All language subtitles for You Me and The Apocalypse s01e01.eng

'See that?

'That's what's going to kill everyone

'any second now.

'It doesn't matter who you are,
who you pray to,

'black or white,

'straight or gay,

'rich or poor.'

'Yeah, it's Judgment Day.

'The actual apocalypse.

'And where am I?

'In Slough.

'Or rather, under Slough,
watching it on telly.'

One minute now.

One minute. These pictures
coming live to us from Hubble.

'I know what you're thinking.

'Cheer up,
you're one of the lucky ones!

'My question is, am I?

'I mean, have you seen
who else is in here?

'Who are these people?'

'How the hell did this happen?

'Are we the future of mankind?

'I mean, seriously?!'

The human race
united as never before.

It's time to brace ourselves
to say goodbye.

Thank you all for watching.
I hope we'll meet again.

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.

Hey, lovely.

Message 2,610.

It's my birthday. Yay!

Seventh one without you.

And it's not getting any easier.

I thought it would,
but nothing changes.

I still miss you...

..as much as I did on day one.

So, usual stuff -

if you're out there,
give me a sign.

Anything. Just...

a little birthday present.

Blimey, you're up early.
I haven't been to bed yet.

But good news, I am now officially
a Level 3 Warlock.

All right!

Good to hear the career
is going well.

Aren't you tired of having
exactly the same thing

cooked for exactly the same
amount of time every morning?

No. And by the way, it's Tuesday.

No, don't sigh, just pay the rent.

'I spend too much of my life
having this conversation.

'So set up a direct debit.
Yeah, but then I'd be on the grid.

'What grid?!'

Let's do a little experiment,
shall we? Let's not.

What happens if I do this?

Oh, no, he's out of
his comfort zone.

Heart pounding, palms clammy.
Embrace it, this is therapy.

Embrace the chaos.

Good news,
I'm also timing it on my watch.

So there!

Hmm? I... Ah!

Is this you teaching me
to embrace the chaos?

You've burnt your mouth, haven't you?

Seriously, Jamie,
these routines are killing you.

You need to get some life
back in your life.

Noob! Noob!

Be careful where you look, yeah?
Don't look 'em in the eye.

In here, it's a sign of aggression.

You're in a world of pain, noob.

Ignore 'em, just walk.

Noob! Noob! Noob! Noob!

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Noob! Noob! Noob! Noob!

Welcome to the neighbourhood, noob.

She's fine, got dibs on that!

Going to rope it,
soap it and grope it.

This is temporary.

No, no, I mean it. I'm going to
get bailed out any second.

My lawyer's working on it.

So you'll come and get me
as soon as it's posted, right?

I put a mint on your pillow. Enjoy.

OK.

OK, don't panic. Don't panic.

Hey, noob, over here.

It's OK, don't be scared.

What's your name, noob?

Rhonda.

Rhonda, that's a nice name.

Fuck you, Rhonda.

Where's my money?

See, this ring's for the Latinas.
You pay rent, bitch.

Hey, why don't you leave her be?

This don't concern you.
It's between me and the noob.

I said, leave her alone

or else you and me is going to have
a little problem, sweetheart.

Hey, Rhonda, I'm Leanne.

Girl, I seen you on the TV.

You are quite the celebrity.

You OK in there, hon?

Uh, not really.

Now, don't you worry about
them girls.

You're going to be just fine.

You're with me now and I ain't going
to let nothing bad happen to you.

Thank you. Well, it is my pleasure,
hon.

What are friends for?

Et benedictus fructus ventris tui

Ave Maria, gratia plena

Dominus tecum

Benedicta tu in mulieribus

Et benedictus fructus ventris tui

Ah, you must be the new
work experience. Gavin, is it?

Welcome aboard.

So, interested in banking, are we?

Nah, I sent my form back late.
All the good stuff had gone.

Oh, I see.

'Well, any questions -
don't be shy. Just ask.

'So, you're one of
them fat cats then?'

One of the wankers that screwed us?

Well, what do you think?

Nah, you'd be better dressed.

Good.

Any other questions?

Yeah, got a hug for your mum?!

Oh!

Mum, this is Gavin.
Gavin, my mum.

Loser.

Mum, I can't drink.
I'm at work.

Nonsense.

I've got one child and I am going to
help him celebrate his birthday.

Plus, I just finished being
on nights for a week. So, cheers.

Christ, I'm losing the will to live.

Sod it, we're not learning anything.
Let's do this.

Here you are! Happy birthday,
darling. Thanks, Mum.

A subscription to
an online dating website.

Mum, we've been through this!

You've got to move on, Jamie.

I don't want to move on.

You're like that woman in the book.

You might have to narrow
that down a little bit.

You know the one, the cobwebby one.

Spider-Woman?

No, from the old days.

Um... Oh...thingy!

I've actually
got some work to do.

Havisham.

Miss Havisham - Great Expectations.

Jilted at the altar.

I wasn't jilted at the altar.

Spent years
moping around the house

wearing her wedding dress -
frozen in time.

But you're still young, Jamie.
PHONE RINGS

Yeah? You've got to stop
acting like

your best days are behind you. Who?

It isn't healthy.
Well, what do they want?

Life throws stuff at you.
I'll be there in a minute.

Sometimes it's bad
but sometimes it's really good.

It's been seven years, Jamie.
Time to let go.

And did you ever stop to think
that maybe I like my rut?

Maybe I like having a routine?

I don't want any more surprises
in my life.

I like knowing exactly
what's going to happen next.

Shut it, shit mouth.

Jamie Winton, I'm arresting you

on 484 separate charges
of bank robbery,

identity theft
and international cyberterrorism.

What?! Jamie,
what the hell's going on?

You don't have to say anything
but it may harm your defence

if you don't mention when questioned
something which you later rely on in court.

No, no, no, there's been a mistake.
That's what they all say.

Oh, this is way cooler
than I thought it was going to be.

Hurry up, Sister Celine.

Please don't doddle,
I'm a very busy man.

Sorry, I have done
the whole touristy bit

but I have never been
behind the scene before.

I feel like Dorothy
in The Wizard Of Oz,

when she looked behind the curtain.

A somewhat inappropriate analogy.

There is an actual Devil's Advocate?

You did read the job description
before applying, didn't you?

Father Jude will be with you
in due course.

Take a seat.

And good luck.

Is it me or did she just
look me in the eye?

I just came to say hello,
why you got to be so aggressive?

I-I-I wasn't, I swear.

I don't have any money,
I can't pay you.

No money and an attitude?

Puts us in an awkward position,
don't it?

Oh, now see, I thought
I told you to leave her alone.

These ladies bothering you, hon?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, please don't take
the Lord's name in vain, sweet pea.

Now, like I said,
Rhonda is with me.

That true, noob? You klanning up?

Well, don't be shy now,
Rhonda, I thought we was friends.

OK, I'm going to say this
real nice and slow,

because I know that English
ain't your strong point.

Why don't you,
and the rest of the donkey fuckers,

go and take a siesta.

You think that's acceptable, noob?
That kind of racial slurring?

Ain't no slurring occurring,
just stating facts.

I'd rather fuck a donkey
than fuck my own brother.

Oh, now, see, that is racial,
starting in on the inbreeding jibes.

I mean, how come you ain't
chastising her, huh?

Oh, what, you on their side now?

Hey, noob, we don't want you
on our team.

It ain't like on the outside, hon.

In here, you're white - end of.

You ain't with us,
you ain't with no-one.

Oh, no, time to pick!

Um...

McNeil, your lawyer's here.

Let's go.

Oh, that's a shame!

Because it looks like
I'm out of here. But...

..for the record,

I would have chosen this for you.

Oh, but don't worry,
I've got one for you, too. What?!

Bye!

What do you know about the group
calling themselves Deus Ex Machina?

Nothing,
just what's been on the news.

They're hackers, or anarchists.

I don't know,
they seem to hate everything.

And what's your connection to them?

I don't have one.

I want you to take a look
at their calling card.

What does this word mean to you?

Nothing, it is gibberish.

And what about if I do...

this?

No, still nothing.

Revelations -
chapter six, verses 1-2.

"And I saw when the lamb opened
one of the seven seals,

"and I heard one of
the four living creatures saying,

"as with the voice of thunder,

"'Come and behold, a white horse.'"

And how is this relevant
to my client?

No-one knows the real identity
of the leader of Deus Ex,

but online, he goes by
the username TheWhiteHorse.

Would you like
to see a photo of him?

Remind you of anyone?

Pricks!

Who the fuck are you?

Sister Celine.
I am here for the interview.

Oh, yes, the researcher job.

Please. Bear with me.

Sister Celine... Sister Celine?

Sorry about my language, by the way.

Oh, it's OK, I speak English.

I meant my potty mouth -

my swearing. Did it offend you?

It surprised me a little but, no, it
does not offend.

Let me ask you,

do you find the phrase
"Christ on a bike" offensive?

Because I just used it in a meeting
and you would have thought

that I'd performed an abortion
on the table or something.

Well, I suppose the image
of Christ riding a bicycle

could seem a little bit
disrespectful.

Really?

Because I think he'd be
very likely to ride a bike.

He seems like that
kind of a guy to me.

What else would he show up in,
a stretch Hummer?

No, it's not here.

Father Alphonse,

could you please bring in
Sister Celine's file?

So, tell me what you know
about the Devil's Advocate.

Honestly, nothing.

I thought it was a figure of speech
until I saw your door.

I should not admit that.
I never had a job interview before.

Right, in that case
I will treat you to the full spiel.

When they want
to make someone a saint,

they have to prove that
they led a good life

and that there are two miracles

that can be attributed to them
since they died.

My job is to prove
that they felt up kids

and parked in the handicap spaces,

and that the two miracles
are bullshit.

It's basically quality control.

And it's worked very well
for 400 years,

until old JP II abolished the office
in the '80s,

and then what do you think happened?

Eh... We made more saints?

Exactly.

We have canonised more people
in the past five years

than in the entire 19th century.

So, they have reinstated the office
and here I am...

..the ecclesiastical turd
in the swimming pool.

And I need help.

I need someone tenacious,
with a clear head and thick skin,

because we will not be popular.

Do you have doubts,
Celine, about your faith?

Yes.

Good, there is no faith
without doubt.

Next question. Do you smoke?

Have you ever tried?

Then how do you know
you won't like it?

It's so good
to see a friendly face!

You have no idea... OK,
here's the thing.

We may have a slight problem.

But I'm making bail, right?

You said if I cooperated
I'd make bail.

I know.

You said you could keep me
out of jail.

You said community service -

picking up trash
on the side of the road.

You said those things.

I'm a librarian.
I can't survive in here!

There's gangs. There's murderers.

There's a...

There's a woman who ate someone.

Rhonda, I am doing everything I can.

But I just met with the prosecutor
and he's playing hardball.

I don't understand.
He is refusing to plea bargain.

They're making an example of you,
to deter others.

The charge stands at treason.
He is seeking five to ten.

Months, right?

Years.

But nothing was stolen!
Nothing leaked.

They don't care, Rhonda.

Look at me, what is a black hat?

What's VPN pivoting?

SQL injecting?

What's a rootkit?

Rhonda, what's PowerPoint?

You really expect me
to believe that you hacked the NSA,

that you got past the toughest
cybersecurity on Earth?

Yeah!

Rhonda, help me to help you, please!

Look, I know you're
covering for your son.

And that's very noble,
but it's very misguided.

They're throwing the book at you

and they can't throw it very hard
at a 14-year-old.

I know it was Spike.

It was me.

All me.

OK, well, there's one more thing.

In your absence,

the court awarded custody of your son
to his father,

his biological father.

No, that man has done nothing
for my son his whole life!

My husband is Spike's dad.

But your husband is very ill.

He's in no state to take care
of a minor and you're in here.

That's time.

No, wait, please.
OK, you have to get me out of here!

I know, Rhonda, I am trying
all I can. Just stay safe.

Don't do anything dumb.

Don't antagonise anyone.

Hey, did you hear about
that poor cow in the States,

the librarian?

Somehow she hacks the NSA, right?

20 minutes she's in the system -
stole nothing, leaked nothing.

She faces five to ten years
on principle.

Where are you going with this?

Well, Deus Ex hacked the White House
and the Pentagon.

They leaked thousands of files.

If they did that to her,

just imagine what the Americans
are going to do to you

when you're extradited.

But it's not me.
Yeah, except that it is.

And I can prove it. How?

Six weeks ago, Interpol learned
that TheWhiteHorse was in Moscow.

They just missed him

but they did manage to get some DNA
of a wine glass that he used.

And guess who came up as a match.

I've never been to Moscow!

And yet your DNA has.
How do you explain that, Professor?

I don't suppose there's any chance
that you have a twin?

No.

Oh, bugger,
that really would have helped.

Hello?

Spike, honey, it's me.
Mom, are you OK? I'm fine,

it's all fine.

Don't you worry.
The people here are...lovely.

It should be me in there, not you.
Honey, remember that talk we had.

It's all gone to shit anyway,
Mom. They're taking me away.

But it's only temporary.
I'm getting out soon, I promise.

It's all going to be OK.

I know you don't know
your real dad but...

he's not so bad.

You always said he was an asshole.

Well, yeah.

But people change, you know?

Did they tell you where
he's living now?

These dicks don't tell me anything.
It's going to be fine.

My lawyer's on it and...

Oh, my money's running out.

Listen to me,
I'm coming home. I promise.

I love you so much. I...

Hi, this is Rhonda McNeil,
can I speak with my husband, please?

I'm afraid he's asleep right now.
The doctor wants him to rest.

He had chemo this morning.

I understand but
I really need to speak with him.

I am sorry, it's not a good time.
Try him again tonight.

No, I can't try tonight because
this is my last coin, see? I...

About eight, OK? Thank you. No...

Here you are.

Let's find out all there is to know
about Sister Celine.

Entered the convent
straight out of school and...

been there ever since. And...

That's it.

Ooh, is this you?

Oh, you were so fat!

Yeah, well, now I get it.
Now it makes perfect sense.

Bullied at school,

you wanted the boys to look at you
and none of them did

so you turned to the one man who
would always love you as you are.

And look at you now.

A decade of convent living
under your belt and,

that belt has tightened.

The boys look at you
now, don't they?

And in your head is a voice saying,

"Maybe I made a mistake.

"I could have had someone.

"Been loved.

"Made love."

And there is another voice, saying,

"Don't be stupid,
this is your life.

"Out there, you have nothing."

And both of those voices are yours,
aren't they?

Neither one is God's.

So, is it faith keeping you with us

or cowardice?

And the waterworks!
How predictable.

I'm just tired. I had a long week.

Oh, too tired to defend yourself?

Sister Celine - tenacity,
a thick skin.

Look, you've never lived.

How can you possibly have
any insight into human nature -

the desperation that people feel,

the lies that they tell
because of it?

Have you ever been
hungry, addicted, broke?

What, and you have?

Yes.

I've made mistakes
and I've learned from them.

But you know nothing.

This has been...
a profound waste of time.

Another one bites the dust.

I'm not surprised.

I really can't see how
a woman could... Shut up.

Come on.

Come on!

Sister Celine.

Is there something
that you want to add?

I would have been good at this job.

Was that the best you could do?

You think you can just rip me apart
to amuse yourself?

Because I am easy target?

My English is not so good but
I know the word for that - asshole.

Oh, get back in your closet.

As for you, the smoking,
the swearing, all such a pose.

Like a child who needs attention.

"Oh, look at me,
aren't I different?"

But you are not.

You think you are a rebel but
you're just another sad little man

who touches his penis too much.

That's better.

I like it, it's spunky.

When can you start?

So that's it, you're just going to
go back to the convent?

You don't want to see the world?

Not with you, no.
I don't believe you.

Look, I think you have backed
yourself into a corner.

So think about it, pray on it.

Why don't you see
what the big fella wants?

I mean, you have met him, right?

Does he seem like a criminal
mastermind to you? I mean, really?

Can we just go through the dates?
Thursday the 9th, evening.

Right, Thursday is bowling.

We're in a league.
The 9th was...

Ah, yeah, our famous victory
over the Bowling Stones.

I do a ball-by-ball
tweet commentary,

with, like, photos and...

There's the old boy.

So you'll vouch he was with you?

Oh, don't just take my word for it,
ask the boys.

Miami Tony, Jazz...
All right, I get the gist.

Oh, by the way,
did you get a mugshot of him?

If so, could I get a copy of that?

Cos I'd love to get
some T-shirts made.

See, now, I would not be standing
out here alone if I was you.

Oh, yeah, don't tell me - this is
your special white power rail.

You don't like me but I'm going to
tell you something anyway.

In this place,
it is all about front.

You act like a victim,
you will be a victim.

You act like a crazy bitch...

I mean, why do you think
I got this thing?

So you're not
a white supremacist?

No, I am,

I just ain't dumb enough
to think this is a good look.

You need to get into the VIF.

It's the
Vulnerable Inmates Facility.

It's a little bit less...
intense kind of experience.

How do I get in there?

The two most popular ways is
getting stabbed or getting pregnant.

I don't want you to stab me.

Girl, I ain't offering to stab you.

I can get you pregnant, though.

That's nine months in there,
just for starters.

Plus, another 18 months
for tit feeding and baby bonding

and whatnot.

That's over two years of safety,
Rhonda.

How are you going to
get me pregnant?

I can get you semen.

For the right price,
I can get you good, strong semen.

You see, I got a little arrangement
for the importation of goods.

My grammy comes and visits me
once a week

and, I mean, they search her and all

but they don't go up her ass

on account of respect
for the elderly and all that crap.

I get it. That's the scam, right?

You beat people up and then
you offer them safety for a price?

Just leave me alone.

I didn't order that hit, hon!

Oh, where are you going?
I was trying to help!

Tell me about your wife, Jamie.
Tell me about Layla.

Why? "Why?"

Because this is an interrogation
and I'm asking you.

She disappeared, right?

We were at Heathrow, we'd just
flown back from our honeymoon.

We'd been married for two weeks.

I went to get the car,
she went to get coffee...

..I drove around to pick her up
and she wasn't there.

And I never found her.
She just disappeared.

Christ.

Gone, just like that, into thin air.

Pfff. Is she alive? Is she dead?

Seven years and no answers.

I mean,
how do you move on from that?

You don't.

No, I saw those videos you made.

Well, not all of them, obviously.

There must have been about,
what, 2,000?

I've got to hand it to you, though,

I don't know why you are doing it
but as cover stories go,

you are very thorough.

I don't understand.

No, that's what I'm saying,
neither do I.

I mean, what sort of person

pretends that his wife
has been missing for seven years?

And the Oscar goes to...

Jamie Winton.

There she is, alive and well.

Oh, and who's that with her?

She's my wife!

I have a right to know!

Well, you broke him.

Didn't learn much, though, did we?

Except A, he's not acting,
and B, he's got a watertight alibi.

It wasn't him in Moscow.

Go on.

OK, we're dropping the charges.
You're free to go. It's about time.

Come on, Jamie, let's go.

I'm not leaving.

I want the photo and I want to know
everything you know

about who she's with, cos
it isn't me.

Give me the photo.
I'm sorry,

but it's evidence
in an ongoing investigation.

I am not at liberty
to discuss it with you.

I have been looking for seven years.
I have a right to know!

I am sorry, Jamie.

Really, I am.

Come on, Jamie, let's get you home.

In other news,

the Attorney General
provoked controversy today

by confirming he would seek the
maximum sentence for Rhonda McNeil.

Civil liberties groups
criticised the decision,

arguing the punishment was
disproportionate to McNeil's crime.

McNeil now faces five to ten years
in a maximum security prison,

despite stealing nothing...

Girl, you need to sack that stylist!

Her lawyer said today
that McNeil would...

Hold on one second.

We are interrupting to go
live to the White House,

for an emergency statement
from the president.

My fellow Americans,

three days ago
the Hubble space telescope

detected an unusually large comet
in our solar system.

Since then, scientists have been
working around the clock

to plot its trajectory.

The comet was first
identified in the 1980s

and did not pose
any threat to Earth.

However, it appears that
at some point in the last few weeks,

in the light of the other...

'Is this some kind of test, Lord?

'If you want me to do the job,
why make me work with him?

'Or is that the point?

'Why did you have to
make this so difficult?

'Just tell me, please.'

Oh, thank God.
I've been worried sick!

What the hell was all that about?

Honestly, I wish I knew.

So they've dropped the charges?

Jamie?

What is it, are you all right?
Layla's alive.

Layla?

What's Layla got to do with this?

And it seems there's another me.

What are you talking about?

He looks just like me.
We've got the same DNA.

Mum, what aren't you telling me?

Oh, mate, turn on the TV.
Not now, Dave.

No, now, you need to see this.

The collision knocked
the comet off course

and onto a new trajectory.

It is with great sadness
that I must tell you

that the comet is now on a direct
collision course with Earth.

It will strike us
in just 34 days' time.

The comet is eight miles wide and
will hit us travelling at a speed

of approximately
27 miles per second.

Current indications are that
it will impact Earth

somewhere on the eastern Atlantic,
off the coast of Europe.

'Just give me a sign

'like you used to do
with the burning bushes.'

'Something clear and unav...'

They have checked
and rechecked their findings...

..all the data
points to the same conclusion,

that this will be an ELE -

an Extinction Level Event.

The burning bush.

I would like to appeal for calm.

The situation will not get easier
if we panic.

I assure you,
the United States government

is doing everything it possibly can
to affect the situation,

and I will let you know
as soon as I have more information.

Hey, are you watching this?

Sit back down!

Open the goddamn door,
I'm not going to die in this freezer!

This is genuine,
this is not a hoax.

We have just 34 days left.

God, what do we do now?

I don't know about you two

but I am going to get
absolutely hammered.

We can go to the weather here,
but...where's Jane?

Has Jane gone?

She's gone.

You didn't answer my question.

Do I have a twin?

I don't know. Maybe.

"Maybe"?!

What do you mean, "maybe"?

You're adopted, Jamie.

You were found in a shoebox
in a car park.

You were tiny, a few hours old.

And I adopted you and I meant to
tell you, I promise I did.

But it's just the older you got,
there just never seemed a good time.

And this...

This is a good time?!

It is my birthday
and the world is ending.

I'm sorry.

Jamie, I'm sorry. Jamie!

Hello?

Where's that music coming from?

OK, call for backup. Now!

I can't, the line is dead.

OK, screw this.

Hey! Hey!

Isn't it wonderful?

He's coming, Sister!
He's actually coming!

Celine!

Every crackpot in the world is
about to come out of the woodwork

and prey on the scared and the weak.

Fake prophets,
bullshit miracles -

the world needs sceptics
now more than ever.

Are you in or out?

In.

Attention, prisoners,

this facility is no longer under
the control of the authorities.

Please take a moment to
locate your nearest exit,

then run, my pretties, run.

I just found out I'm adopted.

OK, and?

So it's possible I have a twin
I didn't know about.

I could maybe lead you to him.

I could say I want to meet
and wear a wire or something.

You finding him
is my best chance of finding her.

Please, let me help
with your investigation!

Jamie, turn your TV on.

There's not going to be
an investigation.

Who gives a toss about cybercrime?

It's over.

What the hell.

Here, have it.

Moscow, six weeks ago,
Thursday the 9th.

That's all I know.

If you want answers, you're going
to have to find them yourself.

Good luck.

On behalf of
the American penal system,

I'd like to thank you
for your stay.

If you've enjoyed your time here,

do please recommend us
to your friends.

Rhonda, get in!

Who the hell are you?

A big fan of your work. Get in.

I'm coming too!

No, drive!

Hey, what's with the Nazi?
This wasn't the plan.

The plan just changed. Drive.

We wish you
a pleasant future,

however short that may be.

And if I may, I'd just like to say
the words "penal system"

over a loudspeaker again.

OK, who's for birthday cake?

'And that was how it started.

'That was the day our old lives ended
and our new lives began.

'34 days ago.

'It feels like a lifetime.

'Back then, we were hurtling through
the universe on our separate paths.

'And then boom...

'..somehow we all collided.

'There's 15 of us in here.

'But why us?

'I mean, we are hardly the A Team,
are we?

'So is this just luck
or something bigger?

'Fate, destiny?

'I mean, are we the chosen ones?

'God, I sound like such
a penis for saying that,

'but still, after everything
that's happened,

'how else do you explain it?'

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