Original subtitles

- That's what I thought. - Hey, you're home!

I know it looks like I'm home, but I'm not.

Ow!

No, you're home.

Which means we can go shopping for my dress today.

No, we can't. I still have a ton of work to do.

Come on! Liz's party is on Friday,

and you promised you would help me find the perfect dress.

Yes, and I will,

as soon as I come up with a new P.R. campaign

for the New Jersey Board of Tourism.

I got it.

New Jersey -- it's supposed to smell like this.

Hey, gang.

: Hi.

Guess what I got right here in my pocket, huh?

I'll give you a hint --

it's right next to my Bono glasses.

Oh.

I hope it's a receipt for those glasses.

It's the tickets to tonight's U2 concert.

I'm sorry.

I can't go anywhere until I come up with

a brilliant campaign for New Jersey.

You're gonna miss U2? It's in the luxury suite!

The luxury suite? How'd you guys score those?

Jeff's ex-girlfriend Dana is an editor at "Vogue."

And 3, 2, 1...

She used to be a model.

A model? Damn!

Uh, but we broke up 'cause, you know, she was gross.

Jeff, you don't have to do that.

I think I can handle the fact

that you used to date a model.

She was featured in "Maxim."

Tramp.

Ah, this sucks. You can't go. Dana's boyfriend can't go.

Oh, wow, this does suck,

'cause now you can't go, either.

Excuse me?

It was one thing when I was going

and Dana's boyfriend was going,

but now there's no me and no boyfriend,

which leaves you and your ex-girlfriend.

Who's a former model.

Thanks, dude.

So, what, you don't trust me?

I don't trust her. I don't trust Dana.

Look, Val, I love you.

I have no feelings for Dana, and I'm dying to see U2.

But if you're really worried about it,

then, fine, I won't go. Case closed.

What if I go?

Case reopened.

Well, then I should go, too.

Uh, trust me, no one ever has sex when I'm around.

You know what, Jeff? I'm being ridiculous.

If you really want to go to the concert, then go.

Have a great time.

You're the best.

Holly...

you make sure that boyfriend-stealing tramp

keeps her hands off Jeff.

She even looks at him, go for the eyes. Rowr!

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Ah, these seats are so comfortable.

I'm loving the luxury suite.

I feel like a dictator looking down on the masses.

I decree that there be beer and nachos

for all the people of the crappy lodge seats.

Hey, who's the dude with the luxury hairdo?

That's Craig Miller.

He owns hotels, casinos, office buildings.

So he's loaded. Doesn't mean he's happy.

Oh, God, let me be that unhappy just once.

Hey.

Hey, Dana.

Thanks for the tickets.

Welcome.

Hi!

Hey, Dana, I'm Holly -- Val's sister.

Val really wishes she could have been here tonight,

because she and Jeff are in a committed relationship.

Um, okay. It's nice to meet you.

I love that jacket.

Oh, my sister -- Jeff's girlfriend --

picked it out.

She has style, class, brains, and beauty.

Those are the big four, says Jeff.

Hi, are you Gary?

You were in "Maxim."

Hi, "Maxim."

Oh, Bono, I love you!

Oh, my God, that was so incredible.

It was like Bono was singing just to me,

which is weird, 'cause he barely knows me.

Hey, iced tea dude, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Luxury toilet.

Wow. Jeff looks really good.

I don't know, there's a sadness to his eyes.

I think he misses Val.

Holly, I get it, okay?

I'm not going after your sister's boyfriend.

Sorry, I guess I just got a little overprotective.

Totally understand.

Val's lucky to have a little sister like you.

I wish I had one.

So, you work at "Vogue," huh?

Yeah.

That's really cool.

Well, if you like celebrities and parties,

high pay, gorgeous men.

Now, those are the big four, says Holly.

So, I have a question.

Last month, there was a picture of Natalie Portman

wearing this amazing dress.

I know the exact dress.

Well, I've been looking for something like it.

Any chance it's from Old Navy?

Ha ha ha.

What if I told you that I could get you

that exact dress for free?

Are you serious?

Yeah. I'll pull it for you tomorrow.

Wow. Thank you.

Craig, are you okay?

I think he's choking! Somebody help him!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Oh, my God.

: Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Gary, you just saved Craig Miller's life.

Oh, no, stop calling me a hero.

I only did what any ordinary man would do

in the presence of a dying bajillionaire.

Oh, man, I thought that was it.

Thanks, man.

Get his name and address.

I'm gonna send you something.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Miller,

but that's really not necessary.

Well, you just saved my life.

I'd like a chance to repay you.

That's Thorpe -- Gary Thorpe, with an "e."

Hockey sucks.

You know, the fights are fixed, like in wrestling.

You are so --

seriously? Where'd you hear that?

Oh, that's me.

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Dana.

Dana? What's she want?

Oh, my God, are you kidding?

Of course I still want the dress.

Dress? What dress?

Okay, yeah, well, let me just check my schedule,

and I'll call you back with the time.

Jeff says hi.

No, I didn't.

Why is she calling you?

Because she hooked me up with Natalie Portman's dress

for my party.

No, no, no, no, no. No dress, no Dana.

- Dana's off limits. - What?

Val does not like Dana.

She wouldn't want her calling you,

hooking you up with dresses, being all buddy-buddy,

braiding each other's hair.

Is that what you think girls do?

No.

Look, Dana's just being nice.

She's a nice person.

Listen to me, okay? You don't realize it yet,

but you're being sucked into the Dana vortex.

- What? - The Dana vortex!

She has this way of making life seem really exciting

'cause of the people she knows

and the things she does,

and you think she's a really nice person,

but, really, she's a bad person with nice skin.

- Hey. - Hey. You're home.

Yeah, but I can't stay.

I've got to go back to New Jersey tonight

and all day tomorrow.

It's only been two days, and I already hate that state.

Think you found your slogan.

I'm glad you guys are here.

Now I can give you these in person.

"I owe you one romantic evening."

Aww. You even drew little stick figures of us.

Look, we're playing leapfrog.

Oh, no, not leapfrog.

Oh, right.

And here's one for you.

"I owe you one dress-shopping trip."

Saturday. Bloomingdale's. I'm all yours.

: Doesn't that sound great?

Just you and your sister shopping for that special dress.

Yeah, this sounds great.

Thanks, Val.

Okay, I got to get going.

There's a car downstairs.

Oh, about this I.O.U. thing --

this drawing of me?

You're kind of stingy with one of my sticks.

So, Gary, what do you think that rich guy's gonna give you?

I haven't given it that much thought.

I'm just glad I was there to help.

My sense of satisfaction is reward enough.

But I wouldn't say no to an above-ground pool.

Um, I'm looking for Gary Thorpe.

That's me.

Hi, I'm Jill.

I'm an intern for Craig Miller.

Are you the gift?

That's cute.

Ha ha. And I'm serious.

No, Mr. Miller wanted me to give you this.

Ooh, tickets!

Ha ha.

"Bob the Builder on Ice."

How did he know?

Now, you and your guest will have Mr. Miller's

luxury suite all to yourselves,

and after the show, you can both go backstage

and meet Bob the Builder.

Bob himself, huh? Ha ha. Exquisite.

All right, well, one guest.

Hey, you know, this is going to cause quite a rift

among my friends,

so, uh, why don't I just take you?

Well, sure. Okay. Sounds fun.

I'm sorry. What?

I said yes.

So now what happens?

Well, how's about I meet you there?

See you tonight.

What was that all about?

You have a date with that girl tonight.

Well, I'm gonna be all alone in a luxury suite

with a hot smokin' female.

What if she wants me to talk to her?

Do you think she wants me to talk to her?

Of course she's going to want you to talk to her.

Oh, this is not good.

Sometimes I say stupid stuff.

The prettier the girl, the stupider the stuff.

Look, before you speak, think about

what you're gonna say, and then say it.

Or, I could keep lots of food handy,

and every time I start to say something stupid,

I can jam it in my mouth before anything even comes out.

What do you think of that?

I think you're gonna gain a lot of weight.

What do you think?

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe I am wearing Natalie Portman's dress.

You're definitely gonna be the hottest girl at the party.

Well, thanks to you. This dress is so amazing.

Well, well, well. What have we here?

Look at that dress.

Doesn't she look fabulous?

Yeah. I like the way the color

brings out the guilt in her eyes.

Ha ha ha!

God, I never got your humor.

All right, well, I've got to run.

I've got a shoot with Gwen Stefani,

and then we're all gonna go over

to the D-Bar on Bleeker.

You should swing by if you can.

Sure. I'd love to.

Two kisses. How fancy. Ha ha.

See ya.

Bye.

Bye.

Okay, it's not what you think.

Oh, really? 'Cause I think you promised your sister

you were gonna go with her to get a dress,

but you went behind her back and got it from Dana instead.

Oh, it is what you think.

Look, Holly, I've been where you are.

You're in the heart of the Dana vortex.

It is not safe!

Oh, please, Jeff,

this is no different than you getting tickets from her.

Luxury suite, luxury dress.

That's totally different.

I wasn't sneaking around behind Val's back.

Look...

I thought I could have this dress,

and Val wouldn't know, and everything would be okay.

But it's not okay, because you know if Val

found out, this would really hurt her feelings.

You're right.

Wow. Look at me.

Communicating effectively with a teenage girl.

But...

Uh-oh.

It's just like how you think it's okay

to stay friends with your ex-girlfriend

when you know that deep down it really bothers Val.

Crap.

Okay. That's it.

We're both breaking up with Dana.

I don't get any more concert tickets,

and you got to take back that dress.

Good call. Right after this party,

this dress is so out of my life.

Okay, I'll take the dress back after the party.

Okay, I'll do it today!

What are you doing here, anyway?

Oh, I'm on my lunch break.

Can't you eat at the restaurant?

I did.

But when I nap in my office,

the busboys always mess with me.

Look at Bob.

He and the machines just built a gazebo.

Ho ho! And he lands the triple lutz.

Everyone at the office is talking about

how you saved Mr. Miller's life.

What did it feel like?

Oh, it was a rush.

I mean, the first time you stand behind a man,

and your arms are wrapped around him,

and you're squeezing him tight,

and y --

no, I didn't mean what --

You know, Gary, I'm really glad

you asked me to come tonight.

Hey, Dana.

- Hey, Holly! - Hi!

Everybody, this is Holly, my new little sister

that I've been telling you about.

Hi, guys.

I want a new little sister.

Well, she's mine. You can't have her.

Come on, ladies, there's plenty of Holly to go around.

Cosmo...cosmo...

and for the young lady?

Oh, nothing. I can't stay.

I just came by to give you this.

What do you mean, you can't stay?

You sit your cute little tushie down next to Niki.

I know, and look at that figure.

What do you do to stay in shape?

Oh, nothing really.

I just signed up for A.P. History,

so my backpack weighs like 40 pounds.

- Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha ha.

Well, I guess I could stay for a second.

Um, so I'll have a virgin martini.

A martini without the alcohol

would be a glass of olives.

That's perfect.

And a ginger ale.

Hey, Holly, I spoke to the hair and makeup people

at the magazine, and the night of your party,

they are gonna make you look fabulous.

That is so incredible.

You did not have to do that.

Oh, come on. How long will it take

to make you fabulous, two minutes?

Niki, you're fabulous. Come on, double kiss.

: Mwah. Mwah.

Hey, Holly, Dana, everybody.

Jack. What are you doing here?

Isn't it obvious? He's following me.

Twice in one day.

Actually, I came to talk to Holly.

Got a sec?

Excuse me for just one second, ladies.

What are you doing here?

Making sure you end this.

Come on, I got to let her down easy.

- Why? - Because she's a sweet kid.

I can't just kick her to the curb.

You're in the vortex.

I am hanging out with my friends.

We're having drinks, exchanging witty banter.

I am not in the vortex.

I'm in my own episode of "Sex and the City."

Good. You decided to stay.

So, where's Val?

Did she let you off your leash tonight?

No, no. She's been working crazy hours lately, traveling.

Oh.

Hey, some of us are going to go out to the Hamptons

this weekend, and you guys should come.

Like I said, Val's got to work.

Well, then you should come.

Don't you think that would be a little...

If you play your cards right, it might be a lot...

Well, Dana, I know we're all grown up

and sophisticated here,

but what the hell are you doing?

What?

You're hitting on my sister's boyfriend.

Jeff is not going to do anything

that he doesn't want to do.

Are you, Jeff?

You hear that sucking sound?

That's the vortex.

Look, I'm not going to the Hamptons with you.

Yeah, that's right, because he loves Val.

Yeah, and I would never do anything to hurt her,

so thanks anyway, but I won't be needing

any more concert tickets.

Yeah, and you know what? I am not your little sister.

I know.

My little sister wouldn't be this uncool.

Hey!

And you can have your stupid Natalie Portman dress back.

Too bad. I was gonna give you

those Kate Hudson shoes to wear with it.

The gold ones with the little t-straps?

Uh-huh.

You are the devil!

You know, I thought that was going to be

really stupid, but it was funny.

And I learned a lot about spackle and grout.

Uh-huh.

So, I was thinking,

maybe you could walk me back to my place?

I could just grab my coat, and we can go.

Yeah. Walk.

Go.

Are you there, God?

It's me -- Gary.

Look, man, I promise I will never ask you

for anything again as long as I live

if you could just find it in your power

to get my food-filled body up off this chair

so I can walk that smokin' female home.

Whew.

Ooh, that's cool, Lord.

I understand. I have been gluttonous.

Hey. You okay?

No, not really. I'm too full to get up.

Look, Jill, have a seat.

Look, sometimes when I get around pretty women,

I get stupid.

And the prettier they are, the stupider I get.

And being with you tonight,

I have never felt so stupid.

Oh!

That is one of the nicest things

anyone has ever said to me.

So, you know, I thought if I kept eating,

I wouldn't say stupid stuff,

'cause, you know, my mouth would be busy.

You know, I have a better way of doing that.

I'll go see if they have something for your stomach.

You just sit... and digest.

How am I going to tell Val what I did?

How about if I make it easy for you?

I'm thinking we don't tell Val at all.

I mean, telling her is only going to hurt her

for no reason,

so why don't we just keep this between us?

What, so I just hide this from her

and live with the crushing guilt?

I like it.

Oh. Attention, shoppers,

who here needs to be the hottest girl at the party?

Have you been reading my diary?

What is this?

Well, I was in New Jersey,

checking out the garden state's

seventh-biggest tourist attraction,

the Paramus Mall, and I met this woman

who worked at the Pretzel Place.

Her sister works at Bloomingdale's.

I told her about your dress situation.

Instead of us going to Bloomingdale's,

Bloomingdale's came to us.

Look, I have to tell you something.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She is my sister. She deserves to know.

What? What? What is it?

Jeff sneaks into our apartment

and takes naps when we're not here.

Thanks for this.

You're welcome.

I don't suppose there's anything

on that rack for me.

Actually, there is.

You have been reading my diary.

Ha ha.

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