Original subtitles

Oh, yes. Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.

Yes, that's the idea. Yesterday I went to Crookenden and I bought this other stuff, a home brand.

Yes. And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Hmmm...

I'm losing you now. Right. You know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter...

You think it is butter? No. The stuff I can't believe is not butter is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Probably.

Well, I can't believe the stuff that's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter ISN'T!

I can't believe that

both the stuff that I can't believe is not butter AND I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

are both, in fact, not butter!

And I believe that they both might BE butter...

in a cunning disguise.

There's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.

Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by it all.

One thing I do know, though. What? This is not butter.

Clotted cream. D'you know where it's going? In here? No, in here!

KNOCK ON DOOR Uh-uh.

Mmmm... Sorry, mouth's not big enough, surprisingly. Come on in.

God got a lot of things right. I mean men's bottoms are lovely,

but mouths should be scone-sized. How can I help?

It's our little Karl... Yeah.

..I'm afraid he's passed away.

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry.

It was rather sudden. Would you be able to do the funeral tomorrow?

Yes, yes, of course. D'you mind me asking how old was Karl?

He was just three...

Oh, dear. Look, would you like to come in? No, no.

Thank you very much, Vicar. Right. I'll see you tomorrow. Take care.

How could I have said that about men's bottoms?!

I mean, they're not lovely. Most of them are just horrible.

My brother's bottom looks like Willie Whitelaw chewing toffee!

Oh, God... Oh, Alice, that poor woman!

Imagine burying him tomorrow. Don't people cope with death strangely?

They do.

When my father died, my mother cracked open a bottle of champagne and went to Majorca.

Well, that was probably cos she hated him.

Dear Lord, you have seen fit to take Karl from us.

We commend his soul to you and pray that you welcome him into the kingdom of heaven.

It's hard to understand why Felix felt it necessary to eat Karl,

especially since he'd just devoured an entire tin of Whiskas.

In the name of the Father

and of the Son and of the Holy Goose...

Amen.

It's mad, isn't it, Alice? People genuinely love their animals more than they love each other.

Animals are nicer than humans.

Yep. Good point, Wonderland.

I remember when my budgie Carrot first died...

I was absolutely heartbroken.

He was the only animal I'd not been allergic to.

When he first died? That's right...

cos he died and then two days later he came back to life again.

Ye-es. A bit like Jesus, but with feathers.

Then he died twice the next year. Both times, came back to life again.

Are you sure he absolutely did die?

Oh, yeah. Fell off his perch an' everything.

We buried him.

Just out of interest, what did he look like when he came back to life?

Well, he always looked a bit different, but I mean...

what would you expect because, after all, he had died.

Yes...you don't think, Alice,

that perhaps your affectionate, but technically insane mother

just bought you a new budgie each time so you wouldn't be too sad?

What...?

Poor Carrot actually did die? Yeah.

And little Carrot also died...

Yeah.

And Carrot?

Look, come on, come on...

We'll pray for all of them, the whole bunch of Carrots.

Hey, Alice...

Look!

I've had a letter from Florence Glover... That poor woman!

That husband of hers is a monster. The most unpleasant man that lived in the village. What's the news?

He's dead.

Finally, the pumpkin show is on Saturday week. All entries should be in by Friday night.

I got you this year, Jim.

No chance. Huh! They don't call you No Hope Newitt for nothing! All right, children(!)

If there isn't any AOB,

the Addams Family is on TV and I'd like to spend some time with normal folk.

Well... I'll catch it on video.

I'm planning a special service for the animals of the village.

Ooh, Sheba and Fishcake will be pleased.

I beg your pardon? I know you'll all think I'm Miss PMT 1994,

but this IS a country parish and people just adore their animals.

So why not be an ark for a morning? Jim, you can be Noah. N--n-n-n....

Noah. That's right. Sounds barking mad to me.

Yes, I think the vicar can do what she wants with her own church.

Perhaps we can return to this later. We meet again in a fortnight.

Vicar, I wonder if you could drop by tomorrow after lunch. Little chat.

Certainly. I'd invite you for lunch, but Hugo is cooking and his food tastes like manure.

Doesn't it, Hugo?

Sorry, Father? Your food! What does it taste like? Oh, absolute poo, I'm afraid.

See you after lunch. Yes.

It's cold out here. You should put your horse in the stable, David.

Looks like it's got a great big stalactite hanging between its legs! Afternoon, Vicar.

I must say, David... Oh, cheers.

I really appreciate your support on this whole animal thing.

When I arrived, I thought you and I would fight like Richard and Judy.

But now, something warm and cuddly and a bit Mr Kipling's happening.

Well, I'm delighted about that.

Port? Oh, yes. Bugger the gout! Who needs two legs?

There is one little thing I wanted to say about this animal service.

Excellent. All ideas welcome.

Are you seriously letting animals into our church?

Er, yes, I am. I think it's a great idea. People love animals.

People also love food mixers.

We're not pressing the Archbishop of Canterbury for communion for the Moulinex Magicmaster(!)

Are you hinting that you're not keen on it?

Have you thought it through? Is there to be any limit on size?

Is a hippopotamus allowed? There aren't any hippos here...

Well... Apart from Mrs Stanfield!

Do nits get a blessing? Are fleas to be excluded?

Should we bring our free-range eggs to have the unborn chickens blessed, before we go home to scramble them?

For a big chap, David, you're being very childish.

I'M being childish?! I'm not the one who's going to bless the ickle-wickle hamster!

I mean, what if your congregation start eating each other?

Any animal found swallowing another will be pretty sternly ticked off.

And that is before we consider hygiene.

One of the joys of having humans in church is that they tend to be house-trained(!)

Well, I don't deny there may be one or two puddly accidents.

If Mrs Fothergill's parakeet gets loose, we'll be wearing protective headgear for the rest of our lives!

I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you.

Who will you talk to? The animals?

Even Jesus, who had damn whacky ideas, didn't bless animals. Donkeys, he rode. Fish, he ate...

Hello, Vicar. Great idea about the service. Out!

Absolutely. Saucepans to scrub. I don't... Now...

Just one question... Teddy bears. Someone was asking. Will they be welcome?

Abso-bloody-lutely, Hugo! Yes, they will.

Splendid. I better go. I'm expecting a doctor friend... Perhaps you've heard of him. Doolittle(!)

Do me one favour, Vicar.

Try not to publicise this fiasco outside our poor little village.

And do look up the word "laughing-stock" in your dictionary.

I'm also going to look up "lips go unattractively thin when angry"!

Can I speak to the Bishop's office?

You're having animals in church? Yes, we are.

Will gerbils take communion? Oh, gosh! It's like Blockbusters.

You'd have to ask the vicar. ..This man's asking about the service.

Have we met? No, I'm an admirer. I've got a bulldog myself. Nags me every week to take him to church(!)

He's fond of the Mass in Latin. You're taking the mickey.

No, everyone at the paper's really excited about it. Sheep singing hymns. Brilliant idea, isn't it?

Can we have a picture? What...? Oh, my God!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Have you SEEN this? No. What?

WHAT? What is it? Oh, my God!

Who is THAT? That's Jabba The Hut!

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Goat. Baa-men!"

They've written a special prayer.

"Our Father, who art in doggie heaven, hallowed be Thy mane.

"Thy kingdom come, Thy Pedigree Chum..." For heaven's sake!

You're quoted as saying gerbils WILL be given communion.

If that journalist comes near me again, you'll see me wearing a pair of testacle-shaped earrings!

What I actually said... The point is that you shouldn't have said anything!

They didn't have horns and tails, so we didn't realise they were from the tabloids!

The trouble is that you don't realise anything.

You're good, but you should be running a cake stall, not a church.

And I'm afraid the time has come, for the sake of this community,

to begin proceedings to have you replaced.

What?! I'll see myself out.

(Oh, God!)

Have you seen...? Yes, I have. I haven't been so depressed since David Bowie married a stick insect.

Oh, well, that's it. We'll have to cancel. Everybody's laughing at us.

No. Some people are laughing at us.

But if I'd stopped doing things cos people were laughing, I'd have stood stock still.

The problem is Big Chief David Wigwamhead is on the warpath.

I could be paddle-less up a creek that rhymes with Britt!

Don't worry, I'll stick by you.

And I can be a pretty scary opponent, as Gavin Hart discovered

when he tried to look up my pants in the playground.

I stabbed him in the head with a protractor!

Ooh, that's a nice one.

Are you going to the animal service? I haven't made up my mind.

I don't like missing Little House On The Prairie!

How about you, Letitia? Oh, yes.

The question is whether to bring the snails for my new recipe. Oh? What recipe is that?

Bread And Butter Pudding Surprise.

Oh, I just trod in something brown and it's not chocolate cake.

Are you going to the animal service? I don't know. I might not be fit.

After all the drinking to celebrate my great pumpkin victory.

Some hope! From what I hear your pumpkins are n-n-no bigger than your balls!

Well, then, I'd better be getting myself some larger underpants. Ooh!

Well, n-n-not so bad, I suppose.

Well, if you'll excuse me...

Have you heard the rumour? Mr Horton is trying to get the vicar the sack.

I don't believe it! No! Come on in, Jim!

Second place isn't so bad.

Germany came second in the war, after all.

Good. Then you'll enjoy being number two.

Da-daa!

Well, bugger me!

It's time the vicar did something about your language.

Ooh, it is a big bugger though, isn't it?

Have you heard the rumours? If it's got anything to do with butter, I'm really not interested. No...

PHONE RINGS

Hiya... Oh, hello. How are you?

Fine... Well, I've been having a bit of a trouble with a verruca, but the big scab fell off today.

Yes, she's here. May I just say you looked gorgeous in that frock you were wearing last time.

Yeah, right, she's here. Loads of love. A-B-Y-S-S-I-N-I-A.

Who is it? The bishop.

What?! The bishop.

Bertie, hi. Gerry here. Hi.

Sorry about that... Lobotomy, yes. Very slow progress, sadly.

How can I help you? David Horton's been calling you... He's a total nutter, isn't he?

One of your dearest friends, right.

No, he does represent the feelings of a large sector of the community. Point taken.

Right. Well, thanks for the tip-off. Big love to Luigi...

Oh, Ivan? Lovely!

Great... OK, then. Bye.

Did he tell you not to do the service then? Not as such, no.

But he did say if it backfired, I'd have to take the consequences.

I'm sure it will be fine. Like you were sure you'd win the Krypton Factor?

It actually is the worst idea in the history of the world.

I certainly shouldn't be eating this...

Last time I felt this bad, I ate 562 Crunchies in one night.

That was fine, until I washed them down with that tin of treacle.

OD'd on sugar, woke up in a disgusting position on the sofa.

Oh, God! Sorry I'm so gloomy. Sorry I always say "Oh, God!" when I am gloomy!

Oh, God! Look, if it is a disaster tomorrow,

if it's the eccelesiastical equivalent of LaToya Jackson's nose,

you will lend me a hand, won't you?

I like it here...

Oh, no...!

What could I have been thinking of? I don't even like animals, particularly pets!

There's always that one last poo that you can smell but can't find.

Until come winter, you put your wellies on...gli-i-ch!

Let's face the total ignominy of a church empty apart from you, me and one very religious rat.

What are you grinning about?

You look like Sissy Spacek on ecstasy!

Unbelievable!

Morning, Vicar. Morning.

So, instead of going to the service, we'll sit here and do nothing. Correct. Brilliant(!)

Though I may go along at the end to take photos for the bishop. Bravo! Superb plan!

Oh, look! Can I see?

Look at his little face. What's his name? Satan.

Satan...? Right, good... Well, I hope he enjoys the sermon.

Rather brave of him to come at all, really.

Although... Yes? Actually...

Actually... Well, spit it out, boy.

Actually, I'm not sure it IS such a ripping plan...in fact.

I beg your pardon? Well, it seems to me...

that sitting here doing, if you'll pardon my French, sod tout

is in fact a pretty damn poor idea,

in comparison to taking Bruno up to the church to thank God for the animals,

upon which the economic and social life of our village is based,

and thanks to whom lonely, old people aren't lonely

and don't feel old, though most should have been buried before the war. I mean, the Boer War!

In fact, I suspect it's just being proud

and waging a rather childish war against Mrs God.

It's not so much a good plan as the worst plan

since Hitler's dad said to his mum, "Let's go upstairs, Brunhilde. I'm feeling a little saucy tonight."

You do what you think is right then. Right, fair enough.

Classic.

Ladies, gentlemen and others, before we go inside, I'd like you to join me in a prayer.

Dear Lord, who rode into Jerusalem on the back of a faithful donkey,

bless all these wonderful creatures here today.

Give them shiny coats and full udders and tasty milk.

And let one of them win the Grand National next year - 200/1.

Amen.

Come on, Bruno! Let's go! That's a good boy.

In for a penny, in for a pound. Come on, Patricia, off to church. Lazy thing!

And don't argue!

CACOPHONY OF ANIMAL SOUNDS

Hi... HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL Oh, sorry!

We'll start with our first hymn which is, of course, the classic - All Things Bright And Beautiful.

All things bright and beautiful

All creatures great and small

All things wise and wonderful

The Lord God made them all

Each little flower that opens

Each little bird that sings

He made their glowing colours

He made their tiny wings...

Please be seated. Sit!

Sit! Thank you.

At this point it's traditional to pray for the Royal Family.

But today, Dear Lord, we pray for the Royal Family's animals.

For their corgis and horses,

and for anything that gets sat on by the Duchess of York!

MUSICAL INTRODUCTION

And they call it puppy lo-ove

Oh, I guess they'll never kno-ow

How a young heart really fee-eels

And why I love you so-o.

And the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit

be among you and remain with you.

Well, that's all we've got time for. Thank you for coming, especially you.

Baa-aaa!

I'd also like to thank most of you for behaving so well.

For holding off from going to the loo!

And thanks to the animals for the same!

MOO-OOO! Yes, and the same to you.

Bye.

It's wonderful, isn't it?

It does make one wonder, yes.

Right, that's everyone gone...

Surely goodness and mercy

Shall follow me all the days of my life

And dwe-e-e-ell

In the hou-u-u-u-u-u-use of the Lord

Forever

Forever.

Subtitles by BBC - 1994

I haven't got any more religious jokes, but I've got animal ones.

OK, then, why did the lobster blush?

..Why? Because the SEAWEED.

Because the seaweed what? Because the SEA-WEED.

..Did what? No, no, listen. The lobster was in the sea, right? And the sea-WEED.

WEED! Oh-h-h!

Oh, dear! What? That is the rudest thing I have EVER heard.

Forever.

Flora is committed to making

the nation's hearts healthier.

That's why we're helping your kids

learn to cook healthy food in the classroom.

Just collect tokens on special packs

and get free cooking equipment for primary schools.

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN SING

School uniforms.

If you've done your homework for the new term,

you'll know that ours

are well-designed for the fashion-conscious,

with non-iron technology for the time-conscious,

and they're incredibly good value...

for the price-conscious.

Inflation-busting prices from Tesco.

Last one in the sea is a great big loser!

"William Tell Overture" by Rossini

YELLING

Last year,

First Choice taught more than 7,000 kids to swim.

We understand family holidays.

As a hairdresser, my clients ask me about everything,

from boyfriends to beauty treatments. But they all want to know

how to recreate a salon inspired layered look at home,

as layers can go flat after the first wash.

My secret? Layered hair products

like the new Pantene Enhanced Layers collection

Shampoo, conditioner and styling products

Make flat dull layers lifted and defined in one use

Keep your layers gorgeous without me

With the new Enhanced Layers collection from Pantene

Your name? Diane Hallagen.

Your occupation? Assistant accountant. What's your subject?

The BBC series The Vicar Of Dibley. The Vicar Of Dibley.

The Vicar Of Dibley. Two minutes starting now.

Two minutes. Are these the ones the woman got asked? Yep.

Dibley Parish Church is dedicated to which saint?

No idea. Pass.

Agnes. Barnabus? Barnabus... or Bartholomew.

Is it Nicholas? St Barnabus. Barnabus.

St Barnabus. In The Christmas Lunch Incident,

which of the parishioners gives Geraldine the last of her lunches?

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