Original subtitles

What am I gonna do?

Val has been planning this wedding since she was 10.

She has a picture of the dress, she has a picture of the roses.

She have a picture of her fianc� with another woman?

Oh, my God.

He's with Julie.

Julie?

Ex-fianc�e Julie?

That scum.

I saw you and Julie today.

And don't you think about having me whacked,

because Gary, Vince, and Ben saw you, too.

Okay, Holly, listen, Julie called me

and said she wanted to give me her blessing.

She said that it would help her have closure.

Okay, if it's all so innocent, why don't you just tell Val?

Holly, there's nothing to worry about, okay?

What you said about Julie makes sense,

but if you ever hurt my sister...

it'll be a lot harder than that.

[ Lauren ]: Let's get that grub on the table!

I have to eat at 3:00. That is when my diet starts.

Lauren, who starts a diet on Thanksgiving?

A person whose bridesmaid's dress has shrunk.

On the hanger?

You are a mean little girl.

Val's wedding is tomorrow.

How are you gonna lose weight by then?

Oh, it's the one-hour diet.

Mm-hmm, eat anything you want for one hour.

Nothing before and nothing after.

And the literature promises you will lose 3 pounds

by the next day.

"On the hanger?"

You've never been fat, have you?

Now, I'm gonna throw some marshmallows on these yams,

and watch my ass melt away!

Okay, honey, come here! It's time to carve.

Ooh, just think --

next year, we'll be carving a turkey in our country house.

The year after that, you'll be carving one

while I'm breast-feeding the baby.

The year after that --

See, that's the difference between you and me.

I don't even know what we're having for dessert,

but you know who's gonna be snacking on your rack

two years from now.

Val seems totally cool with Rick seeing Julie the other day.

Oh, yeah, well, there's, um,

good reason for that. I didn't tell her.

And nobody's going to, okay? Gary.

Gary? Why am I always the one that --

Who blows it? Because you've got a huge mouth.

Well, I can't help it. I mean, I try to keep secrets,

but my brain fills up with so many other things

that secrets pop out of my mouth like a gum ball.

Well, it does.

I thought you decided to tell Val.

I did, but then I thought, okay, so what...

Julie called Rick. She needed a little closure.

And if I was marrying Ben, and you called

and wanted to get together, it would be nothing

because we don't have feelings for each other anymore.

Exactly.

It's not like Julie called Rick crying,

"I still love you. I can't go on without you.

Don't marry that British bastard."

♪ Turkey in the straw, turkey in the hay ♪

♪ You really know how to dance ♪

♪ When you go up, down, jump around ♪

♪ Talk about true romance ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Keep on whispering in my ear ♪

♪ Tell me all the things that I wanna hear ♪

♪ 'Cause it's true ♪ ♪ What I like ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

Ow.

Vince, no.

[ all shouting ]

You guys, I'm sorry.

It's Ben's first Thanksgiving. We have to wait for him.

Sweetie, he's 20 minutes late.

I wish they'd move this thing along.

I've got a date later on.

With who?

I can't say. I don't want anyone to know.

My boss.

Your married boss?

Shh. Do you understand

what "I don't want anyone to know" means?

I wrote him a love letter, and he left me a message

saying he wants me to meet him at the office at 5:00.

He's going to ditch his wife today.

Mm-hmm. I finally understand the meaning of Thanksgiving.

Hi, everyone, sorry I'm --

Where's the pie? I don't see pie!

Oh, bugger, I'm sorry. I got this really important

phone call. I got so excited, I just totally forgot.

Yeah, okay, I knew I couldn't trust a skinny English guy.

It's a good thing I brought backup.

So happy holidays to all. I'm going in.

I will see you in one hour.

Don't mind her. She's dieting.

So, um, what was your big important phone call?

Oh, do you remember that audition you got me

to play guitar on the Jack Johnson tour?

You mean the one you didn't get?

What? I take an interest in his career.

Yeah, well, the bloke who got it has hemorrhoids,

and he can't sit on the tour bus for long hours.

Mmm-mmm.

Wow, when she goes on a diet, she really sticks to it.

Okay, so... what does this mean?

It means that I'm playing guitar on the Jack Johnson tour

and I leave tomorrow night after the wedding

for two months.

Yes!

Arugula.

I love arugula.

Two months?

I'm not going to see you for two months?

Not necessarily.

They said I could bring my manager with me...

who just happens to be my girlfriend.

No way!

I'm going on tour? I'm going on tour.

Am I gonna need a passport?

Well, the tour starts in Newark.

If anything, you'll need a tetanus shot.

Holly, did you just say you're leaving for two months?

Oh, yeah, but don't be all sad.

I'll call you every night.

No, I just -- I can't believe it.

We're gonna have the apartment to ourselves

for two whole months!

Let us all give thanks for hemorrhoids.

Ha!

So, Val... this is it.

The night before your wedding.

I know. I have to talk to you about something.

Oh, God, I knew this day would come.

Okay, Val, honey,

when a man and a woman love each other very much --

No, not that.

I...I found out something about Rick

that I really wish I hadn't.

Oh, my God, he told you about Julie?

- Julie? - What?

- What are you talking about? - What are you talking about?

Well, I found out that Rick got Gavin DeGraw to sing

at our wedding, and I ruined the surprise.

You know how I love surprises. Why did you just say "Julie"?

Andrews.

Julie Andrews.

I thought that it would be very nice if you and I

watched "The Sound of Music" together

because you're getting married tomorrow

and in our own way, we're saying,

"So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen...

good night."

Wait, why did you just say "Julie"?

Okay, before I tell you, I just want you to know

that Rick said it meant nothing.

What meant nothing?

Okay.

Do you remember the other day how Rick said

he was in New Jersey on business?

Mm-hmm.

Well, he was actually having pizza with Julie

in Queens.

Go on.

Well, Rick said that she called him

and just said that she needed some closure,

and the reason he didn't tell you

was he didn't want you to get upset.

If you want to break something, I haven't washed this one yet.

No, no, I don't want to break anything.

Well, she called him. She needed closure.

If Rick said it meant nothing, then I'm sure it meant nothing.

Yeah, people need closure. She needed closure with Rick.

That's actually very sweet of him,

actually, you know, because he's very caring,

and that's just one of the reasons I love him so much.

Okay, Val, you're, uh, talking pretty fast.

- Look, you're obviously upset. - No! No, I'm not upset!

I'm flying high 'cause it's my freakin' wedding tomorrow!

Okay, Holly, calm down.

Um, I'm just gonna go upstairs and go to bed,

and you should, uh, get some sleep, too,

you know, 'cause we have a big day tomorrow.

It's 6:30.

Not in France, Holly, not in France!

All right, Vince, I am out of here.

Why are you staring at Ben's boxers?

Because I was about to do this to them.

Two months!

Two months she's gonna be on the road with him.

Do you know what that means?

That means she's finally gonna see these on him.

Or worse. Off him!

Dude, trust me. This is the best thing

that could ever happen to you.

Two months away from Holly, and you can finally move on.

What if I can't, Gary?

What if I can't?

Give me those!

I can't talk to you

while you're fondling another man's drawers!

It's just that...

at least when she was here, I had a chance.

What am I saying?

She doesn't even know I'm alive.

Oh, brother,

look at you...

being all vulnerable.

Hey, do me a favor.

Save those puppy dog eyes for tomorrow.

Now, I don't know what it is about single chicks at weddings,

but they're all willing to give it up.

Hang in there, man.

Oh, stay sad.

[ knock on door ]

I hate my life!

Hi, Tina, come on in.

Can you believe this?

The reason the vet wanted to meet me

was to tell me that he's in love with his wife.

Who's in love with their wife?

I'm sorry, Tina.

I'm such an idiot.

You and me both.

I'm so stupid, Vince.

It's easy to be stupid when you're in love with someone

who doesn't love you back.

Want a shot?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Thank you.

More. Make it a double.

I don't know what's happening.

The machine is not working!

Ha ha ha ha!

Look at yourself --

I gotta go.

[ cellular phone rings ]

[ ring ]

[ ring ]

[ ring ]

[ ring ]

Hello.

- Vince? - Holly?

Why are you answering Tina's phone?

Oh, this is Tina's phone?

She must've left it when she dropped by earlier.

Don't worry. I'll give it back to her when I see her.

Man, I really need to talk to someone about Val.

Okay, well, I'll just call Tina at home. Bye.

No, no, no, it's 2:00 in the morning.

You'll wake up her mom. I'll come over.

- You'd do that? - I'm on my way.

Aww....

thank you, Vince, you're the best.

I love you. Bye.

What did we do?

Nothing.

Twice.

Good night.

Good night.

Wait, wait, wait. Give me your phone back.

Why?

Because...when would I have seen you to give it back to you?

When we had sex -- oh.

Stop talking about it.

Remember, we agreed it never happened.

- Don't tell Gary. - Don't tell Gary.

Hey, oh, I thought I heard voices.

Oh, Tina, here's your phone back.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

Tina, what are you doing out here?

I was just coming home from a date.

- Oh, with who? - You know what? It doesn't matter.

It was a huge mistake. I am never seeing him again.

Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

But I can use both of you. I'm so glad you're here.

Come on. Poor Tina -- she has the worst taste in guys.

Hey. You guys want some pumpkin pie?

Sure.

Whipped cream?

- No. - No.

I don't know what to do.

Val found out about Rick and Julie.

How?

Not important.

Okay, it was me. I screwed up.

I opened up my stupid mouth

and told Val about Rick and Julie.

Well, did you tell her that it was no big deal,

that Julie only called Rick for closure?

Yeah, but it was too late.

I mean, you should've seen her face. It killed her.

But you know what she's gonna do --

the same thing she always does --

pretend like it didn't happen.

I mean, how can you pretend that something didn't happen

when you know it did?

Oh, you can do it.

She is in such denial. What is that "doth protest" thing?

Uh, "the lady doth protest too much."

It's from "Hamlet."

It means when somebody has sex

with somebody they shouldn't have,

it was a huge mistake.

Pie, Gary?

I just can't believe that I ruined the happiest night

before the happiest day of my sister's life.

What am I gonna do?

Uh, you know what I think you should do is, uh, forget about it.

They're getting married tomorrow.

What is that, uh, "sleeping dogs lie" thing?

That's from "Scooby-Doo."

It means when two dogs accidentally have sex,

they don't tell anybody.

How can I forget about it?

I mean, I made my sister have doubts.

And I have to figure out a way to un-doubt her.

I'm not gonna let her walk down the aisle

with this in her head.

But Rick already told you there's nothing to worry about.

I know, and that's what I told Val,

but it wasn't enough. I mean, there's only one other person who can reassure her.

That's it, I'm going to Julie, right to the source.

"Of course, of course."

That's from "Mister Ed."

[ "The Wedding March" plays ]

Hello.

Hello.

I did not know you were in here.

You look nice.

As do you.

By the way, you left your panties at my place.

Uh, no, I didn't.

Oh, well, look at this.

This isn't awkward.

Okay, um, Val, I'll be right back.

I just need to check on the, um, altar.

Hey, did Julie call me back?

Oh, I, um...

Great, there's a message.

I told you to pick it up if it rang.

It was Julie.

Oh, great, now I missed her.

She's gonna be at the therapist.

And I won't be able to talk to her for 50 minutes.

Val's gonna be married by then.

Oh, my God, okay, her therapist is only

12 blocks away. I can make it back in time.

I'll just hop in a cab. I just need some cash.

What do you guys have between you?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

- What? - Wait.

Here.

Oh, thank you. All right, I'll be back.

Okay.

Where's Holly? I need her.

Oh, she went to go check...

[ mumbles ] on the altar.

What do you need? We can help you.

Well, apparently,

the one-hour diet didn't work so good.

I gained.

Relax, we'll get that baby closed.

Does anybody have any butter?

In my purse... next to the baked potato.

[ sobbing ]

So, how does that make you feel, Julie?

Horrible. Can I get the Prozac now?

[ knock on door ]

Excuse me? Hi, Julie.

Holly, I said after my session.

I know, and I'm so sorry to interrupt what seems

to be a breakthrough because you're crying and everything,

but this is an emergency.

Is this Holly, Val's sister?

You know me? She knows me? What did you tell her?

Is she still in love with Rick? Are you still in love with Rick?

Holly, I'm not in love with Rick.

Then why did you call him

two days before he's about to marry my sister?

I didn't call him. Rick called me.

- What? - Believe me...

- I was as surprised as you apparently are. - Rick called you?

Yes, he called me, and it really upset me.

Now can I get the Prozac?

Why isn't Holly here?

We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago.

Something's wrong, Lauren, and you're not telling me.

Just calm down, okay? Everything is fine.

Holly will be here any second, okay?

Now, come on, let me look at you.

Oh, wow.

I always thought I'd be the one to get married before you.

Yeah, but they taught me in recovery,

"Who the hell are you kidding, loser?"

You look beautiful, okay?

[ mouthing ] She looks beautiful.

♪ You need a friend ♪

♪ I'll be around ♪

♪ Don't let this end ♪

♪ Before I see you again ♪

Why'd you tell him to start?

Holly's not here. I got no one to walk me down the aisle.

- Where have you been? - Listen --

Lauren, okay, get to the altar.

Okay, I just want to say you have a face like an angel.

Move!!

♪ I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ More than anyone ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold you ♪

♪ Closer than before ♪

Where have you -- you know what? It doesn't matter.

All right, stand up straight, and move that apricot ass.

No, Val, we can't.

No, we have been waiting 20 minutes for you already.

Now, let's go! Left, right, left, right!

- There's something you have to know. - Shh!

♪ More than anyone ♪

Listen to me.

♪ I'm gonna hold you closer ♪

Val...

Val!

What?

There's something I have to tell you.

Can't it wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

I so wish it could.

But you have to know. I just came from seeing Julie.

What?

I so wish that I didn't have to tell you this,

but you're my sister and I love you,

and you have to know.

Val, Julie didn't call Rick. Rick called Julie.

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