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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:33,344 --> 00:00:36,740 Sorry I'm late, everyone, I was glued to the footie. 2 00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:39,804 With digital you can choose your own angles. 3 00:00:40,004 --> 00:00:44,150 I've just watched it in front of Ginola's shorts. 4 00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:49,811 I was glued to the telly as well. Are you a footie fan, Jim? 5 00:00:50,011 --> 00:00:54,606 No, no, no. I mean I was actually glued to the telly. 6 00:00:54,806 --> 00:00:59,232 I was trying to build an Airfix model of the spaceship Enterprise 7 00:00:59,432 --> 00:01:02,162 and I had a bit of spillage. 8 00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:06,355 How did you get unstuck? Well, I didn't. 9 00:01:09,109 --> 00:01:13,916 Right, let's get started. First thing on the agenda 10 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,991 is this year's Christmas show. 11 00:01:17,191 --> 00:01:19,629 Now, as we know last year was a bit of a disappointment. 12 00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:25,412 Your juggling, Owen. No-one's juggled with live puppies before. 13 00:01:25,612 --> 00:01:28,760 Or since. I only dropped a couple! 14 00:01:30,027 --> 00:01:35,183 We need this year's show to be a triumph. It is after all the millennium - 15 00:01:35,383 --> 00:01:40,122 2,000 years since Jesus' birth. Well, we're one step ahead of you. 16 00:01:40,322 --> 00:01:43,187 Over to you, Hugo. 17 00:01:43,387 --> 00:01:49,444 Well, six months ago, the vicar approached me, Frank and Jim... 18 00:01:49,644 --> 00:01:54,372 ..to form a Christmas show subcommittee 19 00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:57,000 to come up with big ideas. 20 00:01:57,248 --> 00:02:01,424 We've been meeting once a fortnight and we're pretty excited 21 00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:04,285 because just this week we had a breakthrough. 22 00:02:04,865 --> 00:02:07,023 Ahaa... And what's that? 23 00:02:07,223 --> 00:02:09,403 We've agreed the date of the first full meeting. 24 00:02:09,803 --> 00:02:12,159 Right..., and when that's gonna be then? 25 00:02:12,359 --> 00:02:13,767 February 10th. 26 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,761 Next year? Yes. 2000? Yes. 27 00:02:17,961 --> 00:02:20,535 After Christmas? ....Yes. 28 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,377 Well this is very depressing Hugo, 29 00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,460 we want this to be the best Christmas ever. 30 00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:27,355 And we don't have a show. -Sorry. 31 00:02:27,555 --> 00:02:29,084 I could juggle with kittens. 32 00:02:30,161 --> 00:02:32,024 They don't mind being dropped. 33 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,285 How do you know? -Experience... 34 00:02:36,485 --> 00:02:40,146 Moving swiftly on. -All we need is one of us, 35 00:02:40,446 --> 00:02:44,099 to come up with one idea for the best Christmas show ever. 36 00:02:44,299 --> 00:02:45,433 By tomorrow. 37 00:02:47,811 --> 00:02:49,435 Mmm.. Yeah.. 38 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,522 I've got it. I've darn well got it! 39 00:02:52,722 --> 00:02:53,900 Well done. 40 00:02:54,013 --> 00:02:58,236 Listen, Christmas is all about the baby Jesus, isn't it? 41 00:02:58,436 --> 00:03:03,372 Yes, and I warn you to be careful before you suggest juggling babies. 42 00:03:03,872 --> 00:03:06,528 On second thoughts, perhaps I haven't got it. 43 00:03:08,014 --> 00:03:13,273 Yes, of course, bishop, our show will be very, very special indeed. 44 00:03:14,531 --> 00:03:18,661 We haven't decided, but I'm sure the best idea is round the corner. 45 00:03:19,287 --> 00:03:22,123 Nice to see me, to see me nice! 46 00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:25,508 Spoke too soon on that one. 47 00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:28,289 I'll speak to you in January, then. 48 00:03:28,489 --> 00:03:30,444 Oh, love to Julio, by the way. 49 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:34,724 And Juan too. Has his nasty piercing infection cleared up? 50 00:03:35,224 --> 00:03:37,287 OK, bye. 51 00:03:38,297 --> 00:03:40,510 So how's it going, O' lady of the lump? 52 00:03:40,729 --> 00:03:44,187 Weird. I can feel it moving around. Ooh! 53 00:03:44,387 --> 00:03:47,590 You've never had anything moving around inside you, have you? 54 00:03:53,094 --> 00:03:55,534 Not a baby, no. 55 00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:59,669 It's amazing. It's almost as if it's alive. 56 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,154 But it IS alive, Alice. 57 00:04:03,354 --> 00:04:06,131 Oh, yeah. Oh, brillo! 58 00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:10,595 Do you mind if I just get on? Got a bit of a Christmas crisis. 59 00:04:10,795 --> 00:04:15,558 I'll just sit here, then. Get out your way. Get my breath back. 60 00:04:15,758 --> 00:04:18,754 Right, I'll just get my stuff, then. 61 00:04:25,175 --> 00:04:26,740 Can you turn that down a bit? 62 00:04:27,555 --> 00:04:29,128 It's a funny thought, is'n it? 63 00:04:29,328 --> 00:04:33,193 When they're 70, babies like that one you've got in your tum 64 00:04:33,393 --> 00:04:35,867 will go gooey over music like that. 65 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,473 The same way that we got sentimental about Abba. 66 00:04:38,673 --> 00:04:41,255 They get all teary eye over "Smack'n the Bitch up" 67 00:04:42,945 --> 00:04:46,563 Yeah, Abba were a bit experimental for me. 68 00:04:47,734 --> 00:04:51,880 I like my music more middle of the road. What would that be? 69 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,410 The Wombles, really. 70 00:04:55,319 --> 00:04:57,025 Right, right. 71 00:04:57,225 --> 00:04:59,405 They were a great band, weren't they? 72 00:04:59,605 --> 00:05:02,642 Remember you're a womble. 73 00:05:02,842 --> 00:05:06,291 Yeah, v, v funky, weren't they? 74 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,711 Funny, you never hear of them any more, do you? 75 00:05:09,911 --> 00:05:13,064 It's funny that because, Take That split up and 76 00:05:13,264 --> 00:05:15,940 Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow kept on making records, 77 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:17,702 but I mean, what happened to the Wombles? 78 00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:22,487 You never see Uncle Bulgaria on Later With Jools Holland. 79 00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,657 That's because Uncle Bulgaria was a man in a suit. 80 00:05:26,857 --> 00:05:28,986 Uncle Bulgaria never wore a suit. 81 00:05:29,186 --> 00:05:33,107 I mean, there was always a man inside Uncle Bulgaria. 82 00:05:33,307 --> 00:05:35,645 I don't care what he got up to in private. 83 00:05:39,487 --> 00:05:44,825 Many rock stars are gay. It doesn't mean he wasn't a great musician. 84 00:05:45,025 --> 00:05:49,051 No, he wasn't a musician at all. He was just a costume. was'nt he.. 85 00:05:49,251 --> 00:05:51,492 Uncle Bulgaria is in a box somewhere. 86 00:05:51,692 --> 00:05:53,580 Uncle Bulgaria is dead? 87 00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:57,164 Let's finish this conversation before I stab you to death. 88 00:05:57,968 --> 00:06:00,220 I have got to devise a brilliant christmas show 89 00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:03,326 something the people of Dibley will remember for the next 1,000 years. 90 00:06:03,526 --> 00:06:08,166 That's easy! And not Dibley's "Wombling merry Christmas". 91 00:06:08,366 --> 00:06:10,396 Oh, right. Difficult. 92 00:06:12,392 --> 00:06:15,305 I suppose the Nativity is the obvious choice. 93 00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:18,471 Well, of course it is, but we need to give it a twist, don't we? 94 00:06:19,285 --> 00:06:23,174 Well, I suppose you could do it on an actual farm. 95 00:06:23,374 --> 00:06:25,663 Not a farm, you silly girl! 96 00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:29,254 So the audience can follow the story, round the farmyard 97 00:06:29,454 --> 00:06:32,351 on a magical moonlit night... 98 00:06:32,837 --> 00:06:35,190 You know, visit the shepherds in a real field. 99 00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:40,582 Have Mary and Joseph in a stable with real cows - that sort of thing. 100 00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:44,370 Alice? -Yeah? 101 00:06:45,890 --> 00:06:49,455 How does it feel to have your first very good idea indeed? 102 00:06:50,504 --> 00:06:55,381 Great, it feels great. Good. And here comes some more. 103 00:06:55,581 --> 00:07:00,271 Maybe the wise men can't see Jesus when they come into the stable 104 00:07:00,571 --> 00:07:03,683 and we'll have to go, "He's behind you!" 105 00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:06,943 Oh, your taxi's arrived. 106 00:07:07,143 --> 00:07:12,250 Then Jesus can escape from Herod right up a sort of giant beanstalk. 107 00:07:12,450 --> 00:07:16,258 Oh, it's a spaceship come to collect you for experiments(!) 108 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:23,499 Enter next hopeful thespian. Hello, vicar. Hello, Frank. 109 00:07:23,699 --> 00:07:25,878 I'd like to audition for one of the wise men. 110 00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:29,521 Oh Right, lovley, right.., well, here's the script. 111 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,884 I'll read in the other wise men for you, shall I? 112 00:07:33,084 --> 00:07:34,989 All right. Ready? 113 00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:41,307 Here we go. "Lo, behold, a wondrous star in the East." 114 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,737 "Let us follow it, 115 00:07:45,069 --> 00:07:48,751 "my noble companions." 116 00:07:54,988 --> 00:07:59,295 Right. "Perchance we will encounter the son of God." 117 00:07:59,495 --> 00:08:04,547 "Then we will worship him." 118 00:08:05,843 --> 00:08:09,339 Interesting interpretation Frank, but I don't understand the voice. 119 00:08:09,539 --> 00:08:12,784 Well, I was just thinking, I'm playing a wise man. 120 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:18,818 Now, who's wise? And I thought - of course, Stephen Hawking! 121 00:08:20,794 --> 00:08:22,299 The voice. 122 00:08:23,417 --> 00:08:25,986 Right.., right... 123 00:08:26,186 --> 00:08:28,006 "Take this myrrh. 124 00:08:29,870 --> 00:08:32,960 "It's very nice." 125 00:08:33,406 --> 00:08:35,839 Well, I can see you've really thought about this Frank, 126 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:37,981 ...more's the pity.. Ahm.., 127 00:08:38,388 --> 00:08:40,627 can I call you? It's very good. 128 00:08:40,827 --> 00:08:42,653 Thank you. 129 00:08:43,153 --> 00:08:46,288 Right, who's next? -It's Owen. 130 00:08:46,488 --> 00:08:48,297 Excellent, Can you send him in? -Yes. 131 00:08:58,574 --> 00:09:02,123 Right... Owen... 132 00:09:05,166 --> 00:09:08,816 A....and you've come to audition for...? 133 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,230 The king! 134 00:09:13,521 --> 00:09:16,470 Of course - there were three kings and you are one of them. 135 00:09:16,670 --> 00:09:17,722 That's right. 136 00:09:20,241 --> 00:09:22,659 And will you be giving us an Elvis impression on the night? 137 00:09:22,859 --> 00:09:25,401 Well.. It would be mad to dress up as him, 138 00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:28,858 and then not lay down some serious rock'n'rolling. 139 00:09:30,135 --> 00:09:34,038 Are you lonesome tonight? 140 00:09:34,238 --> 00:09:38,833 Do you.. miss me tonight? 141 00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,112 Can I come back to you on it, 142 00:09:40,312 --> 00:09:42,147 I just store that performance and come back to you? 143 00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:43,577 -Certainly. Alright.. 144 00:09:43,777 --> 00:09:47,062 Would it help... ...if I slept with you? 145 00:09:49,552 --> 00:09:50,552 Pardon? 146 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,458 Well, I've heard you can get on in acting, 147 00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:54,688 by sleeping with the director on a couch. 148 00:09:55,516 --> 00:09:58,663 And I for one, would be only too happy to oblige. 149 00:09:59,604 --> 00:10:02,229 Um... -no! 150 00:10:02,718 --> 00:10:06,904 Who's next? It's Jim. He's come as one of the kings as well. 151 00:10:07,104 --> 00:10:09,823 Oh, Right. I hope it isn't Martin Luther King! 152 00:10:14,617 --> 00:10:16,390 Right. 153 00:10:19,156 --> 00:10:21,068 He says he come back later. 154 00:10:22,811 --> 00:10:27,274 So, how can I help you two? We'd like to play Mary and Joseph, 155 00:10:27,923 --> 00:10:29,592 with me as Mary. 156 00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:32,552 Oh, God! Oh, good! 157 00:10:33,079 --> 00:10:38,902 Actually, Alice, I was banking on you for the pivotal role 158 00:10:39,102 --> 00:10:43,000 of woman who sleeps through the entire thing in another inn. 159 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,931 Oh, that would be nice too, but I want to play Mary. 160 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:50,652 It's just that, O'dear, what a chame, 161 00:10:50,852 --> 00:10:53,648 you don't actually fit the vital requirements, I'm afraid. 162 00:10:53,848 --> 00:10:56,136 For instance, Joseph was a carpenter 163 00:10:56,336 --> 00:11:00,949 and, I'm afraid, Hugo just isn't, is he? 164 00:11:04,988 --> 00:11:07,742 Just finished them in evening class. Right, good. 165 00:11:07,942 --> 00:11:13,244 The crucial thing is they weren't English. Mary only spoke Hebrew. 166 00:11:20,086 --> 00:11:21,629 Yep, just like that. 167 00:11:23,065 --> 00:11:25,236 Please? Please? 168 00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:27,164 Look, I'll think about it. 169 00:11:27,364 --> 00:11:30,660 I want to play Mary. Right, I thought about it, 170 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:32,856 and I think it's an excellent, perfect idea. 171 00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:38,000 Hurrah! Ooh! See you on the set, Reverend Spielberg. 172 00:11:38,693 --> 00:11:40,259 Er...Hugo, 173 00:11:40,459 --> 00:11:42,969 you don't think your father will be willing to act, do you? 174 00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:45,972 Absolutely. He was rather hoping you'd ask him to play God. 175 00:11:48,594 --> 00:11:50,762 Actually, no. I had another part in mind. 176 00:11:56,337 --> 00:11:57,819 There we are, that's for you. 177 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,459 Nice try Jim, 178 00:12:00,659 --> 00:12:04,000 but I really don't think one of the kings wouldn't have been Billie Jean. 179 00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:13,653 Now, then, everyone, 180 00:12:14,218 --> 00:12:16,672 welcome to your first rehearsal. 181 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,159 Now, then, let's just whip around the circle, shall we, 182 00:12:21,359 --> 00:12:23,215 to check which parts we're playing. 183 00:12:23,806 --> 00:12:26,322 For instance, I am Geraldine. Hi. 184 00:12:26,522 --> 00:12:30,990 I'm your director. I'm also the announcing angel and the narrator. 185 00:12:32,782 --> 00:12:36,728 I'm Alice. I'm playing Mary. I'm Hugo. I'm Joseph. 186 00:12:37,446 --> 00:12:39,174 I'm David. I'm... 187 00:12:39,374 --> 00:12:40,438 Herod. 188 00:12:43,939 --> 00:12:45,434 I am Jim. 189 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:52,000 And I, er... No, no, no... .....no 190 00:12:52,782 --> 00:12:54,313 Good, moving on. 191 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:58,291 I'm Owen. I'm third shepherd, first king 192 00:12:58,491 --> 00:13:01,951 and it's my farm we're performing in for a very reasonable rent. 193 00:13:03,026 --> 00:13:05,402 Owen! For free. -Yes, thank you. 194 00:13:05,602 --> 00:13:08,439 Since this is an experimental play, 195 00:13:08,639 --> 00:13:13,392 I would like to use the rehearsal methods from Brook's productions. 196 00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:19,127 Brooke Shields? No, Peter Brook from the Royal Shakespeare Company. 197 00:13:19,327 --> 00:13:22,745 I wouldn't mind being directed by Brooke Shields! 198 00:13:24,926 --> 00:13:28,018 "This way to the bedroom, Jim." 199 00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:30,165 Do shut up, Jim! 200 00:13:30,365 --> 00:13:33,825 "Andre Agassi, get out of that bed, you lazy sod! 201 00:13:35,775 --> 00:13:37,793 "I've got Jim Trott here." 202 00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:43,134 Can we get on, vicar? I've got a meeting in April.... 203 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,881 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I got carried away. 204 00:13:49,064 --> 00:13:53,408 It's been a very long life with very little sexual experimentation. 205 00:13:55,274 --> 00:13:59,758 In Brook's classic productions, there was a lot of improvisation 206 00:13:59,958 --> 00:14:04,326 to enable the actors to explore the background of their characters. 207 00:14:04,526 --> 00:14:05,800 So let's do a little bit of that, shall we? 208 00:14:06,752 --> 00:14:09,407 Hugo, Alice, here we go. Let's clear the floor, 209 00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:10,914 come on, make an big open space. 210 00:14:11,114 --> 00:14:13,323 Don't worry, Alice, it's just pretending. 211 00:14:15,103 --> 00:14:16,904 Now, Alice, you're playing Mary. 212 00:14:17,104 --> 00:14:21,885 You're young, unmarried, a virgin and you find out you're pregnant. 213 00:14:22,085 --> 00:14:25,259 That happened to my cousin Sally. No, it didn't, Owen. 214 00:14:25,459 --> 00:14:29,537 She gave birth three times, but she never ever had sex with a man. 215 00:14:30,297 --> 00:14:31,339 Except me. 216 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,366 And me. 217 00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,526 And me, if I'm honest. 218 00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:41,990 Now then, Alice, unmarried and yet pregnant, all right? OK. 219 00:14:42,190 --> 00:14:44,259 That very day, who comes home? 220 00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:47,602 Joseph, your fiance, a humble carpenter. 221 00:14:48,503 --> 00:14:52,163 So, ooh, OK? And centre and go. 222 00:14:54,618 --> 00:14:57,348 Knock, knock. -Who is it? 223 00:14:58,223 --> 00:15:02,000 It's me, Joseph, your boyfriend, a humble carpenter. 224 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,805 Oh, come on in, Joe. Cup of tea? -Yes, please. 225 00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:10,010 Busy day? 226 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,603 Yes, I've been carpentering all day. 227 00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:15,008 Oh, good. 228 00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:18,481 And yourself? Interesting day? 229 00:15:18,681 --> 00:15:20,464 Er...well, yes, actually. 230 00:15:20,664 --> 00:15:25,934 I spent the morning shopping. Got you a lovely supper. What is it? 231 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:29,087 Loaves and fishes. 232 00:15:29,287 --> 00:15:31,620 A family recipe. 233 00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:34,037 Great. And this afternoon? 234 00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:38,040 I came home and the angel of the Lord was waiting 235 00:15:38,324 --> 00:15:42,470 and made me with child who shall be Lord of all mankind. 236 00:15:43,563 --> 00:15:46,259 -Oh, right. Hummus? -Please. 237 00:15:46,543 --> 00:15:48,970 Sorry, sorry, sorry... Can I just cut in there Hugo. 238 00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:51,596 You'd react a bit more than that, wouldn't you? It's quite big news. 239 00:15:51,796 --> 00:15:57,246 OK, yes, sorry. Good point. Absolutely, so centre and go. 240 00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:04,743 A bit of a turn-up for the books, Joe. I'm pregnant 241 00:16:04,943 --> 00:16:08,281 and God the maker of all mankind is the father. 242 00:16:08,481 --> 00:16:12,702 Oh, oh. 243 00:16:12,902 --> 00:16:15,578 Actually, do you got any taramasalata...? 244 00:16:15,778 --> 00:16:20,130 No, no, no! You're completely useless. Sit down immediately! 245 00:16:20,330 --> 00:16:23,295 I'll be Joseph. I'll show you how to do it. 246 00:16:24,906 --> 00:16:26,451 Hello, Mary! 247 00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:30,213 Hello, Joseph. Any news? Yeah, I'm pregnant. 248 00:16:30,413 --> 00:16:34,672 Hang on a minute! You're telling me you're pregnant? Yes. 249 00:16:34,872 --> 00:16:38,205 Well, who's the father, you little scrubber. Come on, who is he! 250 00:16:38,912 --> 00:16:41,679 God almighty, creator of all things. 251 00:16:41,879 --> 00:16:43,789 Yeah sure, I've heard that story before! 252 00:16:43,989 --> 00:16:45,768 Come on! WHO IS IT?! 253 00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,149 I don't know. 254 00:16:49,789 --> 00:16:55,348 I went to the loo and the angel of the Lord was sitting on the loo. 255 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:59,590 Then he said, "You don't need the loo. You're pregnant." 256 00:16:59,890 --> 00:17:02,011 Oh Mary, forgive me! 257 00:17:02,211 --> 00:17:04,395 Get away from me, you bastard! 258 00:17:05,530 --> 00:17:06,278 What? 259 00:17:06,478 --> 00:17:10,040 How could you doubt me? I never want to see you again. 260 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,938 I'm going to Bethlehem on me own. 261 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,422 And out of character. Well done! 262 00:17:20,182 --> 00:17:22,933 Whisky? -O'Yes, please, lots. 263 00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:27,200 I'm whacked. It's exhausting, all this directing. 264 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,945 No wonder Stanley Kubrick died. 265 00:17:31,010 --> 00:17:32,427 Right. 266 00:17:33,514 --> 00:17:34,699 Right. 267 00:17:35,624 --> 00:17:40,491 Now, obviously, vicar, I'm very happy to play Herod, 268 00:17:40,691 --> 00:17:44,797 but I did just wonder if we weren't missing a trick with him - 269 00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:50,000 a chance to make him more rounded, perhaps, bring out his nicer side. 270 00:17:50,217 --> 00:17:52,957 The nicer side of Herod? -Yes. 271 00:17:53,757 --> 00:17:56,838 Oh, I see, You mean like, the playful side of Hitler? 272 00:17:57,713 --> 00:17:59,221 Exactly! 273 00:17:59,421 --> 00:18:03,727 I mean, there's Herod - a cultured, sophisticated man, 274 00:18:03,927 --> 00:18:07,021 into music, into ancient art, 275 00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:11,418 and then he massacres just one batch of babies 276 00:18:11,618 --> 00:18:13,640 and suddenly, that's all people can remember. 277 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,957 It's not fair, is it.. So I have written a short singlet, 278 00:18:19,457 --> 00:18:24,407 nothing definitive, but perhaps putting his side of things 279 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,000 a little more... Well, you know. 280 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,679 Right. 281 00:18:29,879 --> 00:18:35,585 "Herod strokes his adoring dog, Cuddles, then turns to two soldiers. 282 00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:41,520 "'Take a batallion of men to Judea and kiss all the babies there.' 283 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,924 "Soldier one: 'Did he say kiss all the babies?' 284 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:52,013 "Soldier two, who is hard of hearing: 'No, I thought he said kill all the babies.' 285 00:18:52,213 --> 00:18:56,882 "Soldier one: 'Oh right, well, let's go and massacre them then.'" 286 00:18:57,082 --> 00:19:00,451 It's an interpretation. -NO, it's NOT. 287 00:19:00,651 --> 00:19:02,034 Naughty! 288 00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:05,288 Come on, now, focus, focus. Come on now... 289 00:19:05,488 --> 00:19:09,571 You're in the fields, tending your sheep, before the angel appears. 290 00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:12,140 A bit of chatter. Make something up. 291 00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:14,689 Right. Right. 292 00:19:16,597 --> 00:19:21,647 Fellow shepherds, did anyone see Ground Force last night? 293 00:19:21,947 --> 00:19:25,656 No, no... Oh, yes, that Charlie Dimmock! 294 00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:28,816 She can propagate my seedlings any time. 295 00:19:29,695 --> 00:19:30,701 No, no. 296 00:19:30,901 --> 00:19:34,733 When she leans over it's like two pumpkins rolling in a growbag! 297 00:19:35,933 --> 00:19:40,915 And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them. 298 00:19:41,115 --> 00:19:43,450 Shall I prompt you for this bit? As you'r playing the Angel.. 299 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,844 OK, but I am a vicar - I do actually know it 300 00:19:47,156 --> 00:19:48,893 Just in case. OK. 301 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:53,700 Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord 302 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:57,222 and I bring you glad tidings of great joy. 303 00:19:57,422 --> 00:20:02,872 For tonight... No, no, no! It's a dramatic pause, do you see? 304 00:20:03,072 --> 00:20:05,641 Well, it didn't look like a pause, It looked like you'd forgotten it. 305 00:20:05,841 --> 00:20:08,560 For I am an angel of the Lord 306 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,511 and I bring you glad tidings of great joy. 307 00:20:14,557 --> 00:20:17,917 For tonight... -NO, THAT'S THE PAUSE! 308 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:18,860 I thought you were pausing, 309 00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:21,546 But you paused a bit longer than you did in the first pause. 310 00:20:21,746 --> 00:20:26,249 I thought you'd forgotten it. Allright, look, I'll start again. 311 00:20:26,449 --> 00:20:27,645 You three don't say anything. 312 00:20:27,845 --> 00:20:31,755 We won't say anything. Not even our lines? 313 00:20:31,995 --> 00:20:34,099 Yes, your lines, yes, your lines! 314 00:20:35,299 --> 00:20:39,886 You've got to have a prompt. Right, Frank can prompt me, can't he? 315 00:20:40,086 --> 00:20:41,496 Yes. Thank you. 316 00:20:42,987 --> 00:20:44,957 She's not very angelic, is she? 317 00:20:47,438 --> 00:20:49,163 And lo, 318 00:20:49,363 --> 00:20:52,950 an angel of the Lord appeared before them... 319 00:20:53,150 --> 00:20:56,723 Be not afraid... -No, BE afraid! 320 00:20:58,471 --> 00:21:01,077 Be very afraid! 321 00:21:02,816 --> 00:21:04,154 Oh, yes. 322 00:21:04,354 --> 00:21:05,930 Oh, yes. 323 00:21:10,147 --> 00:21:12,275 Sorry to disturb you, vicar. 324 00:21:12,475 --> 00:21:16,099 No, that's absolutely fine. 325 00:21:16,299 --> 00:21:17,684 Oh! 326 00:21:17,884 --> 00:21:19,931 Yum! Yeah! 327 00:21:21,187 --> 00:21:26,585 The thing is, I'm a bit worried about this giving birth business. Oh. 328 00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:31,776 I watched a video of a birth last night and it looked really horrible. 329 00:21:32,828 --> 00:21:36,172 I don't want my baby bursting through my stomach like that. 330 00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:42,185 Was the video called "Alien" by any chance? 331 00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,000 That's right. 332 00:21:44,677 --> 00:21:47,000 Right, right. 333 00:21:47,388 --> 00:21:52,734 Also, I've heard that mothers-to-be should avoid unnecessary strain. 334 00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:55,197 So I been thinking, maybe I shouldn't be - 335 00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:58,774 acting in the play after all, cos it is pretty stressful. 336 00:21:59,549 --> 00:22:04,378 Oh, Alice, I'm sorry, but you've only got one line, haven't you? 337 00:22:04,578 --> 00:22:07,895 "But I am great with child." Just these six words.. 338 00:22:08,095 --> 00:22:14,138 I'm worried I'm going to forget them and the worry might cause me damage. 339 00:22:14,338 --> 00:22:16,610 I see your point, but on the other hand, 340 00:22:16,810 --> 00:22:22,233 if you leave me high and dry, this fist will cause you damage 341 00:22:22,433 --> 00:22:26,731 in the face department - obviously, the choice is yours. 342 00:22:29,089 --> 00:22:34,238 I think it will be OK. Yeah, I think so, I really do. 343 00:22:34,438 --> 00:22:36,490 Ah-ah-ah! No, sorry! 344 00:22:36,690 --> 00:22:41,710 Can you sod off now please? I'd like to be alone with Sean Bean. 345 00:22:42,325 --> 00:22:44,201 Isn't he lovely! 346 00:22:44,401 --> 00:22:46,897 Ooh, you've nicked my cake! 347 00:22:48,159 --> 00:22:52,549 Right, well, thank you everyone for an excellent day's rehearsal 348 00:22:52,749 --> 00:22:54,604 after a slightly shaky start. 349 00:22:55,296 --> 00:22:57,655 Right, the poster, what do you think? 350 00:22:57,855 --> 00:23:00,453 I don't know about that! What? 351 00:23:00,653 --> 00:23:04,208 Well, I just don't think it IS the greatest story ever told. 352 00:23:05,474 --> 00:23:08,674 I mean there's that great story about the people who's house were burgled 353 00:23:08,874 --> 00:23:10,719 who thought the robbers hadn't taken anything. 354 00:23:10,919 --> 00:23:14,068 And then they developed their photographs a month later 355 00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:18,054 and found photos of the robbers with toothbrushes up their bottoms. 356 00:23:20,382 --> 00:23:24,049 So you think I should write "the second greatest story ever told"? 357 00:23:24,249 --> 00:23:26,921 Yes. There is that fantastic story about the woman, 358 00:23:27,121 --> 00:23:30,204 who's husband that got out of a car and she heard this banging on the roof. 359 00:23:30,404 --> 00:23:34,635 And the police said, "Get out and don't look round." But she did look round 360 00:23:34,835 --> 00:23:39,626 and it was a lunatic banging her husband's severed head on the roof. 361 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:45,559 Perhaps I should just write "one of the top ten stories ever told". 362 00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:49,867 That's forgetting Jackie Collins' stories - The Bitch, The Stud. 363 00:23:50,067 --> 00:23:54,000 And Beatrix Potter, of course - she wrote lovely stories. 364 00:23:54,270 --> 00:23:56,551 And Newsroom South East's have some excellent local stories. 365 00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,921 Right, right, sorry, can we stop right there? 366 00:24:01,009 --> 00:24:05,491 Can I please just remind you all a little bit of the story we're telling here? 367 00:24:05,691 --> 00:24:12,042 2,000 years ago, a baby is born in a stable, the poorest of the poor. 368 00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:17,495 Yet during his lifetime, he says things that are so astonishing, 369 00:24:17,695 --> 00:24:21,589 that millions of people are still living their lives by them today. 370 00:24:21,789 --> 00:24:24,089 He said, "Love thy neighbour." 371 00:24:24,289 --> 00:24:29,410 He told us to turn the other cheek, whatever people might do to us. 372 00:24:30,294 --> 00:24:33,183 Does that include Simon bonking you like a beachball? 373 00:24:35,292 --> 00:24:37,289 Yes, it does, Owen. 374 00:24:37,489 --> 00:24:39,365 Sadly, it does. 375 00:24:40,842 --> 00:24:42,531 But most astonishingly, 376 00:24:43,442 --> 00:24:46,362 I believe that this tiny, little baby boy 377 00:24:46,562 --> 00:24:49,162 actually was the son of God. 378 00:24:49,562 --> 00:24:55,028 And when he was younger than I am today, he was brutally crucified 379 00:24:55,228 --> 00:24:57,864 for simply telling people to love each other. 380 00:24:58,264 --> 00:25:04,469 The men who did it thought, "He's dead and gone." Yet here we are, 381 00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:07,491 2,000 years later, 382 00:25:07,691 --> 00:25:11,051 in a village in the middle of England 383 00:25:11,251 --> 00:25:15,010 doing a play about his birth. 384 00:25:15,896 --> 00:25:18,931 Now, I think that's a pretty great story. 385 00:25:19,131 --> 00:25:20,623 Yes. 386 00:25:22,104 --> 00:25:25,173 Yes, all right, it's a good poster. Leave it as it is. 387 00:25:26,624 --> 00:25:31,137 Thank you, although I do admit, the one about the toothbrush is pretty gripping. 388 00:25:31,237 --> 00:25:32,603 Perhaps we can do it next year. 389 00:25:32,803 --> 00:25:34,215 Frank can play the toothbrush. 390 00:25:34,615 --> 00:25:35,953 Yes, please. 391 00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:48,946 Ooh, ooh, ooh! 392 00:25:49,246 --> 00:25:50,733 Ooh. 393 00:25:57,568 --> 00:25:59,801 Right, it's time to get going. 394 00:26:00,001 --> 00:26:02,343 Break a leg everybody, and dont forget, 395 00:26:02,543 --> 00:26:04,942 if you feel like improvising, just go for it. 396 00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:08,010 Ooh! 397 00:26:08,210 --> 00:26:10,429 Oh, I think it's started. 398 00:26:10,629 --> 00:26:15,000 Exactly like that. She's very good at it. Well done, Alice. 399 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,097 All right, everyone, give 'em hell! 400 00:26:17,297 --> 00:26:22,233 Actually, no, give them a quite heavenly evening, please. 401 00:26:22,433 --> 00:26:26,823 And Jim, I'm sorry, I think this beard is far too long. 402 00:26:27,023 --> 00:26:29,265 Oh, no, no... 403 00:26:29,465 --> 00:26:31,578 Yes, you could be right. 404 00:26:33,696 --> 00:26:34,973 Hello, everybody. 405 00:26:35,173 --> 00:26:39,336 Hi. Welcome to the farmyard Nativity. 406 00:26:39,536 --> 00:26:43,648 I hope you all enjoy watching it as much as we enjoyed rehearsing it. 407 00:26:45,230 --> 00:26:48,841 We haven't charged anybody anything to come in, 408 00:26:49,041 --> 00:26:52,814 so at the end there will be two angels at the gate. 409 00:26:53,014 --> 00:26:55,883 And all donations will be welcome, thank you. 410 00:26:57,147 --> 00:26:58,466 Here we go... 411 00:26:58,666 --> 00:27:03,478 I'd just like to say I'll be slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow. 412 00:27:03,678 --> 00:27:07,043 So order your Christmas beef after the show. 413 00:27:08,572 --> 00:27:10,824 Right, thank you very much, Owen. 414 00:27:11,987 --> 00:27:16,934 And it came to pass that there was a decree from Caesar Augustus 415 00:27:17,134 --> 00:27:19,544 that all the world should be taxed. 416 00:27:19,744 --> 00:27:24,899 And Joseph went to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, 417 00:27:25,099 --> 00:27:30,197 who was great with child and riding upon a donkey. 418 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,982 But the donkey did run away 419 00:27:38,182 --> 00:27:41,673 during rehearsals this afternoon, so in the end 420 00:27:41,873 --> 00:27:45,955 she actually turned up on a small motorised lawnmower. 421 00:27:49,688 --> 00:27:55,000 And so Mary and Joseph came unto an inn in Bethlehem 422 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,151 and knocked upon the door. 423 00:28:00,912 --> 00:28:03,958 Innkeeper, have you a room where we may rest? 424 00:28:04,358 --> 00:28:07,465 No, no, no. 425 00:28:07,665 --> 00:28:10,519 No, no, no. No room in the inn. 426 00:28:10,719 --> 00:28:13,950 We're fully booked because of the millennium. 427 00:28:16,540 --> 00:28:19,074 (But I am great with child.) 428 00:28:19,974 --> 00:28:24,331 Also I am great with child, so it's particularly awkward. 429 00:28:25,014 --> 00:28:27,326 (You, you.) 430 00:28:28,183 --> 00:28:30,178 Oh, sorry! 431 00:28:30,378 --> 00:28:34,177 But also I am great with child. 432 00:28:35,048 --> 00:28:37,629 Oh, I forgot it! 433 00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:40,834 (In that case, I have a stable you can use.) 434 00:28:41,134 --> 00:28:45,723 In that case, the vicar has a stable you can use. 435 00:28:46,598 --> 00:28:52,442 So Mary and Joseph went into the stable the innkeeper kindly offered, 436 00:28:52,642 --> 00:28:58,205 there to make preparations for the birth of the Holy child. 437 00:29:03,258 --> 00:29:05,647 Oh, I can feel it coming! 438 00:29:05,847 --> 00:29:07,848 Oh, That's good. -No, I really can. 439 00:29:08,348 --> 00:29:09,708 Oh! 440 00:29:11,546 --> 00:29:16,800 She was good, wasn't she? Very convincing. I was good, wasn't I? 441 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,282 No. No. 442 00:29:20,533 --> 00:29:23,629 And at that time in Jerusalem 443 00:29:23,829 --> 00:29:28,733 Herod had heard of the impending birth of the king of the Jews 444 00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:35,383 and he was sore troubled, for Herod was a cruel and jealous king. 445 00:29:35,909 --> 00:29:40,713 Soldiers go forth unto Bethlehem and kill all the infants there, 446 00:29:40,913 --> 00:29:44,112 for I shall have no other king but me. 447 00:29:45,546 --> 00:29:46,552 And so... -But... 448 00:29:46,752 --> 00:29:50,688 kill them gently... 449 00:29:51,437 --> 00:29:55,855 for I am not as cruel and jealous as some would have me be. 450 00:29:56,808 --> 00:29:58,575 And so... -In fact... 451 00:29:58,775 --> 00:30:04,492 I really love children, indeed I see some in my court 452 00:30:04,692 --> 00:30:10,544 and would give them many gifts of sweets and chocolates - for you. 453 00:30:10,744 --> 00:30:13,894 Thank you, Herod. And for you. Thank you, Herod. 454 00:30:14,094 --> 00:30:17,531 And for you. -I love you, Herod. 455 00:30:19,907 --> 00:30:25,629 And meanwhile in the fields, some shepherds were tending their flock. 456 00:30:28,775 --> 00:30:30,391 Improvise. 457 00:30:32,281 --> 00:30:35,726 See that ewe over there? She's pretty. 458 00:30:35,926 --> 00:30:39,263 No, no, no. Yes, I wouldn't mind giving her one. 459 00:30:39,463 --> 00:30:43,758 And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them 460 00:30:43,958 --> 00:30:45,945 and they were sore afraid. 461 00:30:52,252 --> 00:30:57,536 Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord 462 00:30:57,736 --> 00:31:01,821 and I bring you tidings of great joy. 463 00:31:04,897 --> 00:31:06,259 For tonight, in the... 464 00:31:06,459 --> 00:31:09,527 I know, you pillock! 465 00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:12,046 Sorry, sorry. 466 00:31:14,461 --> 00:31:16,138 Great joy. 467 00:31:20,215 --> 00:31:22,034 Wow, you're good! 468 00:31:22,834 --> 00:31:26,367 Oh! I mean, this is a Judi Dench-type quality performance. 469 00:31:27,693 --> 00:31:33,056 And so it was that the three wise men who looked like the shepherds, 470 00:31:33,256 --> 00:31:37,078 but who were completely different people, approached the stable 471 00:31:37,278 --> 00:31:41,846 riding camels, or doing very good camel-riding impressions. 472 00:31:44,523 --> 00:31:47,165 And as they came unto the manger, 473 00:31:47,365 --> 00:31:53,152 they saw Mary who was great with child and looking rather hot. 474 00:31:54,047 --> 00:31:55,528 Aagh! 475 00:31:57,161 --> 00:31:59,540 And in the company of only some cattle 476 00:31:59,740 --> 00:32:02,617 and her husband, Joseph. 477 00:32:02,817 --> 00:32:04,000 Oh, my God! 478 00:32:09,172 --> 00:32:10,402 Oh! 479 00:32:12,057 --> 00:32:13,883 Jesus, she's having a baby! 480 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:18,043 The line is, "Look, she's having a baby Jesus." 481 00:32:18,243 --> 00:32:22,284 No, she really IS having a baby. Have a look! 482 00:32:23,541 --> 00:32:26,074 Oh! Ugh! 483 00:32:29,276 --> 00:32:30,507 Vicar! 484 00:32:30,707 --> 00:32:33,465 Excuse me one second. Thank you. 485 00:32:35,251 --> 00:32:38,544 What are you doing?! We've got them in the palm of our hands. 486 00:32:38,744 --> 00:32:41,818 Aagh! Oh, my God! 487 00:32:42,018 --> 00:32:44,952 Oh, my God! We must have some towels. 488 00:32:45,152 --> 00:32:49,337 Owen, run and get some towels. I haven't got any. No towels? 489 00:32:49,537 --> 00:32:53,865 Why would I? To dry yourself after a bath. I don't have a bath. 490 00:32:55,346 --> 00:33:00,061 Would anyone here have some towels? You could use these? 491 00:33:00,261 --> 00:33:03,666 My entire costume is made of towels. 492 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:07,818 No, no, no! 493 00:33:08,137 --> 00:33:11,308 Will you excuse us for a moment. Is there a doctor in the house? 494 00:33:11,508 --> 00:33:14,322 -I'm a vet. You'll do, Could you come and help? 495 00:33:14,683 --> 00:33:16,057 Over my dead body. 496 00:33:16,957 --> 00:33:21,310 I'm not having grandchild of mine, brought into the world by James Heriot. 497 00:33:22,199 --> 00:33:24,428 Come on, It's common sense, surely! 498 00:33:24,551 --> 00:33:25,569 Oh, dear! 499 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:30,127 Are you sure it's a good idea having Herod take care of Jesus? 500 00:33:30,327 --> 00:33:34,170 He's not Herod now. He's Mr Horton. 501 00:33:34,370 --> 00:33:36,386 Oh, yes! 502 00:33:37,129 --> 00:33:40,279 Come on little one, push, push! 503 00:33:40,479 --> 00:33:42,387 Oh Geraldine, give us a hand. 504 00:33:45,654 --> 00:33:47,135 All right Alice, Breathe. 505 00:33:47,488 --> 00:33:49,789 Oh, It hurts! Does it.. 506 00:33:49,989 --> 00:33:53,091 Next time you get a contraction, you just hang on to my hand, 507 00:33:53,291 --> 00:33:55,642 really tight, grip it as tight as you like. 508 00:33:55,842 --> 00:33:56,762 It's coming! 509 00:33:56,962 --> 00:34:00,129 OK. Here it comes! 510 00:34:00,329 --> 00:34:01,909 OK. Here it comes! 511 00:34:02,109 --> 00:34:04,059 Aagh! Yeaow! 512 00:34:04,259 --> 00:34:06,531 Ya bitch! Ah-ah-ah-ah! 513 00:34:06,731 --> 00:34:09,183 Oh, oh, oh! 514 00:34:10,518 --> 00:34:11,736 Thank you. 515 00:34:11,936 --> 00:34:14,133 Oh, my God, here comes another one! 516 00:34:14,333 --> 00:34:18,142 Please! Allright.. all together.. 517 00:34:23,254 --> 00:34:28,179 Is'nt it something we can do to help? After all, we are the three wise men. 518 00:34:28,379 --> 00:34:32,683 No, no, no, we are the kings. Oh, right! 519 00:34:32,883 --> 00:34:35,837 Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins. 520 00:34:37,855 --> 00:34:40,885 Deep breathing. Deeper, deeper. 521 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,271 Oh! -Good. Oh! 522 00:34:43,471 --> 00:34:44,824 Oh! Here's Hugo. 523 00:34:45,024 --> 00:34:47,455 Oh, my God! -Oh, my God! 524 00:34:47,655 --> 00:34:52,160 There we are, just one more push. Oh, my God, I can see the head! 525 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:53,863 God, I hope that is a head! 526 00:34:55,662 --> 00:34:58,165 It's very realistic, isn't it? 527 00:34:59,047 --> 00:35:01,869 It's coming. It's coming. 528 00:35:02,288 --> 00:35:03,414 Aagh! 529 00:35:19,767 --> 00:35:22,204 And there, in a stable, 530 00:35:22,404 --> 00:35:24,883 2,000 years ago, 531 00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:28,622 God himself took part in the miracle of birth 532 00:35:28,822 --> 00:35:31,457 and Mary held in her arms 533 00:35:31,657 --> 00:35:36,819 a very special and very realistic child. 534 00:35:38,809 --> 00:35:40,338 Brillo pads! 535 00:35:41,694 --> 00:35:43,155 Most excellent. 536 00:35:43,355 --> 00:35:46,789 One, two... One, two, three... 537 00:35:47,171 --> 00:35:48,350 four. 538 00:35:48,550 --> 00:35:52,727 Silent night 539 00:35:52,929 --> 00:35:57,670 Holy night... Ssh! 540 00:35:57,870 --> 00:36:01,858 All is calm 541 00:36:02,058 --> 00:36:06,684 All is bright 542 00:36:06,884 --> 00:36:15,666 Round yon virgin mother and child... 543 00:36:15,866 --> 00:36:25,286 Holy infant so tender and mild 544 00:36:25,486 --> 00:36:35,160 Sleep in heavenly peace 545 00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:44,553 Sleep in heavenly peace. 546 00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:48,507 Merry Christmas to you all. 547 00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:56,271 Well.... She really is the most beautiful baby. 548 00:36:56,471 --> 00:37:01,646 Thank you. Could I just check something with you, vicar? Mmm. 549 00:37:01,846 --> 00:37:04,978 Have I actually given birth to the son of God? 550 00:37:05,478 --> 00:37:09,005 Because I find it a bit of a responsibility. 551 00:37:09,805 --> 00:37:13,350 No, Alice, you haven't. -Oh, phew! 552 00:37:14,128 --> 00:37:17,060 Apart from anything, she's a girl, isn't she? 553 00:37:18,460 --> 00:37:21,349 So she is. Good clue. 554 00:37:21,807 --> 00:37:26,593 Have you thought of any names? Yeah. Go on, Alice. 555 00:37:26,993 --> 00:37:30,563 Well, we've thought about it long and hard 556 00:37:30,763 --> 00:37:33,876 and we'd like to name her after you. 557 00:37:34,076 --> 00:37:36,335 Oh, guys! 558 00:37:36,535 --> 00:37:38,573 Oh, I don't know what to say! 559 00:37:38,773 --> 00:37:40,749 So I'm calling her "Vicar". 560 00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,085 Or... Geraldine. 561 00:37:48,569 --> 00:37:50,236 Geraldine! 562 00:37:50,436 --> 00:37:52,800 Oh, even better! 563 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,245 Splendid-o! 564 00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:57,352 Yes... Geraldine. 565 00:37:57,552 --> 00:37:58,642 Good choice. 566 00:37:58,842 --> 00:38:00,833 Excellent choice. 567 00:38:31,990 --> 00:38:34,579 A little Christmas gagette for you. Great. 568 00:38:34,779 --> 00:38:38,869 Santa Claus goes to the doctor. Oh, dear! 569 00:38:39,069 --> 00:38:44,340 He says, "Doctor, I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my bottom." 570 00:38:46,117 --> 00:38:48,533 I wonder how that got there! -Don't go there, okay! 571 00:38:48,733 --> 00:38:52,427 So the doctor says, "OK, Mr Claus, bend over, please. 572 00:38:52,627 --> 00:38:56,837 "Oh, yes, you do have a mince pie stuck up your bottom, 573 00:38:57,037 --> 00:38:59,922 "but you're in luck - I've got some cream for that." 574 00:39:04,169 --> 00:39:06,341 You see? Cream for the mince pie. 575 00:39:07,613 --> 00:39:12,329 You mean he's going to take it out and eat it? No... It's not hygienic. 576 00:39:12,529 --> 00:39:14,769 No, he isn't because it's a joke. 577 00:39:14,969 --> 00:39:18,083 What got into Doctors these days - what are they going to do next? 578 00:39:18,283 --> 00:39:22,146 Take out your appendix and have it with bacon and egg? 579 00:39:22,346 --> 00:39:25,748 Just leaving planet Earth. Take out your tonsils... 580 00:39:25,948 --> 00:39:28,813 Jesus Christ was born on Christmas day... 581 00:39:29,013 --> 00:39:32,376 To save us all from Satan's power. -That's you. 582 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:40,117 I'm not eating it, no way. Not if it's been up Santa's arse. 583 00:39:42,243 --> 00:39:44,247 I'm sticking to brandy snaps. 584 00:39:44,297 --> 00:39:48,847 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 46517

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