Original subtitles

You made such a romantic fire.

There's just one problem with it.

What's that, baby?

I'm freezing, baby.

Oh, baby, come on. Here you go.

Does that get you a little bit warmer?

Yeah.

Yeah. Huh? What about this? Huh?

Ooh. That gets me kind of hot right there.

Yeah, well, you know,

I find when I get hot, I like to take off my pants.

Oh. You know what?

The luckiest day of my life was when I got drunk,

blacked out, and woke up married to you.

Hey, so, what do you say we go upstairs and finally...

Do what married people do?

Or we could have sex.

Whoo!

Oh, wait.

- What? - TV.

TV, what?

TV on.

Aha.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, look.

That looks just like

the Elvis impersonator that married us.

This Elvis impersonator turned out

to be nothing but a hound dog,

as hundreds of couples discovered

they're not legally married.

Oh, my God.

The Elvis impersonator that married us

is really an impersonator impersonator.

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of funny, huh?

I mean, we thought we were married,

but we're really not married.

That's not funny.

We thought we were married, but we're not married.

What's that mean?

Well, it means we were living in sin.

But without the sin.

So come on.

Okay. Okay.

Honey, that changes everything.

See, 'cause you've been living here

for the last six months

'cause you thought we were married,

but we're not married.

So you can go.

Well, that shut me up.

Honey, look,

tomorrow when we go to meet my brothers,

we will stop at City Hall. We will get married.

And then we will be married

for the rest of our lives, okay.

Really?

Really.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Come here.

Oh, wait. What are you doing? Put me down.

Oh, what now?

It's the night before our wedding.

It's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other.

We'll do it in the dark!

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So, I've been thinking about this whole Vince/me/Robyn thing.

Thinking, obsessing.

Being the prettiest girl I know.

So, I was thinking

that maybe I broke up with Vince too fast.

So what if he doesn't believe Robyn is Satan?

I can see how he might have thought

I was being a little crazy and insecure.

But you said you could never be

with anybody who didn't believe you.

I know, but I love him.

And, just, I keep thinking about his sad face

and my sad face.

Oh, why should we both be so sad?

Gary!

He's just masking the pain, Tina.

It's part of the grieving process.

Dance with me, now.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you doing?

- I'm doing pretty good. - Good.

Oh, don't be so modest.

The boy is doing better than good. He just sold a condo.

Really.

Yeah, I don't want to brag, but it was awesome.

They were like, "Here's our offer."

And we were like, "We accept."

Then we were like, "Sold."

And my boss was like, "Good job."

Oh, you're so happy.

That's because I'm so happy.

Oh, that's great.

I'm glad to see that you're not walking around all sad

after what happened with us.

You remember what happened with us, right?

Of course I remember.

Oh, and yet you're not sad.

Well, that's great.

I mean, 'cause neither am I -- sad, I mean.

I am so not sad!

Good.

Yeah, no, super.

I'm supergood.

So many super things are happening to me.

Like, oh, Val is meeting with Vic's family.

I'm pleased with my outfit.

Great.

You know, I really want you to be happy, Holly.

Well, then you got your wish.

All right. Well, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna take care of some,

you know, some superhappy stuff.

You be good.

Hey, hey. That went better than I thought.

You know, because the wounds are still so raw,

it could have went ugly.

But I'm glad I got my wingman back.

Hey, what do you say?

Tonight, you and me and a couple of hotties.

Hmm. I don't know, Gary.

Oh, come on, man. It's all good.

You're happy. She's happy. Everybody's happy.

I am so not happy.

I can't believe the state of New York

makes you wait 24 hours before they let you get married.

Why would they do that to us? Why us?

Okay, honey, the state of New York isn't against us.

They're against everybody. Okay?

Now, come on, I thought we agreed

we weren't gonna let this get you crazy.

You're right. I'm fine.

Can you believe they make you take a test?

Look at this -- "10 things you should know

about your partner before you get married."

Let's take it.

Uh, you know what, I don't think --

Number one.

Okay.

If your aging parents

become unable to care for themselves,

where will they live?

Uh, with my brother.

I would say with my sister.

Good. Okay. One for one.

Number two -- how many times a week

do you see yourself having sex?

Oh, uh...I'd say 30.

Again, on the same page.

I like this test.

Uh, let's see.

How do you want your child's life

to differ from your childhood?

Oh, wow.

Okay, let's see.

Well, I want them to have a lot of bathrooms

because one bathroom for six kids just sucks.

Wow. Six kids.

Ouch.

Oh, thank God we don't have to worry about that.

Why's that, baby?

'Cause this ain't having more than two.

What?

Oh, yeah. One, two, buckle my shoe.

Three, four -- ain't gonna happen.

Oh.

Okay.

What's the matter?

So you've decided how many kids without even discussing it.

Oh, we can discuss it.

I'm only having two kids. Now you talk.

Okay, see, Val, when I said discussion,

I meant you and I discuss it.

Okay, like I give a little, then you give a little.

You know, say I come down to five,

and then you come up to --

See you and your five kids and your new wife?

Come on. Having a big family is very important to me.

Hello? How do think I'm feeling over here?

Y-you're trying to make my lady part

into a t-tennis cannon.

Pow, pow, pow, pow.

Okay.

Then, you know what, we have a little problem.

I guess we do.

Yeah, I mean, if you hate children...

I don't hate children.

I'm not feeling too good about you right now.

Oh, come on, Holly. Snap out of it.

Yeah, you think you're the first gal

whose boyfriend has moved on without her

and doesn't seem to give a rat's ass?

Well, at least you have an ex-boyfriend to be upset about.

Yeah, I haven't had a boyfriend in over three years.

Yeah, but you've had other people's boyfriends.

Yeah, and you've had other people's husbands.

Yeah.

God. Look at us.

We are pathetic.

There's got to be more to life than men.

- I've got nothing. - Where are you going with this?

Okay, sistas, when was the last time we had a girls' night?

Sophomore year. Her name was Rene.

She looked like Martin Short.

Okay. 8:00 sharp.

My house. Chick flicks. Movie candy.

Naked wrestling.

Just tops.

You know, I would have been okay with everything.

Eh, you're a whore.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Holly Tyler.

Cute purse.

Oh, thank you, ma'am, but it's not mine.

It belongs to Holly Tyler.

Oh, my God. That's the purse the mugger stole?

Yes, no sign of the lip gloss,

but we've got our best man on it.

You're funny.

Thank you, ma'am.

It's not a crime to make you laugh.

I'm Tina. I'm Holly's friend.

Nice to meet you.

I interrogated Holly extensively,

but she said nothing about being friends

with the most beautiful girl in New York City.

So, listen, this might be a little forward of me,

but I thought, maybe --

Pick me up here. 8:00?

- I'll see you then. - Okay.

Hey. What is wrong with you?

You can't go out with him tonight.

Tonight is our "We have no men in our lives,

so we have to be with Holly" night.

Correction. You have no men in your life.

Well, I think your behavior is awful.

I can't even look at you right now.

Hey, Marcus.

What's the matter, muffin? You seem a little down.

It's that girl. She's so cold.

Our friend is deeply depressed,

so we made plans to have a girls' night tonight,

and that one just bails.

Oh. Damn, I was hoping you were free.

I came here to ask you out tonight.

I'm in. What time?

You know what?

I'm sorry I ever went down to five kids.

I want 19 kids... and 2 dogs.

And I don't even want two anymore.

In fact, I'm getting my tubes tied.

It's not like it's really gonna matter

because, apparently, we're never gonna do it.

Oh, God knows why. Look at you.

You are such an incredible turn-on right now.

Oh, yeah, and you should see you.

I mean, you're making me real hot, baby.

Real hot.

Oh, so you don't want to do it?

Oh, I'd still do it.

Now, are you gonna come meet my brothers?

No. What is the point?

Why bother memorizing all those names?

You're just gonna sit in the car the whole night?

Yes.

You want me to bring you a plate of ziti?

Do you know nothing of me?

I do not allow eating in my car.

I like Thelma so much better than Louise.

Don't you, Tina?

Lauren, can you believe her?

Tina, I'd like to speak to you.

Tina.

Tina! Come over here!

We are supposed to be having a girls' night.

We are supposed to be having fun,

laughing, watching a movie.

I'm having fun, and you're watching a movie.

This was supposed to be about not men.

You were supposed to help me get through my Vince thing.

I mean, God, you're my best friend.

When Rubin breaks up with you,

I'm gonna be your support system.

I'm sorry. You're right. I'm so selfish.

- I'll get rid of Rubin. - Thank you.

Okay, Rubin. I am so sorry,

but I am gonna have to say good night.

Val, you left me a message

telling me where you would be in case of an emergency,

and I'm having one.

I'm on my way.

Oh, oh, oh, muffin.

What is that?

I didn't think you should be out here alone.

No, that -- that red saucy stuff

on the plate in my car.

It's baked ziti. Okay. Come on.

You want a taste?

Aah, no, no!

Get that I-talian food out of my interior.

I told you, "No food in the car."

I'm sorry. What?

I couldn't hear you. I was chewing.

Oh, God, this is so good.

And I was so, so hungry.

I bet you're hungry, too.

But you know what, I understand.

You made a decision -- no eating in the car.

And once Val makes a decision, it's the law.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to compare the ziti

to the children situation.

Don't be ridiculous. I would never eat our children.

You see what he's doing?

He's cheating. He gets that from Ma.

Oh, you always complain every time we play.

Excuse me. Do you guys know Vic Meladeo?

Who's asking?

I'm Holly Tyler.

I'm looking for my sister, and she's married to Vic.

Well, sort of.

Hey, we're Vic's brothers.

Val's a little tied up with Vic right now,

but perhaps we can help.

Well, you're kind of family,

and two of you look a little like Vic.

God, I think I made a terrible mistake

breaking up with my boyfriend.

I thought that the drive over here would cheer me up,

but then my radio didn't work, and I ran over a bunny.

- Aw. - Aw. - Aw, a bunny?

Come on. I'm just asking you to bend the rules.

All right. Take one stinking bite.

Come on. Compromise, Val.

Come on. I'm Mr. Ziti. Eat me.

No, I can't.

I want to, but I can't, okay?

This is what I've been trying to tell you.

I can't compromise. I can't go with the flow.

I can't leave the DVD player running

if nobody's watching it.

I'm a mess.

I don't even know why you would want to marry me.

I was so happy for you

when I found out that we weren't married

because I thought, "Yay, Vic has an out! Ha ha!"

But you wouldn't go.

I even showed you my crazy, but that didn't work, either.

You still wanted to marry me.

You wanted to have six kids with me.

Are you insane?

Can you imagine six little mes running around?

Less and less.

I'm sorry. I really wanted us to work. I did.

But I tried to warn you.

Val, look, would you just stop it. Okay?

I'm not going anywhere.

All right? How could I? Come on.

We got 2 out of 10 right on that marriage pamphlet,

didn't we?

Yeah.

And that is a great foundation to build a marriage on.

And I don't believe that you can't compromise

or that you're not capable of change

because you said you would never eat in the car,

and look at what you're doing right now.

Oh, my God.

I'm eating I-talian in the car.

See? See? Honey, you can do anything.

I can. I can.

Oh, my God, baby. I just changed.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think maybe I could change other things,

like my premarital breakup fears

or my postmarital breakup fears?

Oh, maybe I can have three kids or maybe even four.

Oh, well, actually, I'm thinking

that two of you running around is plenty.

Oh, whoops! Ha ha!

So what if Vince doesn't believe me

about that stupid Robyn girl?

I should be able to get past that, right?

I mean, is it really worth

throwing my whole relationship away?

Why would you want to be in a relationship

with a man who thinks you're a liar?

Personally, I couldn't do it.

So you guys think I made the right decision

by breaking up with him?

Definitely.

But I love him.

This is why you're so conflicted.

Exactly.

Sis, this Vince guy should be making you feel loved

and safe and cherished.

And does he make you feel that way?

God, no, I feel crazy and stressed, and I hate it.

This is not what love should be.

Love should be warm and exciting.

It'll make the hair on your back stand up.

The way I see it,

the whole problem is trust.

You're right. He doesn't trust --

No, you don't trust yourself.

Oh.

Wait, what does that mean?

Holly?

Hey, Val.

What are doing here?

Wait, did you not get my message?

No. No, we were eating in the car.

You?

Yeah, I've changed.

Are you okay?

Yes, I am now, thanks to my big brothers.

So, you're Val?

Val, these are three of my brothers.

Nice to meet you, Val. Why do you hate babies?

She doesn't hate babies.

I don't know where you come up with this stuff.

Okay, well, what are you doing here?

Well, I was upset, and I needed to talk to you,

but then my new big brothers filled in.

They're very sensitive.

I'm an artist.

They made me feel better about breaking up with Vince

because my feelings are totally valid.

And I'm not crazy.

He made me see that I am crazy, but he's into it.

And Vic and I are going to have two to four kids.

All right!

Tell them what else, baby.

Vic and I are --

We're not married,

but we're getting married for real.

- All right! - Vic, congratulations!

Tell them where, baby. Tell them where.

We decided to have the ceremony --

Not at City Hall, but at some big, giant ballroom.

Yeah!

Okay, tell them why, baby. Tell them why.

Well, I thought it would be --

Nice to have the whole family there.

Oh.

What he said.

You're not a baby hater.

Oh.

Now, this is love.

Check out the hairs on my back.

I'd rather not.

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