full responsibility
for my actions...

No, stay there, we'll come get you. Layla?

It was done for the right reasons
and I stand by my decisions.

Fuck!

- Like you, I am afraid.
- Jamie? Jamie?

And, like you, I intend
to spend what time I have

- with the people I love.
- It's OK. Daddy's coming.

I hope you can find some
solace in these, our final hours.

I wish you good luck.

- May the world rise to meet you.
- Bring in the other kids.

You, prep the bunker. Do what
you can with what we have.

You... you're coming with me.

_

Scenes of disorder and destruction

are amassing from every
part of the world...

Here we go.

Right. Now, we can all sit here,

feeling sorry for ourselves,

or we can partay like it's 1999!

And I mean the one that Prince promised me.

Not the one I actually got. That was crap.

So, I vote for Prince. Who's with me?

- Yeah, go on.
- Good boy.

Here, get this down your neck,
Jamie. We're going out in style!

I can't, I've got to get Layla and Frankie.

I'll be back in time, I promise.
We'll be together at the end.

The whole family.

I love you, Mum.

I love you, too, son.

ALARMS BLARE

SIRENS WAIL

CAR ALARM BEEPS

TYRES SQUEAL

What are you doing? Get out of the way!

Hello, Jamie.

You were at the funeral.

Of course. I wanted to pay
my last respects to my son.

- Your son?
- Yes.

- You mean you're my...
- Yes, Jamie. I am your grandmother.

It's lovely to meet you.

OK. Great. Can you move your car, please?

Oh, come now, Jamie, surely you
can spare me a minute or two.

Actually, no, sorry.

Any other day, yes, but today is
all about my wife and daughter,

- so can you please...
- I... can save their lives.

That's really sweet of you.
But you can't save them.

See, there's a big rock coming

and there's nothing any
of us can do about it.

I know. Now, be a good boy
and stop patronising me.

Here.

You've got a bunker?

Only nutters have bunkers.

And it's in Slough?

Just come to the bunker.

Look, no offence, but I don't know you

and now suddenly you're asking
me to come and live in a hole.

The definitive word in
that sentence is "live".

Whaddya say?

David, this bucket list is pathetic.

Seriously? Have you
never done any of those?

What have you been doing with your life?

I don't know. Angry Birds.

Lies. All lies.

Yeah. Funny that(!)

We met this man. He's not Jesus,
he drives the taxicab in Bilbao.

He claims he helps
people but it's not true.

We filed a report, they know he's
a fraud. How could they do this?

Jude warned me about them.

Look, Celine, darling... let it go, eh?

What does it matter?

We're all gonna be dead, anyway.

Go on, get that down you.

SHE GROANS

I'm sorry, God.

I'm so sorry.

No need to apologise, dear.

It's going to be all right.

Mint?

Who are you?

I am God.

And you are very drunk.

Forgive me.

Oh, good grief. The grovelling.

Always the grovelling.

Can't we just be pleased to see each other?

Huh! Jude sends his love, by the way.

So he's in heaven? Thank God.

And, between you and me, it's nice
to have some totty round the place.

I am so sorry. I broke
my vows, I let you down.

The only thing I'm sad
about is you leaving.

But I never left you.

I need you, Celine.

You're part of my plan.

Always were.

And always will be.

- KNOCK ON DOOR
- Oi, let me in, I'm gonna puke!

I'm gonna hurl!

This is my last meal.

I thought we were supposed
to get something we like.

Oh, my God, how can you even be hungry?

I ain't hungry. You're looking
at pure willpower right here.

They gonna kill me, I'm gonna
make it as disgusting for them

as I possibly can.

I plan to poop myself the likes of
which you ain't never seen before.

What's for dessert, assface?

Screw you.

You wish.

I don't even understand why you're here.

I mean, I know you escaped
and everything but...

hardly seems worth the death penalty.

I guess they must have gotten me
on aiding and abetting a terrorist.

Oh, God, you're here cos of me.

- I'm so sorry.
- Come on, it ain't your fault.

It's my...

back-stabbing, bitch-ass
husband put me in here.

What happened?

Well... I guess you could say

things kinda went downhill
after I helped you escape.

Todd Senior was pissed at me.

Oh!

We was fighting all the time,

sex went downhill...

We was barely doing it two, three
times a night there towards the end.

Worst part about it was...

... he turned my kids against me.

Poisoned their minds against me somehow.

Then the sheriff came to the door

and I found out there had
been a reward out on me.

$10,000.

20 years of marriage sold out
for the price of a boob job.

I don't know what to say.

Rhonda, listen to me.

I know you're scared and I know
you feel like you ain't never

gonna see your husband and your
son again but that ain't true.

You are gonna see them again, in heaven.

You ain't gonna be alone like me.

- You're not gonna be alone.
- Of course I am.

I ain't got nobody.

I always used to think white was right.

But it's white that betrayed me.

Hm.

I guess the joke's on me, ain't it?

SHE CHUCKLES

You know, it don't feel too good
to realise that... you been wrong...

... about every single thing.

Or maybe it weren't the blacks
and the queers and the Jews

I shoulda had a problem with...

... maybe it was just men.

SHE EXHALES

DOOR OPENS

OK, General, hang up those
guns and lock the door.

My private is standing to
attention and awaiting your...

- Ahem.
- ... order.

Hi, Uncle Scotty.

Hello, Scotty, my name is Larson
and I work for your mother.

O... K.

My mother's dead. So... whoever
you are, could you please just...

Kenneth?

That's my Kenneth.

- How did you get this?
- Like I said, I work for your mother.

I don't have time to
explain now but she is alive

and she wants to save your life.

No, that's... that's
impossible, my mother is dead.

My sister and I...

We... we were orphans at five years old.

- You know what? Boo-fucking-hoo.
- Hey!

- You don't talk to him like that.
- I'll level with you.

I'm not here for my people skills.

I'm sure you've lots of stuff
to work out with your mother but,

for the moment, let's stick to the facts.

Armageddon is tomorrow.

Your mother has a bunker, she wants
to save your life, so let's go.

Well, actually, no, I'm
sorry to disappoint you

- but I don't wanna live.
- But your nephew does.

Hey, that's great. That is great.

So you go have fun, but
you can count me out of it.

And what about Mom?

She's in jail cos you, er...

put her there. Don't you think you owe her?

Don't you think you owe me?!

What do you want me to do about it?

She's being held on a military
base, which is where you come in.

Please.

You guys are her only hope.

Come on, man.

Fine.

Fine, we'll help you get Rhonda
and we'll help you survive.

We're not saving ourselves.

Right?

Right.

I appreciate this but I really
don't need to be baby-sat.

Yeah, well, better safe than sorry.

It's chaos, Jamie.

You wanna get your family
to the bunker, don't you?

And it'll be safe in the bunker, right?

- Be a helluva lot safer than NOT being in there.
- It's just...

Whoo!

No.

Yes.

You like?

I call this look...

Corporate Gimp.

What are you doing?

Ending Doofus, doofus.

I could have just shot you in
the car but it didn't feel right.

Whereas this...

entombed in your own bank vault...

a tedious suburban end to
a tedious suburban life.

What have I ever done to you?

You know what it was like to grow up
being told how much better you were?

Mum used to call you her "special boy".

Said she gave you up
cos you deserved better.

So I cyber-stalked you...

to find out what all the fuss was about.

Only you weren't special.

You were average.

And I kept you that way.

You know, the only thing sadder than
being a bank manager in Slough...

is playing a game

where your avatar is a Slough bank manager.

And then having to watch...

as your wife falls in love with him.

Don't!

So, you met Grandma, then.

She's a dear, isn't she?

Sadly, I burnt my bridges
there but, luckily, you didn't.

So all I need do to survive
is pretend to be you.

I've realised

Doofus wasn't a game.

It was a rehearsal.

I've watched you for so long.

I know how you talk...

... how you move.

I know how you think.

So I'm gonna go now,

find Frankie... Layla,

and enjoy my night in the honeymoon suite.

Leave them alone...

... please.

DOOR LOCKS

ALARMS BLARE

OK...

if you're gonna be him...

you're gonna have to face this.

Germs cannot get you.

HE EXHALES

OK.

Yeah.

OK.

Jamie, why are you stroking the bank?

See? I knew it was more than
a job for him. It's a fetish.

Sex money.

THEY GIGGLE

What you even doing here? Where's Layla?

J... just...

wanted to say goodbye.

And clear out my desk.

HE LAUGHS

That is so you!

Captain Anal strikes again.

I am what I am.

So why are you here?

Well, um...

we've been bucket listing and
we've got some news for you, Jamie.

After having several small sherries...

David here...

has asked me to be his
good lady wife. And I...

have said yes.

SHE LAUGHS

We're getting married!

No, Mum, you're not.

I forbid it.

HE SIGHS

Our family's already weird enough
without THAT as my step-dad.

I told you he'd be like this.

Like what? Sane?!

You don't even like him.

Every morning on the way
to school, same lecture...

"Why do you hang out with Dave?
He's a loser, he drags you down."

And now suddenly he's marriage material?

Oh, for God's sake! Stop being... so...

Jamie-ish!

HE CHUCKLES

It's the end of the
world, what does it matter?

What does it matter? She's my mum!

Just... Look, just come here.

Come on. Mate! Hey,
don't fight it. Come on.

Come on, come here. Listen.

I promise to be the best
father I can be for you.

Paula, come on. Come on, let's
have ourselves a Jamie sandwich.

- Come on.
- Oh...

Please, Jamie.

You know I've always wanted to get married

and it would mean the world to me
if you walked me down the aisle.

Plus it'd take our minds
off all this dying stuff.

Huh?

OK, Mum, I'll do it.

Yes! I knew you'd come round.

I love you, Jamie.

I love you, too, Mum.

- How the hell are we gonna do this?
- We just walk straight in.

Now shut up and try to look butch.

Open the damn gate.

- Sir, can I help you?
- Hell is everybody?

- Sir, they, er... They left, sir.
- They left?!

That's a disgrace. Why are you smiling?

Sir, I'm not smiling, sir.

Are you calling me a
liar? I say you're smiling

and I say you're proud of the
cowardice of your regiment!

Guardhouse, now!

This is the guardhouse, sir.

Well, open the door, then!

HE EXHALES

Sir, sir, you're not allowed to...

Do not tell me where I
can and cannot go, son.

Now, open that cell, I've
got orders from the President.

No, sir, I can't, I have orders.

FROM ME!

Don't make me go Mount Vesuvius on
you, son, or is that what you want?

You want me to ERUPT and SPRAY
my hot, molten lava upon you?!

Ask yourself, is that what you
really want?! To be my Pompeii?!

I... I don't exactly know what
that is, sir, but I don't think so.

Then open the door.

OK.

McNeil... today is your lucky day.

- We have to get Leanne.
- Shut up and keep moving.

I can't just leave her.

Hey, er, open her cell!

I don't take orders from you.

- The hell is this?
- You heard her, open the other cell.

I said open the door.

You heard the man.

Be a good boy now.

- Sir, I'm gonna need to see those orders.
- Open it.

Sir...

I cannot comply unless
you show me those orders.

Show me the orders!

Don't do this, Private.

GUNSHOT

Ah!

- Scotty, look at me!
- Oh, my God!

- Look at me.
- Hey. Hey.

PA SYSTEM: Shots fired. All
guards to section nine. Shots fired.

Shots fired. Shots fired...

We gotta go. Come on!

Let's go, let's go!

Hold on, Scotty, hold on!

Soon, Jude. Soon. I am ready.

KNOCK ON DOOR

THEY GASP

Daddy!

- Where were you? We were worried sick.
- I know.

We don't have to worry
about anything any more.

See, there's this bunker,
we're gonna go there

and we are gonna survive...

the three of us, together,

a family,

our family.

We'll never be apart again.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

Love you, Jamie.

Love you, too.

GUNFIRE

Faster! Put your foot down!

Quit telling me how to drive!

For God's sake.

Ariel... I'd rather die.

No!

So, this is England...

pretty,

aside from the rocks
falling out of the sky.

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- www.addic7ed.com -

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