Original subtitles

As all of you know, Dr. Prescott, Dr. Lazaar and myself

have, for the past ten months, been engaged in Project X.Y.Z.

Each of us was working on a separate phase of the project

under a security system only you who serve and protect

our mighty nation so admirably are capable of devising.

It was to take the sum total of our combined knowledge to ever implement Project X.Y.Z.

But, in spite of your ingenuity, a combination of our general knowledge alone

was enough for us to realize that we had developed

a... terrible weapon--

a weapon that would escalate the current arms race

to nightmare proportions.

And so, upon discovering the true dimensions

of our unconscionable task, we burned every note,

every equation, every trace of our work.

( voice becomes robotic ): Gentlemen, we have destroyed the X.Y.Z. nightmare.

Destroyed the X.Y.Z. nightmare.

We have destroyed the X.Y.Z. nightmare.

Destroyed the X.Y.Z. nightmare.

Destroyed the X... Y... Z...

night... mare.

( voice slows ) Destroyed... the X... Y...

Z... night... mare.

Destroyed... the...

X... Y... Z...

night... mare...

( gasps )

It's an android.

* Wonder Woman *

* Wonder Woman *

( thunderclap )

* Wonder Woman *

* Get us out from under, Wonder Woman *

* Wonder Woman *

* Wonder Woman *

That's Dr. Royce Tobias. That's the day he signed on my project.

Mm-hmm.

That's Dr. Royce Tobias yesterday morning. You're kidding.

What's left of an intricately-built human robot. Ooh...

Somewhere along the line the real doctor was replaced by an android,

and now he and all he knows about Project X.Y.Z. are missing.

You said it would take all three scientists

to develop the X.Y.Z. Weapon, is that right?

Yeah. That's small consolation.

Then there's no possibility at all that the other two scientists might short-circuit?

No.

Prescott and Lazaar are still flesh and blood.

We've gotta make sure that they stay that way.

When did they abort the project? Two days ago.

They came and told me right after they burned their notes.

So then, if they were working right up until that time

Tobias had to have been replaced after X.Y.Z. was aborted, right?

That's right. The first thing we've to do

is find when the switch was made.

I think I'll start at Tobias' laboratory--

see if I can find anything.

Alright. Good.

Well, Diana, looks like we'll be seeing quite a lot of each other.

Well, yeah. I guess the more I find out the more questions I'll have for you, Dex.

Why don't you plan on asking me some of those questions

over dinner one of these evenings?

More likely I'll be, uh...

asking them over the telephone.

Hey, Dex. Remember what I used to tell you in college?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Confine your passes to the football field."

DIANA: Thank you very much. I'll close the door behind me.

( door closes )

Lady... you stay right where you are and don't move.

You understand? You stay right there.

That's just fine.

( thunderclap )

Gotten enough exercise?

Now, in 50 words or less tell me why you were in that laboratory.

No, I can't. You have to.

You can't lie. I... I can't.

I can't.

I...

can't.

I... can't.

( circuits buzzing with static )

( whooshing hiss )

( gurgling )

Whatever you were programmed for, I guess it wasn't for truth.

Dr. Prescott was none too happy

with his new living arrangements.

Lazaar had some colorful phrases

about the security arrangements where he is, too.

I'll bet. Well, we've got guards at every entrance, every elevator

and at their rooms in both buildings.

They may not be happy, but they're safe. Good.

( buzzing )

( buzzing continues )

Trevor. Yeah, Steve, it's... it's Diana.

Listen, I'm at Dr. Tobias', and when I got here, I wasn't alone.

I was greeted by another android. What happened?

Well, let's just say that he... broke down under pressure.

Are you alright?

Well, I'm fine, but, uh, I'd like to know

why I'm standing in a physicist's laboratory

looking at a battalion of toy soldiers.

Just a second.

Diana found some toy soldiers at Tobias' apartment.

Does he have, uh, some kind of a hobby?

Well, all three scientists play war games

with miniature soldiers for relaxation.

Aha. Did you hear that, Diana?

Yes.

I guess only geniuses can play with toys

when they're over 50 and get away with it.

Right. You let us know if you find anything else, will you?

Right.

( engine starts )

( gunfire on TV )

( turns off TV )

This is torture.

( sighs )

( knocking )

Yes? Yes? Dr. Prescott?

It's not as if I could have gone anywhere.

Have you been expecting these?

Somebody just brought them by for you.

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, my good man.

Thank you so much. Thank you. ( laughs )

Yes, now, Dr. Lazaar, we shall see just

who should have won the Battle of Chateau Thierry.

Yes, indeed. I'll position them here...

( skittering )

( yapping )

( yapping continues )

Ow!

( yapping continues )

Now, I'll put this here for the moment,

and, oh, you know a place... look at that.

And this one-- this cannon-- here... yes...

here, that here...

I get some positioning on this. I told Lazaar not to move his men up so quickly.

They'll be moved out of position. This infantry here...

Here...

Ow! What...?

What is the...?

( phone rings )

( moans softly )

( ringing continues )

MAN: Hello, Dr. Prescott.

You're going to do exactly what I tell you to.

Now, listen...

( yapping )

( yapping continues )

( "Joy to the World" plays )

( music continues faintly )

Ah...

that is good, good, good.

And you, Fred, you're a little noisy, but very smart.

And you... you have all these friends to meet, so much to do.

( doorbell chimes ) Ooh...

Just when I was going to introduce all of you.

( sighs )

Keep an eye on them, will you?

Ah...

and you with that flirty smile, you take care of all the introductions

and make sure he feels at home. Mama, Mama...

Mama... Mama...

Mama, Mama...

( mechanical chattering )

( doorbell chimes ) Yes. Coming. Coming.

( sighs )

Hello.

Here, come.

I have another guest, eh?

Ah...

Let me see. Let me see.

Up.

Mine is better. Mine are always better.

Put it in that cage.

Coochie-coochie!

So, the android that Diana ran into

was supposed to retrieve something from the laboratory? A reasonable deduction.

It was probably sent to find and remove a clue to Dr. Tobias' disappearance.

Yeah, well, I wish I could advise you that we've identified that clue, but...

No need to explain. I am well acquainted with human fallibility.

May I make a suggestion?

Of course. That's why I keep you well oiled.

According to data just received the key to Dr. Tobias' disappearance

would seem to lie with the place where he spent most of his time.

Right. Therefore, I suggest you carefully examine

the present domicile of the two remaining scientists.

Aha. I'm one step ahead of you, IRA.

Diana's already on her way to Prescott's for that very reason.

Oh. I'll give you a chance to make another suggestion.

Do not do me any favors. ( laughs )

It's almost Christmas. Affirmative.

Alright, I want to buy Diana a present

but I don't know what to get her.

With everything you know about her what would you suggest?

I suggest you talk to Wonder Woman.

You're a big help.

( tapping )

DIANA: Dr. Prescott?

Oh, um, yes, um, come in, come in.

I'm Diana Prince from the I.A.D.C.

Don't care if you're from I.A.D.C. or F.D.I.C.

Can't tell you how happy I am to have company. Such lovely company.

Thank you very much. Come...

I wanna ask some questions.

Sit down. We'll have a lovely chat.

I really can't stay... Yes, you can.

I wanna ask some questions. Would you like some tea?

I don't... Please, please, please.

Doctor, all I want to find out

is when the android switched places

with Dr. Tobias so the X.Y.Z. Weapon...

Plenty of time for questions later.

...won't fall into the wrong hands.

I'll have some tea.

First, we'll turn on the burner.

A little water.

Perhaps a cookie, huh? This is going to be very nice.

Doctor... Yes?

Isn't this a strange hobby for the three of you?

What? Oh, no, no.

You see, battle strategy-- actually, the art of it-- is fascinating.

But you aborted the Project X.Y.Z.?

Ah... but that's quite another matter, you see.

We felt that war should be kept on the level of fantasy...

unlike our superiors.

Ah! But now, I have a little mint.

No, no. Perhaps a little orange pekoe.

No. I don't want anything.

I know you'll love this. Doctor...

A little cinnamon with... Listen to me.

I don't have time for tea. No one has time for tea.

Okay, let's get down to brass tacks.

After you burned your notes on the project

did Dr. Tobias go anywhere with anyone unusual?

I have already answered these questions, and I...

No. But a robot can't just switch places

with someone without...

Doctor.

My, uh, tolerance for pain is astonishing, isn't it?

It's remarkable. That burner's red-hot.

Prescott's been replaced by an android? That's right.

I had him taken to Valley Medical,

and the doctors there definitely confirmed it.

But how? How could that happen?

The guards in and around Prescott's apartment have no idea.

They swear that Prescott never left

that he had no visitors and that he did absolutely nothing unusual.

Yet somebody was able to make the switch.

Wait till Dex hears about this.

In any event, I'm going to have Dr. Lazaar checked out.

I'm going there now. He's the only one

between somebody and the X.Y.Z. Weapon.

Steve, if he's still flesh and blood

it means that either he's next in line to be replaced by an android

or he's the one that's doing the replacing.

If he isn't flesh and blood the consequences are unthinkable.

There still is one more thing I intend to look into.

I'll call you later.

( door opens )

Well? I must say,

this has been one of my more unusual house calls.

I've checked people for colds, flu, virus

but never for not being human.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're the only one that hasn't been replaced with an android.

The nightmare just goes on and on.

Security will have to be tightened.

It may mean moving you again.

Just make it end, young lady. Just make it end.

Then you will understand that, since you are the only one left

there's another course of the investigation that I have to take.

Oh, of course. You'll have to inquire as to whether I'm the one

putting the X.Y.Z. Weapon together. That's right.

You'll check out my friends, see if I have any questionable ties with foreign countries.

Oh, and look for evidence that I'm under some great financial strain, huh?

It has to be done. Understood.

But let me point out right now, it'll prove fruitless.

I'm responsible for what's happened

only in so far as, ten months ago

I agreed to work for Dexter in this awful undertaking.

Where did you get these? Soldiers?

In a toy shop in Georgetown.

On Blakely Street.

( "Jingle Bells" playing )

( bells ring )

( bells ring )

* Merry Christmas and Happy New Year *

MAN: May I help you?

I thought you were one of the dolls.

Did you?

I must be quiet on purpose for this one.

It's nap time. Shh!

Oh, she's cute. Ah, you like.

Maybe I can show you a doll?

No, I'm interested in, uh, toy soldiers.

I have something.

Something that will light up

your child's eyes like two moons.

No, actually... Look...

I'm interested in the miniature kind.

Miniature troops? Miniature troops.

Tinker Town Troops. That's a brand name.

I saw some World War I models.

Why would such a pretty woman like you

take up such a morbid pastime?

They're not for me. They're for a friend of mine, for Christmas.

He studies Von Clausewitz as a hobby.

No miniature troops. Perhaps the shop on Maple?

You don't carry them? Nope.

I was told you did. No, no, you try the shop on Maple,

just north of Third Street.

Okay. Thank you. Oh, and Missy...

at this time of year old man like me gets tired

and sometimes very rude.

Maybe you accept this gift

for your dashboard in your car

and perhaps forgive a tired old man?

Alright. Thank you very much, and Merry Christmas.

The same to you.

( whispers ): Bye.

( bells ring )

( "Jingle Bells" plays )

Ah... ah, my friends, did you hear that?

She is a lady agent. She's got to be stopped.

Ah, my love.

( beeping )

At last, your first voyage. Your maiden voyage.

For it is a maiden that you shall be destroying.

( beeping )

( buzzing )

( buzzing overhead )

( tires squealing )

( bombs whistle, explode )

( strafing )

( thunderclap )

( motor falters )

( beeping )

( beeping faster )

( beeping faster and faster )

( beeping rapidly )

Tired old man, my eye.

Yes, you will be my most perfect.

The creme de la creme de la creme.

Now turn around.

It's because of you, my love

all of my friends and I will be happy for a long, long time.

Now, let me see that great big smile, hmm?

Mm-hmm. Now, let me get this straight.

You were strafed by a model airplane?

That's right. There's a tree out on County Line Road

with enough holes in it to prove it.

What's the name of this toy maker? We'll have him checked out.

Orlich Hoffman, and he runs the Jungle King Shop on Blakely.

( door rattles )

Steve?

Dr. Lazaar is gone. Gone?

He's not in the safe house we arranged.

Uh, it's alright. I had him moved. You what?

Well, it was obvious to me that, after we lost Dr. Prescott

that our security measures were a little inadequate,

so I had him moved.

Yeah. Good work, Diana. Where is he now?

He's out of any and all possible danger.

But exactly where is he?

I would just as soon spare you the burdensome details, Dex.

Diana's right. The fewer people that know, the better.

Including you and me.

I don't know. How can we be sure

that her safety precautions are going to be tight enough?

We'll just have to trust her.

Steve, Project X.Y.Z. was mine.

If anything goes wrong the whole world will blame me.

Not her. Me! Hey, relax, Dex. Trust her.

Like I told you before, she's the best.

I see.

This list contains the date and nature of all informational transactions

concerning Major Dexter that I have made. In code, of course.

So, you can tell me if anything has ever been added or deleted from your memory banks?

Affirmative. Well, has anything ever been deleted?

Coded item E4F87 indicates a name was deleted

from his list of associates in August of last year.

Can you tell me the name? Negative.

It has been erased from my memory.

Well, can you tell me where it used to be on the list?

The name was positioned between the names Henderson, Michael T.

And Ingels, Barbara A.

Between "H" and "I". Hoffman.

It could have been Hoffman's name that was removed from the list.

A sound deduction. The name fits into the alphabetical sequence.

Dexter. Dexter wanted to remove any connection

between himself and that toy maker.

He's been behind it all along.

Thank you very much, IRA. Thank you, Miss Prince.

Merry Christmas, IRA. And a Merry Christmas to you.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho... ho... ho.

( mewing )

She got away from my plane.

Well, it's just as well.

She's the only one who knows where Lazaar is.

We need her alive, and fast.

Well, then, let's get her back like we planned.

No. No?

I need a guarantee this time.

Your oversized dolls don't exactly have a flawless performance record.

But they get better. I don't want better.

I want perfect! And I want that guarantee.

If anything goes wrong, I'll personally...

Nothing will go wrong.

I'm this far, Hoffman.

I have been shining my shoes like a good boy

and saying, "yes, sir" and "no, sir"

to a bunch of idiots in uniform for 15 years

waiting for something like X.Y.Z. to come along. I'm this far from making it.

I know, I know. This far!

From never having to sweat or worry or take orders

or put up with anybody's stupidity ever again.

And I'm depending on you.

And you can and you should.

You're the one human being who believed in me and what my toys could do.

You can depend on us, hmm?

Alright.

We'll pick up Dr. Lazaar in the morning.

And then we'll ship him out with the other two doctors

and send them to my buyer out of the country.

And then we'll reap the rewards of Project X.Y.Z.

We won't let you down. That's right, you won't.

Because if you do, you won't be alive.

( dials phone )

Get ready.

( moans )

( phone rings )

Hello. Hello? Diana, this is Dexter.

I have some wonderful news for you.

I have found somebody who knows the whereabouts

of Dr. Tobias and Dr. Prescott. Really?

Yes. I'd like you to meet this person at midnight

at the southwest corner of Perry Park.

Well, I'm going to have to clear this with Steve, you know.

Listen, I'll save you a dime. Steve's right here.

STEVE'S VOICE: Diana? There's no time to explain.

Just be at the park in 20 minutes, like Dex said.

Call me when you have Tobias and Prescott, okay?

Uh, uh...

* *

Hello, Diana.

Hello...

Wonder Woman.

You've been, uh, working on the X.Y.Z. case all along?

Yes. From the moment Dr. Tobias disappeared,

I knew that the safety of the entire world was at stake.

And you found the doctors?

Yes. In the basement of that toy shop.

Let's go. Anything you say.

Well, Diana, this is your little night

for surprises, isn't it?

Not really.

Oh, come now. Don't tell me

I was high on your hit parade of suspects all along?

Let's just say that I wasn't blinded by faith

the way Steve was.

Yes, I always say there's nothing like

a good friend-- right, Orlich?

Yes. One could always use a good friend.

Absolutely.

Now, Diana,

where is Dr. Lazaar?

You can't possibly believe I'd tell you?

No, I don't.

Orlich.

ORLICH: My good friend.

My good friend.

Yes...

( "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" plays )

( bell rings )

( sighs )

Now, Diana...

you can't help but tell me

where you have hidden the good Dr. Lazaar.

Where is he?

Oh, I can't.

He's the only one left.

Diana, where is Dr. Lazaar?

Where did you arrange to have him held?

My apartment.

Um... 410 in the Spruce Building.

Under what kind of guard?

Um...

one plainclothesman at the door...

a guard at the elevator...

armed, both of them.

And two cars circling all the time.

Uh, Diana?

Was there a password?

Yes. The guard at the door...

it's "alphabet soup."

( laughs )

"Alphabet soup."

Any other safety precautions?

No, no, no. Simpler the better.

How thoughtful.

( sighs )

Go to sleep now, Diana.

Have a nice long nap.

Make sure she stays under.

I'm going to get Lazaar.

Orlich, I want you to load up Tobias

and Prescott, get them into the van.

Meet me at the dam at precisely 11:00.

You got that? 11:00.

The lady... she was not in our plans.

Oh, you don't have to worry about her.

After we're all through,

we'll find Sleeping Beauty a nice quiet place

where she can just go right on sleeping... forever.

Lock the door.

Good morning.

Uh... I wonder if I might be able to interest you

in a bowl of alphabet soup?

Yes, sir, come in, please.

( "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" plays )

( groaning )

It is almost 11:00.

We have to get them loaded and on our way.

Come.

( groaning )

At this rate, we'll never get him

out of the basement, let alone the country.

Ah, I did pretty well giving you strength

but not too good when it comes

to showing respect for your elders.

* *

( thunderclap )

( mechanical skittering )

Yes, only to get Dr. Tobias, and we should be on our way.

What's this?

What?

( train tooting )

Hey...

Oh, Mommy, oh, Mommy.

( chattering )

( clapping )

You should've stuck to the toys

you were best at, Mr. Hoffman--

the harmless ones.

Stop her.

( mechanical pattering and skittering )

( train tooting )

( chattering )

( cackling )

( train tooting )

Well, what do you do now?

I'm going to get Dr. Tobias.

It's almost 11:00.

Right. Good, good.

I go warm up the van.

* *

Dexter.

You're late.

We were unavoidably detained by Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman?

Yes. She attempted to foil our efforts.

You stupid fool! What happened?

She failed.

As you can see, we are here.

Now, the two doctors

are in the back of the van.

You have Dr. Lazaar? Yes, yes. He's in the car.

We've got to reunite the three, send them out of the country

and we will be rich men.

Get Lazaar.

My dear.

A pleasure.

( sighs )

You know something, Orlich? Most of your androids

I can tell them from the real thing.

Nonsense, my boy... nonsense.

No, I can, I really can. Nobody else can.

But I know your dolls from the real thing,

and I want to tell you something:

This one looks like the real thing.

I told you, they get better.

This one's perfect.

She fools even you.

Don't count on it.

Am I to carry Dr. Lazaar all of the way

out of the country, or do you want him in the van?

Ah, see?

She even has a sense of humor.

"Am I to carry...?"

( sighs )

( chuckles )

Get back, Hoffman.

What are you doing?

If she's one of your androids, you can rebuild her.

But if she's not...

No...!

No!

( engine humming )

WONDER WOMAN: Dexter...

the disadvantage of rear-wheel drive.

She was here last night, and no one's seen her since.

Well, of course I'm concerned.

Why she's... she's...

she's standing right here.

I'll call you later.

Sorry, but I would have called in. I couldn't.

I found the missing scientists.

Tobias and Prescott?

And Lazaar.

Wonder Woman got to them

just before they were shipped out of the country.

By whom? Who's behind all this?

Major Dexter.

Dex?

Yes, with the help of the little toy maker, Hoffman.

They were about to sell

the X.Y.Z. Weapon to a foreign country.

Wonder Woman has them both under wraps.

I'll call the police.

No. Wait a minute.

She suggested that we let them think their plan worked.

What?

She used her golden lasso

to make them forget they were caught.

Now it's our turn to replace the scientists with androids.

You mean, let them ship

fake scientists out of the country?

Arresting Dexter and Hoffman

would only publicize this whole thing.

And the more people that know about it

the greater the chances are that someone else will try it.

Yeah, well, that way everybody would get--

or everybody would think they'd be getting--

exactly what they wanted.

Right. And the X.Y.Z. Weapon can finally be forgotten

once and for all.

Wonder Woman's right again, as usual.

Well, let's get started.

Everything's all set.

Uh, Hoffman happened to store extra androids

of the scientists in the basement of his toy shop.

They're already at the dam.

And the real scientists?

Safe and sound at Valley Medical.

What do you say we get a ringside seat?

Let's do.

Thank you.

Shall we?

They think everything is going as planned.

I wonder what whoever bought the weapon

will do when they find out

That they paid for three androids?

Who wouldn't know Project X.Y.Z. from a science fair project.

I'd say they'd be furious.

They'll see to it that Hoffman and Dex

get just what they deserve.

( grunting )

Whew!

( both chuckling )

It's always tough learning who the people are

you can really trust.

Yeah, but I'll tell you something, Diana.

It's a really good feeling to know

that there are people you can trust-- Wonder Woman.

That's one person who will never let me down.

I'd say you're right about that.

Which reminds me... excuse me.

( "Deck the Halls" playing )

( "Deck the Halls" fades out )

* Wonder Woman *

* Here to fight the force of evil *

* And your chance won't be denied *

* Woman of the hour with your super power *

* We're so glad you're on our side! *

* Wonder Woman! *

* You're a wonder, Wonder Woman! *