Original subtitles

It started at the shop - preloading with shots at the till.

Alison played tattoo ninja. Kent bet he could do bong shots.

He said it's made him psychic. I pretended to be a Jedi.

Alison got the sword. It was time to go. Taxi to Bath.

Pretended to be Heath Ledger's Joker. It was fucking cool.

Straight into Infernos. It was full of townies. We had it anyway.

Two-for-one on shots. Some creep hit on Alison.

Rescued her with a dance wall.

Kent and Sarah danced slow because "they're just good friends".

Creep circled again. Dance wall held.

Tried my new vape stick. Banoffee pie.

Alison deep-throated a glow stick.

I love her with all of my soul.

Kent met a girl on the dance floor.

Sarah took it well.

Then we all got hammered.

I fucking love Bath.

Adventure Time is so cool.

I mean, it's meant for kids, but it's actually on two levels.

Oi, Tinkerbell, what the fuck are you doing in our cab?

Don't listen to her. She's just at stage one anger.

Stage one? There's seven stages of Sarah

She'll be at stage two in a minute. What's stage two?

Pull over! Pull over!

Sarah!

Get the fuck out of my cab!

It just noises now. No flow.

Maybe we should try and find some shelter.

Like, a deserted barn when you can actually see the stars

shining through the roof. Yes!

What? And get eaten alive by rats?

Oh, I fucking hate rats. Oh, I think they're cute.

I know, it's their little noses, isn't it? Ye

I'll try Barry's Cabs.

Mate, mate, mate, mate. Tell us what happens in Adventure Time?

So you can continue to lie about who you are?

I was pretending I've seen a cartoon, what's your problem?

Ever since you met Sophie you've been painting an image of

yourself that is, quite frankly, unrepresentative.

Yeah, because I'm trying to shag her. Poetic.

You look a right self-righteous prick when you smoke that.

Well, excuse me for avoiding cancer.

No-one's answering.

So, we're fucking stranded!

I've got my driving test in the morning.

I need to be home and sober now.

Then, shouldn't you stop drinking?

No, because the fresh air balances me out.

I'll try Starlight.

It's definitely fine now.

Oh...

Hi up, lad.

Oh! Sean Bean.

You scared my balls off.

I lost my balls in battle. Seriously?

Only joking, lad.

Frostbite.

OK.

You don't have a cab number, do you?

Morpheus,

no carriage is coming for you tonight,

and this group needs a leader.

It's your quest to get this lot home.

Oh. My. God.

You're giving me a quest?

Sean Bean is giving me a quest!

Calm down, calm down. Am I going to find a ri

I should never have said quest, I just...used the wrong word.

It's down to you,

to lead this group

on the eight mile walk back to Neston Berry.

Challenge accepted.

Now, will there be an amulet, or...

No amulets. For fuck's sake.

Got it.

Getting a bit cold now, innit.

Almost like the seasons are changing.

Almost like summer is over and winter is...

I'm not saying it.

Fair enough.

Just once. No!

Please. Not a chance.

The quest begins.

Can I just say, walking is shit? Can't we just stick to the road?

Alison, this app crowd sources routes from all its users,

to create perfect short cuts through rural areas.

Follow this line, we'll pop out by the petrol station.

Just use Google maps like every other fucker.

Wait. That's weird.

It says 72 people have passed this way in the last week but the

route stops here.

What's that light?

X FILES-TYPE MUSIC

That...is someone wearing a head torch.

Look, there's another one.

What are they actually doing out here?

X FILES-TYPE MUSIC CONTINUES

Morph, I think you might have downloaded a dogging app.

Oh, come on, Back Passages is not a...

Actually, now I've said it out loud... There

How is this going to work out?

ALL: Oh.

The one in the middle is having a good night.

It's actually kind of beautiful.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Is that... Another one, just watching?

There's nothing wrong with watching.

ALL SCREAM

Is there a petrol station round here?

Yeah, two mile down that way.

Thanks. Erm...

Your fly's undone.

Yeah. I know.

Bye.

And can I have some.... Head torch batteries?

No, paracetamol and less assumptions from you.

Right, well, it's ?�10 minimum but if you did want the batteries we

got a deal on where you get half-price condoms and

a pair of fingerless gloves.

Ew.

Just get us a bottle of voddy.

You're drinking vodka now?

Do you want to fail your driving test? No.

That's why I got the Red Bull. They cancel each other out.

You actually might want to come and see this.

MESSAGE ALERT PINGS

KENT'S VOICE: Panicky face emoji.

Ah, stage three. Mischief.

What is she actually doing?

I've seen this before.

Are you making mixed race biscuits?

SHE WHIMPERS

Aww.

Kent? Kent? Oh, Jesus Christ.

God, you've been fucking ages.

I didn't know you were... What's wrong with the toilet?

It's out of order. This is absolutely disgusting.

Calm down, mate. It's only a street dump. Y

You've got a name for it! Kent, this is a working petrol station.

Families stop here for provisions.

Just pass me the tissues and keep a lookout for Sophie.

A human would have waited until we got home.

I can't let Sophie anywhere near this.

If I dropped this at home, the whole house would be nuked.

You wouldn't understand cos you're a virgin.

I had sex on my French exchange.

Yeah, with the mysterious Angelique who's not even on Facebook.

Look, if you have to pretend be someone else in front of your

girlfriend then maybe she isn't right for you.

Yeah, well, if you have to pretend your girlfriend exists,

maybe you're a bit fucking nuts.

Hey, aren't you going to clean that up?

Street dump, mate.

You with the sad eyes.

Fucking, hell, Kent.

Don't be discouraged Oh I realise.

Jesus.

It's hard to take courage In a world full of people.

This is disgusting.

# You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you

# Can make you feel so small

# But I see your true colours And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid.

All done now.

It's horrible.

You know it's coming, but you're never quite prepared.

It's like a giant burning "Fuck you!" in the sky.

It's a shining beacon of hope for our quest.

If we keep up with this pace,

we'll be back on the sofa in time for Saturday Kitchen.

Oh, my God! It's still here!

Quest cancelled, mate. At least till stage three's over.

Sarah, get off! Never!

Might as well skin up then. Driving test. F

Although if I do get stoned,

I'll sleep really deeply and wake up even fresher.

Fuck it. Roll up a fatty.

SARAH CHEERS

Quest.

Apparently when they write Adventure Time, they smoke pot,

which is why it's actually so random.

Do you watch...anything else?

I don't know, is that on Netflix? Enjoy.

Kent, I don't normally actually go home with boys I've just met,

but we've got so much in common.

I mean, we both love Pokemon, Wes Anderson films.

And I cannot wait to play badminton with you.

Huh. Although no rush on that. Yeah.

Brownie can suck my dick!

I actually don't do drugs. It's not drugs, it's weed.

I'd have a go on your friend's vape stick though.

That actually looks so fun. I mean, banoffee pie.

Yeah, that's lovely that.

Ow! Lend us your vape.

I thought it was for self-righteous pricks. It i

and people desperately trying to impress self-righteous pricks, so...

Sophie. I don't know, man.

Maybe you're right, maybe completely lying about who I am isn't

the healthiest way to start a relationship. Sho

Vaporiser's in here somewhere. Hold this.

Boof! Boof! Boof!

Hold that. What is it?

That is your mess. What?

The mess you made behind the garage that you forced me to clean up.

Dude, what the fuck?!

You're carrying a turd around in your record bag!

Well, until I find somewhere to put it, yes, I am.

Or there? Or anywhere that isn't inside your own fucking bag?!

Children play in these woods, Kent.

When I was six, I went down a slide straight over a fresh one.

I had someone else's poo in my own pants.

I will NOT do that to someone else!

Is that the slide on Padstock Green?

Do not tell me that was one of yours. I...I will

Oh, fuck's sake!

I can't believe I was about to take advice off a man

who's carrying around a shit.

I'm not carrying it around indefinitely.

Just until we find a dog waste bin. You're fucking nuts.

Seriously, mate. A shit in a bag?

Put this in here.

Come on, lad, why have you got a mucky in your bag?

Oh, so you're taking his side. We've all been there.

Sean Bean does street dumps?

I live in medieval times, every dump's a street dump.

I've done it outside a tavern, in ditches. Dropped one off a horse.

Once left one on a drawbridge. Right.

Look, you're supposed to be my spirit guide.

I thought you had my back, Sean. Look, I do, lad. I do.

But I need you to think about what you're doing. Look inside yourself.

I gave you this quest. Ah, so it is a quest.

It's not a quest, it's a... You've said it now so you can't.

Fuck's sake.

What flavour's that? Banoffee pie.

Nice. I've got the same.

I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!

She's on stage four - self-doubt.

Swing back over and we'll try and catch you.

We'll definitely catch you. Hopefully.

And come back to what, my shitty little life?

Actually I think she's skipped straight to stage five -

existential doubt.

That was quick. It normally takes at least an hour and a bag of chips.

You're just trying to trick me so I fall,

cos none of you have ever liked me.

Oh, for God's sake. We don't all hate you.

I suppose you've all had a laugh about my Kickstarter video too,

for my novel! We didn't know about that.

What's it called? It's called The Mill On The Moor.

It's about a disfigured man in a windmill, who meets

a beautiful time-travelling girl with short blond hair.

Don't pretend you didn't know that!

Oh, I found it. One view.

Come on. You're just having the booze panics.

Swing back over so we can get, like, an hour's sleep.

No. The water's my only friend because it's black, like my soul.

Take me to your dark heart of doubt.

Doubt. Doubt.

Doubt!

Doubt. Doubt.

I am the booming voice of doubt.

That tweet you posted four years ago might have come out a bit racist.

Doubt. Doubt. That itch in your ear is probably spiders' eggs.

Doubt. Doubt.

There's apps that can tell people

when you stalk their Facebook. Doubt.

You went to a reggae night instead of visiting Grandma...

Pass the dutchie...

And she died. Doubt. Doubt.

Fingernails are indigestible.

There's a ball of them in your intestines and it's only

getting bigger. They can't form a ball.

Maybe you should watch Adventure Time like that girl

he likes more than you. Actually... Actually...

Your hair is thinning a bit, maybe.

Do you love reggae more than Grandma? Maybe I

And now she's dead because of you.

CACKLING AND SCREAMING

Oh, my God, is she actually having a fit?

No, it's just the booming voice of self-doubt.

I'm sorry, Grandma.

I just love the dark.

Why are we so wet? Because you Tom Daley-e

Why did we go to a puddle? Because your brother's a dogger.

Why are we so wet? Guys, she's looping. W

Is that a curry house doing a breakfast special?

That's a mirage. There's no curry house on this road.

You can't mirage a curry house.

You mirage a complete twat. Right, let's get in

Curry breakfast?!

There's a second time for everything AND it will sober her up and

we'll end up saving time. Bosch!

I actually don't really like spicy foods.

Get some fucking chips then!

As a side and we'll share.

Whatever you like. We haven't got time for a curry!

There's always a time for a curry. Not when my driving test is...

almost in the past. You know what?

Fuck it. It'll just be the same as last time.

I'll get overexcited, do 80 on a B road

and end up pulling deer chunks out of my radiator.

Alison, if you quit now,

this whole quest will be for nothing.

Why am I so wet? BOTH: You fell in a puddle!

Fuck! Come on, Alison.

Imagine what it would be like to drive yourself to Odeon.

You're right. I could get my own pick and mix.

And then we wouldn't keep brushing hands in the bag accidentally.

Yeah, accidentally. OK, guys, I'm fucking do

Cheers! No, stop drinking.

Oh, got it, yeah. Company, march.

Guys, this place is massive.

There's this whole other area back there that's completely empty.

At first, I thought it was a mirror, but turns out it's the whole

function room. Who has a curry function?

Actually, I would love that.

Please come here for my funeral. Why is it always a funeral with you?

Why is it never a function when you're alive?

I just like the idea of everyone missing me and talking about me

and having a lovely curry. Fine, we'll have a

Or Pizza Express in Bath. Ultimately, it's your day.

I just had the weirdest chat with your mate.

She kept saying, "We're cool,"

and then she actually... Tried to kiss you.

Yeah. Stage 6.5 - temporary lesbianism.

You don't always get that one. Hello, Alison.

Mm. Excuse me. Can I get a Cobra please? Sophie?

I've actually got a bit of a headache.

Morph brought some paracetamol. MORPHEUS: It'

SARAH: Is that my shish? Here you go.

No! Don't, don't...! Oh, God! Ah!

Morph, what the fuck? Yeah, Morph, what the fuck?

SARAH: What the fuck?

MORPHEUS: (I haven't found a dog poo bin.)

(Why have you got a dog turd?!) It's OK. It's OK.

It's not an actual dog turd, it's human. Oh!

Shit! That's fucking gross! Mate!

Fuck's sake! I couldn't just leave it on the

Yes, you could! Who does a poo on the str

It's disgusting! It's... Are you fucked? Are you sick in the head?

I mean, what's wrong with you? Are you, like, some kind of animal?

Yes, Sophie. I am, in fact, an animal.

I've had problems with my bowels for many years now.

At the age of five, I was told I had IBS. I can't control it...

It's fine. I've got this.

It was me. I do street dumps. Semi-regularly.

It's how I roll. It's a part of who I am.

And if you can't deal with it, then,

well, I guess we shouldn't be together.

Thank you.

(Well done, mate. Thank you.)

Is that my shish? ECHOES: NO!

SHE GASPS

MUSIC: Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss

Nice of them to give us the hot towels.

I could've done with more mints though. Did

Let's go inside, let's go to bed and never speak of this again.

Or...cheeky fry up? How can you want to ea

Stage seven - bacon.

Sorry about Sophie, mate. Yeah. I should've listened to you.

You know, there was a moment then, where just for a second

I thought she was going to be OK with it.

Was that before or after she was covered in shit?

Before.

Definitely before.

Quest complete.

It's not a quest!

Can't take it back, Bean.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Ah, bollocks!

S-Slow down. S-Slow down. Brake. Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!

Not again!

# I can't stand it I know you planned it

# I'ma set it straight This Watergate

# I can't stand rocking when I'm in here

# Because your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear

# So while you sit back and wonder why

# I got this fucking thorn in my side

# Oh, my God, it's a mirage

I'm tellin' y'all it's sabotage.

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