Original subtitles

Right, so, nothing special, just a little a la Jamie Oliver paella.

I thought I said no carbs, Neil.

Help yourself to salad.

Right, so cheers, everyone. Hope you enjoy it.

I'll do the cheers around here, Neil. Mel, put your fork down.

Film this.

Where do I start?

If someone had told me 14 years ago that I would be sat round this table

with Melanie in her current state,

and a local prostitute,

and that we would now be in a band together,

I would have said to that person, "You've got to be kidding me.

"I mean, I'm not fucking desperate."

It's not quite the dream I had in mind

but I'm excited to see what happens next.

To the future. To Variety.

- To Variety! - Variety! - Woo! Variety.

Mel? Mel!

Mel, are you planning on doing any work this morning?

Sorry, Max, I'm just reading a very sweet story about a woman

who is in love with the ghost of a Victorian.

- Oh, my God. - That's what I thought at first but who are we to judge love?

She said that when they make love he makes her feel special,

even though he's from another era.

Not that. It's Sweet Gyal, they've got a publishing deal.

'Oh, my God, guys, we have had the maddest week.

Finally shit is popping off.

Who wants to tell them what's been going down?

What language is that? What's she saying?

- We've signed a publishing deal. - With WRM records, bitches.

What are they wearing? God, they're off-brand.

Shout out, Sam Clinton!

Sam Clinton?

All men are the same. Complete scum. Can't trust any of them.

Head to our channel for all our Sweet Gyal updates, OK?

Love to all of the Sweet Gyaldem supporting us.

Like and subscribe, guys.

Mwah!

I can't believe they're vlogging by themselves.

- Oh, Max. - This has happened to me my whole life,

people stealing my ideas and making millions from them.

It's like the Nutribullet all over again.

What are we going to do?

We need to man up.

Do you want a cup of tea?

So it looks like me and Sarah are going to break up.

What? Why?

You guys were...

- .. perfect? - I know.

I know.

And my dandruff has only just cleared up.

Talk about shit timing.

What's happened?

Does Maxine check your phone when you're asleep?

No, I don't think so.

So you've never woken up

with her using your fingerprint to open your phone?

That doesn't sound healthy.

She thinks I'm a player, man.

- That's mental. - I know!

I said to her, I said, "I can't get any other girls."

I even had to pay her at the start of our relationship.

But isn't she technically cheating on you

multiple times every single day?

Actually, I will have that tea.

Christ! How can it be this difficult to book a fucking gig?

I've been going to that wine bar for over five years now.

They should be asking me to play, not the other way round.

Who's left on the list, Mel?

- Just The Plough. - Neil loves that dump.

It's not right. We need a franchise so we can book in the UK tour.

What about Brannigan's?

I think it's closed down.

Jesus, what is the world coming to?

All right, fuck it. Let's go to the fucking Plough.

Tuesdays is pub quiz, Wednesdays is karaoke,

Fridays is Back To The '80s rock and pop,

then Saturdays we have The Plough Rocks open mic night

so maybe you ladies could do that?

What's the clientele like at The Plough Rocks?

Just the regulars, like those two young men over there.

It gets pretty busy, mind.

Go on, let's do it.

It'll be good practice for when we get the arena tour.

All right. Look, Jim, The Plough is very much our last resort here

but if you can give us a green room and a rider

then you've got yourself a deal, mate.

OK, yeah, yeah.

What's...

What's a rider?

I just want to eat meat at a price I can afford!

- Nice. Can we try something a bit older? - Yeah.

A juicy steak for �2.49?

Yes, please!

Lovely. And now something a bit more regional, please.

Mikey?

Yes! Sorry, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Regional.

There's only one thing better than sharing a mixed grill

with your wife and that's knowing it only cost you �10.

Uncle Bill's Discount Carvery, because there's nowt wrong,

I say there's nowt wrong with cheap meat.

Great regional.

Ticks the diversity box.

I'm sorry, mate, I'm sorry.

I'm just not on form today.

I just can't stop thinking about Sarah.

How have you and Maxine done it for so long?

I genuinely don't know, mate.

I think a big part of it is the twins.

Sometimes I think they're the only thing

we've got in common these days.

That makes sense.

Maybe I could somehow get Sarah preggers.

Maybe you should start with a pet.

Yes!

Yeah.

Cos she's already got four kids.

A pet is more unusual.

Yeah.

Kids are shit.

Boys, who wants to do my breakfast blog?

Phoenix, do you want to do the vlog? Yes? Which one's Phoenix again?

Come on then.

So, today is a very important VIP day,

and we're all so excited, aren't we, Phoenix?

- Do you want to tell them why? - No.

Oh, kids say the funniest things, don't they?

He's probably just overwhelmed by Mummy's big day,

because today is Variety's first live show

in over 14 years, isn't it, Phoenix?

That is my magic star wand, Enrique! Give it back!

What? Where did you get that from? That's for girls. Enrique! Enrique!

Sorry about that. You can't be too careful, can you,

what with all the trans stuff going on at the minute?

Neil! Did you provide the twins with this?

- It has ruined my vlog. - Jesus, will you stop using the boys as props.

They're six years old.

In case you've forgotten, I technically produced them.

They lived inside me before you even met them, so I get first dibs.

- Whatever. - Whatever?

God, you think you're a cool teenager, don't you, Neil?

I need the shed this morning.

The deadline for Uncle Bill's Discount Carvery is today,

so I need some space to perfect it.

No can do, Neil. I think what I'm doing

is a bit more pressing than a song about gammon.

I'm the one funding your hobby.

That is a low blow, Neil.

God, you've really lost it, haven't you?

I'm not sure I'm the one who's lost it.

Right, where was I? Oh, yeah. I wanted to talk granola.

So the vlog isn't sponsored yet,

but in our house we all love to start the day

with a lovely, crunchy bowl of yummy granola.

'Because there's nowt wrong, I say there's nowt wrong...

I feel like I'm on the red carpet.

Not sure, Mel. It makes you look a bit like...

.. like an orca. What do you think, Sarah?

- Yeah, nice. - No, I think we should go with diamante trouser suits instead.

They're a bit cooler, aren't they?

Yeah, they're gorgeous. Oh, I love a bit of bling.

You don't need to touch it.

You all right, Sarah?

Me and Mike are having problems.

Oh, no.

Has he cheated on you? My ex Keith cheated on me, so I completely

understand what you're going through. What's he done?

It's just his phone.

It's too clean.

He only messages me.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

All right, guys, this isn't a therapy session, yeah?

Can you do this on your own time, please?

Right, I need to head off to work.

What? No, Sarah, this is our big day.

We need to practise.

Well, it's one of my regulars. I can't disappoint him.

- I'll see you down the Plough. - All right, well, don't be late.

Fucking hell.

What's an orca?

Are you kidding?

I'm going for drinks with Mikey. I'll see you in a bit.

What? Are you not driving us?

I'll see you there.

Jesus Christ! What have you done to your hair, Neil?

I can see a little scalp there.

- Likewise. - What, are you not going to wish us luck?

Can you actually see my scalp, Mel?

No, Maxine, he was just joking. Your hair looks lovely.

Look, Max, I really think I should do MY hair now.

It's going to take so much longer to do than yours,

and you really hurt my wrist with all the brushing.

Are you kidding? Christ, Mel, you're not

the fucking master of ceremonies.

This is my big night so can you stop caring about your hair all the time?

If anything, you should be

worrying about your acidic scent, not your bloody up do.

Come on, Mel! We're under pressure. Try not to crack under it.

Christ!

Here we go then.

A pint of Guinness for Mikey...

- Cheers. - .. shandy top for yours truly...

.. and a pint of water for...

God, he is a big bugger, isn't he?

Where'd you get him from?

I got him off Gumtree. Yeah.

He's a French bulldog, apparently.

They're pretty cool. Do you reckon Sarah will like him?

He sort of looks like one of those fighting dogs you see in films.

What's his name?

Well, the bloke says his name's Diesel.

Yeah. So I want to name him something similar,

so that he comes to me when I call him.

What about Unleaded?

Sorry. Sorry, I'm just joking.

No, yeah...

No, I like Diesel. It's good. It's edgy.

I'd like to see someone try and pick a fight with us tonight.

- Cheers. - Cheers. Cheers.

It was just chafing.

- I had to wait to get... - Oh, he is so cute!

Look at him! What's his name?

- Diesel. - Diesel. - Is he yours?

Yeah.

Is that a pint he's drinking?

Yeah. He only drinks pints.

- Like me. - It's important to keep them hydrated.

Well, I'm getting him another drink then.

- Great. - Brilliant.

- All right. - Wow.

He's a bit of a babe magnet, isn't he?

I wish Sarah was here.

I'm going to message her again.

You know, if you need to change or whatever,

there's the disabled facilities over there.

What?

Oh, it's ever so posh.

Got a shower with a seat and a panic cord.

No, sorry, get away from there.

Jim, did you not get my e-mail about the rider?

Sorry, ladies, we're not that kind of place.

- You're welcome to start a tab, though. - For fuck's sake!

Well, can we have exclusive access to the handicap bathroom?

- Yes, but... - OK, deal.

So, Jim, we need to get a bottle of Echo Falls on ice,

a couple of glasses and some chairs all sent to the handicap suite.

Right, yeah, well, I will need a card.

Yeah. Mel, can you give him a card?

Here you go.

Yeah. All right, thank you very much indeed.

Thank you.

- This is... - It's all right.

- It's not bad, you know. - It's a disabled toilet.

- Hey! - Shots! - Yes!

Wow. Great. Thank you.

- And a pint for Diesel. - Thank you.

Oh, wow, I don't... I don't really...

I don't really do shots.

What? Come on! Don't be boring.

I love, I love shots, I was just joking, I love shots.

- Here's to Saturday night. - Cheers.

Jesus Christ, what is that?

We need one more rehearsal quickly, make sure we're up to scratch.

Shall we... Let's do some scales, shall we?

? Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. ?

Aren't we miming?

Yes. No, we are, I was just checking that you remembered.

- Well done. That's good. - Relax. It is going to be really fun.

Oh, look, there's Neil.

Oh, there's such a cute dog at his table.

Fuck! Where's Sarah?

God, I hope she hasn't been murdered by one of her clients.

Who's that woman Neil's talking to?

Aren't they being a bit flirty?

Keith used to do stuff like this

- to me all the time, Maxine. It's not right. - Mel, I'm fairly sure

Neil wouldn't know how to chat someone up.

He can barely converse with the woman at Sainsbury's checkout

without panicking, so I think we're OK there, all right?

OK. I'm going to go get some more Echo Falls,

you're going to practise scales, and everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, I'm... I guess I'm just more of a composer these days.

Cool. OK, and what kind of music?

Well, sort of adverts mostly.

Amazing.

So what was your band called?

Deton8.

But the A-T-E is a number eight.

People think it is weird that she's a sex worker, but I don't.

You know? She is such a kind, caring, powerful woman.

Can I get an Echo Falls, please?

- Sure. - Quickly... if you can.

Thank fuck for that!

Where have you been? Come on, we need to go and sort this out.

Come on. What have you been doing?

Why do you smell like that? Come on.

OK, please give a huge welcome to my nephew, Jamie.

Thank you. My name's Jamie Cromwell.

The song's called It's Happening.

? You take me to the place

? Where I wanna go... ?

Right, Sarah, what's going on with you?

Oh, my God! Am I the only one

that can deal with the bloody pressure of the music biz?

Oh, God! Do you want to tell Auntie Maxine what's up?

Has this whole whoring thing just got a bit too much for you, Sarah?

Why is Mikey out there, talking to some girl?

It's over. I can't do this.

Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry.

I just want someone nice and normal,

who accepts me for who I am.

That is quite a big ask, isn't it, Sarah?

You know, considering your profession.

Sorry.

You're going to be OK, Sarah, yeah?

You're just being a bit over the top. Mm?

Do you want to pour this emotion into your performance?

- Yeah. - Right, we're on in five.

Sort yourself out.

? And, oh-oh-oh, it's happening. ?

Let's give a big hand for my nephew Jamie!

OK. Right, next up we've got a group of local ladies...

Jim, I take it from here, yeah.

Mel, can you put the stools out, please? Thank you.

What's up, The Plough?

Woo! Are we having a good time, yeah?

- Yeah. - Thank God for the weekend, am I right?

Ah... So, for those of you don't know us, we're Variety,

and this is our first gig in over 14 years.

So, alongside myself and Mel -- yes, that is really her --

we actually have a new member.

Some of the male punters may be familiar with Sarah's work.

For those of you who don't know her,

Sarah is actually trying to leave behind a life of illegal sex work

to join our Variety story.

So, yeah, pretty inspiring stuff, Sarah.

Shall we give her a round of applause?

Well done, Sarah.

Well, let's hear it for Variety.

Just me? OK. Play the track, Jim.

? I'mma gonna tell you how it is

? Cos if you dream it then you make it then you turn it into money

? Oh, yeah, that's how it goes, girl

? I'mma gonna take it from the start

? He said, if you got a dream then you gotta light the way

? For all the other girls, yeah

? I want a limo

? I want a fur coat

? Covered in diamonds

? Sailing my own boat

? Cos I'm a star, yeah

? Up in the sky

? I'll do what it takes

? I'll do what it takes, yeah... ?

What do you think?

Yeah, I mean, they're... funny.

- Do you know them? - No.

? We're not giving up till we drop

? This is our moment

? Champagne's all open

? Champagne's on me

? I'mma gonna give it everything

? Cos if you want it then you get it and who cares what they say?

? Oh, yeah, that's how it goes, girl

? I'mma gonna do it by myself

? Cos nobody else is ever gonna tell me what to do

? Don't ever let them change you

? I want a limo

? I want a fur coat

? Covered in diamonds

? Sailing my own boat

? Cos I'm a star, yeah... ?

- Getting better at those. - That's good. - Yeah.

I love them. Great.

? We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? Oh, yeah

- ? Going somewhere - Show me the money

? We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? This is our moment

? Champagne's all open

? Champagne's on me

? We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? Oh, yeah

- ? We're going somewhere - Show me the money

? We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? This is our moment

? Champagne's all open

? Champagne's on me. ?

- That was amazing. - Yeah?

Not as amazing as that girl you were talking to.

No, no, no. They just wanted to come and speak to Diesel,

and Diesel can't speak, so I had to talk for him.

- Who's Diesel? - This is Diesel.

A sign of my commitment to you.

Like a baby... but a dog. A dog baby.

He's a French bulldog, so...

- I don't think he is. - Really?

Look, Sarah,

I'm no playboy, right?

I've never been with anyone else, and I never want to be.

- Really? - Really.

And you got him just for me?

Oh, hello, Diesel.

- Oh, I love him! - I love you, too.

Do you know what, Mel?

I just really feel like I was born to be a celebrity.

I know.

Hey, Max.

Shall we get hammered tonight, like the old days?

I've got a sitter in.

I feel like you got a lot more bang for your buck back in the day, Mel.

Who's your dealer?

- My eldest, Danny. - What?

Sorry!

- What? - Actually, I want to have a dance.

Oh, come on. Let's have a dance.

We've been working nonstop!

I want to have a line of charlie in the green room.

Oh, give it here.

You're mad, Mel. What are you doing?

Shh!

Christ, that is...

That is actually good stuff.

This is the high life. Come on, Mel.

Woo!

You partying tonight, guys?

Oh, wow, young people.

Hello, the internet!

Coming to you live and direct from The Plough.

Get in for a selfie.

- Sarah, Mel's got cocaine. Do you want some cocaine? - No.

Mel! Mel! There she is.

My little partner in crime. What are you doing,

sat by yourself like a weirdo? What are you doing?

Max, I really need to talk to you about something.

Go on, tell the world how you're feeling.

No. Max, you have always been a strong, independent woman,

and you don't need anybody else.

You're fucked, aren't you, Mel? Christ!

Are my eyes funny?

Max, I really need to talk to you about something!

Mel! We're vlogging. Come on. I guess, you know, we just...

It just feels like everything's just finally falling into place for us.

? We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? Oh, yeah

- ? Going somewhere - Show me the money

? We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? This is our moment

? Champagne's all open

- ? Champagne's on me - We're not giving up till the top

? No, we're not giving up till we drop

? This is our moment

- ? Champagne's all open - Champagne's on me. ?

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