Original subtitles

Carvery's on me today, guys. I got a promotion at Bird Zone.

Well done, man. What are you doing now?

You are looking at the brand-new penguin master.

- Phew! - They still got that fibreglass polar bear there?

- Yes, they do. - I wanked your cousin off behind that.

Oh.

Come through. Come through.

Stop letting people go ahead of us! I'm fucking starving!

You must control your base instincts to reap maximum rewards from the carvery.

Oh, Morph, no-one cares about your stupid system.

First, like the hunter, you wait for a moment to pounce,

which is when they bring out the new turkey.

Then begins the strategy.

Meat goes into the middle.

You're only allowed three, so ask for turkey, pork and beef.

Then say, "Oh, I wanted gammon, not pork."

I call that the Carnifour.

Vegetables - baked ones only.

Potatoes, parsnips and stuffing. Be careful with the stuffing,

cos it's always next to the peas.

Arrange sauces like an artist's palette.

Then most important of all...

the Yorkshire pudding crown.

Add your gravy pond, and for a bit of fun,

mashed potato ducks.

And that, my friends, is the perfect carvery.

All I'm trying to say is watch part three again, cos it's really not that bad.

CHATTER Come through.

- Fresh meat! - Fuck it - mine!

- Mmm! - Ahhh!

- Not eating your carvery, Morph? - It's not a carvery, is it?

It's an absolute outrage!

- No fucking Yorkshire! - I'll have it. - No!

We're leaving that as a message.

You know! You fucking know!

Fuck!

Tone it down.

Can we talk?

Might be best.

Hiya.

- So...lately... - I know.

- I mean, it's not... - Oh, no, no, no.

Thank God. But you...

Hey.

- Because... - It's cool.

Well...

You too.

Yeah.

What a bell-end! Can you believe that?!

Sorry, believe what, exactly?

- I mean, you heard what he said. - Not really.

We go out together, he moves me in, we set up a harness, and then...

we break up. He just doesn't know what he wants.

Alison, if there's anything I can do...

Oh, I know it's a Sunday, but can we just get really, really drunk?

Agreed. But not in this pub.

After this carvery debacle, I hope the staff DIE IN A HOUSE FIRE!

- Bit much, mate! - Is it, though? Actually, is it?

A carvery without a Yorkshire!

I BITE MY THUMB AT THEE, SIR!

I BITE MY THUMB AT THEE!

- Well, this is it. - We're gonna have to try... -..the other pub.

No-one goes in the Swan since they done it up.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

LAUGHTER

MANIC LAUGHTER

Pints, then?

Guys, I don't like it here!

The rugby's on.

Cucumber...water?

Shall we do one?

Guys, we're here for Alison.

So let's pull up a chair.

It's screwed to the floor.

Guys...apparently, it's table service.

MANIC LAUGHTER ECHOES

Where are we?

FLAMES CRACKLE

Oh! This should be comfortable, but it isn't.

- What? - I said...

- We should be able to talk. - What the fuck is that?

- Are you Facebook stalking him? - No!

I'm on his porn hub.

Would you like any olives?

- Do we have to pay for olives? - Yes.

Then...no.

Er, guys, promotion!

We will have the olives, my love, and some fucking wasabi peanuts.

Oh, shit!

Don't look. Don't look. It's Alistair from school.

- Oh, fuck, I'd forgotten about him. - He's such a loser.

He's always following me around, wanting to hang out with me.

So his mum phoned my mum and he came round to my house then pissed in my paddling pool.

I told him to stop pissing, but he kept on going and smiling at me like a Moomin.

Oh, my God!

What are you guys doing here?

Just thinking about leaving actually.

When was the last time we were all together? Probably school.

That old building we used to go to every day, having lessons!

SARKY LAUGHTER I went past it the other day.

Still there!

It is, isn't it?

And I saw Mrs Ryan the other week, getting some petrol. Mental!

Mate, we're trying to have a drink, so...

Me too. We should have one together.

I'd rather suck Morpheus's cock.

Whoa!

Blackwell! Still on form!

Is anyone sitting here?

- So, what are you doing at the moment? - Er, well, actually,

I'm penguin master at Bird Zone.

- That's great, mate! - Yeah. Things turned out pretty all right.

So what are you up to, then, Alistair from school?

I mean, Alistair from now.

Oh, um...I'm the landlord in here. LAUGHTER

Nom, you're not. You work at the fucking Co-op!

When I was doing my BTEC. Then I saved up, bought this place.

You run a bloody pub?

- You're 20 fucking 4! - I know, yeah!

And we've just had a refurb, so we've now got Giant Jenga, Dyson Airblade...

And weird fake candles.

We've even got a hot tub out the back. Crazy!

Hats off to you Alistair! I run a small business myself.

I know how bloody hard it can be.

Annual tax returns. Oh!

Annual?!

- Here are your olives. - Thank you, Rosalita.

Rosalita's from Leicester.

Bloody hell!

- Guys, my treat. - Don't be silly!

- These are on the house. - I can pay for my own fucking drinks. I'm penguin master.

- Bloody hell! - Come on. Take a drink from an old friend.

You're not our friend! You're a fucking Moomin.

Blackwell!

I will have all the shots, please.

He's not even that fit, is he?

Delete. Delete.

Revenge porn.

Delete.

So...about the holy man.

Not sure he was ever right for you.

Maybe I was punching above my weight.

He's so sophisticated.

Whatever he is, he's history.

I think you should jump straight back on the horse. Maybe a bigger, sturdier horse.

- Like a rebound? - Exactly!

Well, to begin with. It starts with a rebound, then you slowly realise...

- Right in the holy man's face! - What...?

Sorry, Morph. I just want to see that skinny bastard suffer.

Oh, right, see that skinny bastard suffer, yeah.

Could you pretend to be my boyfriend?

Yes, please. With all of my heart, yes!

Excuse me!

- So what happens now - another kiss? - He's coming over. Put your arm round me. - OK.

- One arm. - Got it.

Er...

So, you are, um...

- with him now. - Absolutely.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

- In fact, we're engaged. - We're not engaged.

- We're engaged to be engaged. - Mmm.

Seems...a bit quick.

Actually, Morpheus always had feelings for me, didn't you?

Since the first day I met you.

So there you have it.

And I would do anything for her.

I would walk through hell for this woman

and fight Satan in bare-knuckle combat

until his fiery hooves tore the skin from my hands!

Fair enough.

- What is wrong with that guy?! - I just don't know.

He's gone now, mate.

Cool, yeah.

Would you recommend the merlot or the rioj-er?

Sod all that. Get some ale down your neck, lad.

Sure.

Thanks.

- Is that a full pint? - Aye.

A bit surprised to see you here.

Didn't know you could appear in the real world. Thought we had to meet in that magical forest.

Wish I hadn't now. This fucking place!

There's a fella over there sat with no socks on.

If he did that in the tavern, he'd be cut from nave to chaps.

- Twat! - Cool.

So, why are you here, spirit guide?

I know what you're up to, Morpheus.

But do you really want to be the rebound guy?

Well, if I get through the door as the rebound guy,

it gives me something to build on.

Then, over time, we phase out the rebound

and I just become the guy

or the husband.

It never works, man.

Take it from somebody who knows a bit about women.

With all due respect, you and Catelyn Stark,

that wasn't exactly fireworks, mate.

Watch Lady Chatterley's Lover then come back to me.

- You were in Lady Chatterley's Lover? - IMDB, mate.

Fucking hell - GoldenEye!

Wow!

Morpheus...

Heed my advice. If you go after Alison,

it will end in sorrow.

Sorrow!

Sorrow...

Sorrow...

Sorrow...

SORROW!

- OK, so you know your VAT return? - Yeah.

What is that?

Oh, right, OK. So, basically, every quarter, you want to compile all your invoces and receipts...

- Right. - ..make sure they're safe and sound. If you have a safe, pop them in there.

HIS VOICE BECOMES MUFFLED

Big words, big words, grown-up stuff.

Adult, adult, real man.

Business stuff, financial words, impressive things.

Impressed, impressed.

Better than Kent. EVIL LAUGHTER

Witty anecdote, ?50 note...

Spotify Premium? Didn't think so!

I like to keep all my invoices in a pillow case, cos it...

Remember when you shat yourself in Physics?

God! Yeah, I haven't thought about that in a while.

I think about it all the time and it's still just as funny.

He was 11, though.

Yeah, and he filled his pants with shit, in front of the whole class!

It's classic! You never lived that one down, did you?

No, I guess not.

No.

Kent shat himself in a cab last week.

No, that was different.

I was on drugs.

Oh...

- Game of pool? - No, you'll probably just whip me like you used to.

Don't worry - I'll go easy on ya.

- So, just to clarify, Kent, you are the yellow balls, right? - Yes!

I cannot believe I'm seven balls up on Blackwell. Flukey or what?

Or blatant cheating!

- Come on, Maradona. Your shot. - OK.

Ha! Touched the white! Two shots to me.

- Shut that face up! - He's right - I did touch it.

I'm gonna need a rest.

Oh, we don't have a rest.

You haven't got a rest?! He hasn't got a rest!

Yeah, he's got a pool table, though, in the pub he owns.

Yeah, but he hasn't got a rest, have you? You prick!

BALL CLACKS SHARPLY

Come on, Morph, it's now or never. Just book it.

Z-I-I-IP!

Just book it.

I wanna wake up

In a city that doesn't sleep...

- Don't do it, Morpheus! - Jesus!

- You're appearing on posters now? - So what?

Just seems like your rules are really loose.

I'm Sean Bean. I can do what I like.

About Alison - you're thinking wi' your...

It's quite an eyeful!

But Alison wants a man who knows what he wants

and I want to take her to the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day

and then to that big sandwich place from When Harry Met Sally.

I'm telling you, Morpheus... don't book it!

You need to check Groupon first.

Did you just look down again?

No. Just accidentally.

Get out of my head, Sean Bean!

'2005.'

Easy. Miley Cyrus.

You sure it's not Hannah Montana?

Hannah Montana was the character in the show, you fucking goon!

OK. Miley Cyrus.

Well done, Alistair(!) Just press the button before we've all decided.

- But you said... - I was presenting a debate, you helmet.

- For the group to discuss. - We thought you were team captain. You made a pretty big deal out of that.

Yeah, because I'm better than him. And I can prove it.

Chins. We both take it in turns to punch each other in the face until one of us gives up.

I don't know if I want to do that.

What?! You scared or something?

- Gonna piss yourself, like you did in my paddling pool? - No.

- I just thought we were having a nice night. - Well, we're not. We're having a fight.

And why has that happened, then?

Because someone needs to realise who rules the fucking roost around here!

Guys, why not get your dicks out and measure them instead?

- We don't wanna do that! - I don't... No. - Come on.

You punch me first.

- You want me to punch you? - Yeah.

- What - in your face? - Yeah.

With, like, a closed fist?

- Yeah. - OK. - Come on, then!

Hit me! Then we'll see who the big man is.

OK. Um, look...

If you wanna be the big man, you can,

because I'm pulling out.

Look, you're prepared to do this. I'm not.

So, congratulations - you win...big man.

Shake on it.

OK, I'll shake on it.

Fuck!

What was that?

A punch.

- While we were shaking hands? - Yeah.

I did that.

Blackwell!

Alistair!

Let's go and get in the hot tub! He's fucking me in the ear - he doesn't even mean it!

Hoo!

Ooh, New York...

Alison.

I've got something to tell you and I want everyone to hear.

I love you.

I've always loved you.

And I can't live another moment without you knowing.

- Bloody hell, Morph! - And there's more.

As tomorrow's Valentine's day, I am taking you...

It's OK, you can drop the act.

The plan worked.

We're back on!

- Really? - Yeah, it was quite romantic, actually.

He told me he missed me, then cut off a lock of his hair

and tied it to mine while I was tugging him off in the bogs.

Aye.

Ohhh!

Well, that is...smashing!

Really fucking smashing!

Bloody hell!

Mazel tov!

So, hot tub?

You make an honest woman of her!

Well...early days, so...

Eh?

Sorry.

I've got shaking hands and shit. Even when he's being the smaller man, he has to be the biggerman.

Maybe you should have a little cry about it.

- He's a prick! - Is he, though? Or maybe you're just a bit jealous.

Jealous?! Of him?!

It's just...

I sleep on your couch, and I've never got any fucking money.

It's not that bad.

You're penguin master!

No. I made that up.

I'm assistant penguin master.

Does the penguin master need an assistant?

Not really.

Just makes me clean up the fish and shit.

Even the fucking Moomin's doing better than me!

All right, OK, so maybe he's got all this stuff,

but...he's still a Moomin.

And he looks up to you.

Still want to fucking get him, though.

Are you...pissing?

Right in his paddling pool!

OK. I'm doing it too!

- Not on me! - No, I'm pointing it that way!

Point it that way.

Hit a warm spot!

That's weird.

It's an online check-in request from BA on the shop email.

It's probably spam. Don't even read it!

Well, no. Apparently there's two tickets booked to New York for tomorrow for Valentine's Day.

- Give me the phone - I'll show you it's fake. - Looks pretty real.

Passenger one is you and passenger two is Alis...

HISSING

..stair!

Alistair.

Alistair.

- Me? - Yeah.

You're with me, buddy!

It was supposed to be a...

..surprise

to say thank you for...

..such a great night.

- t's a bit weird, mate. - No, it's the normal thing one friend does for another, Kent.

- For Valentine's Day? - That was a Groupon. The date was arbitrary.

So, Alistair, what do you say? Because I can easily cancel it and I might be able to get a refund.

Well... Bloody hell, Morph!

I...I'd love to!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

This is really happening!

We...we...

are going to New York together.

- In four hours! - Mazel tov!

The Big Apple!

Start spreading the news

THEY HUM ALONG

I'm leaving today

I want to be a part of it

New York...

Look - Times Square!

Woo!

Brooklyn Bridge...Rockefeller...

There's a shop!

We're actually in the hood!

Morph's just chillin'.

Oh, my God, Morph! Try it on!

- Looks amazing. - Thanks.

Oh, look, Morph! Morph!

I'm walking here.

He we are in an authentic American diner.

I'll have what he's having.

ALISTAIR LAUGHS

Here's the master suite hotel room.

That's our bed - double. Two lads, bit awkward, but hilarious.

There's Morph! MORPH SOBS

He's loving life.

No, I think he's feeling a bit overwhelmed.

You all right, Morph?

Get out!

And find I'm king of the hill

Top of the heap

These little town blues

Are melting away...

I'll make a brand new start of it

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