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1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,910
Right come on guys. Smile for my vlog.
2
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:05,630
So, it's Neil's 40th today and
we're just having some fam time.
3
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:08,750
- Did you draw this all
by yourselves? - Yes.
4
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,270
And the twins have made him
a gorgeous piece of artwork.
5
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,470
Come on, Neil, show the camera.
6
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:14,950
Look at that!
7
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,750
So, who's who?
8
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:21,190
That's Henrique, that one's
me, and that one's Daddy.
9
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,790
- And then that one's Mummy.
- No, that's Mikey.
10
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:27,110
No, that is not on. I
do a lot for you guys.
11
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,470
I was incapacitated
carrying you for nine months,
12
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:31,370
so what have you done
for me? Tell them, Neil.
13
00:00:31,420 --> 00:00:32,820
I don't think that's very fair.
14
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,100
Let's get to the pressies then,
I've got work to do. Chop, chop.
15
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,520
- Yay.
- Ah!
16
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,350
Didn't get you a card. I never
really know what to write.
17
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,830
But I think this should say it all.
18
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:52,230
Got one for myself as well, you
know, his and hers sort of thing.
19
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,040
It's like Christmas, isn't it?
20
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,070
Ah, a watch!
21
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,230
It's not a watch, Neil,
it's a fitness tracker.
22
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,030
No-one wears watches any more!
23
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,070
I thought it could help you...
24
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:08,390
You know, sort of firm up a bit,
and track your progress on the app.
25
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,550
Got it engraved as well.
26
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,510
- "Let's lose some weight." Cool. Thanks.
- It's all right.
27
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,990
- Can we sing happy birthday?
- That would be nice.
28
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:23,720
? Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday... ?
29
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,800
Oh, hang on, guys, I've got a call. Shush.
30
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,000
Neil, can you knock me up a smoothie?
31
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,230
Chantelle, finally! Have
you run out of credit?
32
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,390
It's like you guys have been
screening my calls or something.
33
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,030
- We have been.
- Oh, right. Well, that's not very cool.
34
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,710
Neither is ringing us
constantly. What do you want?
35
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:53,290
I'm guessing by your attitude
this might be something to do with
36
00:01:53,290 --> 00:01:56,470
what happened in the studio but
it's all a bit hazy, to be honest.
37
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,750
Hazy? You were wasted. We told you
before we need proper management,
38
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,590
- not someone having a midlife crisis.
- Oh, that's a bit harsh.
39
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,750
You're not the only act I manage.
But technically, with Dane leaving,
40
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,030
you are. But that's not
the point. The point is...
41
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,830
Actually, I tell a lie,
I also manage Variety.
42
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,550
Can you not hear me? You're
not our manager any more.
43
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,630
- How many times do we have to tell you?
- Come on, Chantelle.
44
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,910
The least you could do is come to
the rehearsal I've booked today.
45
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,350
Why would we do that?
46
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,310
- Well, to say goodbye?
- Look, I'm going to go now.
47
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,630
Just please understand,
this is over now. OK?
48
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,350
No, Chantelle! Wait.
49
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,070
Have you hung up? I'll tell your mum!
50
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,960
Shit.
51
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,470
Great. Well, that's everything
completely fucked, then!
52
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,910
Looks like you're going to have
to work overtime now, Neil.
53
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,790
- What's happened? - Sweet Gyal
have officially fucked off for good.
54
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,710
- We'll probably have to remortgage the house.
- OK, wait. Calm down.
55
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,710
Weren't you operating at a loss anyway?
56
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,310
Maybe I could just sell the
brand and bugger off to Barbados.
57
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,480
- OK.
- Where's my phone?
58
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,310
Neil, I'm going to have to
cancel your birthday at La Tasca.
59
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,260
I need to show those little
witches who the real talent is.
60
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,600
Happy birthday to me, then.
61
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,270
Yeah, that's enough of that shit, J.
62
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,190
- Where's Sweet Gyal?
- Fuck those little cunts.
63
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,430
- The real talent's here.
- So, it's not happening, then?
64
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,790
Max, I've told you, if you're
going to cancel a session,
65
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,310
I need to know in advance.
66
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,790
It is not cancelled, J-Bells, it is on.
67
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,630
Are you ready to work
with a real girl band?
68
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,750
This is Mel.
69
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,150
- Seriously?
- I know what you're thinking, J,
70
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,590
but there's still a lot
life left in these old dogs.
71
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,750
I haven't worked out in a while but
I have dabbled in a bit of zumba
72
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,870
and my ex Keith said
I've got great rhythm.
73
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,230
All right, Max. This is going
to be a lot of extra work for me
74
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,270
so my rate is going to be higher.
75
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,470
Makes sense. We're a higher
level so it'd be more expensive.
76
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,950
- Yeah, no. That's not
what I meant. - Ha!
77
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,230
Ah. Ready to crush this, guys?
78
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,910
Let's do this, then. Where do you want us?
79
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,870
Er, back in 2002.
80
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,360
Jokes are happening already.
We're having fun, aren't we?
81
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,550
Surprise!
82
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,630
- Oh, God.
- A big 4-0 for your big 4-0.
83
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,030
- Thanks, Mikey, a big,
gold reminder. - Yeah.
84
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:38,150
Are you good to crack on with
Uncle Bill's Discount Carvery?
85
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,510
I've written a really good
line for the mixed grill.
86
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,510
What?
87
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,030
We're not working on your birthday,
man. We're going to have fun.
88
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,790
- This is fun, isn't it?
- Well, yeah.
89
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,390
But it's not, you know, bucket-list fun.
90
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,550
Well, maybe we can have a
swift half in The Plough later.
91
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,310
Fucking hell, grandad, a swift
half? We can do better than that.
92
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,430
I've got a surprise planned.
93
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,030
Discount Carvery can fuck off.
94
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:08,120
- Yeah, but I... I should...
- Come on. Come on!
95
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:16,150
A one, a two, a three
and four. Step, ha, ha.
96
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,110
Boom, boom, hip and round.
97
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,030
Down. Arse to grass.
98
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,590
For fuck's sake, Mel, bend them legs.
99
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,670
Step. Step. And hip. Take it up. And down.
100
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,790
Up. Down. Again. Nice.
Maxine, get even lower.
101
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Mel, come on, do
something. Let's get lower.
102
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,310
- Again. Come on, Maxine, you can do
better than that. Let's go. - Hang on.
103
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,990
My fitness tracker's trying
to communicate. We're going to
104
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,070
have to cut it there. It's saying
my heart rate's at a critical level.
105
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,240
- Great.
- Woo!
106
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,310
We crushed that sesh, Mel.
107
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,630
Ow!
108
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,990
Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick.
109
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,430
It's probably your thyroid.
Why don't you just pop down
110
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,430
to the vending machine and get
us a few sports drinks, yeah?
111
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,720
- Shall I get it on expenses?
- Use your per diems, Mel.
112
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,990
Thanks for today, J. I
just had one thought.
113
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,670
Do your think your routine
had enough dynamism?
114
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,990
- You nearly died doing it,
so you tell me. - Yeah,
115
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:18,670
it's really great but I'm just
wondering if it's got the punch of
116
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,950
- say, you know, Mystique or TLC?
- I just don't really think that you're
117
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,790
a Mystique or TLC kind of band, Max.
118
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,630
Oh, my God, you're right.
Because they're three pieces.
119
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,430
So, we're just missing
that third member. Ha!
120
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,350
Yeah, sure.
121
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,870
Oh, Christ, Mel. I said get isotonic
sports drinks, not amphetamines.
122
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,920
- We're not hoodies.
- Sorry.
123
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:43,230
OK, guys. So, we've learned today
it's hard to make a routine look
124
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,150
- good with only two people.
All right, guys? - Not really.
125
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,310
- Definitely. - As Elaine's disappeared
off the face of the fucking planet,
126
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,350
we need to think about
finding a replacement.
127
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,670
Off the top of my head, what
about your girlfriend, J?
128
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,950
- I don't have a girlfriend, Max.
- Of course.
129
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,310
- You're probably more of a
player, aren't you? - What?
130
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:04,430
- You know, like a womaniser.
- Yeah. I'm definitely not a womaniser.
131
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,230
- Sure. - Why don't we just go on
to the streets and find somebody?
132
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,190
Street casting! That's
actually not a bad idea, Mel.
133
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,910
There must be some more
milfs like me out there.
134
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,550
- Where do all the hotties
hang out, J? - What?
135
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,270
Milfs like you?
136
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,550
- Have you tried Asda?
- Good idea.
137
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,110
- Go on, Mel, grab your coat. Let's
go and pull some mums. - Oh, yes.
138
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,950
All right. See you, J.
139
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,510
I feel amazing.
140
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,950
- This is like... It's all
coming back, you know? - Yeah.
141
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,300
Do you think you should
clean yourself up a bit?
142
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,950
Yeah, I'm not really
sure this is my thing.
143
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,510
What?
144
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,790
You're going to love it, man!
145
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,110
It was Sarah's idea.
146
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,120
She's big into watersports.
It's very popular apparently.
147
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,310
Oh, my God. He's gone! He's gone.
He's gone. Who's in charge here?
148
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,430
Steward. Steward! Steward!
149
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,550
Steward! Steward!
150
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,360
He's literally drowning.
151
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,430
No, no. He's laughing. I thought...
152
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,510
He's laughing.
153
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,710
I'm just so stressed, Mike,
I don't think I can do it.
154
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,910
Do they have toilets here?
I need to go toilet.
155
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,430
Of course they've got toilets, man.
156
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,790
They've got a restaurant.
They serve jacket potatoes.
157
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,390
You can definitely take a shit.
158
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:24,040
Look, Sarah's mantra in
life is "just ride it."
159
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,350
It's changed everything for me, man.
160
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,900
You're going to love it, it's
going to be fun. Come on.
161
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,280
Mel! Milf alert!
162
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,440
- Jesus.
- Oh, no, you're not right.
163
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,710
- What about her?
- Oh, better.
164
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,390
Hi. Hi. I'm here today
looking for milfs like me.
165
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,270
- I just wondered, have you ever
thought about being a pop star? - No.
166
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,150
Just because you've got children,
it doesn't mean it has to be
167
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,430
the end of your career.
168
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,390
Can we get a coffee, Max? I'm freezing.
169
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,710
Is your blood sugar low again?
170
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,590
Hang on. Is that Elaine?
171
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,470
Elaine from Variety.
172
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,350
Elaine!
173
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,000
Elaine!
174
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,510
- Elaine. - Agh! - Oh, for fuck's sake.
Sorry. I thought you were a pop star
175
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,390
- but you're just a normal person.
- Hi, Elaine.
176
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,470
It's not her, Mel. Come on.
Let's go and get you some cake
177
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,950
- before I have to stab you with an EpiPen.
- Are you serious?
178
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,830
What are you doing?
179
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,070
Here we go!
180
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,470
I'm not really, er, I'm not
really sure about this.
181
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,030
I think I've changed my mind.
Steward, can you pause it, please?
182
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,960
I've changed my mind.
183
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,790
I can't. I can't. Oh! Going down!
184
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,430
Steward!
185
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,440
Steward! I want to get out!
186
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,350
Woo!
187
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,120
We're going to go. We're going to go. Agh!
188
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:17,270
Neil! Neil!
189
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:19,520
Are you all right, man?
190
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,350
Do you want to go again? Did you like it?
191
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,150
That was...
192
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,750
Fucking hell.
193
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,150
Are you all right, man? You're shaking.
194
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:35,190
Um... I actually feel
really, really clear.
195
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,750
- Yeah.
- Like I feel free.
196
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,990
- Yeah, man.
- That's the adrenaline dump, man.
197
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,630
It's the fight-or-flight response.
198
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:44,070
- Sarah's right, right? You've
just got to ride it. - Yeah.
199
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,240
- Yeah.
- I feel alive!
200
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,520
Cool.
201
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,710
Oh.
202
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,750
It's a treat to sit down.
I am knackered after today.
203
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,720
Good point. I wonder how
many steps I've done.
204
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,430
Ha! Jesus Christ. Look
at Neil's heart rate!
205
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,750
God, what does he get up
to when I'm not around?
206
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,710
I hope he's not in bloody cardiac arrest.
207
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,150
Or having an affair.
208
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,990
Not everyone's husband
cheats on them, Mel.
209
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,140
You've only got yourself
to blame for that.
210
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,720
- Do you want to read something funny
about Sweet Gyal? - Funny? - Yeah.
211
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,310
@sunnydisposition212 says,
212
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:35,710
"You guys are spoilt, talentless
loose hussies who need to grow up."
213
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:41,670
- I don't get it.
- It's me, Mel. I'm sunnydisposition212.
214
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,990
I'm trolling Sweet Gyal.
215
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,270
Trolling? I'm not sure
that's very nice, Maxine.
216
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,950
- Isn't that cyberbullying?
- Yeah. Come on, Mel.
217
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,550
Take a bloody joke for once.
218
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,670
It's good to have a laugh.
You should try it out.
219
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,470
It's not real bullying. I'm
just giving them honest feedback
220
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,790
- and having a bit fun.
- It's not always fun, Maxine.
221
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:00,870
I was cyber bullied once. Turns out
it was just Keith, so it's fine
222
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:04,030
but, at the time, it was absolutely awful.
223
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,590
Here, anyway, enough of witty
banter. Back to business.
224
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,310
What are we going to do
about this third member?
225
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,550
You've got loads of industry
contacts, haven't you?
226
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:16,310
- Can't one of them help us out?
- Good shout, Mel. Industry contacts.
227
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,230
I still haven't had that second
meeting with Sam Clinton, actually.
228
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,200
What's my diary like this afternoon?
229
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,840
It is...
230
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,750
- .. completely clear. - Great. Maybe
I should just pop and see Sam now,
231
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,910
have a bit of a sort
of spit-balling session.
232
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,600
Yeah, fuck it. You can
wait in the Qashqai.
233
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,640
Leave that, Mel. You've had enough.
234
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,430
You know what was so good about
being out there on the River Wild?
235
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:54,480
- What? - I saw my whole life
flashing before my eyes...
236
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,400
- .. and it was shit. - Oh.
- No. It's a good thing.
237
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,470
Because, for the first time
in my stupid little existence,
238
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,990
I was really living in the moment.
239
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,590
I wasn't worrying about anything.
240
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:11,030
That's what I've been trying
to say, man. You only live once.
241
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,990
- You've got to ride it. You know?
- Yeah. Yeah.
242
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,510
I need to live my life, man. You know?
243
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:22,710
If I want to go go-karting, I'm
going to fucking go go-karting,
244
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,830
do you know what I mean?
245
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,310
Maybe we should make white-water
rafting a regular thing?
246
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,510
I'd love that, man. I'd love that.
247
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,680
Ah, Sarah...
248
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,360
She is wise.
249
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,280
Watersports are the best.
250
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,550
Are you sure she meant
this sort of watersports?
251
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:48,470
She wasn't specific. Could have been
water-skiing or some other sport.
252
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,200
You know, it can mean something else.
253
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,470
Probably best not to think about it, yeah.
254
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,480
I'd better get going.
255
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,200
Pick up the missus. The
old ball and chain.
256
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,510
Can't we hang out some more?
Go for that swift half?
257
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,590
Bring, bring Sarah.
258
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,520
What, you, me and Sarah
all hanging out together?
259
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,280
It would be my honour.
260
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,110
- Hiya. - Hi. - I'm
here to see Sam Clinton.
261
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,830
- OK. Can I get your name?
- Oh, no, it's OK.
262
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,670
I've got my lanyard from last
time, so I can just show myself up.
263
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,350
- We're on first name terms.
- You'll still need to sign in.
264
00:14:32,900 --> 00:14:33,700
[For fuck's sake.]
265
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,190
What the actual fuck?
266
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,790
Are you kidding me? Are
you poaching my act?
267
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,230
We're not actually your
act any more, Maxine.
268
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,830
No. No. It's not like that
at all. Definitely not.
269
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,750
Sam, I thought we were friends.
270
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,710
- Did you? - I even got you some
Diet Coke, it was our favourite.
271
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,630
- I thought we could have a
chat over a glass of DC. - Right.
272
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,470
Thanks. Um. It's just business really.
273
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,990
They came to me for some
advice. I offered to help out.
274
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,550
What? Are you signing new acts, Sam,
275
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,150
because Variety are actually
back and we're better than ever.
276
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,830
I mean, me and Mel have just been
working on some new stuff today.
277
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,470
Jesus Christ!
278
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,670
Look, I'm just helping connect
the dots at the minute.
279
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,510
Definitely not looking to sign an
older act, or any act at all really,
280
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:20,070
so... Oh, I, um, I should
really take this, actually.
281
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,110
- So, sorry. - Is that
the iPhone X? - Hello.
282
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,680
Sam, I'll give you a call
in the morning, maybe?
283
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,470
Do you know what? You girls
are nothing without me.
284
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,750
You do realise I own We Are Sweet Gyal.
285
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,710
We hate that song. You can keep it.
286
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,910
Well, I don't want to
sing We Are Sweet Gyal.
287
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,470
- I'm not Sweet Gyal. I don't want it.
- Neither do we.
288
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,110
Right, well, that's 600 quid down
the drain, thank you very much!
289
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,750
You're kind of desperate, aren't you?
290
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,030
You want to talk about
desperate, do you? Well, come on.
291
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,390
Let's talk about desperate,
you spoilt little hussies.
292
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,630
- Hussies? Are you the one who's
been commenting on our posts? - What?
293
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,670
No! No way. God. No. I
unfollowed you ages ago.
294
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,070
Why would I even look
at your posts any more?
295
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,630
You left your phone in the car.
296
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,190
I thought you might need
it for doing your tweeting.
297
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,310
I thought I told you
to wait in the car, Mel.
298
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,010
Is this Variety?
299
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,830
Oh, my God! I am so dead.
300
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,110
I even feel kind of sorry for you.
301
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,470
Wow, kid! You feel sorry for me?
302
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,750
Imagine how sorry I feel for you.
303
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,390
You girls are horrible.
304
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,590
You should appreciate
what Maxine's done for you.
305
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,950
She is a brilliant mentor
with fantastic ideas.
306
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,750
- Get in the car. - They're
being rude to you. - I know, Mel.
307
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,150
Do you know what? Fuck this. I'm
better than all of this shit.
308
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,430
Go on, take that. You've
already had everything else.
309
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,470
- You should be ashamed of yourselves.
- Come on, Mel!
310
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,670
You're embarrassing me. Shut up. Shut up!
311
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,000
- Go and start the car.
- I'm sorry.
312
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:52,200
- Is this Sarah's house?
- No. It's her work.
313
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,710
Hello, Mikey. Who's this with you, then?
314
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,150
Hi, Susan. This is my mate,
Neil. Neil, meet Susan.
315
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,190
Nice to meet you, Neil.
Sarah's just finishing up.
316
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:10,600
- Do you want to come in?
- No, no, no. I'm OK. I'm not here for... sex.
317
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,400
Sarah. Long time.
318
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,080
- My little beaver.
- Hi.
319
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,080
Shall we get going?
320
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,510
Huh?
321
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:44,880
I'll drive.
322
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,920
You OK, Max?
323
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,120
They're really mean, aren't they?
Do you want to talk about it?
324
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,150
- They're going with Sam Clinton.
- You're better off without them.
325
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,120
Why would Sam do that to me?
326
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,110
Maybe I am just like you, just
a decaying mum waiting to be
327
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,630
thrown on the landfill
with all the others.
328
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,990
I mean, look at me. I used to
have a six-pack. What's this?
329
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,870
Come on, Max. You're amazing.
330
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,550
How many mums do you know
that own their own company?
331
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,590
- Ah, right. That is true.
- And you've given me a whole new lease of life.
332
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,510
This whole thing, it reminds me
so much of when Keith cheated.
333
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:42,230
He made me feel like an old cow that
had been milked for every last drop.
334
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,870
That is a horrible image, Mel.
I'm not sure how that's relevant.
335
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,950
You need to put all your energy
into something positive now.
336
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,230
Ignore Sweet Gyal and focus on
getting Variety back on the ground.
337
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,910
Come on, Mel. Get real.
Look at us. We're a joke.
338
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,520
This is one big joke, isn't it? All of it.
339
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,430
Please don't lose faith, Max.
340
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,800
I need this, too.
341
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,520
Aw!
342
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:12,360
That's enough now, Mel.
343
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,550
Christ. What a bloody mess!
344
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:33,150
? Another lonely day
with no-one here but me
345
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:38,990
? More loneliness than any man could bear
346
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:45,070
? Rescue me before I fall into despair
347
00:19:45,620 --> 00:19:48,670
? I'll send an SOS to the world
348
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,710
? I'll send an SOS to the world. ?
349
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,150
Oh, this is way better than La Tasca.
350
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,710
? I hope that someone gets my
351
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:04,120
? I hope that someone gets
my message in a bottle. ?
352
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,950
Do you know, we used to
call you Fit Neil in school?
353
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,310
That's weird because,
before you were Sarah Brass,
354
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,790
you were Fit Sarah.
355
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,630
It's amazing!
356
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,990
I'm sat with the two fittest
people in the school.
357
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,190
Ah!
358
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,830
- Ah. - This is one of the
greatest days I've had in years
359
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:41,150
because usually I'm like doing
two things in a day, like,
360
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:45,320
I have to take the kids to
school and then, you know...
361
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,310
.. hang the washing up and...
362
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,710
Hey, bab.
363
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,590
What the hell is going on here?
364
00:20:55,640 --> 00:21:00,160
A word, please, Neil. Come
on. Outside now. Come on.
365
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,590
What the hell is going on? I
leave you alone for two minutes
366
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:10,830
and all hell breaks loose.
367
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,910
You weren't gone for two
minutes, it was all day.
368
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,750
It's my birthday. I'm allowed to have fun.
369
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:18,070
What's this? A birthday party?
You're not a child, Neil.
370
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,150
- Who's the strange woman?
- Sarah the Brass.
371
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,830
Come again. There's a sex
worker on our premises.
372
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,750
- I mean, Fit Sarah.
- Fit Sarah? - Chill out.
373
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,150
- We were both the fit ones at school.
- Sorry. Can I get this straight?
374
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,790
You've turned my office into a brothel
375
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,150
and you're having a gay
threesome in there.
376
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,510
No wonder your heart rate was racing
earlier. What's the matter with you?
377
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,550
What's the matter with me? What's
the matter with you! It's my 40th.
378
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,270
The one day of the year that
should be about me and, yet again,
379
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,270
you're twisting it to
make it all about you.
380
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,950
I need to live my life.
I need to feel alive.
381
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,830
Is that the hooker singing?
382
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,870
? And there he was, this young boy
383
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,510
? A stranger to my eyes
384
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,870
? Strumming my pain with his fingers
385
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,790
One time.
386
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,830
? Singing my life with his words
387
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,270
Twice.
388
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:17,910
? Killing me softly with his song... ?
389
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,070
- Don't stop. You're surprisingly good.
- Ah, thank you.
390
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,790
Not you. You. Are you a professional?
391
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,110
Singer that is. I know
you're a professional whore.
392
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,270
No.
393
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,520
You probably recognise
me. I'm Maxine Hancock.
394
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,790
I'm here to save you from
a life of prostitution.
395
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,910
Max, Max. She doesn't need saving.
396
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,910
She likes it. She's good
at it, according to Mikey.
397
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,630
Quiet, Neil. Sarah,
it's rare to find talent
398
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,870
in a shed at the end of your garden.
399
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,910
This is fate. I'm considering offering you
400
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,630
the once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to be in my band.
401
00:22:55,680 --> 00:23:00,110
- Right, but I've already got a job.
- Yeah. But you know, in many ways,
402
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,430
being in a band is like being a prozzie.
403
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,310
You're putting on a
performance every night,
404
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,990
- you're wearing thigh-high boots.
- I don't wear thigh-high boots.
405
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,550
Sarah, what I'm going to do is
I'm going to give you an advance
406
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,350
- to show you I'm serious.
- So, this would actually pay, then?
407
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,110
Oh, Christ, yeah. How much do want?
408
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,510
- Hang on, Max. Where's the
cash coming from? - Quiet, Neil.
409
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,960
Once I put the deposit down,
there's no going back.
410
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,670
Where do I put it? Just...
411
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,120
I've never really done this.
Pop it in there, do you?
412
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,950
Right. Ah, looks like
you're in the band, then!
413
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,830
Uh, have you got kids? Because
it's a mum band, you see.
414
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,670
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got
four little 'uns. - Four?
415
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,990
Is that different dads?
416
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,310
It doesn't matter, does it?
Ha! You're in the band.
417
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:47,230
Ah! That is what I call a happy ending.
418
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:51,830
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