Original subtitles

Hey, Dad.

Uh...whatcha doin'?

Holly...

you remember that Japanese restaurant, Katsu,

in the East Village with the tempura that you love?

We're going there for dinner?

No. We're moving to Japan!

No. Not again!

We are not moving again, Dad!

Why does this have to be such a big deal?

I am so tired of having my entire world uprooted

every time you get a promotion.

I know, sweetheart, but --

What if I go live with Nana?

Your grandmother? She's a terrible influence.

I mean, she doesn't use that stuff for glaucoma.

Holly, please, let me pack. I've got a 6:00 a.m. flight.

We're moving tomorrow morning?

No, I'm just going for a week to get set up.

And I've got to call your sister,

see if you can stay there until I get back.

- No. - Yes! It's perfect!

I can go live in the city with Valerie!

She just got rid of her roommate.

Yes, and she's very excited about living alone.

Plus, she works crazy hours.

She's got her boyfriend.

It's not like she has to watch me constantly.

I'm more mature now. Ew, gross -- underpants.

If Val says yes, then why not?

Well...

all right, I'll -- I'll talk to Val.

No, let me. You're not that great a salesman.

Have you seen my plaque?

Yes...

and the picture of the plaque.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

You talk to Val.

Thank you, Daddy.

[ doorbell rings ]

Oh -- that must be my plane tickets.

Ow!

Hey, what's my bra doing under here?

Hello!

Not my bra.

Hey, Val, I got the futon set up for Holly

if you want to get some...sheets.

Or just keep smiling at the chair,

'cause that doesn't scare me at all.

I'm sorry!

I just can't believe Roberta's finally gone!

Not a trace -- nothing left of her

but that hideous director's chair...

[ sniffs ]

and that weird stink of hers.

Come here, Jeff. You gotta smell this.

Come on, sniff it. Sniff it!

No, I better not. I gotta drive home later.

Remember how she would sit in that chair for hours

wearing her depressing black clothes

and hating pop culture?

"I'm Roberta. Spielberg sucks."

God, film students ruin everything.

Do you know what this means, Jeff?

I can use up all the hot water!

I can open up the curtains and let the sunlight in!

Oh!

I can read my People magazine right out in the open!

[ sighs ]

[ bell dings ]

Gary, help me out.

Oh -- sure.

[ grunting ]

[ bell dinging ]

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just playing a little game.

It's called "get killed by the elevator

while Gary does nothing."

Help me.

Anything for the cause.

Hey, I don't want you moving to Japan.

Have you seen their trees?

They're, like, yay big.

Okay. I have six days to prove to Val

that I'd be the most amazing roommate on the planet.

Why don't you just ask her if you can move in?

Because she's psyched

to finally have the place all to herself.

So, before I even bring it up,

I've got to kiss a whole new level of butt.

Why don't you just let me talk to her?

Why would I do that?

Because you know she's got a bad case of the "Garys."

That's weird...

'cause she thinks your name is Glen.

Hey!

Hey, bug!

Ooh!

Wow! Your hair looks awesome!

What'd you do to it?

I...brushed it.

With what? A magic brush?

Yeah, it's like each strand was combed by an angel.

Thanks.

Hey, you sticking around?

We were gonna go downstairs

and get something to eat later.

Oh, uh, no, thanks. I have to get going --

to the gym.

Today's, uh...

upper body.

Oh, oh -- um...

hang on a sec.

Since you're going down,

would you mind getting rid of that for me?

You? Y-you're giving me a chair?

Like -- like a present?

Okay. Sure.

I will sit on this as soon as I get home.

Wow!

Your place looks amazing!

Wait -- there's something different.

Um, I think that picture used to be on that table.

Yeah, actually, I liked it better where it was.

Oh!

You have an eye!

One tiny move,

and you open up the whole room!

Yeah, it's like a cathedral in here now.

I don't know. If I had the time and money,

I'd love to feng shui this whole place.

Feng shui? That band you were so into?

No, that was Wang Chung.

Oh.

I wasn't into them.

Hey, Val, it's cool.

You know, I totally used to be into the Black Crowes --

oh, wait a minute. They weren't lame.

Feng shui is a Chinese interior design philosophy.

Okay, that is fascinating.

You -- you are fascinating!

What a life you've lived! It's fascinating!

I should unpack.

Aw, the room's little again!

[ horns honking ]

Listen, I'm putting together a major press event on Sunday

for that skateboarder guy you like -- Tony Hawk.

You wanna go?

Yeah, I wanna go! Can I meet him?

Can I get free stuff? I love free stuff.

He's promoting his new cologne --

Tony -- "Smell Like a Hawk."

Oh, my God!

That is so my favorite-smelling bird!

[ gasps ] No way -- Lisa Lillien.

The fashion designer? Oh, my God!

She was the hit of Milan! And her new spring line

is shaking things up all across Europe.

Hey, you read my People magazine.

Yeah, and Demi Moore is adjusting quite nicely

to life outside the spotlight.

Man, if I could snag a client like her,

my career would take off like a rocket!

Bang!

I think you want "whoosh."

When you're talking rockets, "bang" is bad.

Well, come on! Let's whoosh that rocket!

Hey, Lisa? Lisa Lillien!

Holly, Holly, stop!

Hi.

Hi.

You screamed for me?

Oh -- yeah. This is my sister, Valerie,

and she's basically, like, a public-relations superhero.

And she said if she could snag a client like you

that she would take off --

Holly... [ chuckles ]

Sorry. She's --

No, it's fine.

I'm already snagged, but do you have a card?

You never know, right?

Huh?

Card.

She's wearing your underwear.

Thank you.

They're very...soft.

This is so nice of you.

I work for Harper & Diggs,

as you will see on my card that I --

I do in fact have... somewhere...please, God.

[ gagging ]

[ whimpering ]

Festus?

Festus?!

[ gagging ]

There's something stuck in his throat.

- What? - H-he can have broccoli, right?

[ gasps ]

D-do something!

Help!

Um...here --

I'll Heimlich him!

Ugh!

Come on, Festus! Breathe!

Stay with me, baby!

Ow!

Oh...

Are you okay?

Sure.

Just a little broccoli on my bare eyeball.

It was bound to happen eventually.

I am so sorry!

It's okay...really.

It's my fault for coming over to talk to you people.

Stupid dog!

Chokes on broccoli,

but has no problem licking himself.

Yeah? Well, I never choke.

There's one thing I'm good at --

swallowing stuff.

Like, circus good.

Seriously, when I was 5, I swallowed

my Mr. Potato Head's legs, arms, and both noses.

And let me tell you,

swallowing it was the easy part.

Focus!

Wait.

I know what to do, but you've gotta help me.

Know what feng shui is?

No...

but I bet I could swallow it.

Holly, you hungry --

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Ugh!

[ jingling, clattering ]

Are we dead?

If we are...

do I still have to watch "Riding in Cars with Boys"?

Hi...ohhh.

Hi!

And also -- what the hell?!

Well, I feng shuied the apartment --

like you wanted!

Um, see?

Uncooked rice for prosperity,

mirrors for chi flow,

um, serenity pool for relaxation,

and wind chimes for --

Holly, what did you --

Is that my bed?

In the kitchen?

It was the only place where it could face north --

for quiet slumber.

Holly...

- You -- - Are the best?

No. No, actually, what I was going to say --

[ water splashing ]

Holly, come on, it's okay. Where you going?

Japan.

I'm gonna go to bed.

[ sighs ]

Uh, you want me to get your night-light,

or should I just crack the fridge?

No, it's easy -- like this.

- What's that? - A skateboard.

- Whose? - Gary's.

Why's it here? Is he here? Who's Gary?

The guy you gave the chair to.

Glen?

Yeah. You said I could get it autographed for him.

I know that -- yes. Um, I'll hold it.

Val...

Thanks for still letting me come after I, you know,

"fenged" up your apartment.

Well, now that it's been "unfenged,"

let's just pretend like it never happened, okay?

Okay. I can do that.

So, the party is incredible.

Yeah, except they've shorted me two waiters,

we're low on ice,

and I think the balloon-animal guy is all liquored up.

Ah...that would explain this...

monkey.

Val...

if you're short on people, let me help.

Oh, no! I'm okay -- really.

You...just...

stay right here and, you know --

stay right here, okay?

Yeah.

Hey, uh, Tony,

where do you want me to put your stuff?

Um, right there's fine.

[ mid-tempo rock music plays ]

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

2...3.

Yes! Hi. That's my skateboard.

No, it isn't. I found it on my balcony.

That's because I dropped it off the roof.

Where do you think it came from?

God.

Everything okay?

Tony's skateboard is missing.

What?

I can't find it anywhere.

Oh, perfect! [ sighs ]

Okay, does he absolutely have to have it?

[ babbles ]

Okay, g-go. Keep looking.

Right.

Dt-dt. Oh!

Listen, if I don't get that skateboard back,

then my life as I know it in America is over.

So I'm asking you --

Interesting.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

For a gift from God?

It's all I have. What do you want?

Well...

you're kinda easy on the peepers.

How about we make out a little?

Ew -- perv!

Perv's got the skateboard.

Forget it.

All right -- one kiss.

No!

No kiss, no board.

All right, one kiss.

Uh, you wanna kiss me or swallow my head?

Close your mouth.

Now close your eyes.

Mmm...

Mmmmmm...

Mm-mwah!

Holy!

I know. Blows your mind, doesn't it?

Listen, I got a trundle bed --

Uh -- eh...

call me!

Perv!

Hey, did my board turn up?

Uh, no, Tony, it didn't,

but it will -- any minute -- I'm sure.

Well, what about this?

Oh...

My sister brought that.

Well, it'll work. Can I use it?

Uh...yes. Of course.

That is why we brought it --

as a backup for you.

See? I'm good. [ laughs ]

[ sighs ]

[ rattling ]

Don't be locked. Don't be locked.

Why be locked?

Ooh.

Hello.

[ upbeat music playing ]

[ cheering ]

[ suspenseful music plays ]

[ screaming ]

Ooh...Tony...

are you okay -- aah!

It's okay. It's okay. Everything's fine. Oh!

[ clanging ]

Aah!

So, how'd it go?

I'm sorry.

I...I...I can't talk to you right now.

You hate me.

Oh, I don't hate you.

I fear you!

Do you realize you could have gotten me fired?

I really didn't mean to.

What were you thinking?

You're 16 years old.

Am I supposed to babysit you every second?

[ grunting ]

I have a situation.

What kind of situation?

A "this mattress is kicking my butt" situation.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna go stay with Nana till Dad gets back.

You don't have to go stay with Nana, okay?

No.

Val, it's a good thing.

I should spend time with her while I still can.

What does that mean?

Oh, no!

Did Nana get busted?

It is for glaucoma.

You are so cute.

Look...Dad got another promotion at work.

But they're moving him -- us --

to Japan.

- Japan? - Japan?

This sucks!

That's what I said -- well, in my head.

I still have to pay Dad $1 every time I say "suck."

This is -- is unacceptable!

Wait, hold on a sec.

What if you were to say,

"hey, kid, don't suck your thumb"?

You still gotta pay him?

Okay, sweetie, could you go back to your situation

for a minute?

Sure.

This is unbelievable!

I...I'm your big sister, for crying out loud.

I'm supposed to be giving you the benefit of my experience.

Who's gonna give you that in Japan?

Jackie Chan?

- Chinese. - Chinese.

That's it.

You know, I'm just gonna call Dad right now.

I think he can pass on one promotion.

No, wait -- I don't want Dad to give this up.

It's a great thing for him.

[ beep ]

All right.

Just let me think for a second.

[ banging ]

Okay. Here's the deal.

You and I, we, uh, have our moments,

but we get along pretty well, right?

I like you, you like me.

Here's what I was thinking.

Um...maybe -- if you wanted to --

Dad would let you come and live here...with me --

if you wanted to.

I thought you were psyched about not having a roommate.

I was psyched about not having that roommate,

but [ laughs ] you don't sit in the dark all day.

You don't have hairy pits.

You don't invite strange men to sleep over.

You don't invite strange men to sleep over.

What about the choking dog and the feng shui?

You are my sister.

You're supposed to drive me crazy.

Come on.

I love you, bug.

This is gonna be so awesome!

We can stay up all night watching old movies

like we used to.

Yes, absolutely!

- We can go shopping in Soho. - Every weekend.

We can go to the East Village and get matching tattoos!

Not a chance in hell.

[ laughs ]

Aaaaaah!

[ crash ]

I was nowhere near that.

[ "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung plays ]

♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪

♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪

♪ Everybody wang chung tonight ♪

♪ Everybody have fun toni-- ♪

See? [ laughs ]

"Wang Chung" -- "have fun."

[ laughs ]

You people are dead inside!

I liked it.

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