Original subtitles

Holly, check it out.

Our spring break begins with a bang.

The Staten Island sideshow.

Sideshow? Gary, I thought we were going to do

something meaningful with our vacation.

What happened to our napping contest?

Look. "Freaks, wonders, and curiosities."

It's the human condition.

Gary, you can see freaks on every corner of the city.

You can't see Digestor.

The ad -- it says he can eat anything.

Well, we're going to see about that.

Kiki, a good assistant doesn't call

an hour before work and say she can't come in.

Sweetie, I'm glad you met a guy,

but why are you in Orlando?

Well, you know, I happen to think

that work is the happiest place on Earth.

Come on, Holly, let's go. I want to sit in the front row

for Oozette, the human sprinkler.

I don't want to go to a freak show.

One man lifts a block of concrete with his nipples,

and it's a freak show?

Perfect. Now I'm going to have to call a temp agency.

You'd think for 500 bucks I could get somebody

who doesn't want to "borrow" a urine sample.

Hey, 500 bucks? What if I filled in as your assistant?

Well, that would be...cute.

Hey, I could use the money, and I'd work hard.

Hey, and I'd finally have a place to wear

that business casual skirt you gave me.

You haven't worn that? I thought you love that skirt.

Uh-huh.

Well, okay, but you would have to be completely professional.

I mean, when I ask you to answer the phone

and make me coffee, I don't want to hear

"You're not the boss of me," because, you know, I am.

Okay, it's a deal.

- Okay. Hurry up and go get dressed. - Okay.

Looks like it's going to rain. Can you grab my umbrella?

Your arms ain't broke.

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And after about six months of phone calls,

I finally convinced "M.Y." magazine to put Kira Martin

on the cover.

Whoo! Whoo!

Ahem. Fantastic work, Val.

This cover is a great way to unveil her new boobs.

Oh, and call the "Post" and deny that she has new boobs.

Ha ha ha ha!

Now, as many of you know, Susan Dickerson has left

her position here to work for our competition.

We wish her well and are glad that her emotional neediness

is now their problem.

It also means that we need a new managing director.

Now, you guys know it is our policy to promote

from within.

Is that job something you'd need a high school diploma for?

So, that's everything for --

Actually, Vic, I have just one quick question.

Uh, terrific job, Val, on the Kira Martin cover.

When do we get to see the final picture?

That is the final picture. I signed off on it on Friday.

Oh. Forget it.

What?

No. God, it's nothing. Great job, Val.

What, Lauren? What is it?

Okay, well, I know I'm the new girl in town

but in the Chicago office, we tried not to use pictures

of cross-eyed people.

She's not cross-eyed.

Well, I know she's not, but in that shot,

doesn't she seem like she's a little,

I don't know, kind of hypnotized by her own nose?

You know what? Forget it. It's just me.

Just forget it.

No. You know, now that you mention it,

I am kind of having the urge to say, "I'm over here."

All right, Val, could you straighten that out, please?

That's it, everybody. Have a great week.

She's not cross-eyed.

Does she look cross-eyed to you?

Maybe it's just one of those things

that when someone says it, everyone starts thinking

they see it, like the time I convinced Gary

he was shrinking.

I can't believe the way that Lauren girl

totally humiliated you in front of your boss.

Wait, Vic is your boss, right,

because earlier I asked him for trash bags.

Vic is everyone's boss.

Yeah, well, I'd watch out for that Lauren girl.

She really has it in for you. She wants that promotion.

We both want that promotion. Managing director

is second in command. Not that these things matter to me,

but I'd get my own bathroom, and that would make life

a lot easier.

Then we've got to take Lauren down before she takes you down.

Stop it. Lauren doesn't have it in for me.

She's just doing her job.

Oh, please. "I'm Lauren, I'm from Chicago, blah, blah,

pizza deep dish. Ha ha ha ha!"

She is sucking up to Vic and trying to make you look bad.

Hey, Val, I need you to be on that 4:00 conference call

- with Tony Hawk. - No problem.

Oh, and, Holly, did you want large kitchen?

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

I told her you weren't in charge of office supplies.

No, don't worry about it. Hey, I haven't been able

to track down that non-dairy creamer,

but I'll see if I can score some from the mayor

after our meeting, 'kay?

I had no idea we were both from Chicago.

What a coincidence!

Oh, I miss the windy city already.

Did you know it's not called the windy city

because of the wind?

It's because of the "windy" politicians.

I guess they had a tendency to talk on and on.

It kind of makes this the windy break room.

I'm sorry. What?

Who wants coffee? Vic, can I pour you a cup?

- Oh, yes, please. - Okay.

You know what? I'll take one, too.

Mugs are in the cupboard.

Hey, Vic, do you like cigars?

Are you kidding me? You've seen my humidor,

my collection of cigar bands...

my teeth.

You have perfect teeth.

Anyway, um, a neighbor gave these to me

as a housewarming gift. They're yours if you want them.

I don't know if they're any good.

Good? Are you kidding? These are Cubans.

They're so good, they're illegal.

A neighbor gave you cigars?

Where do you live, the dog track?

Gary, Holly stepped away from her desk,

and I really don't want to hear any more about the sideshow.

I don't care how many orifices the man has!

Val, you would not believe what just went down

in the break room!

Lauren is in there with Vic, and she's sucking up to him

like a leech on a wet hound dog!

I heard President Bush say that.

Look, she went out and bought him some fancy cigars

and then pretended like it was no big deal.

Oh, my God, she is pure evil.

Don't you get it?

She is the flashy new girl in town,

and she's trying to move in on your territory.

This is not high school.

Everything is high school!

Vic is going to give the promotion to the person

who deserves it based on the work,

not because of some stupid cigars.

Yeah, sure, I'd love to hear your ideas.

Um, I'm going to have lunch at the Oak Room at the Plaza

at 1:00. Meet me there.

Super!

So, Lauren, you've got some ideas, huh?

About what?

Oh, you know, our clients.

I think that Vic is excited to have someone

who could look at things with fresh eyes.

Really.

Yeah. You know, instead of... crossed eyes.

So, while Lauren is sharing her ideas with the boss

at the Plaza, why don't we go through the want ads

at Mickey D's?

Wouldn't that be super?

All right, I'll admit, Lauren is starting

to strike me as a tad weasely.

But I have a plan of my own.

Okay, that's what I want to hear --

fighting fire with fire. What are you going to do?

I am going to write a report.

What?

Vic wants fresh ideas?

I've got fresh ideas. So I'm going to analyze

our biggest accounts, assess the pros and cons of each,

and turn it in to Vic. In a fancy cover.

That's not fighting fire with fire.

That's fighting fire with paper.

Fire kicks paper's ass!

I don't want to stoop to her level or your level.

I want to earn that promotion.

Now get out of here. I've got a lot of work to do.

Okay, I'll cancel your meetings, hold your calls,

and get you some lunch and hack into Lauren's computer.

Okay, I'll just cut the brakes on her car.

I don't know, man.

I saw things today.

Things I won't soon forget.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, it's a sideshow. What did you expect?

Not to see a man eat a bucket of hair.

Hey, how was the freak show?

I saw things today.

And heard them.

The hair -- it made a crunching sound.

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, is Val's lunch order ready?

Yeah, it's right here. What's she so stressed about?

She locked herself in her office

doing some kind of extra credit report.

She needs to impress her boss because of that promotion.

Really? Is she going to be done by tonight?

'Cause I scored two courtside seats

for the Knicks-Wizards game.

It's Michael Jordan's last game in New York.

Val's going to be blown away!

Why? Are sports less boring when you're closer?

No. Soccer sucks from anywhere.

There isn't a guy in the world

who wouldn't kill for those seats.

You know who would love to sit courtside

for the Knicks game? Val's boss!

What are me and him going to talk about?

Val has got serious competition for her promotion,

but if she gives Vic those tickets,

that would put her way out in the lead!

Val doesn't have to bribe Vic. Val's great at her job.

It doesn't matter if she's great.

That Lauren girl is a snake.

Val is in a war.

Yeah, I know that promotion's really important to her.

But Michael Jordan's really important to me.

You could see where I'm stuck with this.

Dude, you're not looking at the big picture.

Okay, think about this.

You give Vic the tickets, and maybe Vic meets

Michael Jordan, and they become friends.

And then Vic has a dinner party,

invites his new friend Michael Jordan

and his new managing director Val Tyler.

And do you know who else is at that party, Jeff?

Tiger Woods?

No.

You.

I'll get the tickets.

Holly, I thought you did a great job today.

Hey, I learned a lot, especially at that

sexual harassment seminar.

So tomorrow when I see Vic,

I have to say, "You look sharp"

instead of, "Aren't you a smokin' hunk of love?"

I just hope he has time to read my report.

Oh. There she is.

That was unbelievable, Val.

Totally over and beyond the call of duty.

Well, I just thought it was something

that needed to be done.

I am blown away. Thank you so much.

I'll see you guys.

I think the boss likes my report.

I think he's thanking you for the Knicks tickets.

Excuse me?

I gave Vic a couple of courtside seats

to tonight's game, and I said they were from you.

You what? Why did you do that?

Because I knew that you would never do this for yourself.

You listen to me. From now on,

you answer the phones, you take my messages,

and make me coffee.

Because if you don't, I swear, I'm -- I'm --

You're number one, Val!

I'm number one. Ha.

Shame on me and my successful ideas...

Stop it. I'm number freakin' one!

Hey, I almost forgot. I've read your report.

I think you made some interesting points.

Oh, is that so? Well, I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah, you know who really liked it was Lauren.

Lauren?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, she -- well, here she is.

I mean, she can tell you herself. We, uh,

we were just talking about Val's report.

Oh, right, I picked it up off his desk.

I thought it was a magazine. It was so pretty.

She's already taken a couple of your notions

- and really run with them. - You're running with my notions?

Well, yeah, I'm sure we'll talk about it some more

at the game tonight.

You're taking her?

She used to do P.R. for the Bulls back in Chicago,

and she might be able to get me in to meet Jordan.

Anyway, Val, thanks again for the tickets.

Yes, Val, thank you. Thank you so much.

If you yell at me for the next two hours,

do I get paid overtime?

Thank you. Thank you for giving Lauren

the perfect opportunity to sit next to Vic

for three hours and stab me in the back.

She's good. She's very, very good.

She's so obvious. How does he not see what she's doing?

Well, he sees free cigars and basketball tickets.

What do you expect him to do?

This is my career, Holly. I could lose my job.

How will we ever make ends meet?

Can you ease up on the shaking?

I had, like, 30 cups of coffee today.

I just really wanted that promotion.

Now she's going to get it.

I'm going to be number freakin' two!

Look, you can beat her. The only difference

between you and Lauren is that she has got fire in her belly.

Your belly's not even rubbing two sticks together.

You're right. I'm too damn nice.

I can't fight dirty.

But I can.

You ready to listen to me?

I'm ready. Bring it on. How do we get Lauren?

Okay, well, it might not surprise you

that I have some ideas. Here we go.

Ooh, I like this one. It has a diagram.

Oh, that one's kind of tricky. We need a sample of her DNA.

Hey, how about this one? The bazooka.

Tell me about the bazooka.

Excellent choice. I used that once in the ninth grade

on Lisa Gertz.

They say on quiet days you can still hear her crying.

So, how does it work?

We do some digging into Lauren's past

and find her dirty little secret.

You think she has a secret?

Everyone has a secret.

But, Val, you have to know that this won't be pretty.

Once you get in, you cannot get out.

Why can't you get out?

Well, you can, but it's just more fun like this.

Come on, let's do it!

Okay.

Where's Holly?

She's still at the office. She and Ernie the computer guy

are trying to dig up Lauren's dirty little secret.

She has a secret?

Everyone has a secret.

So...you're playing dirty?

Damn right.

Ooh. Tell me more, dirty Val.

Well, the plan is to --

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Say it slower and use your early morning scratchy voice.

I got it.

The bazooka? You got the bazooka?

Oh, yes, and it's big. It's bigger than I even imagined.

Okay, don't tell me all at once.

Just give me a tiny little hint.

Okay. Jail.

Right. Sounds like "jail."

Male. Oh! She used to be a man!

I knew it!

No, she was in jail -- prison.

No.

Yes.

Oh, my God, this is good!

Lauren did time.

- What was she in for? - Robbery.

She knocked over a laundromat.

This -- this is great.

Okay, so -- so, what do we do?

You flash that rap sheet, then watch how fast

Lauren hops on the next train to Chi-town.

When did you start talking like this?

It's possible that I watch too much TV.

- Okay, so here's how it goes down. - Mm-hmm.

You get Lauren in your office,

you sit her down, and you give her the stare.

Then you give her a little squint

so she knows that this is not a social call.

Hmm, I like the squint.

Mm-hmm. And once you get her attention,

you slam that file on the table

and you tell her that she is history.

You tell her that she messed around

with the wrong public relations lady.

Publicist.

Yeah, that sounds tougher.

You makin' fun of me?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

That's the early morning scratchy voice.

- Are you okay? - Never better.

Lookin' sharp, Vic.

Oh...

hey, I miss being a smokin' hunk of love.

Stupid seminars.

- You got the bazooka? - Locked and loaded.

Fire in the belly?

Make me proud, damn it.

I'll do my best.

: Good morning, Lauren.

Thank you for meeting me so early.

Yeah, I've got a 10:15 with Vic, so could you kinda...

This is going to take as long as it's going to take.

See, 'cause now you're on my clock.

It's a zit, okay? I am premenstrual.

This is not a social call.

What is that?

Open it.

Just curious, does the girl in that picture

look like she's cross-eyed?

Ooh.

Okay, look, Val, can I --

Ah, ah, ah. I'm talking now.

Did you really think I was just going to let you

walk all over me?

Early indicators pointed to "yes."

All right, what do you want?

I want you on the first train to Chi-town.

Excuse me?

It's over. I want you gone.

You are history.

Okay.

Game over. You win.

Yes, I win.

Wait.

Don't.

What?

This is ridiculous -- this whole thing.

I don't want to make you quit your job.

: Oh, God.

First of all, you're kind of good at it.

I mean, half of this job is manipulating people

and sucking up to them,

and you definitely have that down.

Uh, excuse me, Val? It's an urgent phone call --

uh, Mr. Fire in the Belly, about the plan.

You -- I want you to come in here

and hear this, too.

- Actually, I can hear pretty good -- - Now.

Lauren, I think you've been acting really unprofessionally.

Quite frankly, you've been a weasel.

I don't agree with your "win at all costs" attitude.

And if I start doing that, then I'm you,

and I don't want to be you.

Here, you keep this.

Nobody has to know about it.

Wait, I am totally confused.

You could bury me with this,

and you're just going to let it go?

Don't look at me. I was hoping to see

some big ol' mascara tears by now.

If I get this promotion,

I want to get it because I earned it,

because I am the most qualified,

not because you knocked over some...fluff-n-fold.

You probably won't believe me,

but I did not rob that laundromat.

My boyfriend told me to stop

because he had to get some change,

and the next thing I know, he jumped into my car

with a big pillowcase full of cash

and started yelling, "Drive! Drive!"

I believe you.

Thank you.

Uh, Lauren,

the next time you try to humiliate me

in the morning meeting, I will knock you cross-eyed.

Got it.

Can I still cut the brakes on her car?

Hey, does the new managing director of Harper and Diggs

like her fettucine?

Sweetie, please stop calling me that.

Wow, the new managing director of Harper and Diggs

has a 'tude.

Ha ha ha ha.

Mmm, this pasta's delicious. What kind is it?

Mm, angel hair.

Hair?

Sorry.

Hey, I'm cured. Seconds on the hair!

So, does the assistant to the new managing director

also get a raise?

No, and Kiki's back from Orlando.

But thank you for a great couple of days.

You were a great assistant.

Nobody's ever watched my back like you.

You don't need me to watch your back.

You are a master. You used the bazooka for good.

I have been fighting it out in the schoolyard for 11 years

And I have never seen that move.

Well, if you want,

maybe I can get you something part-time in the mailroom.

Maybe not. This way, Vic and I can date

without breaking company policy.

Ha ha ha.

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