Original subtitles

All right, that's it, that's it! Keep that mic, hold that mic higher.

Yeah, there you go! You've got to sing out of that.

All right, let me see these walks.

Here we go.

And five, six...

Nice hip action.

Excellent hip action.

Chantal, that's good, that's good. Now pump it for me, pump it!

Nice! Kim, you little minx!

OK, now crawl.

On the floor. Keep going.

Nice. Crawl, good.

Sorry, can you stop the music? Sorry.

Look, it's really good, J-Bounce. It's just, isn't it...?

It's just getting a bit too "urban".

What do you mean by "urban", Max?

Well, you know, the thing is, J,

we're going for a sort of mass-market appeal with Sweet Gyal.

At the end of the day, J, we're trying to sell records here, not...

.. drugs.

All right, girls. Let's try something else. Erm...

Follow me, all right? Let's do something else.

- Everyone get up. - Perfect.

All right, so.

Take it from the top. Here we go.

And five, six, seven, walk.

One, two, three, good.

Nice, nice, nice, nice.

Hit the shoulder.

And a shoulder, and a shoulder, and a shoulder.

- Take it down... - No, sorry, sorry. No, I can't...

It's really great, J.

You know, it's just... It's completely wrong.

- All right, cool. - Do you just want to do it, Maxine?

Ooh, yeah. That's a good idea. All right.

Pass us the headset, J.

- Got it? - Yeah, yeah.

Great. If you just want to buckle me up...

- Am I in? - Yeah, all good. - Pop it in the back.

Great.

OK, so this is one that I did with Variety back in the day.

What, you were in a band, Max? You hadn't mentioned that.

It was pretty popular, OK? So just try and keep up as best you can, OK?

So, look at my feet, yeah? My feet straight ahead, yeah?

Looking?

Five, six, seven, eight and...

? Ah, ah, ah

? Ah-ah-ah-ah

? Ah-ah, ah

Accent, accent.

? Ah

And twist.

? Ah, ah... ?

(Hold it.)

Right, who wants a cheese sandwich?

- Me. - Not a ham sandwich?

- Ham and cheese, please. - Ham and cheese? What would you like?

Ham, please.

Just ham. So ham and ham and cheese.

- Do you want cucumber? - Yes, please! I want to be healthy!

- You're a good boy. - Me too.

You're a good boy, too.

Coming right up.

Neil?

Neil. Are you making the kids' lunches?

I can't hear through walls, Maxine.

No mayo for Phoenix!

He's been looking a bit bloated in the face recently.

OK?

So, you know, I appreciate that

you all have been with me over my journey.

You know, from the Variety days until now.

And so, you know, I wanted the die-hard fans

to be the first to know that after nine long...

- ? The best in the business! ? - Hey, boys!

'Mattresses, mattresses, mattresses!'

No, wait, wait...

You know, finally me and my Sweet Gyals...

Daddy's mattress song is on the radio!

Are you trying to give me a heart attack? What are you doing?

Daddy's mattress song is on the radio, so...

Thanks, guys. I think I've heard that song enough times.

- They're just excited. - Yeah, we've all been on the radio, Neil.

- Thank you very much. - I'm on the radio now.

OK, well, this is a closed set now, guys, OK?

So, you know, I appreciate that

you all have been with me over my journey,

you know, from the Variety days until now.

Enrique, keep that door shut. I'm having a meeting with my PA.

OK, take me through my schedule for today.

Checking.

Your schedule for today, Maxine, is --

8am, get ready for big label meeting.

12pm, big label meeting at WRM Records with Sam Clinton, A&R.

3.15pm, pick up kids.

That's it for today, Maxine.

Another manic day.

Thank you.

Mummy, I found your jacket.

My meeting jacket!

Oh, my... Take that off, take that off!

Is that...?

- Is that faecal matter? - No.

What's wrong with you?

Why do you do stuff like this to me?

I've only ever been nice to you. God!

Oh, my... Neil! Neil, your children are ruining my day!

Neil!

They've smeared my jacket with banana, it's ruined.

Neil! Neil.

Neil. Neil.

Neil!

You need to stop giving the kids fruit,

- they're going to develop diabetes. - You all right?

No, can you come and help us out please? The kids still don't like me.

I think Phoenix has been stealing my Walkers.

Let me just finish up here, then I'll come take over.

Stop taking yourself so seriously, Neil.

You're making jingles, you're not ruddy Phil Collins!

Get out the bloody way, you two!

Oh, God.

Hasn't changed a bit.

Only feels like yesterday that I was here

getting my own bloody publishing deal.

Right, shall we bring it in?

Yeah? Bring it in.

OK, I just want to give you a little bit of advice,

yeah, from someone who's been at the top, OK?

When we get in there, yeah,

I want you to just really, really relax, yeah?

Really enjoy it, OK?

And just...

You know, take it all in.

Cos it's a brief flame, girls.

You know, eventually this industry's just going to chew you up and spit you out.

Ooh! And Amber and Kim...

- I'm Chantal. - Sorry, you all look so similar, don't you?

Actually, I've got you a little, little present.

It helps with the deal, a bit of padding.

No, I'm not wearing that.

My mum already said we look like hookers.

Right? And does your mum know how much money a hooker can make?

Huh?

Cos I do. Come on.

Let's go get our lanyards.

Off we go. Come on.

Don't walk ahead of me.

Stay back.

? Drop it down, take it down and you can lick it

? So you know we got the power

? It's gotta be for three hours

? If you wanna get this Sweet Gyal

? We Sweet Gyal

? And we're taking over with street style... ?

OK, cool.

So, who writes the music?

Well, usually me and Amber, we write it,

but this is one that Maxine...

Thank you, Chantal. I will take it from here.

So I suppose, Sam, the writing process for We Are Sweet Gyal,

you know, it's really a process of catharsis, cos I don't know

if you know what it's like to be a woman, Sam?

- Erm... - It's not easy, is it?

So I guess, you know, it's essentially about being

sort of a sassy, confident businesswoman.

And girl group.

And girl... OK.

Well, I think you guys clearly have some interesting ideas here.

Have you considered maybe teaming up with some other songwriters?

- Yeah. - Sure. - We'd love to... - Hmm...

No, to be honest, Sam, I think we were really looking

at keeping all the songwriting in-house, you know?

That doesn't mean we're not open to, like, a collab or something.

- I mean, maybe we could get Stormy on a track? - Stormzy.

I mean, would he maybe be open to us writing some raps for him?

To actually write for...?

Erm... Hmm.

I don't know... Yeah, I don't even necessarily mean Stormzy.

I just think what I'm trying to say is, you guys could really

just benefit from just a bit more work in terms of your songwriting,

- just in terms of developing that. - It's quite funny, cos I was actually just thinking the same thing,

- to be honest. - Oh, right? - It's funny, cos we're actually really ready

to do more work, you know. I'm ready, they're ready.

Kim doesn't look like she's ready, but she is.

Tell him, Kim. Tell him you're ready.

- I'm ready. - Right, then.

Yeah... Yeah, I think just, you know, there are so many

acts out there, you know, who are all doing the same thing.

- Yeah. - I think you guys really need to find what makes you different.

You need to seize the opportunity to create something new.

You know, find your niche.

Niche! That is a great reference, Sam.

Definitely going to take niche on.

Actually writing that down...

Maybe not so as literal as just the word niche.

I think what I'm really saying is,

you know, if possible,

maybe the industry actually needs a bit more variety to choose from,

rather than the kind of same old thing again and again,

- if that makes sense. - Yeah, definitely. - Total sense.

Sorry, Sam did you say variety,

cos I used to be in a band called Variety?

- Ah, no. - Just a coincidence.

I'll write that down.

OK, look. I should really actually sort of get on to another meeting.

- Oh, no! - Thank you so much for coming in. - Sam! - It was great to meet you.

- Thank you. - Thank, Sam. - Been a pleasure. Thanks.

Thank you so much. It was a really good session, wasn't it?

- OK. - I just wondered if we could pencil another one in for next week?

I'm very... Next week is, it's tricky.

It's a difficult time of year. Do speak on the way out and see,

- but I think next week's tough. - Yeah, we'll book in.

All right, thank you.

'The Land of Leather bank holiday weekend sale.

Ruislip, Hanger Lane, Purley Way, Croydon.

Sofas subject to availability, terms and conditions apply.

Yeah, sounds great, Mikey. Can we just try another one?

You know how Spanish people speak quite quickly?

Could you do it like that, but in English?

Yeah, man.

'Sofas subject to availability,

terms and conditions apply.

- Nailed it. - Sweet.

Oh...

Oh, do you remember Sarah from school?

Fit Sarah or Sarah the Ginge?

- Yeah, Fit Sarah. - Yes, I do.

Right, I was talking to Tony the other day.

Turns out she's a brass now.

Wow. She must be... an expensive one.

No.

No, man.

She lost her looks.

Shit, man.

Do you want some of this?

Nah, I'm good.

I should have found out the exact price, actually.

It would have been good to know.

Probably quite reasonable.

Post-WRM Records debrief, Friday, 2nd of July, 1300 hours.

- So, that went well, didn't it? - What?

- He hated us. - It was embarrassing.

- He thought we were shit. - What?

He didn't think we were shit.

God! Anyway, shit isn't always a bad thing.

You know, shit makes things grow.

- It's exactly what this industry's made of. - It's made of shit?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

You know, I just think it's good to be positive about the negative.

You know, it just kind of feels like you're not getting this right.

You know, we don't actually WANT to be shit.

We don't want to sing your weird songs and wear Wonderbras.

OK, I think let's back up for a sec, yeah?

For starters, they're not Wonderbras, they're padded bras.

- You know, I'm not a pimp. - Whatever. It's not right.

You bought us vapes last week.

I don't want to smoke.

- I've got asthma. - Oh, my God!

Vapes are part of the brand.

It's not smoke, they're harmless. Look.

- This isn't working. - This IS working!

This is Kim getting in your head, isn't it?

Did you put them up to this?

I just...

I think we all feel like this isn't working.

Ah, so you've found your voice suddenly, have you, Kim? God!

You don't have a clue, do you?

I put my dreams on hold...

This is pointless.

This is not pointless!

You just need to give me a chance, OK?

You know, we signed a contract together.

Look, your contract doesn't mean shit.

If we want to leave, we're going to leave.

I printed that from the internet, Chantal!

Look, please don't shaft me.

Look, we're not shafting you, yeah?

Just tell us how you're going to make things better.

OK, really good idea. What I'm going to do...

First things first, I will get a calendar invite together, yeah?

Yeah? And then we can meet up tomorrow about how

- we're going to make things better. - When? - Oh, when's good for you?

Should we say, like, six o'clock? Does that... suit...?

OK, great. Let me put that into my diary, girls.

Looking forward to that.

Where...?

Where's my cappuccino?

Where did I...?

Oh, mate, don't eat the whole multipack, they're Maxine's.

What do you think of this?

You've done it again, man.

You're still the hit machine.

Woolworths' best newcomer.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

Brief said they want it to be opulent but affordable.

What the fuck does that even mean, man?

You know, you know what they're like.

Remember, the last one was ominous but hopeful.

- Question is... - Is it sofa-y enough?

Is it leathery enough?

The Land of Leather, a mystical world.

Is it land-y enough?

An obscure planet full of cow skin.

Neil Hancock speaking.

Shit.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Yes.

Yeah, all right. Yeah, sorry.

I'm on my way.

Maxine forgot to pick up the fucking kids.

Right. Well...

What do we do?

We've got to go.

- To the school? - Yeah, now.

- Well, are there going to be teachers there? - Yeah, it's a school.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

No, no, no, no!

I'm not having this. Not today, Mister!

I'm just leaving.

I've already issued the ticket.

It was barely six minutes over.

There's nothing I can do.

Your ticket had expired.

If you want to dispute it, you can go online and appeal.

Hold on. There must be something. Erm...

Yeah, there we go.

How about I give you this...

.. and we pretend like nothing happened? Hmm?

That's �1.80.

Can today get any fucking worse?

OK...

Look, is all this really necessary?

You know, maybe it could be settled outside the courts?

If you catch my drift.

I don't catch your drift.

Do you really want to give a penalty charge to a girl like me?

A girl?

God, you Millennials, you're all the same, aren't you?

You're too confident for your own fucking good.

You forget that my generation invented the bloody internet.

Now piss off with your phone and let me go on with my work while you just

piss about with your phone all day. Absolute joke, aren't you?

Get a proper job, mate.

I'm working. Give it a go.

Go on, piss off!

Piss off!

Wanker!

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Hello, Neil. Did you call me?

You forgot the kids again. The school called me.

Oh, Christ! OK, I'll go grab them.

Actually, I have just started drinking, so can you grab them?

Sounds like you're out and about anyway.

No, no, it's sorted now. Mikey took me to get them.

- Can you guys hear a clicking sound? - Yeah.

- What is that? - Oh, great, so you're bumming around with Mikey again.

- We were in the studio. Where were you? - Jesus Christ, Neil.

I have had the day from hell, OK?

Everyone's been having a go at me, I've had about bloody enough of it.

And I've got a parking ticket,

so can you sort that out when you get in?

I'm going.

Neil?

Christ.

It was the hazards. It was the hazards, kids.

Had the hazards on the whole time.

Ah!

Sure you're all right to drive?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm actually a better driver when I'm high.

Heightens the senses, if anything.

Technically, I'd say it's safer,

but bloody bureaucrats would never admit that, would they?

They don't know.

Why don't we get some food?

- That is a good idea. - Yeah?

- Chicken? - Yeah! - Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyone else got dry mouth?

- Massive dry mouth? - Me. - No, I'm OK.

Have you?

Me too.

So, you're all right now?

Yeah. It's elixir.

Mummy says you're not allowed mayonnaise.

Stop it, Enrique, you can have some, it's fine.

Mmm. Nothing wrong with mayo, kids.

I love a bit of mayonnaise.

In fact, they actually call me...

.. the Mayo Beast!

I am the Mayo Monster, children!

Feel my wrath!

Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

See? It's all right to have mayo, isn't it?

Mikey?

Is there a serviette?

'OK, I've got a question here from Clare in Hayes

who asks, "What's it like going out with someone from a boy band?"

Well, I think Maxine should answer that one!

I don't kiss and tell!

No, but seriously, being with Neil's great,

because he understands the whole fame thing, which is what I need.

Because, like, a normal person,

they might just get really jealous or whatever, so, yeah...

Aw, so romantic!

I've got another question here that says, "Now the single's out,

"what's next for Variety?"

We just want to be in the band forever, really, don't we?

- Yeah. - Even when we're old and gross!

Yeah, even when we're mums.

Oh, that would be ridiculous.

- 'It's Saturday morning! - Hooray...

Hello! We're coming to you live with a packed show,

including girl band Variety!

Straight up to bed, kids. Go on, up you go.

Brush your teeth, I'll be there in a minute.

And I'm going to be hanging out with Dr Karl Kennedy from Neighbours!

And we'll be playing Zip Zap Bong with you at home.

But first, let's check out the latest single from Variety.

Not this again.

This is Never Giving Up.

Ow!

- What you doing?! - Oh, good, you're up, you can give me a hand

getting this stuff out of the shed.

I need the shed, Max. It's where I work, it's where I earn our living.

All right, Neil. We're probably not going to retire on your Pampers jingles, are we?

It's all a bit too complicated to explain at the moment,

but all I can really say is I...

- .. I've found my niche. - What are you talking about?

It'll all be explained later, Neil. We're actually having a BBQ.

Can you rustle up one of your famous potato salads?

- You know Dane loves a potato salad. - Why's Bowers coming over?

- It's an industry event. - I've never even made a potato salad.

I'm going to take this, OK? This is a work call.

Hi, Dane. What are you up to?

I've got a last-minute booking for you.

This is a �300 guitar.

We can get some vegan bits in, yeah, of course.

Oh!

Cremated.

(Hi, man.)

So I booked in with Sarah, the brass.

- Booked in? - Yeah. It's really easy, actually.

She's got a website.

- Brass? - Yeah.

Have you got any pictures of her?

- Er, yeah. - Let's have a look.

- They real? - Oh, she's for real.

- When are you doing it? - Tuesday week.

Gather around, everyone!

Can we gather round at the shed/office space?

Gather round.

Come on, Neil. Come on. Get in place, come on.

So, just a quick note, yeah?

This is an industry announcement and so we are streaming live

across all of the major social media networks.

And I would suggest if you aren't comfortable with this

then you should leave immediately.

And without further ado...

.. welcome to the future of music.

I'm just going to put on this promotional video now.

Hi, I'm Maxine Hancock and today

I'm launching not only my latest pop act,

but also a brand-new genre of music.

Introducing Mum Pop.

Mum Pop is the answer to an industry in crisis.

Its innovative, it's inclusive

and who better to bring this brand-new genre to the mass market

than an already successful group of girls turned mums?

But don't just take my word for it.

Here's influential A&R Sam Clinton to tell you more.

There's so many acts out there who are kind of doing the same,

the same thing. You know, maybe...

.. what the music industry needs is actually a bit more variety.

Bit more variety... variety... variety.

It is my pleasure to introduce the world's first-ever band of mums.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

Over to you, Maxine.

Thank you, Maxine!

So, what do we think? Any questions?

Are you...? So are you getting Variety back together?

Oh, somebody obviously wasn't listening, were they?

Have you spoken to the girls?

Yes, Neil. I'm sure they're all very interested in hearing more, so yeah,

yep, they're all on board in theory.

Sorry, what exactly does this have to do with us?

Because you called us and said you had a big announcement

about OUR careers?

Yes, and this could affect the careers of women everywhere.

We're not mums. I don't see...

Well, you could be one day

and if Mum Pop takes off in the way I think it will,

then you might want to think about doing it sooner rather than later.

Don't worry, girls. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still your manager.

And yours, Dane.

Yeah?

I don't get what Mum Pop is.

OK, that's probably enough questions for now, isn't it?

Shall we all raise our complementary bubbly and make a toast?

A toast to success.

A toast to being two steps ahead of the music game.

Hit the tunes, Dane.

- Were you going to talk to me about this? - I know, it's exciting,

isn't it? We can catch up later in bed, can't we?

- How do you think it went? - Shaboom, that's how I think it went.

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