All language subtitles for Vicar of Dibley s02e01 Engagement.eng

Right, any other business?
Yes. I was just wondering -

did everyone
enjoy the village play?

Don't make me laugh,

I've seen amputations with more
all-round entertainment value.

Hamlet's supposed
to be a dashing student.

I'm not as sprightly as I used to be.

Sprightly? You spent the
second half in a wheelchair.

I pulled a thigh muscle.

I think you manoeuvred
yourself beautifully, Frank.

Momentary blip when you reversed
into the grave,

but then it only took 15 minutes
to climb out.

Best bit of the evening.
Hilarious stuff!

I'm only sorry more people
didn't come to see it.

Yes, the night I went
I was the only one there.

Must have disappointed the cast.
No, they weren't there either.

I went on the wrong night.

Did you enjoy it, sir?

As much as having
my nipples pierced.

Did you like my big speech
"To be or not to be"?

Very good,

I was rooting for you
NOT to be as soon as possible.

Well I think frank deserves
our congratulations.

..So, well done, Frank!
Bravo! Bravo! Encore! Encore...

So, Is that everything?

I'm still looking for items
for the parish newsletter,

or rather the parish
there's-sod-all-news letter.

At the moment,
The only thing we got

is a piece from David
about his missing watch,

witch actually is quite a mistery,
eh, eh, is that it?

Oh, yes thank's....
well... right...right..

Now I'm really desperate,

it's only three days left
until I have to go to print

and my only headline
is "HEN LAYS QUITE LARGE EGG".

So Please, could everyone
contribute with just one piece?

I could do a review
of Frank's play if you like.

that would be lovely, yeah.

As long as I can use the
word "dickhead" in the headline.

Mayby..
You're NOT the man for the job.

New members urgently sort
for the Dibley bondage club

If interested, please ring Frank Pickle.
At last.. a juicy item...

Oh, but it say bridge club..
What a pitty

Hiya. Hello, Alice.
Come in and shut up.

I'm having a serious crisis
with the newsletter.

Will you be telling us
when Jesus is coming? Sorry?

In last month's newsletter
you wrote about how Jesus is coming,

but you didn't mention any dates,

so Mum wants to know
when to get the house tidy.

That wont be like that Alice,
He'll just sort of turn up.

That's a bit rude.
I might be on the toilet when he's comming.

It won't feel rude. It'll feel
just lovely. That's all right, then.

Got anything for Gossip's Corner?
Oh yes, I do, actually.

Do you?! Oh, yes? Go on, then.

I heard the other day -
and don't tell anyone...

Of course not.

That Mr Garrett, yea.. yes..
was seen in the street kissing someone

that wasn't his wife.

Oh! Who was it? His mother.

So sod-all gossip, if we're honest?
That's right. Yeah.

The recepy page
have always been my favorite

I meen, shorly you got to have something there

Funny you should say that actioally,
this is our most exciting item so far,

an anonomus person has denoted
there recepy for chocholate pudding,

its a little bit crappy..
I know, but what did you say,

she did'n giv up her name..
No, no..

So.. it could be someone in this room..

Well, no... Not unless it's you wo..
It's you is'nt it!

Oh.. I should have guess when it said,
-With chocholate pudding

you can never have enough habit

Oh dear.. Well, I'll let you get on.
No, I doubt that very much.

Actually...
There we go.

There is one tiny thing.
Is there?

Do you think that I'm unattractive,

and will never be kissed by any man
and die without ever knowing

the joy of true love?

Oh, no! Don't tell me that Hugo
hasn't even kissed you yet?!

I just don't think that he loves me.
Oh, that's nonsense!

You have to give these things time.
Mm. How long have you known him?

Er...26 years.

Right. Well, the fact is
he DOES love you,

so maybe you've just got
to tell him exactly how you feel.

Oh, I, I feel like...

like I want to marry him
and have 15 children in a fortnight.

Oh. Well..,
maybe not EXACTLY how you feel.

It's just so hard. How did YOU tell
your boyfriends that you loved them?

Well, I usually stuck their hands
down my blouse.

I don't think that's going to work
for you and Hugo.

No, you need
a Cupid that's not stupid,

and that Cupid is ME.

Right..
-Plan of action.

You - virgin - go home, and come back
after lunch looking really nice, Okay.

Why..? No questions, just one hint -
-no garlic for lunch

and remove the biscuit from
the corner of your mouth.

Now shoo!

This is great. Yeah. I haven't
been so excited since

the card saying I'd won a beauty contest.
Do you remember?

We were playing Monopoly
at the time, were we not.

That's right.. I was SO proud.
-Yeah...

-Off you go then,
sad little lunatic.

Hugo, it's Geraldine. I invite you
over about two this afternoon,

and for God's sake try to look
sexually attractive, would you?

Bye, bye.

Sorted!

Hugo, come on in. Lovely to see you.
Oh, lovely trousers.

Oh, bon pantalon!

Yeah. You said sexy.

I brought something
for the newsletter.

-Oh, Great.
-It's an advert.

"Sock for sale. Bottle green.

Would suit person
with similar sock."

That's very exciting!?
Go in and sit down.

So, Hugo. You're probably wondering
why I asked you to come here today.

-I think I've worked it out.
-Oh, really? Yeah, yeah

You know the film League
Of Gentlemen,

were they gather the seven
master criminals of the world,

each of them skilled in there perticular trade,

master of disguise, lock-breaker,
explosives expert, etc,

all gathered to pull off
the greatest robbery of all time.

Er.. I vaguely remember it.

I assume
it's that. Am I right?

Er... No.

Well...

Right..., moving on. I'm going
to come to the point straightaway.

Hugo, do you love Alice?

Oh...

Er...

The answer is yes Hugo.

-That's right.
-I absolutly adore her.

And you're going to lose that girl
if you don't kiss her soon.

Oh?

-And that would be a tragedy.
-Yes.

Because I love her,
like Romeo loved Juliet.

-Good...
-Like Richard loves Judy.

That's less good.

-Can you promise me that
the next time you see Alice,

you'll give her a great big kiss.

OK.. I promise.

-Good.
Oh., mm., I wonder who that could be!?

Well, look who we have here!

-Hello, Hugo.
-Hello, Alice.

I'll just go and make some
tea then, shall I.

Hugo, I believe there's something
you have to do.

Oh.., this is easy.
I should take this up for a living.

Just create the right social
situation and love will flower,

like a flower flowering
in the right social situation.

Two lovely young people,

ther tender lips
meeting for the first time

in a whirlwind of passion
that is, in fact, true love.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
just kiss, you morons!

I'm so sorry.
Did I say that out loud?

Uhm...

What I actually meant to say
was.., please don't worry,

it's perfectly simple
and you're going to enjoy it.

All you have to do is to
close your eyes and move forward.

Then open your eyes again.

Look where you're going.
..That's right. And go forward.

Docking procedure almost complete.

And then...

Can't we just shake hands?

Yeah,
I like shaking hands,

it's an excellent way of
communicating, without getting wet.

Just DO it!

Right. Right.

-Good luck, Alice.
-Good luck, Hugo.

Yes!
Houston, we have kiss-off.

Oh, lovely!

Oh, well done, you two.
That's excellent.

Actually, you can stop now, Hugo,
if you want... Hey, why should you?!

Nothing like a nice long kiss,
is there?

Other than an even longer kiss,
obviously.

Alice, you can stop... no, look,
okey, here's what's going to happen.

Carry on kissing.
I'll get on with my work.

Right.
Don't mind me at all.

I'll just sit here...
No. Look, I'm going to pop out.

I'll be back in a while.

Oh.. Owen, you wouldn't give
me a hand with this shopping...?

Mm.. What's in it for me?

Em.. Eternal salvation?

Anything more,
you know...unnebulous?

Chocolate Hob Nob?

Let's do it!

Thanks, Owen.

Just bung those in the
kitchen for me... Righto..!

Yeah., thanks..?!

Now., why did you want to see me?
I want to put an ad in the newsletter.

Hurray! I've a 400-piece jigsaw for
sale. Good! We really need stuff.

It was 550 pieces,
but the dogs got to it.

-How much are you thinking of
charging? -I thought about 100 quid.

They're �4.99 new, but mine's
unique so it's a collector's item.

Yes, and the next collection's
on Thursday morning in a big truck!

I'll just type this out, then.

What's this, then?
Oh, that's Hugo and Alice.

They've been at it
for four-and-a-half hours.

It was quite a talking point in my
confirmation class, I can tell you.

So, what have we got? One jigsaw
for sale, partially eaten.

What's the puzzle of?

It's a woman with no clothes on,
but it's very tasteful.

What, a painting? Rubens? Renoir?

No, it's a Page 3 girl, but
the Labrador's eaten her knockers.

Oh, they're back!

Welcome home!
How was it, then?

Fantastic.
In English, Hugo?

Right, they're speaking in tongues.
OK...

Cup of tea?

Oh, no, thank you, Vicar.
I used to love having tea with you,

but now I realize that in
comparison to some things,

it's a total yawn-making
bore of bores.

Come on, big boy.

So...

Oh, well, the joy
of those first kisses, eh, Owen?

I've never had a proper kiss.
Oh.. Haven't you?

Except for Daisy and she was a cow,
so that doesn't count, does it?

You kissed your cow?!

No, the gamekeeper's daughter -
a right cow she was.

I gave her my pocket money
to let me feel inside her bra.

Then she didn't let you?

No she did, problem was,
she wasn't wearing it at the time.

Oh, dear. Some folk's lives
are full of love and softness.

Other folks never know
the tenderness of human contact.

The sun is out, the sky is blue,
there's not a cloud to spoil the view,

but it's raining,
it's raining in my heart.

Oh, go on, then.., you great
big loser... Give us a quick kiss.

Really?!
Yes., but no burping, though.. OK?

OK!

Here goes... Right.

Oh...oh...

Sizzle my sausage!

..Can I have another?

NO, NO!

Oh, God..,
what's this?!

Oh, great. I got that bit of pork
stuck in my teeth last week.

I thought I'd never get it out.

Thanks for that.
I'll see myself out.

Oh, no!
He's got one of my fillings.

I reckon he'll come on a Saturday
cos there's less traffic then.

Look, Alice, I don't know
exactly when Jesus will come.

Probably get a bus from High Wycombe.

Morning, Hugo.

Alice?

Tell me, Vicar..,
is Alice all right?

Oh, she's fine.
Please feel free to step over them.

"A report from bermingham university
suggests that there over 50% of-

-single people in Britain is now
talk to themselves-

-as a way of cobating loneliness"

Rediculous, how can they know that..

"And there were 30%
talking to there television"

Of course they don't!!

Ah, Hugo!

Excuse me father

What have you been up to?

Oh.. eh.. nothing,
you whouldn't be interessted

No, you probably right,

you havn't done anything
interessting uptil now

Actually.., I...
I have been up to something

There is something I have to
tell you father... Mm..

I'm in love with the most beautiful
and wonderful woman in the world.

-Jill Dando?

No, father, even more beutiful
than the wonderful Jill Dando.

Well done, you!

Anything to get you away
from that ridiculous Alice.

She was ghastly, wasn't she?

Less a human than a genetically modified
stick insect with it's brain removed.

So, what's this new bird called?

-I dunno.
-Don't even know her name?

Well!

You rogue!

Good on you, son!

Actually.., I.., actually,
I-I-I DO know her name, Father.

Well, splendid,
Spit it out, then.

Her name is... Well, the thing is,
her name is Alice.

-You're joking!
-No, my girlfriend's name is Alice.

What an incredible coincidence!

Pestered for a decade by the Cabbage
Patch doll named Alice Brain Bypass,

and when you finally do
find yourself a girlfriend,

she's also called Alice.

What's her surname?

Actually father.., can
we start the conversation again?

Just ask me a simple question
and I'll give you a simple answer.

Just.., ask me who my girlfriend is.

Very well.
-Who is your girlfriend?

Ah, well...

My daughter in law.
The mother of my grandchildren,

the mistress of this great house,

the co-inheritor,
of all the money I earned

in my long and unhappy life,
the one that will cherish me

in my old age and tend to me
in my veiling years.

The femail vessel,

into wich all my hopes and dreams
are to be poured

Right...

So what did he say?

I can't tell you what he actually
said because you're the vicar.

But, let's say a certain word

is represented by another word
that sounds like that word.

Like...duck, for instance.

He asked,
what the DUCK I was playing at.

He couldn't give a flying DUCK
if I DUCKING loved Alice DUCKING Tinker.

If I DUCKING kissed her again,
He'd make sure I was well-DUCKED.

Ah... DUCK me.

I love Alice with all my heart,
...but I also love my dad.

Of course!

If that's Alice, I'd better not see
her. I have a big decision to make.

Her radient beauty and subtle charms
may cloud my mind

as I grope towards
an answer that is right and true.

Rrrrrrrar!!

DOLLOCKS.

Come here, Mr Moist!

Well, er, I'd better be going.

Bye, everyone.

Oh, my God.
I knew this was going to happen.

He doesn't love me any more.

He sucked out all my juice...

and discarded me
like an empty carton of Ribena.

No, poppet,
it's not like that at all.

The truth is that he's...
he's sprained his tongue.

The doctor says to give it complete
rest. Oh, that's all right, then.

Yeah, so you keep away from him,
Miss Lusty Lips. I'll try.

Let's have some tea. Yes, and I can
get on with this newsletter.

Things aren't getting any better.

At the moment the headline is:

"Dibley Voted Village Of The Year..."

-That's exciting! No, let me finish.
"..In Dream I Had Last Thursday."

Owen... How are you?
I think this is your filling.

Er...thank you.

I'd have brought it sooner,
but I've only just passed it.

I, er...I won't be putting it back
in right now, then. Is that all?

Eh, No...
It's that kiss.

Ever since that kiss,
I've been feeling all churned up.

Yeah, my tummy's been dodgy too.

Then I decided, I need a woman,
but I don't want to pay for it.

I reckon the only way to get
a woman is to marry one.

So I was wondering...how about it?

Sorry, Owen. For an insane moment
I thought you were proposing to me.

I am!
-Right, yes. I see.

I'm not much of a catch,
but you're not getting any younger.

Thank you.

I'm not rich,
but I've got a bit of money,

not to mention
what I might get for that jigsaw.

I've been told that old stamps with
something wrong with them are rare,

so I thought I might sell this one.

Do you see that flaw?

Yes, you've drawn a moustache on
the Queen's face. I'm not stupid.

And I wouldn't expect you
to do a lot around the farm,

except when the cows get the squits.

In wich case then they
produce it quicker than I can clear it.

and it's all hands to the mops.

Lovely image.

And I'm pretty confident
I could satisfy you in the bedroom.

Quite frankly, I'm so desperate for
it, I could go on for months on end.

Yep, this is romantic stuff.

I don't expect an answer now.

I know you women like to think about
things when it comes to romance.

You're different from us men,
you've got smaller brains.

O' now I feel very special.

So I come back later,
and you can say yes then

and make me
the happiest man in the world...

Well... apart from Kriss Akabusi,
he's always happy.

You've only got to say hello
and he's laughing.

But I'll be pretty damned happy.

So...e., I'll see you later, then...

Mrs Newitt...

my little love bucket.

What did Mr Newitt want?

H-He's asked me to be his wife.

That is BRILLIANT!
I am so happy for you!

And you're the vicar!
You can do your own wedding service!

Do you take this man to be your
lawful, wedded husband? I do...

SHUT UP! I don't want to marry Mr
Newitt! Why? What's wrong with him?

How long have you got?!

His breath smells like nerve gas.

That gel he puts on his hair -
that is actually lard.

If I was looking for charm
and a good conversation

I'd sooner marry a courgette.

Other than that,
I'm shure he's gorgeous!?

It's just...
I don't love him.

Oh, poor you! You're going to marry
someone you don't love.

That's terrible, Geraldine!
Don't do it! Please!

No, no, no. I'm NOT going to do it.
That's the point.

Next time I see him, I'm going to
be honest and say I can't marry him.

It's him!

Right, answer the door, Alice.

It's a question of being mature
and grown-up and adult and mature.

Oh, hello! Come in.
The vicar's in the living room.

So, Frank, Jim, how can I help you?

We want to put a notice
in the parish newsletter.

Oh, thank goodness!
See if you can spot my little joke.

Right, "Want to have a go
at bell-ringing?

Then come along to St.Barnabas,
and let us show you the ropes."

He..he.., "Show you the ropes!"

Get it?

It's very funny because it's show
you the ropes

as in the actual ropes
that ring the bells... I know.

..And it is also...
-show you the ropes-,

as in -teach you
the ropes of bell-ringing.

Yes. Show you the ropes!

Yes, I do understand.
I, I don't get it.

Well, you see, it's show...
NO! NO! NO!

Actually, there IS something you two
could help me with. Please sit down.

Now, you're going to think
this is crazy and totaly ghastly,

but Owen-

"I've had my hands up more cows'
botties than James Herriot" -Newitt,

has asked moi -

sophisticated, glamorous vicar
of this parish - to be his wife.

Well done, Vicar!
Off the shelf at last!

No, no, no, you don't understand,
I'm going to turn him down.

Did you hear that?

And you chaps know him better than me.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I need some reassurance that
he won't be too upset? Yes or no?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

no, no, no, no..o.
-Good.

You see.. he's known
so much sorrow and tragedy,

a bit more won't hurt him.

s... sorrow and tragedy?

You know his brother drowned himself.
Oh, no, I didn't know that.

Yes.., it was all over
some nonsense with a girl.

She wouldn't marry him...,
He chucked himself in the river.

But Owen's quite different.

Owen takes after his father
and he was a much more cheerful chap.

Till he shot himself.

He had good reason to shoot himself.
His wife had just left him.

Yes.., and he'd already lost
both his parents.

When his mother tried to leave,
his father shot her.

Right, well...,
thanks very much, guys.

Not at all, Vicar.
Come along, Jim.

I think I'll just top myself now.
Save Owen the bother.

"Show you the ropes!"
He..he...

Oh, Alice...

what am I going to do?

Well, I have got one thought.

When my mum's got like a really
difficult problem to deal with, like, em...

like choosing her Lottery numbers,

she always has a little drink,
you know, just to calm her nerves.

Er..., no, I don't think so.

I think can deal with this problem

without having to drink myself
into a stupid Tinker stupor.

Actually, being a priest equips you
to deal with this human dilemma.

Ah.. Good.

I'd better go. It's roll-over week.
Mum's probably unconscious by now.

Anyway, bye!
-Bye!

Oh, yes!
NOW I'm thinking clearly.

Owen, I would love to marry you,
..but I'm already married...

to Gordon Brown...,
the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

No..,
he'll never buy that.

Owen, I would love to marry you,
but...I'm not the woman for you.

In fact..,
I'm not a woman at all.

I'm one of the Lobster people
from the planet Neptune.

Owen...
-I've come for your answer.

Owen, I would love to marry you...

Oh, thank you!
I'll go and get the condom!

NO! NO! Come back!

I haven't finished, Owen!
I hadn't got to the "but" bit.

Owen, I would love to marry you,
BUT...

I can't.
-Oh... Why?

Because...
I don't love you.

You're a good man, Owen,

and I'm sure there's a suitable
woman out there for you somewhere,

a nice insatiable woman
with no sense of smell.

But that woman isn't me.
Promise me you're not too upset.

I don't know exactly how upset I am.

But not enough to commit suicide
or anything like that?

Well, I haven't decided.
Before I do, answer me one question.

Oh, anything.
-Right...

Have you been drinking?

have had one little dropsicle, yea.

Becouse if there's one thing
I can't stand,

it's a woman who drinks.

So the answer to your question is,
NO I'm not in the slightest bit upset at all

In fact, I'm grateful to you
for saving me from marriage

to an disgusting old lush,
who smells of gin from dusk till dawn.

Madam, I bid you farewell,
you revolting old soak.

That is one hell of a charming dude.

Whisky?
Eh.., no, thanks, I don't, actually.

How's the newsletter comming on
this is the final day, is't it?

A.., Yes., It's not our best issue.
What's the lead story?

At the moment.., I'm torn between
"Almost Time To Plant Radishes"

and "Lost Cat...Not Lost".

Be that as it may.., the reason
why I asked you round today

was because I need your help
with a project I'm working on. -Oh.

Can you tell me..
is Kylie Minogue married?

No.., I think the beauteous midget
is still unattached.

Why..? Thinking she's the
right woman for you, eh, David?

No..,
not me - Hugo.

You see.., I've a list
of all the women he fancies.

One of them is bound to want him.

According to Debrett he's the 108th
most eligible bachelor in tho country.

Look, there he's under Dale
Winton. -Interesting place to be

Can I have a look at the list?
Posh Spice, Kate Moss, Ann Widde...

Hugo fancy Ann Widdecombe?!

Well, he liked the way
she took on Michael Howard.

You've even got me on this list!

You think I'm being a bit silly,
don't you?

I just can't bear the thought
of that Alice thing in my family!

David..,
I completely understand.

Alice does indeed have all the
intellectual capacity and carisma

...of a cactus.

-Alice is Cactus Woman.

But the trouble is, and it pains me
to tell you this David,

-you are the father of Cactus Man.

And these simple succulents
were made for each other.

Actually... as cacti go, I think
they're wonderful together.

Well then it will have to happen
over my dead body.

Look, this is my new will,
leaving Hugo nothing.

Ah, Hugo!
Just in time.

I was showing the vicar
my new will.

Papa, you're not THAT angry.
It's a bluff.

I can assure you that it isn't

It's like when you tried to convince
me you were Father Christmas.

I saw through that too.
-Then you SEE wrong.

If you consort with the Tinker twerp,

you will no longer be welcome in this
house, you will no longer be my son,

and as this will attests,
you will have nothing.

On the contrary, sir...

I will have everything in the world
that I desire.

Hi!
-Hi!

I'm.., I'm sorry
I couldn't see you yesterday.

I had to sort something out
with my father. -Oh, plumbing?

No, I was talking to him about you,
actually. -Oh.

Now that's sorted,
the time has come to, er...

Oh, have you dropped something?
Where is it?

No, I have to be on my knees,
that's all. -Oh.

Shall I come too? It looks fun.
No. You have to be sitting.

Oh...

Alice?
-Yes?

In the words of Sigourney Weaver,
in the film Aliens,

I just want to say...

"Get away from her, you bitch!"

No.

No., earlier..,
to the little girl.

"You stay in the ventilation shaft,
I'll check the corridor."

Just let me finish.
-Yes. Sorry.

Alice..., in the words of
Sigourney Weaver in the film Aliens,

I just want to say...

I will never leave you -
that's a promise.

I love you, Alice Tinker.

And I have to know.., will you do me
the greatest honour in the world

and consent to be my wife?

No...

But I thought that...
No.., I mean, let me finish.

No question I've ever been asked
has been easier to answer...

..apart from when my mother asked me
which Teletubby I most liked.

Cos the answer was Tinky Winky -
absolutely, just like that.

But even including that,
to no question I've ever been asked

has my answer been more certainly
and more positively...

Yes.

That's right!

Crackerjack!

Well..,
what have we here?

She said yes!

Oh.., that's a relief.
Or you'd have completely ruined my scoop.

-Oh, "Verger Towed Hugo Horton."
..Where to?

No.., no,
"Verger TO WED Hugo Horton".

"TO WED Hugo Horton."

See?

Is that true, Hugo?

Are you going to marry the verger?

But you ARE the verger, Alice!

Oh, yes!

Oh, right..,
Oh, yeah. Aw, nice.

Good luck.

What do you get if you eat
too many Christmas decorations?

I don't know. What do you get if you
eat too many Christmas decorations?

Tinselitus.

Oh, dear,
I'd better be careful.

What about?

Eating Christmas decorations - I'd
no idea it was bad for you.

What?!

You get tinselitus!
Yes, which is a made-up disease!

Oh..., It's all very well YOU saying
it's all in the mind,

but for people who have tinselitus,
it's painfully real.

Stop right there, Alice.

Of course they shouldn't eat the
Christmas decorations in the first place,

but once they have
wolfed down a couple of Santas,

society shouldn't punish them.

Are you interessted in being
alive on New Year's Day?

I can't bear to think about it actually.

It allways happens at Christmas,
everyone else is happy,

and there in the loneliness of their
bedrooms,

with little bits of bauble and angels
sticking out of their mouths...

-Oh., mercy.

The forgotten millions,
the victims of tinselitus,

or TI as we call it.

I'm beginning to think that,
Herod had the right idea -

kill 'em when they're young.
It's the kindest thing to do.

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