Original subtitles

Not bad.

For a newb.

Cheat!

You're a stuck pig, lad.

Rude.

Come on.

On your feet.

Look, am I here for a reason?

As you know...

..I am your spirit guide.

And although the ancient laws prohibit Sean Bean

from interfering in the affairs of men...

..I've laid on a treat for you.

Call it an early birthday present.

Are we going to Comic-Con together?

I'm not going to Comic-Con, we'll get fucking mobbed!

No.

It's time you took a wench to the barn.

Sorry, what?

You know, put your custard in the pudding.

Stew your mutton.

Are these metaphors?

Pounce a peacock. Right, you're just saying words now.

Look...

it's time you lost your virginity, lad.

I had sex with Angelique on my French exchange.

Sheathe your sword.

Right, there you go again.

I mean, do you mean that literally, or is that another dig?

I don't know - both.

Oh, Skyscanner's got a flight to South Korea.

Is that the dictator one?

Gangnam Style one.

Oh, I like that video.

Maybe I'll go to South Korea.

You think you'll make it, though?

I mean, you didn't make it to India. Or London.

Or the Co-op.

So, I was supposed to go to this sex party with a holy man

and this girl we met on Snapchat,

but she can't make it because she's pregnant

and she doesn't want to run into any of the "dads",

so there's a spare ticket and we thought...

Morph, early birthday present?

ANGELIC CHORUS

Early birthday present. Good way to lose your V plates.

Alison - Angelique, French exchange.

Right, so we're all still...

That's still open?

I will come to this party to continue my adult sexual adventure.

Sorted.

So what is this sex party?

Big mansion, guest-list only, anyone can have sex with anyone.

Anyone? Anyone.

ANGELIC CHORUS

I would have invited everyone,

but obviously thought that would be weird for...

Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!

THEY GUFFAW

Why would that be weird?

Well, because, you two...

Yeah, but it didn't mean anything.

And Kent went straight to Bristol after, so...

Yeah, and Sarah didn't even stop me, or try and call me for a year, so...

OK, so, not weird at all.

Might be weird for him. Might be weird for her.

OK, I'll get the holy man to put you on the guest list.

Here's a picture of Angelique.

That's just an image search.

For sexy French girl. Yeah, and she came up first, so...

Gorgeous.

Yeah.

So, what do we wear to a sex party anyway?

Fucking hell!

OK. Next stop, sex party!

Before we set off - ground rules.

What, like no kissing on the mouth?

Mate, it's not Pretty Woman.

Oh, so you have seen Pretty Woman, Kent? Fuck!

How about, between us, no direct contact?

Let's say indirect contact only.

Like contact through another person.

Shall we say two people?

Yeah. That seems logical, yeah.

And whatever happens in there, we never talk about it again, ever.

Like if someone walks in,

and I'm wearing a strap-on pegging some dude,

you can't rag on me about it for ever.

You're into pegging?

No, I was just using that as an example.

It came to you pretty quick, though, didn't it?

Oh, I've got one. I don't want to see anyone's O face.

That goes without saying.

What if it happens by accident, Alison? Erm...

Right, another rule - you and me, never in the same room.

If I were you...

..I'd steer clear of room 42.

Why? What happens in room 42?

You come face-to-face with who you really are.

Condoms.

Femidoms.

Covering all the angles.

Protein bars. For recovery.

Verruca sock? In case there's a wet room.

Four cans of energy drink.

I don't know how long it's going to be.

Sudoku? There might be a waiting area.

Why do you have a knife? For the, er, oysters.

Behave yourself.

Fine.

This is just his ticket printed out again.

Oh, what, does that not work...?

Of course that doesn't fucking work!

For fuck's sake!

I was really looking forward to having sex with all them strangers.

Not as much as I was.

Or with as many of them.

I'll handle this. Hey, let them in.

I'm not going into a sex party without my sister.

Mate, just go in. This is weird.

Well, I bet you're bloody relieved.

What are you talking about?

Well, it works out well for you, doesn't it?

You get to say you're going to do something

and then don't actually do it.

Like...

India.

Kent, India and group sex are completely different.

Not according to my uncle.

If I'd have gone in there,

I would have had the biggest fucking orgy of my life,

and you'd have bottled it.

No, I would have marched right into the middle of that orgy

and fucking nailed it. Ha!

Bullshit! Kent, what do you want me to do,

you want me to break in and prove it?

What are you doing?

I'm wiping for fingerprints.

What? In case the sex police come?

Hello?

Hello?

I need some help, can you let me out?

Fucking hell!

I think I've been forgotten about.

Can you let me out?

Yeah, sure.

Don't fucking do it!

Huh? It's part of the game.

I'm pleading. All right, then, bye.

That's it. Can you leave the doors open, please?

What are you fucking doing?

Fuck's sake!

OK, last chance to back out.

I'm not backing out. Unless you're backing out.

I'm not backing out.

Yeah, good, co I'm not either.

I'm getting some sex. Yeah, me too.

(Good.)

MUSIC: Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison

Oh, made it in, then?

Is this it? Oh, no.

There's also a buffet.

MUSIC: Oh Carolina by Shaggy

Drummers are still warm.

Oh, come on, mate, not in the dip.

Where's holy man? Mingling.

HE GRUNTS

I barely see him at these things.

He gets massive FOMO, so he works out his timetable beforehand.

I just meet him after for a Calippo.

So, Morph, want to hit the mattresses?

Oh, right. Is that what we're doing then?

Well, that's why you're here, isn't it?

Listen, before we go into that dimly lit area,

I need to tell you something.

It concerns my virginity, and it may come as a bit of a shock.

What, you have lost it? No, I'm saying I haven't.

No. No! Shut the front door!

I did not expect that.

Because it was a very well constructed lie,

and I'm sorry for deceiving you so expertly.

But what about Angelique?

I'm sorry to say, I made her up.

But what about all those e-mails you've been showing us

for the past eight years? Fake.

I hoodwinked you all. But that would mean you'd have to set up

a fake e-mail address, send yourself e-mails,

then reply to yourself over and over again for eight years.

Which is why you were all so convinced.

And I feel bad about it.

I don't think you need to, mate.

The truth is...

I've never given away my flower...

..because I wanted my first time to be with someone special.

Maybe I can help with that.

MUSIC: I Don't Want To Wait by Paula Cole

Cos everyone here is really up for it.

And they've already had the menopause, so, low risk.

Yeah, makes sense.

Come on.

CRACK Take it, you dirty slag.

GRUNTING

Have it, you mucky bastard! CRACK

Would you like some of that?

Oh, yes!

I don't know, is there anything a bit less...spanky. Not really.

I don't really understand the process.

Do you have sex after the spanking, or is the spanking, like, a test?

You won't know unless you try.

This is my virginity we're talking about, not Dr Pepper!

Get involved. All right.

Er, excuse me.

Is there a queue? Or...or is it a number...

You do exactly what I say, maggot.

Mr Rogerson?

Man alive, Paul Durkin?

I haven't seen you since...

GCSE geography.

How are you?

Yeah, good. I mean, I feel a bit weird right now.

I remember you did the best oxbow lake coursework I've ever read.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I spent the whole summer on that, I mean, I can't believe you remember.

You don't forget when a boy hands in a CD-ROM!

So, you're still teaching?

No, no, got into a bit of bother with that.

I'm a postman now.

Right. You had a sister, didn't you?

Very pretty. Is she here?

She...died.

CRACK, GROANING

Don't look for her.

Go, go, go!

Have it, you dirty cow!

So Mr Rogerson's a perv.

Yep, turns out it's always the ones you do suspect.

Well, we can always try the sploshing chamber.

Alison, I don't think this is working out.

Excuse me. Can one of you untie me?

Mate, we've heard about you. We know you don't want us to untie you.

I know I said that. But that was an hour ago.

It's really cutting off my circulation.

He's quite convincing, isn't he?

You're overthinking this.

We just need to get you shagged.

No, this whole party isn't working for me.

I want...romance, some ceremony.

I can't feel my balls.

I don't think you're going to find that here.

I might do if I was with yo..

Fucking hell!

No, wait, I didn't mean... Check out that lot.

CHANTING MUSIC

You're not going to get much more ceremonious than that.

Hmmm,

it does look a bit less spanky.

Go on. Enjoy yourself.

See what they're up to.

Please, help me.

You need a safe word, mate.

I have got a safe word, it's tomato.

Tomato! All right, all right.

What the fuck are you doing? You said tomato.

It's not the real safe word.

Well, what's the real one?

You'll never hear me say it.

MUSIC: Turn Down for What by DJ Snake & Lil Jon

MOANING

The drink tokens only cover house white and Lilt,

so I got two of each. Oh, the old Yeovil martini.

So...? We're just going to neck these and then...

..get on it. Yes.

Do you reckon any younger people are going to turn up? I really hope so.

Hey. Where have you been?

Room 39.

MUSIC: Ironic by Alanis Morissette

All right, fucknots.

Where's Morph? Did he find a room full of imaginary French girls?

No, he went in this weird room upstairs

with all these eyes wide shut peeps. Oh, no.

Room 42.

CHANTING

GONG STRIKES

Hello.

Fucking hell!

Who are you? My name is Angelica.

Kind of like a...

English Angelique.

Mm-hm.

If it pleases.

Sorry, we are in process.

I can't let you in at this time.

Or you, ever.

Fair enough, yeah. Room 42 adheres to a strict set of rules

that we take very seriously.

THEY SNIGGER

Are you laughing at my...penis?

No. No.

What about my penis do you find funny?

I mean, it's disproportionately large for your frame.

It kind of waggles up and down when you tell us off.

And it is a bit of a horse cock, mate.

Right, so we're playing silly buggers, are we?

Please leave or I'll be forced to call the dungeon Master.

All right, listen, Voldermort, we're not in fucking Hogwarts, right.

We're ten minutes outside of Yeovil,

so can you please open that fucking door?

Where's your wristband?

Spliff? Spliff.

Feels nice.

Good. I should probably tell you, it's my first time.

Mine too.

GONG STRIKES

They're pretty synchronised.

Ssh! Sorry.

So, what happens next?

Kneel down with me.

Close your eyes.

OK.

And also your mouth. What?

Argh! No, no, no, no!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Hey, be honest. Do you think if you stayed in there,

you'd've actually had sex?

I want to say no, but I haven't had a shag in fucking ages.

Maybe if there were more drink tokens.

Oh, right, so you didn't have sex with dread head?

Only petting. What about the bat man?

Nah, but that might be because I stabbed him.

It's been pretty dry too, for me, to be fair.

Since I got back.

But there were loads of girls in Brazil, right?

Nada. I don't think I've had sex since...

Me too.

Kent...

Yeah.

Is that man wanking?

Mr Rogerson!

Kent Blackwell, how are you keeping?

Oi! Shoo! Get out of it.

What the fuck happened to you?

I don't want to talk about it.

Morpheus got pissed on.

Oh, so we're just talking about it, are we?

You got off lightly, mate. When I was in room 42...

I'm going to go back in.

Open the gates!

At least you can save it for someone special.

Mate, put a towel down.

I didn't bring a towel. You brought fucking oysters!

There's one in the boot.

Me again.

Argh!

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Is that all you've got to say about it?

You do know six men pissed on me, right?

Maybe there's a lesson in it.

What? I don't know.

Be yourself?

Is that the best you've got?

You laid this on for me. I thought you had a plan, Sean.

I'm managing it from a distance, I don't have boots on the ground.

And remember...

I'm just your subconscious.

You've got to take some responsibility.

No. Actually, I think you've got to take some responsibility.

You what? You've been a shit spirit guide.

Now it's time I killed you.

Killed me?

Come on, Sean Bean.

You die in everything.

Yeah. Fair enough.

Morpheus. Yes.

Make it a clean strike.

I'll try my best.

But it's my first time, so...

You'll do fine.

CLANG

Ah!

Sean Bean?

I just killed you.

One does not simply kill Sean Bean.

Oh, my God. Best day ever!

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