Original subtitles

Right come on guys. Smile for my vlog.

So, it's Neil's 40th today and we're just having some fam time.

- Did you draw this all by yourselves? - Yes.

And the twins have made him a gorgeous piece of artwork.

Come on, Neil, show the camera.

Look at that!

So, who's who?

That's Henrique, that one's me, and that one's Daddy.

- And then that one's Mummy. - No, that's Mikey.

No, that is not on. I do a lot for you guys.

I was incapacitated carrying you for nine months,

so what have you done for me? Tell them, Neil.

I don't think that's very fair.

Let's get to the pressies then, I've got work to do. Chop, chop.

- Yay. - Ah!

Didn't get you a card. I never really know what to write.

But I think this should say it all.

Got one for myself as well, you know, his and hers sort of thing.

It's like Christmas, isn't it?

Ah, a watch!

It's not a watch, Neil, it's a fitness tracker.

No-one wears watches any more!

I thought it could help you...

You know, sort of firm up a bit, and track your progress on the app.

Got it engraved as well.

- "Let's lose some weight." Cool. Thanks. - It's all right.

- Can we sing happy birthday? - That would be nice.

? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday... ?

Oh, hang on, guys, I've got a call. Shush.

Neil, can you knock me up a smoothie?

Chantelle, finally! Have you run out of credit?

It's like you guys have been screening my calls or something.

- We have been. - Oh, right. Well, that's not very cool.

Neither is ringing us constantly. What do you want?

I'm guessing by your attitude this might be something to do with

what happened in the studio but it's all a bit hazy, to be honest.

Hazy? You were wasted. We told you before we need proper management,

- not someone having a midlife crisis. - Oh, that's a bit harsh.

You're not the only act I manage. But technically, with Dane leaving,

you are. But that's not the point. The point is...

Actually, I tell a lie, I also manage Variety.

Can you not hear me? You're not our manager any more.

- How many times do we have to tell you? - Come on, Chantelle.

The least you could do is come to the rehearsal I've booked today.

Why would we do that?

- Well, to say goodbye? - Look, I'm going to go now.

Just please understand, this is over now. OK?

No, Chantelle! Wait.

Have you hung up? I'll tell your mum!

Shit.

Great. Well, that's everything completely fucked, then!

Looks like you're going to have to work overtime now, Neil.

- What's happened? - Sweet Gyal have officially fucked off for good.

- We'll probably have to remortgage the house. - OK, wait. Calm down.

Weren't you operating at a loss anyway?

Maybe I could just sell the brand and bugger off to Barbados.

- OK. - Where's my phone?

Neil, I'm going to have to cancel your birthday at La Tasca.

I need to show those little witches who the real talent is.

Happy birthday to me, then.

Yeah, that's enough of that shit, J.

- Where's Sweet Gyal? - Fuck those little cunts.

- The real talent's here. - So, it's not happening, then?

Max, I've told you, if you're going to cancel a session,

I need to know in advance.

It is not cancelled, J-Bells, it is on.

Are you ready to work with a real girl band?

This is Mel.

- Seriously? - I know what you're thinking, J,

but there's still a lot life left in these old dogs.

I haven't worked out in a while but I have dabbled in a bit of zumba

and my ex Keith said I've got great rhythm.

All right, Max. This is going to be a lot of extra work for me

so my rate is going to be higher.

Makes sense. We're a higher level so it'd be more expensive.

- Yeah, no. That's not what I meant. - Ha!

Ah. Ready to crush this, guys?

Let's do this, then. Where do you want us?

Er, back in 2002.

Jokes are happening already. We're having fun, aren't we?

Surprise!

- Oh, God. - A big 4-0 for your big 4-0.

- Thanks, Mikey, a big, gold reminder. - Yeah.

Are you good to crack on with Uncle Bill's Discount Carvery?

I've written a really good line for the mixed grill.

What?

We're not working on your birthday, man. We're going to have fun.

- This is fun, isn't it? - Well, yeah.

But it's not, you know, bucket-list fun.

Well, maybe we can have a swift half in The Plough later.

Fucking hell, grandad, a swift half? We can do better than that.

I've got a surprise planned.

Discount Carvery can fuck off.

- Yeah, but I... I should... - Come on. Come on!

A one, a two, a three and four. Step, ha, ha.

Boom, boom, hip and round.

Down. Arse to grass.

For fuck's sake, Mel, bend them legs.

Step. Step. And hip. Take it up. And down.

Up. Down. Again. Nice. Maxine, get even lower.

Mel, come on, do something. Let's get lower.

- Again. Come on, Maxine, you can do better than that. Let's go. - Hang on.

My fitness tracker's trying to communicate. We're going to

have to cut it there. It's saying my heart rate's at a critical level.

- Great. - Woo!

We crushed that sesh, Mel.

Ow!

Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick.

It's probably your thyroid. Why don't you just pop down

to the vending machine and get us a few sports drinks, yeah?

- Shall I get it on expenses? - Use your per diems, Mel.

Thanks for today, J. I just had one thought.

Do your think your routine had enough dynamism?

- You nearly died doing it, so you tell me. - Yeah,

it's really great but I'm just wondering if it's got the punch of

- say, you know, Mystique or TLC? - I just don't really think that you're

a Mystique or TLC kind of band, Max.

Oh, my God, you're right. Because they're three pieces.

So, we're just missing that third member. Ha!

Yeah, sure.

Oh, Christ, Mel. I said get isotonic sports drinks, not amphetamines.

- We're not hoodies. - Sorry.

OK, guys. So, we've learned today it's hard to make a routine look

- good with only two people. All right, guys? - Not really.

- Definitely. - As Elaine's disappeared off the face of the fucking planet,

we need to think about finding a replacement.

Off the top of my head, what about your girlfriend, J?

- I don't have a girlfriend, Max. - Of course.

- You're probably more of a player, aren't you? - What?

- You know, like a womaniser. - Yeah. I'm definitely not a womaniser.

- Sure. - Why don't we just go on to the streets and find somebody?

Street casting! That's actually not a bad idea, Mel.

There must be some more milfs like me out there.

- Where do all the hotties hang out, J? - What?

Milfs like you?

- Have you tried Asda? - Good idea.

- Go on, Mel, grab your coat. Let's go and pull some mums. - Oh, yes.

All right. See you, J.

I feel amazing.

- This is like... It's all coming back, you know? - Yeah.

Do you think you should clean yourself up a bit?

Yeah, I'm not really sure this is my thing.

What?

You're going to love it, man!

It was Sarah's idea.

She's big into watersports. It's very popular apparently.

Oh, my God. He's gone! He's gone. He's gone. Who's in charge here?

Steward. Steward! Steward!

Steward! Steward!

He's literally drowning.

No, no. He's laughing. I thought...

He's laughing.

I'm just so stressed, Mike, I don't think I can do it.

Do they have toilets here? I need to go toilet.

Of course they've got toilets, man.

They've got a restaurant. They serve jacket potatoes.

You can definitely take a shit.

Look, Sarah's mantra in life is "just ride it."

It's changed everything for me, man.

You're going to love it, it's going to be fun. Come on.

Mel! Milf alert!

- Jesus. - Oh, no, you're not right.

- What about her? - Oh, better.

Hi. Hi. I'm here today looking for milfs like me.

- I just wondered, have you ever thought about being a pop star? - No.

Just because you've got children, it doesn't mean it has to be

the end of your career.

Can we get a coffee, Max? I'm freezing.

Is your blood sugar low again?

Hang on. Is that Elaine?

Elaine from Variety.

Elaine!

Elaine!

- Elaine. - Agh! - Oh, for fuck's sake. Sorry. I thought you were a pop star

- but you're just a normal person. - Hi, Elaine.

It's not her, Mel. Come on. Let's go and get you some cake

- before I have to stab you with an EpiPen. - Are you serious?

What are you doing?

Here we go!

I'm not really, er, I'm not really sure about this.

I think I've changed my mind. Steward, can you pause it, please?

I've changed my mind.

I can't. I can't. Oh! Going down!

Steward!

Steward! I want to get out!

Woo!

We're going to go. We're going to go. Agh!

Neil! Neil!

Are you all right, man?

Do you want to go again? Did you like it?

That was...

Fucking hell.

Are you all right, man? You're shaking.

Um... I actually feel really, really clear.

- Yeah. - Like I feel free.

- Yeah, man. - That's the adrenaline dump, man.

It's the fight-or-flight response.

- Sarah's right, right? You've just got to ride it. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - I feel alive!

Cool.

Oh.

It's a treat to sit down. I am knackered after today.

Good point. I wonder how many steps I've done.

Ha! Jesus Christ. Look at Neil's heart rate!

God, what does he get up to when I'm not around?

I hope he's not in bloody cardiac arrest.

Or having an affair.

Not everyone's husband cheats on them, Mel.

You've only got yourself to blame for that.

- Do you want to read something funny about Sweet Gyal? - Funny? - Yeah.

@sunnydisposition212 says,

"You guys are spoilt, talentless loose hussies who need to grow up."

- I don't get it. - It's me, Mel. I'm sunnydisposition212.

I'm trolling Sweet Gyal.

Trolling? I'm not sure that's very nice, Maxine.

- Isn't that cyberbullying? - Yeah. Come on, Mel.

Take a bloody joke for once.

It's good to have a laugh. You should try it out.

It's not real bullying. I'm just giving them honest feedback

- and having a bit fun. - It's not always fun, Maxine.

I was cyber bullied once. Turns out it was just Keith, so it's fine

but, at the time, it was absolutely awful.

Here, anyway, enough of witty banter. Back to business.

What are we going to do about this third member?

You've got loads of industry contacts, haven't you?

- Can't one of them help us out? - Good shout, Mel. Industry contacts.

I still haven't had that second meeting with Sam Clinton, actually.

What's my diary like this afternoon?

It is...

- .. completely clear. - Great. Maybe I should just pop and see Sam now,

have a bit of a sort of spit-balling session.

Yeah, fuck it. You can wait in the Qashqai.

Leave that, Mel. You've had enough.

You know what was so good about being out there on the River Wild?

- What? - I saw my whole life flashing before my eyes...

- .. and it was shit. - Oh. - No. It's a good thing.

Because, for the first time in my stupid little existence,

I was really living in the moment.

I wasn't worrying about anything.

That's what I've been trying to say, man. You only live once.

- You've got to ride it. You know? - Yeah. Yeah.

I need to live my life, man. You know?

If I want to go go-karting, I'm going to fucking go go-karting,

do you know what I mean?

Maybe we should make white-water rafting a regular thing?

I'd love that, man. I'd love that.

Ah, Sarah...

She is wise.

Watersports are the best.

Are you sure she meant this sort of watersports?

She wasn't specific. Could have been water-skiing or some other sport.

You know, it can mean something else.

Probably best not to think about it, yeah.

I'd better get going.

Pick up the missus. The old ball and chain.

Can't we hang out some more? Go for that swift half?

Bring, bring Sarah.

What, you, me and Sarah all hanging out together?

It would be my honour.

- Hiya. - Hi. - I'm here to see Sam Clinton.

- OK. Can I get your name? - Oh, no, it's OK.

I've got my lanyard from last time, so I can just show myself up.

- We're on first name terms. - You'll still need to sign in.

[For fuck's sake.]

What the actual fuck?

Are you kidding me? Are you poaching my act?

We're not actually your act any more, Maxine.

No. No. It's not like that at all. Definitely not.

Sam, I thought we were friends.

- Did you? - I even got you some Diet Coke, it was our favourite.

- I thought we could have a chat over a glass of DC. - Right.

Thanks. Um. It's just business really.

They came to me for some advice. I offered to help out.

What? Are you signing new acts, Sam,

because Variety are actually back and we're better than ever.

I mean, me and Mel have just been working on some new stuff today.

Jesus Christ!

Look, I'm just helping connect the dots at the minute.

Definitely not looking to sign an older act, or any act at all really,

so... Oh, I, um, I should really take this, actually.

- So, sorry. - Is that the iPhone X? - Hello.

Sam, I'll give you a call in the morning, maybe?

Do you know what? You girls are nothing without me.

You do realise I own We Are Sweet Gyal.

We hate that song. You can keep it.

Well, I don't want to sing We Are Sweet Gyal.

- I'm not Sweet Gyal. I don't want it. - Neither do we.

Right, well, that's 600 quid down the drain, thank you very much!

You're kind of desperate, aren't you?

You want to talk about desperate, do you? Well, come on.

Let's talk about desperate, you spoilt little hussies.

- Hussies? Are you the one who's been commenting on our posts? - What?

No! No way. God. No. I unfollowed you ages ago.

Why would I even look at your posts any more?

You left your phone in the car.

I thought you might need it for doing your tweeting.

I thought I told you to wait in the car, Mel.

Is this Variety?

Oh, my God! I am so dead.

I even feel kind of sorry for you.

Wow, kid! You feel sorry for me?

Imagine how sorry I feel for you.

You girls are horrible.

You should appreciate what Maxine's done for you.

She is a brilliant mentor with fantastic ideas.

- Get in the car. - They're being rude to you. - I know, Mel.

Do you know what? Fuck this. I'm better than all of this shit.

Go on, take that. You've already had everything else.

- You should be ashamed of yourselves. - Come on, Mel!

You're embarrassing me. Shut up. Shut up!

- Go and start the car. - I'm sorry.

- Is this Sarah's house? - No. It's her work.

Hello, Mikey. Who's this with you, then?

Hi, Susan. This is my mate, Neil. Neil, meet Susan.

Nice to meet you, Neil. Sarah's just finishing up.

- Do you want to come in? - No, no, no. I'm OK. I'm not here for... sex.

Sarah. Long time.

- My little beaver. - Hi.

Shall we get going?

Huh?

I'll drive.

You OK, Max?

They're really mean, aren't they? Do you want to talk about it?

- They're going with Sam Clinton. - You're better off without them.

Why would Sam do that to me?

Maybe I am just like you, just a decaying mum waiting to be

thrown on the landfill with all the others.

I mean, look at me. I used to have a six-pack. What's this?

Come on, Max. You're amazing.

How many mums do you know that own their own company?

- Ah, right. That is true. - And you've given me a whole new lease of life.

This whole thing, it reminds me so much of when Keith cheated.

He made me feel like an old cow that had been milked for every last drop.

That is a horrible image, Mel. I'm not sure how that's relevant.

You need to put all your energy into something positive now.

Ignore Sweet Gyal and focus on getting Variety back on the ground.

Come on, Mel. Get real. Look at us. We're a joke.

This is one big joke, isn't it? All of it.

Please don't lose faith, Max.

I need this, too.

Aw!

That's enough now, Mel.

Christ. What a bloody mess!

? Another lonely day with no-one here but me

? More loneliness than any man could bear

? Rescue me before I fall into despair

? I'll send an SOS to the world

? I'll send an SOS to the world. ?

Oh, this is way better than La Tasca.

? I hope that someone gets my

? I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle. ?

Do you know, we used to call you Fit Neil in school?

That's weird because, before you were Sarah Brass,

you were Fit Sarah.

It's amazing!

I'm sat with the two fittest people in the school.

Ah!

- Ah. - This is one of the greatest days I've had in years

because usually I'm like doing two things in a day, like,

I have to take the kids to school and then, you know...

.. hang the washing up and...

Hey, bab.

What the hell is going on here?

A word, please, Neil. Come on. Outside now. Come on.

What the hell is going on? I leave you alone for two minutes

and all hell breaks loose.

You weren't gone for two minutes, it was all day.

It's my birthday. I'm allowed to have fun.

What's this? A birthday party? You're not a child, Neil.

- Who's the strange woman? - Sarah the Brass.

Come again. There's a sex worker on our premises.

- I mean, Fit Sarah. - Fit Sarah? - Chill out.

- We were both the fit ones at school. - Sorry. Can I get this straight?

You've turned my office into a brothel

and you're having a gay threesome in there.

No wonder your heart rate was racing earlier. What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me? What's the matter with you! It's my 40th.

The one day of the year that should be about me and, yet again,

you're twisting it to make it all about you.

I need to live my life. I need to feel alive.

Is that the hooker singing?

? And there he was, this young boy

? A stranger to my eyes

? Strumming my pain with his fingers

One time.

? Singing my life with his words

Twice.

? Killing me softly with his song... ?

- Don't stop. You're surprisingly good. - Ah, thank you.

Not you. You. Are you a professional?

Singer that is. I know you're a professional whore.

No.

You probably recognise me. I'm Maxine Hancock.

I'm here to save you from a life of prostitution.

Max, Max. She doesn't need saving.

She likes it. She's good at it, according to Mikey.

Quiet, Neil. Sarah, it's rare to find talent

in a shed at the end of your garden.

This is fate. I'm considering offering you

the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be in my band.

- Right, but I've already got a job. - Yeah. But you know, in many ways,

being in a band is like being a prozzie.

You're putting on a performance every night,

- you're wearing thigh-high boots. - I don't wear thigh-high boots.

Sarah, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you an advance

- to show you I'm serious. - So, this would actually pay, then?

Oh, Christ, yeah. How much do want?

- Hang on, Max. Where's the cash coming from? - Quiet, Neil.

Once I put the deposit down, there's no going back.

Where do I put it? Just...

I've never really done this. Pop it in there, do you?

Right. Ah, looks like you're in the band, then!

Uh, have you got kids? Because it's a mum band, you see.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got four little 'uns. - Four?

Is that different dads?

It doesn't matter, does it? Ha! You're in the band.

Ah! That is what I call a happy ending.

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